"This is wrong!"

"It's not so wrong!"

"'Cause this is Discord!"

"Welcome back to Hey You, Down There! And may I say, it's damn good to be back."

"We've been off the air for the past few months due to 'legal investigations' about our supposed 'foal pornography'. I told you it was a bad idea, but you just had to make a point!"

"It was effective, wasn't it? I'm sure our broadcast is being shown in schools across Equestria right now as a sex-ed PSA. It also rocketed this story to stardom. Or at least, as close to stardom as we can ever expect this author to get. Still pretty pathetic. But we're not here to discuss the supposed virginity of our writer (not yet at least), we've got a show to run! Italics are Discord..."

"...and underlines are Pinkie Pie! Hey You, Down There is a show about answering the questions of life, and offering our advice to the masses. As our wonderful host was getting into, we recently hit it big with an episode about clopfics. It was probably a topic we shouldn't have touched, it led to a few inappropriate scenarios being played for all to see."

"I wouldn't let my kid watch it."

Pinkie leaned away from Discord, still sitting in her chair. "You have a kid?!"

Discord didn't notice Pinkie's shock at the revelation he casually released, he was instead admiring his claws. "That's what the courts tell me. Anyway, I thought it'd be so much fun if we revisited the topic for our return episode."

"For the record, I was against the idea. But I agreed on the single term that we don't do anything illegal this time."

"Don't worry, my dear Pie. It's not like I enjoyed being questioned and detained. Do you know what they do to creatures like me in prison? The subject today is pretty much just covering my ass, something I got good at in the prison showers. I was looking over our earlier sexcapades, and when we were first starting, it sounded like I was implying I was against male/male gay sex. That's simply not true. The penis is a wonderful thing."

"I can attest to this. It's interesting to see you backpedal on your previous stance. It's a whole new side of you."

"Don't get used to it, I have a reason for this. As a part of my community service, I took a visit to a small desert town called Appleloosa to help with making pies. And while I was there, I met the most amazing stallion. He was a master of speaking, working, and passion. I could swear the entire town was gay for him. He was...Braeburn."

"Ah yes, Braeburn. I got a good chance to get to know him when we visited Appleloosa to deliver Bloomberg. I fucked him hard."

"So did I. He was so incredible that we had to dedicate a segment to his glory. So, here's the next episode of Hey You, Down There..."

Step 5: Everypony's Brae for Gayburn

"No, this segment isn't going to be writing general gay sex. It's going to just be about Braeburn. Let's face it, you're all going to write something about Braeburn at some point. I've seen what crap you guys write, Braeburn is practically guaranteed to be the subject of one of your stories. We're not judging you, the stallion is a sex god, and he deserves whatever you write about him."

"I'll give you a short bio of Braeburn so you can write him effectively. He's a member of the Apple family, and one of the few that built and founded Appleloosa. His voice is higher on the standard male pitch, he loves his town, and he's sexy incarnate. Stallions regularly turn gay for him, members of the family start condoning incest for him, and mares become bi. Just because. Every strand of fur in his luscious coat is made of pure arousal."

"I don't like to be bound to this mortal world, but I couldn't agree more. There's just something about him that's completely irresistible. You put your eyes on him, and any assumptions that you were straight melt away. There will be no thought on your mind beyond sucking his beautiful cock."

"This is literally nothing more than fan wank. Just a fair warning."

"No, it's because Braeburn transcends our plane of screwing, and he must be represented as such in any clopfic starring him. But...I'm not sure if even I could come up with anything worthy of his name. I think the only thing I could possibly do is retell my experience. But for those who've never experienced it and still want to write it, I can only give one rule: hyperbole is your friend. Embellish like there's no tomorrow. There's no such thing as going too far in this situation. Anything you can imagine, he can do."

"Discord, do you understand your charges?"

Discord was standing in front of a court, answering for his crimes. There was no jury for his trial, and the audience was nothing but government officials. The judge was Princess Celestia, and she was not happy.

"Remind me."

She pulled a large stack of papers and straightened them on the desk. "Have you any idea how many sexual assault charges you've accumulated? Not only has your show pulled many unwilling ponies into inappropriate situations against their will..."

"Hey, they enjoyed it once it started!"

"...but you pulled minors into it! You can't get away with something like that! It's incredibly wrong and illegal! That's the sort of crime that could have you put into prison for the rest of your life! Do you want to be put back into stone? And let's not even get into your inanimate interests..."

Discord pointed an accusing finger. "Do you have any proof on that?"

