Dirk looked up at the three powerful beings in the room. His landlord looked aloof, only briefly shooting his human conspirator a look of warning, while the two princesses wore diplomatic expressions. He knew those looks well, they were the practiced looks of upper-management trying to show solidarity on a hard decision while their personal beliefs lay elsewhere. More often than not those decisions were to his detriment.

Shit. Well, here goes nothing…

“Oh, what might that be?” Fluttershy asked in response to Celestia’s announcement.

Dirk stood up, causing the other ponies around him to flinch and earning a quiet “Oh my” from Rarity who sat directly between him and the alicorns. He ignored their discomfort and locked eyes with Luna, walking between the seated mares to where she stood. Luna stiffened and glanced at her sister briefly before looking back to the tall thing approaching her.

“Um, hel—“

He bent at the waist a bit and wrapped his arms around her neck, nuzzling her like Fluttershy had himself. There were a few appreciative murmurs from behind them, but Applejack summed up their thoughts.

“I’d say he forgives ya, Princess.”

He felt Luna swallow and fidget a bit, and pulled back to study her face. Her eyes were welling up with tears again and her lip trembled as she desperately tried to hold her stony expression. A little tear escaped the corner of her large teal eye and Dirk lifted an eyebrow.

Am I reading this wrong? The hell is going on with her? Does it even matter at this point? I mean, I don’t know what more I can do here, it’s not my fault Discord chose someone deathly afraid of me for his little game.

He looked at the single tear that was caught on her cheek fur and grit his teeth.

Fuck it, might as well…

He let out a heavy sigh, locked eyes with the lunar princess, gave the most reassuring look he could, leaned in, and licked the side of her cheek.

A quiet hum came from her with a twitch of her lips and a relaxing of her brow, but it was drowned out by a chorus of squee’s and daww’s from behind him. Luna quickly snorted and turned away from him, feigning a sneeze as she brought a hoof up to rub her eyes.

“Ahem, apologies,” she said after she turned back toward the group, “I seem to be having… allergies.”

“Oh, I hope you aren’t allergic to Dirk!” Fluttershy cried.

“N-No! I mean… they are dust allergies,” she recovered while glancing to the side, “It has been quite dusty around the castle of late. I believe we may need to have the maids increase their rounds, sister.”

Celestia brought a hoof to her mouth and giggled.

“Indeed we may,” she said with sisterly magnanimity.

Dirk stepped back and gave her the flattest stare. He gave Discord a sidelong glance and saw him biting his lip holding back laughter. It all clicked into place.

Oh for fuck’s sake, she’s just pet-tsundere. Goddamn franken-noodle had me sweating bullets over here.

Luna, Princess of Loneliness and your new owner. A rather tragic story, this one. Fought tooth and nail to bring Equestria out of the dark ages, only to find herself overshadowed by her sister’s charisma in the following peace. Spends a few decades with festering jealousy, develops an alternate personality bent on enacting eternal night, and gets imprisoned in the moon for a thousand years. (That's not hyperbole either, I can say from experience that being trapped in stone for a millennium with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company is not a pleasant experience.) When she came back and was purged of her rebellious phase, she found the world had moved on without her.

Has trouble in social situations, preferring to maintain distance from her subjects due to her perceived shortcomings. Has the unique ability to travel into creatures’ dreams, prefers solving problems with force rather than words, and has a unique affinity for dark magic. Controls the moon and rules during the night, so I hope you don’t mind becoming nocturnal.

As the pet of a princess your every need will be cared for, but if you plan on getting her to open up you will have your work cut out for you. If you can manage it, however, you stand to gain her undying loyalty as one of her very few friends. Good luck~

“As I was saying,” Celestia continued, turning toward Fluttershy, “We—“

“I have decided to keep Dirk,” Luna announced resolutely. “Discord, Fluttershy, thank you for the heartfelt gift, I have not had a pet in… some time,” she explained, looking away, “Having one again will be… nice,” she finished with a smile.

Celestia beamed at her sister, but it paled in comparison to the look of overflowing pride and joy Fluttershy was giving Discord, causing him to blush. Dirk wasn’t sure he’d ever seen the draconequus so flustered and made a mental note to give him a hard time about it later.

“After discussing it with Discord and Luna, and having seen this creature’s gentle nature for myself, I believe he will make a fine pet,” Celestia agreed, “However, I would like for you to assist in determining what needs the creature has, Fluttershy, and teaching my sister to care for it. As Discord has informed us, this creature is not native to Equestria, or even this world, and may have complications we are unaware of.”

“Absolutely!” the pegasus answered with a hop into the air. She flew over to Dirk and Luna and gave them both a hug. “I just know you two will be best friends, Princess. And Discord?” she said, looking to her unlikely companion with an uncharacteristic look of…

“Er, yes Flutterbutter?” The spirit of chaos asked nervously.

She flew up to him and planted a long kiss right on his lips before whispering in his ear. Whatever it was caused his eyes to bulge and he stammered out an incoherent reply as his face turned bright red.

Her friends’ jaws dropped, and even the princesses looked shocked.

(“Damn, looks like someone is getting laid”), Dirk said in a flat tone.

Fluttershy stiffened at the analysis only she could understand, and her wings snapped shut, causing her to plummet six feet to the ground with a loud smack of hooves on stone. She turned to her friends with a sheepish smile, and when she saw the looks on her friends' faces she hid behind her long mane with a faint eep.

Celestia cleared her throat.

“Ahem, well, I would like if you could stay here in the castle for the next three days, we can arrange for your animals to be taken care of in your stead, or arrange for transportation there and back if you desire. I will arrange for Dirk to be seen by a specialist tomorrow to see what they can discover about his unique biology and whether he will require any sort of vaccinations or special care here, but I would like you to use your talent with animals to provide him a bit of training. It’s clear he is not comfortable around magic, and it is important he learn proper behavior in the castle and around other ponies so there are no accidents.”

