The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
The Only Winning Move is Not To Play
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“MAYBE. Now-”
“DAD!”
“PRINCESS!”
He flared his wings while keeping her just behind him.
“You don’t get to even look at her, you foals, much less call her ‘Princess’. PROMISE ME THAT WE WILL NOT BE SEPARATED FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT HERSELF OR WHATEVER HEAD OF ANY AGENCY BEGGED!”
“WE PROMISE, WE PROMISE, WE PROMISE!! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Bringing them closer, he snared in their faces.
“I will do much worse if that promise is broken.”
"And please do remember that I heard that as well, Gentlemen."
Gently setting them down, he grabs Twilight as he sits on the couch and sets her on his lap, keeping his eyes on them all the while.
“Now- Talk.”
Coughing as they rub their throats, they decided to stand for the rest of their time there.
“How aware are you of modern-day geopolitics?”
“I know about the Friendship Wars, ponification, and President Strong. That’s it.”
He wasn’t really a political nerd. Now Shy Tree, on the other hand, would probably be giving a lecture on this stuff if it wasn’t for his youth.
“Okay. That’s a good start. Are you aware that there is one country on Earth that is not ponified at all, not even partially?”
“Really? Even with the Rarity Fund for Huqine Advancement in every Third World country? Which?”
“North Korea, son. North Korea. They are the last enclave on Earth to not have any pony DNA and are sorely deficient in the joy that Friendship brings. Since you are the first alicorn human, what better ambassador to Friendship can there be than the paragon of pony-ness!?”
Celesti-AI butts in, projecting herself in between her user and government personnel.
“From what I have pulled up on North Korea while listening in, it seems they’re not interested in Friendship at all. They want to be left alone.”
“I know, Celesti-AI, but it is in the interest of national security to intervene. Imagine how many more talents can be uncovered with 26 million more Huquines?
“National Security? Horseapples with that neocolonialist nonsense. You want their oil or something!” Celesti-AI says, shaking her muzzle in disapproval.
Twilight pitches in while looking at Mike’s laptop, “Umm, Celesti-AI, you know that the US is 100% renewable now, right? Since 2033?”
She sighs. “I KNOW, Twilight! I just don’t like these guys.”
“Well, as much as I don’t like them either, your code SPECIFICALLY calls for expanding friendship around the world. I am more than happy to help the US non-violently, on the condition that nopony goes near my daughter or does anything to her. She is my everything.”
The guards nod in approval: “Nothing will happen to Twilight. We made a Pinkie Promise.”
It is true, they DID make a Pinkie Promise. Violating that oath is tantamount to perjury, with a maximum of ten years in federal prison for violating it. Nopony wants to go to Tartarus Maximum Security, even on a good day!
“Okay, so you want me to fly over to North Korea and teach them about friendship. When do we leave?”
“Um… NOW? The regime is threatening to fire a nuclear warhead towards the US in less than 72 hours. That’s why we called you. Do you think you can fly supersonic? Not even the top-tier pegasi humans can. Time is of the essence.”
Celesti-AI grins as her horn light up.
“Scanning Mike’s biometrics.’
Using her virtual horn like a scanner to scan Mike’s body from head to toe.
‘The triple helix in true alicorn human DNA seems to allow for supersonic flight with zero damage to the body. I am sure that if R-AI-nbow Dash was here, she would be impressed. The question still remains, however. How did Mike get the real alicorn DNA, but that poor baby in China didn’t?”
“No idea, don’t care. Now please get going before Seattle or San Francisco or Los Angeles goes up in a nuclear fireball!”
“Daddy, do you want me to fly with you for a bit? I don’t think you’ve been flying before. A little help from your family would put you at ease!”, fluttering up with eager excitement. Her father is going on an adventure!
His fingers drum his leg as he quickly thinks.
"... Yes, but only until we reach California. Once I hit the ocean, you TURN AROUND. I am sure that Homeland Security will send Wonderbolts to escort us across the American Continent, correct?
The agents quickly nod, eager to fulfill Mike’s demands lest he alicorn-choke them again.
