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The Adventures of David Lebowski
CH. 4: Second the Year, 2 Party ( i think i may be slightly dyslectic)
Author's Note
Ooooh, look! A new chapter! Come my little ones, and devour and critique it!
CH. 4: Second the Year, 2 Party ( i think i may be slightly dyslectic)
"Dennis." I said in the most dramatic voice I could muster.
"Yeah?" Dennis responded, in a slightly confused tone. It was about a week since my visit to the hell above hell, and me and Dennis were having another playdate.
"I must warn you Dennis."
"About what?"
"The Job That We Do Not Speak Of, you will go there soon, I know it. You have all your teeth now. You will suffer the same fate as I, but I am warning you so that you may be prepared when you make that fateful visit. When I did, I was thankfully prepared because I was warned beforehand. You, on the other hand, may not be properly informed about it, so It is my duty to see that you are prepared for the visit to that hell on earth."
"And what is this 'Hell on Earth?'"
"The Dentist Dennis, the dentist."
"Oh. Oh dear god I forgot about those. Thank you, David, for informing me about this development. I will see to it that others are informed and that I will be prepared for it when the time comes."
"No problem bro," I said, dropping the whole 'I come bearing terrible news' thing, "I just didn't want my only friend here to be unprepared when you gotta go."
"Yeah, thanks man." After that little exchange, his mom came and picked him up, and my mom came in to tell me something. I was terrified at first because it might be that the dentist found something wrong and I had to go back to be tortured again, but no, It was just that my mom and his mom arranged that I could come over to their house every other week. That was a massive relief. After a week, I came to his place. It was pretty nice. It was a Victorian style house with a wraparound porch, painted green with beige accents. There was a nice big front yard as well as backyard, with a willow in the front and a full grown oak in the back. The next few months were pretty uneventful, other than Dennis also going to the torture house about 2 weeks after I went to his house. I also learned something about Equestria, they have no Easter. I think this is because back on earth, Easter was a Christian holiday celebrating the death of Jesus or something. Since Equestria has no Jesus, there is no Easter. Then the school year started up again, and I was reminded that I had to go there in about a year or so. I hate school, but not as much as the dentist. School just deals emotional pain, the dentist deals emotional, physical, and mental pain. But something happened during August I think, or was it September? I dunno, anyways, Me and mom were out on a walk again and were having a picket, when a little teal filly with a mint colored mane crawled up to us. She wasn't a toddler though, she was just a baby, the same as me. But we had a little exchange where I learned something that would benefit me a lot in the coming years.
I was just sitting on a quilt set on some grass in the nearby park, trying to eat a grape but failing because it was a bit to big for my mouth. I mean, who makes grapes that big? While that was happening, someone came and tapped me on the shoulder. I was startled, so I spun around while holding the grape like a rock ready to bash the head of whatever dared to get near me in.
"Woah there tiger, I'm not gonna do anything," The teal filly said, "I just came over to give you tips about eating that grape."
"Oh thank god, I though you were gonna hit me or something. What are the tips?"
"Oh, you gotta orient it lengthwise, then nibble it bit by bit, not try to shove the whole thing into your mouth."
"Huh, thanks." I said while doing what she just said. It worked like a charm, the grape tasted great, and I drank the liquid inside like a glass of wine.
"No problem. Also, what did you mean by 'Thank God'? Because I don't think there is a god here in this place."
"Uhhhhhhh, ok, ima let you in on something confidential. You gotta promise to never tell anyone about this, and I mean anyone. Not your friends, not your parents, and especially not the authorities."
"Ok, sure. What's going on? Are you some sort of, baby mafia boss?"
"What? No, that's crazy. I'm an alien called a Human that died a year ago and was reincarnated into this body."
"Really? Because that is the exact same thing that happened to me! I died a year ago and was reincarnated into this body! I was also Human!"
"Really?! Shiiii, nice. How'd you die?"
"I was struck by lightning trying to get home after work, how about you?"
"I fell down a flight of stairs in the middle of the night."
"And you died, from that? How do you die from falling down stairs? Were you like, old or something?"
"No, I was 34. It was a long flight of stairs that was made of stone."
"Who would make a flight of stairs out of stone and not put a rug or carpet over them?"
"It was outdoors and the stairs led up a large hill. You ever heard about Camels Back Park?"
"The one in Phoenix?"
"No, the one in Boise."
"Oh, no I haven't."
"Well it had a steep hill at the back of it, and it was so steep that to get to the top fastest, was to build a staircase up to the top."
"Huh, ok. Oh, look, it's my mom finally realizing that I was missing. Here she comes. See you soon?"
"Yeah, see you soon." After that, she was picked up by her mother, who was apologizing profusely and also scolding her about going off without her knowing. My mom said it was fine, and that I took a liking to her. I think they arranged a playdate for me and her sometime soon. I wasn't listening though, because I was busy eating another grape.
