Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

CH9: Coltifornia Love~

Amid the night sky and rolling hills, over the trees and power poles, were lights that beamed into the sky. I heard the music ahead luring me closer with all the energy that coursed through my legs. I was losing altitude and before I clipped the top of the trees everything flashed again.

I stumbled back to reality…whoops there goes gravity. My heart pounded, my ears rang, my eyes saw double, and my insides felt like spaghetti. Plus there’s an odd weight between my hind legs, like that’s the weirdest-... I moved my leg and felt the weight shifted a little. “Ho-ho-holy shit I’m a guy!” a hoof went to my mouth, my voice was different, and I quickly pulled the hoof away seeing the brown. This trip was getting really REALLY bucked up. Where am I? Who am I?!

I shook ‘my’ head sending my brain swimming a bit more until the double vision aligned long enough for me to see the spectacle. What I somehow knew to be the greatest guitar solo in equestrian history was being played on the biggest stage I’d ever seen. An island among a veritable sea of cheering ponies. I was on a hill in the back where raggedy tents bordered the edge of a forest. I’ve never seen so many trees…

More importantly, I saw an earth buck on the drums, unicorns on guitars, and a pega-stallion on the mic. I’d never even heard of these instruments before and somehow just… knew? Guitars, drums, bass, vocals, lighting effects, the electric triangle, and pyrotechnics! The concert reeked of beer, vomit, sweat, freebase chem smoke, and… and that is not what I expected sex to smell like but Oof… goddesses It was all mixed like smog.

“WOOO!!” cheered a mare next to me. I turned making this stallion’s shaggy chocolate mane fall in ‘my’ face. I stumbled before beating the double vision back enough to see a middle-aged pink earth mare pumping her forehooves in the air like the rest of the crowd. She looked like she had a decade on most of the other ponies here which… Huh… I guess older mares can party too. She had a poofy darker pink mane, blue eyes, a dirty ‘Lizard Skinner’ t-shirt, an office tie around her head in lieu of a headband, and glow-rings around her ankles. She sat on a blanket even dirtier than her t-shirt and was up to her flank in mint-al tins. Speaking of flank… for a mare in her late 30s she had really nice-

“Huuuurk!!” I sucked air, my heart stopped, and my lungs threw in the towel when my eyes fell upon the holy mark. Three balloons! I wheezed about as hard- no, Harder than I did when I found out I burned down her house! How was I gonna explain that?! She's right here next to me! Panic!!

“Oh, you don’t have to do that silly!” The saint of joy giggled turning to face me. “It’s just a house, It was technically yours to burn down anyways, so it’s fiiiine! So long as it was fun right?”

What came next was possibly the girliest squeal I think this stallion ever made. So startled, girly, and high-pitched, his balls, which I will never get used to having, probably got smaller. Sorry, my dude. But more importantly… “You can read my thoughts?!”

“Well duh, of course I can! You don't have your foil hat on or anything.” she giggled pointing at my hatlessness.

I quickly looked around for a foil hat! Surely this guy had one if she mentioned it! But she only started snort giggling louder.

“Hehehhe you always fall for that Thumpy! Seriously you and Summie Sum’s kid is gonna be so gullible I swear-” she froze and blinked asynchronously. “..waaaaait an itty bitty minute.” She squinted, I blinked, and she was suddenly right in front of me.

“Eep!” I meeped as she got right in my face making me/this buck tilt back and low as possible.

“Witty…bitty…Hmmmitty...” She inspected me all over, darting around this foreign body and peering uncomfortably close. How’d she move so fast? She leaned in on one side just to appear on the other the moment I looked away. “You’re not Thumpy at all are you?”

“Wh-what makes you think that?” I smiled sheepishly taping my forehooves together.

“I know 'cause Thumpy always complains about how awkward it feels being in a stallion with a smaller dick.”

“He does?!” I looked down like I knew what to compare this stallion to!

“Ahah! That proves it. Thumpy’s too self-conscious to complain about that! Who are you imposter?” she squinted harder leaning in until her snoot pressed into my cheek. “My pinkie sense told me I needed to meet somepony here and It felt like a Thumpy or Summy twitch. They’re always so fun to party with but you… imposter!” she drew back over-dramatically pointing a shaky hoof at me. I see mint-als and alcohol were doing a number on a mare given her pupils weren’t dilated the same.

“I uhh… erm… I’m not Thump-”

“Wait wait! Summer-Flare?” Did she just say mom’s name? “Little pip? Did you fall off the wagon again? No?” she rubbed her chin “Blackjack? You fall ON the wagon? You don’t look depressed enough… Murky? Dead-Shot?... The amount of mint-als you’d need to pinkie sense back this far is..is.. Erm…” she tapped a hoof on her head repeatedly making a rattling sound before something dinged. She pulled a somehow lit lightbulb from behind her back before tossing it aside. Reaching back again she pulled out a tin of ‘party time’ mintals and popped one of the candy-looking pills. One little crunch and her eyes dilated wide. She gasped as dramatically as I did first seeing her. “You! You’re Summy and Thumper’s kid! Welcome to the party Sketchy! It’s about bucking time!” Throwing her hooves up in cheer and hugging me!

“Y-you know who I am?”

“Course I do!” she beamed releasing me only to wrap a suspiciously elongating leg around my shoulder to pull me closer. “I’ve been hanging out with your parents for weeks! Been a real team effort getting Thumper to loosen up and party! I mean phewie me!~” she giggled. “I see my dating advice finally did the trick, huh?” she smirked wiggling her eyebrows knowingly.

I coughed “I… I am so confused right now. Like not just on an emotional, spiritual, or sexual level… like all of the above and a few more levels I didn't know I had.”

“It's reaaaaally simple!” She panned a hoof out in front of us waving over the whole concert. “You’ve got a hundred and three percent of the hot n’ fresh ‘me’gredients for some real grade A pinkie sense.”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about…” I held my head “A hundred and three percent? How is that even possible? And why can't I feel my horn?!”

“Hmm, Summy did say you’d be a nerd…”

“Hey! I’m not… damn it.” I groaned giving up before I even got started.

“It’s like baking okay? If pinkie sense is the recipe… then Thumpy, Summer-Flare, and everypony that came before you were your ingredients.” she nodded assuredly.

“So what you’re saying is… the reason I tripped balls so damn hard I fell into the past is because-”

“Yep! I’m your great great great greatgreatgrea-” Good goddesses fucking me sideways, she’s just like the voice and B-Rad! At least she stopped to take a gasp of air. “- Great-grandma/aunt/cousin/thing!”

“What?! How?! Why?! Who the fuck- a hundred and three percent?! That’s not genetically possible! Why is the Joy Saint saying we’re related?! What kind of trip is this?! Ahh!!” Panic mode set in as I lay down rubbing my temples. The world swam around me making thinking all the harder..

“Is Thumpy still on that whole saints thing? I thought he got past that when we were slamming jungle juice at Dashie’s birthday party.”

“ONE EMOTIONAL CRISIS AT A TIME!!” I cried as conflicting information mounted higher and my ears pounded. Being related to Saint Pinkie is one thing, the saints saying they aren't saints is another, But my pastor of a dad anywhere near the idea of hard partying?! LIES!! I’d land a threesome with PJ and Bronze before Dad would ever rave!

“Okay okay, I can see you’re not having the greatest of times right now. How can I help get you back to a good one?” she was patting my back sounding concerned. “It's my job after all!”

