Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“Twilight is Twilighting around and doing magic research—” Technically illegal if anypony other than Twilight were attempting to break her Highness Celestia’s own spell and Shining wasn’t going to be the one to expose her “—again, but I’ll talk to Jane.”

“Shining, we don’t have time for that, we need to catch the Crystal Express.”

“Five minutes, babe. It won’t even slow us down to swing by her place. It’ll take ten minutes to get there andI’ll pop in for five minutes and give her a quick reminder that she shouldn’t neglect our parents.”

“That’s so kind of you, Shining, what a considerate colt, don’t you think, Cadanza?”

Cadance could hardly kibosh the idea now.

“Yes, Mother Sparkle, he’s so kind.”

Outmanuvered again, Cadance smiled demurely and hid her annoyance. There would be a payback for Shining later, on her own turf. He knew that.

“Alright,” she said, “but if you get chatting with your sister and lose track of time, I’ll have to leave you behind.”

“Thank you, Shining,” Nightlight said. “We don’t want to pester you foals but truth is, your mother and I really appreciate seeing you and your sisters whenever you can spare the time.”

“Twilight is impossible—” Having the younger sister be a borderline demigod complicated family dynamics “—but Jane probably just lost track of time.”

“I can help with that. It’s been a hundred and twelve days, four hours, and five minutes.”

“Mom, that’s creepy.”

—

A detour to swing by Jane Sparkle's house at the edge of campus really wouldn't make the ride to the station take any longer. The winding streets actually described a shorter route than the expressway which circled wide around the core of the city. It would be more work for the team pulling them, what with additional stops and starts, but they bore the news stoically. The prospect of respectfully admiring the famously cute coeds of Canterlot U as they traversed the streets near sorority row might have cheered them some.

“Dad, are guavas really bright purple? I doesn’t seem like a natural colour.”

“Oh, I don’t know, honey. I wouldn't know an actual guava if it bit me on the—”

“Dear.”

He knew that tone of voice, and that he had probably pushed his wife’s forbearance about as far as it went.

“—grass.”

Strange, he didn’t remember a civil emergency drill being scheduled for Canterlot today, but they blasted past the checkpoint too fast to ask the soldiers scattering out of the way what was happening.

“You should ask Mom. Your Grandmare and Grandsire vacationed in the south seas several times. Always came home with stories of white sand beaches, grass skirts, hibiscus wine flowing like water, spearfishing by torchlight, and especially the exotic fruits”.

Shining snapped a salute to the corporal commanding another checkpoint as they plowed through without stopping. With two princesses aboard, nopony could argue that he was not on official business. And no junior NCO was going risk a chevron trying to arrest a general.

“Like what?”

“Oh gosh, I was more focused on getting into the military academy than listening to my dam tell me about fruit. I think there were paw-paws, pineapples (those were uncommon here on the mainland when I was a colt), durian, broadfruit, and of course the guava.”

“What’s broadfruit? Is that some kind of a slur on mares?”

At her age, the future Princess of Love didn’t have a grasp on why adults were compelled to perform the acts that they did, but she was very conscious of whether they treated each other well.

“No, sweetie, the fruit is literally broad in shape. It’s shaped like a… like a…” Shining cast his mind back to a photograph he hadn’t looked at in years “—like a big green whoopie cushion!”

He was already in trouble. Reminding the ruler of the Crystal Kingdom of a minor prank that nearly resulted in a diplomatic incident couldn't make things much worse. How was he to know that Cadance and the visiting premier of Hosstralia would trade seats?

“And ponies bake them in the coals and eat the insides out, steaming hot.”

“I’ll ask Grandmare next time.”

“She’d love to tell you about their adventures.”

Soon, the chariot drew to a halt before a small house in a cul-de-sacked enclave of professorial residences. The lead pony unhitched himself, quiesced the flashing gem that had alerted checkpoint guards that Royalty were aboard, and saluted at the aft of the chariot.

“Thank you, sergeant. I’ll just be a moment.”

