This Ain't Cupcakes XXX

When Meteor Gleam regained consciousness, she found herself in a dark room. She felt the numbness of a magic suppression ring around her horn. It hadn’t been jammed down onto her, like Dr. Atmosphere had done in his desperate act of criminality. The ring was gently pressed into place by somepony who knew how to put one on without causing any pain.

Meteor struggled to move, but braces around her chest and limbs glued her to a rack formed from a series of sturdy planks, which spread her legs wide apart. Meteor looked down at her own exposed hindquarters. The warm creampie Peri had gifted her was gone, and her vulva glistened with fresh saliva.

“Babe, I can move my wings!” Perihelion called out excitedly. He was bound next to her and he fluttered frantically. “Oh, I can’t fly, though. Meteor, I’m scared!”

“I-it’s probably just some weird Ponyville drama, right?” Meteor Gleam looked to her husband for reassurance. “You read about this in the newspaper all the time. Like that time when there were a million Pinkie Pies all screwing each other..”

“Did somepony say ‘Pinkie Pie?’” screamed Pinkie Pie, jumping suddenly in front of them. A spotlight shone on the party pony, illuminating a underground dungeon that looked like the back room of a Manehattan sex shop. The floor was covered with novelties: kinky cuffs and chains, erotic piñatas, and large leaking barrels of lubricant. Up on the ceiling, sex dolls filled with helium gently bumped each other. The far wall was covered by a large white sheet, which somepony insane (it was probably Pinkie) had decorated with the saying “Life is a party.”

“Oh, hi, Pinkie.” Perihelion tried to wave with a wing. “Thanks for coming to rescue me and my wife!”

Pinkie scowled. “Keep up, would ya, guys? I’m the one who brought you down here!”

“It was worth a shot, babe,” Meteor Gleam told him.

“So, you’re married, huh?” Pinkie Pie pouted. “It’s not fair! Mares like you keep taking all the hot guys! What’s wrong with Pinkie? I’ve got a fun personality, a great ass, and I can tie balloon animals with my gag reflex!” Pinkie shoved 5 long, phallic balloons down her throat and seconds later pulled out a life-sized sculpture of a pony cock.

“But nooo!” The earth pony took a sharp needle from a tray of scary looking medical equipment and viciously popped the balloons, one by one. “All the stallions go and kiss Twilight’s scrawny butt just because she’s a princess now!” Peri winced and his sheath twitched with sympathetic pain to watch the earth pony symbolically destroy the dick she’d been denied.

“Please, just let us go!” Meteor Gleam pleaded. “We won’t tell anypony about this!”

“You won’t tell anypony?” Pinkie Pie yelled. “Then how the heck am I supposed to spread the word about my BDSM classes?” She pounded Meteor’s wooden rack with a sturdy hoof. “Do you think this equipment is cheap?”

“But we didn’t sign up for a BDSM class!” Peri protested. “We just wanted to bake with you!”

“Nope!” Pinkie insisted firmly. “The baking lesson was at three o’clock sharp, and you missed it! Now it’s 3:45, and time for organ harvesting!”

“AAAAAAAAAH!” Meteor Gleam and Perihelion screamed at once.

Pinkie Pie tapped her muzzle thoughtfully. “Huh, I should probably call this something else,” she mused. “I get a lot of screams with that one. But, I think my work speaks for itself!” She gripped the large white sheet in her mouth and yanked it to the floor. Against the wall of her dungeon were shelves that held piles of severed, erect stallion penises, and whole hindquarters carved from the bodies of mares.

“AAAAAAAAAH!”

“Oh, shit! Oh, shit!” Perihelion gasped. “Pinkie Pie is a serial killer!”

“We have to escape and warn Princess Celestia!” squealed Meteor Gleam.

Pinkie smirked. “Why don’t ya talk to her now? I’ve got her right here!” The mad party pony reached onto one of the shelves and took down a dismembered ass that bore Celestia’s royal cutie marks. She held the grotesque thing in front of Meteor Gleam as the bound unicorn squirmed with utmost horror. “Speak up, and don’t forget to curtsy! You’re in the presence of royalty!”

“No! It’s not possible!” The kind Princess who’d saved Meteor and Peri from Dr. Atmosphere’s evil schemes, and treated them to an unforgettable threeway, was dead! Murdered and butchered by her own trusted Element of Laughter!