Should probably get her to resolve all of these mounting questions “How is it a hundred and three percent?” I coughed feeling the stallion’s stomach swish about inside. “Ugh..”

She rubbed her chin for an analogy before lighting up again. "Look loki look lookie look it's simple~ There's a teeny weeny hoof-full of weeny beany cells in your body that know how to play the banjo is all."

Cells? Banjo?... I slowly blinked until it hit me like a flat-bed autowagon I probably knew how to drive by instinct. "I'm BUCKING INBRED?!"

"No more than anypony else!" She smiled sheepishly backing away like she was trying to minimize THAT big of an issue.

"I mean a little sibling-on-sibling action isn't all bad... Like at this one party, the Spa twins grabbed this stallion and-"

"INBRED?!" I repeated louder!

Pinkie sighed. "Only about 3% bread, enough to make a small sammich. And I would know."

"Cause you lived in a bak-"

"Cause I lived in the Cake's bakery!" Pinkie continued. "Sure I may be your great great great..." she goes on for a few moments. "-Great Grandma/aunt.. but that gene pool thingy Twi keeps talking about only touched two or three times before getting to you~"

I wheezed as my soul left my borrowed body. "HEeeeeee......"

"Bronze is actually your second cousin!"

I shriveled like I got bucked in the foundations of my soul’s bits!

"PJ Sammich is also your cousin five times removed."

I shriveled more as the memories of that gorgeous ass and big bouncy mane walking away were forever TAINTED!!!

"Aaand you share enough genes with Tulip-patch to open up a whole jean store with that party mare! Sure she’s a bit sour, but have you ever noticed she can cut loose just as hard as you can? You’re welcome!" Pinkie wiggled, smiling like she helped.

I dissolved into dust… or wished I could. She was making puns at the expense of my DNA. “Buck me sideways…” I groaned.

"You two are genetically similar enough to be sisters in all but parents~" She may be patting my head, but it was more like she was beating me while I was down!

"You'd be pinkie-winkie like me if it wasn't for Marble’s thing for big stallions~ I mean look at you? It took four generations of bright colors to go from Thumpy black to Sketchy-Wetchy grey! Twi could probably explain it better if she wasn’t so busy with… the war and stuff." The beams of joy waned for a moment but she was still all eyes on me.

That only raised more questions! So many questions I no longer had room for this stallion’s lunch. Said lunch went all over the metaphysical grass.

"Oh dear, First time doing a tin popper?" she asked patting my back faster.

"What’s a- hurk! T-Tin popper?" I coughed and heaved holding onto the grass for my life.

"It's when you pop the entire tin of mint-als in one go. Usually, you chase it down with something to dilute the effects and draw out the buzz."

Well she's just a goddess-damned expert now, isn't she?

"Believe it or not, I like to think you're just like me!” she continued. “Minus the pool of ink you rolled in and the basket of chillis that is your mane~"

"Uhhh… How?"

"Well for one you thought it was a good idea to down a whole tin of mint-als on your first go. Without a single thought given other than 'is it working?'"

"Too-shay..." I squinted up from the ground.

"You absolutely lose your shit at parties. Oops, sorry! Bad word, but true. You're a wild mare when the beat hits."

"Am not!” I protested pointing a hoof. “I'm a dignified, socially awkward wallflower!"

"Uh-huh, sure you are." Pinkie Pie giggled. "And Tulip-Patch is the element of chastity~" Damn… just daaamn! Pinky gave my snoot a boop.

“ACKK!” I flailed having been booped again.

"You on the other hoof. One itty bitty all-in-one 'sweeper' at that bugs club lets out the party girl."

"Did not!...wait.. What's a sweeper? And what bug? ...and by club do you mean one like the Pipbuck Enthusiasts club I signed up for in highschool?"

"Oh, you’ll learn!" Pinkie smirked as she wheeled in a slide projector and screen out of nowhere and clicked the first side. It was me in a dark room, filled with flashing lights, fog, and tons of dancing ponies. "Lemmie see, You started hitting Dash inhalers like an asthmatic in a dust factory." click "Got on stage and made out with one of the strippers. Classic." click "Pushed her off the stage and started tearing up the dance floor." click. "Huffed two canisters of super-dash to blow shapes in the air while twirling on the pole..." click. "Got into a bar fight and smashed this cute stallion here..." she noted with a laser pointer. "Over the head with no less than three bottles." click. "Aaaand woke up in a dumpster."

"Wow…” I paused looking at the projection of me sprawled on some trashbags in a rusty dumpster. “Why is that version of me so cool?!"

"In short, 'cause it IS you, just not yet." Pinky cut the projector off. "You go girl~"

“So your evidence for tulip-patch basically being my sister is your word and a slide show of what a possible future me is capable of?”

She nodded contently folding her hooves. “Yep! I can do a PowerHoof presentation of the things Tulip-patch likes to do too if that’ll-”

“No!!” I shot up pressing a hoof to her snoot. “No, nope, never, don't you even dare! I can guess!”

Pinky blinked “Mff grf hullmurf tafffum-”

Realizing I was silencing a saint I quickly withdrew my hoof. Bad hoof!

“-ike I was saying, If you don’t believe me go check yourself, or risk it, or just don’t think about it. I heard that last one will be quite popular in the future!”

"But PJ is hot tho!!’ I lamented. “Why’d you ruin her for me too?!" The things I’ve done to dream pickle… I looked down at my shaking hooves in a new kind of dread! “I gotta evict Dream Pickle now!”

"Oh please~ It's not that bad. As I said, the spa twins were all over each other, and everypony thought it was hot. Especially the tag-teaming thing they-"

"Okay, I get it!" I pointed a hoof, blood running down my nose at the idea of hot twins going at it. "It’s hot under the right conditions! Now stop telling me I'm related to everypony I wanted to spank flanks with!"

"Well, you aren't related to the spa twins working in Twi's fancy hotel thingy!"

"But I never said I wanted to..."

Pinkie did her suggestively wiggly eyebrows a little more.

"Further proof to ease all your wittle doubts is that just like Twilight and Marble, we’re both suckers for the big bucks." She bounced on her legs around me, a 'boing' sound being made between each bounce.

"I am not!" Defensive Sketchy was defensive!

"Denial is more than just a river in Saddle Arabia Wetchy~" boing! "Bronzy, Moony, Dr Zeeb's son (who?), Big Mac, and all those hunky royal guard posters Rarity put up everywhere." boing! "Oh! Even that Buck-Party magazine I commissioned for the mares fighting on the front lines~" boing! “All more buck than the average mare can handle~ But we don't care about that little fact do we?” she teased with a knowing leer.

I groaned as the pink pone kept killing me softly with her words. "Please stop talking..." Strumming my pain with her hooves, stealing secrets of my heart with her words. Killing me softly….with this nosebleed Damn it!

"Oh, there's no need to be embarrassed! It's okay!" she smiled firmly patting me on the head more. "I've had all kinds of fun like that. Should have seen the look on Twi's face when I had a pair of studs burst out of her birthday cake."

One brief snort and moments later we break into the same giggle/laugh nearly mirroring each other. Someone as serious as the saint of magic having a pair of hot guys burst out of her cake? "Ha!" she giggles just like dad.

