Relatively Safe Liaisons

Hey guys, sorry this one took a while. I’ve been trying to rack my brain around how I want to finish “All in the Family” and...wait, this is author’s notes, right?

Fuck! Hold on a second, guys, I’m gonna fix this...

(Transition is transition)

Now, as I had stated before, Spike cried like a bitch.  It took all the collective strength of myself, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash not to laugh in his face, but we managed to feign discretion.

So now with our silly wager officially bound by contract, Rainbow and I decided to part ways outside of Twilight’s library.  Dash was bearing a heightened version of her typical cocky, confident extroversion.

“You are going DOWN, Rarity!”

“And just what exactly do you plan on doing to obstruct my plans?”

Rainbow’s expression went completely blank. “I’m uhh, not sure...BUT, I’m still gonna win this bet!”

I promptly rolled my eyes.  “Dash, really, is six months of hemlock really worth stalling on your true happiness?”

Dash rolled her eyes (the nerve of her!).  “Ugh, will you lay off, Rarity?  I really don’t see why you care so much about my freaking love life.”

“Oh, come now, Rainbow Dash.  Is it not obvious?  I just adore budding romances, and you and Fluttershy will just look positively adorable together.”

Rainbow proceeded to facehoof and let out an annoyed groan (again, the nerve of her!).  “Here’s an idea, Rarity, how about worrying about your own maybe-relationship instead of mine!”

“My what now?” It then dawned on me: Applejack was partially cast to the back of my mind for a little while.

Looking back on what I’ve written, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy seemed to have eaten up my story so far.  Realizing what my first priority was, I snapped back into action.

“Very well, Rainbow Dash, I’ll let it alone.  I’ll let you leave it to fate...for now.  However, at the end of this two weeks, once I seduce Applejack, and WILL seduce Applejack, you will be asking out our timid companion.”

“Which reminds me...” Rainbow picked up a pebble and threw it at the library’s second story window.  Twilight peeked her head outside. The sounds of Spike’s bitchisms resonating inside.

“Hey Rainbow, you forget something?”

“Yeah.  Twilight, what does “serenading with a sonnet mean?”

Twilight tried to contain her snickering, but Dash was growing impatient.

“Hey! Spill it, egghead! What does it mean?”

“I-(snicker)-I’m sorry Rainbow. It’s just..” Twilight took deep breath to regain her composure.  She cleared her throat and explained, “You see, Rainbow: a sonnet basically means a “little song”, and to “serenade” means to sing a light composition in somepony’s honor.  This means if Rarity wins your asinine bet, then you have ask out Fluttershy in the form of an embarrasingly sappy love song.”

Rainbow froze up completely.  Her eyes widened and her teeth gritted.  I couldn’t help but giggle.

Without saying anything, she bolted off to parts unknown.  Twilight and I just stood there in silence (you know, aside from Bitch-boy’s crying), before she broke the tension.

“You think she went to forfeit the bet and ask Fluttershy out now?”

“Well, we can only hope that’s the case, huh?”

“To be honest, I don’t think Rainbow is right for Fluttershy.  Big Mac is nice quiet pony, and he seems pretty interested in Flutter-AHHH!”

I’m sorry, but when somepony spouts impudent gall like that, they desperately need a good old fashioned rock to the face.  Not apologizing for my remedy to Twilight’s insane ramblings, I decided to go ahead with my plans to swoon my cowpony and walked away.

Briskly trotting toward Sweet Apple Acres, nothing was going to get in my way.  I was confident that Applejack had cooled down from our encounter earlier in the day.

She was in the barn talking, apparently greeting, and seemed to be in good spirits.  I was going to come inside, but then I heard who she was talking to.

“Well howdy, Rainbow Dash. What brings you ‘round here?”

Everything inside of me contracted.  What was Dash doing there?  Surely, she should have been on her way to Fluttershy’s?  What in Smooze’s glorious name was going on?

Resisting the urge to barge in, I instead found a glory-hole in the wall of the barn.  It gave me a good peeping view inside. (Just ignore the fact that I was using a glory hole).

“Rainbow, are you alright, you look pretty tense.”

“Applejack, we gotta get back together!”

“Uhh...care to elaborate?”

“No time! JUST KISS ME!!!”