“You have five minutes,” Cadance reminded him.

“Five minutes,” he agreed, striding up the walk.

The knock was just a courtesy. When the siblings Sparkle had all lived in Canterlot, they shared lockspells among themselves, and he let himself in after a beat.

“Jane? Are you home?”

“What’s up, Shines? Got the fam’ with ya?”

Shining Armor followed his sister's voice to her office at the back of the house.

“They’re waiting in the chariot, I’m just popping in for a minute. What’s that sign on your door?”

“My name.”

“Your name isn’t Plain Jane.”

“Plane, not plain. It’s a joke on the complex number plane.”

“Huh?”

“The complex number plane is important to the theoretical branch of my specialty. And because I am the top researcher in the field, I got a nickname.”

“I don’t like it. You are the eldest scion of House Sparkle and I don’t want to see any slight against you.”

“What should it say? Hot Jane? Hot, Hot, Hawt Jane? It’s a joke, and it’s a good rubric to determine if any potential suitors know anything about my field.”

“Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Got any candidates?”

“The last stallion who asked me to marry him was you.”

“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” Shining facehoofed. “I was little colt and had a silly crush on my big sister.”

“I thought it was very sweet, and if our sire had been a pharaoh I could have said ‘yes’. They did that in ancient times, you know.”

“Yes. I know they did. Uther Ponedragon’s son covered his sister, and look what that got him. I didn’t know any better, I was five.”

“It was precious. And you wanted Twilight to be our daughter.”

“Don’t go talking about it around Cadance.”

“Would she be upset about something so long ago?”

“She’d probably want us to try it out.”

“I know I’ve asked you this before, but are you sure about that mare?”

“Mostly sure, yeah. Just don’t give her any ideas. What are you hiding?”

Throughout the conversation Jane had kept her right side away from her brother, and she finally allowed him to sidle around to that side.

“What the hay! You’re hurt! What happened?”

“Keep your hooves on, it’s not major. I was on a case and we needed to be on site to dive into the records before they could shift their assets around. The lead investigator didn’t count on el Capo sending five of his soldiers to stop us. We’ve got two in custody and three on ice.”

“Shit, I gotta hurry up or the wife is gonna leave me here. Who was in charge of your security detail?”

“Slatekin.”

“Is he still on active duty? I’d expect better from him. Sloppy work, letting an analyst into harm’s way.”

“Rohda Slatekin, Old Slatekin’s daughter. It was an ambush; she took an arrow for me and still was able to take down the guy who attacked me. So don’t go making a stink about it.”

“I didn’t realize. Is she okay? Slatekin’s gonna croak if anything happens to any of his foals.”

“She’ll be lame in the left rear for a good while.” Jane summoned a bar of light passing through her body to illustrate the arrow’s path. “Point of entry, just forward of her mark. It went behind her iliac artery and the tip exited down by her ass. It’s a miracle she wasn’t killed or crippled. Nothing but muscle damage.”

“I’ll have Cady mention it to her aunt. A royal commendation always looks good in front of the promotion board.”

“Could you? Thanks.”

“Least I can do for the pony who protected my big sis.”

“So what actually brings you here today?”

“Our parents discretely inform that they miss seeing their eldest daughter.”

“I’ve been teaching. And then on a case.”

“Mom knows to the minute how long it’s been since you visited.”

“One hundred and twelve days, four hours, and twenty five minutes.”

“How do you do— Wait! Twenty five?”

Five minutes more than an even number of hours, plus ten minutes travel, made fifteen. Fifteen out of twenty five meant he had already been talking ten minutes. It sure didn’t feel like ten minutes.

From the street, the sound of chariot wheels.

“Dammit! She’s leaving without me. And she has my cake!”

With a clatter of hooves Shining was out the door. A moment later he was back, a container floating at his side.

“She left cake on the porch, wanna split it?”

“How ‘bout some coffee to go with?”

Jane acknowledged his offer with one of her own; still chatting they headed towards the kitchen.

“I guess I have time to hear about your case, gimme the whole saga…”