The Most Deplorable Attraction in the History of the Multiverse*

Sweet merciful crap…

Those were the first words to enter Ian’s mind as he came to. His skull felt like it had been bashed in by a sledgehammer and he could feel something wet running down the back of his neck. This was definitely the last time he’d ever let a drunk operate a teleporter.

Ian was supposed to be dropped outside the city so he wouldn’t raise any suspicion, but instead he had been sent careening into a giant tree at god knows what speed. It was a miracle he hadn’t been turned to jelly, but the impact had still hurt like hell.

Maybe it was just a concussion, but it sounded like there was some voice, a female’s, shouting something far off in the distance and he struggled to open his eyes to find the source. With a considerable amount of difficulty, Ian’s eyelids slowly lifted to a world of randomly moving blurs. The only constant was a large purple smudge located to his right. From the way it was angled, it seemed to be staring at him.

“I said can you hear me,” the blur asked. To Ian’s relief, the disorienting blurs were beginning to take less nauseating forms.

“Iyinkiokayyy,” he managed to slur.

“Spike, don’t just stand there, go get the leather bag under my bed! It’s bleeding.”

“Right,” squeaked another voice, “sorry.”

Ian turned his head to find the other voice, but the purple blur held him still. “Try not to move,” the blur said as it took the form of a unicorn, “you’ve been in an accident.”

To most people the sight of a talking purple unicorn would be a mind-blowing thing to behold, but Ian only glanced at her for a second. He was more concerned about the gaping hole in the ceiling. Even though it wasn’t his fault, he would definitely be the one blamed for it. The last thing Ian thought before blacking out again was: Damn it Mark.

When Ian again came to, the pain in his head had all but vanished. To his further satisfaction, someone, possibly the horse, had placed him in a rather comfortable bed. The last time he had been in a bed this soft was…he couldn’t even remember. His bed back home was about as comfortable as a rock, which supposedly ‘built character’ but all it did for Ian was cause back problems.

The soft flannel sheets practically begged to be caressed but, to Ian’s dismay, his arms had been restrained. He looked at his wrists and, sure enough, he had been tied to the bedposts.

“Hello,” a voice greeted. Ian turned and saw a small purple lizard sitting to his left, and it was smiling at him. “Are you an alien,” it asked excitedly.

“Hold on a sec.” Ian turned his attention back to the ropes and effortlessly tore the bedposts off the bed.

“Woah,” the lizard shouted, “why’d you do that?”

“Because they were tying me to the bed,” Ian bluntly answered as he untied ropes.

“You could have asked.”

Ian had been put in restraints before, and every time he bothered asking politely, he’d always be given a ridiculous reason why that couldn’t happen. Eventually he just decided to stop trying.

Ian threw the bed sheets off and stood to his feet. Unlike every other time he’d been captured, these people had the decency to leave him his clothes. His sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt looked as clean as the day he’d received them, but there was one thing missing. Whoever these people were, they’d taken his gun and that was a problem. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised by it (hell there was a time when he would have done the same if an alien life form crashed into his house), but it aggravated him nonetheless.

He’d been sent here to kill a Wabberjack, and that would be much harder without his gun. Additionally, although not as important to Ian, the weapon he used had the nasty habit of blowing up in the hands of the inexperienced- literally. If some idiot pressed one button at the wrong time, he’d be able to blow up a small building.

Then it suddenly hit Ian that the world he was in was entirely animated (he was still a little slow from the head injury). He had seen cities made of fire, he had tasted a rainbow, he’d seen the colors of music (granted he was on LSD for that), and he and Mark had eaten a tub of popcorn while watching a supernova condense into a black hole, but he had never been a cartoon before. “Cool,” he said indifferently.

Even the incredible wonders of life, the multiverse, and everything lost their impact after a while.

“M-my name’s S-Spike,” the lizard stuttered.

“I had a gun with me,” he said as he twiddled his fingers, “I’d like it back.”

“T-Twilight hid it-”

“Where’d she hide it?”

“I don’t know-”

“Then help me find it,” Ian ordered as he peered under the bed, “Check the books downstairs. Maybe she hid it in one of them.”

“We really shouldn’t be making a mess,” Spike said uncomfortably.

“Then you should help me find it,” he said as he cleared off a bookcase, “the sooner I find the gun, the sooner we can clean up.”

Spike sighed and descended the stairs. “Twilight’s gonna’ hate this.”

If he hadn’t already wasted so much time lying in bed Ian might have handled the search more delicately. When he had finished with the bedroom, it looked like a tornado had blown through. Papers and books were scattered everywhere, the pillows and bed had been torn open leaving feathers everywhere, and over half of Twilight and Spike’s possessions were broken but he had nothing to show for it.

Ian was about to shout an obscenity when he heard the click of a lock and the turning of a knob. Without thinking, he dove behind the pile and held his breath. Given Ian’s luck, there was a good chance that the local military was about to storm in.

As a demon hunter, Ian’s job took him to all corners of the multiverse, but wherever he’d go he would meet the same types of people. Locals, as Ian had dubbed them, were usually comprised of panicky idiots who’d lose any ounce of composure at the sight of him. Sometimes they would run screaming, sometimes they would shoot at him, and sometimes they’d try to ‘study’ him. The one thing that seemed to unify every civilization in existence was a distrust of the abnormal.