The week after that little talk with another of my last species, she came over while me and Dennis were hanging out. The talk went like this.
Me and Dennis were talking about her when she came in, and he has questioning me why I didn't get her name. We quickly stopped though, when her mom brought her in and set her down infront of us.
"Now Lyra, behave yourself. I don't want you traumatizing another foal again. You hear?" Her mom said, Lyra just nodded, because no one who isn't able of intelligible speech can understand us.
"Good, now, I'll be downstairs talking to your friends moms, goodbye." She then left us and closed the door, leaving us to our own devises for a few hours.
"So, Lyra, was is? Nice to meet you. David here told me all about you, which is just how you died because he didn't get your name or anything else! I'm Dennis by the way."
"Nice to meet you, I hope we can be good friends in the future." Lyra said.
"Yeah, me to." Me and Dennis said at the same time.
"Jinx! Double Jinx! Jinx!" Dennis lost the jinx thing.
"Oh you gotta do something for me now." I said
"Fine, what is it?" Dennis said, defeated
"Go downstairs, and get an egg from the fridge thing that they have," I told him, "But do it sneakily, so that they don't know your there."
"Sure, I could do that." He said, then crawled over to the door, hovered up to the handle, and opened the door and crawled out, closing the door behind him.
"Sooo, is this whats gonna happen every time I come here?" Lyra questioned.
"Dunno. Every week its a bit different than the last. Anyways, Dennis was reincarnated here with the quest to bring human music to Equestria, I was brought here also with a quest but wasn't told what it was. So what's yours?"
"Uhhhh, I think it was to assist someone in bringing human music here, and I think Dennis was the guy I have to assist."
"Huh, cool. Oh hey Dennis, that was fast."
"It kinda helps when you have wings." Dennis said, holding the egg, "What did you want with the egg?"
"I just want it, I like eggs." I said.
"Okkkkk, weird liking to have, but I'm not one to judge. I once hoarded Amazon packages." After that, me, Dennis, and Lyra, which we learned was her pony name and also her human name as well, talked about random stuff like our fantasy football teams, all of our past hobbies, and stuff like that. then, my friends parents came in and brought them home, I ate dinner, and went to sleep. That cycle repeated itself for a few months, in which the leaves turned into different shades of color, the weather got colder, and it rained more frequently. We got another family reunion in November, where showed off my developing magical prowess by lifting myself and a few small objects a foot off the ground for around half a minute, and I took my first steps. They were very awkward, of course, but I still walked! For about 2 feet before falling back down again, bashing my head against the floor and crying because I stupidly chose to do it above the hardwood hallway. Lyra got her first steps in around the same time as I, and Dennis the week after while we were in my room. Nightmare Night was about the same as last year, I wore the same guard outfit, Dennis wore a little suit with a top had and a monocle, and from the brief glimpse I got of Lyra, she was wearing a pretty pink princess costume. At Hearths Warming, I got my stocking stuffed with toys that I probably won't use for another few years. Hearts and Hooves day was also the same as last year, and I learned that Equestrians have something called Princesses Day, which is exactly like Presidents day back on earth. After 4 months, school got out and my mom got pregnant again. It seems that all that sex paid off in the end I guess. I couldn't wait for the birth of my sister/brother, so I am going to try to be the most patient man in the world for the next 9 months. I then had my birthday, in which I destroyed another cake and got a bunch of presents. I got a feeling that the next decade or so of my new life, would be the best years that I would have in my entire life.
The Adventures of David Lebowski
CH. 1: The Death
"Wow," I said, "You can really see the whole city from here." I was standing on the top of the staircase at Camels Back Park in the North End of Boise, Idaho. It was really the entrance to the foothills to the whole city, so It has a lot of traffic and a lot of old people doing cardio up and down the steps. It was the best place in the city to see the sunset, or just the city itself. Being a public park, It was open 24/7. And being me, who prided myself on staying up late, was up there in the middle of the night, when most sensible people usually slept. I loved nighttime city landscapes. The lights from the high-rises, and the lights from headlights on the interstate. There was a special vibe to it that I found intoxicating.
"Alright, I'm done." I said, ready to go home via taking the steps in the dark. It being the middle of the night, I mistepped and fell down the entire 55 steps and then tumbled down the rest of the unstepped hill. It still being the middle of the night with everybody asleep, no-one was there to watch me fall and then call 911. I sat there, at the bottom of the hill, in unimaginable pain, bleeding out of almost every inch of my body. I was thankful though, that I was rendered unconscious when my head hit the 14th step down. I finally died in the early minutes of 2:00 AM, a early riser and runner found my corpse lying there at 5:00 AM, checked my pulse, found nothing, and I was buried a week later. But, you might be wondering, "If he is dead, then why am I hearing this?" Well. After I died, I went to heaven, or so I thought. The afterlife above that I went to did not have endless clouds and angels playing harps or lyres or whatever they are. I went to a place that was slightly turquoise, full of stars, and had a 6 foot tall horse with wings and a horn.
