A Comedy of Terrors

The hot air balloon drifted through high cumulonimbus clouds, fluffy clouds well known to be impenetrable by even the most hardened pegasus. Nightmare Moon peeked out from her suitcase, and noticed a stolen clipboard in Discord's claw.

"What have you got now?" The shadow grumbled, knowing that the abomination's answer would be stupid beyond the limits of the equine brain.

Discord flipped through the pages on the clipboard with one hand.

"Well, there's a record of traffic violations, closing times for all the Las Pegasus casinos, a list of the most wanted ponies in Equestria and their locations, a shopping list, a few small maps of cities and such..."

"Hold on, what was that?" Nightmare Moon interjected.

"A shopping list. The guy probably wanted to go get groceries once his shift was over." Discord shrugged.

"No... just... ugh. What you said before that. And I have a feeling you already knew that."

"Of course I did, sugarplum." Discord pulled out a pamphlet from between the pages and held it to the sun.

"Evil and You," he read, "your one-stop guide to all of Equestria's most vile enemies, ancient and otherwise."

"Oh goody," Nightmare Moon responded, "something else for you to play with. I suppose you'll make a pirate hat this time? Oh no, a boat. Or a crane?"

"You're really just egging me on when you say that kind of thing. And a pirate hat and a paper boat are the same fold, everyone knows that."

"Oh, of course they are." Nightmare Moon said, dragging out the word "course" as long as it'd go.

"You're just a cute little puffy ball of hate, aren't you?" Discord clapped his hands once as if to get his own attention, and opened the booklet. "Now, if you're not busy being so stuffy, you might find yourself able to think inside the chimney! You see Nightie, this little pamphlet contains a list of every convicted felon in this happy little land of rainbows! And most notably, the changelings!"

Nightmare Moon raised a non-corporeal eyebrow. "Every convicted felon? In that little stack of papers?"

Discord wiggled the papers before the shadow and pulled the heavy-sleeping princess out of the case. "What, did you expect more? Baddies are hard to come by in a land of candy-colored clouds and fluffy pink ponies."

Nightmare Moon opened her mouth to object, but slowly shut it, as she had nothing to say.

"Alright, read it. Who's out there who'd help us take back the throne?" She asked.

"Well, let's see... Trixie Shimmershine Lulamoon Flimflam and Flim Smokestack Flimflam, wanted for numerous cases of highway robbery and the crime of stealing Equestria's heart with their adorable couple dynamic."

"They seem... competent, at least."

Discord nodded. "Now let's see, last sighted in..." he paused, "Oh. Both deceased."

"Horsefeathers." Nightmare Moon swore. "Check another one."

Discord turned the page. "How about this one: Lyra Heartstrings, wanted for the practice outlawed magic, petty theft, kidnapping, treason, arson, breaking and entering, and insurance fraud. Last sighted..." Discord sighed with disappointment. "Seven years ago in Ponyville."

"Why are all the good ones gone? I wish that we could get this little pony, she sounds like she'd be a very valuable ally to have."

"I agree, though I hate to admit it. I wonder where this minty mare went off to." Discord looked up into the sky.

~ Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away... ~

A mint green pony weaved a speeding crimson motorcycle through the thick traffic on the streets of New York City, her exasperated and terrified marefriend gripping her waist for dear life. Behind them were Men in Black agents J and K, in a sleek black car pushed forward by a roaring turbo booster.

Agent J held out a small, alien pistol and tried to get a good bead on Lyra. The pony turned back with shock and reached to the side of her bike where she kept her trusty shotgun.

"Bon Bon, take the wheel!" She screamed. As the agent removed his sunglasses, Lyra bravely stood up on the bicycle seat, closed one eye, and pointed the barrel at the Men in Black.

And the rest... is history.

~ ~ ~

Discord closed his eyes and shrugged before returning to his search.

"Alright, here's Changeling One Five A Q Six Four, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. And then we have Changeling Three Nine Eight B T H Seven, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. Oh, and here's Changeling Nine Six J R Two, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. And then there's about six more pages of changelings and a little note at the bottom of page seven about how few changelings this accounts for."

Nightmare Moon thought to herself before asking, "Where does it say all these changelings were last sighted?"