Pinkie Pie lapped like a batpony at the thick red blood oozing from the princess’ vagina. She put on the snooty voice of a Canterlot courtier. “Ooh, your majesty, you taste so good!” Pinkie winked at her captive audience and snickered. “Heh heh... that’s cause I filled her with homemade strawberry jam!”

“Wait!” Meteor Gleam called out. “Are these things fake?”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “Yep! Good old silicone and earth pony knowhow!” She cupped her front hooves over her mouth and loudly whispered: “That’s also what’s in Rarity’s tits, but you didn’t hear it from me!”

“But it looks like you killed a bunch of ponies and cut out their privates!”

Pinkie Pie stood on her hind legs and put her hooves on her hips. “Well, that’s just silly, silly!” she pouted. “Don’t you think ponies would notice if Celestia was walking around with no rump? Heck, that thing has its own Royal Guard code name! They call it the Cake Vault!”

“Where did these even come from?” asked Perihelion.

“I make a cast of everypony I bang! That way I’m guaranteed plenty of guests for all my sexy parties!” Pinkie’s curly hair abruptly went limp and a shadow fell over her face. “Even if my so-called ‘friends’ abandon me again...” she muttered.

“Why didn’t you just explain this instead of creeping us out?”

Pinkie’s hair puffed back out to its normal curly state. “That’s even more silly, silly!” she piped up cheerfully. “If everypony explained their easily misunderstood actions, nothing exciting would ever happen in Ponyville!”

Meteor Gleam sighed with relief. Pinkie Pie wasn’t an insane killer, just an insane sex maniac. “Now that that’s cleared up, what if you untie us, and we’ll reschedule that baking lesson?”

“Aww, but you just got here! What kind of party would this be if you didn’t even cum so hard you passed out?”

“A regular party?”

“Ugh. Regular. So boring! You out-of-towners need to loosen up, and that means tight bondage and forced orgasms! Come on, we’ll start with everypony’s favourite fetish — tickle torture!”

“Welp, this is going to be a long afternoon,” observed Meteor Gleam. Pinkie Pie picked up a brush in her mouth and leaned over to tickle the unicorn’s cutie mark with the soft bristles. Meteor’s flank twitched with discomfort, which Pinkie Pie mistook for arousal.

“That’s it,” Pinkie panted cheerfully. “There’s nothing wrong with a couple of gals exploring each others’ bodies. Ya know, the cutie mark is a mare’s most sensitive erogenous zone!”

“What about the clit?” asked Meteor.

“The clitoris is a myth! Nopony’s ever found one! At least, that’s what the stallions tell me.”

“We can help you find yours... if you let us go?”

“LIES!” Pinkie screamed. The brush fell out of her mouth and onto the lube covered floor. “You think you know better than me, huh? You think you’re hot shit in bed just because you’re cute, and strong, and super duper stacked, and oh my gosh I want you so so bad? Well, I’ll just have to ruin your husband for any other pony!”

Pinkie Pie reached over to stroke Perihelion’s chest floof and aggressively kissed several hickeys up his neck, keeping angry eye contact with Meteor Gleam while she did. “Meteor, I’m sorry about this!” Peri told his wife as his dick spilled out of its sheath. “But we did agree, free pass, right?”

“I love you, babe,” Meteor reassured him. “We’ll get through this together.”

“No matter how many loads she pulls out of me with that thicc earth pony body, you’ll always have my heart!”

“I get it! Have fun, honey!” Meteor Gleam cursed herself for skipping that article in the latest Cosmarepolitan magazine, “How To Cuckquean Without Losing Him To Some Trashy Whore.”

“Ooh, yeah,” Pinkie Pie whispered seductively in Peri’s ear, gently stroking the last few inches into his stiffening cock. “Just let it happen, big guy. Once you go Pinkie, you’ll never go... slinky? Geeze, I really should’ve had that one ready ahead of time.”

Meteor Gleam shuddered nervously. Pinkie Pie’s horny antics were famous all across Equestria. There were rumours that Princess Cadance had invented the trendy new “birth control” spell just to keep the Element of Laughter out of trouble. An hour ago, freshly massaged and full of cock, Meteor had been supremely confident that she could keep her new husband faithful. Now she wasn’t so sure.

We share each other all the time, she reminded herself. Just yesterday he promised to love me til death do us part! I trust him... but I can’t trust him with her!

With this shadow over Meteor Gleam’s heart, Perihelion’s huge erection felt like a betrayal. It wasn’t any bigger or stiffer than what he produced for Meteor, but this one wasn’t for her! This one was for Pinkie, and Pinkie loved it. Their captor’s eyes grew bigger with each throb and each leak of clear pearly fluid from the tip of Equestria’s most perfect cock. The party pony licked her lips lasciviously, sniffed Peri’s musk, and let herself drool.