Dirk looked at her in irritation.

Bitch I ain’t gon piss on tha damn carpet, sheeeeit.

As soon as the silly thought crossed his mind Dirk was met with a harsh reality.

Shit, maybe I am. Fuck, how do I take a piss? Where do I take a piss? Guess I can just… ask Fluttershy to take me… to piss… I can’t fucking wait to be ‘trained’ to use a goddamn toilet.

…

Wait… do they even have toilets?

Dirk looked at the complete lack of clothing on the quadrupedal and very horse-like beings around him and broke into a cold sweat.

(“Uh, Flutter—”)

“O-Oh, yes, um, right I will… I can…” Fluttershy mumbled, trying and failing to overcome her previous embarrassment. She took a deep breath and continued, still hiding an eye behind her mane but managing to reply with a hesitant smile “I can do that Princess. Um, I know he doesn’t have a place to sleep yet and Princess Luna has her duties, but I don’t think it would be a good idea to leave him alone tonight,” she said.

“I’d almost forgotten,” Luna said in a downcast tone, “What would you propose I do, then?” she asked honestly.

“Oh, well I know you are busy and weren’t expecting to have a pet so suddenly, um, I think it would be good if he got to socialize a bit with ponies so he sees we aren’t scary and, well, I was thinking he could stay with me for the night?”

“Very well,” Luna acknowledged, “I shall trust you to help him feel comfortable and well cared for.” As she said the words she sounded a bit sad.

“Don’t worry, Princess, I’m sure tomorrow there will be plenty of time for the two of you to get to know each other!”

(“Fluttershy, I—“)

“Are you sure you will be okay alone with it?” Rainbow Dash asked her fellow pegasus, “I mean, I know you’re you and all but shouldn’t one of us be there in case it, you know…”

The rainbow-maned pegasus rubbed the back of her head with a hoof looking for the right words.

Dirk huffed at the interruption and decided to wait for a more opportune moment to broach his subject with her.

“OH! We could have a welcome to your new home and first day as Princess Luna’s pet sleepover!” Pinkie Pie shouted with a bounce.

“Think of all the things we could learn about it!” Twilight added to the idea, “Oh, I can’t wait, I wonder what kind of magic it has. It could be a whole new branch entirely if it comes from another world! Oh, and what about its cellular structure? How does it re—,”

“I would ask that you hold your experiments for now, Twilight,” Celestia said with a stern look. “I know how much you may be eager to learn, but it is a living being first and foremost. You may accompany him to the specialist tomorrow, but I ask that you refrain from any invasive tests until he is well and truly comfortable around ponies, and magic in general. You may recall how he reacted to levitation?”

Twilight hung her head.

“Sorry.”

“Well, I suppose we could keep the dear company tonight,” Rarity said, though she didn’t sound particularly enthused by it.

“Fine by me, I s’pose,” Applejack added with a shrug.

Fluttershy walked back over to Dirk and Luna.

“Well, maybe we should ask what he wants,” she said. “Dirk, I know all this is scary for you but Princess Luna here would like to take care of you from now on as your new owner. Does that sound like something you would like?” she asked softly.

Luna and Celestia looked taken aback by her request for permission and wore thoughtful looks. Dirk looked at Luna and back to the small yellow pegasus.

(“The big blue one?”), he chirped.

“Yes, her name is Luna and she will take care of you and feed you and give you a safe place to sleep,” Fluttershy explained in simpler terms.

Dirk took a moment to choose his words.

(“Moon wants me to be in pack?”) He pretended to consider her offer. (“She will protect me and give food? Ok, Moon can be leader, but don’t want to be hurt by horn light anymore”), he added with a chuff. He had to hold back a smile at his fake primitive speech and realized he would have to be careful to maintain it for a while, at least around Fluttershy.

“Oh, it’s actually, um, Luna, but I guess that is a nice name too,” she said with a giggle.

“What did he call us?” Luna asked in curiosity.

“Oh, he called you ‘Moon’, but I’m sure he will learn your name soon, he seems very intelligent,” she explained.

Luna blinked.

“Moon,” she said with a nod, “Tis a fitting name, I will allow it.”

“Oh, but um, right now Luna, or ‘Moon’ has to, um, do important leader stuff and she can’t spend the night with you,” Fluttershy continued, “Instead would you like to sleep with me and my friends?”

She wore a hopeful smile, and Dirk seriously considered what she was asking. He looked over the colorful ponies with various anticipatory looks.

(“I don’t like the purple one”), he grunted, (“She is stinky and her horn light doesn’t feel good. The blue flying one is being aggressive, I don’t want to sleep near her. The pink one is… scary.”)

“Oh, well, that’s ok, we can just share a room with Rarity and Applejack then, is that alright?”

“Wait, what’s wrong with US?” Twilight exclaimed.

“Oh, well, I’m sure he just needs to get to know you better,” she said on his behalf.

“I get why he doesn’t like Twilight and Pinkie, but what’s wrong with me?” Rainbow whined.

“Hey!” the two accused cried in tandem.

“Oh, um, he… said you were being just a tad bit aggressive.”

“I am NOT aggressive!” She shouted, flying closer to them with her forelegs spread.

“Ya kinda are,” Applejack commented. Rainbow groaned and threw her hooves up but didn’t push the issue.

“Well, do you think he would ever be willing to come to one of our pet playdates at least?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

“I’m sure once he is all settled in his new home he will be happy to meet all our pets,” she assured the pink mare.

Celestia let out a yawn.

“Well, I trust you have it under control, Fluttershy, and thank you for lending your expertise. Luna,” she said turning to her sister, “I hope you had a great birthday and the rest of your night is pleasant, I really must be getting to bed soon, but we can speak more in the morning.”

Luna stepped over and wrapped her sister in a hug.

“It was the best birthday, Tia, thank you so, so much.”

As they released each other and Celestia turned to leave Dirk stepped forward and caught her in his own hug.

