Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: Lunar Archives
Chapter 8: Lizard Skinner~

Dear readers of my archive, you might be wondering how a stable pone with such brawn, brains, sexual magnetism, and humility such as myself ended up overdosing on mint-als. Well, all I can say is… drugs are pretty bucking awesome! I can’t foresee this having any long-term consequences! No literally! I can’t see anything right now, just blackness in all directions. My hooves were perfectly visible, but I was back in that good old void.

I searched around in the weightless darkness taking in the scenic views of.. Black. “Well, this sucks… Is this what flight feels like? Or am I just hovering?” I thought aloud feeling said weightlessness, like that moment right when the elevator lurches to a stop. It's kind of like that but I’m not coming back down. I tried swimming, flailing, and attempting to TK myself but got nowhere. Moments before I was about to yell something about Pony purgatory the world rematerialized around me.

“Hey, this isn’t hell! Or even purgatory!” I squinted up at the blue sky and passing clouds. “And the distinct lack of well endowed angel ponies with great personalities says this isn’t the Everafter either…” I pondered, where could I possibly be- “AHHH!!” I squealed having looked down. “I’m In the sky! I’m in the sky! I’m in the bucking sky!!” I flailed tumbling in the zero-g. The ground was at least ten stories below, or as far as I was concerned, too damned high!

I wasn’t falling though and after my totally justified panic attack, I noted Bubble Town below me. It's like looking at a top-down map of the place but a lot more… real. Everypony below looked so small, like ants, unmoving ants. In fact, everything seemed frozen.

“Great, Im floating ‘LETHALY!’ high above Bubble Town and frozen in time! Who’s going to get me down from here?! HMM?! Celestia? Luna?! Discord?! Anypony?! I’m really high-....wait…high.” I facehoofed when it came to me. “I’m tripping balls right now. Very cute Brain! I’m so ‘high’ right now you wrinkly chuckle fuck!”

“Bingo Sketcho~” Cooed a familiar stallion’s voice as I finally felt a breeze along my mane and that sensation of claws on my shoulders. “You wouldn’t believe the betting pool we had going inside your head.” chuckled the voice that kept showing up in my dreams, talking with an invisible hoof around my shoulder. “You lasted far longer than expected, but I knew when you started free-styling Shakespony my bet was golden~ Three whole minutes, I almost lost, but you came through! Who’s my lil track pony?” he gushed.

I kept trying to turn towards the side I felt him on, but not only was there nothing there, all I got as a reward was dizzy. “You were betting against me?” I huffed at the disembodied voice trying to pin his location.

“I wouldn’t call it against you, more I was rooting for you to finally face-plant down the rabbit hole. Excellent timing too, Hatter is expecting me for tea and I think the readers want to see where this acid trip is going.”

“Hey! My readers would be totally invested in this conversation!” I shook my hoof at the voice. “I’m the one writing the archive here! I can make this conversation as flavorful or one-sided as I want!”

He hummed with an uncomfortable amount of glee “I just love messing with the meta like this. Do you really think it's wise to threaten me with a one-sided conversation miss bed-wetter?”

I squinted- no glared! “That was a stupid prank by Tulip! Not me! And this is my meta! I could go back and change this whole archive to say your voice sounds like a colt who just got kicked in the bits.”

“My oh my, the little protagonist came out swinging for the fences!” The invisible limb slipped over my shoulders lightly dragging the claws through my coat. “But little did you know, I’m a sucker for Hoofball, and I can play this ‘game’ too~”

Oh no… He had threats too, and I had no idea what this guy was capable of.

“A lot of things actually~”

“Hey, I didn’t say that part out loud!”

“So? Are you really going to argue with the disembodied voice in your head breaking the fourth wall while you ride a tin of Mint-als?”

I raised a hoof and my mouth opened to say something but I groaned as he had a point. Not that I was going to dignify his point by verbally acknowledging it! It’s my goddess-given right to be petty!

“That’s the spirit Sketchy! Not telling them you’re buying time with silence to conjure forth a comeback.”

“Will you stop that!?”

“No.” he sighed bemusedly. “Tell you what, Moon-butt was going to make you wait a few more chapters before the grand reveal but I’m tired of holding back the fun. I mean I’m the filthy enabler here, telling me no when I'm the one playing operator?”

