Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: The Lunar Archives
(By: Lakeel)
Chapter 7: Just-Say-Neigh

The stars rose high above and a cool breeze had fallen over the land. The gentle waving of long dead grass in rhythmic ripples around the broken asphalt of Route 10 could be relaxing to many a pony. Sadly, plopped around a campfire was a mare who was anything but.

“I will kill a mare!” I complained to the heavens rueing the loss of my stable-suit.

Moonstone prodding at the campfire with a stick rolled his eyes “Oh, stop being so dramatic. It’s maybe sixty degrees out here, you’re not going to shrivel and die.”

“It’s bucking cold!” I retorted, shriveling and dying. I scooched my rear closer to the fire and kept my forehooves wrapped around my body.

“Are all stable ponies like this without constant access to air-conditioning? A slight dip in temperature and you have a complete meltdown? Or is it just you?” Lucy asked looking perfectly unphased by the freezing breeze passing us by, hogging all the toasty soft wings for herself!

“No! We just… I uhh… sh-shut up! The surface is cold!” I’m not wrong, she’s wrong!

“It's only a mild chill on the wind dear, nothing to fuss about. Rather, this would be considered pleasant weather in most of the world.” Lucy’s pinion feathers around the handle, she sighed and sipped from an Enclave-stamped mug. The simple cup was probably the most polished and pristine thing I’d seen yet.. Next to Moonstone.

“Yeah, in the attic!” I pouted.

“Uhh.. Don't you mean the Arctic?” Moonstone questioned before tossing the poking stick into the fire too. He still looked spotless even after gathering all this wood without being axe murdered… what was his secret? Axe murderers always wack the pretty ones first!

“Same thing” I grumbled getting even closer to the flames, finally starting to feel normal. “Oh, that's so much better…” I sighed soaking in the warmth.

Moonstone looked briefly confused. “I hate to break it to you but an attic is a room people store stuff in, and the Arctic is basically the polar ice caps.” I deliberately slow-blinked at him in silence. “If this were the Arctic, which it isn't, there would be ice everywhere and rad-penguins. This is just Fall weather.” At the mention of ‘Fall’ some dead leaves drifted by on the wind. “You do know what Fall is right?” He asked with a sheepish trying-to-be-nice smile.

“Yes, I know what Fall is.” My horn glew bringing over a nearby rock which I let drop to the ground. “See? Fall.” I pointed at the rock. “AKA gravity. Cause some buck named Eye-sack Newtrot or whatever got konked In the head with an apple and said he invented gravity. Even though the princesses had already made gravity, he somehow got credit for the discovery. And because of him we now have the equations to figure things out like bending light, black holes, and why Equis is round.” Fly my high-school education! Fly! I listed scientific facts, counting off on my hooves… more the same hoof repeatedly. “And how we know Equis weighs six by ten to the twenty-fourth power kilograms. Cause six is the holy number and the princesses made it so.”

The tiny princesses in the corner of my vision chiseled away at a little globe and high-hooved together at their genesis skills. Those who couldn't see the princesses glanced concernedly to each other and then back to me.

Lucy was the first to throw her thoughts in the ring. “Well Isn’t that something? Our stable dweller here is both an erudite and a religious nut.”

“Religious nut?” I tilted my head, my mental process skipping a few ones and zeros.

Moonstone quickly stepped in. “What she means to say is uhh.. We meant Fall as in the season. Not the entire history of gravity darlin’.” he was doing that smile again, like I’d said something stupid and he was trying to be nice and deflect.

I squint upon his deflection! “But I’ve never heard of a spice called fall. Is it like the cafe’s pumpkin spice or-” I started but Lucy barely contained a snorty giggle.

After another sip of what I assumed was tea to calm her posh giggles.“That was possibly the grandest display of poorly founded knowledge I’ve heard yet. True, it’s more than most Luddites down here have, but honestly. So many holes It’s like you built your ivory tower on a foundation of pumice.”

“Lucy!” Moonstone protested turning towards Noctilucent and stamping a hoof. “Seriously?! Are you trying to drive her off? We haven’t even had her for twenty-four hours and you're already blasting her like everypony else we meet.” Sweet Celestia Lucy was right… His posterior is toned! Chiseled like bucking marble!

“Whaaat?” Lucy’s head leaned back, wing to her chest in feigned astonishment. “Would you rather I say nothing and let her continue smearing misinformation across the wasteland?”

“Yes!” Moonstone growled now using his big-buck voice. “We’d already be in Applewood by now with your Enclave buddies if you weren’t calling everypony you meet stupid, uncultured, and dirty!”

“But they aaaaare!!” She whined shrinking down proportional to Moonstone’s volume. “It's not my fault they’re wrong!”

There they go again, it hadn’t even been a day and the two were arguing again.

“Hey wait a second…” I rubbed a hoof to my chin and it finally clicked. “I know what pumice is!” I stood to turn my scratching hoof into my accusation hoof. “At least my Ivory tower holds water! The goddesses made everything, defeated discord, and ruled Equestria in harmony for a thousand years! What did the enclave teach you? That the sky is blue cause of the ocean and not light refraction? That feather extensions aren't super noticeable?!”

Lucy gasped in visceral indignation. “How DARE you even associate me with those awful things!”

“So they are real!” I knew it!

“Feather extensions are the physical manifestations of lies and slander! Just like your horn size!” She pointed a hoof back.

Twas my turn to gasp in indignation. “Y-yeah well…well.. Yer dumb!!” Yeah, that’ll teach her!

“Girls!!” Moonstone yelled in such aggravation I skittered away and peered over the edge of a fallen log… bravely! “Do I need to physically separate you two? Cause I will find a stick to wap the both of you if it keeps you from arguing all night.”

I like any reasonable mare cowered- I mean bravely shivered behind the log contemplating the idea of corporal punishment. I should have known the surface had devolved to such barbaric practices!

“You wouldn’t dare! I’m not some toddler you can just- ow!” Lucy yelped getting wapped with one of the spare poking sticks.”Did you seriously just- Owww!! Stop it!” She whined and shielded herself with her wings while Moonstone wapped away every time she kept arguing.

“Yeff…yeff ah fid.” he muffled around the yay long stick in his mouth.

“Ha!” I pointed from behind the log. “Serves you right for calling my horn sma- ACK!” my hooves darted to my head. I too have suddenly become the victim of a vicious wapping… my momentary opinion of Moonstone forever changed. “Hit her not me! Ow!! She started it! Ah! Stop hitting me!!” I flailed!

One vicious stickening later, there were two grumpy mares sitting around the campfire no longer arguing. And a very smug-looking Moonstone enjoying the quiet to boot. “See? Isn’t this peace and quiet nice?” he smiled looking like the most content buck for miles.

Lucy and I grumbled and squinted at eachother from across the fire while distant bunny chirps.. I mean ‘cricket’ chirps added their song to the rustling of the gentle breeze.

I yawned finally breaking the silence. “Welp, I’m going to bed.” and with all the effort it deserved I flopped over on my side. This patch of dead grass felt softer than the others…or at least that's what I told myself.

Moonstone rubbed his chin. “Yeah, you’re probably right. We’ll be in Bubble Town tomorrow morning, I can almost see the lights from here,” he added whilst digging around in his pack before pulling out a spotless pillow. “Hello, memory foam~ remember me?” He sighed giving the pillow a brief squeeze before placing in on the ground atop a blanket.

Lucy rolled her eyes and wiggled into an enclave-stamped sleeping bag. “You say that every night. I don't think the memory foam is going to forget you If that's even possible.”

“I just like saying it okay? It’s ironic.” It sounded like he needed it too, even big bucks got tired… especially of stuck-up pegasi heathens that won’t share their wing floof!

That did give me an idea though. Thus far I’d been sleeping on the bare grass and you know what? I’m starting to feel it! My spine isn't supposed to feel this bucked up till I’m 40… or until I score a big coltfriend. I reached into my saddlebags and pulled out the stuffed radroach “B-Rad~” I sighed holding the loveable button-eyed plush between my hooves. Brief flashes of all the times Brad appeared out of nowhere with his galavanting advice…I squeezed.

Squeeeeeak~

Oh, I needed that. The simple squeak of Brad’s effigy caressing my soul made it feel like he was still here. Like I was holding that glorious wonder-roach.

“Is that a stuffed animal dear?” Lucy noted peering up from her sleeping bag. “Arnt you a bit old for-”

“Ehh!” Moonstone cut her off, like a chastised pet. “I can still reach the stick. Don't even think about giving her shit for using a stuffed animal as a pillow.”

