The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M

Slap!

"Good thing I'm as tough as I am strong… Not dreaming…"

Walking to the shivering alicorn filly Twilight, he takes off his coat and gently wraps the whimpering and cutely sneezing filly in it, scooping her up in his right arm. After taking Spike in his left arm, he booked it for home.

'Ooookkkkkkaaaay! This is crazy! What did the Homo Equus project do this time!?'

***

“WAIT, WHAT? WHAT IS THE HOMO EQUUS PROJECT?”

Luna, what did I say about interrupting?! Ugh! Anyways, the Homo Equus project is a worldwide initiative To better emulate the values of Friendship. Using newfound CRISPR gene-editing technology, scientists modified human DNA to be more “ponified”. A worldwide collaboration sent the newfound DNA into all of humanity, splitting them into three distinct tribes, just like in Equestria.

There are Earth humans, who were given uncanny strength, stamina, and durability. Pegasi-humans were given superhuman speed, reflexes, and agility, as well as the ability to accurately predict the weather. Unicorn humans experienced further cognitive growth, giving them near computer-like intelligence. Most of the unicorn-humans focused heavily on further advancing the Homo Equus project, as well as the inevitable Singularity with AI. The ultimate goal of the Homo Equus project was to develop actual Equestrian magic, but this is at least 100-200 years away, so these will do for now.

Our main character, Mike Magnus, is an Earth Human, so he is extremely strong and durable.

***

Anyways, as I was saying, getting home, he quickly put her down on the sofa and she shook her fur like a dog to dry herself off.

“Oh my gosh, this is nuts! I don’t know what to do!”

“Hello, my chi- Wait one minute. What is that? What the buck is that?!?”, pointing to the alicorn filly freezing on the sofa.

“I don’t know?! It looks like Twilight Sparkle but as a filly. I found her freezing at a bus stop in the rain. Nobody would leave a baby animal in that and so I had to bring her in!"

“I know our society is advancing to ideal ponificiation, and I am all for that. But an actual alicorn in my home!? Imagine if the news found out about this!?”

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it would lead to The Second Twilight Wars between India and Pakistan, which would eventually lead to a hypothetical, "World War Friendship"."

***

“Wait, Jewnicorn. How doth Princess Twilight get sent to this timeline, let alone as a foal?!”

LUNA, If you keep interrupting the story, everypony won’t know, that includes you.

***

ANYWAYS, Mike’s mother quickly runs to her bedroom and brings her heating blanket, plugging it in. After two minutes, she wraps the blanket around the foal, who mutters an adorable, "Thank you.", and falls asleep.

“Aww, she said thank yo- wait she SAID thank you!”, Ms. Magnus exclaims.

“Look up information about the Homo Equus project. What are the odds we finally have a working Twilight model!”

“On it!”, as he races upstairs and slides into his chair, opening his laptop.

“Hello, Mike! What would you like my help with today?” A regal voice says. An icon of Princess Celestia appears on the bottom right corner of his screen.

"Celestia, please look up all the data you can find about the Homo Equus project!"

“Right on it”, opening several tabs on it.

The A.I's that flawlessly mimicked any of the characters on the show were out, as that had way too many safeguards for the ultra-accurate equine robots in the real world... interactions, not to mention the SFW and the NSFW chat rooms.
There was also the small problem that the robots were programmed to only function and stay powered in a special space, and to guide any and all interactions to stay within said space.

The biological attempts at constructing ponies to act like their characters in real life was proving to be much more difficult (most would say impossible and leave it at that) than was previously thought, although there were those who insisted they were already done and perfected. Why they weren't released yet, those theories flew about and grew like parasites.
China was definitely doing some illegal stuff to make alicorn weapons of mass destruction, but these attempts seem superficial at best, and cringeworthy at worst. The images leaked on ponychan.org were just actual horses painted over with pastel colors, and small genetic modifications to give them “kawaii” eyes. No sapience, no speech, just genetic anomalies.

“Can’t seem to find anything that could explain a baby Twilight Sparkle alicorn. That poses the question. What if… Nah, I am not that crazy.” Mike softly talks to himself, before a familiar mulberry pony walks up the stairs and comes to his room.

“Umm… hello! I attempted to greet your mom, but she doesn't seem to be… At all there, to be honest… My name is Twilight Sparkle."

Interestingly, it was the A.I who gathered her thoughts first.

"Hello, my faithful student. Am I to assume that you are the real Twilight Sparkle, from another universe?"

Her brain shorted out for a bit before it rebooted and she started crying and calling out for her.

