Chapters To Make A Deal With Death
To Make A Deal With Death
By Tehmustachedbiscuit
--( )--
Everything was black, not a dark black but an empty black. I could not sense anything. Suddenly, a tiny pinprick of white appeared in the blackness, growing ever so bigger with every passing second. After what I guessed was a minute it was about the size of a football. It was growing at a rapidly increasing rate by now, and with it I could feel motion. I guess I was moving towards the light instead of it growing. It didn't matter though.
Soon I started to see a silhouette in the white. A silhouette of a human I suspected since it stood in what I guessed was it's bipedal stance. The figure itself was rather shapeless, looking like a tall mound of blackness.
In a few more of my calculated (air-quotes) minutes I was inside the white with the black turning into a spot behind me. I could clearly make out the figure by now, they were covered in a large black hooded cloak and holding one of those farming implements from my history lessons back in eighth year.
Anyway, I believe I just proved a large amount of religions wrong. It seems God doesn't wait for the passed at his golden gate. Nope. I could clearly make out the Grim Reaper, clad in his black cloak and holding his (rather well maintained) scythe.
"So, Mr. Chastryle?" A dry voice said, which I guessed belonged to the Grim Reaper.
"Um... Sorry... but," I made sure to draw out the 'but'."You miss-pronounced my name." I gave an awkward smile to punctuate it.
The Grim Reaper raised his head, a very blank, unamused expression on hi...
"Jesus Christ and his army of furry fishes!!!" I screamed." You have the face of Justin Bieber!!!"
That Justin Bieber face kept on looking, his eyes bore into my soul. I must say I never properly listened to 'his' so-called music. I honestly thought it was an abomination, I even voiced my opinion to that irritating bitch who somehow liked him. That was a good memory.
"Is there... a problem?" The Justin Bieber face asked.
Oh god... HE EVEN SOUNDS LIKE JUSTIN BIEBER!!!
I forced myself to refrain from screaming anymore."May I ask why... you have the face of Justin Bieber? And not that much more appealing skull?" God it was hard to say the words "Justin Bieber" without having some sort of meltdown.
He raised his bony hand out of his sleeve and clicked his un-fleshed fingers.
Praise the lord. I now saw the normal skull that I expected but it was accented with some lovely pink lensed aviators with a gold frame.
"This better?" He asked, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"Much." I thanked, calming down almost instantly. "Anyway, you pronounce it 'Car-Stri-el'."
"Thank you for the correction." He said, a tone of annoyance escaping his jaws."Onto business, it is a tad disappointing to see a soul with such an exceptional future go to waist." He said, sighing at the end.
"But after much research I have decided that Hell is the place you belong." He continued.
"WHAT?!" I shouted. "IS THIS BECAUSE I NEVER HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?!"
"Partially."
"If you didn't realise, I ONLY HAD A LIFESPAN OF TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS!!!"
"Well I apologise but you got the wrong end of the stick, while you were alive you spoke words of a possible revolution, of how the system was but a sham." The Grim Reaper continued, flipping through a black binder.
"I thought death respected rights?" I asked.
"It does, but there are occasional exceptions. Very rare mind you."
"Well I guess even if they put me out of my pain I would still suffer past the grave." I said sadly.
"Death was never one for negotiation."
"Ding."
"Pardon?" The Grim Reaper asked.
"Idea! Haha!" I started to laugh in a manic way.
"Excuse me?" The Reaper said, tilting his head in an questioning fashion.
"Can I have a look at your binder?" I asked, gesturing towards my expected secret to success with my hand.
"..." The Grim Reaper was silent just keeping a face which if habited by flesh and what have you would feature a comically raised eyebrow.
"I'm going to be toiling out the rest of my days in hell, what harm would it do?" I asked, praying to whatever gods that I hadn't yet.
He sighed, reluctantly albeit and handed me the black binder which I happily took into my hands, and started to flip through the pages.
"B,B,B,C,C,C,C,C,D,D,D,D,D,E... Aha! Here we go, the 'E' section. Let's see... Edam, Efor, Ehentso, Ejemp, Ekail, Elemt, Emonte, Enem, Eniax, Eog, Epontifa, Equil... Brilliant! Equestria!" I shouted with excitement.
The Grim Reaper crossed his arms.
"Now; Statistics... Average yearly death count, thirty-six thousand four-hundred and twenty-four... point five?" I looked at the Reaper, eyebrow raised. "And why the point five?" I asked.
"Equestria's Changeling population counts as point five due to non-feasible passports and bank-accounts."
"Ah." Is all I replied with before continuing. "Average yearly deaths due to accidents; twenty-eight thousand seven-hundred and sixty-two. Average yearly murders; seventy-nine point five, Average yearly death due to medical conditions; eight-thousand three-hundred and fourty-nine. All in all... you don't get much business from equestria do you?" I asked.
"Your point being?" The Grim Reaper replied.
"I can make you a deal that will get you more business." I said with a smug grin.
"Continue." He said.
"If, you let me habit Equestria, I can guarantee there will be at least twenty percent more deaths."
"And how do you plan to do that?" He asked.
