A Comedy of Terrors

"You are, without a doubt, the stupidest pony I have ever met!" Nightmare Moon screeched in rage as Discord dragged Luna out onto the riverbank.

"I'm not a pony. Your argument is invalid." Discord nonchalantly replied.

The shadow twisted with fury.

"You're not really a pony either, are you? From what I can gather, I think you're more of a really bad mental disorder."

Nightmare Moon didn't even respond as Discord gathered vines from the ground and trees and wrapped them around the dripping princess's legs.

"But you were a pony for a little while, on the moon? Or was it more like a multiple personality disorder thing?" Discord continued on.

"Are you ever going to just shut up?" Nightmare Moon hissed. "It's been less than six hours since I agreed to work with you, the god of chaos, and now I'm sitting up on a riverbed with a kidnapped princess, up a river without a paddle. I think I liked the Elements of Harmony better than you, Discord."

Discord gazed up from the vines. "Or a boat."

"What?"

"You said we're up a river without a paddle. We don't have a boat, either," Discord's maw twisted into a devious grin, "but I think I can fix that problem..."

Nightmare Moon would've raised an eyebrow if she could have as Discord walked up to a rather unimpressive tree, its leaves drooped to the ground in a depressed manner, and its trunk was scarcely twice Discord's width. The draconequus popped his mismatched knuckles and took in a deep breath as he prepared to fell the tree. He gained sure footing and placed his arms on the middle of the arbor, and then pushed with all his might. For Discord, it was rigorous exercise.

For Nightmare Moon, however, it was a mightily entertaining spectacle. The look of strain on the spirit of chaos's face was bordering on constipation, and his entire body was shaking as he tried to push the meager tree over. It showed absolutely no sign of giving in. Discord then stopped, stood up, put his hands on his knees and heavily breathed in and out. He grabbed a large rock and smashed away at the lower trunk and roots, and then began pushing against the tree again. The tree quietly creaked, and moved slightly in accordance with his pushing. However it still didn't fall over.

"Oh, come on!" The draconequus shouted, and kicked the trunk. His goat's hoof stopped at the trunk with a loud thunk and his eyes widened as his whole body froze.

"Oww..." he mumbled, falling over to the ground. Nightmare Moon didn't know whether to sigh with contempt or break out laughing. Discord got back up, and walked back over to Nightmare Moon, pointing a claw at her.

"Hey, it's not like you've been doing anything to help!"

As if on command, there were muffled phrases from Nightmare Moon's area, but not from Nightmare Moon. Discord and Nightmare Moon both turned to Luna as the princess wiggled in her bonds, and her eyes fluttered open. She surveyed her surroundings.

"Pray, what be the meaning of- AAAH! DISCORD!" The princess screamed.

"AAAH!" Discord screamed back.

"AAAH!" Luna screamed again.

"AAAH!" Discord screamed as his left, clawed hand was enveloped in green sparks and a frying pan appeared from nothing.

"AA-" Wham! Luna was cut off by a frying pan to her temple. She quickly sunk back into dreamland. Nightmare Moon glared up at Discord, the holes in her shadow that served as eyes piercing him.

"I thought you said you had no chaos magic!" The shadow growled. Discord studied the pan in his hand and shrugged.

"I guess... I have more of the stuff than I thought?" Was his simple response.

He then started hitting the tree with the pan.

~ ~ ~

Candied Apple trotted through the streets of Ponyville with glee, admiring the festivities. The fair had many wonderful elements that gave it the element of a celebration, with stalls selling confections, souvenirs and other treats, but its royal, cultural and generally important nature was outwardly visible to all. The little filly was jumping for joy, and she closed her eyes, spinning around and relishing the incredible day.

"Hey, blank flank!" Came a voice that filled Candied Apple with dread. She gulped, and turned around to see two Earth fillies from her class, both sisters and wearing malicious smirks.

"So, Candied Apple... looks like you still haven't found your cutie mark. You might just go on being a blank flank your whole life!" The first, a faded pink filly with a striking red mane, snickered. Her sister giggled, flipping her gold mane with a white hoof.

"Don't be so hard on her, sis! Candied Apple might find something she's good at! Maybe she'll be a great workhorse someday!"

The two sisters laughed together, before a stern looking mare trotted up from behind them, giving them the eye.

"Red Carpet! Gold Trim! Are you giving little Candied Apple any trouble?" The pink, motherly mare tested.

The fillies looked to each other, and then to their mother guiltily.

"No, mama." They said in unison. Gold Trim kicked at the ground indignantly while Red Carpet just looked away.

Candied Apple looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Diamond Tiara!"

Diamond Tiara smiled down at the little pony. "Not at all, my little pony. Anything for the Apple family."

It was then that Spike and the Apple family caught up to the little filly.

