“Welcome back to WHOOOO FARTED! Starring your host, me! And also, the answer.”

“Must we start every return from break with a reference? And to the same people, no less. Can’t you do something more original?”

“Hey, you started it with your reference when this episode began! I was just playing along. I’ll stop now, since it bothers you so much.”

“That’s good, but can you do the introduction? Let the people know what’s happening here if they missed what happened earlier.”

“Give me a break. There are some people starting from this chapter who don’t care about continuity! It would take forever to recap…”

“If you finish that reference, I swear to the writer…”

“...who is very busy right now…”

“…that we seriously do not have time to argue anymore, there are people that need our help! So, welcome back to Hey You, Down There, the show where we make everything up and our points don’t matter!”

“I’m Pinkie Pie, and Mr. Tilty Text here is the actual host, Discord! When we left, we were discussing writing clopfics, and as fate would have it, that’s what we’re still doing!”

“Now, it’s time to describe how to write clop when the subjects are fillies and colts! I would give a disclaimer like I did before, but my time on the internet shows that you care more about fetishes you don’t have over things that are actually illegal. And since when do I care about laws?”

Step 4: Kiddie Clop

“As always, we’re going to need some volunteers. Or at least, that’s what I call them.” Discord snapped his fingers, and his new subjects appeared: the three fillies known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

“Discord, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but wouldn’t things be better if you had at least one colt?”

Discord did a double take. “Wait, what? I thought that orange one was a colt.” For a creature created for chaos, being confused was new.

“That’s Scootaloo. She’s one of the fillies that freed you. The first time, that is. Most definitely female.”

“Well, she’ll do. There aren’t enough colts around anyways, and those fat and Trottingham ones insulted me. Besides, she doesn’t look like she’ll do bad.”

Scootaloo piped up. “I got my sexual interests from Rainbow Dash!”

“Ignoring the disturbing implications of that, will you three be willing to engage in some sexual activities for the amusement of many, despite your ages?”

Scootaloo hopped with her hoof in the air, like she knew the answer in class, though that never happened in class. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked around nervously. Apple Bloom confronted her friend. “Scootaloo, should we be worried that you’re so eager to do this? And with us, no less?”

Scootaloo’s eagerness faded, and she shuffled her front hooves. “Well…do I really have to explain it? It’s kind of awkward, but…you’re my friends, and you’re hot.” She covered her mouth with her hooves, mentally cursing herself for blurting that out.”

Sweetie Belle, though still completely overcome with awkwardness, managed to find some words. “Well Scootaloo, that’s something you should have told us, we could have figured something out. No wait, scratch that, I never needed to hear that you think of me like that.”

“Ugh, I hate Sweetie Belle. I think I need to make an improvement.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes went crazy and her head shook a little before she temporarily shut down and started up. “My sensors indicate that you would like to tap that.” Her voice was now completely robotic.

“Much better, don’t you think? And for reference, neither of the other Crusaders notice the difference.”

Apple Bloom hugged Scootaloo. “Well, ah think ah can experiment a little, for your sake. What do you think, Sweetie Belle?”

“Engaging in sexual activities will produce a 74% chance of increased arousal, and a friendship level increase of 13%.”

“Yes yes, that’s all well and good, but three just seems like too small a number right now. They’re physically smaller, so we need more ponies to make up the difference.” Through Discord’s will, in came Apple Bloom’s favorite cousin and Manehattan resident, Babs Seed.

Babs Seed looked at her fellow Crusaders, confused at what exactly was happening, especially when she had no real knowledge about Discord. “What are you chuckleheads doing?”

Scootaloo decided to fill her in. “We’re going to have sex with each other to experiment and make me happy. You can join in if you want. You know what they say, the more the merrier!”

Babs, also going through a little clop phase, ignored all inhibitions and dove right in. “Aw yeah, I’m gonna bonk you all so hard!”

“Wonderful. Now, while you get all heated up, I’ll explain a few key points here. Now, since we’re dealing with young fillies here, they haven’t learned about what sex is, or at least not in detail. Because of this, you cannot write them as having any sort of experience when they haven’t even been able to work out how to clop properly. So, they will make mistakes. But conversely, around their age, ponies are constantly craving sex, so it isn’t hard to get them into the proper situation.”