Faust, Goddess of Ponies, Mother of Princesses Celestia and Luna, and Almighty creator of Equus, was disturbed by her beauty sleep by the pained yelling's of a mortal being falling down a large flight of stairs. Being a being who loved sleep like no other, was angered by this and immediately went to investigate and possibly smite whoever dared to interrupted her rest. What she found however, was a Human, who was usually under the jurisdiction of Yahweh/Jehovah, God of Humanity, Father of Jesus Christ, and Almighty creator of Earth. It was strange to see a thing she had no control over, disturb her from her sleep. Her angered personality quickly vanished to be taken by curiosity. She eventually decided, to task this particular dieing mortal with a task that she cannot do. But she was also very bored, and also decided that she would not tell him the task, which was to introduce Equestria to the Industrial Revolution. She also decided to give him the option to pick what he wants his body to be in his new life.
As I stood there in the starscape, the horse approached me, looked into my eyes and spoke .
"Hello David Lebowski. I am Faust, Goddess of Ponies, Mother of Princesses Celestia and Luna, and Almighty creator of Equus, though you should know me by a different but similar name, Laruen Faust." The apparent creator of the world I was currently a fan of, and writer of the show, said. I was in complete shock. I had a billion questions flying through my head. But I settled on one.
"Why? Why am I here and not heaven?" I said with a dumbfounded expression.
"I brought you here to complete a task. A task only you can do. I have instilled in you the knowledge and skills to complete it, and if you would follow me, you can "select your character" as you beings now say." She then started to walk away, which I quickly followed. "As for why you are not in your heaven, your noise from falling down all those stairs," I winced at the remembered pain before I blacked out, "was enough to rise me from my slumber, which is a feat in of itself. Now, please halt your questions for now. They all will be answered in due time. For now, come." We then walked through an ornate oak door that didn't exist until a second ago, which my brain just ignored in favor of more pressing matters, such as a single table, resembling those that people get for outdoor parties, the retractile table things, but smaller, with a simple wooden chair infront of the table and a computer sat on it. The computer was already on, and the screen resembled the character customization screen from a certain fan created game called Pony Town.
"Wait, is this something like those reincarnation stories the fandom likes?" I said.
"Yes. But unlike those stories, you get to chose what you want to look like, as opposed to letting fate dictate it."
"Oh, ok. I'll just go and do it then. But wait, can I chose to stay human?"
"No, not only would it cause a massive uproar in the place I will dump you into, but it just isn't in the games "code.""
"Ah. Damnit. Well, I guess I'll just go with my oc then." I said, before sitting in the chair and starting to create my oc. I started with a brown coat, with a orange mane and tail. I then went and made myself a unicorn, because in my opinion, its the easiest race to be in Equestria, with the magic they have going for them. I then noticed that there was no name box or cutie mark creator thing. I decided that was because that Faust wanted fate to have some fun. I then clicked the "Save Character" button, before realizing that she forgot to mention something very important.
"Wait, you forgot to mention what my task is." I said, a second before my body was swallowed by a white as fuck portal, and promptly loosing consciousness again.
Author's Note
Hello, me again. New story. Nice. Hope you guys/gals have fun reading the rest of my half asleep writing. K bye.
The Adventures of David Lebowski
After I blacked out for the second time that week, I found myself in a place of darkness, full of some sort of liquid, and a fleshy cord connected to me. I couldn't see it of course, it being dark as the space in-between solar systems, but I assumed it was an umbilical cord, and that I was in a womb. It was clear to me that I was a baby, with no idea how many months long I was. I was thankful that all my knowledge from my last life is still with me, because I could recall all of the important math exams and concepts I took and learned, and also all of my knowledge about Star Wars and every recent and not recent movie, except Solo, because no matter who owns the franchise, it is still peak fiction. With my intelligence safely guaranteed, I went onto figuring out how far along I was by feeling my body. I was obviously a baby pony, because my face didn't feel right, and I had no fingers. It felt like I was a fully developed baby, so I guessed I had a few weeks to a few hours until my mothers water broke and she had to be rushed to the hospital. So I waited. And waited. And waited. I had nothing to tell me how long I waited, but it felt like a long time, especially if all you had to do to keep yourself entertained was to float around and kick the sides of the womb I found myself trapped in. After what felt like several million years, but was probably just a few weeks or so, all the water flooded out of my "home" somewhat. I felt excited, very much excited. And I could suddenly feel every movement my mother made. It felt like she was stumbling down some stairs, then it felt like she was being carried, which was impossible in a quadrupedal race, so I assumed that her husband, or my new father, was a pegasus. She was then carried through the house that I was probably in. I felt the vibrations of the door opening and closing, and then it felt like she was lifted into the air rapidly, and us three were flying through the air, to a hospital.