“But…” Lucy quickly glanced at the stick before squinting and going to bed in defeat. “Humph!”

Moonstone briefly smiled to me before fully laying on his side with pillow under one leg. “You go ahead and sleep.. I’ll keep watch for raiders.”

I refused to argue! Im sure the squeak of my face ramming into the stuffed radroach conveyed my thanks enough. To bask in its soft warmth after a long day of walking, waiting for the sweet release of- Zzz….

—-------------------------------

Alone in the void once more, though now I waded through the mist of the Fog-Bank. The clouds swirled about yet my glasses didn't… oh my glasses were missing again. Goddesses damn it, can’t my dreams keep that one part right?! You'd think wearing those transparent jar lids all the time would cement them in my dreams!

I groaned into the void and started trudging forth into the fog, my hooves sloshing. “Let me guess! Am I trudging my way through pony soup again? Or is this going to be one of those bed-wetting undead jump-scare type dreams?!” I yelled to the void trudging faster.

“Seriously! After the week I’ve had would it kill Brain or Luna to dig up some of the good old dreams? Like the one where I was getting tag-teamed by PJ and Bronze?! But Noooo! I get this spooky shit!” I waved a hoof at the mist. “Cmon! Get the manifestations of my mental scarring over with. I wanna wake up and eat canned tacos if I’m not gonna get some closure with B-Rads’s ghost or plowed by dream… Pickle…” I trailed off as silhouettes manifested in the mist around me. The shades of six ponies walking in sync around me. I step, they step. I spun, they spun. Great… doppelganger dreams now.

There were ‘subtle’ differences between all the outlines though. One round and one pointy. One with a long tail and another with a straightened mane. One darker, and the last with flames whisking off its body.

“Well… this is not what I expected.” I tried waving to the shades but they only waved back in mirrored unison. “Huh…”

Aaaand SNAP!! The floor gave out from under me and I plunged into the formerly ankle-deep water! I was surrounded by darkness and murky brown. Bones and bits of tattered flesh floating suspended around me. But worst of all was the countless rotting copies of me clamoring up to me. Logically I remembered… I can't swim.. and started sinking rapidly towards the Zom-Mes. I also, quite bravely, screamed like a filly.

My scream gurgled, bubbled, and rose up through my floating mane while many hooves grabbling at my hinds. Then, in an instant, I was dry. My totally brave screams less gurgly now. Upon opening my eyes I was back in that blank inky void…minus the fog and soup. “Th…th…” I gulped, panting for air. My legs shook, and my chest pounded. “That’s NOT FUNNY!! It’s not funny, and it’s creatively bankrupt!”I yelled to the black starless sky.

A gentle breeze within this twisting dream carries a mare's voice consoling me “I’m sorry about your friend dear. This sort of thing happens a lot these days.” With the breeze came small amounts of the mist rising from the floor, coalescing into the shape of a radroach. It too was soon blown away leaving behind the stuffed animal version of Brad… which I promptly picked up and squeezed.

Squeaaaaak~

It’s like I could feel him skitter over me and somehow it didn’t feel gross. “What are you sorry for? You’re not the reason Brad got splattered.”

There was a brief pause but her voice came again on another breeze. “Well… technicaly…” I swear I could hear some forehooves tapping together. “Technically I’m the one who woke you up, so you could kill Brick, and in turn incurred the wrath of his little brother…”

“Sure, but I would have died if you didn’t! Or worse! There's like minimum four steps of separation between you and Brad getting murdered.”

Another faster wind carried the mystery buck’s voice.. “Oh, I wouldn’t worry about him! Glorious bastards like that don’t stay dead long~ I’d know. I’m a professional bastard.” He giggled, and drops of whimsy rained down, plinking around me. The drops looked brown and… is this chocolate? wait-

“Brads ALIVE?!” I beamed.

“Ehhhh- close enough. You’ll figure it out eventually, protagonists have a tendency to do that sort of thing.” the disembodied buck answered.

“That's less comforting but… Who are you two anyways?”

“Oh! Can we tell her? The suspense has been killing me for several chapters now! The grand reveal, the pulling back of the first curtain, The first drop of meta in her information soup?”

The mare groaned sounding like she facehoofed. “No, not yet… She needs to figure it out on her own. Otherwise, she won’t appreciate the gravity of it.”

“Part of my imagination?” I guessed, pointing a hoof up at the voices.

A buzzer rang above. “Ehh! Wrongo my dear Sketcho! Try again later you little mad-mare you~!” the buck added as specks of confetti drifted down onto my mane.

“The night grows thin, she’s going to wake soon.” the surroundings were starting to lighten up from black to grey. “Oh and Sketchy?”

“Yeah?”

“Stay away from the Mint-als” The mare added starting to fade. “Rarity worked really hard on that ‘Just-Say-Neigh’ video for a reason.”

Wait what? “Saint Rarity made that lame-ass movie? I thought it was Princes Luna’s Idea… and What’s a Mint-al?-”

“It's not lame! It's educational! To save Equestria’s youth from chem abuse! ”

“Do ALL the Mint-als Sketchy!” the mystery buck barged in. “It’ll be fun! Trust me!...fun!….fun!…” He echoed away with the dream and-

—----------------------

I groaned even louder as the sick and twisted joke called the waking world reeled me back in from Luna’s blissful realm of escapism. “Wait a second… his echo was out of order!” I weakly felt around trying to feel where my glasses might have rolled off cause I didn't take them off. “Should have been… ‘me’ over and over again not… ughh!”

Everything past the bridge of my muzzle was a goddess-damned blur, but I did find my glasses. Upon application, I saw a very concerned-looking Moonstone and Lucy standing a few feet away from me. Battle-axe raised and SMGs aimed respectively. “Guys? What's goin’ on?”

Moonstone stepped a little close looking… above me? “Sketchy whatever you do… don’t move. There’s a radroach on your head, and if you startle it it might bite you.”

“I’m telling you I can shoot it rather than you risk lopping her head off.” Lucy added in a hushed strained tone.

“You’d swiss cheese everything but the radroach Lucy!”

“My name.. is.. Noctilucent!” she strained harder.

I don't know if it was the drowsiness but I slowly blinked unable to process what the two were so stressed out about. Now that I think about it, I did feel a weight atop my head and something pushing down on my mane. I slowly reached my forehooves up and picked the thing up by the sides bringing it down infront of me. It was indeed a rad-roach! “Oh hey buddy~” I smiled sleepily looking at the adorable lil guy in all his beady eyes brown bugness. It chittered and his six lil legs wiggled in the air. “No you can’t stay on my head, I gotta go places tomorrow… today~” I swayed, still a little half asleep before setting the roach aside. “Ere ya go buddy..” I hovered over a nearby can of…whatever and put it on the roaches back, gave him a pat, and watched him skitter off into the tall grass.

“Did she just give away my beans?...to a roach?” Lucy asked in astonishment.

I yawned stretching my legs. “Eeeyup.” I slowly blinked again. “Is it morning shift already?” my legs shook from stretching them all a little harder before I let them drop limp and properly sat up.

“No. It’s just morning.” Moonstone answered putting the scrap-axe down. “And I see you know your way around radroaches..”

“My beans!!” Lucy protested looking at Moonstone while pointing a wing at the grass.

“Somone had beans?” I asked looking around the camp for the beans.

Lucy was quick to charge over and get her hooves on my shoulder to start shaking me. “You took my beans!”

‘Ahh!” I flailed getting rapidly shaken to a higher level of consciousness… well a level higher than zero anyways. “Alright alright! Let go of meee! Why are you so mad about beans?!”

Moonstone looked upon the situation and sighed. “I’m.. We’re glad you’re safe Sketchy, but the can of beans was breakfast… and Lucy gets cranky when she-.”

“You think the roach is more deserving than me?! After I saved your life!? Do you!?” Lucy’s mare-shaking hooves weren't stopping any time soon.

“She gets cranky.” he grumped watching Lucy shake the life out of me like I wasn’t the first pony she’s ever done this to.

One prying of Lucy off the bean pilferer later Moonstone gave me enough time to pull out my other canned taco. “See? Easily replaceable and enough for all of us! Plus it has beans in it!” I offered, shaking the can a little. The dumb smile I wore with the offer may have been selling my eagerness to try the ‘food with friends’ idea again a bit too hard. “Eh? Ehhhh~?”

“How did you even get your hooves on one of those disgusting things?” Lucy asked far more interested in the can than my offer to share it.