Couldn’t hurt to get in good with her while I’m at it.

“Oh! Ah, thank you Dirk,” the white alicorn said in surprise before giving him a playful grin, “Take good care of my sister, understood?”

He released her and stepped back toward Fluttershy, and the princess of the sun took her leave.

“I must be getting to my own duties, unfortunately,” Luna said with a re-application of her regal mask. “I trust you six know where to find your accommodations? Is there anything I can have brought for Dirk?”

“I’m sure he will be fine for the night, Princess,” Fluttershy told her.

Luna nodded and looked back around the room and the assembled mares, letting her mask drop again.

“Thank you, girls, from the bottom of my heart,” she said quietly, “I… it has been difficult returning to my position in an age where my name was all but legend until recently. It’s… good to have friends again,” she trailed off into a mutter.

Before the six smaller ponies could respond she turned and opened the door to leave. She spoke briefly with her two guards at the door and they peered into the room, eyes widening upon spying him before giving the princess a nod.

And with that, the last remaining princess was gone.

“Well, it’s been a hoot, but I’ve got beauty sleep to catch up on,” Discord said after finally coming out of his yellow-pegasus-induced stupor and reminding everyone he was, in fact, still present among the balloons on the ceiling.

Before he could go, Dirk shot him a meaningful look and raised a fist with his thumb and pinkie extended. Discord rolled his eyes and with a snap of his claw, disappeared.

“I reckon we ought to be hitting the hay soon too,” Applejack said with a yawn, “The rest of us have a train to catch in the mornin’”

(“Fluttershy”), Dirk squeaked, squatting down to her level to speak quietly in her ear.

“Oh, what is it?”

(“I really need to pee.”)

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Two sets of hoofsteps and one set of unprotected feet on stone echoed down the corridor as they returned to one of the rooms the mares were staying in. Dirk was still rather uncomfortable with what had taken place. It wasn’t the first time he’d had to pee in a bush outside, but it was the first time doing so while two ponies stood nearby waiting for him to finish. What really threw him off, however, was when his hands went to zip up the pants he wasn’t wearing, leaving him feeling like the ritual was incomplete and knowing it never truly would be.

Their tagalong was one of the guards by the door Luna had spoken to, yet another breed of pony with bat wings and slitted pupils. He was evidently under orders to keep her new human pet safe, and Dirk wasn’t sure whether to feel protected or contained. Still, he seemed to be taking Luna’s word as law and wasn’t overly concerned with the strange creature he was guarding.

The corridors of the castle were far more open than he imagined, less like medieval halls and more like palatial thoroughfares. Ornate pillars and massive windows lined the halls, with plenty of that-looks-expensive-I-guess vases and paintings on display. The smooth stone floor was polished to an immaculate shine, but all he could think about has how much he missed wearing shoes every time his feet slapped against the unforgiving surface.

Discord had certainly set him up for an opulent five years here, so much so that he was beginning to become suspicious. He’d suspected the shit was in the process of hitting the fan after he’d broken his nose, but after that was quickly remedied and his position secured, he was beginning to wonder:

Where was the catch?

Where was the giant wheel of cheese or the midget biker gang? Where was the goldfish tornado or the body-switching bathroom or the broken PA system the plays Smash Mouth nonstop at all hours of the day?

He was pulled out of his reverie when the guard following them stepped forward to take his place by another in front of a door, and Fluttershy continued on to open it. He followed her in and took note of the room.

True to his request, Applejack and Rarity were the only others present, both sitting on their beds gabbing away until they heard the two of them enter. Rarity eyed him with hesitation, while Applejack seemed unconcerned but curious.

He looked between the two ponies and Fluttershy, going over his mental priorities and considering their backgrounds and personalities. After assembling a short list of objectives for the night, he put on a devilish smile.

Think you’re so funny, hmm Discord? Think I’m going to suffer for months as I adjust, do you? Fuck that, time for speedrun strats.

✱  ✱  ✱

Applejack looked over the strange creature Discord dragged in for the princess’ birthday. It was certainly tall and more than a little funny-looking, but she didn’t get what all the fuss was about. Other than getting a little spooked the critter had been well behaved.

Hay, even Winnona’d have been more difficult to control with all that excitement, probably has a meaner bite too.

Rarity was using her professional courtesy face, but she knew the prim pony was more than a little leery around it. Then again, she never was much of an animal pony to begin with, and a big fella like Dirk was a lot of animal.

And then the creature bared its teeth in a strange way and she stiffened.

She’d assumed it was some sort of prey creature going by its lack of sharp claws, but the small little canines at the corners of his mouth said differently. On top of that, the took he was giving her was unsettling, like he was sizing her up for his next meal. His long legs bent at the knee and Applejack had a sinking feeling.

Maybe Dash was right…

“F-Fluttershy he doesn’t look too friendly right now,” she warned the animal expert.

“Perhaps we should…“ Rarity began, edging away from him.

Fluttershy looked up at the creature and then smiled back at them.

“Oh, he’s just excited,” she said with certainty, “Though barring teeth is a common sign of aggression in many animals, I think it might be different for humans, he doesn’t seem aggressive at all,”

“Ya think or ya know?” Applejack pressed, keeping her eyes on him.

Fluttershy didn’t get a chance to answer, as the creature strode straight for her. Its long gait and the way it seemed to lean toward her as it moved were uncanny. With each step she was more aware of how he towered over them, and she stood up on the bed out of instinct.

“Y’all stay right there now, ya hear?” she warned it, hoping either her tone or posture would get it to back off. Even standing on the low bed the creature stood a head above her, and her warning had no effect as the human lifted its forelegs toward her and showed even more teeth. She began twisting into bucking position, but her hooves caught on the blanket, nearly tripping her.