“Unfortunately, just due to biology, there’s really only one explanation as to why this would be happening: Heat. At their ages, heat makes them try to fuck everything that breathes, and quite a few things that don’t. It means you can pair them with anyone, but that can become even more illegal.”

“I know that you don’t seem to care about incest, seeing as I think you enjoyed Flitter and Cloud Chaser’s exploits best, but you’re combining it with underage. This is getting more than a little creepy.”

“What’s this? Are you doubting my absolute brilliance? Truth be told, I’m not the biggest fan of pairings like this, but I know some writers are, so I just need to provide an example for them. Speaking of example, I think it’s high time we get to that.”

“Might as well. Maybe you’ll prove me wrong on the creep factor involved.”

“No, no I won’t. It’s going to be just as bad as you imagine.”

“Scootaloo, what were you thinking? That was stupid, dangerous, and crazy!”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting in their clubhouse after yet another failure to get their Cutie Marks. After voting for it from nearly the beginning, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle finally agreed to Scootaloo’s cannon plan, whatever it was. Things didn’t go as anticipated.

“Well, how was I supposed to know that the Party Cannon wouldn’t be suited for my cannon needs? And I don’t know where we could have gotten a different one. You should be thankful that we didn’t get blown apart!”

“As I reminded you, our chances of success were less than 25%.”

Scootaloo glared at Sweetie Belle. “And as I told you, never tell me the odds! Where would my life be if I let math dictate it? Rainbow Dash pushes herself all the time, she never lets anypony tell her she can’t do it! She does the impossible on a daily basis!”

Apple Bloom slapped Scootaloo. “Scootaloo, you’re not Rainbow Dash! You’re suggesting ideas that could get us all killed, just trying to be extreme!” She grabbed Scootaloo, shaking her lightly. “Do ya understand what could happen if things went wrong?”

Scootaloo was shocked. Apple Bloom wasn’t one to get really mad, much less yell at her friends. Deep down, she knew that Apple Bloom was right, and the thoughts of the possible repercussions of her plans came forth. She had to fight to hold back tears.

Apple Bloom noticed what she had done, and immediately felt sorry. She hugged Scootaloo tightly, patting her on the back. “Ah’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, I just needed you to understand what you’re doing wrong. The important thing is that we’re all okay now, and we need to avoid this sort of thing in the future.”

Scootaloo felt Apple Bloom’s coat against hers, holding her close. The heat coming off of her friend’s body was making her heart race, and she felt her wings extending. Thankfully, neither Apple Bloom nor Sweetie Belle understood that it was due to arousal.

Recently, Scootaloo had been feeling distracted. She had been told that at her age, it was normal for her to start really noticing colts. She had been having changes like that, but with one small difference. It was the fillies that were grabbing her attention.

After a little bit of research, she found that this sort of thing did happen, and there was nothing wrong with her. In fact, due to some clever eavesdropping, she found that Rainbow Dash felt the same way. The real problem was exactly which fillies she found herself attracted to. It wasn’t Dinky, it wasn’t Ruby Pinch, and it thankfully wasn’t Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, or Twist. It was her friends, the ones she was such close friends with that any sort of sexual interest seemed wrong.

Nevertheless, here was Apple Bloom, moved back a little from her hug, her face now directly in front of Scootaloo’s. She couldn’t help herself. She pushed herself into Apple Bloom, giving her a long kiss. Though Scootaloo couldn’t see, Apple Bloom’s eyes were wide in panic.

Once the kiss ended and Scootaloo pulled away, Apple Bloom could only sit there, speechless. Scootaloo was also silent, just hitting her head with her hoof for doing something so stupid. Sweetie Belle broke the silence, “I detect an increase of hormones by 67%, from both subjects”.

Scootaloo stopped hitting herself, and looked at Apple Bloom. “You…you enjoyed it? Didn’t you just finish yelling at me for doing stupid things?”

Apple Bloom attempted to avoid eye contact, but still answered the question. “Y-yeah. It just came out of nowhere, no reason, and it was not what I was expecting my first kiss to be like. But I can’t really say that it wasn’t good. And it certainly wasn’t dangerous.”