"That is the second part of my deal, in order to achieve this I need the ability to do some real magic, like the unicorn specimen of the pony species, except more powerful. For example I shall need the ability to change my form; internal and external."
"And what, shall be my gain?" The Reaper asked, his voice sounding almost inquisitive.
"More business, more labourers, more fun and less whining from me." I said.
"I don't exactly see much benefit." The Reaper said.
"Well then how about you give me a year, and then decide?" I asked.
"Alright, Mr. Charstryle. You have one year." He said.
"Perfect."
A/N: This story will be an on and off! I bid you good day. And also if you wish to favourite this please also like it!
To Make A Deal With Death
Chapter 2: Idiocy in Equestria.
To Make A Deal With DeathBy Tehmustachedbiscuit
--( )--
Honestly I was expecting something at least a little bit comedic or fun, but no. The Reaper didn't kick me out of whatever his domain was called with a giant boot or something. No, he just clicked his bony fingers and I popped into Equestria, even with a real *pop* sound to go with it. I had to admit, he had class.
I opened my eyes and found my peripheral vision was blocked by... leaves? I tried to move my legs but ended up losing my balance. I tipped left, then right and started falling. I honestly didn't care about the falling, and I have no idea why. I always was a tad manic.
I face-planted the hard dirt at the base of the tree, hard.
"A little less class."
I slowly stood up brushing off my still bipedal form and rubbed my face, feeling a bruise rising on the left side of my forehead. I then brought my hand down to my cheeks, rubbing over them and feeling for the stubble that I cherished so much before moving onto my upper-lip and rubbing at my manstache, checking for dirt and loose foliage.
A gentleman has to keep up his appearance you know.
I started walking, no town or civilization in sight, yet perfectly content. The countryside I was walking through was absolutely lovely, I looked around admiring the rolling hills. I was amazed, truly. Everything looked like pastels, literally.
"Hmm, maybe they get discounts."
I suddenly felt like breaking into song, always was a bit of a broadway man.
"I made a deal with death, not any kind of deal for meth,
I offered an advance, and by my good chance, I got my metaphorical contract signed,
And may I remind you that not every song has to rhyme, And Jesus Christ look a--"
"GET THE PHONE YOU STUPID BITCH, COME ON!" I heard a voice, mysteriously emanating from my pocket.
I reached my hand down to my pocket, tightly gripping the phone in my grasp. It repeated its' flattering tone for a few more seconds before I pressed the answer button. I looked at the caller name.
"Mark?" I said.
I then looked up at my connection bar.
"Wow, three bars. Thats better than in my own home! God these ponies have a good mobile connection." I exclaimed.
I pressed the answer button and put the phone to my ear.
"Hey buddy!" The voice of mark called.
"Hello Mark." I finished with a sigh.
"How you doing?" He said, his rather feminine tone becoming prominent.
I grunted slightly."Fine, thank you."
"Well thats good! I'll call you later!" He said.
"Talk to you later mark." I said before hanging up.
"Huh. Guess they didn't inform him."
My story behind the ringtone is insanely simplistic. My nurse tended to not hear things from time to time and ignore me at others, so I went on the internet and found that. Never again did my nurse not know that I was being called. Neither did the rest of the hospital. Although I guess it isn't exactly appropriate or stealthy. Meh, i'll do it later.
Soon I started to see, smoke? I picked up the pace, excited to see civilization.
Once I reached the crest of the hill I looked about and saw a rather quaint hut sat next to a forest largely populated by birch trees; Whitetail Woods maybe?
I decided that I might aswell try my new powers, its not like it would hurt.
I envisioned a navy blue unicorn stallion; grey and black striped spiky mane, yellow eyes, damn sexy to say the least.
The transformation magic was actually quite nice, warming even. I didn't bother looking at myself as I changed, who knows what weird shit would momentarily appear.
Then suddenly:
"THE PAIN!!!" before standing back up on all fours, acting as if nothing happened before cautiously looking down at my designated genitalia attaching point to see if I still held any mans pride and joy.
Luckily it was fine and I quickly withdrew my head back up to a level position.
I approached the cottage glancing around at the surrounding area, smiling at the small woodland creatures galabanting back into the trees. I'd get them later.
I decided music would do me some good in the department of entertainment and quickly pulled my phone out of my pocket with telekinesis before summoning a pair of large ear-covering headphones. When your halfway to almighty and power (Not to mention damn good looking.) you can do these things, free of charge.
I plugged the headphones into my phones' socket before unlocking the touch screen device, using the aid of a telekinetic finger to open my music folder quickly selecting a piece of music that fitted my situation quite well.
As I listened I walked into the house, considering the front door was open I practically felt invited.
The interior of the house was immaculate, reminding me of my grandparents old house I spent a large amount of time in as a kid. The entryway had an oak hardwood floor, a cream coloured wallpaper accenting it as it stuck to well... the wall.
I continued down the hallway into the left doorway which led into a cosy living room. Fireplace in the center of the far wall and various furnishing dotted across the floral patterned carpet.
I turned around and then carried on down the hallway, not noticing a faint noise coming from the upstairs landing. (Well obviously I wouldn't, I have headphones putting mashing a kaiser chiefs song into my brain).
