Captain's Travels

A wild Discord appears.

(Non-canon)

Captain stood before Princess Celestia, along with the Mane Six, in the throne room.

"The reason I have called you here," Princess Celestia began, "is because I may know of a way to send you back to your dimension Captain. I will not lie, this will be a long-shot, and will require the help of a powerful being that may not wish to help at all. The repercussions for these actions could be devastating, I did not wish to spring this on you so suddenly, and put so much pressure on you, but this is your decision."

All eyes were on the man.

"Alright, lets do this. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I just hope that neither of us regret those words." Celestia's horn flared, and for a blinding instant nothing happened. Then a strange male voice broke the silence.

"Then I told the guy, 'no I don't want sauerkraut on my cocaine.'" A cacophony of obnoxious laughter followed. "What the... where am I?"

The spots slowly faded from Captain's vision, and a strange new being came into view. The beast appeared to be an amalgamation of a mid-sized zoo.

"Discord, I have summoned you from your assignment to help in assisting this strange visitor back to his home." Celestia gestured to Captain with a long regal hoof.

"Ugly little thing isn't it," Discord said with a chuckle as he pinched Captain's cheek.

Captain slapped Discord's paw away before retorting.

"At least I don't look like my mom got gang-banged at the zoo."

"Ooo a feisty one. Where did you pick this thing up Celly? He's a lot more fun than your usual guests."

"He was brought here by the enchanted storm that has been tearing apart the countryside," Celestia stated coolly.

"Oh yes, that failed attempt at recreating some of my infamous cotton candy clouds. Tell me, why should I care?"

"You'd be helping out a poor soul who's just trying to find his way home," Captain said hopefully.

"A valuable, willing subject in magical experimentation," added Twilight.

"A new friend to go ice skiing with,"said Fluttershy.

"A great chance to have another crazy party," piped up Pinkie.

"A chance to rid the populace of a perceived threat," commented Celestia.

"Well, seeing all of the evidence presented before me, I'm afraid that I must decline your generous offer," said Discord.

"What? Why?" everyone asked in unison.

"Seeing as how I'm The God of Chaos, it doesn't really make sense for me to be doing favors to everyone who asks."

"Discord," Celestia said sharply, "I invoke The Laws Of The Ancients to force your assistance."

This statement drew a groan from the chimera.

"What's 'The Laws Of The Ancients'?" Twilight asked.

"The law states," Discord started, "that if this mortal can best me in three challenges, one of my choosing one of his and one of a mutually agreed upon third-party, then and only then will I lend all in my power to help."

"Sounds simple enough," Captain said skeptically, "so what's the catch if I lose?"

"What do you mean 'catch'?" Discord asked incredulously, "if you lose that simply means that I own your immortal soul for the rest of eternity. *SIGH.* There's a reason that it fell out of favor among immortals, far too many souls to keep track of. What do you even do with a soul, I never figured that part out."

"Discord," Celestia scolded, "do you accept or not?"

"Fine, why not. It's not like I had important things to be doing half a continent away," the god of chaos whined

"So what's the first challenge?" Captain asked.

"Lets get this over with. I Discord, Immortal god of chaos, do accept your challenge as set forth by the All-Maker herself The Great And Glorious Faust. My challenge to you is... a drinking contest. Do you accept or do you concede now," Discord droned monotonously.

"I, Captain, do hereby accept your challenge. Pick your poison."

"That's what I like to hear." Discord grinned maniacally before letting out a deep throaty laugh.

A snap of his talon was all it took to whisk the group away, and into a dimly lit room with a large table in the middle topped with countless shot-glasses.

Captain stepped up to the table, and took a long look at the contents of one of the glasses. It was a strange green color, when he wafted it, the stink of alcohol stung his nostrils. Sticking his tongue into the drink quickly rewarded him with the familiar burn of high-proof liquor.

"Let me guess, rubbing alcohol." Captain received only blank stares for his statement.

"You would think so, but this time I went with something much worse, absinthe."

Captain stepped up to the table slammed back a shot, and spoke.

"We gonna drink or are we gonna sit here with our balls in hand?"

Then shit went down.

"THIRTY-SEVEN," chanted the small crowd of onlookers. *SLAM* "THIRTY-EIGHT."

Captain now looked at the blurry shot he held in front of his face. The God of Chaos looked no worse for the wear, as he took his next shot. His glasses rested on the table, and the added blur to his vision only distorted him more. With a trembling hand, Captain placed the shot back onto the table. The man looked around, and saw the disappointed faces of the ponies around him.

With a groan, Captain fell onto the floor with a heavy thud.

"Ha ha," came a cacophony of laughter from thead god himself, "well my good man, I do believe that I win this round."