“Wowie zowie, that is a big red licorice stick!” Pinkie closed her eyes and repeated to herself: “It’s not really candy. Don’t bite! It’s not really candy.” She opened her eyes and gave a big grin. “Blowjob time!” She shoved her muzzle halfway onto Perihelion’s dick and bit down.

“Owww!”

“Oops! Sorry!” Pinkie spit out Peri’s dick and covered her teeth marks with kisses. “The red ones and the black ones always confuse me!” she explained. “Then there was the guy who looked like a candy cane, but he had bigger problems!”

“M-maybe you can ruin me for other ponies some other way?” Peri asked hopefully.

“Now you‘re thinkin’!” Pinkie turned to her wall of sex toys and started talking to herself. “Let’s see... something he can’t get at home... ooh, that’s tough, she seems like a huge slut... aha!”

With an evil smile, Pinkie turned and presented the couple with an ominous sex sleeve shaped like nothing Meteor had ever seen. The horrible toy looked like some evil, slimy sea creature, a parasite that attached itself to stallion cocks and fed on sperm.

“I made this out of Dashie’s fowl-mouthed griffon friend,” Pinkie explained. “Ooh, what a meanie pants! She said so much bad stuff I just had to take her tongue all the way up my coochie! Now we’re frenemies with benefits!”

Perihelion quivered in his bonds. “W-what is that thing?”

“It’s a cloaca! The zaniest genital!” Pinkie Pie used two hooves to tug open the sex toy’s opening and forced it over the head of Perihelion’s cock. Lube squirted out the other end of the toy and landed on Pinkie’s face, making her giggle. Pinkie got a firm grip on the slick silicone and began jacking the cloaca up and down Peri’s stallionhood in steady, footlong strokes.

“Hey, mister,” she cackled in a Griffonstone accent. “Ya got a pretty nice cock... for a dweeb! Gwahahah!”

“Take it back!” Meteor Gleam shouted. “That’s my husband! You’re the dweeb!”

Peri didn’t seem to mind being called a dweeb. He was entranced watching the griffon sex toy squeeze and gobble up his shaft. “I’m terrified, but this feels amazing!” he blurted out.

“Heh, and they said sweet little Pinkie would never master the scaregasm!”

“Babe, I’m sorry, but nothing’s ever felt this way!” Peri panted. “It’s like a pussy and an ass at the same time!”

“That’s cause it’s both! Make up your mind, ya silly hole! Clo-wocka-wocka-wocka! Wish I had a dong so I could feel it! Wait a minute!” Pinkie ducked down out of their view and popped back up wearing a large black strapon. “I do have a dong! And it‘s frickin’ huge!”

The easily distracted earth pony moved her attentions back to Meteor Gleam. She reared up, dropped her front legs onto Meteor’s bondage table and prodded the head of her dildo against the unicorn’s unprotected vulva, preparing to fuck her captive in a strange, un-ponylike face to face position.

“I cast this from the biggest stud in Ponyville!” Pinkie explained cheerfully. “At least, he was the biggest, until your guy showed up! All in a day’s work, right, cutie? Pussies like ours were just made to cuddle big pony peckers!”

Meteor Gleam nodded, much more enthusiastically than she’d meant to. Watching Pinkie tease her husband with the bizarre griffon toy had her pussy on fire. She tried to blame this on the drugged cupcake, but she had to admit this was all her. Meteor was as horny as a high school nerd about to head behind the bleachers with the entire hoofball team.

“F-free pass, Peri!” she whimpered, fighting the guilt as the thick flare of Pinkie’s dildo spread her well fucked lips. “You wanted to share me, right?”

“Awe, yeah!” Perihelion cried out, struggling to reach his untouched dick with his wings. “Pinkie Pie’s banging my wife! This is so hawt!”

Pinkie speared her cock between Meteor’s legs and the two mares moaned together. “Yeah, clench down on it!” Pinkie squealed. “Choke my big fat party favour with your friendship funnel!” The blissful look on Pinkie’s face was like Peri’s when he went ring deep in her. Was Pinkie somehow feeling real pleasure through the fake dong? What sort of earth pony magic was in this “silicone” she spoke of?

