Good Stallions Don't...

“Ten-hut! Eyes front! Forward march!”

The thunder of hoofbeats announced the approach of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Thousands of well trained mares, ready to defend their nation and their Princesses with weapons, wings and magic. From Griffonstone to the Dragonlands, Equestria’s enemies feared the mares of the Guard... but not as much as Equestrian stallions did.

Guardsmares were famous for their foul language, voracious sexual appetites, and irresistible swagger. A well-meaning mare might honour a battle-scarred hero by inviting her to a quiet family dinner, only to find her guest being triple teamed in the drawing room by a seduced husband and two despoiled sons. Only the loosest stallions would date a Guardsmare. Only a ruined stallion would accept the collar of marriage from one. And in all of Equestria, only two of us dared to train with them.

Shining Armour and I had spent the morning grappling with each other on a padded platform in the middle of the training field, our bodies growing sweaty and tense in the sun. Now I scooped a large glob of cocoa butter from a plastic tub and started working it with both hands into the unicorn stallion’s glutes.

“How much is left?” Shining asked me.

“Just a few more handfuls,” I told him. “I’ll use up this tub, and then you can do me.” All across the training field, the eyes of the drilling mares were drawn to us. They didn’t see a human working the tension out of a fellow soldier after a strenuous workout: they saw a stallion groping another stallion’s ass. They wanted to see more. So much more.

“Your hands feel great, Paul,” Shining whispered, trying not to be heard. “You’re so good at distracting me from... everything.”

“Eyes front, maggots!” screamed Bugle Call, our commanding officer. A group of earth ponies with spears had gotten out of step while staring at us, and now barding clanked against barding as dozens of soldiers stumbled and ran into each other, in a growing traffic jam that spread across the training grounds.

It was just another day for the Royal Guard’s only two male recruits. Our “uniforms” were a few scraps of cloth and our “training” was nothing but softcore sex shows. The only power Shining Armour and I had was our ability to distract hundreds of toughened mares with a muscular flex or a homoerotic touch. And there weren’t five other stallions in all of Equestria who even had that much power.

I breathed in the scent of Shining Armour’s body. He smelled like a barn, a raw animal stench softened by the tubs of cocoa butter that I rubbed into his fur every day. His balls bulged between his hind legs, fat and swollen, just like mine. We’d both been denied for a week, and the chastity spell would keep us that way for another three days. The Royal Guard’s annual Iron Mare competition was coming up. On Friday night, the winner would take us to bed as her prize. There, we’d act out every mare’s fantasy: two pent up stallions, desperate to please.

With our dicks out of action, we spent long nights in the barracks servicing our comrades using our mouths. I didn’t mind eating out pony pussies, as long as they were freshly showered, but the verbal abuse I took from my “marefriends” made it clear they thought this was the most degrading act a stallion could perform. By now, Shining and I were experts.

I worked my fingers into the tense muscles atop Shining’s cutie marks. His huge horse balls twitched in their taut sack and I whistled. “Damn, you’re about to explode back here.”

“I-I know!” Shining whined. “I don’t know how I can make it to Friday.”

“I know how you feel,” I told him. “My nuts are like croquet balls. I swear, I would do anything to help you. I don’t even care that it’s gay, anymore.”

I meant what I said, but we both knew that fingering Shining’s ass or stroking his tortured sheath would only make things worse for us. We couldn’t get it up, much less cum, until Friday. Fooling around in front of the rest of the Guard would only make these rowdy mares more demanding tonight.

“I’ve been through five Iron Mare competitions, and it’s never been this bad,” Shining told me. “I’ve been praying to Celestia for just one moment of relief.”

“Celestia’s the one who cast this spell on our junk,” I grumbled. “Maybe you should pray to someone else.”

“Like who?”

“I don’t know, what about—”

Shining gasped suddenly. “Her...” he moaned.

Through a dusty field full of grunting, sweating mares, we saw a vision of feminine loveliness. Cadenza Mi Amore, the Princess of Love, the most desirable mare in Equestria, trotted towards us, with Bugle Call flying along side her.

“You don’t use them in the field, do you?” the beautiful princess asked the tough pegasus soldier.

“Certainly not, your highness! My goodness, what if a stallion got a boner in a combat zone? Utter chaos! No, Paul and Shiny are our special ‘morale officers.’ Oh, we just love them to pieces. Some of the younger recruits don’t have a special somepony, and, well, everypony likes to watch two stallions oil each other up, eh?”

The Princess stood before us expectantly, and Shining and I bowed low. “Continue your training, gentlecolts.” Cadance licked her lips. “Don’t mind us.”

“Yes, your highness,” we said at the same time. I showed off a little, grabbing Shining in a wrestling hold, pinning his front hooves behind his back. The muscular unicorn’s package slapped against his barrel, hard as a rock but kept painfully sheathed by Celestia’s denial spell.

Cadance gulped daintily at the sight. “Goodness, that’s... a real breeder...” she whispered to herself.

“Nice to look at, aren’t they?” Bugle Call asked with a smirk. “The human takes some getting used to, but you wouldn’t believe what he can do with those hands.”

“They’re a little hard bodied.” Cadance scowled disapprovingly. “Hardly centrefold material.”

“Perhaps not, your highness, but our mares are the roughest and toughest. They’re not afraid of a couple of cute janefillies. And a little extra stamina is very useful after lights out in the barracks.”