After a short flight of what I estimated was about 5 minutes, we landed heavily, and I felt double doors being slammed open, and my soon to be dad presumably yelled for a nurse or doctor or whoever did the birth prosses. I then felt my mother and me being lifted onto a cart, and rapidly pushed down a hallway and into a room. After a bit, I saw something for the first time in weeks, a faint light. And very faint voices. I was pushed unwillingly into my new home, screaming all the way because surprisingly, after weeks of not seeing a thing, your eyes tend to reject light and that hurt a lot. Through my pain induced delirium, I heard a few words that was thankfully English.
"Its a boy!"
"I-I'll name him...Button Mash." My mom said before passing out. I was still screaming in pain, but I put one thing on my mental list that would last until I'm 18, I will legally change my name.
I spent a week in the hospital, I think it was to refit my new room into something that resembled me more, but I somewhat liked being in the hospital for the first week of my life. I had the opportunity to see the daily lives of a select few ponies, medical staff. They had about the same lifestyle of human medical staff, from my few days in the hospital after I cracked my skull riding a bike in 5th grade. They also had about the same medical equipment that humans have, except its a lot of magic and what looks like early industrial revolution practices. After I was officially let go from the hospitals care, my parents also visited me a lot, like, twice a day. I got to see my new home for the foreseeable future. It was a quaint, 2 story thatch roofed house, with a small porch in front. It had a nice little just sprouted oak tree, which I was looking forward to seeing it grow. From what I saw being pushed in a stroller, I was living in Ponyville. Fuck. If I was born before canon, then I will have to deal with a lot of shit. Anyways, as I was pushed into my new home, I caught a glance of myself in the door window. I had the same color of coat and mane I chose infront of that computer, and I was relived to see that I was still a unicorn. Being swaddled in blankets hindered my ability to move at all except roll around. Anyways, back to the house. It followed the same design scheme of the rest of the town, beige walls and hearts everywhere. I swear I will find the designer for these houses and beat him to death. I hate girly stuff. As we walked inside, the entrance entered into a living room, with a dining room to the right and what looks like a kitchen to the right of the dining room. The stairs were just to the left and a few feet back from the front door, with a door in the stairs leading to either a broom closet or a basement.
"This is your new home Button!" My mom exclaimed excitedly. I could only garble unintelligible nonsense in response because I was a baby, but I was trying to say "Nice place you got here, though if I could go to my room, that would be nice, thanks!"
She of course did not understand it, but I think she got the gist of it, because my father lifted me out of the carriage and up the stairs. I loved it of course. Because flying, that's why. We got to a door that was to the right of an open door that looked like my parents room. My dad opened the door with his hooves, I told my confused mind I will understand why eventually, and excitedly showed me my new room. While he talked on and on about the decorations, I will tell you how it looked to me. It was a brown painted room, with an orange ceiling. My crib was in the corner of the room farthest from the door, with a dresser next to it. The little dangly things that stereotypically hung above cribs hung above mine, with little suns and moons hanging from it. In the corner directly adjacent from my crib was a... dear god. A changing station. My mouth tried to form words it could not physically do, all aimed in horror at the changing station. I was trying to say "Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck oh shit." But my dad thought I was saying happy baby words. Curse these baby mouth and tongue muscles for not being strong enough for speech! My mom eventually arrived, and my dad gently set me down in my crib, and my mom then removed all my hospital blankets, and put on striped orange and brown full body pajamas. Then they left, hopefully to get some baby food because I was famished. I decided to pass the time by smacking the dangly thing. I let out a giggle, because that was the most I could move any part of me for weeks.
I continued to smack the the sun and moon, before noticing that my mom and dad were here, looking at me smacking things around recklessly with loving smiles on their faces. with my mom holding a bottle of milk in her hoof. I looked at the milk, then a wide smile spread across my face as I was finally getting fed real baby food for the first time in weeks.