Discord squinted to read the print. "Two years ago, in the Changeling Hive deep within the Badlands."

"And does it say anything about the Badlands?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"Yeah, the notes are right next to the flying bag of rock-and-roll flavored jelly beans and the collapsible hot tub." Discord returned.

Nightmare Moon would sell her soul to be able to punch him.

"However, I do have a map of Equestria!" He exclaimed, summoning a map of the nation with a flick of his avian wrist. Nightmare Moon put a hoof to her chin, looking up from her shadow's position on the balloon's floor. Though it had cotton candy and the stench of low tide stuck to it, the Badlands had been helpfully marked with a large red circle. A tweed jacket with brown patches, a bubble pipe and a set of reading glasses popped onto Discord and gave him the appearance of a rather demonic University professor.

"Hmm... an intriguing map, to be sure. Associate Moon, would you care to make an observation?"

The eyes in Nightmare Moon's shadowy face narrowed and the shadow held eye contact with the beast until Discord sighed and took the reins to steer the balloon on its way.

"You're no fun, you know that?"

~ ~ ~

Two Cloudsdale police officers flew over the village of Ponyville, scanning the ground for Equestria's most wanted pony.

"Alright, according to Intel, this is the hometown of our criminal. Look out for a mare with a yellow coat and a red mane." One said to the other.

"Dennis." The other scowled.

"Criminal, princess-napping scum!" One exclaimed.

Their vision covered every inch of the ground as they slowly soared above the town, until one gasped and pointed.

"What?" The other asked.

"Look! In the marketplace!" One shouted. The other squinted and there at a market stall was a mare who looked to be in her early adulthood, with a light yellow coat and a striking scarlet mane. She wore a small pink ribbon just behind her left ear. She was examining vegetables, holding them to the sun and sniffing them.

"It's Dennis!" The other cop returned, quickly descending. One followed suit, and pressed a tiny enchanted metal fitting into his ear until he felt the buzz of magic.

"Intel! We have confirmed Dennis sighting! Are we clear to engage?"

There was a grumpy-sounding grumble from the other side. "I would like you to call me by my full name, please." Came the whiny voice of a wimpy unicorn stallion in the Canterlot Police Station.

The other officer groaned. "Inconceivable Intellect, would you please tell us if we have permission to engage the mare we believe to be Dennis?"

"Yes you may. Thank you." Inconceivable Intellect replied as the transmission shut off.

The other officer was groaning when he hit the ground, giving the mare quite a fright.

"What in tarnation is goin' on here?" Apple Bloom asked. The shopkeeper was hiding behind a crate of watermelon in terror.

One officer removed his wallet from his pocket and revealed his badge. "I am Cloudsdale Police Officer One Shot. This is my lieutenant, Officer Other Option. And we have confirmation that you are Dennis, national criminal and captor of royal Princess Luna. I don't know how you got from Las Pegasus to Ponyville via business-sized hot air balloon in thirty minutes, but that wouldn't be the first impossible thing you've done today."

Apple Bloom's jaw fell to the floor. "What the hay are you talkin' about? My name's Apple Bloom, I've never heard of any Dennis around these parts!"

Other Option removed her sunglasses to reveal angry, bloodshot eyes. "DO NOT LIE TO US, DENNIS! COME WITH US OR FACE DIRE CONSEQUENCES!"

Apple Bloom backed up into the stand, and then tried to run away. One Shot stepped in her way, slamming her to the ground and holding her down.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Other Option screamed.

"ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!" One Shot yelled.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY! IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU!" Other Option shouted.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU?" They bellowed in unison.

Apple Bloom was covered in One Shot's foul breath, and they mistook her attempting to shake off the smell for a nod.

"YEAH!" They both exclaimed, giving each other a double high-hoof.

~ ~ ~

Celestia was sitting down for a nice cup of tea at a small cafe and doing her best to ignore all the attention when she had to stop in mid-sip and listen to voices from behind her.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU? YEAH!"

As an immortal princess, one of her duties was the overseeing of military and police duties. So she realized the Mareandahuehuehue Rights when she heard them. She picked up her tea and trotted over to see what all this was about. When she reached the source of the noise, she nearly spilled her tea. Two pegasi in the uniform of police officials were pinning Apple Bloom down before a vegetable stand, shouting in excitement about how they'd caught Equestria's most wanted criminal.