Celestia, not amused, looked back down at her papers. "You have previously, on record might I add, said that you 'put your package in my mailbox, made love to all my chairs, dropped a load inside my washer, and went down on all my stairs.' All while pelvic thrusting, I might add. You also provided pictures." She held up an envelope.

He crossed his arms defiantly. "Didn't even mention the vacuum. But in response to your earlier point, if you look at the recordings again, you will see that the Cutie Mark Crusaders never engaged in intercourse on my show. If they later did, you can hardly blame it on me."

Celestia's eyes nervously darted between Discord and her files. "O-oh. I m-must have misread that." She regained her composure. "But that's hardly enough to clear you of all charges."

"Admit it, you're just looking for excuses to convict me of something. You just want to make sure I suffer for...something."

"Because being a god of chaos who wants to do nothing but cause havoc and bother me isn't enough. My decision is final. Your punishment for your crimes against nature and decency is...community service. And don't attempt to use your powers, any attempts to do so will result in immediate stoning."

Discord pumped his fist. "NOT THAT KIND OF STONING! I swear, you're absolutely unmanageable. You will be relocated to Appleoosa to help with their annual pie making. While there, you are under their jurisdiction. And they haven't seen a reason to outlaw public hangings yet."

He pulled out a floral patterned shirt and sunglasses. "So when do I start my vacation?"

Celestia, pretty suitably pissed now, ripped the sunglasses off and smashed them under her hoof. "If you look around, you'll see you're already there." And sure enough, the two of them were standing in the sand of a desert town. "NOW GET OUTTA HERE!" With that, Celestia blinked out, leaving behind an envelope with the Royal Seal on it.

In response to the sounds outside, one of the few doors in town opened, and a stallion with a hat, vest, and mustache walked out. "What was that?" When he saw Discord, he would have just walked inside, had Discord not been holding the very recognizable envelope. "Let me see that." He trotted over and pulled the envelope from him, and opened it.

Discord rolled his eyes. "I never said it was for you."

The stallion read the letter. "Well, it found its way to the right pony. I'm Sheriff Silverstar, and I'm in charge of little Appleoosa, and we could always use the help. Even if your circumstances for being here are less than optimal, it doesn't list the specific details. And frankly, I don't care. Come on, I'll explain everything you need to know on the way."

Silverstar and Discord walked through the barren town as the sheriff explained their current situation. "For two years now, we've been living in peace with the native buffalo of these lands. Our tribes have entered a mutual agreement, where they let us keep our town where we built it, in exchange for a migrating route where they receive pies made from the apples we grow. We've started making the pies for the season, and it's a hectic time for all of us. Any help is appreciated. So, you'll be working with Braeburn, he can teach you the ropes. Good luck!" Silverstar disappeared, and Discord noticed that their walk had ended in a kitchen. Currently manning the station was a tan-coated stallion with a blonde mane, brown vest, and matching hat.

The stallion noticed Discord. "Well, howdy there! My name is Braeburn, and welcome to..." He reared up and continued, "AAAAPPLEOOSA!"

Discord stood still and blinked multiple times in confusion. "Please stop. In fact, never do that again." He looked closer at Braeburn. "Are you, by chance, related to Applejack from Ponyville?"

"Cousin Applejack! How do you know her?"

Discord rubbed his chest, proud of his accomplishment. "Well, I don't like to brag, but I did mindfuck her the last time I tried to take over Equestria. I did a pretty good job, too."

Braeburn slowly nodded and turned away. "Oh...okay. Well, that's all in the past now, right?"

"I'm only here because I'm doing community service. I normally laugh at the misfortune of lesser beings such as yourself. But to end this dreadful conversation, I'll just pretend that I've since reformed." Discord scoffed under his breath. "Worthless creature."

Braeburn pretended not to hear it. "So, do ya still want me to teach ya how to make pies?"

Discord rolled his eyes. "It's not like I can get out of it."

Discord was tired. It's not that making piles of apple pies was especially challenging work, especially for a God of Chaos, but it was boring. He felt like he could die of boredom. He probably did, multiple times. He was hoping to fall asleep and torment Luna in the dream world. But it would be made noticeably more difficult and annoying, because he was sharing a room with Braeburn.

Discord couldn't stand Braeburn. He didn't stop talking. He was loud. He tried too hard to be "helpful". And he was too nice. "No one should ever be that nice, unless they have some sort of ulterior motive. So what kind of evil scheme is he planning?" He walked into the bedroom, and sure enough, Braeburn was already on his bed. Waiting...beckoning...

"You haven't gotten your proper initiation yet. All ponies who venture into..." He got quiet, deep, and sensual, "Appleoosa, are going to get a taste of my little Braeburns."

