Chapter One.
Zworp.
“Buh.”
That was the first word…or noise out of my mouth upon falling headfirst through a particularly vomit filled fountain.
Long story.
“T-Twilight?”
The second noise out of my mouth was a long, pained groan as the hangover finally caught up to me, the bastard bitch. Couple that with an utterly searing light going straight into my fucking eyes, and I was not having a good old time. No sir.
“What is it Spike? The spectrograph is giving off some intriguing results and-oh.”
I shut my eyelids and firmly pressed my weirdly numb hands over my face, dropping low to the ground as the sound of like, clopping hooves or some other weird shit slowly got closer.
“It’s…it’s you?”
Alas, the noises, and subsequent voices, did not magically cease to exist. A second set of feet gently padding across the ground.
“It is…that’s…not what that spell was supposed to do.”
Warily lowering a hand, I cracked an eye open and glared up at the vaguely purple blur staring down at me. Fuck, that probably wasn’t a good sign.
“Hey.”
The purple blur tilted what I assumed was its (or her, judging by the voice) head, evidently hesitant.
“Hey?”
I nodded slowly, immediately regretted the motion, and waved a hand at purple.
“Y’got any uhhh…whiskey?”
Amazingly enough, that ended up being my introduction to one Twilight Sparkle, librarian of Ponyville, bearer of the element of magic, and student of Princess Celestia.
Somehow, it didn’t come as a surprise.
—
“So what you’re saying is, I’m a clone.”
Purple sparkle horse lady hesitated, before dipping her head down in a nod, gently sliding over the teacup she’d set on the ground in front of me.
“S-seemingly. It’s quite fascinating really. I was working on a spell that-”
The resulting magical techno-nerd babble was excised from my mind the moment I heard it, in order to preserve my own sanity. Instead, I focused on the tea set right in front of my…snout?
Did horses have snouts? Or ponies.
Fuck, was horse a curse here? Or a species?
“Hey is horse a curse?”
Twilight paused in her excited magic rant to blink down at me, the slight shock in her eyes telling me everything I needed to know.
“Uhm-yes. Whorse isn’t exactly a word that’d be used in polite company, I think.”
Aha, I heard the W there. Adding that one to the collection.
“Right right right, sorry. I think my brain’s still a lil scrambled.”
The librarian blinked in response to the statement, a flash of worry flitting across her face. Good woman, that horse. Or uh…good mare, that pony? Shit this was gonna take some getting used to.
“Oh dear, you’re not in pain are you? And from the sounds of it, you don’t have my memories, so I suppose the mental faculties weren’t entirely copied over-”
Pretty sure that was an unintentional insult of some kind, but whatever. I shushed the nerdy pony (aha, adapting already!) with a hand (hoof damn it!) and shook my head.
“Nuh uh.”
She mumbled back the words at me, and I nodded in response.
“Mhm. I’m hungover.”
One of her own hooves rose to gently push mine aside, before she tilted her head again.
“Oh, so you do have my memories-”
Shaking my head again, I waved a hoof back and forward, idly shoving the cup of tea away from me as I did so.
“Nah nah nah, I like-have nothing. Zilch. Nada. I’m just also hungover.”
I wasn’t sober enough to explain the whole techno monkey reincarnation situation to her, and I probably never would be, if I was being honest. Not if I had anything to say about it at least.
Ignorant of my internal vow, Twilight nodded thoughtfully, a hoof coming up once more, this time to rub her chin.
“That’s…odd. You haven’t fizzed out of existence yet, so you’re evidently not a pure magical construct. You seem to be made of flesh and blood as well. So uh…hm.”
Fuck, I needed a drink.
“Oh, your tea is getting cold. Hold on, I’ll go up and ask Spike to heat it up for you. He likes getting to use his fire for something other than messages, when he gets the chance.”
As the purple pony quickly turned around and trotted her way up the stairs, I glanced around the elaborate library she’d seemingly retrofitted into a temporary lab space, staring at the distant (about eight feet or so) door in contemplation.
“....Fuuuuck it.”
Contemplation which lasted less than a few seconds before I steadily drew my legs and hooves beneath me, somehow managing to rise to something resembling a wobbly stand without eating utter shit.