Ian looked around at the disaster he had made and remembered the hole in the ceiling…maybe Locals had a point.

The sound of the door creaking open kicked him back into reality and he prepared for the worst, but instead of the usual shouting and chaos he heard the familiar voice of the purple unicorn.

“I don’t know what it is Princess. None of the books I’ve read have anything like it…MY ROOM!” she screeched. He was off to a great start.

“Twilight,” said a regal voice, “I thought you said it was sedated.”

“I-it was!”

“Guards, be ready. Twilight, Spike, get behind me.”

Ian saw two choices at the moment: Run like hell or be polite. Running would inevitably lead to a witch hunt, and that would certainly make things much more difficult. Whether he liked it or not, diplomacy was his best option…God help him.

He took a deep breath and stood up. “That won’t be necessary Princess-”

“UGH, IT’S HIDEOUS,” shouted a guard in disgust.

“I’m sorry, are you the Princess, or is it the female with the fucking crown?” Ian had always been told to be polite when meeting a new species, but after years of the same disgusted reactions, his temper had worn thin. “Are you in charge here,” he asked the crowned horse impatiently.

“…..”

“Princess,” Twilight whispered, “don’t you think you should say something?”

“…..”

Twilight finally stepped forward and bowed. “This is Princess Celestia,” she said politely, “Ruler of Equestria.”

“Well Celestia,” he said, jumping to the bottom floor, “my name is Ian McCoy.” He walked forward to shake her hoof.

“Guards,” Celestia shouted. Before Ian could react, two armored unicorns teleported in front of him with spears pointed at his throat.

“Seriously,” he sighed. Why did he think this time would be any different?

“Until we can determine you aren’t a threat,” Celestia said nervously, “you’ll have to remain in our custody.”

That may sound like a reasonable request, but Ian had heard it too many times to believe. “Like hell I am!” Ian grabbed a spear and head butted its wielder before sweeping the legs of the other guard. With one foot pressed on the throat of the second guard, Ian aimed the spear at Celestia. “Make your move thunder-thighs.”

Whenever there was a bet on how long Ian could go without starting a fight with a Local, everyone always bet against him. The Princess’s incredulous look faded into pure anger as her horn glowed a brilliant gold. Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Ian realized the terrible mistake he’d made, but there was no turning back now. He braced himself for her attack.

Spike and Twilight jumped between the two. “Wait!” Twilight shouted. “Let’s all take a deep breath and relax, alright?”

“Nobody else needs to get hurt,” added Spike.

Celestia sighed and her horn stopped glowing. “Thank you Princess. Ian, please do the same.”

“I’m not going with anyone,” he ordered. “Got it?”

“It’s just a precaution.”

“Make an exception or we’re going to have a problem,” he said authoritatively. Maybe Ian was overreacting, but he’d been through this ritual so many times that it made his blood boil.

Celestia was quiet as she contemplated her next move. “Very well,” she reluctantly sighed, “as long as you mind your behavior.”

“…Deal.” Ian dropped the spear and lifted his foot off the guard, who immediately gasped for air. A few more seconds and Ian would have killed him.

“There,” Twilight said calmly, “isn’t this better? Now let’s try this again. My name is Twilight Sparkle, this is my friend Spike, and this is my teacher, Princess Celestia. We would like to be the first to welcome you to Ponyville.”

“My name is Ian McCoy…and I’m sorry for calling you fat Princess.”

“My weight is perfectly normal for a mare of my size.”

Ian strained to think of something polite. “And if I were a horse I’m sure I’d find you very attractive,” he awkwardly replied. “I’m also sorry about disrupting your house Twilight Sparkle. Spike and I were looking for my gun.”

“He made me do it,” Spike interjected.

“It’s alright,” she smiled, “and you can call me Twilight.”

“Can I have my gun?”

“If you don’t mind I’d like to hang on to that for now-”

“You don’t trust me.” He could feel his face heat up, but he managed to stay calm.

Twilight shrugged and whispered, “You did point a spear at the Princess after all.”

“She pointed spears at me first!” Ian protested, as if that somehow justified him being a prick.

“Don’t be childish,” prodded Celestia. The ‘she hit me first’ excuse was obnoxious when children used it, but it was downright pathetic from an adult.

“All the same, I’d like to keep it for now as a precaution.”

He’d already crashed into someone’s house, destroyed their room, nearly killed two soldiers, and threatened to kill their monarch. The last thing he needed was to cause another incident. “Fine, keep it,” he said as pleasantly as possible, but he was growing very impatient. “Look, I was sent here to find something- a creature called a Wabberjack. Has anyone in…Ponyville been exhibiting abnormal behaviors?”

“Like what?” Twilight asked uneasily.

"Smart people being stupid, generous people acting greedy, nice people becoming hostile-”

Twilight gasped. “Yes! Is she in danger?”

“She could die if we don’t hurry.” Ian breathed a subtle sigh of relief; he wasn’t getting his gun, but at least he had a lead.

Twilight’s face was washed over with dread. She galloped to the door and threw it open with magic. “You need to come with me now!”