Maybe this was good, actually. Once Pinkie scratched the itch and fucked some sense into her, Meteor would be free to come up with an escape plan. Maybe she could convince the bubbly pony to take off that magic suppression ring, “just for a hornjob.” Pinkie was deceptively strong, but a barrier spell might hold her at hooves length so that Meteor Gleam could free herself.

But Pinkie wasn’t fucking sense into Meteor Gleam at all. Instead, sense was slipping further and further away, dissolving her mind in an ocean of pleasure. Every time Pinkie bucked her hips, Meteor fell deeper under her spell. Submitting to the Element of Laughter was like chewing sex flavoured bubble gum. She was playful, chaotic, sweet and irresistible.

“Does your precious hubby treat you like this?” Pinkie snarled in Meteor’s ear. “Does he call you nasty names while he conquers your cunt and makes you his little unicorn slut?”

“Yeah, he does!” Meteor confessed. “And I love it!”

“Aww, that’s great! What a fun relationship!”

“Ms. Pie, what about me?” asked Perihelion. The griffon sex toy had his abandoned dick wobbling back and forth, providing just enough stimulation to keep him stiff.

Pinkie scoffed. “Later, kid. Can’t you see I’m busy?” The two mares gazed deep into each others’ eyes, and for Meteor Gleam everything seemed to fade away but the face of her lover. They kissed slowly and tenderly. Pinkie’s mouth tasted like the sweetest of mint frosting. Meteor Gleam was madly in love with her husband, but now she saw he wasn’t quite perfect. Perihelion had one little flaw: he wasn’t Pinkie Pie.

“You’re amazing, Pinkie,” Meteor whispered. “You’re in so deep! Peri can only get it in to the medial ring!”

“What?” Perihelion sounded heartbroken. “Babe, you never told me my dick was too big!”

Plunged back into reality, Meteor Gleam tried to save her husband’s feelings. “Y-you’re not too big, Peri!” she assured him. “You’re a great size! It’s just... hungh! She’s all the way in! Oh, Celestia be praised!”

As she came, Meteor Gleam ruefully remembered another Cosmarepolitan article: “10 Ways To Tell Your Stallion His Dick Is Too Small... Wait, He’s Too Big? Stop Complaining, Bitch! Here’s 10 Stretching Exercises Instead!” Coming down from her orgasm, she decided she was going to cancel her subscription. The articles in Cosmarepolitan weren’t very sex positive.

“Please, Pinkie...” Meteor gasped. “Y-you had your fun... now, please, no more lesbian bondage sex?”

“Nah, this party’s just getting started!” Pinkie Pie kissed Meteor hard, the way Peri did after a full day of teasing, at the moment he decided he’d had enough and he was going to take her. “I can tell we’ve got chemistry, now let’s bring in a little electricity!”

“AAAAAAAAH!” Meteor Gleam screamed. “Wait a minute... what’s electricity?”

Pinkie held up a small, heavy box with two long metal wires connected to it. “Earth ponies don’t have magic or cool wings,” she explained, “so when we want to get kinky, we gotta do a science! If you wanted to destroy my mind with a super duper orgasm, you’d cast a spell, right? Well...” Pinkie wrapped one wire around her own hoof and pressed the other against Meteor Gleam’s bellybutton.

Every muscle in Meteor’s body tensed up at once. Her mane and Pinkie’s both stood on end and sparks flew from their bodies. The experience was horrifying and painful, but not so painful that a few thrusts of Pinkie’s strapon couldn’t bring Meteor Gleam’s confused body to the most powerful climax of her life.

“Wah-wah-wah-wah!” was the deep, throat shredding cry that came from Meteor’s mouth as she squirted helplessly all over the stone floor of Pinkie’s sex dungeon.

“Only about 30% of this is pee!” was the cry that came from Pinkie’s mouth as she did the same thing.

“Oh, I get it!” Perihelion cut in. “It’s an earth pony version of lightning play!”

Pinkie suddenly dropped the wire and stopped her thrusting. “Whoa, guys, lightning? That’s kind of extreme, wouldn’t you say? You two had better settle down, or we’re ending this scene right now!”

“Th-th-that’s it, babe!” Meteor whispered, forcing the air through her trembling lungs. “W-we just have to out-kink her, and she’ll let us go!”

“Pinkie! Oh, Pinkie Pie!” Perihelion called out. “I want to watch you drop your big fat ass on to a birthday cake and make it splosh all over! Please, I’d cum so hard to watch you destroy one of the Cakes’ perfect creations!”

