Misadventures of that Babysitter Guy

Beehives Are Serious Shit

Day 2 in Equestria; in reality a couple days after the first visit. This time, a little more stuff happened. Physical pain is involved in some way, too. If that doesn't hook your attention I don't know what will.

Beehives Are Serious Shit

July 1st, 9:23 A.M.

Who could ever hate bacon (besides some asshole vegetarians)? It's like meat candy. I don't know what gets better than that. Although, some bacon is definitely worse then others. And for breakfast, I had the worst of the worst.

I walked into my kitchen, an empty plate in hand. "As always, the eggs were good, ma. Although I can't say the same for the bacon..." For always and eternity, my mom liked to buy microwave bacon. And yes, it's as bad as it sounds.

"It's cheaper, Wyatt," she answered, rolling her eyes like she'd told me that over a thousand times (I'd wager ten thousand).

Always "Oh, it's cheaper!" with her. She clearly hasn't had pan-fried bacon in quite some time, or else her vision would be clouded by the evil microwave. It would explain why she doesn't remember how much better it tastes. Though today I didn't have time to think of bacon-related predicaments. Today was the day I was going back to Equestria the second time. And I thought of the perfect excuse to make sure nobody would wonder where I was.

"I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air."

"That's the spirit, Wyatt!"

See? Perfect. Being a house-cat really lets some excuses fly. I proceeded to grab my shoes and put them on my feet, and then repeat the same thing I did last time: walk out, walk back in when nobody was looking, and then race upstairs into the portal. Hey, it wasn't the best plan, but nobody caught me last time, so I didn't doubt it.

I walked through the void-dimension place, making sure to mind the gap this time and got to the library.

*DING!*

Who the what?

"Hi Wyatt!" Our favorite purple mare greeted. "Glad to see the notification spell works."

"Notification spell?"

"Well, you remember how we had a problem of knowing when you came here?"

"Uh-huh."

"I cast a notification spell on the portal. It was hard at first, since the spell wouldn't consider the portal a valid target, (the spell's usually used for doors to shops if they don't have bells), but I finally got it to work! Isn't that great?" Maybe she was just bored before I came in, but Twilight really sounded like she was enthusiastic about explaining the spell to me.

"Amazing," I said, uninterested.

The exasperated purple pony let out a sigh. "The least you could do is pretend to be interested."

"Sorry," I began, "but sometimes I can pretend, and sometimes I can't. It just depends on my mood."

She let out another sigh, this one shorter and sounding more irritated. "Alright, fine. Can we just get to your culture?"

I pulled out a seat and sat in it. "Ready when you are."

Twilight sat herself down in the chair across from me, setting a drink of what I would assume to be tea on the table we sat at. She also pulled out a notepad, which had the questions on it.

"Now, can you tell me about human history?" Not a bad question, because like Bon-Bon, I enjoy history (though there are lots of bits I forget). The problem is, however, Twilight didn't specify on what exactly she wanted to hear about.

"What part of my history do you want to know about?" I asked her.

"Oh, um...just start from the beginning if you would, please." Oh, yes, totally. I can recall all of human history back to the fucking beginning of time. The pony across from me could not be serious. Before I could even think of something, though, the door to the library opened and slammed quickly.

"Oh, hey Wyatt," I heard Spike greet before turning his attention to Twilight. "I tried Twilight," he began, his voice slightly trembling, "but I couldn't climb the tree branch, and then I got so frustrated that I threw a rock at it, and then they all chased after me until I came in here."

The baby dragon sounded freaked out about something, but what?

Twilight got up from her seat and went over to hug Spike. "I was worried, Spike. You didn't get stung, did you?"

"Nah, I'm alright. I probably shouldn't have insisted on getting rid of them."

Wait. I'm gonna put this conversation on (||) pause and piece together the information they've just given me. They're talking about something on a branch, something that can sting you, and something that...chases...you...oh shit. Okay, hit the play (|>) button.

"Sorry for the interruption, Wyatt. Spike and I were trying to remove that beehive outside on the library. Surely you've seen it?"