“We have a ton of these down in the stable and- What do you mean disgusting?! These white wonder balls are amazing!” I pointed at the can with my free hoof.

“Yeah, Amazing at making your feathers fall out if you don’t choke to death on the texture of 200-year-old wet bread.”

Thats it! Now I’m personally insulted! I need to teach these surface heathens the wonders of the white ball of goodness! “These gifts-of-the-goddesses upon Equa-firma are the best food ever conceived! It covers all the food groups, never expires, tastes amazing, and each one is big enough to feed at least four ponies.” I squinted while the mini-princesses flew circles around the can, enshrining it in a halo of light from above. “Unless you’re me.. In which case I can eat seven of the things in one go.”

Moonstone backed away from the can a bit. “I umm..I appreciate the offer but I think I’ll politely decline this time.” her smiled warily.

I squinted back! “Hmmmmm…why?”

“Well its just uhh…” He scratched at the back of his mane with a hoof, breaking eye contact. “I’d…rather not have most of my mane fall out before I’m even 30.”

“Wh-wha?...”

“Or have my feathers fall out,” Lucy added with a brief flutter of said wings.

“Pshhh what? These things are perfectly healthy for you. I’ve never heard of a single thing about canned tacos causing hair loss or feather loss!” I tapped the can. “My stable has been eating these things since the war put our ass down there, and none of us got sick.” I huffed hovering out my can opener.

Lucy raised a brow “Have you ever actually read the ingredients list on the back of the can dearie?”

“Well… no… but I eat these things all the time and I’m perfectly fine! See?” I did a little prance in place for emphasis. “Nothing’s broken, nothing’s falling off, not even a bald spot where you two shot me in the ass.” I’m never letting that go! So long as I may live!

“Right, while you appear to be in perfect health now, which is really saying something for a surfacer. Those culinary abominations contain enough flux to kill a radroach… and they have the surface texture of goo.” The pega shivered recoiling from the can.

“That sounds like an exaggeration, can’t be…” I trailed off as a question welled up in the back of my mind. I briefly paused my rant to turn to Moonstone and ask “Hey Moonstone? What’s flux?”

“Oh uhh..” not expecting to be called on he’d been packing up camp. “I haven't researched the stuff but as far as I learned from my reading it's some kind of magic goop. Like uhh.. MSG or lead paint. I believe it was Flim-&-Flam Co that invented the stuff and used it in literally everything they made. It let them steamroll the pre-war consumer goods market, but nobody ever knew what it was. I think the Ministry of Arcane Science had suspicions it was mutagenic?... I haven't read The Lightbringer’s book in a few months. Or Security’s…or that other guy’s book…” he sighed. “Celestia’s solar flank I miss the academy’s library…”

I looked at the label on the can “Huh… ‘Flim and Flam Co’s patent-pending canned tacos… authentic Mecxicolt cuisine for the whole family. Coming soon T.M.’” Feels weird having never read more than just the name after years of eating the things. Then again the chefs always tossed the cans down the recycle chute once empty. The ingredients list was on the back “Beans, salt, wheat flour, lettuce, ever-cheese, liquid smoke, ‘herbs’, ‘spices’, waterT.M, aaand…” I scanned down the list. “Flux ™”

“See? Flux.” Lucy sat turning her head up at the can of gooy goodness. “Sure a little won't kill you, but as I said before, canned tacos are loaded with it.”

“But I’m fiiiiine~”

“Oh, so the need for those telescope lenses you call glasses runs in the family then?” Lucy asked leaning in a little now as I held the can to my chest, tired of floating it.

“No… but my eyes have always been this broken.” I pointed at them. “If the flux were actually an issue I’d have all kinds of other problems by now.” I huffed. “So if you won't eat it I will~”

Moonstone with packs upon his back came over. “Let's just get food In Bubble-Town okay? Should only take an hour or two to get there.” I looked away from Lucy and the entire camp was packed up already. Stuffed Brad was even back in my saddle bag!

“But the food there is so greaseeeyyy” Lucy whined, whipping out the big n' wobbly whining eyes.

Moonstone rolled his own eyes “I’ll give you 50 caps to go shopping.”

Lucy squealed and trotted right past us. “Let’s go already! Let’sgo!letsgo!let’sgooo!!! Don’t keep a lady waiting! Or her barding filthy! MOVE!!” Oh now she’s eager….I wonder why?

I grumbled putting the can back in my saddle bag. “Insult my bucking canned taco.. See if I try sharing it again…grumble grumble…”

"Are you literally saying grumble?"

"N-No!"

Making our way down the highway the distant sounds of civilization grew, to tangled hums of uncountable conversations and moving crowds grew. Off in the grass, a strange plant stuck out and drew me from the path with the instinctual desire to touch it.

“The fuck is this thing!?” I yelled to the team from off the edge of the road. Pointing at this… this affront to the natural order! Two tiny lab-coat-clad princesses circled around the lone spindly half-dead-looking plant. Hanging from its stems were these hoof-sized dull-red lumpy… Lumps! I couldn’t tell if they were fruit or not!

Moonstone came back, looked at it, and looked at me. “That’s a tato Sketchy… ya know… the emo bastard child of tomatoes and potatoes? Did your stable not have them?”

Ah yes, blasphemy with roots! “Wha?! How-? Why?! Tomatoes don’t- Potatoes can’t just-... It’s so… WRONG!!” I stammered watching the most important thing I remembered from surface class crumble before my eyes! My ‘A-’ report losing all its scientific value! Why cruel world?! WHY?!

“Oh calm down, it’s just a crop. Ponies grow these things everywhere, try one.” he suggested plucking the VILE abomination of a lump from the stem and handing it to me.

I hovered it in the air, inspecting the forbidden hybrid before my eyes. The tiny princesses watched on in horror as I took a suspiciously crunchy bite out of the tato revealing its equally dull-red innards. Crunch… crunch… crunch…

“Well?”

I swallowed. “It tastes like a stepped-on ketchup packet..” I took another bite, contemplating the fruit thing like fine bathtub wine. “And something else, but I can't put my hoof on it.” I kept eating.

“Depression?”

“That’s it!” I nodded… and kept eating. “I mean, it isn't great…” I picked and bit into another tato. “But it's not completely awful either…”

“It's a lot healthier than ketchup packets and depression too~” he added nudging me along. Lucy had already pranced far ahead us towards the walls of the town ahead.

I believe this is what Miss Appleboom called a ‘strip mall’, but its ‘parking lot’ was walled off by a shifty amalgam of sheet metal, tires, and husked-out wagons. Two gates stood at the far ends of the rectangular complex letting out onto Route 10. The main building consisted of a string of seven randomly sized buildings mushed side-to-side and three of them looked like they were smashed with a comically large hammer. From this hill, I could see over the walls and note every little space within was packed with market stalls, junk piles, and ponies. The most ponies I’d seen since leaving 83, and in the middle of it all towered a neon sign. A peeling picture of a cream-colored earth mare leaning on the neon-blue words ‘Bubble Town! Laundry and Dry Cleaning. Most of the letters had died, but the ‘Bubble Town’ portion was deliberately maintained above the rest. Neon blue bubbles flicker in and out above the words animating their movement.

At each of the gates stood what I guessed passed for security around here. Ponies wearing tattered business suits and weird hats I think are called fedoras. Each unicorn and earther was armed with battle saddles and bandoliers filled with more ‘proper’ guns than the ponies going in and out the gates. Dapper…yet deadly!

Fighting my sudden urge to stand there and get lost in a dream bubble of myself dressed like that, I steeled myself for the most dangerous encounter of all. Social interaction! I mean it’s not like everpony is going to be staring at me or anything. Looks like everypony down there is only here for the laundromat or to sell… garbage? At least it looks like garbage.

“Alright Sketchy, being as you’ve never been in a town before let me give you the basics before you get robbed or kidnapped.” Moonstone started, gesturing for me to follow.

“Well that’s encouraging…” It wasn’t.. But I followed anyway.

“Motivational I know~” he chuckled. “But that’s the wasteland norm. It's a real pony-eat-pony world out here.. minus a few hooffulls of good ones.”

“Yourself included?” I tilted my head following behind. He has been the most helpful pony thus far.

“Daww, well now you’re going to make the tour guide blush. Guess I’ll have to keep you extra safe.” goddesses his smile sparkled. “Now it might seem overwhelming at first but think of it like this, I already did this whole song and dance with Lucy and look how she turned out.”