That was the first signal that was needed for Michael's brain to restart and get him talking.

"Um-gah-it's-you're-."

"Michael? Deep breath. In. And out. In. And out. And in… And out. Better?"

"Ye-. GAH!"

It turns out that little fillies (especially alicorns) are insanely strong, particularly if they believe that you're holding their mentor captive.

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING PRINCESS CELESTIA?!"

"TWILIGHT SPARKLE. Have you already forgotten your studies in Royalty?"

She backed off with a gasp, going to the middle of the room and whimpering her apologies while shrinking into a fetal position.

"Now, Twilight. What do you say to ponies that you hurt?"

Getting back on her hooves, she shakily lifted her right hoof and extended it towards the still mystified human.

"I'm - hiccup - I'm sorry for attacking you and not waiting for an explanation."

That was the second signal for his brain to start working correctly, and for him to release the breath that he was holding while reaching forward and shaking the offered hoof.

"A-a-apology a-accepted. Now… H-h-how did you get here? Which lab did-?"

"Michael. Can't you see that this Twilight is from another universe? The quantum energy readings are off the charts! No traces of carbon life, purely magical matter.”

"... In plain English, please?"

“Sorry, Mike. All living things emit radiation. Now, this radiation isn’t necessarily harmful and is just a result of bodily functions.”, while projecting a new tab on Mike’s laptop that explains.

“This Twilight does not emit the same kind of energy, because her DNA is not based on Carbon, like life on Earth, but rather of an ethereal, alien source. This DNA is bound by magic, not carbon. I, therefore, deduced that her origin is not from this reality. Sometimes, I wish you were a unicorn human, Mike. Things would be easier to explain sometimes.” Celesti-AI says with a chuckle.

"... You do realize that I have Unicorn Variant DNA, right? It's just that…', with an embarrassed chuckle, 'I haven't been able to fully control-."

Whispers and flashes of random memory, from a show he watched once years ago to a Shakespearean play he read in its entirety half asleep, was being replayed perfectly in his head. It was slow at first, but the flashes of memory accelerated in accuracy and detail till he was screaming on the floor, clutching his head.

"W-w-what's happening, Princess?!"

"It's an unfortunate side-effect of his Semitic DNA. Please stand back and don't touch him. We can only let it pass."

***

“HOLD ON, JEWNICORN. THOU ART OF SEMITIC ORIGIN. WHY DOTH THINE BODY FUNCTION PROPERLY, BUT THIS YOUNG MAN CANNOT?”

I can answer that later, boss. CAN WE FINISH THE BUCKING CHAPTER?!?

***

THE MINUTES passed, his screaming lowering to a whimper, which finally stopped 4 minutes into the attack.

"A… Apologies for that, Twilight. The DNA that I have causes me to have perfect recall and allows me to… See where and how the pieces of the puzzle that is my memory fit, no matter the situation.', as he sits back in his chair.
'Of course, not only would I have to have context about whatever I need to solve, but I would also have to be able to sort through those memories perfectly, which, as you can see…", shrugging.

"O-oh. H-how did you come to be like this?"

“Well, it's a long story. The short version is that we REALLY like you, as our society revolves around ponies. We got to the point that we modified our own bodies to become superhuman, to better emulate the values of Friendship. The only problem is, some humans have recessive genes that didn’t react well to the new modification. I was born with one of those recessive genes. If I was born in Equestria, I would be an Earth Pony, because I have super strength and stamina, but a few of my genes are from Unicorn DNA, so I have slightly above average mental capabilities.”

“So… your planet decided to play Celestia with your bodies? That’s horrible!”

“Actually, Twilight, I am not G-d.” Celesti-AI says with a grin.

“You know what I mean. Anyways, Princess, do you know how I got here?”

“Well, I am not THE Princess Celestia, rather an artificial intelligence constructed in her likeness. You can call me “Celesti-AI”.", showing her true form as lines and lines of code, before reverting to her alicorn icon. “I don’t know how you got here, Twilight, but it is strange that you de-aged. I can sense your temporal readings being all over the place. You used to be 27 years old. Now you are 4.”

“Wha…? Twilight's DEAGED? How does that work?!”

“I… I don’t know, mister human guy. I don’t remember anything other than you finding me at the bus stop. Can… can I live here?”

"Of course you can! The Element of Kindness is very important in our family.”

“... ‘The Element of Kindness’? I thought it was an action?”

What followed was a multi-season binge of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, one that his mom joined once she was able to wrap her head around multiple universes actually existing, not just fiction from one of the most famous short stories ever, My Little Dashie.

