Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

*BRRIIING!*

The bell sounded off as colts and fillies dashed out of the Ponyville schoolhouse. "Have a great day everypony! See you tomorrow!" Cherilee called out after the children. While most of the foals exiting the schoolhouse were happy to be free for the day, three little fillies making their way out the door were less than enthusiastic.

To the Cutie Mark Crusaders, a great crusading day was definitely needed to make up for this rotten school day. Today, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon had come to school with bracelets that had their cutie-marks engraved into them. Of course, the two of them being, well, them, they absolutely had to show off these bracelets to everypony. Of course, this lead the two to verbally attack anypony that lacked a cutie mark, namely, the Crusaders.

The trio walked on the paved path towards the exit of the school, passing the playground and inwardly groaning at the two rich brats still showing off their bracelets.

"...forget about 'em girls," Apple Bloom said as she caught the other Crusaders leering at the bracelet-wielding duo. "We've got crusadin' to do, and we can't let those two distract us!"

Scootaloo sighed. "Yeah, you're right. So, what are we gonna do today?"

"Do something stupid that doesn't get your cutie-marks?" Diamond Tiara offered sarcastically, she and her accomplice approaching the Crusaders.

"Hey, our crusading is not stupid!" Sweetie Belle defended.

"Then why haven't you gotten your cutie-marks yet?" Silver Spoon sneered.

Sweetie Belle was taken aback, unsure as to how she should retaliate. Scootaloo stepped up to the plate. "There's just so many things to try, that's all! We'll get our cutie-marks eventually!"

"And by that time, we'd have a hundred bracelets with our cutie-marks!" Diamond Tiara taunted, the brats laughing. It was Apple Bloom's turn to bat.

"Who cares about some dumb bracelets? They just prove you're a show-off!"

"And they also prove you don't have cutie-marks, and we do!" The tiara-wearing filly shot back, laughing again.

Apple Bloom huffed, but Sweetie Belle managed to stop her from saying any more. "C'mon Apple Bloom, let's just go. Besides, remember what Wyatt said? 'Don't give them a reaction'."

"Oh, you're still going on about that 'human'?" The grey filly asked skeptically.

"We didn't make him up!" Scootaloo defended.

"Oh, sure," Diamond Tiara started. She switched to a tone of voice resembling an idiot's, "Oh hey everypony, we just got back from the world of a thing called a 'human'! They have 'hands for grabbing' and 'walk on two legs'!"

"And that's not all!" said a voice from behind the crowd that gathered around the fight. The Crusaders were the first to turn their heads around and see the source of the voice.

"Wyatt!" all three of them exclaimed.

--

As I continued my trek to the library, I wondered where exactly I was going. You'd think that a giant tree for a library would be easy to find, but it's actually pretty hard, considering there were plenty of trees that looked like it. I continued to wander, walking by the schoolhouse. I wonder if the crusaders are out of school? Or in it? It was summer, but as far as I had seen in the show, they went there during any season.

That was when I noticed a small crowd of ponies in the school's yard. Well, that answers that question.

"...They just prove you're a show-off!" Who's a show-off?

"And they also prove you don't have cutie-marks, and we do!" Was that...tiara bitch? Curious, I hopped over one of the fences and into the school yard, approaching the crowd.

"Oh, you're still going on about that 'human'?"

As I reached the crowd, I saw who was currently in verbal combat: The Cutie-Mark Crusaders vs. The Rich Bitches. Shocker, I know.

"We didn't make him up!"

So hey, I guess this would be a better time than any to explain something to you. If you remember my first official day in Equestria, then you'd know that I said I was shown off to all the ponies. That was kinda true, but also kinda not. Y'see, I have a tendency to exaggerate, and that was one of those times. I wasn't seen by all the ponies, just a majority. Evidently, The Rich Bitches didn't fall under that majority.

"Oh hey everypony, we just got back from the world of a thing called a 'human'! They have 'hands for grabbing' and 'walk on two legs'!"

Let's shut this bitch up. "And that's not all!" The ponies' attention turned to me. The Crusaders smiled when they saw me.