(||). KNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWITKNEWIT. I was right! And no, that's not a good thing. How do I put this lightly?

I. FUCKING. HATE. BEES.

Lightly enough for you? I don't care. Those little shits have been one of the things I hate most about having to exist on Earth. I've never been stung, mind you (lucky me), but I am absolutely terrified of them. If one even lands in my general vicinity I will be out of there in a heart-beat.

Okay. (|>) Play.

"Yeah, I've seen it," I answered, trying my best not to freak out at the mere mention of the hated insects.

The dragon sighed. "Man, that thing's been out there forever. You sure we can't just call someone in to take care of it?" he asked the purple pony.

"Sorry, Spike. You know we're a little tight on bits right now."

"Because you just had to pay for everypony's spa treatment last week," the dragon muttered under his breath.

"We may just have to wait a little longer before we can get rid of it, Spike."

"But Twilight, haven't you noticed, they're actually getting inside the library."

"WAIT, WHAT!?"

Both cartoons looked at me, having recoiled from my outburst. My eyes were darting around the room, looking for any sign of the little fuckers.

"Wyatt," the lavender mare began, "are you okay?"

I looked at the pony and regained my composure. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I still searched the room.

Twilight continued her conversation with Spike. "No, I didn't know that."

"I found a couple in the kitchen this morning. Took awhile to shoo them out, but I'm sure there's more where they came from."

"This is more serious than I thought, then." the bookworm put a hoof to her chin in thought.

Y'know, I can't stand being around bees. I've established this. What I haven't established, however, is that I doubly so can't stay in a house infested with bees (probably wouldn't have been that hard to figure out, though). That being said, what words I selected to say shocked even myself.

"I'll take care of it."

The duo looked at me again, relief in their eyes. "You mean it?" Twilight asked.

"I'll try my best. I make no guarantees, though." And by 'no guarantees', I mean that I'll probably give up after two tries.

"Oh, thank you. I guess that's one less thing to worry about today."

"So does this mean you're still gonna have the get-together today?" Spike asked Twilight.

"Yep. As long as there's no bees to worry about, the girls' invites still stand."

Spike rushed for the stairs, "In that case, I gotta get ready for Rarity!"

I grunted at Spike, and headed outside to face my doom. It wasn't a bad day in Ponyville (at least to everyone else's standards). Sky was clear, sun was bright, and all that. Didn't seem like the perfect setting for what I was about to do. I took a left and then turned to face the library, and there it was.

The hive.

I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. The thing I feared most, and I was going up against a whole colony of them. Might as well get started. Now, I've learned that when bees sense smoke, they go into a calm mode and don't attack. So if I start up a fire (a controlled one, mind you), and get the smoke to move towards the hive, maybe I can do this.

To start a fire, I was gonna need something flammable, so I went to another tree, yanked off a bit of loose bark and grabbed some twigs, and then arranged it into a neat pile below the hive. Now came the lighter.

Promptly, I went back into the library and walked up the stairs. Spike was in the bathroom, gussying himself up, cologne being sprayed all over his body. He was exactly who I needed at the moment.

The baby dragon was admiring himself in the mirror. "Oh yeah, Spike. You look gooood. Rarity is all-GAH!" Took him long enough to notice me. "W-Wyatt! Learn to knock or something!" he yelled, a small blush forming on his face.

"Yeah, sorry. Look, I'm gonna need you for a moment."

Spike hopped off of the stool he was using to look in the mirror. "What is it?" he asked, still recovering from his shock.

"Come on outside," I said as I began to lead him down the stairs. We went out the door , and I took him to the pile of wood. "Light this on fire."

He looked to the pile, and then me, an eyebrow raised. "Why?"

"Just do it."

With little convincing, Spike obeyed. He breathed in, aimed at the pile, then let out a small puff of green fire. It was just enough to get some of the wood lit, and before long, the whole pile was a heap of green fire. The heat could be felt from a couple feet away, so I knew it was a good fire.