“Wait, Applejack, he’s just—“

Her eyes widened as it pounced the rest of the way towards her, grabbing her up in its long arms as they rolled sideways onto the bed with a heavy whump. Rarity shrieked and threw a couple of pillows at him, but only landed a glancing and pointless blow that the creature ignored. It may have been big, but she was strong. She wiggled a hoof free and made to strike her attacker when…

… she realized Dirk was rubbing his cheek against her neck and holding her gently with both of its forelegs around her barrel. She lay there frozen, completely confused by what’d just happened.

“Uh, Fluttershy?” she managed to say in a low tone.

“Well, if you would have listened, I was trying to tell you he was only playing,” the pegasus explained with the tiniest bit of irritation.

“That is hardly playing,” Rarity complained, attempting to look like she hadn’t just been fearful for her friend’s well-being with a flip of her mane.

Dirk made a weird grumbling chortle and Fluttershy translated.

“And he says thank you for… protecting him from, uh, Rainbow Dash? Dirk, I know Rainbow was a teensy bit protective, but she wouldn’t do something like that,” she chided the human.

Applejack realized she wouldn’t have seen when that hothead was ready to go hoof-to-hoof with the human to ‘save’ Fluttershy from its hug.

“Well I’ll be,” she muttered.

Here I am doin’ the same thing. Guess I shoulda trusted Shy all along. May not understand it but that mare has some sorta gift, that’s for sure. S’pose I owe it to him to give him a fair chance, seems like a mighty bright critter and he hasn’t so much as hurt a hair on anypony’s head.

“It ain’t any trouble,” she said in response, even if the human wouldn’t understand, “If you have any problems with that mare, you can count on me to set her straight.”

Dirk let out a low hum in response while he cradled her from behind and Applejack felt the gentleness in its touch. It was a big thing but it sure knew how to be sweet…

Matter of fact, this is gettin’ relaxing. Land sakes, if I could find a stallion willing to–

She was shocked out of that thought by something strange tickling the side of her ear. She flicked them away and twisted her head to look back at him. The human wore a goofy innocent look on his face and had his short tongue sticking out of his lips.

“What in tarnation…”

The human leaned in again and gently licked the tip of her other ear, causing the country mare to snort and shake her head away as her ears flicked restlessly. The human pulled his head back and look at her in curiosity. Applejack gave him an irritated glare…

Which was clearly the wrong response, as the human barred its teeth again, made a choking sort of bark, and its forelegs tightened around her barrel.

“Oh no ya don’t, ya–PFFTT-hahahaaaa,” she tried to get out but the human followed her twisting head and nipped at the tips of her ears as she desperately tried to flick them out of his reach while giggling. She managed to get a hoof under his forelegs and push them off, though as soon as she applied force the creature seemed to just let her go free.

She rolled to the side and stood on the bed in a ready stance, panting from her laughter, but the human seemed content with his antics and sat up in a strange way, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his forelegs around them.

A squee came from the yellow pegasus as she fluttered off the ground with sparkling eyes.

“Oh, Isn’t he just the sweetest?” Fluttershy gushed with her forehooves pressed together.

“He certainly is… lively,” Rarity said diplomatically, sitting on the edge of her bed as far from him as she could get.

“Phew, he’s a playful one, I’ll give him that,” Applejack said, sitting on the bed next to him and reaching up a hoof to pet his mane. The human gave her a strange look but tilted his head down to give her better access. “He ain’t like any pet I’ve ever seen. Kinda seems like a whole buncha pets all rolled into one with all the different sounds he makes.”

“Oh, you may be right,” Fluttershy said flying over and sitting on Applejack’s bed alongside them, ”He may be mimicking the sounds and behaviors of other animals he’s seen before. There are lots of animals that mimic others for survival or to get attention, I really should ask Discord more about him.”

“I hate to be a wet blanket,” Rarity piped up, “But are you sure this is a good pet for a princess? I’m sure Princess Luna has a lot on her plate, and she doesn’t strike me as the… playful type.”

“She seemed all set to take care of him after that talk those three had,” Applejack offered, “‘Sides, seeing the way she was tonight, I think Discord and Shy were right on the money with a pet. After our parents passed, well, our house just wasn’t the same. We got Winnona soon after, said it was for Applebloom but honestly I think just havin’ her around helped me an’ Mac more than anypony. Kinda hard to stay sad with a puppy bouncing around. I ain’t sayin’ it’s the same, but she has had it rough.”

“I’m just saying that perhaps a more elegant pet would be better?” she persisted. “I don’t want to point hooves, but this is Discord we are talking about. Surely he has some other motive for choosing a, er, human?”

“I know he’s made some bad choices in the past, but I think Discord really is trying to be a good friend,” Fluttershy asserted, “We… we’ve had a lot of talks about stuff like why he is always causing trouble,” she said, looking down to draw circles in the sheets with her hoof, “And I think he really does want to do better. And it isn’t always bad when he makes chaos,” she admitted, “Once you get to know him he can be fun, and silly, and kind, and… and…”

The pegasus covered the rapidly forming blush on her face with a wing, while Applejack and Rarity shared a look.

Dirk chose that moment to chime in with a series of chirps directed toward Rarity, getting Fluttershy’s attention.

“Oh, she doesn’t dislike you,” Fluttershy said, instantly recovering, “The just thinks you are… a little bit too, um, excitable is all.”

The human snorted and looked back to the white unicorn on her side of the room. Rarity gave him a strained smile. He suddenly scooted off the bed and stood up, walking straight toward her, though without his earlier playful menace.

“Ah, no that’s quite alright, Dirk, I am not in the mood for rough-housing,” Rarity said curtly, keeping wary eyes on him as he approached.

“You aren’t ever in that mood,” Applejack deadpanned.

“Which is why… oh dear.”

She stopped when the human sat in the middle of her bed, pulling its legs in to cross one another in a way that looked just plain wrong to the earth pony, though Dirk didn’t seem to mind. He turned to Rarity and meowed, actually MEOWED at her, causing both non-animal-understanding ponies to tilt their heads.