The man looked at the chimera,  and back to the floor. He attempted to stand, but wobbling limbs prevented him from getting farther than his knees.

"Necks schallesh," Captain slurred from the floor.

"How cute, he wants to keep going. Alright, challenge accepted." Condescension dripped from the spirit's voice.

"Puking contest go," Captain shouted from his place on the floor before bile rose in his throat.

The prone human won by a landslide.

"After a lengthy intermission, here we are in the third... um third of this challenge of the Laws Of The Gods. The Spirit of Chaos, Discord pulled an early lead with his overconsumption of absinthe, but the underdog from another dimension, Captain managed to lead into a tie with his spectacular gastrointestinal spewing."

"Pinkie Pie, who are you talking to?" asked a confused Twilight.

"The audience," the pink mare said simply as she gestured to a wall.

"Okay, I'll be... um over there," replied the unicorn as she made her way towards the rest of the group already gathered around Captain, and Discord.

"The dueling duo are now fresh and frosty after dealing with hangovers, and bathing with steel wool and chlorine. We will be right back after a word from our sponsors," said Pinkie before scuttling off to join the crowd.

In the center of the ring of mares stood Captain, and opposite of him, Discord.

"Fluttershy!" shouted Discord.

"Pinkie Pie!" countered Captain.

"Celestia!"

"Rainbow Dash!"

"TWILIGHT!" came a stereo response.

Sixteen eyes fell on the purple mare, each hungry for an answer to the question of the tie breaking challenge.

Twilight let out a small squeak as the tension in the air grew thick. Beads of sweat were already begining to form, and her mind race past innumerable outcomes.

"Um... uh... Ichooseacursingcontest," the lavender unicorn blurted out quickly.

The grinning chimera only laughed as he wiped an imaginary tear from his eye.

"You may as well gift wrap your soul for me now Wolf-Council. If none of you have noticed, I invented curses." A snap of his fingers, and the Mane Six were each trapped in a little personal bubble of torture. "Pinkie Pie I gave the curse of Tantalus. Always hungry, but never able to eat." The bubbly pony ran in a circle as an apple rolled continuously out of reach. "Rainbow I gave the curse of slow." The prismatic maned mare moved in slow-motion, not moving more than a few millimeters in the time she was in the bubble. "Twilight I granted the gift of wisdom." The mare in question was currently graying before their very eyes. "Rarity has now acquired the curse of Midas." An alabaster pony stood in stunned silence as her entire world turned a horrifying gold plate. "Applejack I must admit was tricky, but she has received my blessing of 'creativity'." The apple bucking pony now sat, no more than a giggling lunatic. "And Fluttershy my first and only friend, I have cursed her seeing me, and the rest of her friends like this."

With a snap everything was back, and nopony appeared to have any recollection of the last few minutes.

"From your stunned silence 'Captain' I'll take it that I win," cackled Discord before conjuring a seat for himself.

Captain pondered his situation for a moment, and imagined the metaphysical ramifications should he lose. He wasn't going to lose.

"You said that this was a cursing contest correct?"

"Indeed." Nodded Discord.

"Well then I suggest that everyone who doesn't want to hear me rant for a few minutes better cover their ears." Everyone present, with the exceptions of Twilight and Discord, covered their ears. "Alright listen up you cock-sucking piece of shit." Twilight covered her ears.

For the next few minutes, Captain shouted and stomped causing the god of chaos to flinch. After a while it appeared that he had stopped. Twilight now uncovered her ears. He had only taken a breath.

"Y chinga tu puta madre con un pinche nopal cubierto en chile rojo. [And fuck your whore mother with a fucking cactus covered in red peppers.]

This continued for another ten minutes. Give or take. When Captain's rant had finally ended, and the spirit of disharmony sat slack-jawed and open mouthed. The man stood grinning triumphantly over Discord.

"I take it from that stupid look on your face that I win. Bitch. Now help me get back home. Please."

"I'd love to help you, I really would, but you were brought here by faulty pony magic, not chaos magic. Out of my field of expertise. Plus given your innate aversion to magic, I could potentially be blasting you into Oblivion. Not hell, I mean the actual game Oblivion. So I think that it's in everybodies best interest if I don't attempt to send you back. But I do suppose I can do one thing." With a snap, Captain, Celestia, the Six, and Discord, were all in the castle library. The mad god casually strolled up to an arbitrary bookcase, got up on his tiptoes, and plucked a book from the shelf. "This tome contains the entire collection of enchanting magic from the most powerful enchanter known to ponykind. It may provide some insight, or even a way home for you. Unfortunately it will require four 'keys' to open, and I have no idea where they are. Sorry that's all the information I have. Goodbye," he said before poofing off.