The Adventures of David Lebowski
Author's Note
If you want a description of Dennis, look up Big Shot in the wiki
CH. 3: The First Year
The first year or so of my life was both exciting and boring. Boring because there really isn't anything a baby could do except piss themselves, shit themselves, and cry. Believe me, I did plenty of those. Mainly because my body registered every hiss of pain as a wailing siren, and also I had no training in this body by way of keeping stuff in. I will not go into detail or remember my first experience with that dreaded changing station. I would rather not remember it at all. Anyways, It was exciting because I got to see the lives of my parents without any masking because how could a baby understand such complex concepts such as "Taxes" and "Sex". That last part was somewhat traumatizing because I could remember everything, and also I was starting to actually love my parents. Speaking of parents, they had jobs! My dads job was the Royal Guard, with the Ponyville Garrison, and my moms job was as a babysitter for the rich people or ponies or what have you of the town. I also learned that her name was Cream Heart and my dads was Flawless Victory. Sensible name for a guard. I don't know how I was born from them as they are an Earth Pony and Pegasus respectively, but I really shouldn't question the decision of fate. But I think that they had a unicorn somewhere in their family lines that genes got into me. Anyways, something happened in the first month of my life that was something exciting. It was a family reunion.
That day I was just chilling in my crib, because I had nothing else to do, when the front door opened. At first, I just thought that is was either mom or dad coming home from work, but then I looked at the clock they put on the wall for some reason, and saw it was midday. Also, because my mom and dad didn't go to work today at all. So that was pretty suspicious in of itself, because they always went to work, even on weekends. Then I heard voices that were not the voices of my mom, or the voices of my dad, but voices that sounded somewhat similar to them but were not them. It was only after a few minutes of what I assumed were them and the visitors exchanging greetings, when my mom walked into my room with a strange pony that I did not recognize. That wasn't really a concern, because I never really left the room and no-one but my mom and dad came in here. But when she came in, the strange pony rushed to my crib, and picked me out of it. I was very interested in the pony who dared lay a hoof on me while my mother was here, when it dawned on me. This was my aunt, who was saying how cute I am, and the other ponies in the house were most certainly family. It was surprising how I didn't realize this would come soon, because in families normally, someone having a kid was a big deal. What I could only assume was my aunt continued to cuddle me until my mom told her that maybe she should save some part of me for the rest.
Back on Earth, I always hated family reunions. That was because I was an introvert and hated people and social situations. And here in Equestria, It was the same, Though for some very different reasons. Don't get me wrong, I was still an introvert, I just couldn't voice that because I couldn't speak. But now, I hated it even more. First of all, I was sat in a little playpen thing in the middle of the living room, with all of my toys in it, with my entire family sitting around and watching me. I decided to play the part of the baby so that they wouldn't get suspicious of me, and somehow picked up a ring from those ring things you find in toy stores, kinda like horseshoe rings but wood, and banged it on the floor. I think I am able to pick things up with hooves because of magic, but that's not the focus currently. The family all "awww"'ed at me, which spurred me on further, picking up the ring again and putting it on the other wooden pole nearby. After that, I decided to do something I have never done before, move something with my horn.
I started the process by looking firmly at the next ring in the stack, and willing it to move. Nothing happened. I huffed in frustration, which probably looked very cute. I tried again, while hearing whispers of "I think he's trying to do magic!" and stuff like that. I also heard someone tell someone to get the camera. While that was happening, I focused all of my willpower and mind to lifting that ring a few inches off of the pole. After a few seconds, the ring was enveloped in a russet glow, and slowly, and very shakily, was lifted off of the pole. I was startled by the flash of a camera and promptly dropped it. I looked up with a "who did that?" look on my face. That was punctuated by another series of "awww's". After that, I looked at the ring again, and lifted it off the ground with a bit less resistance than last time, though it was still pretty hard, slow, and very shakily. After about 30 seconds, It crossed the half foot long distance between the poles and stuck the ring on it. After that, I laughed gleefully and clapped my hooves together, when another flash of the camera startled me, and I fell flat on my back.
A couple weeks after that, my mom decided to take me for a stroll in the park. I was pretty uneventful, other than me meeting another baby in another stroller that we walked past. I looked up over the side of mine, trying to catch a glimpse of the other one, when my mom stopped and started chatting with the others mom. I guessed they were friends. I peeked farther out of my stroller when a blond maned head popped up over the edge of the other one.
"Hello? Who are you?" The other baby said. I was at a loss for words, I could actually hold a civilized conversation with someone else!
"You- you can talk?" I said, surprised.
"Yes, I can. I think that all babies can talk to each other because we all speak in the same unintelligible nonsense."
"Holy fuck, that makes a lot of sense. Wait, are you human?"
"Yes, yes I am! Or... I was I guess. Are you?"
"Yeah! How did you die?"
"Oh, uhhhh, I was in a car crash with a semi on the interstate. How about you?"
"I fell down a large flight of stairs in the middle of the night. It hurt a lot."
"oof, I feel sorry for you man. At least I died instantly."
"Yeah, though I was knocked out after 14 steps I think. Anyways, how old are you now?"
"I'm about 3 weeks old right now. You?"
"A month and a half. Had a family reunion 2 weeks ago. Did magic there."