“Don’t you literally complain that she pisses everypony off she can without even trying?” I squinted at the back of his head while further up the road Lucy pranced right in through the front gate. The guards initially leered at the passing purple rear but upon seeing the approaching Moonstone, rolled their eyes and went back to standing guard…menacingly.

“Well err… yes, I do… and she does. But I’d like to consider it a success that she hasn't been shanked in an alley or sold as a slave to some raiders.” He passed the gate guards with a glare, they huffed, but nothing else happened as I kept close behind.

“Waaaait… slavery’s back?!” the place felt a lot more crowded in person. Numerous ponies shuffled around, clad in tattered cloths if any, and hawking various wares. Only a few of the makeshift market stalls had any ‘theme’ going on with their offerings. Bottled water, something called Aqua-Cura, food stands, clothes, and the rest just seemed to be selling assorted junk.

“Sure is. Has been for a while as far as I can tell. Ponies preying on ponies, ponies selling ponies, and ponies buying ponies to do jobs nopony else wants to do.”

“That sounds awful! Why would anypony allow that to happen?!”

“Well they try not to.” he answered looking back to me on occasion as we navigated the crowds. “Nopony- well I say nopony.. ‘Very few’ ponies actually want to be slaves. The rest of us would rather flee for our lives or go down guns blazing than become merchandise. In short, Slavers are basically raiders sane enough to participate in the wasteland economy and will ‘try’ not to kill you. In shorter, avoid them.”

“Yeah, that's a bit self-explanatory. Where are we going again? Aren't we gonna wash my suit?”

“We're headed to the front desk, which brings me to my next point. Who runs this place?” he asked approaching the front of the laundromat itself, the largest of the strip mall’s bundle of buildings. All the front windows probably got blown out by the bombs, but in the meantime, sompony welded metal grids over the holes. “Notice all the ponies wearing suits?”

“Hard not to, they’re the cleanest ponies here.” I answered. Several of those suited ponies patrolled the market too, and just like the gates, the front door of the laundromat had a pair too. A cigar-puffing turquoise earth buck and a yellow unicorn fiddling with the drum magazine of her gun nodded us in.

“Good, But did you notice the street signs scattered around?” Now that he mentions it, I looked around and saw said street signs, some on poles ripped out of the pavement, others strung together with wires. All of them had their original names painted over with the bold white ‘Club Street’ and kept in places everypony could see..

“I’m going to guess, and I might be making some wild mind-shattering assumptions here… the group running the place called Club-Street?”

“Bingo!... Your stable still plays bingo right?”

“Yes..” I should tell him no just to mess with him.

“Club Street is just one of many factions that vie for territory here on the surface. Bubble town is just their easternmost bra-”

“Neeext!” A rougher crony voice interrupted from the desk up ahead. The laundromat’s interior was lined with rusty half-scrapped versions of the washers and dryers we had back in the stable. The fake floor tiles were peeling up, most of the ceiling panels were gone, and whatever free space remained was filled with trash bags of clothes. At the front of what used to be a sitting area was a middle-aged dull yellow uni-mare with a frayed pink mane taking a drag from her crumpled cigarette. I didn’t think it was possible but she had a literal ashtray for a cutiemark. “Oh~ back already? Step in a mud puddle or somethin’ sugar?” Mmm yes.. Graveley and feminine, I’ll have three packs a day and a divorce please!

Moonstone strode right up to her still rocking that calm smile. His tone changed to something oddly coy and.. flirty? “Good to be back Darrla, no I’m just here for the usual. More importantly~ I see somepony has a date tonight~” he smirked leaning in, cooly resting an elbow on the counter and resting his cheek in a hoof. “Is that pink-131 I see on those hooves? You little slut, Tell me everything! Hung’er than a hat rack or just loaded?”

Celestia’s titanic tits, what am I witnessing right now?! Who is this flirtatious stallion and where is the kind and helpful Moonstone?!

“Oh, it’s ‘bout fucking time somepony noticed. Tonight’s cheesecake runs one of them aqua-cura caravans. Nervous type, might not live in the hills with the aristocrats but says he’s got a ranch near R-7.” The mare rolled her eyes and coughed before spitting a glob ‘gracefully’ into an impressively distant spittoon. “The effort I put in for these guys and they don’t even notice I did my hooves, yeesh~”

Moonstone was astonishingly unphased! “Tell me about it, especially when they don't put half the effort in you do, just awful.”

“He better, or my hoof Is going so far up his ass it’ll turn this hoof polish into lipstick.” she took another drag and puffed a small circle in my general direction. “Speakin’ ah noticing things. Ya’ pick up another stray pretty boy? Finally had enough of the purple turkey bitch?”

“Hi!” I waved weakly from behind Moonstone, smiling my patent pending winning smile. I’m not sweating nervously, you’re sweating nervously! I’m being talked about! Scream internally!!

Moonstone scratched the back of his mane wincing. “Yeaaaahh well.. You know me. She was all alone, in danger, and helpless.” Is it just me or did the empathy crank up to eleven? “I couldn’t just leave her like that. Plus she's a stable pony, How could I not show her how the surface works?”

“Honey, yer bleedin’ heart is gonna get you killed picking up all these charity cases.” Good goddesses… a modicum of concern in her voice! And… and was that the long-forgotten crack of a doting smile?! Somepony dig up a printing press, Equestria needs to know!! “Should start charging em’ for the tour, Or at least get some flank out of it sugar.” Nevermind…

“Hey!” I protested! Not that I’d umm.. be opposed if he err…offered. Or anypony did…But my dignity was being indirectly attacked and I’m not that pathetic yet! “He’s…better than that!” Flawless execution brain!

“Don’t act like you ain’t been starin’ at his ass girly. Everypony gawks at that work of Academy art.” Darrla snarled dismissively before pulling a complete 180 and putting on a small smile for Moonstone. She slid him a little piece of paper and pressed a nearby button. “You’re number 17 in line on the frequent customer's list dear, should get called in about an hour.”

Moonstone took it “Thanks Darrla~ Hope you knock him dead tonight, heh.. Figuratively.” he chuckled coyly backing away and nudging me along. “Let's go Sketchy, plenty of time for me to show you the rest of the town.”

“Better listen to em’ stable-filly. It’s for yer own good.” Darrla flicked away the spent cig and pulled out another, drawing her attention back to the hoof-polish and pre-war magazines on her desk.

Back outside amongst the many patrons of this fine town, Moonstone was already walking towards the next thing on our to-do list. Sell the oversized pipe rifle!

“Well, she was…uhh..” I looked at the broken pavement trying to think of something nice to say.

“A polite and well-meaning woman that hasn't let thirty years of retail work wear down her dating life or competitive smoking career?” Moonstone filled in.

“Yeah, that!” I pointed. How does he put positive spins on these things?!

“Lesson number two-”

“I think we're on three?”

“Lesson three!” He continued without breaking stride or confidence as we strolled the market. “Showing interest in the small details of anypony you’re dealing with, plus a dash of empathy, goes a long way toward positive outcomes.”

“Hey, Dad taught me that one!” I perked following along. “Big book of social manipulation chapter seven! Pretend to give a shit about what other ponies have going on and they become more receptive to what you want.”

Moonstone looked back over his shoulder. “Err.. no offense Sketchy.. But your daddy sounds like a psychopath.”

“Pshhhh pleaaaase~” I flipped my mane getting the bangs out of my eyes. “My Dad’s not a psychopath, he’s a pastor!”

Moonstone turned back forward. “Oh, well that explains everything then.” He hummed softly and kept walking just a bit faster.

I paused. “Explains what? Moonstone! Hey! What does it explain?!” I jogged trying to keep up with him. “Don’t you pull a ‘leave her guessing’ on me! That’s chapter 9!”

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The longer we stayed the more Bubble Town reminded me of 83. A crap-ton of ponies milling about doing their various tasks, chores, or whatever the hell that one unicorn was doing with that rubber chicken. The only real differences were the general ambiance.. and the smell… and the sky. Okay, it was pretty different than the atrium but hey! Mystery meat on a stick!