"Twi may have been a party pooper turning them down, but I sure didn't~" she added in a sing-song voice while swaying her rear a little before the giggle snorts resumed. She started listing off on her hooves "Royal guards, Clydesdales, dragons, nerds, hoofball jocks, you name it. Each at some point made my hind hooves dangle off the ground while I ate cake crosseyed... or in Rarity's case, creampie. Not just because it felt amazing, but cause it's fun!~ The ones with stamina were pretty amazing though."

I’m gonna die in the past cause of bloodloss… I’m tripping balls so hard I fell into the past and I’m gonna kill this poor buck via nasal exsanguination. A real high point of my career right here!

"Buuut then I met the bucky wucky of my life and realized something." She booped my bleeding snoot again. "Big bucks are all kinds of fun, especially when they're so good your eyes start to look like Ditzy's.”

Why was that name so familiar?

“But after marrying Cheese-Sandwich I learned I'm far happier with a stallion who snuggles me, cares, and can cook~!"

“Dawwww! That’s so sweet-” I started, which was a mistake.

"I mean seriously, Have you ever had a hot off-the-griddle grilled cheese after an hour of lazy Sunday morning sex? Cause it's better than soul food!” She grabbed my face between her hooves “Better than cake!"

"N-no..."

"You should- no NEED to try it every opportunity you get with that special somepony! Hilt deep, non-stop, raw! Party till you're a limp cream-filled doughnut with a mouth full of grilled cheese getting cuddle-plowed by that somepony! Like Blackjack! Or Rarity! Or a doughnut! Whatever you choose I ship it!"

Yep, this buck’s gonna die… "B-But what about-"

Pinkie quickly turned her head back toward the concert. "Oh! They’re about to finish the Free-Pega solo, I gotta be quick." She pulled a pink riot helmet from behind her back. "You need to start looking for the Archive, I can fill you in on finding the key pieces later.” she put the helmet on, her mane vanishing within to a faint suction sound. Foomf! “Sorry about the whole virgin thing, you got the social awkwardness from Marble. The code to the basement is 5318008, and uhhh.. oh! And geese are just gentrified ducks! Toodaloo!" Pinkie pulled out a matching riot shield before half a dozen vertibucks swooped overhead and the crowd scattered. The dual prop vehicles pulled to a stop overhead causing screams of panic as fully armored ponies stormed in from the forest.

“This is an illegal gathering! Disperse at once or face the full might of equestrian law sympathizer scum!” blared the speakers strapped to the underside of vertibucks.

“What the buck is going on?!” I asked as clashes broke out all around us. My vision began to wobble and come apart.

“Compromising with Rarity that’s what.” Pinkie sighed before pulling the first straightest face I’d seen her ever make pointing at some nearby armored ponies. They wore pink riot barding emblazoned with ‘M.o.M’ on the side. “Teams ‘Pie’ and ‘Cake’ hold the crowd around the forest line. Send team ‘Biscuit’ to intercept anyone making a dash for their auto-wagons. And team ‘Sprinkle Donut’ is to leave anypony that runs for the river alone. Give them ten minutes to swim before tossing a canister of tracking glitter in the water. Show Rarity it works! Nopony touches the band! Give chase but let them go after a few miles.”

“Yes Minister!” A riot mare saluted before running off.

Pinkie sighed again, slumping as many more riot ponies galloped by, tackling and clubbing any concertgoers trying to flee. “And they were having such a fun time too…” she whined, ears going flat.

Wait…wait a second!! The Ministry of Morale is raiding the concert!? But..but! WHY?! This is their thing, isn’t it? Oh goddesses! What if Bubble-Bolt is here?! My gut wanted to lunge as I tried to stand. “O-Oh Celestia..hur!-” I pushed it back down even as my vision split from doubles to triples. “Pinkie! L-let Bubble-Bolt go he just…” I staggered as Pinkie head turned to acknowledge. “He j-just got his cutiemark. He’s probably here! Bubble..Town..” I coughed falling back to the ground and eating dirt.

Pinkie blinked for a moment as her jaw slowly dropped. Like all her other equipment she pulled a walkie-talkie from behind herself. “All units be advised, we have a code Cutie in the crowd. I repeat we have a code Cutie. Suspected name ‘Bubble Bolt’ bring him to……to…..to…”

Each ‘to’ looped and cracked my vision like glass, pain in my head just kept growing until the vision finally shattered. Like somepony was trying to put a pickaxe through my skull. Things went from shattered, to monochrome, and eventually faded to black with the sounds of the concert distorting into a constant high pitch ringing.

Ah shit, here we go again...

—--------------

Fortunately, the blackness didn’t last that long, unfortunately, numbness didn't last long enough!

"Oh goddesses my bucking head! Agggh!!!" I groaned, curling on the floor as the splitting pain from the past reverberated around my skull. Every little movement rang in my ears and made my head pulse against the confines of my grey matter. Hell, my horn felt like it was about to fly off and impale a bird. Actually, firing my horn like a harpoon would be kinda awesome but- am I in a cart?

Reluctantly peeling my eyes, blurred vision gave way to my surroundings. A blonde earth stallion with a glorious golden beard sat next to me as the cart bumped and rolled along. The sky was grey with white flakes flitting by. “Oh good you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border right? Got caught by those imperial-”

“Who-?...” I blinked a few more times struggling to sit up and dispel the grogginess. By blink four the golden stallion was replaced by a much whiter and blue-maned one. Moonstone!

“I said, We can’t leave you alone for longer than five minutes can we?” he asked gently putting a hoof to my head and pushing me back down onto a pillow.

The pillow was crunchy, but it served as a nice buffer between me and the road bumps. “What…happened? Where are we? Why do I feel like I’m getting spiked in the brain with my own horn?...and why is this pillow crunchy?” I whined conveying both my confusion and agony.

“Were in an aqua-cura caravan westbound for Applewood. And your pillow is crunchy 'cause you’ve been foaming at the mouth, nose bleeding, and throwing up on it for two days.”

I raised my head again trying to take in my surroundings. A blanket, some barrels, and a pile of clinking sacks. I could see the back of somepony’s head up at the front of the cart and out the back was this two-headed..creature pulling another wagon loaded with barrels. “Oh…”

“Dare I even ask what compelled you to take a whole tin of off-brand mint-als? If you have a problem there are doctors who can fix that sort of thing,” he asked concernedly.

“I don't have a problem…I just..”

“Says every addict ever..”

I facehoofed. He was right, yet so wrong. “I didn't feel any smarter after the first one… so I figured, ya know… maybe the effect was multiplicative.. or something.”

“Well of course you didn’t feel smarter. These kinds of mint-als don’t do that… if you can even call them Mint-als.”

“Wha?...” I blinked in confusion.

“Yep, These are just knockoff party-time mint-als,” he added pulling the empty tin out of a bag. “Didn’t you notice how mint-als was spelled with an E? ‘Ment-als’?”

“Bucking kill me…” I groaned rolling onto my side and holding my face in my hooves.

He smiled. “No can do~ This wouldn't be a learning opportunity if I squished your gourd and robbed you of your hangover.”

I curse thee you gloriously handsome… chiseled.. stallion!! Curse theeee!! “Not even if I ask nicely?” I whined louder pulling at my face before letting it spring back into place.

Moonstone simply sighed and smiled. “No, but ‘we’ are glad you recovered. Even if Lucy is a bit too preoccupied to say so.”

“Where is Lucy actually?” I looked around but didn't see the posh purple pega anywhere. “Eep!” I meeped ducking further under my hooves when a very not purple pega flew overhead. In fact they were orange…and a he.