“No!” Pinkie cried out with shock. “No wasting food! That’s a wrong fetish! Good ponies always...” Her left eye twitched violently. “Always join the clean plate club!”

“It’s working!” Perihelion hissed at his wife. “Come on, babe, you do one!”

“Erm... I love being your adult foal, Peri!” Meteor Gleam shook her head vigorously at her husband as she improvised. “I love when you give me a bottle, and I drink the milk and make unicorn toots! Pinkie, won’t you diaper both of us, please?”

“What in the fuck? Have you ever had to deal with actual foals?” Pinkie Pie tore at her mane. “Why would anypony pretend to be those adorable, innocent, can’t-control-their-magic, not-allowed-to-say-who-the-real-father-is, endlessly pooping bundles of terror?”

“I want you to cast a spell on her where she gets bigger every time she cums!” Peri told Meteor. “And... and I want to watch you 69 with each other, growing and growing until you both get bigger than the universe and have to go into pocket dimensions!”

Pinkie shrugged. “Eh, that one’s not bad, just impossible.”

“I bet she fucks her sisters, babe,” Meteor Gleam told her husband.

“Yeah! There’s nothing else to do on a rock farm, right?”

“AAAAAAAAAH!” This time the scream came from Pinkie’s mouth. They’d found it!

“I bet they get out the family double dongs and bump butts in the living room, all night long!”

“Yeah, while the parents watch!”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it!” Pinkie waved her hooves around wildly. “That’s disgusting and I must never explore why it turns me on!” The frantic baker jammed large cupcake-shaped silicone gags into Meteor’s mouth and Peri’s, silencing them instantly.

Meteor chewed at the squishy material but wasn’t able to spit out or bite through. At least the gag tasted like a delicious Pinkie Pie cupcake. Meteor wondered if Pinkie’s dildoes tasted like real dick...

“That’s better!” Pinkie gently patted Meteor on the head. “Nice and quiet! Now that your filthy mouths aren’t filthing anymore, we can explore some nice, wholesome fetishes — like pounding you til you can’t remember each others’ names! Gwahahah, then you two can fall in love all over again! Matchmaker Pinkie Pie, that’s me!”

Pinkie reached out with a hoof and resumed jerking the silicone cloaca up and down Perihelion’s shaft. She rotated her hips as she thrust, slow and steady, in and out, driving Meteor Gleam towards another irresistible orgasm.

Husband and wife gave muffled, helpless moans, looking into each others’ eyes for comfort, sending Pinkie’s smile wider and wider. Suddenly, through the haze of pleasure Meteor heard the beats of pegasus wings and a raspy voice coming down from above.

“Hey, Pinkie, are you down here? I heard some noises.”

Pinkie Pie chuckled, low and evil. With her unoccupied hoof the mad baker reached out to her table of props and picked up a cupcake that glistened with poisoned frosting.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!” she called out cheerfully, never letting up on the potent thrusts that were scrambling Meteor’s brains. “Come on down! What can I do ya for?”

ROYAL GUARD SITUATION ROOM CANTERLOT

“Sir! Corporal Gleam has gone off the grid again!”

Bulging Codpiece, the Captain of the Guard, looked up from Princess Twilight Sparkle’s latest friendship report. “Eh? Do you mean Meteor Gleam?”

“Yes, sir.” The Private on duty saluted his commanding officer. “The mare who exposed the illegal cum jar in Cloudsdale.”

“That pony certainly has a nose for trouble. What are her last known coordinates?”

“Ponyville, sir. Sugarcube Corner, to be exact.”

“That means Pinkie Pie. Who sent Corporal Gleam to Ponyville? Is she on assignment with the Element bearers?”

“No, sir, she’s on leave. It’s her honeymoon.”

“Ah...”

“Sir?”

Bulging Codpiece chuckled. “Do I have to spell it out for you, Private?”

“Erm...”

“A young, adventurous mare, on her honeymoon in the kinkiest town in Equestria. Right after she meets up with Pinkie Pie, a magic suppression ring somehow ends up on her horn and she goes off the grid.”

“Oh!” The Private blushed bright red.

“Let’s let Corporal Gleam enjoy her honeymoon. I’ll ask Princess Twilight to do a health check on her and her spouse tomorrow. They’ll probably be dehydrated. Pinkie likes to play rough.”

“Pinkie Pie? But I met her once! She’s so sweet and nice!”

Bulging Codpiece looked down his muzzle at his young subordinate. “When it comes to mares,” he sighed, “you’ve got a lot to learn.”