Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

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Misadventures of That Babysitter Guy

Written By: Chuck Baleigh

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So, if you're here reading this, then you might know who I am. If not, I'll jog your memory. I babysat the Cutie Mark Crusaders, learned it was a set-up so a human could go to Equestria, and now I have a portal to that mystical land of ponies. Know me now? If not, I don't care.

Look, what I'm trying to get across is that I go to Equestria frequently, and boy, have I had lots of adventures. Now I bet you're wondering, "Why are you telling me this?" Or maybe you're not wondering. I'm saying this because today, dear reader, I've decided that I should share my exploits with you. I know, you must feel very special. Until now, I've never told another soul about this. So there. Feel special now.

This was the day after that whole babysitting fiasco. It was my first day back to Equestria, and oh boy, did stuff not happen. At all. But go on anyways.

First Day Back

June 28th, 5:05 A.M.

MEEP! MEEP! MEEP!

I awoke to the sound of that damn alarm clock. Again. Groggily, I hit the sleep button to shut it up. 5:05, as always. I changed from my pajamas into a new set of clothes, a red/plaid button up shirt and jeans, and topped it off with my fedora. Ready for the day, I headed towards the door, but stopped when I heard an odd, swirly-sucky sound (Maybe like a toilet behind a door, or something...eh fuck it). Curious, I decided to investigate, nearing the source of the noise, which seemed to be the closet. I opened it up and-

Wait. What the fuck is this? Looks like a rip in the fabric of...oh wait, right. I got my own portal to Equestria! Now I remember everything! And if this is a portal to Equestria, then I'm gonna have to hide it. I moved some clothes on hangers around and stacked some boxes to camouflage what would be a somewhat-literal skeleton in the closet. Satisfied with my work, I left my room to start the day.

As I headed out of my room, I pondered how exactly I'd cover up my disappearance from this house for whenever I'd be in Equestria. I was a major house-cat after all, so me leaving my humble abode would be nothing short of a miracle. All I know is that my excuse has to be low on the bullshit factor, otherwise my mother would see right through the lie. I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where I ate a generic breakfast.

Once I sat down at my computer, I began plotting the perfect lie. It was an ingenious lie, one that would also be absolutely believable and impossible to deny.

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June 28th, 12:17 P.M.

I approached my mother, ready to spring upon her the greatest lie to ever walk the earth. She would have no idea what hit her, and I would go to Equestria, without anyone suspecting anything.

"Mom," I said, getting her attention.

She was in the process of baking some kind of treats for work, a thing she did on occasion. "Yes, Wyatt?" she asked.

This was it. "I'm gonna go down to Joe's. I'll be back later."

"Alright then," she replied without flinching.

You see? Best lie to exist, ever. Claiming victory, I put on my shoes and walked out the front door. But wait...what was I supposed to do now? I couldn't just walk back in and run back upstairs without someone noticing, could I? ...eh, it was my best bet. Slowly, I opened the door back up, almost crawling back in, trying not to make a sound. Seeing that nobody was paying attention, I bolted up the stairs and went straight into my room. Hopefully, nobody noticed the large stomps banging on the stairs as I made my trek. ...I'll forget I thought that.

I opened up my closet, removed the stuff blocking the portal, and stared at it, taking in its portal-y glory. Welp, here I go. Into the void to a land that shouldn't exist. I stepped into the closet, closed its door behind me, and went through.

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As I walked through the white void, several thoughts plagued my mind. Would the ponies be expecting me? Would they know I'm on my way right now? Would they freak out at my sudden appearance if they weren't expecting me? So many questions, so little time. I could see the end portal coming up, and braced for what may come.

I continued walking, and walking, and wa-

*THUD!*

Ow. I fell flat on my face. Again. I really need to learn where that gap is. Moving my face up from the ground, I saw that I was yet again in the library of Twilight Sparkle. In addition to this, I also saw Twilight herself, along with Spike. They were both looking at me, having been interrupted from whatever they were just doing, Spike looking like he was trying not to laugh at what he just saw.