"Really?! God, I wish I could fly in a few weeks, unfortunately, all I can do with these wings right now is move them."
"Yeah. Oh, wait," I said, "Looks like they're done talking, hope I see you soon!"
"Yeah! Me too! Bye!" He yelled back, me and my mom walked a few feet before she turned to me.
"It looked like you really hit it off with him. D'you wanna have a playdate with him soon?" She asked with a motherly tone. Because she couldn't understand what I was saying, I just nodded vigorously.
"All right! I'll set up one a week from now if nothing happens." I smiled a big smile, looking forward to the playdate in a week.
A week later, I was sitting in my room, lifting various shapes and fitting them into their respective holes with my magic, when my mom and the other guys mom walked in, with the other guy in her arms.
"Hey Button, your friends here to see you!" My mom said.
"Sup." I said
"Sup." He reciprocated. "Also, Button? That's a strange name, and I thought mine was strange."
"Oh really? And what's yours?" I said while his mom set him down and they left the room
"Big Shot. I think it foreshadowing something."
"Yeah, well, my officially given name is Button Mash, but I will change it to my human name as soon as I am the legal age to do so."
"Oh, ok. What was it? Mines was Dennis Miller."
"Aight, mines was David Lebowski."
"Heh, nice name bro, we're D buds."
"Hell yeah man."
After that exchange, we talked and played for a few hours, I showed him magic, he was amazed, and he showed me he learnt to hover during the past week. After that, his mom came into my room and took him home, we exchanged a brief goodbye in the form of a dap up and a "see ya." In true bro fashion. After he left, I felt the beginnings of a budding friendship that would last until we both died.
After that, me and him, as well as my mom and his, met on a weekly basis. We both traded stories of our past lives and our current lives, and I learned that his dad was up in Canterlot for some official business concerning his floundering records enterprise, and his mom was a stay at home wife. One day 3 months after I met him was a bit different than the rest, because I got a tooth.
We were sitting on the floor, playing with various stuff, when I felt a pain in my mouth, though thankfully my body did not register it as a cry like hell pain.
"Ahhh, fuck," I said while rubbing my cheek, "Something's in my mouth."
"Really?" Dennis said, "Lemme see." I opened my mouth to him, and he looked inside.
"From my professional observation, you have a rare dental problem for children your age." He said, somehow finding a doctors coat and stethoscope.
"Really doc?" I said, playing into the joke, "What is it called?"
"It's called... your first tooth."
"I got a tooth?! Nice!" I said while feeling around the general area with my tongue. "I don't feel anything."
"Well that's because its just coming it, I think it'll be about a week to a few days until its fully in there."
"Oh, ok. Well, I guess I'm just gonna go tell my mom when it comes. Can't really tell her anything if she cant understand me."
"Yeah, but you can show her by opening your mouth when she feeds you. Wait, I never asked. Does she bottle feed or breast feed you?"
"Bottle, thankfully. I don't think I will be able to be a normal kid if she breast fed me. But does your mom do it?"
"Nah, she bottle feeds me to."
"K, aight." And that was the end of that conversation. We just talked about random stuff until he left and we exchanged our goodbyes. Though there was one thought on my mind brought along by my new tooth. That thought chilled me to the core. It was that with the coming of teeth, was also the coming of a devil sent by Satan himself. The Dentist.
After a week, my mom finally noticed my first tooth. She was of course ecstatic about it, and as soon as my dad came home, she told him. And he was just as excited, gleeful at not having to buy any milk anymore, until my mom reminded him that babies can only eat solid food after 6 months after being born. My dad, excited mood lessened but not dead because its only around 2 months until he can stop buying them. It was also starting to become colder, as I could see that the oak sapling's leaves in the front yard that has grown 2 inches since I came started turning red. It was a faint red, but red nonetheless, and after I saw it, I realized that Nightmare Night was coming up soon, and that the decorations will be coming out of the attic soon.
A month later, with the leaves on the budding oak tree fully red, and the Nightmare Night decor set up outside with the stereotypical giant spiders, graves, and ghosts. My parents were dressed in their costumes, my mom a wolf and my dad just in his armor. They were deciding on what I should wear, because of course I'm coming with them. They were in the living room, I was in my playpen, doing stuff with my magic but still intently listening on their conversation.
"Hun, what d'you think he wants to wear," My dad said, "because I think that the little guard uniform I bought is perfect. He seemed to love my armor." He was of course referring to the time when he came home from work one day and went to my room still fully decked out, just without the helmet on because from what I saw, that's what makes all the guards look the same. I loved his gear because that was the first time I actually saw the guards armor up close in real life instead of the show. I also loved his spear, because my fascination with everything military transcends dimensional barriers.
