"Uhhh...evening?" I cautiously said to the guys in the kitchen. They seemed barely surprised my voice was back to normal, and the fact that they didn't look at me signalled that they knew I was there. So the four (five when Fire Trail charged in and dumped apples all over the floor every 3 minutes) of them continued their failed cooking. Or, were they cleaning up?
"Hi." Ebony shouted over the smoke alarm. "Trixie is in the centre of town still. Go kill her!" I almost expected an objective to appear on my HUD. Which of course was simply just a metaphor: I don't need a targeting reticle to look at Luna's ass.
We heard that.
Goddamn it, you again?!
Art thou surprised to hear from us? We assumed thou was used to our presence.
No.
What? But...ugh.
Now, what do you want?
To meet thee in pony. We shall send a carriage in 3 days time.
Woah, wha-
A date, is what we believe the modern term is, yes?
But...what? Why are y-are we DATING?!
What? Of course not. We have no romantic interest in thee. This meeting is simply as it is: a meeting.
Well, you could have given me, I dunno, 240 hours notice?
240 hours?
Yes. Use your ancient and knowledge filled brain and work it out.
...fine.
Finally, now just...get the hell out of my mind.
"Hey Thunder, you feeling alright?" Ebony asked. I shook my head, realizing I had just been stood there for about a minute doing bugger-all.
"Uh, no, not really." I replied, "You know how Princess Luna can, like, go into my mind and stuff?"
"Yeah?" Solar cut in, turning from the oven.
"Well...she, uh, kinda..." I trailed off.
"What?" Fire asked, dropping his apples again.
"...SHE ASKED ME ON A DATE!" I yelled. The whole room fell silent, as the axe fell from Ebony's hoof. After 2 minutes, Inferno trotted up.
"Gimme high-five!" he laughed in his best Borat impression.
"But...my wife wasn't killed by a bear?" I asked, returning the gesture. Inferno, despite being the fastest flyer out of all of us, was still small, so my hoof barely had to go past chest height to high five. Well, one. Like, we didn't have...y'know...fingers. Or some shit.
"I know," he replied, "But you scored with LUNA! Goddamn Luna! If you end up marrying her, you'd be a monarch!"
"She said she has no romantic interes-" I was cut off by a roar outside. All six of us froze, pegasi, unicorns, and earth pony. I turned to Ebony. "Bring the axe. Solar, prepare some magical projectile spells. Fire, get ready to kick that sumbitch into a pulp. Sky, Inferno, and I will divebomb the Ursa, giving you guys time to tear it a new A-Hole. We clear?"
"Yes, Hannibal!" Solar said as he saluted. "A-Team! Woo!" As soon as the vibrations were felt from the Ursa Minor's footsteps, we tore outside and took up random positions. Just to make it look like we knew what to do, I stood in the centre of the street, gesturing to positions and shouting 'Move it up, lads!', 'Fall Back!', and 'Let's kill this sumbitch!'. Ponies seemed to be a distance away, from us, most likely for the same reason: what were those tremors?
Suddenly, out from the woods, ran two young colts. Both looked equally on the brink of shitting themselves, and both ran outrageously fast. Just like on the show, they ran up to Trixie's carriage, banged on the doors, and her head popped out.
"Hey!" I yelled over. "Wanna come help us? Or are you to Powerful to do that?" As if to answer my question, all of her mane spiked out in fear, and she leapt a few feet in the air. As she galloped away, I couldn't help but shout. "GO! RUN! RUN YOU LITTLE CHICKEN FUCK! RUN, FORREST, RUN!"
"Have you used up all your Vaas references?" Ebony looked over from his position in a nearby alley.
"No way, Hermano." There was a pause.
"Now?" he asked.
"Yep."
"Hey!" shouted somepony. We turned at this new voice. "You gonna save us or what?" I looked at my friends. They seemed ready. Nay, they WERE ready. I was ready. Hopefully the gigantic-star-covered-bear-that-would-probably-eat-Terramorphus wasn't having a good day. In the few seconds before we laid eyes on it, I had a feeling. It was the same feeling I'd had before I summoned Terramorphus the Invincible when I was Level 31: I was bloody terrified. Would he eat me? Insta-Kill my entire group of friends in one shot? How many bullets would I need? The latter question, obviously, didn't apply now, because I wasn't holding some deliciously overpowered and fucking annoying gun called The Bane (RATATAT!). The moment I actually did see the Ursa Minor, I realised that's what it wasn't. Instead of being baby blue and relatively large, it was purple and FUCKING GIGANTIC.