Without waiting for reciprocation, Rainbow dived down from midair and planted a French kiss onto Applejack.

On a side-note, would any of you out there be so kind as to explain to me what “French” is.  Is that a human thing, or am I THAT out of the loop in Equestrian culture?

Regardless, I was rather ambivalent about what I was witnessing.  On the one hand, I was rightly incensed by Rainbow’s actions.  That coward was trying to sabotage both the bet and two potential relationships in order to avoid mild humiliation.  On the other hand...come now, let’s be honest: show of hands for anyone who has not pictured Rainbow and Applejack together in a lewd context?  Nobody?  I thought so.  Needless to say, the rational and carnal parts of my brain were struggling to find consensus, so ultimately, I just chose to stare in stunned silence.

Applejack pulled away from Rainbow’s advance.  “Whew-nelly, Rainbow. Y’all went ahead and pounced, I tell you what!”

“So will you go out with me again?”

Applejack raised her eyebrow.  “Not entirely sure what’s bringing this on, but I’m gonna have to go ahead and say no.”

“UGGH!” Dash descended to the floor and presented her-uh...self.  “Here, get on your knees, the spark will come back, won’t it?”

As enraged as I was-not just for myself, but for Fluttershy-I secretly hoped Applejack would get on her knees and do some good old fashioned “provocative praise”.  Perhaps Dash would break out a riding saddle and invite me for some kinky role play....no, wait-scratch that.  That would be silly.

“Rainbow, what in tarnation has gotten into you? I thought we agreed we weren’t right for each other!”

“Look, I don’t care! Please get back with me!!!!”

Applejack extended a hoof to Rainbow’s shoulder.  “Come on sugarcube, what’s up?  Filly trouble?”

“Yes! I mean-No! Yes, no, maybe so!”

Applejack let out a hearty chuckle.  “Say no more, darling? What, did Fluttershy tell you she wasn’t interested?”

I would be hard pressed to find anypony who didn’t see the signs clearly.

Dash tensed up and recoiled before outbursting, “Shut up! What? No! I mean...I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“So...yes or no?”

“I don’t feel that way about her!”

AJ grinned the smuggest of grins (at this point, that’s her specialty). “Let me ask you, Rainbow.  How many times this month have you clopped to Fluttershy’s model pictures?”

Dash let out a sigh, hung her head low and blurted, “Twelve.”

In Rainbow’s defense, we’ve all done it.  I don’t care if you’re a stallion, mare, colt, filly, human-at some point, you all have played a solo in your nethers to an image of my canary-colored friend.

You should be rightly ashamed.

After Rainbow’s admission, Applejack chuckled once more.  “So do you mind telling me what’s goin’ on, Rainbow?”

Rainbow sighed. “Look, I know everypony knows how I feel...except I don’t know how she feels about me.”

“Oooookay, so why don’t you just go up to her and ask?”

“I CAN’T DO THAT!!!!! I mean...what if that ruins our friendship?”

YOU HYPORCRITE!!! YOU CELESTIA-DAMN HYPOCRITE!!! NUT THE HAY UP AND ASK HER OUT ALREADY!!!!!

Terribly sorry about that.  Even when I’m writing about it, I get greatly incensed.

“Well, Rainbow, you and I had a wild experiment bein’ a couple ‘n all, and we turned out pretty cool.”

“It’s different, AJ.  We had only known each other for like a day when we first hooked up.  It was easier for us to be just be friends after it fizzled-out.  Fluttershy’s my oldest friend, and she’s pretty sensitive.  Let’s face it, AJ, I don’t think she has your resilience.”

“You still tryin’ to hit on me?”

“Is it working?”

“Nnnope.”

“Damnit.” She said, muttering under her breath.

Applejack chuckled once more. “Come on, Rainbow: what’s a daring pony like you doin’ bein’ so evasive?”

Rainbow gulped.  “If you tell anypony this, I will kill you.”

“Well, you ain’t strong enough to pull that off, but I assure you, my lips’re sealed.”

Rainbow sighed. “I’m...scared.”

I have no idea how Applejack maintained her composure, because outside the barn, I was in utter hysterics.  It’s very convenient that those two didn’t hear me from the inside.

Applejack nuzzled Rainbow.  “You, scared? I doubt that very much.”