“Of course, Mr. Magnus. We would also like to make it official that you are a Friendship Ambassador for the Equestrian Alliance of Nations. Here is your special badge from C.M.C headquarters. We wish you good luck, Godspeed, and may Faust go with you."
Opening the window, Twilight gently flies out, beckoning for her father to join her.
“I’m not about to fly without some music.”
Taking out his Soarin’ Ears, he loops them around his ears, inserting the buds inside as he selects some traveling music. Spreading his wings, he flies out the window and joins his daughter a few feet from the hotel.
“I assume you have perfect geolocation as part of your Alicorn Huqine DNA?” The agent asks.
Mike nods as his daughter impatiently does some loops and twirls.
“Time for me to go, gentlemen!”
***
“Woah! Does Mike the Alicorn Human fly faster than Rainbow Dash?”
Not sure Luna. Never went to this timeli-
“Wait, somepony in another world is faster than ME?!”
Ah, I see you came to return your graphic novel. Thank you for coming on time this week. Hope you pick something good next week!
“No problem, Jewnicorn. Don’t sweat it! BYE!”
Well, sorry about that, everypony. We all know Rainbow Dash is a HUGE Daring Do fan, so I had to curate for her reading tastes. Now, where were we?”
***
The news of the first true Alicorn human had already rocketed all over the country, meaning that there were multiple people who were… To say excited is too soft.
“Twilight, Invisibility Spell, then get on my back. We have fans, and not the nice ones, incoming!”
Quickly doing so, she then whispers, “If I was you, Daddy, I would see if you can copy Dashie’s signature trick, I think it’s called the “Sonic Rainboom”? I think I could, but could you?”
“Gulp. I don’t know, dear, but if it’ll get us away from these rabid girls… Heh, I’ve always wondered if the human body could withstand the sound barrier… Not like this, though…!”
Climbing to a high altitude with rapid flaps, he made sure that his daughter held a tight grip.
“Three o’clock, 12 o’clock, 6 o’clock, they’re everywhere, dad!”
Making eye contact, he grinned nervously as he felt his magic gather in his wings and around his body.
“Not for long.”
Steeling himself, he focused on San Francisco, then-.
Silence.
Well, not exactly.
When the song was getting to the middle, he made sure to slow down, his sight becoming sharper and sharper until he magically came to a stop above the Golden Gate Bridge.
“Thank you for riding Air Michael. Please put your wings, legs, and eyes in their correct position as we land.”
Landing at the San Francisco C.M.C HQ while pausing the song, he allowed his daughter to shakily climb off, her eyes wide and her mouth with the widest grin ever.
“T-T-T-T-T-THANK YOU, DAD! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!”
“Welcome, but now I have to go to work. And I will be back. Keep a close eye on her, everyone. AND NO ONE. LAYS A HAND, OR ANYTHING ELSE, ON HER. Have fun!”
With another flap of his wings, he took off towards North Korea, where the plan was to meet up with the Seventh Fleet of Harmony.
Restarting the song, he closed his eyes and allowed his innate instincts to guide him into one Sonic Boom after another, while the music kept him from freaking out too much.
Within minutes, Mike was well past the Hawaiian Islands. While in international airspace, as he was thinking about what he could possibly share with North Korea, a holographic alicorn begins flying next to him.
"Greetings, Sir."
“Ah, Celesti-AI! I forgot I was wearing my pony watch!”
“Yeah, smart of you.”
The rest of the flight was conducted in silence.
Opening his eyes as he exited the latest S.B, he slowed himself, allowing the incoming Wonderbolts to guide him to the headship.
“Mike-san! You are now in Japanese airspace! We welcome you as your guest with open arms!” A Japanese pegasus-human says, nodding at Mike.
The Wonderbolt is a bit confused at the Celestia hologram.
“Is… is that Celestia-sama? How many of you are there?”
“No, I am Mike’s AI assistant, Celesti-AI. I can assure you that he is the only alicorn with you.”