“Oh, right,” Fluttershy said, realizing she was the only one who understood, “He wants you to lay with your head across his rear legs, Rarity.”

“I think I will pass, if it is all the same to him,” Rarity deflected, “Though I’m flattered by the offer.”

She did not look flattered by the offer.

“Oh, c’mon Rares, he ain’t gonna hurt you.”

“Oh, it’s okay if you don’t want to Rarity, not everypony is comfortable around large animals and that’s perfectly fine. Dirk, Rarity doesn’t want to play right now, so could you–“ Dirk growled. “Oh, well, I can ask but if she says no you have to get off her bed mister,” she said sternly.

“Dare I ask?” Rarity asked with trepidation.

“Well, Dirk says he wants to show you he can be calm and gentle too, and that he won’t be rough with you, but if you really don’t want to I will tell him to stop.”

“Awww, how can ya say no to that Rares? He’s just a poor innocent lil’ critter that wants to show you some love~,” Applejack added in a saccharine tone, verbalizing what she knew was probably going through Fluttershy’s head and trying not to burst out laughing.

Rarity looked at the poorly concealed look of hope on Fluttershy’s face then at the smug grin on Applejack’s, letting out a sigh of defeat.

“I’ll get you for this, Applejack,” she muttered darkly, turning to the human sitting on her bed with a strained smile. “Why hello there, Dirk. I notice we have yet to be properly introduced,” she said in her I’m-forced-to-be-polite voice, “I’m, ah, Rarity, and I understand you wanted to… what did you want?”

The human looked at her with a neutral expression and pat his thigh with a paw.

“Right,” Rarity acknowledged with a grimace.

She carefully stepped toward him and lowered herself to her belly before carefully lowering her head toward his lap while keeping an eye on him. The human made a clicking sound with its tongue and brought a paw to push her down the rest of the way, causing the unicorn to stiffen and let out a muffled whine. He guided her head so that her horn and neck were laying across his legs on either side, with her muzzle resting on the crossed part of his lower legs.

Rarity looked up at the creature’s face and watched as it brought a paw to her head.

“Are you quite sure he understands…”

She stopped talking once Dirk began his ministrations. The human used one slender paw to comb through her mane and gently massage her scalp, while the other gently stroked the fur along her neck and jaw. Rarity’s eyes drooped lazily as a faint smile took hold of her lips.

“Oh… my.”

Her body relaxed and she allowed herself to flop onto her side so her neck wasn’t turned at an awkward angle, and the human scooped her under the forelegs to bring her closer. He continued combing her hair with his paws, massaging her neck, and occasionally running a digit around the base of her ears. He looked rather pleased with the effect he was having on the unicorn, if Applejack had to guess.

Rarity’s closed her eyes and hummed to herself.

“You neglected to mention how soft his claws were, Applejack,” she said, “My word, it almost feels as if I’m being treated at the spa. I had my doubts, but with a bit of training… a mare could get used to this.”

Applejack had a brief moment of jealousy until something unexpected happened.

While Rarity had her eyes closed in contentment, the human lifted a finger toward the unicorn’s horn. Applejack’s eyes widened and Fluttershy sucked in air to say something but it was too late. The curious human took the tip of one digit and gently ran it down her horn from tip to base. Rarity’s eyes shot open and her nostrils flared.

“Wa-HA!” she cried, “L-Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, darling,” the normally graceful unicorn stammered with a blush.

The human pulled back his hands and held them by his shoulders and Rarity took the opportunity to get out of his clutches in the worst way possible. She quickly rolled her whole body to the side to get her hooves under her, but in the process turned her head such that her muzzle slipped off his crossed lower legs and smacked straight into his…

Dirk let out a small yelp that only scared Rarity further, causing her to scramble away from him and flop off her bed, rolling on the floor once before coming to her hooves.

Fluttershy darted over to him protectively, but he gave her a soft whistle and a raised paw that eased her nerves. Meanwhile, Applejack looked over to the normally white unicorn and saw her entire face lighting up red. Her jaw hung open and her eyes were pinpricks. A hoof slowly came up to touch the side of her face.

“Uh, Rarity? You alright sugarcube?” Applejack asked.

Rarity turned to her friend and fixed her with a haunted look.

“I… I touched it,” she whimpered, “W-With my face…”

Applejack took a few seconds to process what she was getting at, looking to Dirk and back to her. Then it clicked. Applejack bit her lip and covered her mouth with both hooves trying to hold in her laughter but the absurdity was too much.

“BWAA-hahaha!”

The orange earth pony rolled onto her back and kicked her legs laughing.

“This is HARDLY a laughing matter!” Rarity snapped, tears forming in her eyes.

Applejack bit back snickers and wiped a different sort of tear from her own eye.

“Ya’ll went and smacked him right in tha family fruit?!” she howled, “Poor thing is gonna be walkin’ all kinds of funny for the princess tomorrow.”

“Oh, actually he’s just fine, he was just startled,” Fluttershy spoke up.

“B-But I’M NOT!” Rarity wailed, “I touched his, his… thing with my face!”

“It’s called a penis rarity,” Applejack corrected her as her laughter died down.

“I KNOW WHAT IT’S CALLED,” she hissed at the earth pony, “And now I feel all ICKY. What will ponies think if they find out I touched an animal’s… penis?”

She collapsed to the ground and covered her face with her hooves and let out a self-pitiful moan. Fluttershy scooted off the bed to comfort her.

“Rarity, It really isn’t a big deal,” she said kindly, putting a hoof on her back, “It was an accident and nopony got hurt. Animals don’t always have the same awareness of where their genitals touch. It’s… more common than you might think,” she admitted, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof and looking away with a small blush.

“And you know fillies and colts have all kinds of accidents when they get roughhousing,” Applejack added, “And ain’t nopony blaming them for it, it just happens sometimes. Besides, none of us are gonna tell anypony anyhow, promise.”