“Well, I am, AJ. I’m not really good with the sappy crap with anypony. I’ve only been able to do that kind of crap with you because...well, we’ve done things that transcend barriers like that.”

“Heh heh. I’ll say.” Applejack licked her lips.  Pardon the crude vernacular, but: Dat Lick.

“So yeah.  How am I supposed to get close to Fluttershy if I can’t let down my walls?”

Applejack’s reassuring smile faded.  “You know, Rainbow, I don’t really have the answer to that.  I kinda have my own problem with that.”

“Yeah, I’ll say.” Rainbow grinned ever so smugly. “Let’s not forget your need for cider before we ever hit the sack.”

AJ rolled her eyes.  “Shut the hay up, I’m getting better at it.  Look, the point is, I think everypony has these anxieties about being close to somepony they really, REALLY like.”

Rainbow proceeded to give herself a knowing nod.  She coyly replied, “Oh my AJ, have you found somepony else you want to rut?”

“Buck you, Rainbow, but I’ll humor y’all.”  She sighed deeply.  “It’s Rarity.”

Rainbow’s continued her sarcastic front.  “Oh really?” (snicker) “I never would have guessed.”

“You better not be tellin’ anypony, y’hear?”

“Come on AJ, it’s me.  That’s not going to stop me from making fun of you, though.  For starters: talk about a downgrade.  I mean, you move from yours truly to Rarity of all ponies.”

Well buck you too, Rainbow.

AJ rolled her eyes.  “I don’t expect you to get it.  To be honest, I can’t really explain it, either.”

“Say no more. I don’t know what part of my brain really wants somepony like Fluttershy so badly, and frankly, I don’t really want to know.”

“We got the worst luck when it comes to pickin’ mares, huh?”

“You said it.”

The two shared a good laugh before sighing.  Rainbow was the first to speak again.

“For what it’s worth, I really hope you can get the courage to ask her out, AJ.  Nothing could make me happier than to see you happy....I’ll kill you if you tell anypony I said that. You know that, right?”

“Of course, Dash.  And let me just say that I wish you the best of luck with Fluttershy.  Hopefully, y’all can get that famous “Rainbow Dash” swagger back.”

Rainbow grinned. “Heh, don’t worry about me, AJ.  Swagger’s a lot like a dog.  Sometimes, it wanders away, but it always makes its way back home.”

“...and then dies around the age of 15?”

“What the hay, AJ?”

“Hey, I’m just sayin’.  If you’re gonna use a simile, it should thoroughly make sense.  I’ve got this one about being sisters and how it’s like apple pie that’ll knock your socks off.  Care to stick around and hear it?”

Rainbow rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, I think I’ll pass.”

AJ chuckled.  “Suit yourself.”  She planted a kiss on Rainbow’s cheek.  “Take care of yourself, Rainbow. Get that swagger back.”

Dash beamed.  “You know it.” She made her way to the door before turning around.

“Hey AJ, when all of this is said and done, and we do end up with ‘Shy and Rarity, would you be interested in a...um...well, a-”

“Menage-a-quatre?” she interjected with a smirk.

“Well, I was gonna say “daisy chain”, but yeah, yours sounds classier.”

“Well sugarcube, if’n Rare’s okay with it, I just might call you two over for a little roll in the hay.”

“Sweet! I can buy a riding saddle, and we could all take turns-”

“Rainbow, I told you a million times already.  That is the dumbest thing ever.  EVER.”

Rainbow shrugged. “You never know.”

“Yes I do: dumb.” AJ deadpanned.

“Buck you.” Dash exited the barn.

I made my way from the vicinity before either of them spotted me.  I decided against going to Applejack for now, because I came up with a new plan.  It appeared that Rainbow was still willing to let the bet carry out, so I still had figure out how to have AJ come to me.

Thankfully, Rainbow gave me the perfect inspiration (the fool).  Never before had I seen Applejack so intimate or transparent with somepony else-Rainbow flipping Dash of all ponies, mind you.  I realized that AJ can better approach a pony when said pony is in a vulnerable state. So, all I needed to do was figure out how to get myself into a physically/mentally/emotionally compromising state in order for Applejack to swoop in and open up to, and I believed I had the perfect state in mind.

First: I would need loads and loads of hemlock.