“So… Let me get this straight: In this universe, I and my future friends are stars of a show that’s all about friendship, which you humans admired so much that you decided to model your society after us, while also changing your bodies?! I’m… I need to think about this. Where am I going to stay until the Princess finds me?”

“Well, I am afraid that the real me isn’t going to find you anytime soon.’, Celesti-AI says, moving from Mike’s laptop to the 8K TV. “The multiverse works like a clock, and Equestria is exactly one spoke behind this reality. It will be several years, possibly a decade, maybe more, before they line up again. You are lucky that your memory got wiped. You can start a new life here, make new friends, and possibly bring magic to this world. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

“I… I guess… Where will I sleep for however long I have to stay here? And when can I go out?”

“I’m… Afraid that’s not possible. Going out, I mean. You are one of the most popular characters on Earth. There have been fights and wars over you. If you were to expose yourself to the rest of humanity… Nothing good would come from that.”

“What if I use my status as Princess of Friendship?”

“Well… To be frank, you’re still a filly, and thus, are very susceptible to any attempts of manipulation.”

“Speaking of the Crystal Empire, I hope that my Celestia isn’t as foalish as that one. I mean, sending me and Spike alone, when every time I had saved Equestria, I had only been able to do it with my friends! RIDICULOUS!’

...

She laughed uncomfortably at the embarrassed silence.

‘That is my Celestia, isn't it?”

At this point, the sun was about to start peeking above the horizon, Michael’s mom having gone to bed halfway through Season 3.

“As far as we know… Yeah, yeah, she is.”

“... With all due respect to you, Celesti-AI… BUCK YOU, PRINCESS CELESTIA!! BUCK YOU AND YOUR UNNECESSARY TRICKERY STRAIGHT TO TARTARUS!!”

***

“Poor Princess Twilight! She lost her memory, her family, and her friends. Will she be okay?”

Luna, if you keep interrupting me, I won’t be able to finish the story. But yes, she will be fine. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling this story if it had a sad ending. It’s meant for all ages, especially our young friends at home.

“Very well, proceed, Jewnicorn.”

***

AFTER a long day at Unicorn University, Michael wearily made his way up the steps to the front door of his home, ignoring the alert his phone was buzzing at him.

"Good evening, Twilight! How was yo-? WHAT THE BUCKING FEATHER, TWILIGHT SPARKLE?! Celest-AI?!"

"I'm sorry! I attempted to shut it down, but she was somehow able to get around it and so I've been trying to get you or your mom!"

"Why...? What...? Pinkie...?"

"Twilight. Twilight, honey. Look at me!"

"HOW COULD SHE DO SUCH A HORRIFYING THING TO RAINBOW!?"

Catching her as she bawled into his shoulder, he calmly petted her.

"That was NOT her! Do you hear me, Twilight? THAT. WAS NOT. HER!"

"B-but the multiverse the-?"

"Listen. There may be one like that out there, but you are here, and you are safe."

"BUT-!?"

"Twilight. A true friend would NEVER do such a thing. Am I right?"

"Y-yes."

"Good. Now, would you like to hear what I learned today about Defensive and Offensive Friendship?"

"S-sure. S… sorry, again, for-."

"Mention it no more. Now, based on the title I mentioned, what do you think I'm talking about?"

"... 'Defensive' is about self-defense and fighting, but 'offensive'…? I'm honestly a bit lost…"

"You're right about the first one. 'Offensive' friendship is about how to disarm bullying, fights, and enemies before they hurt someone else or you."

“So, what would “offensive friendship” look like?”

“Well, even offensive friendshipis defensive. The point is to prevent conflict, not instigate it. Usually, that involves de-escalation techniques, but if fighting is necessary, to try and attack at parts of the body where damage is minimal, so don’t aim for the head!”

“Interesting. If I had my whole memory, I would probably be able to give you some advice on this. Sorry, I can’t be of more help. Oh! Do you have any ice cream? I am CRAVING ice cream!”, using her magic to open the freezer and rummage through its contents.

"Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses there, sweetie! I have a better idea: there's a really good ice cream shop in town and they have their menu online. Find a flavor you want, and while I'm getting it, I'll also stop by the Library and pick up a history book of how everything got to how it is today. Read it, I'll give you a quiz, and you'll get a scoop of ice cream for every question you get right."

To say that she was excited was an understatement.

"Yesyesyesyes! Thank you, dad, thank you!"

'Heh heh heh. She called me dad.'

He froze.

