The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M

***

“What happened to Mike? Does he survive this altercation with the medical staff? PRITHEE TELL, JEWNICORN!!”

Ugh… for an immortal alicorn princess, you are a bit immature sometimes. YES, Mike will be fine. I told you this is a filly and colt-friendly story. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise: “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

“Thine “Pinkie Promise” appeases us. Proceed with thy tale, Jewnicorn.”

***

Mike woke up, not in his bed, but in a hospital room. Thankfully, he wasn’t in the ICU or anything, but since the Huqine 2.0 DNA strains came out, and most of America developed superpowers, the doctors were working 24/7 to make sure that nobody has any negative immune responses. That is what the physicians initially thought happened to Mike, before the Magnus’ Celesti-AI transmitted all of his biometric data to the Cadence General Hospital of Bloomington.

"Wha- cough cough… Wh-?"

"DAD!!"

“Twilight?! How-?”

Wrapping his arms around her, she quickly whispered in his ear, "Mind spell for them to forget me as soon as they see/hear me. It'll only last until they leave the building, though the memories will still be erased."

“W… where are the doctors, though? I- cough I don’t get it.”

“They're busy going over your data, dad. Also, heads up, the Department of Homeland Security wants to meet you, along with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Soarin’.

“Wha-? Homeland Security? The Pentagon? For what?!”

“YOU ARE A BUCKING ALICORN HUMAN AND THE FIRST TRUE ONE, AT THAT!”

"Glup."

Are they going to tear him up and make supersoldier alicorns? Are they going to spread freedom 20% at a time to China, Iran, etc? He just wants to live a normal life!

“Mr. Magnus. I’m “Soarin’” Montgomery, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.’

A middle aged man says, opening the door of Mike’s hospital room.

‘Came to check on Patient Null. Believe me, a normal pegasus human like me has a lot to be envious about.”

Standing to the left of the bed while Twilight hid on the right, the two humans vigorously shook hands.

"Believe me, there's nothing to be envious about. If I hadn't been barely grabbing you and slowly moving my hand and arm, I dare say that there would be… Nothing of you to bury."

His mouth formed words, but refused to say them.

"... I… think… How? How were you able to do that mere hours after achieving Alicornhood?!"

"You get used to treating everything like cardboard after destroying your mom's dining and living rooms far more times than she and you can count. In contrast, I merely needed to treat you like the most fragile piece of artwork in history."

The agent shuddered at the walking Alicorn bomb lying on the hospital bed before drawing himself up, unlocking a suitcase and withdrawing a paper.

"I should inform you that under both the Patriot Act of 2003 and the Friendship Stability Act of 2023, a blood sample will be needed to study the genetic mutation that occurred. You will receive monetary compensation. Obviously, I will not be doing the blood draw, since I am not a physician, but I thought telling you on behalf of the Pentagon would be the most moral choice. Gotta be as honest as I can, right? It’s what Applejack would do.”

'A blood draw? Not the worst thing that could happen to someone. I just need to close my eyes and it’ll be over in a minute.', he thinks as he signs the paper.

***

“A blood draw? Are these humans mad? Don’t they know that alicorn blood is highly radioactive?! We see many problems with this, even if Mike is human.”

Actually, Luna, I didn’t even know that. I am not even a month into my ascension. Guess I am a walking Chernobyl, then!

“What is Chernobyl, Jewnicorn?”

Long story for another time, and this one isn’t for everypony, so we can talk after okay?

“Very well, proceed with thy tale, Jewnicorn.”

***

...

That's assuming that they can even penetrate his skin, as the Tirek vs. Twilight fight demonstrated.

A few seconds later, an Earth human nurse comes into Mike’s room with a sterile syringe and a pad of rubbing alcohol.

“Do you have a preference on which arm I draw blood from, Mike?”

“Well, I am right-handed, so can you draw from the left arm, please?”, rolling up his left sleeve to reveal his vein.

The nurse takes a small cotton pad with rubbing alcohol and sterilizes Mike’s arm, to ensure that nothing gets infected. “Hold still, Mike.”