"Alright, you're done," I told the baby dragon.

He scampered inside, hoping he wouldn't have to re-apply his cologne.

As the fire burned, the smoke began to billow, making it's course up to the hive. I decided I'd give it a good few minutes before I tried going up and removing it.

Scootaloo moaned, annoyed. "What haven't we done?"

Sweetie Belle conveniently pulled out a checklist. She gave it a hard look, then crumpled it up and tossed it. "Nothing. We've done everything on the list."

"But that thing had over a-hundred skills n' talents!" Apple Bloom moped.

"And we did them all," Sweetie sadly informed her friends.

All three of them sighed and continued on their path, drooping their heads and letting their hooves take them wherever. It was after a minute or so that Apple Bloom decided to look up. What she saw confused her.

"Girls," she began, pointing in the direction she was looking in. "Is that...Wyatt?" She had been looking at the Golden Oaks Library, and in fact, saw a bipedal creature.

Scootaloo squinted. "Yeah, I think it is."

Sweetie noticed something else. "What's he doing with that ladder?"

"Looks like he's climbin' the library," the yellow filly thought out loud.

The girls glanced to the right, then gasped.

"There's a fire, too!" Scootaloo shouted.

Sweetie turned to the other two fillies. "Girls, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The three shared a look of realization, then all at once, shouted, "CUTIE-MARK CRUSADERS FIRE-FIGHTERS!"

I was doing good so far. I got up the tree and onto the branch, and now all I had to do was shimmy towards the hive and hopefully knock it into the fire. The smoke wasn't too thick, and I could see the hive pretty well through it. I inched forward bit by bit, the horrible collective home of the bees getting closer and closer. It was here that I could hear their buzzing. It sounded as though the whole colony was calm, and that the smoke was keeping them that way.

*SPLASH!*

What was that?

"Don't worry, Wyatt! The fire's out! You can come down now!"

Scootaloo? Wait, the fire WHAT!?

"Did we get anythang?" Apple Bloom asked as she turned to look at her flank. The other two followed suit, and the three heaved a collective sigh at their bare flanks.

I, on the other hand, was scared shitless now that the smoke had fully dissipated.

"Girls," I asked in a calm tone, my anger not well-hidden, "do you even realize what you've done?"

"We put out a fire and didn't get our cutie-marks!" Sweetie Belle moaned.

I began to slowly shimmy backwards, hoping to not disturb the bees. As I did so, I pointed to the hive to get their attention. "No, you just got rid of my safeguard against these bees. They could attack at any. Moment."

"Fire makes bees not attack?" Apple Bloom scratched her head at the thought.

"No. It's the smoke. And since you put that fire out, there's no smoke." I continued to make my way backwards, still hoping to God I didn't anger the bees.

"Ohhhh," the three harmoniously rang out.

Then, I did it. I got to the end of the branch, onto the ladder, and began my descent. Unfortunately, however, my moving down the ladder was a bit too shaky, and shook the branch it leaned on.

*Bzzzzz!*

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit," came the words from my mouth at a machine-gun pace.

Having no time to climb down the ladder completely, I jumped off of it and, miraculously, sustained no injuries. The bees began to materialize out of their hive, becoming a dark cloud.

"GIRLS, GET INSIDE, NOW!" I yelled to the crusaders, who ran into the library screaming at the sight of the bees.

I bolted from the ground and right to the door, getting into the library and slamming the door shut at a pace so fast I didn't even realize what I was doing. My heart was pounding too fast, and sweat trickled off my face. I was breathing heavily, so much so that I ran out of breath from exhaling each time.

"I take it things didn't go too well?"

Twilight came from around the corner, wearing a sorry look on her face. However, she looked a little surprised at 2 things. 1. I was un-stung. 2. The Cutie-Mark Crusaders were now in here.

"Oh girls," the purple one asked the three fillies, "did you somehow get mixed into this?"

"As a matter of fact," I began, "they did. They put out my fire. Now I have to re-light it."

"Fire?" The librarian asked, confused.