"There you are, sweetie..." Fluttershy lifted her daughter up in a gripping hug. Candied Apple smiled in her embrace and nuzzled her mother. Spike and Apple Bloom pretended to gag, prompting a laugh from Big Macintosh.

A regal fanfare filled the air as one Princess Celestia graced their presence, surrounded by guards with various brass instruments.

"Your grace!" Applejack called, kneeling in a bow. Spike, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom followed. However Fluttershy and her daughter were still together in embrace. When she set the filly down, the two bowed. Celestia gave a warm grin to them all.

"A warm welcome to you, Apple family. And of course, Spike! Sorry I couldn't get these to you earlier, my nieces and nephew were keeping me longer than I expected."

One of the guards, a steely gray pegasus, trotted out to stand before Applejack. Giving a small bow, he reached a hoof under one wing and removed two white boxes tied with red ribbons. Fluttershy and Applejack opened the cardboard containers, and inside were two familiar, gleaming golden necklaces; the Elements of Kindness and Honesty. Applejack and Fluttershy equipped without hesitation, and the same guard chivalrously took the empty boxes back.

Celestia waved a hoof toward a large, ornate stage that had been set up in the middle of a large crowd.

"If you don't mind me saying, it's about time for the speech, don't you think?" The princess asked. Fluttershy and Applejack nodded, and started their way up to the curtained stage. Spike chuckled and turned the other way.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Is the savior of the Crystal Empire and the stalwart best friend of the Element of Magic going somewhere?"

Spike turned back around. "Wait, you want me to go up there with the Elements?" He asked, attempting to conceal the excitement in his voice.

The princess gave Spike a wry smile as she nodded her head toward. For a split second, Celestia saw the unspoiled glee of Twilight Sparkle's youthful assistant from thirty years past as the dragon walked, at a slightly accelerated pace, to the stage.

~ ~ ~

On the bank of the Canterlot River, a pony sat on the dock, levitating a fishing rod as he whistled a tune to himself. He grinned as he tugged on what felt like a good-sized fish, only to be crushed when he pulled up an old, algae-coated boot.

Needless to say, he was quite shocked when a felled, abused looking tree floated on down the river, being ridden by Discord and with Princess Luna tied to it by vines.

"Need to lay off the cider," he grumbled before re-baiting his hook.

~ ~ ~

"'Ell, I'm up a creek,

and I'm just chilling,

stuck with a little princess

and a shadowy villain,

I'm in a bad place

and I'm losing this race

and I'm getting cold water

in my face!"

Nightmare Moon groaned as her shadow was splayed across the tree's leaves. This had been the seventeenth verse of Discord's little river song, not counting choruses and guitar solos, which stretched on for up to two minutes apiece. Worse was that the guitar solos did not sound up to scratch, considering they were played on a frying pan.

"Do you have any intention of shutting up any time soon?" The shadow growled. Discord grinned and shook his head, resting his mismatched legs on the roots of the tree.

"Well if you're not going to quiet down, let's talk about something useful. What is our plan for getting back at Celestia? The Elements of Harmony beat us before, and they're going to beat us again if we don't think of something."

Discord stopped scratching the pan, deep in thought. Finally, he snapped his furry hand, while his bird-like hand shot into the air.

"We could ally as villains!" He exclaimed.

Nightmare Moon processed what he said, rubbing a shadowy face in a shadowy hoof. "We already are allied as villains, you idiot."

"No, you don't get it. We need more villains. Ponies who have been wronged by Celestia, or actually, punished for being wrong but they didn't take it very well."

Nightmare Moon found herself in the extremely strange position of agreement with Discord. After thinking for a short moment, her dark, flat maw became an undetectable smirk. "Do they have to be ponies?"

"What?" Discord turned back to look at the shadow in the tree.

"The changelings. Do they fit the bill?"

Discord laughed and clasped his hands together. "The changelings! Of course! They're probably just as mad at Celestia as we are! After all, I did see them get blasted out of Canterlot by that big pink magic blast... thing."

Nightmare Moon was pleased with the idea as well. "I don't know much about them, though. All I know about them is what Celestia told Luna after she woke up the next day. That, and all the seminars that Celestia made Luna attend afterward."

Discord shrugged. "Hey, my information comes from a day of watching big old bugs chase around the terrified citizens of Canterlot, hearing 'aaah! Changelings! Run for your lives!' all day."

Nightmare Moon smirked to herself. "You know, Discord, when you're not acting like an idiot, you can be a pretty threatening baddie."

"I wish I could say the same for you. You're just unbearable to be around." Discord laughed. "But seriously, right back at you."

Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes as the tree floated ever downstream, and Discord's song picked back up.

"'Ell, this town's got me in a rut,

and Celestia's coming after us,

but once I'm king I'll string her up!

I'm goin' up the creek."