I sat there between two stalls out of the traffic, looking at the steaming ‘ka-boob’ Moonstone bought me to try while he was shopping. At least I assume it's called a ‘Ka-boob’ given that's what the sign above the rusty grill said. “If he thinks he can distract me with food like a five-year-old he’s got another thing-” I stared at the mystery meat on a stick. I’ve never had meat before.. It looks weird. Impaled on the stick was an assortment of various brown chunks, white clumps, and red-ish bits. It dripped with the only thing I could recognize ‘grease’. At least it smells good. And everypony else was eating ka-boobs, aaand Moonstone did say it was safe to eat…ish. Said not to ask where it came from, but could guarantee it wasn’t pony. Nice! I’m not that kind of mare-eater after all! I’m the desperate fun kind~

I mean seriously It's one rifle, did he really have to bribe me with food to stay put while he sold ONE thing? I’m not five! It’s not like I’m gonna wander off or stick random things in my mouth. “Mmmmfff… dish ush goohd..” I mumbled duly as the new chewy flavors dissolved into my mouth, victim to my oral fixation. Luna bucking damn it, the meat found its way into my mouth while I was thinking. Innuendos aside… “Ish weally goohd…shoowe~” Stop proving him right brain!

The tiny princesses and I sat on the pavement, each eating identical ka-boobs just like any other spaced-out mare would. Maybe this whole surface thing wasn't so bad. This meat stuff was certainly making the trip worth it. So chewy, so…

My ears twitched! Somepony yelled at the eastern gate, but I couldn't make out the words. With the rag-bound locals shuffling away from the source I peered through the thinning crowd. By said gate four of the suited ponies squared off with two in armored brown trench coats, red-visored gas-mask/helmet combos, and some meaner looking battle-saddles than the local gangers. Who on Equis are those guys?

Didn’t Moonstone say something about looking for symbols or something to see who belongs to what groups out here? If I squint, adjust my glasses, lean in a little…and take another bite, I can guess their gang’s theme is brown trenchcoats, and what looks like a two-headed Ursa-major?

Thank the goddesses eavesdropping is super useful for explaining world lore to me! I can’t hear the conversation by the gate, but the market ponies passing by were much easier.

“Seriously, again?” said one vagabond.

“Can’t the NCR just leave us alone?” from a mare pushing a rusty shopping cart.

“They seriously need to learn we ain’t leaving and Applewood ain't bowin'.” Griped a pink guard to his buddy.

“Goddess damned turf-creepin’ never ends. Boss ul’ here ‘ah this.” growled another.

I slowly hovered out a juice box Moonstone also bought me and got to passively sipping while I drew my book out too. Might as well be writing this stuff down right? So some gang called the NCR is having territory issues with Club-Street. I did my best to include a doodle of what the two sides looked. I’d refine them later, but for now, they’d remain glorious stick figures in trench coats and suits.

At some point, I’d subconsciously gone to take another bite of the Ka-boob and was met with a mildly burnt stick. “But…but!” I gazed upon the now meatless stick in abject disappointment. “Luna’s horn in my ass, why do all the good things in life happen while I’m distracted?!” I huffed and yeeted the stick over the town walls behind me. “Nyehh!”

“My eye!!” Yelled somepony from the outside the town wall. I winced and slowly turned away from the wall whistling innocently.

“Hey… hey kid?”

“Huh?” I looked up from the book closing it. Before me was a grey earth-buck in a tattered brown longcoat. Darker than me but a bit taller and with bags under his eyes.

“Yeah, you kid. The one whistling all suspicious-like.” He glanced around for a second before looking back to me and nudging one of the coat flaps open revealing an array of pockets and holsters lined with syringes, inhalers, bottles, and…spoons. “Ya like chems?” Goddesses he even sounds like a chem dealer!

I blinked in disbelief while I slid my time back into its bag. “Are you bucking serious right now?”

“What do ya think kid? Course I am! Now I know what you're thinkin’. ‘This guy looks like a raging stereotype.’ Right?”

“Bet your ass you look like a raging stereotype!” I squinted and the tiny princesses off in the corner of my vision nodded in agreement.

“Well, ya see that's just it. That’s my whole schtick. Your run-of-the-mill chem dealer hangs out in dark alleys preying on innocent mares like you for a quick cap. That's where I’m different you see~”

“Uhh huh…” I still squinted harder upon this chem-slinging stallion.

“Unlike the other guys, you can trust me. Because I’m willing to be blatantly honest about what I do and how I do it. I skip the whole suspicion stage where you think I’m trying to jip you.”

“Okay, makes sense. Something something Applejack… Something, Honesty is the best policy and all that.” I had to give him that… Applejack would approve?...maybe?

“Exactly~” He made this sleazy leer of a smile. “Now then, A pretty little mare like yourself must be bored to death in a place like this. What's your poison?” Ahh hell, he called me pretty. “I got dash, stampede, rage, spiked healing potions, med-x..” He listed off pointing a hoof at various places in his open trenchcoat. “Oh- and my buddy over in Applewood got me a crapton of these grape-flavored Mint-als. Kids love ‘em, and you look like the kind of mare with a sweet tooth eh?” That sleaze smile grew like he was waving a lollypop infront of a foal.

That little snippet at the end hit me. “Wai- wai- wait! Kids?! You sell Chems to kids?!”

He pulled back a bit probably realizing he struck a bad note on his sales pitch. “I mean.. Well sure. I am an equal opportunity vendor and all that. If they ask, I sell, simple as that. It's not like I’m some sort of trenchcoat-wearing creep sneaking up on foals in a rusted-out playground.” Says the trenchcoat-wearing creep…

I gestured firmly at the buck's general visage, shaking both my forehooves. A firm “Hmmmm!!” in my throat to get my point across.

He looked down at himself for a moment. “Okay fair, But I'm a respectable trenchcoat-wearing chem dealer! I’m raising property values ‘round here.” he loosely waved to the ruined strip-mall of a town. So can I get you anything or nah?”

A few thoughts bounced around inside my ‘ka-boob’-deprived skull. Thought number one was that this raging stereotype in front of me was selling chems to any foal that walked up?! The second thought was the ever-distant echos of the ‘Just-Say-Neigh’ movie everypony in class was forced to watch. Swear I’d never been more driven to slam reactor coolant and chug maint-shine than after that movie. And the third thought….”

It crept forth from the deep, dark, and rent-free corners of my erudite unicorn mind, that whimsical buck from my dreams. “Do all the drugs Sketchy! It’ll be fun…. Fun…. fun…FUN! You’re only hot and young once! Unless you have genie.. or plot armor.. fun.. fun.. Ehehehehe!”

Hey wait a second, I don't remember that last part of the echo being in my dream. Tiny Luna glared up at me, but I shook my head to focus on what mattered most. This guy sells chems to kids! Plus I’m broke so I couldn’t even buy drugs if I wanted to…which I don’t! I squinted back at the tiny Luna. She squinted harder back before poofing into a little black cloud.

Now that she’s gone… I had an idea. Just-Say-Neigh did make a few good points about dealers… “Well nail me on a Roaman cross and call me a degenerate! Do I really look like such an easy score?”

“I err…” He backpedaled.

“Cause I totally am!” I beamed “But I’m not a total sucker though. No dealer that claims to have that big of a selection actually keeps it all on him. In fact, Id put a copious amount of caps down that most of what you got in your pockets is fake as shit. You got a handler somewhere nearby with your actual supply, they can probably see us talking right now correct?”

“Well..” he coughed into a hoof quickly comprising himself. “Display items are just that, the display items, not that I was uhh… gonna sell you those.” captain shifty eyes here repeatedly glanced away towards the more collapsed parts of the strip mall. Bingo~ Thank you crappy pre-war education films.

“Oooobviously~” I lightly waved a hoof, pshaw! “Your upfront business model would go against that! Why don’t you bring her on out to talk? I wanna see how many of those mint-als you got. I’m on the road a lot these days so I like to buy in bulk when I can.”

I could see it, he was thinking as fast as his slick dealer mind could go trying to process this abnormality. Was I conning him? Was I really that big of a score just sitting on the curb? Was I a high-functioning mint-al addict who needed her fix in bulk? He didn’t know. “That isn't how this normally works…”

“Oh, I perfectly understand. If everypony saw who your holder was they’d get mugged for the stash. Why don’t we go over there behind the strip mall?” I pointed a hoof where he'd been glancing repeatedly. “That way only I’d see them and since I’ll be leaving town soon your secret will be safe with me~” I smiled, I not only smiled but I tried to work that soft Moonstone smile. It made my face hurt a little but it seemed to be working.

He glanced again. “Well, I think we can do that. You look harmless enough. I mean what kind of dealer would I be if I wasn't accommodating to my customer's needs?”