Rarity sniffed and raised her head.

“I appreciate the support, really I do, it’s just… I just don’t feel comfortable acting like it didn’t happen,” she complained, then stood to her hooves. “I know it wasn’t his fault, I just… perhaps I should take a moment to wash my face and clear my head,” she sighed, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door. Shortly after the sound of running water was heard.

Fluttershy pawed at the ground and hid the guilty look on her face behind her mane.

“None of this was any of yer fault, Fluttershy,” Applejack said in a low tone, “It was just an honest accident.”

“I should have told him to stop when Rarity was uncomfortable with it. I just really wanted all my friends to see how nice he was, but instead she feels worse about herself,” the pegasus lamented.

Applejack didn’t know what to say to that. In her mind it was a whole lotta nothing, but she knew Rarity had different standards and such. Even if she thought the mare was being over-dramatic, it wasn’t fair to dismiss her feelings like that. Instead, she looked to the human who’d remained silent during it all.

He’d moved to sit on the edge of the bed, hunched over so that the knees on his forelegs rested on the knees of his back legs and had his paws laced together strangely. He rested his chin on his clasped paws and had on an expression she couldn’t even begin to read as he stared at the carpet.

⥋ DIRK ⥋

Dirk Elrod felt like a bit of a scumbag.

He was doing so well putting his own nudity out of his mind using the nudity of all the ponies around him as an excuse. If they didn’t care, why should he? Except that this little bit of preventable contact was a big deal to Rarity. If he really was an animal he’d have to agree with Applejack and Fluttershy, but he knew he wasn’t.

Hell, back home just being naked in a room full of chicks he wasn’t about to bang would be seriously frowned upon, but to make contact like he did with someone who didn’t want that kind of contact, even if it wasn’t his fault?

He’d be in jail.

Still, he had to remind himself he wasn’t back home. Nudity was the norm, though obviously contact wasn’t — thank god for that. He was an animal as far as social taboos went, and it wasn’t his fault. At least not entirely. He knew he probably could have been more conscientious about his positioning, but he didn’t foresee this particular string of events.

At least he knew he hadn’t managed to escape his bad luck when he came to this world. Still, if there was a silver lining to all this it was that he could use it to move up the timetable on Operation: Coverup.

But how to trigger that event? It’s not like I can just ask Fluttershy for pants, what animal has the awareness to recognize this was a social taboo and that pants would fix the problem. Rarity might already be thinking along those lines given her squeamishness, but she’s probably not in the state of mind to help right now. And if even princesses go nude, wouldn’t her friends think her weird for suggesting an animal wear clothes? In that case, what animal-like reasoning can I fabricate for wanting something to cover my junk?

And then he had a brilliant idea.

✱  ✱  ✱

Applejack saw the human sit up suddenly, eyes bright and attentive. He glanced over at her, then at the still moping Fluttershy. Dirk stood up and strode toward her before kneeling down to take her in a hug and began chittering quietly to her.

What must be goin’ through his head, I wonder. Hopefully he ain’t afraid of Rarity after this, the two of them were really hitting it off.

“Oh, I-I’m okay,” Fluttershy reassured the human with a smile, “But, well, are you okay? Rarity didn’t mean to startle you like that or, um, touch your penis,” she mumbled, “Please don’t be afraid of her, she just… isn’t used to, um, big animals like you.”

Dirk made a purring noise deep in his chest.

“Oh, I’m so glad,” Fluttershy said with a bit more pep, “I know today has been really scary for you, but you are behaving really well! I’m sure Rarity will come around eventually, she just needs some space for now. Tomorrow you will be going to the doctor and spending more time with Princess Luna, your owner.”

He cawed like a crow, motioning toward her flank with a paw.

How in tarnation does he make all them noises? Shoot, if I hadn’t seen it myself I’d swear there was a real crow in here with us. Guess something was bound to be a little strange if Discord is involved, but I’m glad it’s just the sounds he makes. I HOPE it’s just the sounds he makes…

“Oh, my cutie mark? It’s something ponies get when we realize our special talent.”

Dirk tilted his head and croaked.

“Oh, well, one day when a pony learns what they are good at or something that is important to them, a special kind of magic takes hold and reveals their cutie mark, it’s just a part of who we are.”

The human reached out and touched the butterflies on her flank with a paw, which Fluttershy allowed patiently. After several moments tracing the edges of the marks with one of his blunt claw things, he tilted his head back and whinnied.

Like a pony. Or, well, almost like a pony. There was something… unsettling about that noise, something that made Applejacks brain itch, but she couldn’t quite put a hoof on it. Both her and Fluttershy flinched when they heard it, but the pegasus recovered admirably.

“I think only ponies get them, Dirk, but we still know you are special in–“

He snorted and nickered at her, and Applejack tilted her head with a frown as her ears flicked.

“Oh, that’s… sweet?” Fluttershy replied with a bit of confusion, “I suppose we could ask the princess tomorrow, but I don’t know if it’s a good idea, cutie marks are special and unique to each pony.”

He whined like a sad puppy at that news, whatever it was, and flopped over onto the floor in a heap.

“N-Now mister, you will just have to be patient,” Fluttershy said with a stamp of a hoof and a stern look, but her long-time friend could see all the signs of the kind mare’s will breaking.

Evidently so did Dirk, because he doubled down on the whining and curled up into a ball while giving her his best puppy dog look.

“Ohhh~,” Fluttershy moaned while biting her lip and shifting on her hooves, “O-Okay, we will, um, find something?” She didn’t sound too sure. “Maybe Rarity will–“

The door to the bathroom open and Rarity emerged from the bathroom with a complicated look. She looked to her two friends and then to Dirk on the ground and winced before letting out a heavy breath.

“You… truly don’t think it was that big of a deal?” She asked, looking between Applejack and Fluttershy.

Applejack jumped off her bed and wrapped a foreleg around her friend’s withers.