"What?" I asked as I got to my feet. "I just thought I'd drop by. Can I not do that?"

Spike laughed, "Drop by! I get it!" Twilight shot the dragon an annoyed look before speaking.

"We just didn't expect you, and the way you hit the floor scared us a little."

"Well, I'm here now. I am allowed to come by whenever, right?" I asked, finished dusting myself off.

"Did you guys even talk about some plan to let us know when Wyatt's coming?" Spike asked Twilight. The purple mare scratched the back of her head.

"Uhm, no, we didn't. Guess I should've thought of that, huh?"

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"Oh well, we can do that later," I said, being the procrastinator that I am. "Have you even prepared what you want to ask me? I remember you saying 'I expect a lesson's worth of humans', or something like that."

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh. "I didn't expect you back so soon. It'd probably take a couple days for me to formulate and write down questions for you to answer." Well, this was a relief. I wasn't really sure how exactly I'd answer random questions about human history to Twilight, and I'd much prefer if that came later rather than sooner. So if Twilight wasn't ready to learn about humans yet, did that mean I could goof off in Ponyville? Only one way to find out.

"Hey Twilight, mind if I step out for a bit?" I asked eagerly. The braniac was busy, getting out paper, quills, and inkwells. I presume it was for writing down some questions to ask.

"Yeah, yeah, sure," she answered with a wave of her hoof, obviously more interested in getting her writing tools ready. If she wasn't paying attention anyways, would it matter if I left? ...eh, who cares? Off I went, out the door, and into the bright streets of Ponyville.

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So guess what? Ponyville's kinda boring. There were a couple ponies that I talked to, but it's hard to relate to happy, sunshine-loving ponies when you're a rain-loving, gaming, basement-dweller. After that, I went around to see if I could find any of the other members of the mane 6. All I got was Pinkie Pie, who, as she had challenged yesterday, tried her absolute hardest to make me smile. I'll say it again: mission utterly failed. But what can you expect when all she tried were practical pranks and, dare I say, childish jokes?

"Oh come on Mister Frowny-Pants! Make a smile at least once!" I remember her saying as I parted ways with her.

So what was left? Why, spacing out and letting my thoughts wander, of course! It's what I'm best at. And where better to do it than some random bench in the middle of town? Ponies everywhere totally won't be freaked out by some fat human staring into space.

"Heya Wyatt!"

Like Lyra and Bon-Bon, who were standing right in front of me. Wait, what?

"Oh, hey," I returned the greeting, noticing their presence.

"So Wyatt, you remember how you were gonna share human culture with us?" Lyra spoke, excitement evident in her voice.

"Yesssss..." I replied with a hint of dread.

Lyra sat on the bench next to me (human style, of course), a grin on her face. "Well, do y'think Bon-Bon and I can be the first to hear your crazy human knowledge?" Yep. I knew that was coming. Trying to avoid this, I pointed to Bon-Bon.

"What if she doesn't really wanna hear any of this?"

"Actually, Lyra's told me so much about you, that I just had to come along and listen to you share your...how did you put it Lyra? 'Great wisdom'?" She looked to Lyra, who nodded. Bon-Bon continued, "All I'm saying is that she's piqued my curiosity. So please, do share."

Thanks Bon-Bon, you've crushed my only hope of getting out of this. Sighing heavily, I accepted defeat. "Alright, what do you want to know first?"

Lyra wasted no time with the first question. "Hands. What's it like to have hands?" She asked, eyes big and bright. Believe it or not, this question was actually pretty hard to answer. It took me awhile to think.

"Hmm...to have hands...I'm not sure how to describe it. It's a natural thing to humans, so we don't really think about it. But to answer your question, it's pretty much just like if you were able to grab and hold things with your hooves." (Which I'm pretty sure I've seen the ponies do on occasion. Not that it matters).

"Ooo..." muttered Lyra, intrigued. Bon-Bon, after taking a seat on the grass, only shrugged. I'm right with her on the quality of the answer.