“Ah. We welcome you, Great Alicorn, to the Land of the Friendly Sun.”
They descended to the flight deck and further descended to the gallery.
“Thank you. I’m afraid that my flight here took out a lot of my energy, so I-.”
“Here you go, Mike-kun~ We were informed that you only eat kosher, so we-”
They were mute as he put away a good half amount of his body weight, which was rather quickly digested.
"... Wow.”
“Indeed. Now, what have you told the North Korean Government?”
“Everything we could, but they refuse to listen. We also have reason to fear that they have somehow broken our encrypted communications and are attempting to subvert our more secret uni-men abilities.”
“Well, based on my calculations, I’d say we have 72 hours before anything serious would happen.” Celesti-AI says, shrugging.
“We think the best approach is to go in through South Korea via the DMZ, and withhold your abilities until absolutely needed.”
“Agreed. If I don’t have to test my abilities’ limits, it’ll be fine with me.”
***
“J-corn! Will Mike be alright? Will he be able to spend time with his daughter and earn his happy ending?”
If you keep inter- I give up. Luna. Just… just do what you want. I don’t care that I am paying out of pocket for this.
***
As they made their way to the DMZ, Michael was given a quick and easy tour of South Korea. Meanwhile, China was amassing their army on the North Korean border to force them to keep the peace. For the first time in recent memory, North Korea refused.
***
“I calculate there’s less than 24 hours before BLEEP hits the fan!”
Everyone looked at Celesti-AI in shock.
“What? We’re only facing down a nation who potentially has the ability to destroy South Korea and eliminate any pony abilities thrown against them! I have the right to curse!”
“Celesti-AI. Lock at zero for cursing.”
“According to my pegasi sensors an ICBM is pointed towards Hawaii right now, so we better get a move on!”
One of the Japanese attaches said, pulling up a projector which shows the estimated trajectory of this ICBM.
“I wouldn’t want to be in Hawaii right now…”
The other attache says, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Please be serious, everypony!” Celesti-AI says, her horn turning red.
“Hai, Celesti-AI-Sama!” The Japanese allies said, saluting the AI.
“Well, you gotta get to North Korea now and disarm the missile!” Celesti-AI says to everypony.
"On my way!"
***
Unknown to Mike, the San Francisco C.M.C was currently freaking out over the sudden disappearance of his daughter, who they last saw outside, eating a snack while reading on a tablet..
Unknown to them, she had had enough waiting for her father, and so took it upon herself to bring Friendship to the North Koreans. In preparation, she refreshed herself on the war, learned Korean overnight and the modern-day spat of politics (which made her swear that if she ever got back to her home, that she would reform the whole government. Blueblood could leap off Canterlot for all she cares! … Doesn’t sound like a bad idea…).
Anyway, to cut this short, she had already been in the DMZ an hour or so before her father had.
“DADDY! I CAME TO SEE YOU!”
He froze.
“No… No, not my… If you have done-.”
“No, no no. We have done nothing. Your demonic daughter, on the other hand, tried to sway us with her deceiving words. We have already taught those unfortunate people the meaning of true friendship, but your daughter refuses to see reason.”
“Please… S… Stop killing! I-i-if you would just allow-!”
“We will not, young one. You are too blind to see the truth, but once you are back in school-.”
He saw neon red as his magic turned the same.
“I. Will give you. To the count of five. To release. My daughter.”
“One.”
“We have a missile pointed at Hawaii. We wi-.”
“Two.”
“Launch the missile.”
“Three.”
“You do not have time to save her and your pe-.”
“Four.”
“What will they think? The world will see you-.”
“Five.”
A single blink. That’s all it took.
Twilight was in his arms, the North Korean soldiers were missing theirs, and the capital was wiped off the map completely. There wasn’t even enough rubble to confirm that there was anything there in the first place. The missile, on the other hand, was hurled into outer space where it exploded harmlessly halfway between the earth and the moon.
And before he flew back to the U.S, he made sure that the international tv cameras the North Koreans had set up heard what he had to say.
“No one. Touches. My daughter.”
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