"Wyatt!" The three exclaimed. Some were awed, others already knew who I was. Nonetheless, a small crowd of school-ponies formed in front of me, taking the attention away from the fight and, more importantly, The Rich Bitches.

Diamond Tiara's mouth was agape. "Bu-but...what!?"

I gave her a smug smirk. "So uh, what was it you were saying about humans? Please, tell me. I'm curious." Apple Bloom flashed a grin as smug as mine.

"See, told ya we didn't make 'im up."

Diamond Tiara was without words. Silver Spoon wasn't.

"You never told us how fat he was!" They laughed again, Diamond Tiara regaining her earlier confidence. Now, I'll admit, I'm fat. But not obese. Just fat. And honestly, I didn't think it was even that noticeable, unless I were to run around without a shirt on. Oh, by the way, you're welcome for that mental image.

I put my hand over my chest and made a grunt of mock pain. "Oh, oh my feels. You just hurt 'em so bad." I lied on the ground in the fetal position, acting as if I was traumatized. "Oh wait," I said, getting up, "no you didn't. Try harder."

The bitch pair looked a little surprised at my reaction, as I would've expected. They were probably used to pushing a pony's buttons and getting them riled up. Sucks for them that I don't care about what people say about me. Still attempting to fight a pointless battle, Diamond Tiara retaliated. "Well...he looks dumb in those glasses!"

Ah, children. Shitty at making insults, as always. "Oh, and the grey one doesn't?" I pointed out, looking at Silver Spoon. She looked a little hurt, but kept her "intimidating" demeanor up. It was at this point that I could tell they were struggling in finding insults.

"Well...I-I bet he doesn't even have a cutie mark! Ha! Beat that!" Silver Spoon was pretty confident in her choice of words. Not for long.

"Humans don't get cutie marks." I took a moment to let the news sink in for them before continuing. "And y'know, if you think your cutie marks are so awesome, what do they mean? Seriously, a tiara and a spoon? Did you get them because of a useful talent? I wouldn't think so. I bet you're so spoiled, even your cutie marks represent how rotten you are. Must suck to be you two."

The duo were at a loss for words. Their mouths moved like they wanted to say something, but nothing came. Their next course of action was turning around, running away to, I assume, formulate better insults to throw at me, and look back at me blowing their tongues out the whole time.

I stood and watched them run away for awhile before turning around and making my way to the exit. "Welp, see ya," I said, departing. As was expected, I was followed by three fillies that I knew well, even before making it to the fences.

"What happened to 'don't give them a reaction'?" Scootaloo asked jokingly as the girls strolled next to me.

I shrugged, "I never said you couldn't tell 'em off. It's more satisfying, but it's also harder to do. Unless the bullies are dumb. Like them."

Sweetie was a bit unsure. "I don't know, don't you think you were a little hard on them?"

I scoffed. "What about them? They seem to be hard on you all the time. If anything, they deserved that." The four of us were oddly silent after my remark, simply walking down the pathway hoping to get to my destination. Eventually, Apple Bloom said something.

"Wyatt, where were you headin' in the first place?"

I sucked air through my teeth. "I...was gonna go to the library, but I have no idea where it is."

It was Apple Bloom's turn to scoff. "Is that all? We know exactly how ta git there! Follow us!"

"Right this way, sir," Sweetie said, trying to imitate an attendant of sorts, giggling a little. Well, it was either this or more wandering. Inwardly groaning due to resigning my fate to children, of all things, I walked behind them as they led the way.

--

Five minutes. It only took us a total of five fucking minutes to get to the library. I'd been walking around for at least an hour, no doubt going in circles, and we got here in five minutes.

"Easy-peasy," Scootaloo remarked, waving a hoof at the library. I swear she was mocking me.

"At least I know where this place is now. Thanks for your help."

"S'not a problem, Wyatt. We know this place like th' back a' our hooves," Apple Bloom said, chest puffing with pride.

Sweetie Belle beamed. "Oh! Oh! Maybe we could get tour guide cutie-marks!"

I opened the door to the tree-building as I looked at Sweetie skeptically. "Riiiight..." I stepped inside and was greeted with a groan from Twilight.