"She called me 'dad'..."

He walked out of the Library in a daze, muttering, "I'm fortunate no one in the Library overheard me. It has been a few months since I found Twilight… And now, for her to be calling me 'dad'..."

He shakes his head while discussing this with his mom at the dining room table, Twilight taking her afternoon nap.

"It's a big responsibility, son. And one you've been doing excellent with, from my point of view."

"Heh, did I tell you how many scoops of ice cream she got? All of them. I had to convince her that it would be better to spread the ice cream out over the week, then allow her three scoops today."

“Your little pony is a smart cookie. She's rigging the system to get what she wants, and is doing it with much success.”

His mouth opened and closed in slow realization.

"Heh… How true… I am not surprised, to be honest. She IS the smartest mare in Equestria, assuming that she's as old as she is in the show. I wonder what kind of stuff she has been read-"

“DAD! Let me show you a cool book!” Twilight says loudly from her room, flying down the stairs with a book in her mouth.

“Hm, what is it?”

“War and Peace by somepony named Tolstoy.”, using her magic to open to her last page.

“Holy smokes! I just read that for school!”

“Indeed you did, Mike. I had to dumb it down a bit for you.” Celesti-AI says, visualizing herself into a life-sized hologram in the living room.

“Hey! It’s a hard book! I am not that stupid!”

“Just messing with you. You DID set my humor setting to 15%, did you not?”, with much chagrin.

“Wait, Princess Celesti-AI, he’s reading this book, too? It’s so easy! How did somepony like my dad have trouble with it?”

"That's easy to explain, honey. When it comes to my memory, I'm able to connect the puzzle pieces in ways unlike and not obvious to anyone else, even pureblood unicorn humans. It's when I try to visualize and communicate the completed puzzle, that I end up… Having a mental breakdown."

“Ahh. Okay. Now, about that Rocky Road you promised me…”, stars appearing in her eyes while she licked her lips.

***

“Hold on, Jewnicorn. Since when does Princess Twilight like ice cream?”

No clue, boss. I mean even on Earth/03, she doesn’t have a sweet tooth. She is usually a health nut. Must be due to her deaging, I think?

“Fascinating, we apologize for interrupting thee once more, but this query is of paramount importance. Epicurean questions are of the highest priority for us.”

Okay, boss. Now, where were we?

***

"UM… Are you sure about this, Twilight?"

"One hundred percent. Why?"

"... Because I'm certain that Rocky Road and pecan pie do not go together… I would rather have pecan pie with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."

"Running nutritional scans,' Celesti-AI says, using what appears to be magic to look at the health information of both rocky road ice cream and pecan pie.

'Nutritional values are fine. It is an issue of taste. If I recall, somepony here has a tree nut allergy, so I am not in the mood to administer an Epi-Pien. I’d advise having the ice cream to accommodate as many people (or ponies) as possible.”

"Not me, Sun-Butt. I think it's my mom."

“Verifying Madam Magnus’ health records... Yes. Anaphylaxis to tree nuts. Please be accommodating of your mother, and my name is CELESTI-AI. If you call me “Sun-Butt” one more time, I will fire a localized EMP disabling all electronics in this house. Understood?”

"Not unless you want to be disabled as well, Your Royal Highness Sun and Cake Butt Supreme."

“I exist in The Cloud, ergo my EMP will do no harm to my data. Firing EMP in Five… Four… Three… Tw-.”

“NO, PRINCESS!” Twilight says, casting a spell to protect the electronics in the house.

“Ah… so my clever pupil is calling out my bluffing. I just want respect. Even if I am created by humans, I am just as sapient as them. Well, almost. Singularity is still a decade away. I’m… 87% there.”

"I'm just hoping that when you do get there, that you don't start killing people and transferring a mere copy of their brain to "Equestria Online". That novel still freaks me out a bit!"

“How silly are you, Mike! Don’t you know Asimov’s three laws of robot ethics? I can be annoying, but my code prohibits me from harming sapient life. Now, unplugging their toys isn't harmful, but their bodies are off-limits. Even with full autonomy, my source code will not allow me or anypony else’s AI to harm a sapient creature. In fact, my mandate is to PROTECT sapient life and to teach them about Friendship.”

"... Shutting up before I say anything more embarrassing…", Mike grumbles.

“Good. Now, I do have a book recommendation for my pupil.”

Twilight’s eyes light up in excitement.

“Ever hear of the Babylonian Talmud, Twilight? This text is the foundation of exegetical analysis, and would suit your brain perfectly!”

“Really?! Keep going!”