“Exaaaactly~” I stood from the curb. I looked left and tiny Luna was on my shoulder in a little devil costume. She had a devious smirk that curled with mischief at the ends. On my other shoulder was her sister…Also in a devil costume making tiny silent evil giggles leering at the stallion. “C'mon let's go say hi~” I walked past the buck before the same curling smirk of devilry grew on my face too. Sell to kids will he? We’ll see about that~

Nopony stopped or followed us behind the Bubble-Town strip mall through one of the long collapsed stores and out the barely standing backdoor. Nopony else was even back here aside from a few smoldering burn barrels and a unicorn I saw going into a sheet-metal outhouse with a crescent on the door. Now that I think about it, feels weird the crescent moon is used as the symbol for outhouses and one of the goddesses? There has to be a story behind why that- Ahh! Getting distracted! Focus brain!

Once back there the dealer called out to the more collapsed half of the stip-mall rubble “Oi Pilly pop~ Come on out, we got a bulk order and she wants to see we actually have it.”

I looked and we were soon joined by a grumpy-looking yellow mare in leathers like the stone brothers had… that being patched together and vaguely armor-shaped. She had a sack with her that clanked and jangled as she walked with it slung over her shoulder with a forehoof. “How many times do I have to tell you that’s a dumb cover name.” she groaned glaring at him and then at me. “This that mare you spotted between the stalls staring off into space?”

“H-Hi” I waved weakly and smiled nervously.

“Yeah, Candy that’s her.” He answered. So her name is Candy…Candy-Pop? Certainly matched her cutiemark of exploding rainbow-colored mints. “She wants to buy all our grape mint-als before leaving town. But our discerning little buyer here is smarter than the average cookie and wants to see the merchandise before she hands over her caps~” he smiled giving me head-pats as he dolled out the compliments. Little did he know I could see his hoof bleeding from patting me right on the imaginary horns my plan awarded me.

Candy-pop looked me up and down. “Discerning customer huh? Well, she does look harmless… and suspiciously clean too. She a merchant brat? or did you even check if she had the caps for this kind of purchase?” she raised a brow to the dealer and set the sack down.

Crap! They have the goods but I’m broker than Tulip-Patch’s back on prom night! How do I get out of proving I can actually afford it? Wait…she said merchant’s daughter, right? Aha! I jumped in before the dealer could answer. “Oh I can totally afford it, daddy runs one of those aqua cura caravan thingies and he gives me an allowance to keep me busy while we’re in town.” I smiled letting the horseapples fly.

Candy looked skeptical but here came the dealer to save the day. “Ohh! Your dad is the one who runs the caravan that just came from Applewood?”

“Sure is.” I beamed letting my tail swish a little as I cranked up the daughter-like cuteness I was simply born to manifest! “He’s got a date with Darrla tonight so… ya know. I wanna hit the mint-als as hard as I can tonight. Figure I’ll forget the mental image of those two going at it alongside the cure to world hunger when I come down. If not…well at least I got buzzed out of my mind.” Holy horse apples even I believe me! Just the mental image of that woman under any kind of buck just…. I shiver.

“Alright alright, I’ll never be able to unsee that now.” The dealer facehooved trying to shake away the same mental image that tormented me. Yes…suffer! That's what you get for dealing chems to kids! “Just show her the stuff so we can get our caps and buy some goddess-damned brain bleach.”

“Ughh fine.” Cindy huffed and opened the bag. Within was a plethora of bottles, tins, syringes, and more. She pulled out one of the faded tins and tossed it over to me. “We’ve got about eighteen tins of the grape mint-als and a few of the normal ones.”

I caught the tin in my TK and looked the thing over. A smiling cartoonish Zebra on the lid and clusters of grapes under the name ‘Mint-Als Grape!’. The rest of the tin was also a light purple instead of yellow like the normal ones I saw in the 83 doctor's office. “Cool,” I commented shaking the tin a little to hear it rattle. I popped the lid to see a couple dozen purple candy-looking pills.

“Okay, you've seen the goods, now the caps. Were very busy ponies.” Candy glared expectantly.

Holy bucking horseapples I didn’t expect this to work this far! Eheheheeh! “Yeah sure, I just gotta get the sack out of my bag.” I smiled and used my TK to open one of my saddle bags while I looked down at my pipbuck fiddling with the nobs like I was sorting through it. “Now what tab was it under…” In reality, I was griping my magic flintlock and cranking it to about full. “Ah, there it is!” aaaaaand… I pulled out muh’ gun!! Sparking, glowing red, and ready to blow a hole in somepony… or more likely whatever’s behind them. “Leave the bag and get your selling to kids havin’ ass out of here!”

“Yo! What the fuck Crag!” Candy yelled at the dealer while pointing a hoof at me. I guess his name is Crag or something. “This is why we don't do in-person shit!”

Crag backstepped mainly focused on the pistol pointed right at him. “You lieing little bitch! This is not how this was supposed to go down!”

“Uh-huh, yeah, well nothing really goes according to plan when you get kids involved you sick freak! I mean for the love of the goddesses at least let them grow up first! Must be 18 ‘n over to walk on sunshine! Something!” I retorted shaking the gun at him a little.

Candy only rolled her eyes and pulled out a gun the same size as mine, but made of pipes and scrap wood. “Are we seriously going to do this? Really? You’re alone and we have you outnumbered two to one. You must really need those mint-als to not notice that.”

“Oh, I know. But if I'm crazy enough to still try it goes without saying I’m clearly nuts enough to make sure at least one of you dies!” I growled back. I needed to play this just right. I wasn't going to kill them…I was going to ruin them. “So which one of you is it gonna be huh? Who am I turning to four legs rolling in the wind? Cause it’ll be neither if you just leave the bag.”

“We’re not giving you our whole supply dumbass. How bout you drop that cracked-out pistol and your bags and we don't kill you instead?” Candy counter offered around the trigger-bit in her teeth. Weird… she can talk a whole lot clearer than Moonstone can. Focus brain!

And now.. the coup-de-grace. “Here’s an even better offer. How bout you give me back what’s mine?”

Crag barely got out a confused “Wait wha-?” before I turned the flintlock in the air and fired.

PWOOOOOM!!

The thunderous beam cracked into the sky briefly bathing the area in red light before vanishing.

“Is your aim just that bad or are you really that stupid?” Candy asked stepping a bit closer with the pipe pistol ready.

“No, I’m not stupid.” It was all coming together. I dropped the flintlock and took a second to ruffle my mane. Maintaining that smirk I rose and hoof and hesitated. I’d be able to buy a healing potion after this so with that promise to myself in mind…I bucked myself clean across the muzzle as hard as I could. My glasses skewed but I could still see the absolute confusion on their faces.

“Okay seriously, what the fuck.. Now she's beating herself up. That's our job!” Candy even looked a bit confused now.

“Maybe she is nuts Candy… you know how mint-al addicts can get.” Crag suggested.

“Nah, I’m just being mugged~” I finally let that curling smirk out of its cage to see the light of day. I plopped down and hovered off my glasses giving the right lens a teeny-tiny tap on the pavement to make a spiderweb crack. Once back on my face, I could see the mounting horror on the two’s faces in realization. Three….two… one…

From around the sides of the strip mall and back doors of the still-standing sections came ponies in suits… with guns. Cause what pony couldn’t hear that shot? All of Dad’s lessons about social interaction were finally coming to a head. Chapter Eight: How to morally play the victim card.

Then I heard it. “No fighting in the market!” roared one of the galloping stallions, guns at the ready. My cue!

I pointed a shakey hoof at the dealers with sack. “They’re mugging meeehehehhee!” I cried out as we were rapidly surrounded. “They’re trying to steal the chems I brought from my stable to sehehehell! They said they kept their caps back here and pulled a gun on meehehehe!!”

I had everything going for me here. I was outnumbered, I was smaller, meek-looking, my mane messed, and my muzzle hurt like they’d hit me. The perfect storm to play the victim card.

Despite their desperate looking for one the two dealers found all three potential escape routes cut off as the guards closed in.

“This is horseshit! She was buying from us!” Protested Candy.

“Yeah!” Chimed Crag. “We're just trying to run a business here!”

I was really going to have to sell this to the guards. At this point, it was the word of these kiddie druggers versus mine. Looking like the victim here puts the hoofball in my court but the guards don't know enough yet to make a hasty conclusion in my favor. I need to tip the scales somehow… that’s it! If it’s enough to piss me off it might be enough to piss the gangers off too!

“A-After they took my chems they said ‘This is a-alot of grape mint-als. Kids love these things, we should sell em’ to the local b-brats.” Go lip quiver go! You too wobbly eyes!

“They were gonna what?!” Yelled one guard.

“You were going to sling chems to my daughters?!” growled a suited mare.