“She's sitting in the time-out wagon.” he nodded at the caravan line behind us, whereas we were taking a long curve in the road I could see half a dozen other carts behind ours. Lo and behold was the aforementioned purple pega in all her big winged glory. As glorious as one can be sitting with resting-pout-face and a gag in her mouth. That was indeed a very upset-looking mare. She wasn’t really tied up or anything, just gagged and glaring at Moonstone who waved in return.

“Do I wanna know why?”

“No reason out of the usual for Lucy. Failing to grasp the concept that calling your airborn compatriots ‘Damned dirty Dashites’ might upset them.”

I rolled over onto my other side and groaned into the crunchy pillow, pulling the rag of a blanket over me. “It's too early in the morning for politics… explain it to me when I’m sober,” I whined.

“It’s three in the afternoon…”

“Too early!” I whined even louder, kicking under my blanket. My crunchy barrier between me and reality.

“Oh don’t be a baby. Your pipbuck said the chems were out of your system hours ago. You just need solid food and a glass of water… or five.”

“Uhhuh, sure it di-” I shot up. “You touched my pipbuck?”

“Eyup, sure did. If you feel like being extra observant today you can look down and notice I also got you back in your stable suit. After you stopped spewing like a fountain naturally.”

I looked down and I was indeed back in my stable-suit. The sweet embrace of super breathable blue over my body. “How did you even get this on me? You’re an earth pony. With teeth and no telekinesis…”

“Oh I uhh…” he glanced away for a moment looking for the right words. “Have a lot of experience with mare’s clothing.” he blinked probably realizing how that sounded “N-not wearing them just uhh.. With getting them off. Turns out the reverse is almost as easy.”

“You do realize I can't unsee you in mares clothing now right?” Just going to file that in the mental image repository.

“I know…” he groaned sulking on the spot. “Just don't expect me to actually do it. I may be willing to babysit two full-grown mares but I have some dignity left.”

“Can I have some? I lost all of mine somewhere on the floor.”

A deeper more motherly voice came from behind the cart. “Honey, if it were that easy to sell dignity a lot of broads would be out ‘ah business.”

“Who said that?” I looked back seeing a bored-looking unicorn stallion driving the wagon behind us and not even looking my way.

“Down here sugar cube~”

I looked lower at the two-headed beast pulling the cart. It looked like the cattle from the storybooks, but lumpy, missing a lot of its fur, and…oh yeah, did I mention two heads?! One leaked a steady stream of drool and was so cross-eyed you couldn’t tell where it was looking. The other smiled like a pony with a glimmer of sentience in her eyes.

I responded the only way I knew how. I suddenly flailed and screamed like a filly skittering deeper into the cart…and maybe a bit behind Moonstone.

Everypony around quickly drew pistols, rifles, and blades scanning the surroundings or looking at me. The pegasi swooped overhead as many of them were darting to defensive positions. Trained, tried, exercised, and down to a routine.

Moonstone facehoofed for a moment before calling out. “False alarm everypony, were fine. Stable mare’s never heard a Brahmin talk before is all.” The caravan guards collectively groaned and grumbled at the unjustified spike in blood pressure.

I on the other hoof peered from behind Moonstone’s torso. “It.. it's a what?” I glanced around the caravan seeing all the eyes on me. Either amused or annoyed at my reaction to something I guess was totally normal to them. My muzzle burned and I wanted to stay hidden behind this stallion for the rest of the trip!

“That..” he points. “Is a Brahmin Sketchy. Ever wondered what happened to pre-war cows? Well, here you go. Great company, perfectly sentient, and almost harmless.”

The one head smiled still though now in a more doting manner. “It’s alright dear, Trust me. If I grew a brain cell every time a stable pony pissed her suit screaming when they first heard me talk, Bip here would be capable of math.”

I peered a little more. “I didn't-” I glanced down to check “-piss myself!” that may have sounded a bit too defensive, gotta deflect. “But umm… what's wrong with him if you don't mind me asking?”

“Oh, Bip? He’s just a few coconuts short of a swallow race is all. Always been like that, always will be. Great listener though! Isn't that right Bip?” She looked to the other head earning something between a gurgle and a sigh. “See?”

“Yeah… it's actually hard to unsee actually. Waaaaait a second! If you’re a she, and he’s your brother… then what-?”

Moonstone bonked me right in the social cues… aka my head! “That's not the kind of thing you ask somebody you just met Sketchy.”

“Owowowow!!” I flopped back in the cart holding my head, firmly reminded of the throbbing hangover I forgot was there! “Could have hit me anywhere else!”

“I’d knock you out of the cart if I hit you anywhere else hard enough to notice. You don't wanna end up like Lucy. And before you say it, yes, it was necessary. Twas the only way to keep the caravan fare under 600.”

That’s an oddly specific number for- I dove for my saddlebag! “MY money!!!” I dug through the bag, I dug through my pipbuck, I even checked under the bags! “You spent all my drug money?!” The most money I’ve ever earned! Gone!

“Yes.” he said rather plainly watching me lose my shit.

“Whyyyy!?” I hissed, no, pleaded for a reason! My forehooves reached out for him, shaking as I shuffled towards him on my hind knees!

He pulled out a little piece of paper with his teeth. “Cause there’s no way you were walking anywhere in your condition. Food, water, medications..” He read the receipt aloud. “Your fair was about a hundred caps because you’ve been out cold the whole time. Mine was free because I agreed to be a guard. And uhh…” he glanced briefly back at Lucy. “The only way we could take Lucy after she kept mouthing off was to gag her and pay out the ass.”

I deflated like my newfound finances. “Easy come easy go I guess…”

“That’s the spirit.” the big buck patted me like everypony seemed so fond of doing. Seriously why are all the pats I get patronizing? Then again the only other kind of pats that exist are getting pat down by security, which I don’t want. “I'm sure you’ll find plenty more given you were able to rake in so much in just your first few days in the wasteland.”

He wasn’t wrong… more has happened to me in the past three…five? “How long was I out?”

“Three days”

“Huh..” -past week than has happened to me in my entire life. Craaap that means I only have a week to figure out if the surface is safe or not! I had so many questions I needed to get answered! Like why does everything suck? How did all these ponies survive? Where are all the settlements and-

“So that's what your thinking face looks like?” Moonstone smiled, forcing me to become self-aware of how I was sitting there with chin on hoof like a sculpture.

“Nah uh!” yeah that’ll teach him. “But that reminds me. Why are you taking me to Applewood?”

“Lucy and I never really told you did we?” He looked westward towards the horizon. “Over the hills there is the Applewood wasteland proper. I’m taking Lucy to one of the pegasi refugee camps that's supposed to be there. Get her back to her unit or whatever. And cause It’s also on the way back to the Academy.”

“Helpful, but that raises even more questions.” I groaned letting my forehooves droop to my sides. I tried to hover out my tome/archive but it only aggravated the pain in my skull quickly flickering out. “Owww…” I groaned louder holding my head.

“Best hold off on straining that brain of yours after the acid bath you put it through. Don't wanna break something and accidentally wet yourself.”

I perked “That can happen?!”

“I dunno. I'm not a unicorn. Can it?” he teased leaning towards me for emphasis.

“Alright, if you’re gonna mess with me, I’m gonna demand some answers in return so I can do my job.” I huffed pointing my ‘demanding stuff’ hoof.