Pony muscle memory, fuck yeah. Or maybe just drunken expertise. Equally fuck yeah.
Gently placing one hoof in front of another until I settled into a gentle rhythm, I stumbled my way over to the door, headbutted the thing open (carefully avoiding scraping up the funky lil horn now attached to my skull), and wandered out into the busy street beyond.
“Hi!”
Only to nearly unleash a panicked litany of slurs as a bright pink face took up my entire field of vision, equally bright blue eyes staring into my soul as it did so.
“Eyyyyy.”
The greeting slipped past my lips on instinct, even as I leaned back slightly and took the new pony in.
“Eyyyyy!”
Yep, pink coat. Poofy pink hair. Blue eyes. Her butt tattoo showed off a trio of balloons. Pinkie Pie. Nice.
“My ma-are. How you doin?”
Pinkie Pie smiled wide, bobbing her head up and down.
“I’m doing great! It’s been a while since I got to welcome a newcomer to Ponyville! What’s your name?”
Blinking, I answered with the first thing that felt appropriate.
“Boozelight Sparkle.”
“Oh! That’s a really specific name!”
“Please give me alcohol.”
“...Okie Dokie Loki!”
The pink mare reached into her poofy ass mane with a hoof, the limb emerging with a bottle that was promptly handed (hoofed?) to me by the happy party planner.
I stared down at the beverage, some kind of cider judging by the apple proudly emblazoned on the glass, carefully ignored the physics of how the fuck it was sticking to the flat of my hoof, and instead promptly looked back up at the pony across from me.
“Pinkie Pie.”
“Yeah?”
“If you ever need anyone jumped. I’ve got you.”
“Okay!”
Truly, I had been here for all of fifteen minutes, and I’d already found the magic of friendship.
Click. Sip. Sigh.
And booze, of course. Can't forget the booze.
Author's Note
Yadda yadda yadda, I have begun the funny pony story. Some specific individuals might recognise me, so hello to you goobers. Most likely won't, so...nice to meet you lot for the first time, I suppose.
Anyway, let's see where this takes us, yeah?
Chapter Two.
“Snrk.”
The noise escaped my nostrils without prompting, as a hoove continued to carefully prod the side of my head.
“Boozey? Are you okay?”
Cracking an eye open, I stared up at the pink blur until it finally settled into the familiar form of my new friend.
“Mmmyep.”
The party pony nodded at that, letting out a sigh of relief before hopping away, giving me a chance to slowly glance up and look around.
…Where the fuck-oh right. Pony land. And drinks with Pinkie Pie. Huh.
Assuming my memories weren’t betraying me, after the cider, things had escalated to her inviting me over to her place for a party. Namely my expected ‘Welcome to Ponyville!’ party or whatever.
Said welcome had to be delayed considering we’d gotten a little distracted drinking, all while Pinkie interrogated me on what my likes, dislikes, party preferences and various other opinions were, presumably to prepare for said aforementioned welcome party.
Blinking slightly, I glanced down at the now empty bottle cradled beneath my hooves, and slowly sat up, a blanket falling off of me as I did so.
A quick look around confirmed things. I was in the funny bakery place, my counterpart idly sorting through things behind a counter somewhere, excitedly humming to herself.
Admiring the sight of the dozen or so empty bottles stacked atop said counter in a pyramid of fragile glass and broken dreams of sobriety, I settled back down into the chair I’d apparently been left in, pulling up the blanket and luxuriating in its warmth as I did so.
—
“Excuse me! Hi, sorry but have you seen a mare that looks exactly like me recently?”
The stallion stared back at her with a strange look, before slowly shaking his head. Twilight couldn’t help but sigh as he trotted off, glancing forlornly at the ground.
Her clone (which was still a bit of a strange thought to consider) had disappeared, seemingly wandering her way out the door while she’d been speaking with Spike. A grave oversight on her part.
An hour or two of searching had yielded little to no results, with anyone she questioned either assuming she meant herself, or declaring that they hadn’t seen anything.
Oh Celestia, what if her other self got hurt? She didn’t have any prerequisite knowledge for interacting with the world! Maybe she’d trip and hurt her horn! Or accidentally drown in a puddle! Or-
“Oh hey Twilight!”