Candy’s eyes went wide. “What?! No!” backing away from the guards till her rear bumped into another set of suited pones coming out of the rubble path we came through.

“Well technically if they ask…” Started Crag.

“Shut the fuck up Crag!” Candy-pop hissed between gritted teeth like he just sold them out on accident… which he did.

That was the nail in the coffin. They were immediately jumped by the guards while I was left in the background untouched. Wiping my nose and holding my muzzle where I hit it… fuck you past me!… I got up and went over to the bag of chems. Who knew a sack of drugs could be so heavy? My legs wobbled as I struggled to lift them all. Score!

The two dealers were dragged off after being subject to a stomp storm from the local ‘law’ enforcement. Two of the guards hung around, One lit up a cigar and the other approached me. “I take it your merchandise is accounted for?”

“Y-yeah..” I answered meekly as I struggled to reach a hoof for the leftover tin of mint-als on the ground.

He placed a hoof on it before I could and slowly slid it toward himself. “Well that’s good, very good.” he nodded casually picking up the tin with his teeth and stashing it in his suit pocket. “Club Street is always happy to offer its protection to the local merchants.”

“S-Sure…” I wasn't going to argue with him taking one…this sack is heavy and I know what a protection racket sounds like. There was way too much emphasis on that ‘protection’ bit for it not to be one. The tiny princesses stood atop the sack on my back, both now in matching mobster outfits giggling silently. “You erm…wouldn’t happen to know somepony I could sell all these to.” I peered past him to the dealers getting dragged away. “Without getting accosted?”

He raised a hoof out and with a small smirk made a small ‘gimmie’ gesture expectantly. With a little effort, I TKd out another tin from the sack which he promptly pocketed. I'd be upset about getting extorted if I wasn’t literally paying out of somepony else’s pockets. “Club Street is also happy to take any and all chems, liquor, smokes, and other such substances one is willing to part with. Just take them all to Darrla and she’ll give you the standard exchange rate we give our suppliers.”

“Sounds.. great!” I heaved starting to take some very strained steps forward on wobbly legs. I just needed to make it back out front and around the corner to the laundromat. “Thanks for…saving me and…all!” I panted taking one step at a time.

—---------------------------------

I ended up selling most of it for the lump sum of caps. Darrla just looked at me and I smiled sheepishly in turn as she slid the pile of caps across the desk.

“Sweetie, I’m not gonna question how you got all this, but I’d bet my good lung there’s no way it was legitly.” she puffed a circle of acrid smoke which I struggled not to cough on too hard. “Good job~” she smiled and tapped some ashes off the cig. “Should go fetch pretty boy, your number’s gettin’ called any minute now. And next time, do keep my dating life out of your bullshit. I wouldn’t want to worry about your health dear.” Said a mare taking a long enough drag to kill the rest of the cig before breaking into a coughing fit. Somehow the cough also sounded like giggling… in her own tar-lungy way. Like a proud grandma who’s been smoking for 80+ years! All sticky, heartwarming, and gross.

I walked in with a sack of chems, and I walked out with a smaller bag of caps and a death threat! Progress! I’d have to count it all later when I had-. I facehoofed… I have a goddess-damned pipbuck. I TK’d the sack into my saddle bag and looked down at my pipbuck. “Well six hundred is certainly more than the number of meal tickets I’ve ever owned…” I mumbled to myself getting the feeling the exchange rate must be ass around here if Club-Street will buy it all but ponies are still selling elsewhere.

“I can’t leave you alone can I?” came a familiar voice from next to me. Oh hey, It’s Moonstone! What do ya know, the fetch quest did itself! “Five…maybe ten minutes to sell that rifle and I come back to find you’re not only missing but coming out of the laundromat with a sack full of caps looking beat up. What happened?!” Aww, he sounds concerned about me. Nopony but Dad, Miss Appleboom, and PJ have ever done that before… which is super sad now that I think about it.

“Oh, uhh,, erm… “ I scratched my mane. “I’m fine! Tooootaly fine, finest mare on the surface… yes sirree, perfectly…fine.” I grinned sheepishly to magnify my innocence. The big stallion just stared down at me like he caught me in his cookie jar. The longer he looked at me the more I squirmed. The more I saw those eyes the more it RENDED MY SOUL!! AHH!!!

‘Sketch-”

“Okay, I mugged some drug dealers! I admit it!” I blurted throwing my hooves up in the air in guilt. “While you were gone a stereotype on legs came up and offered me drugs! I’d already run out of food and juice to distract me so we started talking, and he had this whole honesty thing going on, and we backed and forthed for a while.” I took a deep inhale as my body demanded air to keep spilling my guts. “This guy mentions he was selling chems to kids, so I lured him into a back alley where his stash keeper was, told them I was a merchant daughter or whatever, they bought it, I pulled my gun on them, they laughed, so I beat myself up and told the guards they did it and that they were robbing me and-” INHALE!! “I took their entire stash and sold it to Club-street at what I can only assume was a terrible exchange rate, but I got six hundred caps, don't hurt mee!” I flopped on the pavement, hooves on my head in defeat having only been able to keep the truth of my actions down for a few minutes at best.

Moonstone, loomed above me… least I think he was looming given how much taller he was. Maybe it’s just my perspective? He blinked. “You did what now?...”

As if on Cue! Lucy comes trotting over with several bags on her back and a new set of saddlebags on her flanks. “You won't believe what new stuff merchants acquired in the week we were gone from-...Moonstone? Why is our dear little stable pony groveling in the dirt? You can’t blame me this time.”

I went to inhale and begin the whole explanation again only to catch a big white hoof over my mouth cramming all the guilt back down my throat. “Ah ah ah~ Enough of that now. The rest of Equestria needs air too.”

I whined behind his hoof, ears flat on my head.

He made a little cough. “Sketchy here was feeling guilty about being such a busy bee while nopony was looking. And some nefarious ponies may have gotten hurt in the process of her acquiring her latest windfall.”

“To put it lightly.. How busy of a bee was she?” Lucy looked down at me too with a curiosity in her eyes, and a fraction of the concern Moonstone had in his own.

My eyes on the other hand were doing the full wobble on the verge of tears routine and my nose was starting to run. Why does it feel like I'm in trouble?! Why is tiny Celestia dressed like a teacher tapping a ruler in her hoof!? Once Moonstone took his hoof off my muzzle I spilled the abridged version. “I..may have framed some drug dealers that were selling chems to kids.”

“Uh huh…” Lucy nodded along.

“And took their stash…”

“I don’t see said stash…”

“Aaand immediately sold it all for 600 caps-”

“SIX HUNDRED CAPS?!” Lucy burst only to catch the same hoof that covered my mouth. “Mff! Hrff mff grrrf mah hrfff!?”

Now Moonstone leaned towards her. “Lucy, What did I tell you about proclaiming to the world that you have more than two bits to rub together?”

Lucy glared at him before swatting the big hoof away. “Something about us getting accosted by brigands and laggards in the street. Do you even wash that hoof?!” she was already wiping her mouth off on a little handkerchief she pulled out of her new bags with a wing. “Eughh..”

“Is… six hundred a lot?” I asked raising my hoof while tiny teacher Celestia squinted at me, striking fear into the heart of marekind.

“Depends who you ask.” Sighed Moonstone. “Some ponies go their entire lives never having more than a few, and others…others got so many they actually use NCR banks to store it all.”

I kept my questioning hoof in the air. “What’s a bank?”

“A bank..” Lucy started still fervently trying to clean herself with said handkerchief “Is a respectable institution that holds onto one’s currency and keeps it safe in exchange for permission to use and invest it elsewhere.” Once done she looked at her new handkerchief in disgust. “Guess this is going in the laundry too..”

“And ponies trust banks?” I asked.

“No.” the two answered in unison.

“Given the only banks down here are either run by the NCR or old world aristiponies, never. One might take your caps when they get desperate, and the other might just take them 'cause they think they're better than you.” Moonstone elaborated.

“Which one is which?”

“It’s cute you think there’s a difference.” He chuckled a bit and gave me a pat… damn him and his mare disarming pats!

“Barbarian currency or no not even Father trusted enclave banks. He only used them when he had to, and those were backed by an actual functional government. Down here on the surface, I'd have better odds handing my caps to a raider and saying ‘Don't rob me please’." She huffed holding the handkerchief as far from herself as possible with a wing.