“That’s the thing, it wasn’t without a reason. I’ve started realizing that I’m attracted to fillies, not colts. And it just so happens that you two are at the top of the list. I think you’re both hot. But, something about this still doesn’t seem right. I thought that if I showed you my feelings, this hot feeling would go away. It’s still there, and it’s really uncomfortable.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes lit up, almost literally, as she knew the answer. “Rarity talks about doing it with stallions at least 74% of the time! And when she has a stallion in her room, activity and movement increases twofold! As does noise! I’ve internally documented the proper procedures and motions. It just requires editing for lack of colt and/or stallion.”

Apple Bloom looked at Scootaloo and shrugged. “Well, ya can’t argue with Sweetie Belle. How do we start?”

“Place Pony #1 lying face up on surface of choice, hind legs spread apart. Insert Pony #2 over Pony #1, standing over Pony #1.”

Scootaloo held her hoof in the air. “Which one of us is supposed to be 1 or 2?”

Sweetie Belle clarified. “Pony #2 is the dominative one, usually the male. It is the one doing most of the work.”

Scootaloo and Apple Bloom looked at each other, each knowing that the other was thinking the exact same question. Scootaloo was the first to ask it out loud. “Do you want to be #2? You always seem like the kind to take charge, like your sister does.”

Apple Bloom was a little nervous, but eventually agreed. Scootaloo got started by lying on the clubhouse’s wooden floor, hind legs apart as per Sweetie Belle’s instructions. Apple Bloom stood over Scootaloo, though with hesitation. Once both were in position, they just stayed there, unsure of what to do next. “Sweetie Belle? What’s next,” Apple Bloom asked.

“Pony #2 slowly moves towards Pony #1, inserting his connector into her connection port. Fun commences with motion!”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo once again looked at each other again, just as confused as before. Neither of them had a “connector”, which was going to make things difficult. As both were about to bring up this point, the door to the clubhouse swung open, revealing Babs Seed in her Crusaders Cape. She was excited to see her favorite cousin and friends again, until she got a look at what was happening.

Apple Bloom facehoofed. “Ah forgot to mention, but Babs Seed was supposed to come today. Sorry.”

Babs was partially very confused. On the one hoof, she did actually understand what was happening between Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. On the other, she didn’t know why. “Erm…what’s goin’ on here?”

Sweetie Belle, always the wealth of information, provided the exposition. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom are attempting to consummate their relationship under my instruction. Now that our numbers have increased, Ponies #3 and above provide additional pleasure to all ponies engaged in the activity. The two of us shall fill that role, if Babs Seed consents.”

Babs smiled and walked to the rest of the group, removing her cape. “Say goodbye to your kneecaps, chuckleheads. BONK!”

“And my watch is telling me that we have run out of time.”

“What? Since when do you wear a watch?” Pinkie looked over at Discord’s wrist. “That’s just a drawing. Something seems to be wrong. You forgot to draw the battery!”

“The previous scene does not have a need to continue, as you can apply the previous concepts learned to this scenario. And that concludes another episode of Hey You, Down There. I hope that this has been informative for all you watching, and good day!” Discord waited a few seconds before turning to Pinkie Pie. “So, now that that’s over, how about we take the concepts and apply them in the bedroom?”

Pinkie gave her best bedroom eyes as she stood up, waving for Discord to follow. “Don’t keep me waiting, then! And make sure to bring the wheel.”

Discord stood up and grabbed their Wheel of Fetishes, ready to use it to determine their next course of actions.

Flame Bristle stepped through the door of Fluttershy’s cottage, walking out into the open air. The sun was still high in the sky, and everything was serene. He looked back inside, knowing that his very satisfied mare was laying in bed upstairs, resting off the exhausting morning. Bristle walked out a few more steps, stood up on his hind legs, held his forehooves in the air, and screamed for the world to hear.

“DOWNWARD FUCKING DOG!”

Author's Note

Well...this was...an experiment. I sometimes had fun writing it, and sometimes it was just too awkward to put into words. Surprisingly, this was less awkward to write than the last chapter, which says something really, really bad. As Discord said in the first chapter, I claim no copyrights. Please, feel free to expand upon the story ideas I came up with. You'd probably do a better job than I did or would.

And if you're an aspiring clopfic writer, just remember that while this was written to be informative, and it does have some good points, most of it was just a joke, and you shouldn't listen.

And thanks to all of you for making this my most popular story yet. It's probably not my favorite, but it has the most universal appeal. And that's just sad.