I told you to go right

On a typical day of a normal person's life, they'd be enraged by the gossip column article and threaten to sue. I've not had a normal day so far, and I'm not normal: many obscenities echoed down the hall as I yelled out that the mole would soon find out about how to be strung up by her entrails. Celestia eventually gave up on her futile attempts to calm me down, before taking a more...hooves on approach.
If you know what I mean.
My yelling was cut short by a chair leg cracking me over the head. I yelled out in pain, grumbled to myself, before turning to the princess. She had a calm expression, was levitating an ebony chair in a golden aura, and stood firm.
"Done?" she asked casually. I felt blood running down my neck.
"Yep. Done." I grinned. "I needed that." Celestia smiled back as all ponies nearby chuckled.
"Too bad that didn't work the first time." she said as we continued down the hallways.
"Yeah..." I sighed. "Never fully fixed me, you know that, right?"
"Nothing could fix you, my little brony." she laughed. Celestia looked weirdly attractive without the regalia. Shaking those thoughts clear, I realised we had reached the dining room. The doors towered easily 20ft high, intricately decorated as though Chuck Norris had pissed on it.
"Here we are; the dining room." Celestia looked down at us.
"Why do I feel like these doors open outwards, and you're just looking for an excuse to bash me senseless with them?" I asked, looking at the doors.
"No, that's not my job." she sighed, before a smile returned to her face. "That's THEIR job." Celestia pointed a hoof at the guards either side. Both were stood calmly outside the door, rocking back and forth on their hooves, looking around, and generally being casual. I'd noticed that only Ponyville's guards seemed to be the stoic heroes; in Canterlot they seemed more laid back. Celestia's orders? I don't know. However, the guards inside the castle were stood as anypony would in the street. One was looking at me, grinning. The sound of magic being charged to my right caused me to look to the do-
WHAM!
A huge object plowed into my face, causing me to grunt in pain and reel back. My snout throbbed with pain, and I knew I'd get a nosebleed. Just before I could complain, however...
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
The door bashed into my face repeatedly, not even a second's delay between the impacts. I tasted copper, my vision was tunneling slightly, and all sounds were muffled. One sound, however, was much more prevalent amongst the others; roaring laughter. I turned around with a stagger as my balance was impaired, and looked down. Celestia was on the floor crying with laughter, smacking her hooves on the floor as her usually gentle manner disappeared. Thunderlane and Inferno Cloud lay beside her, snorting like pigs at my pain.
"Door's open!" the guard proclaimed smugly, gesturing to the door. As it were, the door opened the other way into the dining room, a confused looking Princess Luna sat at the end of a long table.
"You're drunk." she groaned, facehoofing.
"No," I whined back, barely keeping my balance, "Everypony seems to enjoy smacking me with something in this castle; a chair to the head, and now a 2 tonne door. If I'm honest, I'd prefer whatever the hell Twilight has organised in Ponyville to this."
"Hm." she replied as I began to trot into the room. "Thought you were drunk. Then I could utterly obliterate your mind with hallucinations."
"Yeah, you're fun." I grinned. I reached the table and looked. In front of each seat, there was a fine set of dining objects and a name plaque. Each one was engraved into gold, with another engraving of the owner's cutie mark. I looked for the one bearing the 'cloud-and-iron-sights' emblem along with my name, and sat down. I looked over, and saw that Celestia, Inferno, and Thunderlane trotting into the room, eyes still red from the tears of laughter. The moment they were seated, as though them taking their positions were some invisible linchpin, the waiters came in. At the side of the doorway with the waiters trotting out stood a griffon in a chef hat
"Gentlecolts, princesses!" he greeted warmly in a hint of Russian accent. "It is a glorious day for-"
Capitalism. Please say Capitalism.
"-fine dining!" he finished.
Aw. Why did he not make the reference...he seems like a nice guy, though.
"I believe two of you have developed the fine tastes of griffins?" he asked, looking at Inferno, Thunderlane, and myself. Inferno and I raised our hooves in a quick wave. "You have fine tastes, and I am proud to serve you..." A waiter placed a platter in front of us, steaming steak on it. "...Thresher Steaks!" It looked very good. Succulent, brown steak, oregano sprinkled on top, with salad by the side. It was nearly impossible to believe that it was at one point a deadly predator: now it was my dinner.
"Thank you, it looks fantastic." I grinned to the chef. He nodded, and turned to Thunderlane.
"For you, young stallion, I give you..." Another waiter appeared in front of him. "...Marijuana plant!" I nearly spat out what was in my mouth and whispered to Inferno.
"Did he just say marijuana?" I whispered.
"Think he did." Inferno replied. "Smoke weed erry day."
"Goddamn you and your pun stealing."

"Bitch please."

"Sorry for the whole 'smacking-you-in-your-ugly-face-with-a-door' thing." Celestia grinned. I rolled my eyes.
"Sure you are." I groaned.
"Now, now, let's not discuss how much fun it is to bash Thunder Mustang silly." Luna chuckled, taking a bite of some salad. "If we hit him too much he might break."
I pulled my best Nicholas Cage face. "You don't say?"
"Ok, Ok, we get it. You all hate each other. You're all mares." Inferno sighed, eating his steak. "On a brighter note, I am eating one of Terramorphus' cousins and slash or brothers."
"I know." I laughed. "Soon...WE SHALL EAT HIM."
"Doubt it." Thunderlane replied. "He'll probably eat you first."
"Or impale you on his tentacles." Luna added.
"Or burning you with a beam." Celestia continued.
"Or lobbing rocks at you and crushing you." Inferno said.
"Maybe he'll fire a crystal shard at you." Celestia replied.
"What about bitch-slapping you into submission, throwing crystal shards and rocks at you, all the while burning you with a laser." Luna finished. We all went quiet.
"Then he eats you." a guard called from over the room. I looked, and saw a few guards nodding in agreement as Aerlion rubbed his spear, grinning smugly.
"Screw you too, Aerlion." I called back.
"You too." he shot back.
"But I think we all know who's going to bitch-slap him." Celestia finally smiled.
"Who?" we all asked simultaneously.
"Lulu, especially when they're in bed together." I saw all the colour drain from the night-princess' face, as she went a cyan colour rather than deep blue.
"Y-You know?" she stammered.
"The whole of Canterlot knows, probably the whole of Equestria by now." I muttered.
THUMP.
"Yep. Knew she'd faint." Celestia sighed, levitating her younger sister into the air and getting up.
"Poor dear." Inferno sighed.
"I will bitch-slap you." I growled. "Remember my threat from the first few days? That I'd rip your arms off and bitch-slap you with them until you're permanently looking at your ass?"
"Yes." Inferno grunted, swigging his drink.
"Still stands." Celestia finished for me as she left the room. She paused just before she left the room. "Except I'll do it wearing my old combat armour boots." With that, she left, leaving the guards, and us, stunned. Finally, one guard spoke up.
"I'm not the only one imagining Celestia in some really skimpy armour and dominating that guy, right?" he asked.
"No." came the group reply.