"Nothing, Spike. I've got nothing! How can I learn about human culture if I can't even think of good questions to ask!?" The purple pony was at a desk, a quill in her magical grip and several papers in front of her.

The baby dragon's voice resonated from another room. "I dunno Twi, I kinda liked the 'what foods do you eat' question."

"That's because you suggested it," the unicorn deadpanned.

Spike laughed. "I did, didn't I?"

"Uh, hi," I interrupted, causing Twilight to look up from her papers and notice me.

"Where did you disappear to?" The pony sounded almost like a mother chastising her child. "It's not exactly easy to think of a set of questions for interviewing a human when said human is gone."

"I went out for a little walk, sheesh." Twilight breathed deeply through her nose, and then out her mouth.

"Well, at least you're here now," she said, having calmed down. "So, maybe you thought of something while you were out?" She smiled, full of faith I had something in mind.

I thought back to the whole day I had to myself. There was meeting up with the Crusaders, fucking around in the market, and talking with Lyra and Bon-Bon. And that's when it hit me.

"Twilight, have you ever heard of something called 'religion'?" The unicorn's eyes lit up.

"No, what is it?" she asked, eager to learn more about humans.

"Yeah, what's religion?" came the voice of Scootaloo. I'd completely forgotten that the Crusaders were still behind me.

"I'll explain everything. Just take a seat." Doing as they were told, the three foals in the room sat on their haunches, ready for a good story. Twilight was over with a quill, an inkwell, and a few pieces of paper wrapped in her magical grip. "The story of religion stretches really far back, and it's a pretty long story-"

"Oh! Does it involve epic adventures and journeys?" Scootaloo excitedly inquired.

I sighed. "You could say that." Those weren't pretty times in history. "But as I was saying, religion's been around longer than anyone can remember, and it's basically shaped the several ways that humans live their lives."

My audience, listening intently, stayed silent as I went on.

--

In the two hours that had elapsed, I had given what I thought was an unbiased and informative lecture on religion, both the good and bad things that came with it (though I didn't get much into detail with the bad, so as to spare the children's virgin ears), and how it effected society both back then and in modern days. Questions were asked, most were answered, but few were left alone. Needless to say, Twilight had a treasure trove of human information.

I popped a few joints in my neck. "Alright, story time's over. I'm going home."

A collective "awwww...." resonated from the Crusaders.

"You'll be back soon, right?" Sweetie Belle asked, puppy-dog eyed.

"Well, yeah," I answered, "why wouldn't I be?"

"YAY!"

Once the ringing in my ears stopped, I turned to Twilight, who was looking over her papers and re-reading the information she wrote down. "Will that be enough info for you?"

She looked at me and smiled. "It'll definitely hold me over for awhile. I'll look over these notes again, and report my findings to Princess Celestia. This is so exciting!" She stopped for a moment. "...this doesn't mean I'm not gonna want more information."

"Yeah, yeah, I know."

"Maybe you should tell me about your government, or your historical figures, or-"

I covered her mouth with a cupped hand. "You just got a ton of historical back-story. I think you can save the pondering for what's next later." In truth, I just didn't want to have to anticipate what I'd have to explain next. I preferred the "surprise topic" approach.

I removed my hand from Twilight's mouth, then made my way to the portal. With a wave of good-bye to all ponies present, I entered the swirly vortex of doom and made my way back home.

--

The trip back to my closet was uneventful and short, the most exciting happening being that I actually minded the gap this time and didn't fall on my face. I opened the closet door and made my way out of the room, pondering over what might happen in my next venture into Equestria. The possibility that more human culture would be explained was a prevalent factor. But what else could happen? Equestria was a wild place of magic, happiness, and adventure, so really, anything was possible.

Would I travel across the world for a powerful MacGuffin?

Would I journey into the Everfree Forest to help a pony in need?

Would I be subjected to cheesy songs and lessons in friendship?

Only time could tell.

--

And tell it did. Seriously, things were slow at this point, but as time progressed, shit got weirder. And fortunately, I was along for the ride.