Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

Now, before I get started on the next story, I'm going to state one thing about myself and make it absolutely crystal clear: I HATE TWILIGHT. Not the pony. The movie/book series. It has destroyed what pride I had left in ever liking vampires (and werewolves, but vampires are better, IMO). So I bet you're thinking, "Boy, he's talking about this in the intro. It must tie into the story!" Well guess what? You'd be right.

Vampires These Days (Are pussies)

July 5th, 12:34 P.M.

So at this point, I'm just gonna skip the parts where I pull an excuse out of my ass and get to Equestria. I've done the same thing for the other two times, so what's the point?

I entered the library, ready for Twilight to kick me out again, as she had done for the past few days I tried to come back. Sheesh, it almost seemed out of character for her to hold a grudge like this. That's when I realized I wasn't being greeted by an angry warning. I breathed a sigh of relief and took a few more steps inside the library.

As I moved around the room, I noticed how eerily silent it was. Was Twilight or Spike even here? "Uh, Twilight, you-"

"YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!" I'll take that as a "yes".

"What's gotten you so happy?" The hyper bookworm stopped her jumping around the room to look at me.

"You haven't heard? They're finally making a movie adaptation of one of my favorite book series!"

They have movies here? Guess their technology isn't too old-fashioned. "So, what book are they doing?" There was a part of me that didn't care, considering I didn't know any books here in Equestria, but I felt like keeping the conversation alive.

"Dusklight!"

I didn't like the sound of the title, as it sounded strangely familiar, but went on. "What's Dusklight?"

The excited bookworm gasped at my ignorance. "What? You've never heard of Dusklight?"

"No."

She gave me a grin, and started an explanation. "Dusklight is a romantic book series written by Stepheneigh Pensworth about a high school filly who falls in love with a mysterious colt classmate, but then he turns out to be a vampire, and she's thrust into the middle of this feud of vampires and werewolves, while trying to defy nature and be with the vampire she loves."

I put my face in my palms, ready to cry a thousand oceans. "No, no, no..." I repeated.

Twilight came to my side and put a hoof on my shoulder. "What? What's the matter?"

"It's happening here, too."

"What is?"

My face went from my palms and right to Twilight, my expression one of borderline rage. "They have pussified vampires and werewolves here, too!"

The purple mare looked at me quizzically. "Wait, what?"

I sighed heavily. "Alright, look. Vampires and werewolves are monsters, correct?"

"Um...yes?" the purple mare answered, somewhat thinking it was a rhetorical question.

"Then why is it that everywhere I go, society thinks of them as hunky teenage males that get sideswiped into dramas!?"

"Wait, you mean there's a book just like Dusklight back in-"

"Yes." I interrupted the mare before she could finish. I couldn't hear the rest of it. I just couldn't. "It's called 'Twilight'. And before you ask, yes, it's also a movie series."

The mare next to me wondered if she should be surprised that there was a book just like "Dusklight" back in the human world, or that she shared her name with the book. With this revelation, she figured she should write down that humans also made movies, and pulled out her notepad on human culture and began writing.

"But that's not the worst part," I continued, "what started as just a book and movie series inspired several others to do the same. Dramas, more movies, and anything that has to do with vampires or werewolves has the hunky teenagers dealing with stupid life issues when they should just be out killing people like they did when the legends started."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt that way," Twilight tried to comfort. She put down the notepad, which now had about a paragraph of writing, "Although the killing part's kinda pushing it."

"But that's the whole point! They're monsters. They aren't supposed to have rational thought (to an extent, anyways), they're supposed to be killing machines!" Before my ranting could escalate, there was a frantic knocking at the door.

"Come on in!" Twilight answered.

At once the door opened, and in came Rarity squeeing like a fangirl.

"Oh Twilight! I've just received the greatest news!"

"What is it, Rarity?"

"The girls gossiping over at the spa told me a magnificent bit of information! We were talking about 'Dusklight'," there was a groan in the background, "and then we came to the subject of the movie, and then Lotus said she had heard from one of her friends, who works as an assistant to a director, that one of the stars is coming here, to Ponyville, to promote the movie!"

Twilight gasped. "Did they say which star?"

Rarity giggled. "I was hoping you'd ask that. They said the pony coming here would be none other than Cloppert Trotterson!"

At once, both of the mares squeed in absolute joy. I, on the other hand, was lost. "Uhhhh, who?"

Rarity's head turned to me faster than lightning, and she gave me a wide-eyed stare. "You don't know who Cloppert Trotterson is!?"

"No."

"Why he's only the most talented, most emotional, and most sophisticated actor out there! ...not to mention he is just so," she sighed dreamily, "ravishing..."

I put my face in my palms and sat down. Again. "No, no, no..." I repeated...again.

Twilight groaned at my behavior. "What is it this time?"

My face came out of my palms and towards the two mares. "It's as if Equestria's copying Earth. Wait, maybe I should validate that statement. The lead actress, is she unattractive and always frowning?"

The ponies looked at me like I asked a stupid question (and I'll admit, it kinda was) before answering. "...yes."

"And the actor playing the werewolf, is he hunky? Stocky?"

"Mm-hm."

"Why do coincidences suck? Is there really no dimension, planet, or existence free from this whole vampire-werewolf thing?"

"Wyatt," the purple pony started, "you're acting ridiculous. Think about it, maybe it won't be as bad as you're putting it to be."

"Or, it will be as bad as I'm putting it."

"Oh would you two just quit it?" The fashionista was fed up with the bickering. I'm actually kinda glad she intervened. I had no more will left for arguing.

Twilight cleared her throat. "Right. Sorry about that, Rarity." The room was silent for a moment. Then, the purple pony spoke up again. "So, when's Cloppert supposed to be here?"

Rarity grinned wide. "That's the best part. He's going to be here around two o' clock today!" (What a coincidence.)

Y'know, at that moment, I realized something: I had never seen Twilight fangasm this much. She seemed more excited about this than she normally would be about anything else, but then again, I guess everyone has their moments of utter joy, right?

Both the mares squeed. I stewed in my thoughts, wondering what wacky adventure today might bring.