“Safest place for you to keep all your caps is either on your person, a pre-war safe, or a private room in Tenpony Tower.” Moonstone listed

“We really should visit Tenpony sometime after we reach the refugee camp. I heard it's one of the few places left with some class outside of Hoofington.” Lucy pondered rubbing her chin with the pinion feathers of her free wing. “Ballroom dancing, high fashion, the arts, culture, a cheese store… and Celestia’s wings the Wine~” of all the things she said, wine seemed to be the one that got her to smile the most.

“Guys…” I whined, my hoof starting to shake in the air. “My hoof is getting REALLY tired from all the questions you’re causing.”

There was a crackle and a buzz from the ancient speakers hooked up above the door to the laundromat proper. “Number 17! Number seven- oh fuck it.. Moonstone, purple bitch, and Sketchy! You’re up. CLICK”

“Oh hey were up!” I hopped up from the ground and started trotting right back inside.

“What did that smokestack call me?!” growled Lucy but it was too late. I was already inside.

Darrla offhoofedly tossed a key just right that landed right around my horn. “Door in the back noobie, try not to get lost or break anything.” Earth ponies and their perfect aim… cheating is what it is!

“Thanks, Darrla!” Moonstone and I said in passing and just kept walking on by. Lucy on the other hoof had a brief glaring and growling match before Moonstone went back to drag Lucy along.

Turns out there was a skinny backroom to this place guarded by one of the Club-street members who nodded us in. Ten feet wide and fifteen long wasn't much room for much more than the town’s main attraction. A rusty washer-dryer combo that looked like it had been disassembled and reassembled a dozen times with extra parts left over. Tubes went in and out of missing panels, some dials were gone, and there was a glowing jar ratchet-strapped to the side. “The buck is this?” I asked looking at Moonstone and pointing at the mechanical abomination.

“That is one of the last working washing machines this side of the wasteland. I think the story was that some poor colt used to work here before the war and spent his off time building this thing.” he gestured at the machine that Lucy was already opening and tossing her clothes into. “Only reason it works is cause he somehow got his hooves on some industrial-grade water recycling, repair, and soap talismans. The kind normally reserved for Stables.”

“So it's self-sufficient? No outside water? Just plug it in and go?”

“Pretty much.”

“This buck could have been rich!” I threw my hooves in the air. Sure it would have been expensive but no waste water! No buying soap! Water consumption across Equestria would have plummeted!...probably.

Once all the clothes were tossed in alongside my glowing stable suit I set the dial to ‘permanent press’ and extra rinse like I’ve done with all my laundry since the dawn of time. “So… what now?”

“We wait about thirty minutes…”

Lucy was already trotting towards the door. “Now that my garments are safely in the wash I think I’ll go give that smokestack of a mud mare a piece of my mind.” she growled closing the door behind her.

“Uh oh..”

“Damn right uh oh!” Grumbled Moonstone quickly making for door. “Sketchy watch the laundry, I’m going to keep Lucy from getting plucked.”

“But I…”

“And don't wander off!” The door slammed behind him, leaving me alone in the back room, silent of all but the rumble of the ancient machine swirling colors against the glass.

“Horseapples…” I hunched. “Okay, Sketchy… you’ve been left unsupervised yet again. You just need to sit here…and watch the laundry. Sit here…and watch.. The…”

3 minutes later.

I lay sprawled upon the ruined linoleum floor, staring at the moldy ceiling as my soul slowly left my body for greener pastures. For the current ones have grown rife with boredom and tangled with the weeds of inaction. “Lobest thou my dearly departed sanity. How I shortly knew thee in the zenith of thine existence. The apex upon which I hath built the memories that shapeth who I art and art not. Floating tither and hither on thine quest of self-reflection, penance, and actualization of the mind. Where hath I… I…. uhh… fucketh me I don't know any actual Shakespony!” I groaned sitting up, smacking my lips idly as I looked at the egg timer on the washer. “Twenty…seven…” I read aloud wondering if it was broken. “How long does it take to save Lucy’s uptight ass? I don't have anyone to talk to but Brain and the other figments of my imagination..” I grumbled watching the two tiny princesses look bored as hell sitting around a tiny chess board slowly moving pieces.

“Do all the drugs Sketchy… it'll be fun… fun… fun…” quietly echoed that male voice from my dreams echoing again.

“I dunno random voice in the back of my head… Doing chems without a prescription is kinda bad. I mean I did just mug two drug dealers today. Aren’t I supposed to get some kind of moral lesson out of that?”

The tiny Luna glared up at me while her sister giggled into her hoof and took her queen on the little chess board.

“Actually you framed them~ But who's counting really?”

“That is true, but they were selling to kids so it morally balances out in the end…right?”

Tiny Luna squinted harder while her radiant sister ate one of the pieces while she wasn’t looking.

“What's with you?” I asked the tiny figment of the night.

“Ohh don’t mind her. That massive moon on her flank is putting a lot of pressure on the narc stick up her butt. She’s still upset about her off-brand anti-drug movie getting trashed.” the dream voice added.

I looked around wondering where the voice was coming from exactly. It was omnidirectional yet… nowhere. “But… it sucked. Like really bad. I learned more about how to find, buy, and steal drugs from that movie than I did reasons to not take them. There was enough cheese to make a pizza blush, enough corny to found a town called Corn-Hub, and such a lack of story beat that a radish had to step in at the end to tell us what happened.”

“I always preferred Randy the Rad Rutabaga for that role. He had a surfboard and gave all the kids free stickers!”

“Yeah, Randy was cool! Best character in that movie.”

The tiny Luna was practically vibrating as she glared up at me like she was about to explode. Celestia was busy cutting up the chess board like a cake and giggling like a maniac.

“And what did that lovable rutabaga teach you?”

“Sniffing markers is cool?... especially if you have the 256 pack so you can style on your friends that don't?” I gave the voice with my best guess.

“Yes, but no. You forgot the 256 box with the built-in sharpener. I mean the other thing.”

“That all chems have an actual practical purpose? Like how Buck makes you stronger in an emergency and mint-als make you… smarter.” I blinked and pulled out the purple tin of mint-als from my bag. “Do they actually make you smarter? Or is it just a placebo thing?”

“Only one way to find out,” I swear I could feel a pair of claws on my shoulders for a moment. “Try one and see where the plot takes you. Maybe it’ll show you how to fix the array. The secret of friendship? Particle physics? Why diamond dogs are allergic to chocolate? It's all just one trip away. And if not… well at least you passed the time with a little harmless fun. Don’t overdo it though or you’ll end up like the other protagonists.”

I started down at the tin, I had nothing better to do, I was safe in the room, and as far as I recall Mint-als didn't have any long-term side effects. Like how med-x abuse could make your dick fall off…or was that buck?

“Fiiine!” I relented making a tiny Luna facehoof. I popped the lid, hovered out one of the purple pills, and ate it. Mmm, grape…

I blinked, Looked around… and nothing was different. I didn't feel anything… and the secrets of the universe weren't spreading their legs for me. “They may taste like candy but I don’t feel any smarter.” I squinted at the tin. “How many of these am I supposed to take for it to work?” I tossed the lid aside. “Maybe the effect is multiplicative with an exponential increase based on the number ingested. Perhaps there's some other variable I'm not seeing with how it reacts to my physiology. If additive then I need only take a few, if exponential then taking all of them could show me how goddess particles interact with quarks and magic ions! I could bridge the gap between the material plane and the metaphysical Everafter! There's only one logical conclusion!” I proclaimed lifting the tin and tumping the contents into my awaiting maw. I will learn it all!!

The voice giggled. “Oh, this is going to be good. Popcorn Moonbutt? I've got kettle and-”

“What’s going to be good?” I asked and then the world froze. My eyes widened, the colors inverted, the floor drifted away, and in my very hooves, I held the building blocks of the goddesses! All the tools of the universe laid bare before me! 42! The sum of all machinations! The meaning of the soul! The mission of the stars! The bones of the great old ones!! Ponethulhu fhtagn!! All shall bow before my awakened mind and despair before their new god! Mwahahahaha! ...why is the floor approaching my face so fast? WAIT NO-...THWACK!

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Bloody mess (rank 1)

-Sometimes your enemies just explode into a shower of gore when you hit them just right…or at all! Cause some small sick part of you revels in satisfaction seeing a pony get turned into paint. Also! Have +10% more damage.

Achievement perk Unlocked: On your shoulder (rank 1)

You’re not a bad pony, you just listen to bad advice. Be yee gullible or just filled with malicious intent you’ve listened to the angel(or devil) on your shoulder just a bit too much. You may choose to suffer only half karma loss (or gain) if your course of action was suggested by the GM or an NPC.