"I don't know Flawless, maybe its just a bit too aggressive? I don't want him to be indoctrinated into the military." My mom said
"He won't be indoctrinated. I'll make sure of that. Now, can I go get it?" That was followed by a long silence from my mom, until she sighed the sigh of defeat, told him yes, and he rushed off to go get the costume. She looked at me, sitting there with a big 3 toothed smile, and said something I didn't quite pick up, and never will.
An hour or so later, and me dressed in a little fabric guards uniform and in my stroller, strolling through the packed paths of Ponyville, and with our bags filled up with candy, we met Dennis and his mom and dad. I think its time to describe his mom and dad and also my dad. His mom was a unicorn mare with a red coat and blond mane, with a cutie mark of sparkling dishes, his dad was a earth pony stallion with a brown coat like me and a green mane with a cutie mark of a spinning record. My dad was a pegasus stallion with deep blue coat and a cloud white mane with a cutie mark of 2 swords crossing and a 4 point star in the middle. While the adults were talking, me and Dennis talked.
"Sup bro." I said
"Sup, nice fit." He said.
"Thanks man, I think I'll invent the gun or something when I'm old enough."
"I would like to see that."
"Yeah." It seemed that the parents conversation was a brief one so we parted ways after that.
The night after that progressed about the same as any other earth Halloween, just with ponies and magic. But when I woke up the next day, it was November 1st and everything was back to normal. All the decorations and costumes were back in attics and everything progressed just like a normal day. It was in the early days of December, when the weather pegasi got snow on the ground and everyone had to wear winter clothing, was when I ate my first solid food for my life. It tasted bland as fuck, but it was solid food nonetheless, so I forced it down. Then, the day after, my parents came home with a pine tree and hung up the lights. I watched from my playpen as they hung ornaments on the tree and put the star on it, then hung magic powered lights on the tree and house. That was about a week before Hearths Warming. On the eve, we had a Christmas/Hearths Warming dinner, but with no meat of course. I of course made a mess though, because I was there in a high chair. As we went to sleep that night, I started to wonder, will I forget that I was once Human? Will Dennis? I squashed those thoughts as soon as they appeared. I would not let me forget what I once was, and neither will Dennis. I went to sleep with comforting thoughts of the future of what I will do. If I could, I will try to bring the industrial revolution to Equestria, because I just need to drive a car again.
A few months after Hearths Warming, Hearts and Hooves day came about, which is really a footnote in this story, so I'm gonna skip it. Anyways, when spring came and went, I sensed that my birthday is gonna come about soon. How? Because my mom baked a cake. And my families here. And Its today. Anyways, my first birthday was a lot like every other birthday, except that my family and Dennis were there except friends. I tried to blow the candles, but I didn't have the lung strength, so I just opted to smash the cake and make as much a mess as possible because I'm a baby and I can. Then me and Dennis, now with full rows of teeth, chatted about stuff happening in our families while the adults talked about useless stuff. All in all, my first year of life was a good year, as well as my birthday. My parents are good ponies, and Dennis is a nice friend. So I am looking forward to what happens in my second year of life.
The Adventures of David Lebowski
Author's Note
Hey guys, sorry about the wait. I got grounded by my parents for a week because of something at school, but I'm back now. Anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter, and see y'all soon.
CH. 4: Year the Second
A month and a half after my first birthday, me and Dennis were discussing what we were gonna do when we had enough motor functions to build things.
"I think I'm gonna invent the radio, or Morse code or something, but building a car would be cool." I said.
"Yeah, though my objective that she gave me is to introduce Equestria to the wonders of human music. She even put every song in my head, the lyrics and the notes on paper." Dennis responded.
"Cool, when I went up there, she actually did give me a mission, but she didn't say what. But I have all of the schematics of a lot of stuff in my head that I don't remember ever learning." I said.
"Huh, neat. What kind of stuff?"
"Stuff like phones, all kinds of them, from Bell to Apple. Also possibly every car in existence, as well as every gun in existence. I think Saturn V is in there somewhere."
"Huh. That's cool. Say, when you can, can you build me a guitar? Not a acoustic, an electric. I've seen so much acoustic guitars, I think that's the only kind of guitar they have."
"Sure, I'll also get you a bass guitar and a set of drums, in exchange for a favor."
"What's the favor?" Dennis questioned.
"That you would do anything I ask you to, no questions asked. Until we're both 18 at least, or 25. Yeah 25." I responded
"Hmmmmm, is there a limit of which you can ask me?"
"Yeah of course, nothing that you physically can't do, and nothing that is slavery."
"Aight, sure. But it's till 21."
"22." I rebutted.
"22 and nothing else." He said.
