Relatively Safe Liaisons

“I am terribly sorry to burst your bubble, but I do not sell hemlock. T’would be too much trouble.”

Essentially, I went into that filthy, scary forest for nothing.

Resisting the urge to say that, I replied, “Is that so? I could have sworn that you were Ponyville’s connection to the stuff.”

Zecora arched an eyebrow. “I must ask how you came to that conclusion, and how it became your reason for intrusion.”

“Well, as you no-doubt could tell, I require some hemlock, and I inferred that you would be in that particular industry.”

“To guess, if I might: it is because of my experience in botany, right?”

I nodded. “Would you, by chance, know who the town’s actual dealer is?”

Zecora smiled and nodded.  “I know who works in the illicit trade, although the answer is a surprising one in...daaeed?”

...Was she forreal?

That expression is correct, correct? for-real?

Regardless, I called Zecora out on the forced rhyme, to which she sighed.

“Constant rhyming is a difficult feat. Certain mistakes are bound to repeat.”

“Could you possibly point to me in the direction of some hemlock.” I said, attempting to return the conversation to productivity.

Zecora rolled her eyes (bitch) and went pointed out the window to the meadow outside of the forest, “The home of the hemlock mare is northwest over there.”

I trotted to the window and looked out, I didn’t see anything out of the usual out in the meadow. Confused, I turned to Zecora.

“Darling, I must say, I am rather confused. There doesn’t seem to be anything out there other than Fluttershy’s cott—”

...Well, shit.

***

Was I really going to do this? Fluttershy clearly did not want us, her closest friends, to know of her workings in such an insidious trade. Otherwise, she would have least told moi at one of our weekly spa dates.

Oh dear, this was simply horrible! Fluttershy—dear, sweet, sexy Fluttershy—was dealing hemlock! The scandal! The audacity! Whatever caused her to turn to this life?

My heart was pulsating as I approached the door to her cottage. I knew I had to go to her to get my hemlock, but...

...I couldn’t do it! Damn my plans, I simply couldn’t knock on that door and confront dear Fluttershy on this. It wasn’t my place! Besides, couldn’t you just imagine the scandal involved if I was caught buying hemlock? Why, the tabloids would have a field day! Promising Fashionista Caught in Drug Bust. I’m too pretty to go to jail!

I DON’T WANNA BE SOMEPONY’S BITCH!!!—

“Um... Rarity?”

Snapping back to reality, I looked to see that Fluttershy was standing in the open doorway.

Sweet Celestia, Rarity. Get your shit together! You know, maybe if you didn’t spend so much time going off on these bizarre tangents, you’d actually be able to make some progress on this stupid memoir!

I’m taking my own advice! Moving on!

I saw Fluttershy standing at the door. Shocked, I cleared my throat and hastily tried to explain my presence.

“F-fluttershy! Why, how lovely it is to see you. You see, I was just in the neighborhood, and—”

It was then that I was tackled to the ground in a massive Flutterhug (the bucking ground).

“Oh, Rarity! I never thought I’d see you again!”

...Okay, this was getting confusing. “Fluttershy, darling, whatever do you mean? I just saw you yesterday.”

“Hey, Shy, who is that?” Coming out the door was Rainbow Dash, whose eyes widened immensely.

“Rarity! Where the hay have you been?!”

Okay, seriously, what was going on?

“Girls, whatever is going on? Rainbow Dash, I just saw you at Sweet Apple Acres no later than an hour ago!”

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked to each other in utter confusion. Fluttershy got off of me and allowed me to stand. I really needed a rigorous spa day after getting tackled to the ground not once, but twice in the span of a day!

“...Rarity?” Rainbow Dash asked rather hesitantly. “What did you do today?”

I snorted. “Well, I hardly understand why you would need a refresher, Rainbow Dash, but I suppose I’ll indulge you.”

Making the obvious mental note to omit anything pertaining to our wager (keep in mind, Fluttershy was standing with us), I began, “Well, I woke up and made my way to Sugarcube Corner, where I had a rather nasty bump with Applejack. It was quite the coincidence, considering I had been having these rather lewd dreams about her and... why ever are you two staring at me like that?”

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash looked at me as if they had seen a ghost. After a rather pregnant pause, Rainbow spoke up.

“Rarity... that was four months ago.”

Okay, I realize this is going to sound absolutely mad, but I swear to Luna, I heard a record scratch in the distance. The amount of what-the-fuckery was skyrocketing.

“Rainbow Dash, whatever are you saying?”

“I’M SAYING YOU’VE BEEN GONE FOR FOUR FLIPPIN’ MONTHS!!!!”

I wasn’t exactly sure of what to say. I looked to Fluttershy, and then Rainbow Dash... and then made another meeting with the ground.

***

Okay, now I was in a hospital. My stars, I was dizzy.

Many ponies were surrounding my bed; Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack (it appeared as though she was crying, the poor dear), Sweetie Belle, Mother, Father (oh shit, they were crying as well, Applejack too. What in blue blazes happened?), and Discord... wait, what the fuck?

“She’s coming to!” Twilight announced to the group. All eyes were upon me as I shook off my dizziness.

“W-why am I in a hospital?”

“Oh, Rarity.” Fluttershy said. “You passed out when we told you that you were missing for four months.”

“We thought you were dead, baby.” Mother tearfully told me. Everypony nodded when she said that.

My eyes widened. “W-what? But... I could have sworn everything that had happened happened. The dreams! The apple cart! Sugarcube Corner! The Library! The glory hole!”

“Those all happened, Rar—wait, the glory hole?” Twilight said, arching an eyebrow before shaking it off. “Nevermind. Those all happened, Rarity. They happened four months ago. Nopony’s seen you since you left the library.”

Pinkie was kind enough to splash some cold water on my face after I fainted again.

“But that’s impossible! How can this be! Where have I been!”

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “That’s what we’re trying to get him to explain!”

Everypony turned Discord, who was standing to my very right and chuckling.

“Oh, Twilight Sparkle, you’ve always been quite the little scholar. Always hungry for information and enlightenment. Sometimes violently so!” Discord smirked. “It’s quite erotic, if you ask me.”

Well, it’s nice to know that somepony else sees into the erotic subtext of Twilight’s being as I do.

“We ain’t lookin’ for games, Discord!” Applejack threatened through her gritted teeth. “Now you tell us where the hay she’s been!”

Discord sighed. “Oh, poo-poo to you, Applejack. Never the type for any fun and games. Very well.” Discord then placed a pair of thick-rimmed glasses on his face.

“Professor Discord will explain everything.”