“Wai-wai-wait! Moonbutt? Are you telling me Luna was the one who-”

“The one who dropped you in the pool of zomb-mes? yes~ Great pun by the way~”

Ah yes, he reminded me of my blood-boiling rage over that little stunt, I wonder how long I can- “Where the flying fuck is she?!” I exploded flailing in the air. “I’ll kick her ass! I’ll put my hoof print on the moon! Pulling that jump-scare shit on me! She owes me so many goddess-damned lucid nights with dream Pickle! Aghh!!” My flailing only made me spin in the air. But maybe MAYBE through the power of quantum physics, there was a chance I’d hit her.

“Ohhh myyy~” he mirthed such that I could hear the smirk in his voice. “One little pointing of the finger and suddenly she’s angry enough to fight her god~ Even only being half I love that about earth ponies.” he chimed.

“I will find a way to get Celestia to sit on her! And once she’s stuck under that divine ass I can and WILL have petty vengeance! Reeee!!” Spirit of petty vengeance take meeee!!

The wind brushed by again. “My favorite! Autistic screeching~ Shame I have to cut you short, Seems we both have appointments to make.”

“But Vengeeeeence!!” I whined, ceasing my flailing which brought my spinning to a slow stop.

“Soon my little murder pony. Soon~™.” An invisible clawed hand patted my mane. “But first… let's make a deal.”

“A…deal?” That's not suspicious at all!

“No wheel-of-fortune, yes make a deal.” suddenly my nose was booped.

“Ack!” my muzzle scrunched and hooves darted to hold it.

“I’ll bring stick-in-her-butt to you on a silver platter, and in exchange, you go on a little playdate with one of my favoritest ponies in the whole world.”

“Is it Fluttershy?”

The voice paused “...that’s cheating and you know it. Everyone loves Fluttershy, even after the megaspells.”

“Oh… Rainbow Dash?”

“No…

“What about-?” I started.

“Let's skip systematically naming the mane six and you just say yes? Less word count when you review the chapter later.”

“Dammit… fine!” I grumbled. I learned about the six saints well before anypony else in first grade could even spell Rainbow Dash! But noooooo! We gotta skip that!

He sighed. “Close enough.” followed by a snap next to my ear. “Toodaloo~”

“Tooda Who?” I asked before an hourglass came slowly tumbling past my muzzle, the sand sloshing within lacking gravity. “Is this symbolism for something? I’m pretty sure I’m too high right now to..” The presence was gone…just me, this spinning hourglass, and the tiny princesses clinging to its opposite ends for dear life.

Things got ‘Staticy’ around the edge of my vision, but more notably the world began to move. Something was off, and it was getting off’er by the second. Clouds imploded upon themselves, the sun moved east, the grass rippled backward, and when I looked down everypony in Bubble Town walked backward too.

It got faster too. The static grew and I began to hear this incessant squeaking sound. Ponies were in full reverse sprint, conversations were undoing themselves in split seconds, the sun fell in the east casting the land in darkness. Even the moon flew the sky in reverse.

“Waaaait this isn’t backward at all! I think I saw that group down there walking towards the town! And my eyes aren't getting worse, the world’s just rewinding like an old holotape!” I’m going back in time!

Faster and faster, by the time the sun returned, the clouds were zipping by and the ponies down below blurred. Day, night, day, and night again, I'd have an epileptic seizure if I wasn't higher than my last visit to the dentist.

The brief flashes of sunlight turned to constant cloud cover. I saw endless ponies coming and going, stalls being built and disassembled, caravans, and even shootouts. The walls themselves soon came apart too. Six seconds.. Six seconds to see that wall vanish and the neon sign flicker out. Brief flashes of pony-sized blurs fighting, fires, and explosions undoing themselves. Debris piled around the building, windows unshattered, rust splotches shrank, and cracked pavement healed.

I don’t know what was most haunting when the hourglass started slowing down. First, came the long silence as I observed the lack of activity below, all the grass dying off. Second, came the bones rising from the dirt, regenerating and reforming back into monsters and rotting ponies, fleshy forms un-slaughtering each other in a flash. Third came a world grey and dead as far as the eye could see. Fourth came the snow, or should I say the glow? A carpet of glowing green stretched horizon to horizon while storms swelled around me. I could only stare in abject horror seeing a dead world dotted with burning tornados, radiation storms, green lightning, and the haunting wail of long-forgotten bomb sirens harmonizing. Faces, so many faces in the snow! The ASH! It’s bucking ASH! Ash and bodies!

‘!!MOOOOOOB’

It came like a thousand rock breakers imploding at once in an ungodly shriek. Clouds burning black and green with balefire came down from the sky taking the form of towering mushrooms. They were countless, and each cloud that reformed came with its own distant shriek. This was the day Equestria ended. Armageddon.