“Ehh, why not? We aren’t exactly getting attacked by butt bandits right now so I’m up for a round of 20-Q. Unless you’ve got other games on that pipbuck there.”

“Nu! None shall threaten my Balefire Command score!” I hissed withdrawing my precious Pipbuck to my personage.

“Hah! Knew you were a nerd~ I prefer Striped Menace though.”

Luna’s horn in my ass now Moonstone was calling me a nerd too! It’s bad enough that a drug-fueled Saint Pinkie called me a nerd but now him too?! “And you! You’re…erm…” Celestia’s tits I need more comebacks!

“Don't hurt yourself, dear. Yer’ makin’ the same face Bip makes when I ask him to divide by nine.” Chimed the brahmin behind our wagon.

“I’m not gonna hurt myself Bi…Bihhhh…” I trailed off looking down at the motherly yet disfigured cattle. I didn’t get her name…

“Biphanny.”

“Biphanny!” I continued without interruption. “I’m just getting tired of everypony I know calling me a nerd.” I growled and started listing off on my hoof. “First my classmates, then my dad, then everypony in the stable, then the voices in my dreams, and even the ministry mares in my drug-fueled blackouts!” I huffed throwing my forehooves in the air. “I don’t need everypony in the wasteland calling me a nerd too.”

“Honey~” Even through the wrinkles, patchy fur, and flies, she still pulled off that almighty doting mother smile and gleam in her eyes. “You are possibly the most skrunkly-looking mare I’ve seen to date. Big ass glasses, carryin’ ‘round a book, and you look like you’d crumple faster than a soda can on a racetrack if a pony so much as looked at you wrong. You’re a nerd sweetie.”

Why must my delicate unicorn ego be battered so? The greatest weakness of my almighty magical lineage is being kicked in the dick repeatedly. I don't even know if skrunkly was a word but it sounds real enough. I flopped back into my crunchy bed and groaned my frustration into the pillow.

Biphanny peered over the wagon. “Oh dear, I didn’t think she’d actually crumple..”

“She's just being overdramatic,” Moonstone assured her as I groaned on the wagon floor.

“Am not..” I groaned in the pillow.

“Are too.”

“Buck you.”

“Glad you agree,” he smugged.

“Grrrr!” I pulled the pillow over my head while the two chuckled at my expense.

The wagons rumbled onward and the throbbing in my head faded in the passing hours. Those five glasses of water got me functional enough to ‘enjoy’ an afternoon taking notes on the surroundings in my archive. The rolling hills, the mountains to the north, the dead grass, and the distant sound of gunshots that echoed off them. Nopony else seemed concerned in the slightest about the sounds, so I shouldn’t either right? The cart driver and Biphanny turned out to be quite informative about the state of wasteland economics.

Apparently, since the war, Equestria either regressed to or reinvented the barter system. Gone are the days when autowagons moved truckloads of the same goods from warehouse to storefront. Back are the days of traveling merchants bouncing from town to town buying low and selling high. Supply and demand at its rawest. Bits have lost all value outside their collectors' value and the materials they’re made of, which according to the wastelanders, varies. This caravan, like many others that make the journey, deals in a substance called ‘Aqua Cura’ and radioactive soil that can be used in some kind of strange reactor. Apparently, the Applewood wasteland is one of the closest sources of those two substances west of Holy Canterlot. Something to do with the coastline and city infrastructure the driver didn’t explain very well.

“Hey Sketchy, you busy?” Moonstone bade me look up from my archive.

I paused my doodles of the cute yellow mare with the cowpony hat two wagons back. Don’t judge me, these illustrations are quite necessary! “Not really?”

“You know how we were backtracking to New-Appleusa to get your free copy of the wasteland survival guide?”

“Uh huuuh… and we're currently going the opposite direction.” I tapped my pipbuck.

“Bet you can’t guess who owns this caravan?” he smiled, hinting with his brows.

“No way…” I closed my book in disbelief. “Please don't tell me I wasted the past two hours researching when I could have been citing someone else instead.”

“If you insist~”

A long pregnant pause formed between us. I stared at him with my archive in my hooves, and he stared at me with that battleaxe and whetstone in hoof. The pause grew and grew like the dumb smirk tugging the corners of Moonstone’s mouth before Bephanny broke into a chuckle. “Oh I get it now, He’s being quiet cause you told him not to tell you exactly what happened. I should use that on Bip later, he’ll have a cow… or a stroke.”

I squinted at the stallion, but not just any squint, one of those lower eyelid first squints so I could bore into his soul while the cow pun gnawed at my own. “You’re jokes are bad and you should feel bad.”

“Hmmm no~” he gave me a pat and ruffled my mane. “I’m feeling pretty good about it actually. I may have died a little on the inside, but seeing you cringe makes cleaning vomit off you for three days worth it.”

“Tell me darn you!” I huffed, shaking a hoof at him.

“What's the magic word?” He asked, using all the smuggium that should be mine!

After much internal agony..I relented. “Please?”

“She’s up in the front wagon with her special buck friend~ you can go up there and meet her next time the caravan makes camp.”

“Finally!” I threw my hooved up high. “My quest fulfills itself once again!”

“I knew you’d appreciate that. Just remember your manners and try not to scream again~”

“Pshhh, Im not gonna scream,” I said, spoken like a mare who totally didn’t scream for all of 0.2 seconds before Moonstone’s hoof was over my muzzle. Would it have killed him to tell me the caravan owner was a zombie?! Or that they could be sentient?!

The wagons pulled off to the side of the road to make camp at sunset. The gentle whistling of the breeze was regularly broken by the sounds of caravan life and the sporadic gunshots echoing from the west. Tents were erected, pegasi were landed, and the caravan leader pulled out a little chalkboard. The mare..zombie.. Ghoul.. Thing.. had a patchy grey coat and the frayed remains of what was once a blonde mane. Much like the only other of her kind I’ve ever seen, the missing chunks of her hide exposed the never-decaying muscle below. Upon the remains of her flank still as fresh as is was in life was her cutiemark, a bunch of bubbles. Maybe she was related to Bubble-Bolt?

“Don’t mind her Ditzy, Sketchy’s just fresh out of the stable is all. Lots of scary things she’s never seen before and all that. Ghouls included.” He chuckled nervously keeping a foreleg wrapped around my face.

My protests were muffled and my nerdy-limbed flailing restrained while the ‘ghoul’ drew on her little chalkboard and turned it around. She never opened her mouth...

“It’s alight. Not first time.” She wrote before wiping it away with her wrist. “Silver Belle suggested ‘1 free scream’ Policy for stable ponies.”

“That's a pretty generous policy miss, Must get tiring having stable newbies scream when they wander into your store huh?” his leg tightened around my face at the mention of screaming.

Am I the only one having flashbacks to that one zombie that hissed, gargled, and schlorped its way after me?! Or getting yanked underwater and marehandle by a thousand undead mes?! It's a zombie! An undead!, an unholy abomination unto the goddesses that should be purged in holy fire and-!

“Bringing another to my shop for the free copy again?” said the chalkboard being flipped again.

“Guilty as charged.” he smiled disarmingly “You wouldn't happen to have one would you?” That smile soft didn't line up with how firmly he was squeezing my head to his chest. So masculine and..warm… mmm…fruit smell.