"Aight, sure. Until we're both 22, you do anything I ask you to in the realm of physical possibility and nothing that's slavery." After that agreement, we both chatted about stuff, like how he hovered for 2 seconds then fell and hit his head on the side of his crib 4 days ago, and how I pranked my parents by hovering myself over their bed at 1 AM the day after that, they were terrified and it was hilarious. After about an hour, his mom came up to take him home, and my mom came in to talk to me about something.
"Hey sweetie pie, hope you had fun with your friend!" I nodded, "I just came to tell you something, since you got teeth now," she squeed when she said that, not sure why, but it was very cute, "Your gonna make a visit to the dentist for the first time! Isn't this exiting?" When I heard the word "dentist", I filled with fear. I'm sure my face showed it too, but baby faces can't do fear like I'm fearing right now that well. Anyways, I cursed myself for forgetting that you have to go to the Demon who Cleans Teeth in the Most Painful Ways Possible. The absolute dread I got after hearing that was unmeasurable. I would rather go to the lowest pits of hell than go to the dentist. But, I knew I had no choice, so I resigned myself to my fate worse than death. While this was happening, she picked me up and spun me around, then put me back in my crib and left to go prepare dinner for the night. All the while, I was still processing this terrible news, and imagining all the unimaginable things that the Job we Do Not Speak Of will do to me. I swear, the things they do should be against the Geneva Convention.
The next day, me and my parents went there, to the dreaded building from hell, it's exterior misleading any unfortunate souls into thinking that it wasn't the literal spawn of Satan. The only thing telling outsiders of it's true purpose, which was to torture children I'm sure of it, was the sign hanging from a hook above the door, which was a tooth. The sign not the door, the door was a normal red door, except the red was the blood from children's mouths after they brutally ripped the tooth from it's socket. As soon as I saw that terrifying sign, I nearly burst out in tears. I only just managed to hold back the waterworks, but some seeped through. When we walked in, the entrance was another piece of misleading architecture, with beige walls with a oval shaped receptionists desk connecting to the wall opposite the entrance, with a mint colored pony sitting there with a teal colored mane. There was also an unassuming brown door of to the right hand side of the desk from the entrance, that was surely the entrance to the torture devices of this building. The receptionist greeted us in the cheery tone of someone who loves their job a bit to much. Psycho.
"Hello and welcome to Bright Smiles Dentists, my name is Minty Tooth and how may we help you today?"
"We put in a appointment for little Button here under the name Cream Heart?" My dad said because my mother was to busy telling me how great it will be.
"Ah, let me see here... yes, here we go. A checkup for Button Mash who just got his baby teeth 3 months ago!?" She gasped after saying that. "So cute! Where is the little angel?" She asked, like the stroller that was more than half of her size just didn't exist. When my parents told her where I was, she rushed over to my crib and took a look at me. There was something off about her smile. I saw not just love for her job, or love of how cute I am (bleugh), but something much more sinister. Like she will enjoy seeing me coming here year after year, and see me fear each and every visit. And she will enjoy it until the day she retires. And then she will remember my terrified face, and laugh to herself from my pain and fear until she dies.
"Awww, so cute! Oh I assure you Mrs. Heart, Mr. Victory, that he will love every visit here!" Lies, all of it. "Now, lets go meet Mr. Smiles. He's the dentist that cute little Button here will be with until he retires." We then walked through the unassuming door to the right that I mentioned earlier, and walked into the main building. As we walked through the hallway, I could only imagine what lay behind the closed doors that line either side of it. I do not like my mind right now. We then walked through a door with frosted glass with the name "Doctor Clean Smiles, Certified Dentist. Ph.D. in Dentistry from Canterlot Medical School." When I saw him, he had an off white coat with a navy blue mane. He wore a white doctors coat and had a tie around his neck that was clipped to his coat, which was buttoned up. As soon as I saw him, I could swear on my life and everything I hold dear that there was a flash of curled horns and that there was fire behind him for a split second. I knew then and there that every single visit here would be absolute hell. I immediately started crying to high heaven and praying to God that he died a horrible, horrible death.
When we got home, I was in shambles emotionally. That dentist has to be Satan himself, because even though he just looked around my mouth with those little mirrors they have, every time he looked into my eyes, he knew that I knew the horrors that will happen in the future that he will cause. He knew that I had already gone through this for 34 years before being born for a second time, and he will relish in it. I knew without a doubt that he feeds on the fear and pain of children that have been placed under him. I knew one thing, and one thing only. I have to warn Dennis and every other baby that I encounter about the horrors that occur at that hell house. It is the only thing I can do, and I will do it with unwavering resolve, because noone should go into that place without being prepared. I will also, when I'm old enough to convince them, beg my parents to never let me go there again. I swear upon The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, that I will protect unknowing infants from the horrors that await them at the dentist, with the best of my ability. Amen.