Sweeping inwards a wave of balefire raced to the nearest roiling pillar of the apocalypse. It swept over the shattered remains of Bubble Town reassembling the strip mall. The collapsed sections reformed at the same time as many panicking ponies. Bones at the door de-conflagrated into ponies trying to get inside, other burning bones shot into the sky becoming pegasi fleeing for the heavens. Panic, mayhem, and destruction all played in reverse. The last thing I saw as the hourglass came to a stop were zebra warheads returning to the sky before it all flashed white.

I was… I was back in the laundromat’s back room? It’s different though…clean. It looked about as pristine as the stable’s own laundry room. Slightly dirty tile floor, shelves of Flim-&-Flam.Co detergent, bottles of bleach, baskets of towels, and the washing machine from before, but newer looking and half assembled. “What the fuuuu-”

The door slammed open “-ucking resource shortages my ass!" A blue blank flanked earth-colt with a messy white mane stormed in with a box of parts balanced on his withers. "Isn’t the whole bucking point of talismans so we don’t have to ration things like WATER?!” boy was he grumpy.

His mom…or I assumed it was his mom yelling from the main laundromat floor, was even grumpier. “Not getting to go to that seditious ass concert is no reason to swear like you're in the fucking navy young man!” I may have been clinging to the walls like a radroach but even I could smell the hypocrisy spilling into the room. I don't even know what's going on and I felt bad for him! Celestia’s titanic tits I never appreciated my dad more by comparison than right now.

He turned grabbing the door. “Oh yeah?! What are you gonna do? Send me to one of those damned stress disorder camps like SugarBee’s parents did?! I worked for those Lizard-Skinner tickets Mom! NYEHH!!” he slammed the door, knocking one of the detergent boxes off the shelf and spilling it on the ground.

My radroach instincts were telling me that maybe… just maybe, if I didn’t move… this justifiably angsty colt won’t see me. Then again…Am I In the past!? Everything was so shiny and clean! And what’s a concert?

He walked right past me and went over to the lone washing machine at the other end of the room, setting the box aside. “Seriously with all the shit I do around here…” he grumbled pulling various bits and bobs from the box. “Does she think getting these parts from Hayseed was easy? I make this business bucking viable and she tells me no?” I remember when I was this angsty… I think it was about the age all the protagonists in my stories were edgy half-angel half-demon alicorns with no personality other than their poorly veiled depression! Years later I realized how cringe they were. Heh... Never again.

He pulled out piles of bolts, clasps, and even a clipboard where he marked things off. “Military grade repair talisman?..” he pulled out a cluster of gems and wire from the box. “Check! One Stable-TEC water purification talisman…” he pulled out a more recognizable one.. Glowing a bright blue from the enchanted sapphires it was indeed a Stable water talisman.. “No idea how Smug-Bug got his hooves on one of these, but check! Gas mask, air to chlorine talisman, and air to ammonia talisman… check check, and check!” Did… did he just say ammonia and chlorine? “Now where’s the- Here it is! The ‘mustard gas to fabric softener’ talisman! I didn’t even know they made these!” Neither did I!

This kid seemed cool. maybe if I said hi he’d let me out the backdoor and hopefully not scream? “Psst!… hey kid? Don’t panic but-....hello?” He wasn’t even turning to face me, in fact, he even started humming an unfamiliar tune.

“Think I have a good four hours before mom cools off. Plenty of time to install the talismans, eat dinner, and sneak off to the concert that I PAID FOR!!” He yelled the last part at the door.

“Not going!” his mom yelled back, muffled by the walls.

“Oi… can you not see me?” I asked waving a hoof at him, then two, and eventually standing on my hinds flailing my hooves about for attention. “I don’t say this often but, notice me darn you!” Nothing…

“I swear if ministry goons do another crackdown this week I’m gonna strangle somepony.” He grumbled walking right up to me before his forehoof reached forward and- went through me? “Somepony short…with like… minimal ability to resist and an annoying personality to justify the strangling… maybe Yellow-Snow… he’s a dick.” he mumbled.

Huh, I’m not really here! I must be the ghost of Hearths-Warming Future or something! And he pulled a little radio out of my chest… from the shelf behind me.

He propped the radio up on the gutted washing machine and extended the bent antenna in the air with his teeth. “Ready for action!” CLICK!

“Zzzzt… The front lines for Hoofington continue to-”

“Nope!”