"Yes." I was irritated that I'd have to explain this countless times. "Smoke makes bees calm. You're telling me you don't know this?"

Twilight took a notepad and quill and wrote something down. "I do now," she added. Honestly, with all her reading, you'd think she'd have figured that out.

Outside, it took about five minutes before the bees dissipated and went back into their hive, now on "caution" mode, or some shit like that.

"Hey Twilight, you have any matches?" It'd be better than bothering Spike, I supposed.

She looked around a bit, before finding some in a cabinet and responding, "Here's some, but don't use the whole pack, please." She used her magic to float them over to me, and I took them eagerly. It was then that two mares entered the building: Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. The moment Pinkie saw me, she went into "hardcore joker" mode (as if normal joker wasn't bad enough).

"PEEKABOO!" She yelled as she dashed right into my face.

"Fuck!" I stumbled back a bit. "Pinkie, why would you think that'd make me laugh?"

"Becaaaause sometimes when people get scared over silly things, they usually laugh afterwards! Well, did it work?"

I put my hand to my chin in mock thought before answering, "Nope."

"Awww," Pinkie pouted, "come on Mr. Grumpy! There's gotta be something that'll make you smile! Anything! Just tell me, pleeeease!"

My stern expression stood, leaving her question unanswered. I, in turn, asked her a question.

"You really aren't gonna let this go, are you?"

"Nope!" She replied, in a sort of mockery of my answer.

"You should see how far she takes these things," Rainbow Dash commented, "Cranky Doodle Donkey is a good example of that."

"Yeah, I'd know," I muttered, moving towards the door for round 2. Once I got out and walked outside, I repeated the whole process of getting wood and piling it together. I struck a couple matches, and I had myself a fire in no time. "Let's hope someone doesn't put it out again," I thought out loud.

"And we'll be here to make sure nopony does!"

Guess the Crusaders can teleport or something.

"You promise?" I asked them, not even flinching from their sudden presence.

"Yeah!" They all shouted at once.

After our little exchange, I made sure the smoke was billowing up into the hive again, and climbed up with the ladder. I shimmied on the branch again, getting closer and closer to the hive. This time these assholes would be beaten. I just knew it.

The trio stared intently at the fire, only taking their eyes off of it to check their surroundings. They were determined to make up for the mistake they made earlier, however possible.

"How's the fire look on yer end, Scoots?" Apple Bloom asked.

"Not bad. Sweetie Belle?"

"Bright as ever."

They kept staring.

And staring.

And-

Sweetie Belle let out a big yawn. This caused a chain reaction between the three, who kept yawning, feeling drowsier with each inhale.

"Girls," Apple Bloom addressed the other two, her eyes heavy.

"Yeah?" Sweetie and Scootaloo asked simultaneously, eyes just as heavy.

"Watchin' fire's kinda-" she was interrupted by another yawn escaping, "-borin'..."

The others nodded (off) in agreement.

Soon enough, everything went black.

Three ponies were making their way to Golden Oaks, ready to have a get together with Twilight. These ponies were Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. The three walked side by side, having decided to go as a group when they met each other while doing errands.

"I wonder if Twilight ever picked up that tea I recommended..." Rarity thought out loud as they trotted along, attempting to make conversation between the trio. As they made the turn towards the library, the three noticed something terribly wrong next to the tree.

Fire.

"Oh goodness! What happened!?" Fluttershy panicked.

"I dunno, but we gotta get over there and put it out fast!" Applejack commanded as the three rushed towards the giant tree. As they arrived, they saw something else that gave them quite a shock.

The Cutie-Mark Crusaders were unconscious around the fire.

"Rarity! Fluttershy! Take the fillies in! Ah'll put this out!"

Applejack turned away from the fire and used her hind legs to kick dirt onto the fire. Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Rarity set the fillies on their backs and rushed inside the library. After a solid five seconds, the fire was deeply buried, thanks to Bucky McGiligiddy and Kicks McGee.