“Oh, my goodness. You have unisex barracks?”

“Celestia’s orders,” Bugle Call nodded. “It would be a waste of royal funds to build separate quarters for only two stallions. They end up cuddling with lonely mares every night, anyways. We’ve had no complaints...”

“I’d like to know more about these two remarkable stallions.” Princess Cadance stepped forward and addressed us directly. “Paul, and... Shiny?”

Shining bowed again. “Private Shining Armour, your highness.”

“Oh, of course.” Cadance gave a hint of a snicker, but then looked serious. “‘Private Shining Armour.’ Will you tell your Princess what appeals to you about service in the Royal Guard?”

Shining gulped. “You probably don’t remember me, but when I was in high school, you were my sister’s foalsitter. Ever since the day I first saw you, I dreamed of joining the Royal Guard and protecting you—I mean, protecting Equestria from harm.”

“Oh, well said!” Cadance laughed lightly. I put a hand on my friend’s withers. We were both used to mares laughing at our dreams of glory. “I remember you now. You’re Twilight Sparkle’s little brother.”

“Big brother.” Shining barely whispered the words.

“What a remarkable family. You know, as kin to a princess, you’re royalty yourself, in a sense.”

“Yes, your highness. That’s why Celestia allowed me to join the Guard. She said that Paul and I are both very unusual stallions.”

Cadance stepped forward and drew along the line of Shining Armour’s quivering muzzle with an outstretched wing. “And would this unusual stallion, perchance, be willing to trade his life of adventure for the fine robes and courtly manners of a prince?”

“B-buh?” I caught Shining as he suddenly fainted into my arms. “Is he OK?” Cadance asked me.

“He’ll be fine, your highness.” I gently slapped Shining and leaned in close to whisper in his ear. “Come on, pal, wake up, I’m here.”

“Oh, shit, are they going to kiss?” Cadance groaned breathily.

Bugle Call’s wings trembled lightly. “We can only hope, your highness.”

“F-forgive me, glorious Princess.” Shining Armour slowly opened his eyes and I helped him back to his hooves. “It must be the heat. I thought I heard you say that you...”

“You heard correctly. I’m asking you to take my collar. If you’ll have me, that is.”

“To wear your collar would be the honour of a lifetime!” Shining bowed so deeply that his barrel brushed the dust of the training grounds. “I only await your command!”

Cadance laughed again, her voice full of condescending sweetness. “I would never presume to command the fickle heart of a stallion. Even the Princess of Love cannot force the fruit to grow where the seed has not taken root.”

“But the fruit is in full flower!” Shining protested. “For five years I’ve served your highness in the Guard. I’ve declined the collar from many worthy comrades. Forgive me, but even the mightiest warrior-mare cannot compare to my memories of you.

“Paul has told me stories of brave knights who went on quests to win the love of beautiful princesses. It was my dream that... one day...” He started crying and couldn’t finish. I hugged Shining around the barrel.

“Are you sure they’re stallions?” Cadance whispered to Bugle Call.

“Yes, your highness. I’m a transmare myself, if that’s what you mean.”

“Sir Guardstallion,” Cadance told Shining, “Before we are wed, I ask that you undertake a quest to prove your worth, as in the human’s stories. A trivial task, I’m certain, for a knight as brave as you.”

“Yes!” I’d never seen Shining smile so wide. “Anything!”

Cadance patted Shining on the head like a dog. "For years, I’ve laboured tirelessly to produce an heir to the throne of the Crystal Empire. Many stallions have tried to bring me my heart’s desire. Well bred nobles, handsome actors, even Equestria’s most gifted stallion-poet. Ah, for one more night with his talented tongue — ahem. No matter.

“Hundreds of my most refined subjects have volunteered their essence up to me. All have failed. I’ve had enough of sophistication and gentleness, I need strength. My alicorn womb, it seems, is a fortress which must be conquered.

“So I turn to you. This is your moment, Private Shining Armour. Fulfill your duty as a soldier and as a stallion. Gift me an heir, and I will reward you with a princely collar and a title worthy of your honourable family.”

“I’ll impregnate you with my very first rope, Princess!” Shining pledged, and in my heart I knew he would. My friend was strong and kind, the bro of all bros. He could do anything he set his mind to. He would never fail at the only thing a stallion was actually allowed to do.

Bugle Call cleared her throat. “Your highness, I should have mentioned that Shiny’s under one of Celestia’s chastity spells. It’s unbreakable, I’m afraid. He won’t be able to ‘perform’ for you until Friday night.”

Cadance smiled. “Three days of foreplay? That will do nicely. We’ll plan the wedding for Saturday. Come along, Shiny.”

Without a word, my only friend in Equestria trotted eagerly away from me, his eyes fixed on the swivelling plot of his foalhood crush. I couldn’t blame him. That night as I knelt with my face buried in winking mare twat, my useless cock tweaked and teased by pegasus wings and unicorn magic, the only two things I could think of were the hefty, shifting butt cheeks of the Princess of Love.

Most of what mares say about stallions is bullshit, but it’s true: we can’t pass up a quality ass. After a year in Equestria, even the species of the ass didn’t matter to me.

Godspeed, Shining Armour, I thought, working long into the night. Tap that royal ass. Live your dream...