“Zzzzt… Flim and Flam’s ever foods on sale at-”

“Nuh-uh..”

Next was a familiar voice, the mare from Dad’s holotape. “Zzzt… this goes out as a friendly reminder to the loyal citizens of Equestria. Gatherings of more than five pones without ministry approval are expressly prohibited. Please only attend approved venues for the arts carefully curated to protect you from seditious zebra sympathies. Only together can we-”

“Well fuck you too Rarity!” I… I couldn't believe my hearths-warming ghost ears. That was the saint of generosity? And this kid had beef with her like she pissed in his sugar apple bombs? What's going on here?!

“You’re the bucking reason all the cool bands are in camps! Lizard Skinner, the Mossy Stones, and you practically butchered Creedwater in the street.” He growled flipping through more stations, the growing look of frustration showed how little he liked. “And now there's nothing left but this hoity-toity classical crap!”

The colt glanced around shifty-eyed before pulling out a bungle of wire, spark cells, and a coat hanger out of his bin of parts. “As they say, when the mare’s got you down the only thing you can say is ‘yar-har-fiddle-dee-dee its pirate radio for me~!’ Heheh.” In an impressive display of electrical engineering and mischievous giggles for a blank flank, he elongated the radio’s antenna and hotwired something into the battery panel. Silence… “Hmm…” He hummed rubbing his chin before picking the radio up between his forehooves and bashed it on the table until it crackled to life. “Yiss! Damn, I’m good” he smugged.

The audio quality was awful, layered in static, and the radio’s little speaker was weak as can be… but I could still hear it. The beats, the chords, the gentle riffs, and the emotion of the words. So many instruments I’d never even heard before. What’s it doing on an illegal broadcast?

“If I left Equis tomarooowwww~
Would you still pray for meeee?

For I must be flying on nowww~
Cause there's too many places I got to beee.

If I stayed in your world, things just couldn't be the same
Cause I’m as free as a pegaaaasuuus!

And this pega you cannot change! OHohohohoh!”

I may be an incorporeal unicorn tripping balls on mint-als right now but everything felt far too serene for this to be JUST a dream. I mean, I’m not musically inclined at all! So there’s no way I was just making up a ballad about free pegas on the fly… was I?

The kid sighed and hummed along. “Much better.” He smiled while he got proctologist-deep in the washer.

I started to feel weightless again and my hooves were leaving the ground. I frantically grabbed onto the shelves as my hinds kept rising higher, eventually pulling against my grip. “Cmon! I’m not done enjoying music by proxy! Ughh!! Lemmie…stay!” I strained as the pull got stronger.

Looking around the tiny room for anything else to grab onto my ass was already phasing through the ceiling. I don't know if it's the drugs, the circumstances, or mild brain damage to deserve witnessing a small miracle. Manifesting on the flank of the colt was a mark… a cutie mark, and the poor kid was oblivious to its appearance. It took the form of a wrench latched onto a bolt-shaped bubble… that's it! “By the power of pony naming conventions, I dub thee Bubble-bolt!”

‘And this pega you cannot chaaaange!’

My grip slipped bit by bit and my body dipped further into the ceiling. The last thing I heard before my mighty nerd hooves failed me was a sharp gasp and a proud. “Hey! Hey mom! Check it out!”

Slipping through the ceiling the music didn't stop, if anything it got clearer and louder as the invisible force pulled me into the evening sky above pre-war Bubble Town. Just a laundromat with an empty parking lot, wedged between a ‘Neighpon-Noodle’ and ‘Pappa Pony’s Pizzaria’ with much fuller parking lots.

And as the last lyric hit my speed skyrocketed with it.

“Luna Knows I can’t chaaaaaaange!!”

Completely brave and reasonable screaming was an accurate description of how I sounded as the ground became a blur below me and stars turned into lines.

“WONT YOU FLYYYY HIIIIGH PEGAAAASUUUUSSS!!!!”

Holy fuck I feel like I can fly!! Wait, I am flying! The world melded together with speed as the guitar picked up the tempo, and when it finally let loose so did reality. “WEEEEEE!!!” Legs spread wide as I flew on glittering hopes and misty dreams feeling how I only ever dreamed a pegasus could feel. Equestria passed below me, the world framed away to my sides, and you know what? The flaming wings and rainbow-trailed golden stars zipping alongside me were also pretty cool! A blend of every color and beyond rushed past my face in the cool breeze of SPEED!!

No level for you!