I told you to go right

Just as we were settling down for the evening back in our room, after a few hours where a mare in a lab coat poked my wound and wrote things down on a clipboard, there was a knock at the door. I groaned.
"This better not be Bluebollocks." I grunted, heading to the wooden door. Just before I grabbed the handle, however...
"Stop!" Inferno quickly said. I listened. "Check the peephole. They might have chloroform."
"Hmmm...good point." I replied. Following the small pegasus' advice, I looked through the small glass lens/peeping hole. A group of 10 ponies wearing balaclavas and black jackets were stood outside, wielding small rags, crowbars, and baseball bats. I slowly turned around.
"They found us." I whimpered.
Who?
Celestia! Thank god. I think your pupil and her friends, as well as my friends, may be trying to capture us.
Really? Let me see.
...this needs elevator music...
Oh, so they are. Have fun being raped by somepony that isn't my sister.
No, seriously, they have chloroform. They seem angry. Please help.
Not listening...
Please?
Oh no, there ain't no rest for the wicked~~...
Please? I'll be your bitch?
Hmmm...tempting...
...
...and?
...I'll...um...what do you want me to do?
Oh, the options I have here.
Wait, I can't believe I just said that. Fuck.
Hmmm...I have one. Are you ready to hear your life debt?
I swear if you tell me to become a communist I will personally go to your room and bitch-slap you.
No, no, it's not THAT cruel. Your debt? You have two options; get into a relationship with Lulu, or come up to Canterlot once a month to give Royal Massages.
Eesh. Harsh choice. Which part of your body would I be massaging?
Neck, shoulders, back, plot, and if you're lucky, nether regions.
Hahahaha-no. I'll take the first option. You can get Ebony Chopper to give you massages, but there is no way in hell I'll be touching your ass.
Perfect as my flanks may be?
Just...stop. Seriously.
Hee hee. I shall tell you the following; my sister likes Midnight Blossoms, Tigerian Vodka, moonlit walks on the shore, and romantic evenings. Are we clear?
Can't believe you talked me into this...
Are we clear?
...yes...
That's 'Yes, MISTRESS.' You're my bitch.
Fine, whatever, just save us please.
Alright, alright. But you owe me a massage.
What? So I may as well have chosen that anyway?!
Remember I have senstive wings.
Screw you too.
A sudden knocking on the door snapped me out of the strange dealings. Quickly, I darted to look through the peephole. The one-time lynch mob was now looking less intimidating, their balaclavas removed, chloroform no longer threatening to knock us out. Rainbow Dash was knocking on the door quite impatiently. I said my final words, and opened the door a crack.
"Please don't kill us." I whimpered through the gap. The cyan Pegasus gave a sigh.
"Can't believe we have to do this, Twi." she grumbled, before looking at me. "We've come to apologize, not lynch you."
"Put the chloroform away, Dash." Twilight said sternly. The Pegasus groaned loudly, moved a hoof from behind her back and threw a tiny white rag away. I opened the door fully.
"If you came to apologize," I asked, "Why were you carrying sleeping agents?"
"Well, we planned to bring you back to Ponyville whilst you were...uh, sleeping." Rainbow replied.
"You mean you wanted to rip us limb from limb as we slept? That it?"
"What? No!"
"Then don't just expect to come waltzing up here and expect us to forgive you, for fuck's sake!"
"Hey, shut it Thunder." Sky growled. "That's my marefriend you're talking to." I went speechless. I could see everypony's grins increasing at my reaction.
"Yeah, we're dating. Ain't that right?" Rainbow cut in smugly.
"And, needless to say, that letter brought Fire and I closer than friends!" Rarity chimed. Fire gave a nod.
"Wait, so...you're all dating...because Inferno took the piss?" I asked. Suddenly, a thought hit me like a pound of chicken fat, or something. I turned to Twilight. "Wait, why the hell did you even come after me if it was you boyfriend's fault?" Everypony considered that. Finally, Twilight growled.
"INFERNO!" she yelled through the door. The little green Pegasus timidly trotted to the door.
"Y-Yes?" he stammered, wilting under her gaze.
"You made the letter. You sent it. So, I shall be...punishing you, if you catch my drift." Inferno's ears pricked up.
"So, who's sending the friendship letter this week then?" I asked. A paper and quill was levitated in front of me, and I sighed with a chuckle.
"YOU!" everypony laughed.
Right, I get to send a friendship letter...fun.
"Ahem." I began, grabbing the quill with a hoof. "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that sometimes, a simple misunderstanding between friends can lead to something bigger. But in the end..."
"Go on." Twilight ushered.
"...friendship and capitalism can help pull you through."
"Capitalism?" a guard groaned suddenly. I didn't realise he was there; evidently nopony else did. "Seriously? Communism for the win."
"I'll shove that spear up your ass. Stars and stripes beats hammer and sickle, LOOK IT UP." Solar yelled.
"Ha, everything links to politics." I snorted as we began to go to Celestia to tell her we were leaving. "Let's take the long route. After all..."
"IT'S A GLORIOUS DAY FOR CAPITALISM!" we all laughed.