“Yes! I always bring a few. Take one” She trotted over to a satchel sitting at the head of the lead wagon and came back with a black-ish book in her teeth. It looked like it was made of a dozen different books stapled together.

Nevermind! A thousand blessings upon her immortal lineage! I pounced from Moonstone's grip with newfound strength, taking the book into my TK and hooves. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!!” I wiggled in place and held the book high as weeks melted off my quest. “Ehehehehe! You’re so much nicer than the last one I met. Handing out free books and not biting my face off. Ya smell better, a whole lot prettier, and also aren't biting my face off. Did I mention not biting my face off?” I grinned rocking in place and holding the book close.

Both Moonstone and Ditzy were reasonably taken aback by my sudden eagerness, briefly glancing to each other.

“Not that kind of ghoul.” She wrote.

Moonstone came back, placing a hoof on my shoulder to stop me from rocking. “So that’s why you screamed like a filly? You’ve only ever met feral ones?”

“Yes…Well, technically I’ve only seen one before, but it was in a dark room ankle-deep in soup made of its own steamed flesh.” I said making a nearby caravan pony pause his work turning a bit green.

“It glorped and sloshed, and its skin was waterlogged to the point of transparency. It was a whole lot scarier at the time, but I think I may have crammed that whole situation into the part of my brain where I keep all my other mental scars.” I tapped my head while that caravan stallion was getting greener and struggling to not gag while dragging a crate.

“And if I recall..” I tapped my head trying to knock the repressed memory loose. “It pried itself out of a pile of boiled-together bodies in the soup and crawled at me with three broken legs. It was gnashing and-”

Moonstone’s hoof was right back to my mouth. “Ooookay, that's enough story time for you. You’re about to make some of the caravan workers spew their lunches.” A few nearby mumbled nauseated thanks and quickly found work to do away from me.

Ditzy wrote on her board again. “That’s a feral.”

Preying the hoof off this time “A feral?”

She scribbled more giving her scraggling wings a flap. “Yes, a very degraded one.”

“Well yeah that makes sense. Just like zombies from those pre-war comic books right? Moving around without any organs to hold it all together? Smeltery is cold but hammers are still swinging?”

“Smelter?” Ditzy replied in chalk tilting her head and the board a little. That one eye looking off towards an orange evening cloud.

I facehoofed, of course, they don't know metallurgy or mining sayings from my stable. It's only been 200 years of cultural isolation to come up with new ones. “You’re undead, so you're falling apart and your brain eventually goes too, right?”

Moonstone and the few caravan ponies that remained nearby winced.

“What? What I say?” I asked, looking around at all the ponies acting like I accidentally called a fat mare pregnant. “Is that not how biology works anymore?”

Moonstone spoke first. “The whole ghouls turning feral thing is a very touchy subject in the wasteland. Entire towns have been destroyed debating the subject. It’s the justification of almost every single anti-ghoul law in existence.”

“Hol’ up hol’ up hooold uuuup! You’re telling me I was right for once?!”

Ditzy with mood dropping took a minute to write more on the board. “It’s a very unpleasant topic. Yes, some ghouls can turn feral without warning. They die. Towns ban ghouls. Many towns won't let my caravan in because of me.”

“But…but..” I looked down at the new book and my hooves and then back to the half-decayed mare. “You’re the chillest ghoul I’ve met thus far!”

“That's not a very high bar Sketchy…” Moonstone added.

“Grrr… okay, allow me to rephrase that then. You're one of the chillest ponies I’ve met thus far. Everypony else has either wanted something, insulted me, or actively tried to eat me. Only pony who’s got you beat so far is Moonstone! And I mean look at him.” I gestured at the big white earth stallion next to me. “I only recently learned little old mares crossing streets were actually real! And he’s the most likely pone to help them cross said streets.”

“Do..do I really come off as that much of a Mary Sue?” he asked looking between us.

“Yes.” Ditzy and I nodded in unison, her derped eye bobbing around until resting on the mountains to the north.

“Hey, I have flaws! Nopony’s perfect.” he protested.

“Oh yeah? Name one.” I sat, folding my hooves.

“Well for one I’m a mercenary.. ya know. I kill ponies and look intimidating for a living.”

Ditzy raised her board. “Mostly raiders? As Caravan guard?”

“Well yes, but…”

She erased and lifted it again with a small raspy giggle. “Goody 4 shoes.”

“Ha! She called you a goody four shoes.” I chuckled with the ghoul. Seems even undeath can’t kill humor~

Moonstone groaned with brows falling into an acute glower. “I’m not a goody four shoes, I’m nice, Polite,.. gregarious even! I’m fully capable of-”

“Moonstone look! A lost kitten is about to cross the street!” I pointed behind him.

He spun around in an instant looking around “Where?!”

To say I could barely contain the snickering was an understatement. I was leaking snickers, giggles, and snorts like…uhh.. I jab at Tulip-Patch too much, so lets go with ‘leaked like that one sink on B2’. So by leaking I mean “Ahahaha!! Hehehehee!! He actually Lohohohooked! Ahah!” Rolling on the ground laughing at the perturbed stallion’s expense..

“Oh, har har very cute..” His glower was back with a vengeance. “I figured you and Lucy would be nicer to me given how much I go out of my way for you two. But apparently it's just open season to pick on the goody-4-shoes.”

While I was busy still rolling on the floor, Ditzy smiled with her remaining teeth and wrote something else. “She’s picks on you cause she likes you.” Scribble scribble~ “Only friends can tease eachother like that without being mean.”

I sat up. “Wait a second… friends?” The concept still felt so weird to say. “So that whole getting shot in the ass thing was real?!”

Ditzy blinked and turned to moonstone before writing more. “You shot her in the ass?”

Moonstone scratched his mane. “Well..it was an accident.”

Ditzy rasped a laugh and wrote. “Your doomed” before extending her cold dead hooves to both of us and squishing us all together in one big hug.

It was like being hugged by the grandma I never had… a very cold, dead grandma who had bits of exposed flesh touching me. Fortunately, the cold smell of death was balanced out by Moonstone’s warmth and pleasant fruit smell. I even managed not to gag! Go me! There was one little thing though I couldn’t let go. “You misspelled ‘you’re’.”

Moonstone looked down at me. “Wow, didnt know I rescued a grammar zebra.” He looked back to ditzy. “Can I trade her in?”

Ditzy shook her head no and held all three of us together, scraggly pega wings fluttering behind her.

As nice as this hug was having the warmth sucked out of me on one side and poured into me on the other… my ear twitched. There was something distant but it sounded so…familiar somehow. A beat.. made with some kind of trumpet and piano…whatever a piano was. “Does anypony else hear that?”

“Hear what?” Moonstone asked looking down at me, his own ears perking up trying to hear.

The sound grew steadily louder and mixed with the commotion of the caravan camp. “Well it sounds kinda like a beat?... I think I hear words too.” I strained to hear with with every passing second it grew easier.

“And uhh.. What’s it saying?” He asked with a growing tinge of concern, even Ditzy started to frown a little and look at me.

I repeated them best I could. “Coltifornia knows how to party.. In the ‘citay’ of L and P… In the city…the city of..Clopton?” I did my best sound out out as it came to me.

Moonstone’s expression dropped. “Oh, horseapples! RACERS!” He yelled out to the rest of the camp and in a moment put all his weight into tackling me and Ditzy.