I next walked into the kitchen not noticing anything of value apart from some sharpened silverware.
I then ended up walking into the bathroom... finding the shower still on... oh god the thought that just ran through my head.
"Stupid rule thirty-four." I mumbled.
I walked up to the washing implement, pushing the curtain aside... damn no mare taking a shower.
I quickly turned around and headed for the stairs, walking up them with un-expected ease. How the hell have I even been able to walk without one of the episodes of quadruped adaption that EVERY story, ever, features.
"Wait what was I thinking about? Meh, no matter." I said, honestly not caring, i'm mad, I do weird shit.
I reached the top of the stairs, only finding one doorway on the small landing.
The door was closed and I cautiously walked up to said door. I quickly brought my headphones down around my neck, freeing my ears from the present dubstep and tucked my phone into a quickly summoned black satchel.
I nudged at the door before opening it slowly, hoping for know creaks or noises. Luckily there were none and I was able to squeeze the front-half of my body from the gap to look around.
The room was in disarray and I could now hear a soft crying coming from a covert lump of duvet and sheets on the bed.
I walked into the room, trying to be as quiet as possible and luckily succeeding.
I was now at the foot of the bed and had a more simple job of identifying things, the first to be noticed being a blue hind leg sticking out from the mess of bedding.
I decided that I had to activate spider-mode. Dun! Dun! Dun!
I quickly backed up and soon reached the wall. I then starting moon-walking up the wall before reaching the ceiling and walking across that.
What's that I hear? Oh that's right. Badass alert!
I was now above the blue bed pony, ready to drop onto them when suddenly:
"GET THE PHONE YOU STUPID BITCH, COME ON!"
"Bollocks."
A/N: Might be a bit more serious, might not but anyway; Woohoo! New chapter and hopefully "Ve' shall reach ze' featured box! For whatever country this accent might sound like! Since I did some research and found that we had more views, faves, likes and what have you than another story that was in the featured box earlier to day. So hopefully that happens. I can also confirm that their will be a chapter every three days, if not I shall inform you why. Hope everyone likes! Also please comment if you wish and like if you fave! Tehmustachedbiscuit, self proclaimed insane badass, out! (Also inform me if we get featured box.)
To Make A Deal With Death
Chapter 3: Dropping in...
The mare went stiff and silent, as if she was a deer or stag and I quickly reached for my mobile with telekinesis fumbling with the buttons and irritatedly taking out the battery when I realized that the mare was, inevitably, looking at me.
"One, two, three or four?" I asked, using a smooth a level-headed voice and allowing the words to roll off my tongue.
The mare was a blue unicorn with a silvery and un-kempt mane, pink pupils filling her large, inquisitive and bloodshot eyes. I couldn't see her cutie-mark but I was pretty damn sure that I knew who she was, and honestly at that I felt a pang of sympathy for the mare. The had her head tilted, not quite understanding the question.
"Pick one, wait, no. I mean one as in, One of the numbers in the selection. Please, for my sake, don't pick one." I said.
The mare visibly hesitated before giving her answer, obviously unsure whether she should trust me, the infiltraitor.
"Two." She whispered, her voice extremely horse, hehe, see what I did there?
"Ok, we'll do it the nice way then." I announced." My name my good mare is..." I paused, I hadn't come up with a name to blend in here for covert purposes thus far, so I just thought one up on the spot." Night... time?" I said, unsure.
"Why?"She croaked."Are you in my bedroom?"
"'Zat, is a very good question mah' very good mare." I praised, switching to a germanic accent for absolutely no reason whatsoever. "Ah, am in your bedroom because... Why was I in your bedroom?" I asked, using the time to think up a reason. Whacking someone on the head and then carrying them with you in a potato sack sounded like... It would be a brilliant idea!
I raised my hoof, ever so slowly, not a noise being made, making sure trixie had full attention on me.
"Trixie." I whispered.
"What?" She replied.
I pointed my hoof towards the doorway.
"Twilight Sparkle." I said.
Immediately Trixie sat up straight, bolt upright you might say, not moving at all.
"Trixie!" A purple, oh excuse me, lavender mare said in a suprised tone as she came through the doorway.
As I watched Twilight trot over to trixie and give a comforting hug, Trixie still in the same position, my horn set a glow, a smile creeping onto my face as a similar glow appeared next to me in two shapes. One was taking the form of a 'T' shape, the top becoming larger and more rounded. The other item grew larger and larger, the inside completely hollow. A menacing look was in my eyes, the colours switching from red to yellow every few seconds. Trixie had taken notice as soon as she had started, didn't matter though, she was still petrified by Twilight's consistent hug.
I slowly paced further and further forward, slowly closing the distance between my tar...gets.
I raised the rubber mallet high into the air.
"Say hello to my..." I looked up at the implement."Rather... large friend."
WHACK! WHACK!
Author's Note
Sorry I have not been around for a long time and sorry this is short, but I have been extremely short on time and creativity lately. But that has changed! I am back and ready to write these stupid escapades. So many jokes to install! Arrivierderci!