“It was about a big a deal as fallin’ in the mud, sugarcube,” the earth pony said confidently, causing Rarity to blanch. “My point exactly. I know you take those sorta things more serious than most ponies, but none of us think any less of you when they happen, ‘side from a laugh or two. Any hoity-toity ponies who wanna think any different haven’t had it happen to them, and they won’t ever hear about it from us.”

“When I first got my cutie mark, I was the same way Rarity,” Fluttershy added, “I was still shy around animals, and when I made a mistake I thought they would get angry at me and I would lose the only ones I could talk to. When I realized that they really didn’t care very much because they knew I meant well, I thought it was just animals that would accept me without judgment. When I met you girls, I realized that I just needed to find friends that understood me like you all do,” she finished, coming up to Rarity’s other side and nuzzling her.

“Oh girls,” Rarity said, “I… I really have been silly haven’t I?” Rarity looked to the human where he still lay on the floor with a look of concern. “And I’ve been dreadful to you as well, Dirk,” she admitted.

“He knows you didn’t mean it Rarity,” Fluttershy said.

“That is no excuse for how I acted,” she responded stubbornly, turning to the human. “Dirk, I know you can’t understand me, but I apologize for, well, for touching you in a way I shouldn’t have, even if it was an accident. I suppose I’ve been treating you like a dangerous animal knowing you came from Discord. Will you forgive me?”

Fluttershy opened her mouth to translate, but the human rolled to his feet and kneeled in front of her, looking her in the eye. After a brief moment, Dirk leaned in and licked the tip of her nose, causing the unicorn to recoil just a bit and scrunch her muzzle.

“Dirk really is smart, Rarity,” Fluttershy giggled, “He probably understands more than we think.”

Rarity looked like a weight was lifted off her withers.

“If there is anything I can do to help Dirk or Princess Luna, just let me know,” she said to her friend, causing Fluttershy to gasp.

“Actually there IS something you can do! Dirk asked me about cutie marks and decided he really wants to have Luna’s cutie mark on his flanks because he sees her as the alpha of his pack and wants a way for other animals and ponies to know it,” she explained. “I wasn’t sure how that would work because I don’t think humans get cutie marks and putting one on with magic is a bad idea, but what if you could make him, um, some sort of cutie mark patches he could wear on his flanks?”

Fluttershy looked hopeful and Dirk stiffened with wide eyes. Rarity considered it carefully, bringing a hoof to her chin.

“I did say anything, darling, but I don’t see how he would wear them. Though… perhaps…”

The fashionista went into deep contemplation while mumbling to herself, and Applejack and Fluttershy shared a look.

“If it’s that important to him, I suppose I can stay in Canterlot for one more day,” she said, “I would need to ask the princess what she thinks, but I may have an idea about that.” Rarity let out a long yawn. “Regardless, It will have to wait for morning. It’s getting late and we could all use sleep after all the excitement today.”

The yawn was contagious, spreading to Applejack and Fluttershy one after the other. Even Dirk seemed affected, and the three ponies and one human settled in for the night, making idle talk until one by one they passed out.

(Meanwhile next door…)

“I’m telling you, they could all be in trouble and waiting for us to rescue them from that crazy THING!” Rainbow shouted, hovering around the room and gesturing wildly with her hooves.

“I know,” Twilight shouted back while pacing circles around the room, parts of her mane sticking out at odd angles, “But Fluttershy said he didn’t want to be around us and I think Princess Luna told the guards not to let us in! UGH! Just THINK about all the natural behaviors we are missing and probably won’t ever get to see again as it interacts with ponies and adapts to us!”

Pinkie Pie was merely standing with her ear pressed against the adjacent wall as if she could hear through four inches of solid stone. Though, she did let out a giggle occasionally…

⥋ DIRK ⥋

It was dark in the room, though Fluttershy left the bathroom light on to allow a bit of illumination from the crack under the door. Fluttershy was nestled against his back breathing steadily in her sleep, the other two in similar states in their own beds.

He looked at the clock but it was too dark to read. It was late, he knew that. He’d waited for the three of them to be all the way asleep so he could finally get a moment to himself. He’d stayed up all last night and slept during the day in preparation for serving a nocturnal princess, and now he had nothing to do but wait. Almost nothing to do, that is.

He carefully eased himself away from Fluttershy and out of the bed, careful not to shift too much of his weight at once. Once he was standing, he looked back to make sure his kind benefactor hadn’t woken up. He crept over to Applejack and Rarity’s beds like a creepy stalker and checked to make sure they were fully asleep as well.

Satisfied, he made his way to the bathroom and slowly opened the door. He knew it was well oiled from earlier, but it never hurt to be careful. Light poured into the room and he hoped it didn’t disturb any of them, and the moment it was open wide enough he slipped through and shut it quietly behind him.

The bathroom was standard fare, assuming you were a three-foot quadruped, with all the installations one would expect. He was relieved to discover they did indeed have toilets, though it wasn’t much of a concern when he saw the sophistication of the castle he was in. It was a bit on the strange side, long and narrow like a Japanese squat toilet and raised a foot or so off the ground, but it would do. Operation: Housebreaker was still underway, though he had hopes he could complete that mission tomorrow.

He made use of it as quietly as he could, unsure when the next opportunity would come and unwilling to subject himself to the great outdoors.

That done, he quietly washed his hands using a trickle of water, then peeked his head out of the bathroom to see if he’d woken any of them with the noise of the flush or the sink.

All clear, time to radio base for a sitrep.

He closed the door again and crept into the far corner near the bath and sat on the ground. He took a deep breath, then made a fist with his right hand before extending the thumb and pinkie. He looked at it and sighed, resigned to the embarrassment of what he was about to do.

He tapped on his middle three knuckles in a specific pattern, then brought his thumb to his ear with the pinkie extending toward his mouth. For nearly ten seconds nothing happened, and he grit his teeth imagining the laugh his landlord must be having at his expense. He was about to give up when a voice emitted from his thumb.