The camp erupted into panicked screams and ponies dashing off the ruined asphalt. The world slowed down in the embrace of the tackling Moonstone. Within a second of being tackled, the highway erupted into a stampede of hooves, screaming steel, and gunfire.

“Out of the fucking way!!” reverberated in the air as the most in-tact auto-wagon I'd seen to date screamed on by. The rusted bullet-hole-riddled hull of an autowagon was being pulled by a pack of slavering pega-ghouls a dozen strong. Each was lashed together with ropes, blinded by metal plates nailed over the eyes, and any body part not covered in rusty spiked plates was impaled by even bigger spikes going in one side and out the other.

“Welcome to the Wild Wild West, a city as untouchable as a ministry nest.
Tracks hit your ear like a slug to your chest. Cause there's a lack of less in the city of sex.” Boomed from various speakers strapped all over the wagon’s exterior.

Much like the ghouls, the auto-wagon was adorned bumper to bumper in spikes, plates, and rebar. What little of the body left exposed showed flaking white paint and tarnished chrome. Many of the spikes were adorned with skulls and bloody rags… just like the drivers! Having clearly once been an autowagon with an inside, it has since been converted into a more open-air murder carriage with a prominent seat at the front. A makeshift flagpole bearing a pink sheet with three vertical red lines sticking out of the backseat among a pile of ammo boxes. Two ponies were up front, A raggedy pale blue earther in spiky leather bearing his teeth and cracking the reins to the ghouls. His partner, a dirty red unicorn, had her horn glowing and her mouth open screaming bloody murder as she unloaded a ramshackle SMG at the wagon behind them.. And anypony nearby.

“We in the South-Luna coast where the zebra hemp be

The land where you neva’ find a dance floor empty”

The next Auto-wagon could hardly be called such, it was more a bulky emerald-cut box of hardened steel on wheels. I’d only ever read about robo-ponies in school, a technological achievement created by the Robronco company and widely adopted by the Ministry of Wartime Technology. Now I wasn’t seeing just one, but a dozen being used to pull the steel monstrosity. The SMG’s small caliber rounds sparked and ricocheted off the robo-ponies who charged ahead unflinching. Like the wagon ahead of them they also had a banner blowing in the wind, blue with a winged sword surrounded by apples. In the driver's seats were another two ponies, that just like their spinning rims, gleamed with ancient chrome. Clad head to tail in thick plates of something else from the history books, Power armor. Suits that turned pre-war soldiers into one-pony armies. Bullet-proof, magically resistant, stronger than 20 stallions, all the benefits of a pipbuck, and- “Out of the way peasants! Were attempting to win thine admiration here! Squire! put these tribal savages in the ground would you?” Holy horseapples they talk just like B-Rad!

“Yes sire!” answered the 2nd smaller one as a pod deployed from his shoulder and a red aiming reticule came down over his visor.

As fast as they arrived the racing wagons rode past us in a cloud of small rocks, fading music, and dust. The last things seen were streams of smoke shooting out the front of the blocky wagon followed by clusters of small explosions around the pointy wagon in the lead.

Time, unfortunately, resumed resulting in a very heavy Moonstone landing on top of me! Crushed like my hopes and dreams of a threesome with Bronze and PJ, the air was squished out of me. “Ack!” I wheezed, flailing under the big heroic stallion until he got off of us. Luna’s horn in my ass he was heavy!!

“You two okay? Anyone hurt?” he looked between us while I lay there in a small me-shaped crater wheezing and glasses skewed. Tiny princesses circling my head.

Ditzy got up with ease and nodded in assurance before looking back at the rest of the caravan, several ponies were crying out.

I struggled to drag myself upright and get my glasses back on when another caravan mare, the cute yellow one with the cowpony hat, ran up to us. “Boss mare, Wagon five got sprayed. Mareian caught several rounds ‘er legs and muh’ left wheels dun’ got shredded.”

Moonstone perked. “Wagon five?.. Lucy!!” He, ditzy, and the cute mare ran off leaving me to cough and straighten my glasses.

I'd been left alone, surrounded by recovering caravan goers checking for injuries. The pegasi were back up in the air patrolling for more racers and… buck! My glasses were cracked again! Now I’m upset!

I got up, shook myself off, and started marching up the hill the two wagons just went over. “Try to run over my new friends, will they? After everything I’ve been through this past week?!” I drew my magic flintlock and climbed/walked up the hill cranking the gun to capacity. Glowing and sparking with energy as I hovered it alongside me I crested the hill, the setting sun in my face.

A city, or at least the remains of one, sprawled in the goddess rays of the setting sun like a halo. Countless towers of glass and steel stood as a monument to the ingenuity of those who came before. Even as a broken shadow of its former self, each building looked like it could house all of 83 a few times over, the ones that weren’t leaning or broken in half that is. The longer I looked and mentally compared to the pictures from Miss Appleboom’s history book the more it looked…wrong. I mean balefire blasts will do that to a city but this wasn’t leveled… it was smashed and seeping with a glowing green fog.

Focus me! “Alright, where’d you wastes of genetic material drive off to?! We had the bucking right-of-way!” Foallike wonder aside, I looked around for the ‘racers’ along the highway leading into the city. The road split in two under a green bullet-riddled sign hanging onto its supports for dear life. It read ‘Downtown Applewood’ above a down arrow and ‘Los Pegasus’ under an up arrow. Somepony even spraypainted ‘Cherri-Streams Rulez’ in pink above where Applewood was written. More of those red-striped banners hung from the sign too. Further down on the Los Pegasus side the road abruptly stopped at a ramp. “What the hay…” I squinted, adjusting my glasses, and looked at the ramp, and then the city, then back to the sign, then the city. “oh…OH!”

The sun fell further reducing the glare revealing the truth. Los Pegasus was a city atop another city, or in this case ‘dropped’ on another city. That's why it looks like there were more buildings than space for them! How did the ancients even get a city in the sky? I know the goddesses can do some amazing things but- “There they are!!”

The grassy vale the highway rested in spilled out into a sprawling expanse of smaller and smaller hills sloping down into a carpet of 1-2 story ruins that eventually sloped back up into sky-scrapers and spires. The two wagons were about to disappear into the streets of that carpet where I’d likely never see them again. They were far away, moving fast, and had sporadic cover from the ruins, dead trees, and the collapsed remains of the old highway. Still, what kind of mare would I be if I didn't try and teach them a lesson? My flintlock may be nearly as inaccurate as Lucy, but it kicks ass when it hits! Which I might! Just gotta line up the shot.. Hold my mouth just right aaaaaand…

PWOOOOOOOMM!~

I’d have to ask Lucy for more spark batteries but the valley cracked with the thunderous shot reverberating off the mountains. The Glowing red streak of magic zipped across the sky and.. Hit one of the support beam joints holding up the highway sign. It stayed upright for a few moments, but the glowing joint in the framework began to fold, leading to the final collapse of the ancient sign kicking up a cloud of debris.

I winced and seethed. “Hssss… ahh… ooooh that's bad. That's really bad…” I backstepped away from the hilltop feeling countless unseen eyes upon my pony personage. The city and surrounding suburbs erupted into wonton gunfire, like a great beast roaring back at a new challenger. Tracer rounds, magic beams, and what I learned to be fireworks went up in the air, asserting their presence. “How many ponies live here?”

The last I saw of the racers were the four of them looking up in my direction before vanishing into the ruined streets and resuming their fight. At least I didn't hit the big ass ‘APPLEWOOD’ sign on the hill north of here. Though it looks like somepony already got to a few of the letters…

‘zzziiip- PING!”