Twilight did not know what a blood draw was, thus she genuinely thought that this “nurse” was about to harm her father. Feeling his daughter was about to do something rather stupid, he subtlety calmed her down with a telepathic message, informing her of what was about to happen.

*... Fine. But I seriously doubt that they'll be able to get through your skin.*

*... Good po-.*

"Um, sir?"

"Yes?"

"Were you feeling that at all?"

"Feeling-?'

He saw her holding up a snapped needle.

'what…?"

"And this was for the toughest Earth humans… Until we know more about you, we're going to just have to be satisfied with scans of your body and magic. Apparently, your skin is impenetrable."

"... So that happened…"

Finally getting out of the hospital and evading the swarm of parasprites that were the paparazzi by teleportation to a hotel room reserved by Glittering Star, they fell on the couch with a groan.

“Holy smokes! How… How in… How am I the first Alicorn Human?! Genetic mutations? Dumb luck? I… I… Celesti-AI, are you there?”

A familiar alicorn is quickly projected into the hotel room.

“Yeah, Mike, I’m here. And Twilight, how does it feel not being the only alicorn in town?”, with a chuckle.

“It’s crazy! By Earth standards, Mike is basically Stallion-Do-Well! Even with everypony here getting the full perks of their tribe, nopony is like him! It’s a bit alarming, to be honest. Although I am proud of my Daddy!”, flying into her adoptive father’s arms and pecking him on the cheek.

“Aww!”, hugging his little filly through his shivering.

Tensing up at the knocking of the door, Celesti-AI lifted a hoof for them to stay quiet while she glanced outside using the cameras.

"Is anypony there? It's the Department of Homeland Security. We just need to have a moment of your time, please."

***

“Tell us, Jewnicorn, what doth the “Department of Homeland Security” want with Sir Alicorn Mike?”

If I tell you now, Luna, everypony will get a spoiler. Is that what you want? Now, I know we get along swimmingly, but I have 10,000 bits on the line from Starlight!

“Thou art correct, regardless of thy position in the Lunar treasury. Proceed!”

Everypony, I love my boss, but be patient with her, okay?

***

Michael made sure to keep his voice down while Twilight directed it right to her ears and Celesti-AI's microphones.

"Call me paranoid right now, but I can't trust my daughter with them. What should we do, Celesti-AI?"

“Best course of action is to accept their demands. Twilight can teleport to your house. Remember, Friendship Act of ‘23. They don’t need your permission. They are trying to be polite!”

"Grrr…"

Going to the door as Twilight disappears with a flash of teleportation, he gently grabs the doorknob, only leaving a slight impression, and opens it calmly, so as to not let his anger get the better of him.

"Sir?"

His eyes were neon white, following their every move as they gingerly stepped in and sat down.

"Yes?"

"Pinkie Pie Promise that you won't lash out?"

The room visibly trembles, his magic lightly covering everything except the beings inside.

"Do you Pinkie Pie Promise that you won't take me somewhere that my family can't visit at anytime?"

"*Gulp* ... Y-yes, sir. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."

"And please do remember that I heard that. Don't hurt anyone, Mike. It'll take a while for them to heal."

His eyes reverted to their natural green color.

"Understood, Pinkie. Now, gentlemen, what would you like to talk about?"

"National Security and Twilight Sparkle, sir."

“The character? Why-?”

“You know perfectly well who we’re talking about, sir.”

Casting to a flat tv that was statically clinging to the wall, they played a recording of last night, where one of the C.M.C had captured a fleeting glimpse of mulberry fur.

“... Where-?”

“Eye contact camera lenses. We’re going to ask you again sir, where is- ACK!”

Being hurled against the wall while getting choked, their eyes widened in horror and shock as massive dark brown wings and an obsidian-colored horn sprouted from his back and forehead in seconds, as well as his body growing more muscular, akin to the old Captain Equestria movies.

“I’m going to give you and your fellow agents till I get to feathering FIVE to convince me that you’ll leave her alone before I continue squeezing.”