"Guys," I began calling and moving backwards. "Guys, get away from it! It's not a Minor, it's Major! Get the fuck away!" Everypony began screaming and running, and so did my buddies and I.
The moments after that were a blur; mares and stallions running for their lives, terrifying roars, screaming, tremors, and at one point, an explosion. The force of the latter threw me onto my side, winding me severely with a woosh as all the air in my lungs left them at force. Not only that, but my vision blurred severely.
"Thunder!" came a muffled male voice. I tried to make out who it was, but my eyes were filtering out all the recognisable features. All that I could make out was a buff grey unicorn cantering towards me, before diving over a burning carriage I recognised as Trixie's. "Thunder! You alright? I'm getting you outta here!" With that, the unicorn began to levitate me onto his back and began to run. I realised that it was Ebony, before looking around with my returning vision. The streets were nearly deserted, with all ponies remaining being brave souls or ponies who hadn't gotten indoors yet. Near the site of the explosion, I saw the charred remains of a sign: 'Oil Baron's Machine Fuels!'
Suddenly, a massive tremor and roar occured directly behind us and threw both of us onto the ground. The world went sideways, before I began to move my head again. Ebony was lying unconcious a few metres to my right, groaning loudly. Meanwhile, to my front, the Ursa was stood over me, looking as fucking terrifying as ever. Teeth drooling an ethereal liquid, eyes a sharp red, and both huge paws holding me down by the chest, it opened its huge jaw and let out a deafening roar into my face. When it had finished, I began desperately looking around for some way to attack the monster.
Then I saw it.
Lying little more than a 5 feet from Ebony was the axe: gleaming wickedly in the moonlight. It almost started telling me to pick it up and ram it in the Ursa's head. I began to reach up, when suddenly something wet pressed against my face. I couldn't comprehend what was happening, so I began to wipe it off. As if on cue, once again a wet thing went to my face. Oh my god, is this thing licking me? I looked up at the Ursa. The snarl had now been replaced by what looked to be a playful expression, eyes softened and teeth no longer bared. If anything, it now looked more like a loyal dog than a bloody gigantic bear made of stars.
"Ok, ok!" I laughed as it continued to lick my face. "Good boy! You win! You win!" The Ursa promptly let me up onto my hooves, and gave a small amount of room to stand up. I cautiously approached the Ursa, and reached out slowly. It seemed to reel back slightly, along with a growl, but then I began patting its nose. It seemed to like me for some reason. A sudden groaning to my right caught my attention, and, still petting the Ursa, I looked. Ebony was slowly getting up, groaning as he did so, shakily gathering his shit and standing on his hooves. He rubbed his head, before looking at me. Obviously, seeing your best friend patting a huge bear that had almost killed you was a normal sight for him, so he trotted up and also began petting it.
"I shall call him Steve." I proclaimed proudly. "Steve the Ursa Major."
"I hope he likes mining." Ebony chuckled, giving the animal a rub on his snout. The Ursa was loving it. "Because I fancy some diamonds."
"Who knows, we might find the End." I replied. "What do you think Fluttershy's gonna think of this?"
"Dunno. She probably won't mind, as long as we treat him nicely." he laughed. "Isn't that right Steve? Who's a good boy? You are!" The Ursa let out a happy roar, standing on its hind legs. "Wanna ask her?" Ebony asked.
"You bet." I replied, before looking at the ponies peeping through their shutters. "Fluttershyyyyy!~" I yelled in a sing-song tone. "Come and meet Steeeeve!~" After a few moments, a door creaked open, and the vanilla mare peeped out. "Hello Fluttershy. We made a friend."
"Yesthat'snicegoodbye!" she quickly replied before slamming the door again. I shrugged.
"You got a friend in Steve..." Ebony began singing. I laughed at his rendition of the well known song, and decided to adress everypony.
"Citizens of Ponyville!" I shouted as I began to trot back and forth with a spring in my step. "Meet Steve: the Über Awesome Ursa Major! Don't worry, he's an absolute bro!"
Nopony came out.
"Meh." Ebony groaned. "Let's take him home."
"YEAH." I replied. "BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IDEA." And with that, we trotted home with Steve in tow. Behind us, the citizens of Ponyville angrily turned to two young colts for the damages.

Author's Note

I know, I know: taming an Ursa. Impossible.
Welcome to my mind, motherfucker.