“Testing, testing, one two three,” came the familiar voice, “How goes it, my friend, having fun yet? Cause any mischief? Is the castle up in flames? Give me all the juicy details, I’m dying to know!”

Dirk sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his other hand.

“Hello, Discord,” he said in an unenthusiastic whisper. “Just to be sure, only I can hear you like this, right?”

“Of course, it would give it all away if they could hear my voice on the other end, enchantments or not. So? What do you think? Pretty cushy digs, you have to admit, much better than that near-empty apartment you called home.”

“Yeah, listen Discord, what’s the catch here?”

“Pardon?”

“I mean, what am I missing? You send me into this alternate reality with talking ponies — which are very short, by the way — and just want me to play pet for a princess for five years? Food, lodgings, all my needs met, no responsibility? C’mon Discord, that’s way too tame for one of these jobs. I just assumed the fucked-up part went unspoken like it always is.”

“Well, if you must know, there really isn’t anything in particular set to happen in this case, what you see is what you get. That is the honest truth. I will say that this world has a tendency to experience events you might consider absurd or dangerous or absurdly dangerous at a rate you might consider alarming. If anything, I expect it’s merely a matter of time before you get swept up in such an occurrence and add your own little twist to it. Other than that, enjoy life, my chaotic friend!”

Dirk didn’t know what he thought of that information, but if Discord said it was the truth outright, it likely was.

“I really hate you sometimes,” he said half-heartedly.

“You wouldn’t have me any other way,” Discord countered.

Dirk chuckled.

“So, Rarity slapped my dick with her face today,” he said casually, “It was an accident but she nearly had a life crisis over it. You’d really think a bunch of nudists would be less squeamish.”

There was silence on the other side before the draconequus erupted in laughter, causing Dirk to hold ~~the phone~~ his hand away from his ear until it died down.

“Less than six hours and already making the ladies swoon,” Discord needled him, “Luna had better keep you on a tight leash.”

“Speaking of making the ladies swoon, Fluttershy looked awfully thrilled with you, hmm? I've never seen you blush so hard."

Discord sputtered words he couldn't make out.

"Well it is HARDLY any of your business what me and my special somepony do with each other!"

"Who said you were doing anything together?" Dirk followed with a nasty grin, "I just said she looked thrilled."

"Ugh, was there anything ELSE?" he grumbled.

"Kinda. I guess I'm going to the doctor or the vet tomorrow or some sort of specialist, but I just realized... I'm not going to die if they give me some weird vaccination only meant for creatures here, am I? That goes for food and other stuff too, like, do I need to be fearing for my life?"

"Hmm, well I included a few things in your collar that should take care of any incompatibility, but I don't think any of the foods or medicines here should harm you. You might want to avoid scissors tomorrow though."

"What does that m– oh FUCK THAT! Discord if they try and neuter me I'm out," he hissed.

"Well, I suppose that's all your debt was worth to you then," Discord sighed. "What a shame. Though, if they did try that it would fall under the category of protecting yourself from serious harm."

"Godammit, you don't think they are going to try, do you?" he asked seriously.

"Unlikely, I'd say. There aren't exactly a lot of humans at the human park for you to get frisky with, Fido."

"Oh, fuck off."

"I gladly will if there wasn't anything else you needed from me."

"Nah, just wanted to get in touch, clear some things up and get my head on straight. I’m not sure what my life has come to when I’m using you to ground my sanity, but whatever. I’m telling myself I have this plan and that plan, but honestly I’m just winging it.”

“Plans are overrated anyway. Oh, nice job on that introduction, by the way, a bit messy but I honestly expected more resistance from the princesses. Now, if that’s all you had to chat about, I’m afraid even beings such as myself need sleep, ta-ta!”

There was a click and the line went silent.

“What a dick,” he said quietly to himself.

He leaned his head back against the cool stone wall and sighed.

Plans are all I have...

Operation: Gentle Giant was more or less a success. The differences in size and human body language on top of the collar's enchantments meant he had to establish himself as strange but harmless as soon as possible. With Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy in his corner, he could swing the opinions of the others.

I still need the support of at least some of the castle staff, though. Maybe I'll see who is on pet-guard duty tomorrow and butter them up with the goofball charm. Soldiers gossip, after all. Winning over a few of them might net me the whole lot.

Operation: Coverup was promising. Rarity sounded like she was on the right track of thinking, but he couldn't really steer any harder on that one.

If that fails, though, I can just go commando for a while longer and come up with another gambit. It's not time-critical but it would be nice.

Operation: Housebreaker still needed some work. He confirmed that toilets were a thing, but had yet to invent a scenario that would trigger Fluttershy or whoever to try having him use one. Well... not without considerable... embarrassment, of course.

I might have to bite the bullet and just go for broke on one of those scenarios. Ah well, I'll worry about that in the morning.

He stood up and stretched out his back before making his way back to the door. After a careful peek into the room he slipped back inside and closed the door behind him. He wasn’t all that tired, but there wasn’t much he could do assuming the guards were still posted outside. They may have been ordered to keep him safe, but there was no telling how they would interpret that.

He looked around the room and spotted Applejack’s hat on the nightstand next to her bed. Walking silently over, he lifted it and put it on his head.

It fit rather well.

He was about to put it back when he glanced across the room. He tip-toed over to Rarity’s bed and carefully tucked the hat in next to her. That done he went back to where Fluttershy was sound asleep. He performed the delicate operation from before in reverse, gently lowering his weight onto the mattress and scooting back against her as he had been. He held still for a minute to see if she’d woken, but only felt her soft wing shift against his back.

Welp, might as well get a few hours of sleep.

Author's Note

Damn... I've been trying to approach 5000 words per chapter, but I just start writing and the words keep piling up! I'm actually kinda worried. I have things I want to do with this story, but at this rate I might be writing for all eternity.