"What in the world is going on here, my little ponies?" The princess asked.

One Shot and Other Option looked to her with with wild grins. Apple Bloom was handcuffed on the ground with a horrified look in her eyes.

"Princess Celestia! I am One Shot, and this is my deputy officer, Other Option! Allow us to introduce you to Dennis!" He pointed at Apple Bloom.

Other Option nodded. "In the past ten hours alone, this foul criminal has ASSAULTED a royal servant, PONYNAPPED Princess Luna, and STOLEN the prized Discord statue!"

Princess Celestia's pupils shrank to pinpricks and the teacup slipped out of her hoof, shattering when it hit the stony path. "Excuse me, did you say he stole..."

"The Discord statue, ma'am!" Other Option said.

"She left the pedestal, though. I wonder if she had to saw it off. Do you think Discord felt it? It probably really hurt his feet." One looked to the Other, who nodded.

Celestia blinked once, mumbled something about a terrible vacation, and fainted on the ground in a slump.

~ ~ ~

"We... have been on this confounded balloon... FOR HOURS! ARE WE THERE YET?" Nightmare Moon screeched.

Discord studied his map, holding it upside-down. "Hmm, I assumed I'd get to do the 'are we there yet?' bit. It's an oldie, but a goodie."

Nightmare Moon was absolutely fuming. "You are without a doubt the STUPIDEST, MOST HORRENDOUS CREATURE IT HAS EVER BEEN MY DISPLEASURE TO MEET!" Nightmare Moon screamed so loudly that Luna stirred in her sleep. Discord's head slowly turned completely backward, his lip with an exaggerated wobble and his eyes streaming with tears of what looked like soda.

"Oh, Moony! Your words, they pierce my heart like an icicle! What maltreatment could've made your soul so very desolate and frostbitten?"

"If I had a a shovel and a pair of hooves to use it with, I would bury you alive and build a castle on top of your grave."

"Good thing you don't, hmm hmm hWAUGH!" Discord screamed in shock, falling back onto the suitcase. On the edge of the balloon sat the unmistakable, holey black form of a changeling. The creature grinned at Discord and Luna as its compound eyes focused and refocused. Many more changelings flew or teleported in until Nightmare Moon and Discord were swarmed. The shadow looked with absolute hate at the monster as the creatures closed in on them.

"I hate you."

~ ~ ~

"You say who attacked you, Miss Firmer?" The psychiatrist asked.

"I keep asking you to please call me Terra." Terra Firmer returned from the sofa, on which she lied belly-upward.

"And I keep telling you that I am uncomfortable with that level of camaraderie with my patients. Now tell me again."

Terra sighed. "I was tending the flowerbed around the Discord statue in the statue garden when Princess Luna came toward me slowly in a really strange way, and started assaulting me. I blacked out, and the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was make an appointment with you."

The psychiatrist adjusted his glasses and tapped the eraser of his pencil against his nose. "I think I know the problem. You didn't get much sleep the night before, right?" Terra nodded. "And I trust you're aware that the Discord statue was stolen yesterday afternoon, during your hours of duty." Terra nodded again.

"Well, I believe that when you saw the criminals who stole the sculpture, or rather, ancient godly tyrant, you were sleepy. Working for the princesses must be a horribly stressful job, and you might have been imagining that the thief was Princess Luna coming to tell you you were fired or possibly your repressed foalhood fears of some of those frightful old horse tales about Nightmare Moon, while in actuality it was the statue thief who assaulted you." The professional nodded to himself in satisfaction.

Terra sat there for a while before getting up.

"Thank you, Dr. Cortex."

Dr. Cortex smiled, again readjusting his glasses with magic. "Not at all, Terra! I mean, erm, Miss Firmer! All you need is a good night's sleep and you'll be just fine. Tell me if you ever have any more problems with this sort of thing!"

Terra smiled back, walking to the door. When she opened it to the waiting room, she screamed, and fell to the floor with a thump. Dr. Cortex looked at the patients, to find a young filly and colt playing with action figures of Nightmare Moon, Spike and Discord.

"Mental note..." he whispered, "Miss Firmer's next two visits are free."