I awoke again as the train stopped. My chest still hurt, my bandages were completely red, and there was a small trickle of blood coming down my face. I was confused at the last part, but then remembered I'd been thrown across the floor on my face and shot in the chest with a handgun. To be honest, I had not a single fucking clue how I was still alive. At least Trixie had her ass kicked with combat boots.

"Thunder, be careful." Twilight said worriedly as I snapped to my hooves at speed, then limped out of the train carriage to head towards the castle. As though on cue, the swarm of paparazzi outside the carriage that had heard about the duel began snapping pictures and barraging me with questions. I completely ignored them, barging through them at the speed I could muster, I carried on going. "Thunder! Slow down, you're severely wounded! We need to get you to the hos-"

"No, you fucking don't." I grunted. "All I want right now is a coffee and a sandvich. Then, I'll go see Dok." The paparazzi continued following, and ponies in the street began trotting beside and panicking over my minor wound sustained from a nearly point-blank handgun shot.

The castle was in no less state of panic. Guards began attempting to convince me to go to the infirmary, maids and servants attempted to get me to stop so somepony could get a MeeM, and even Celestia herself broke off from a conversation to move beside me and try to talk me into stopping as I kept hobbling at almost jogging speed. "Thunder, you need to stop and get help." she said urgently. "You're bleeding."

"No shit." I replied bluntly. "Like I say, coffee and sandvich, then I'll see Dok."

"No, you're going to see Dok first." Celestia glared. "Then you can go get whatever you want for lunch before tomorrow, because you'll have to be getting ready for the fight."

"What time does it start?" I asked, ignoring her first sentence.

"He said at least 12:00."

"High noon...right...well, I'll go see Dok first. If Blueblood wants a cliché gunfight, I'll just kill him anyway." I said firmly, before biting my lip in the pain and beginning to gallimp* away to Dok's lab.

The moment I got into Dok's lab, the crowd following dispersed a tad, but the scientists were more than happy to fill those holes. I stumbled through the door, and leaned against a wall. "Hi, Dok." I chuckled breathlessly. "I've been shot." The Germane turned around in surprise, before reacting accordingly as he rolled his eyes, grabbed the Speed-Repair controls, and angled it towards me.

"Well done." he laughed. "Blueblood was desperate, nein?"

"Nah," I replied, watching as the bandages slipped off and the wound literally pulled itself shut. It's still fucking disturbing the way MeeMdi-guns do that shit. "Mare back in Ponyville with some amulet that made her a tad psychotic, I fought her, then she threw me along the floor with magic and then shot me in the chest with my own gun." Dok just laughed, much to the confusion of the ponies watching.

"Pah!" he snorted loudly. "That's not bad. Back in the Badlands, I had been shot, stabbed, bashed senseless with a steel pole, ignited, covered in urine, hacked at with machetes and axes, stabbed with a broken bottle, punched, covered in...blegh...'white paint', shall we say, and lasered during a single life. Nothing a simple sandwich can't fix, ja?" I immediately turned to Celestia.

"SEE?! I TOLD YOU!" The tall white mare rolled her eyes and stopped leaning against the doorway, instead opting to enter the room further. She simply began to pace the room as Dok and I conversed. Ten minutes later, the crowd had dispersed, leaving the girls and guys (and the psychotic spirits we so rightly needed) to head to rooms allotted to them by Celestia, and Dok and I to somehow start trading hats.

"So Doktor..." Celestia began. "You were the same as Thunder and his friends once?"

"Ja." he replied bluntly. "I killed many men like myself to get to where I am. In fact, sometimes I'd kill myself. But he was wearing different clothes, so it's fine. Thunder, nein, I already have 36 Private Eyes. Tooth Kickers and Team Spirit for the Quadwrangler?" Celestia tilted her head and approached the table.

"If it isn't too much of a sensitive topic," she asked, grabbing a spare seat and placing her well-rounded...curvy...ahem...ahhh, rump into it**, "Why do you two like hats so much? Is it a human thing?"

"Well, on our battlefield, a hat makes the man behind the trigger." Dok explained as we accepted the trade. "Take Scout for example. Sure, he runs fast and beats you up...ach, das pain...anyway, ja. He wore a black duty cap and orange headset; why not replace it with a tactically ineffective baseball cap and monocle? It makes sense, ja? There's a mercenary, and then there is a Badlands Mercenary." Celestia thought for a moment.

"What would my dress hat be worth?" she asked, before levitating out an unseen box and pulling out a generic summer evening hat, red with flowers. Dok looked at it with narrowed eyes.

"Well, considering the consistent sparkling..." he murmurred. "...40-50 keys. So a fair bit, nicht bad." Celestia began smiling.

"Good thing I don't wear it then." she laughed. "What'd you give me for it?" I smirked, and leaned back in my chair. Celestia likes trading. And there goes the monarchy: toppled with hats.

Five hours later, Celestia left the room with an Unusual Prince Tavish's Crown, obviously with the lucky Sunbeams since she was Celly, Tooth-Kickers, and Dark Age Defender. She looked like some kind of strangely hot battle-dominatrix-queen.

SHE CAN RULE ME ANY DAY

Author's Note

* Gallimp is my new word, my new words are cool. Gallop-Limp. Obviously Gallimp.
** You're welcome to it any time, you know.
Don't make me buck you.
In what way?
Yeah, Thunder, what way?
Oh, please, do tell.
Yes, please. We'd all like to know.
As would I.
Guys, it's five in the morning...I wanted to sleep today...
Can I brush your teeth when you get up? I'll use my tongue.
Pfft. You want to use my ass as a pillow?
I'll help you wake up next to somepony.
I can guard your dreams.
Ah! Thunder! Getting female attention, again?
...th-these...are the author's n-notes...want sleep...too confused...halp...