Looking up, the unicorn found herself face to face with a familiar gray pegasus, her golden eyes slightly askew as she beamed in greeting.
Twilight forced a polite smile, though the concern still gnawed at her. “Oh, hi Derpy! Sorry, I’m in a bit of a hurry. Have you seen anypony who looks exactly like me? Not just similar I mean, just…exactly like me.”
Derpy’s head tilted slightly as she processed the question, her mouth quirking in thought.
“Hmm…” She tapped a hoof against her chin, then brightened. “Oh! Yeah, I did see somepony like that earlier! Thought it was you at first, but then she, uh…” Derpy wiggled her forehooves vaguely. “Walked kinda funny.”
Twilight blinked. “Walked funny?”
“Yep! Like she couldn’t figure out how legs worked, and she almost tripped over a hay bale. It was kinda silly.” Derpy giggled. “But then she went to Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie, so I figured they were both up to something. Kinda looked like they were drinking cider!”
Twilight groaned. “Of course. Pinkie.”
If there was any pony in town most likely to turn an already chaotic situation into an even more chaotic one, it was her. Twilight barely resisted the urge to facehoof before turning back to Derpy. “Thank you! That really helps.”
“No problem!” Derpy chirped, giving a little salute before fluttering off on her way.
The element bearer didn’t waste another second. She turned sharply, galloping straight toward Sugarcube Corner, her mind now full of far worse scenarios than her clone merely tripping over a hay bale.
If Pinkie had gotten involved…well, there was no telling what kind of insanity she’d have to deal with now.
And if cider was involved as well?
Twilight shuddered. She needed to get there. Fast.
—
“Annnd what do you do with a drunken sailor yeah what do you do with a drunken sailor oh what do you do with a drunken sailor cause I forgot the lyyyyrics!”
Pinkie Pie’s applause (and open giggles) at my stellar performance were interrupted by a rapid knocking at the door, prompting the earth pony to get up from her own seat and walk on over to answer it.
I busied myself with inspecting the empty bottle still sitting in my lap, lifting it into the air with my hooves (still didn’t know how that worked) and seeing if there was a hidden drop or two waiting inside, even as the murmur of conversation reached my ears.
“-inkie! You got her drunk!?”
Man, I was gonna need to remember this brand. This was the shit.
“-e was already drunk! And she handles it really well! Better than you did that one time at least-”
My attempts to extricate the hidden stash I knew for a fact was waiting somewhere within the bottle was interrupted by the sound of quick hooves impacting against the floor, until my head was quickly being grasped in a sparkly field of sparkly bits and bobs.
“Clone Twilight! Are you okay!?”
Did I mention it was sparkly? Heh, sparkles.
“Actually, she said her name is Boozelight.”
Pinkie Pie’s factual and truthful declaration drew an unimpressed look from the unicorn currently manhandling (marehandling?) my face, one that lasted long enough for me to rip my head out from the magic cloud (note to self, figure out how to make magic clouds) and clamber to my rear hooves, standing up on the chair.
“Wha-”
Wobbling only slightly, I thrust a forward hoof into the air, calling upon the years of experience I’d gained during my time in theatre. Which was none, because I wasn’t a fucking theatre kid, but oh well.
“Boozelight Sparkle! First and last of her name! Magnate of mystery! Baron of beer! Purveyor of fine mares and stallions alike! But only particularly effeminate ones!”
I finished the little act with a bow that likely would have sent me toppling forward if it weren’t for the magic cloud now desperately holding me up by my chest.
“A pleasure to be here, truly.”
Twilight Sparkle stared up at me for a few seconds, her right eye twitching, before she flailed a hoof at me like the mean meanie pants she was, a slight blush covering parts of her face even as Pinkie desperately tried to stifle her laughter from behind the unicorn.
“Get down from there you drunken pony!”
Honestly, the sheer audacity was impressive.
“Nuh uh.”
“What do you mean nuh uh!?”
“You’re not my mom!”
“What does that even have to do with-gah!”
In the end, I did eventually get down from the chair. But only because my hooves were getting tired and I felt like it.
"G-get off of me! You stink of cider!"
The fact said method of getting down involved falling on top of Twilight was just a coincidence, really.
Author's Note
And another one, because I feel like it.