Applejack took a few short breaths as the smoke cleared. "Ya done good Applejack, whew, ya done good." She proceeded to enter the library, hoping the little fillies were alright.

My hand was inches away from the hive, ready to grab it by its stalk. Sweet victory would be mine! That's when I heard hooves hitting the ground.

"Rarity! Fluttershy! Take the fillies in! Ah'll put this out!"

Oh shit. Before I could speak up, however, the fire was out. Soon enough, the smoke was gone too.

"Ya done good Applejack, whew, ya done good."

The door shut, and I was alone with the bugs. Again. Not giving a fuck about if this would hurt or how shaky I was, I moved around on the branch a bit, climbed down the ladder halfway, and jumped off. This, unsurprisingly, angered the bees. Once again, I darted to the door and slammed right through it, and then shut it with great force. Once again, I was breathing heavily, with a pounding heart and sweat to boot.

Fluttershy and Rarity set the three fillies down and checked them for any burns. The other three mares in the room gathered around to see what the commotion was about.

"So they were unconscious around the fire?" Twilight asked.

"Yes, although they don't look hurt in any way," answered Fluttershy.

They stirred a bit, and then woke up.

"Is...is the fire out?" asked a drowsy Sweetie Belle.

Rarity gave Sweetie a worried hug.

"Oh yes, Sweetie! Don't worry, Applejack's putting it out right now!"

"But that's exactly the opposite of what we want!"

"What?"

Applejack entered the library and rushed over to the fillies.

"Are they alright?" asked Applejack to Fluttershy.

"No visible burns anywhere," the animal-lover answered.

"Are we alright!? What about Wyatt!?" Scootaloo questioned.

"Wyatt?" The three mares who just arrived wondered.

They heard the door open, then slam shut immediately after. The ponies in the room looked up and saw Wyatt, breathing heavily. His face was a mixture of absolute terror and anger.

I looked around the room, and then saw her. The farmer.

"You," I pointed to Applejack. "You just had to be a hero, didn't you?"

"Ah'm sorry," she replied, "it was a misunderstandin'."

I ignored her. "Because of you, I could've been stung badly! Do you even know how disastrous that would've been for me!?"

"Yer're not allergic, are ya?"

"No. But it would've meant I've been stung in my lifetime!"

All ponies face-hoofed, (except Pinkie, who didn't really care). But hey, I expected those reactions. Nobody understands it, and frankly, I don't much either. I'll put it this way: I've never been stung, and I'd like to keep it that way.

"Y'know, you don't have to do this, Wyatt," Twilight said.

"No. I'm gonna do it. Twice they've almost got me. I need revenge!" I yelled as I burst out of the library, its exterior clear of bees yet again.

The human ran out of the library, still determined to take down the bees. Several of the ponies questioned his sanity, and considered scheduling an appointment with the local psychiatrist to get his head checked. They could've sworn they heard maniacal laughter outside.

Spike, having been upstairs most of the time, came down. His scales were shining, and he smelled strongly of cheap cologne.

"Hey guys. What'd I miss?" He asked as he walked down the stairs.

"Oh, not much. Wyatt's just gone mad is all," Pinkie said casually as she went into the kitchen and raided Twilight's fridge.

"What exactly is Wyatt doing, anyways?" asked Fluttershy.

"Oh, that beehive out there is causing problems and he's trying to get rid of it. That's all." Twilight answered.

"Twilight, you could've asked me to get rid of them. I'm also good with bugs, you know."

This was it. The grand fire. Nobody would put it out this time. The smoke would hit the hive, I'd knock it down, and it would fall into the fire. It would burn. All the insects inside would burn to death. It. Was. PERFECT!

"You're dead this time, you little shits," I told the bees, who were comfortably nestled in their hive. I repeated the process of grabbing the ladder, climbing the tree, and getting on the branch. I shimmied once again, ready to end this conflict. That's when Fluttershy just came out of nowhere.

"Wyatt, um, could you stop, please? Twilight said you don't have to do this anymore. I'm taking over."

I turned to face her.

"Ha, no."