A round exploded one of the nearby shards of cracked asphalt adding yet another small pothole to to route-10.

Looking at the new hole jaw agape “I should… go check on Lucy. Yeah, check on Lucy, and make sure she’s okay. Before I get shot..” I backed away from the hilltop faster and as soon as I felt out of view of the city turned and bolted down the hill whistling as innocently as I could.

At the bottom of the hill, it felt like the camp was staring at me too. Being the center of attention had never been my forte so I did my best to keep that innocent whistling going and quickly skitter to wagon five.

The caravan had started rapidly packing camp back up. Biphany, Moonstone, and Lucy all sat near wagon five looking perfectly unscathed. Seemed the only major injury was the teal blue ‘Mareian’ getting her left foreleg bandaged with three slowly growing red splotches.

“Oh thank Celestia you’re okay Lucy,” I said approaching her and Moonstone. “Why uhh.. Why is everypony packing up? We just got here?”

Moonstone sighed and opened his mouth to speak but a surprisingly un-gagged Lucy stepped right in. “Cause you bucking announced where we were to all of raider country like an Imbecile!”

“I…I what?” I meeped and shrank, the world getting much larger around me.

Moonstone used a hoof to gently pull Lucy back. “What Lucy means to say is that since the caravan was spotted by the racers they need to change routes to avoid raiders that now know where they are.”

“And..” Lucy added with a glare.

“Aaaand tend to their wounded at a friendlier…closer settlement. Meaning instead of passing the enclave refugee camp on their way to the coast, Ditzy elected to dip south to Dayglow-Spa and get their Aqua-cura shipment there.”

“AND?!” Lucy barked looking like she was about to strain something.

“Annd… cause you kinda announced to all of Applewood where the caravan was,” he mumbled and smiled sheepishly. “So if we're going to reach the refugee camp now we gotta split from the caravan..”

“Oh…”

“OH?! All you have to say is OH?! I spent three days gagged with a filthy rag while you were high off your ass! Now you’ve cost us our safe passage to the refugee camp right before we get there?!”

“Eep!” I shrank further as Lucy scolded me.

“Lucy, Lucy calm down!” Moonstone did his best to reel the pega-mare in before she went off too much. “This is no different than the time you flew straight up in the air and yelled where the raiders were. You even pointed at them, called them dumb, and flew right back down to me.”

“That was…different.” she stammered folding her hooves.

“Cause you did it?” Moonstone raised a brow.

“No, cause…cause…ughh! Plucking surface ponies blaming the enclave for everything.” she grumbled turning the pout-meter up to 11. “Stupid raiders… and their stupid seeing eyes.”

The one mare with the cowpony hat on her head and cutiemark came over with Ditzy in tow. “Ah’ see everpony is fit as a fiddle then? No extra holes in yer’ asses? No limbs blown off? Tits n’ bits still attached?”

“Crude, but yes we're fine.” huffed Lucy still pouting in the back.

“Yeah…” I glanced around awkwardly. “Okay so this is gonna sound weird but this is like the 7th time I've seen you around and haven't gotten your name yet?” I worked that winning smile just like Moonstone does. I may have put the caravan in danger but now that PJ and Bronze were off the market It wouldn’t hurt to try hitting on surface mares right? RIGHT?!

“Oh, right, Gotta have introductions before your goodbyes n’ all that. I’m Lasso-Lean… former co-owner of wagon five.” The dejected mare looked over to the broken wagon being rapidly stripped for parts and cargo to load onto other wagons. “Replacin’ the wheels would take too long on the road.. An’ we ain't got time for that now.” She glared a bit…at me. I in turn looked away whistling as innocently as I could…to the point of coughing.

Ditzy turned her board. “Sketchy didn’t know, She’s new.”

“Ah know bossmare, but it was still one of muh’ wagons. Ah’ only got three ah the things.” Lasso groaned. “Still, it was nice meeting yall.” She looked to Moonstone. “The rest of yer’ payment will be forwarded to yer’ parent’s account at the Academy, and uhh… me and Ditzy here for lack ah’ better words.. Or words at all wish ya’ well on your journey to.. wherever you’re going.”

“Maybe we’ll run into each other again at a later date? Maybe get a suspiciously large jug of wild pegasus and reminisce about this situation as just one big funny accident.” Work winning smile work! Slay mares like your dad apparently used to!

“That uhh, let’s maybe not…” Having adjusted her hat and firmly putting a very sexily accented dagger in my chest she walked off to join the rest of the leaving caravan.

“Ohhh shot down, harsh luck darling.” Lucy commented watching the cowpony leave too. “Too few wings for my taste, but I’m sure by surfacer standards she was the prettiest mare in the caravan.”

I don't know what was more shocking, Lucy’s complete tone shift, or that she picked up I was trying to hit on Lasso. “Hey, I thought you were mad at me.”

“I ‘Was’ mad at you.. But then after a few direly-needed moments to collect myself I realized you went up that hill to try and shoot the ruffians that nearly killed me. So now I’m just mad at the situation we're in.” she patted me too. “I’m sure you understand~”

“I..”

“Excellent! Glad we're on the same page. Now where is my new saddle bag.” Even Lucy walked off.

Ditsy’s eye drifted but she wrote something new. “Is she always that fickle?”

“Yes..” Moonstone signed. “But she's stuck with us this far.”

“Friend?” Ditzy wrote next.

“Well..” I started before she wrote more.

“Shot you in the ass too?”

“Yes.” I facehoofed.

“Doomed!” Ditzy wrote again, smiling before writing another message. “You three be safe~ Sketchy check bag.” She waved and started walking to join the rest of the caravan dipping south.

I looked in my saddlebag and hovered out a burlap baggie that rattled when I shook it. “What's this?” Opening it I found the sack was full of loose spark-batteries like the ones that go in my flintlock. “Thanks, Ditzy!” I waved back watching the caravan go.

They walked away, headed south for a place called Dayglow-Spa, my eyes drifting from the ghoul and her scraggly wings, to the much more alive cowpony walking next to her. I swear by the goddesses only earth ponies can make mild dirt and grime look good. That pale yellow coat, that hot pink mane poking out from under her hat bobbing with every step, that tail, that bucking accent like the stallion on the spritebot had. The fact that her cutie mark was a cowboy hat identical to the one she wore, printed squarely on the fine working-mare rear-

“Sketchy?” Moonstone stated behind me making me jump a bit.

“Ah- Y-Yeah?”

“Are you done visually molesting that cowpony?”

I breathed wrong and broke into a coughing fit and quickly looked in every direction Lasso-Lean wasn’t in. “I-I uhhh.. have no idea what you’re talking about Lasso- I mean Moonstone.”

“Does she stare at my flank like that?” Lucy asked.

“N-no!” I protested flawlessly.

“Uh-huh… sure, you don’t.” Moonstone turned “Let’s get going, It’s getting dark and I know a place we can stay near here.” he added hoisting his gear up onto his withers. “Let's go~”

With a smile, a wave, and a new book in my bag, we parted from Ditzy’s caravan, venturing Northword into the Applewood Suburbs.

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Caravan hand (rank 1)

-You've become familiar with caravan life. However eventful or short your stint with them was you’ve learned Brahmin are great conversationalists with tons of advice, economic or otherwise.