In all the other times this has happened, Discord has always refused for the simple reason of not being gay. But there was something about Braeburn that made him irresistible. He hated him, but he couldn't get away. It was a pure black hole of manly.

As if under hypnosis, Discord flopped onto Braeburn's bed with an audible pomf. "What are we going to do on the bed? Waah!"

Braeburn climbed on top of him, and licked his lips. "Don't worry, this isn't going to be painful. You'll enjoy every second." He reached a hoof between his hind legs, and through some manipulation of spacial relativity, pulled his foot-long cock out of hiding.

Discord had existed for eons. In his time, he had seen plenty of dicks. But this one...this was as glorious as the humble penis could get. To look at it was to stare into the face of God. He was already in ecstasy, and the act of sex hadn't even started yet.

Braeburn moved himself forward, his shaft coming closer to Discord's receiving mouth. It pushed its way in as Discord began to...

"STOP THIS! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

The Discord in the current time was lashing out in anger, destroying the visuals that had been provided. Pinkie was upset by the abrupt ending, and pulled out a suspiciously wet hoof to point. "Why did you stop it? It was just getting to the good part!"

"Because this never happened! I'm straight! I would never lower myself to perform such a lewd act, especially not with a stallion as aggravating as him! Someone is trying to sabotage my life with lies! AUTHOR!"

Responding to the call, a hole in existence popped open, and an orange pegasus stallion with a brown mane fell in front of the hosts. He was unfazed by what would be a big deal for most other ponies. "What up, guys? You called for me?"

Discord grabbed the stallion by the throat and lifted him into the air. "Why are you fabricating these stories about me? Do you get some kind of sick, twisted kick out of making a straight character suddenly gay, Flame Bristle?"

"Am I wrong in my assumption that everyone is gay for Braeburn? Writing about sex with him is special, you can't just lump it in with the other categories."

"And you're the one who's been tasked with telling everyone else about how to write sex. I happen to know that you're still a virgin, why does this duty fall on you?"

Bristle pointed an accusing hoof. "Hey, go back to Chapter 1! I had sex with Fluttershy, it's written right there!"

"Because it's a good idea to believe the words of the author when the only source he can provide is the story he wrote. I know your type, you find a pony attractive and just want to know what it would be like to fuck them."

Bristle's eyes shifted left and right, curiously not denying the accusation.

Pinkie spoke up. "Discord's got a point. I've looked back over at the sexual encounters you've written, across all your stories, and you seem to be lacking. Most noticeably, you avoid writing sex whenever possible. Plus, you've been losing your touch. We were pretty badly out of character not all that long ago."

Bristle mouthed along, as a form of mocking. "So, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to materialize a hot girl next to me who's willing to do it right there? I'm the author of this story, I hold all the cards, and they're all full houses! You...you probably shouldn't play poker with me."

"You seem to forget, I am the Lord of Anarchy. The bounds of your words is not enough to hold me. We are going to take matters into our control now. You will learn about sex, but you will have to earn it. If you can get laid in the power struggle you will be thrown into, we will consider you worthy enough to write for us. Fail, and you will suffer a fate worse that death."

Discord opened a portal, and threw Bristle in, who was screaming "I didn't agree to this!" He wiped his hands clean and addressed the audience. "We're back, in full force! Tune in next time as we observe his feeble attempts to do it. It's going to be a riot, trust me." He pulled his hand over the screen, wiping it to black.

"Unh...ugh...what happened?" Bristle struggled to get up, and he saw sunlight. It was an ordinary day. Lying outside a normal house, squirrels ran, doing whatever the fuck squirrels do. He wiped his hand across his face to get..."HAND?" He looked at his body, and confirmed that he was, in fact, human. Terrified, the only thing that got to him was another scream from the opposite side of the house. Bristle got up to investigate, and was not prepared for the sight.

Twilight Sparkle was on her knees in the driveway. She was also human, screaming at that horrifying realization. Her trusted companion Spike was with her, but he was a dog.

Flame Bristle sighed heavily as he realized what torture Discord had thrown him into. "Fuck you too, Discord."

Author's Note

Bet you weren't expecting this, were you? It's a return from the dead, one that will be talked about and celebrated for centuries! Like when Futurama came back. I'm as popular as Futurama, right?

This chapter would have been out sooner, but Wind Waker HD. If any of you have a Wii U, buy it. It's a better version of one of the best games ever made. I don't even see why you need to know why this was late, you weren't waiting for it.

Coming up next, the Equestria Girls arc. Will be released...sometime after I watch the movie. Waiting on you, Netflix.