"Alright, next question: why do you guys eat meat? That's just gross," The minty mare asked as she stuck out her tongue in disgust.

"Hey, you guys eat flowers. That's...kinda gross to us. Although some people eat different- ...eh, forget it. I'm getting off track. Look, we just eat meat because it's part of our diet. There's nothing more to it."

"It's still gross," Lyra said.

I gave her an annoyed look, but continued, "What's next?"

"Alright, last one. Is it true humans have fought before?"

I was baffled at the question. "Lyra, please elaborate."

Her eyes darted around nervously. "Y'know...war."

"Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Lyra shifted uncomfortably before answering, taking her tone to a loud whisper. "We don't say that word much. It's almost like a curse, like something bad might happen if you say it. Nopony likes to hear it."

Bon-Bon nodded in agreement. She looked equally nervous at the mention of the word.

Well, at this point, my asshole instincts would have kicked in, and I would've teased them by saying the word as often as possible. However, they seemed really serious about this, so I'll refrain from doing it.

"Yeah, we've had quite a few w-a-r's. I'm assuming you guys haven't had that many?"

"To count, only about three, and those were a long time ago. We've been at peace for years," Bon-Bon answered. I gave her an odd look, which she returned. "What? I may not look it, but I'm a bit of a history buff."

"Anyways," I continued, "humans have fought each other for pretty much all of history. There's been fights over land disputes, freedom, religious beliefs, all that stuff."

Lyra's ears perked up at the word "religious". "Uh...what's 'religious' mean?" I was shocked, and it showed.

"You guys have never heard of religion?" Both ponies present cocked their heads. I gave a light chuckle. "No wonder you guys have been so peaceful."

"What's religion?" The cream-colored mare asked, as I expected.

I pondered a way to begin my explanation. "Well..." I began, "religion is a belief that you take to heart about how humans, or if you had religion, ponies, were made. Not only that, but you sometimes believe in a god, gods, or no god at all. Most religions also believe in a concept of some kind of afterlife, or life after death. Others believe in reincarnation, where you are born into a new form after death. Most religions also dictate some kind of way to live, and instruct you to stay holy and faithful for a happy life."

Both ponies seemed impressed by my explanation. It's a shame Twilight isn't here. I just gave out a big chunk of information about human history and beliefs. Before I could feel really proud of myself, however, Bon-Bon spoke again.

"You said humans have fought because of religious beliefs," she stated, "why would they fight over that?"

I sighed. "Humans can get really passionate about these things, Bon-Bon. We've fought over religion because there are still idiots out there who believe that their religion is right, and all others are wrong. Therefore, they try to force it on others, and if they resist...I think you can figure out the rest."

Both ponies looked appalled. To fight over something as silly as a belief? These two wouldn't last a day in the human world. "Humans are silly," Lyra said. "Everypony knows that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are the almighty. What's a 'god' anyways?"

"Whoa, Lyra. If you were in my world, oh man, you would be ripped to shreds," I told her, being brutally honest.

The minty mare slightly shrank back in fear. "Y-you're joking, right?"

My face contorted into a serious stare. "No. If you went around saying that, your worst nightmares would be nothing compared to the troubles that would plague you. Humans are scarier than you think." I flashed an evil grin, for effect, of course. Lyra gulped, taking my words to heart. Ponies seem to get scared too easily.

"Well, lookit the time! I think we'd best get going," Lyra said hastily as she got up from the bench, not wanting to hear anymore of how scary humans could get.

"Really Lyra? I'm starting to get interested in-" Bon-Bon started before she was picked up and dragged off by the scared pony.

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a good move. Now Lyra is probably afraid of me, or worse, of humans in general. Maybe next time we talk I'll try to move the topic to a brighter area. I got up from the bench, ready to go back to the library. I'm sure Twilight's got a couple questions down, and if possible, I could tell her all the stuff I just told the mare pair. I'm sure she'd be intrigued by that.