I told you to go right

I awoke bright and early so I could prepare for the Buffalo herd. Sat atop the carriage as it tore across the desert, I could see for miles across the flat sand and cacti. However, I couldn't admire the scenery, for the familiar rumble began to shake the ground. Getting to action stations, I darted inside my friends' carriage and began to shake everybrony into conciousness. First, I went for Ebony and Solar. The two unicorns could provide useful fire support to pick off the buffalo.
"Mmmpphgrzz..." Ebony mumbled through his pillow. The grey unicorn was softly muttering in his sleep. I gave him a punch to the neck to awake him, and the results were instant. "Ok, Ok! Jeez, I'm up! Aaahhhh...that's gonna leave a broken bone."
"Ebony, there's no time." I quickly said. "The buffalo are coming up fast, and we need to get the others up. Go, into the girls' carriage. Now!" The unicorn stared at me blankly as he sat up. I waited a few seconds, before pointing to the ground. He put a hoof to the wooden carriage floor quite tentatively, before holding it there.
"There's nothing there, you prick..." he grumbled, rolling over back to sleep. "Maybe the 'buffalo' were fucking terrified of being spotted by you...just fuck off." I was taken aback. Angrily, I flew right out of the window, landed on the roof with a thud, and gazed out behind the train. Surprisingly enough Ebony was right: the rumbling had halted, the dust cloud was gone, and no buffalo could be seen anywhere in the passing desert.
"Bloody hell." I muttered as I sat down. "Ebony friggin' called it." Letting my mind wander, I didn't realize my mistake until it happened.
Morning!~~
What the-oh, it's you. Morning.
How's the train ride going? Bored?
No, it's good.
You seem depressed. Care to shed some light?
Nah.
Do you want me to 'torture' you again?
Luna, I'm sat on top of a train. Now's not the time to be making me jizz everywhere.
If you'd put it that bluntly, then no it isn't. But you seem upset.
I'm not. End of story.
Hmmm...is it your wing? Is the wound acting up again?
No, no, nothing to do with that. It's practically healed right up: just scar tissue.
Need I ask if I could help with whatever it is?
No, you don't need to. Probably because your way of 'helping' would be to tie me upside down in the dungeons, before doing some creepy stuff.
No, I'd do worse.
Exactly my point.
What other reasons might there be...? Ah! I know!
I dread to think...
I know what's bugging you: somepony needs a hug!
Tempting, but no.
Tempting, hm? I know: it works on guards and they pass out.
Wha-do you SERIOUSLY go around hugging guards for no good reason?! Poor sods, leave them alone!
No, they seem fine with it. Well, not many have argued. They...they were unoncious. Obviously.
And what did you do to them whilst they wer-
Shut up.
Hehehehehe.
Oh, one question: Do you know if anything is going to happen at the Gala? You've been foretelling everything that happens, nearly. So, anything on the Gala?
Well, Pinkie Pie will happen.
Hmm. Ok, thanks.
Yeah. No problem...
...? Do you have something to say...?
Well...it's just...ehm...your sister...
Somebrony called?
JESUS CHRIST! SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
Nice one, Tia.
Thank you, sister. Now: what were you saying, Thunder?
Ahem...yes. Well, Luna, your sister asked if I'd...give her a massage at some point.
PFFFFT!
Oh, ha ha. Have to massage a goddess. Fun fucking times: crease away, Luna.
Yes...go on.
Well...I was hoping I could give that opportunity to my friend Ebony?
The one that likes me? Alright.
Oh thank god.
Pffft...haha...aahhh...fricking hell...my lungs hurt now.
That's what you get.
Hello, girls.
FUCK! JESUS, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. And you are?
The owner of this establishment that you just entered. So just...ask. Alright?
Hmm...apologies. I haven't really been a princess for that long. Still not used to this mind infiltrating thing. So many risks!
Like me? Setting a few hundred of Hyperion's SATURN Loaders on you if you break in without a reason? Yeah, that's a risk.
What's a SATU-
NO NO NO NO NO! DON'T ASK HIM!
LULU, RUN! RUN FROM THE GIGANTIC SCARY MACHINE!
Oh my goodness, what IS that?!
What are you talking about? I haven't done anything...?
Well, your mind is creepy! There's a load of these tiny prism robots on wheels! And they look angry!
That? Oh, that's the Robolution. See ya.
Don't leave us here!
Nah, you'll be fine. This is just the least I can do to punish you for breaking into my head.
You know, I might just leave...see you later, Thunder.
Likewise.
Satisfied I had punished them enough, I shook my head clear of the image of Celestia and Cadence being chased by Claptraps and went back into the carriage through the window.
"Sup." Inferno greeted as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Slept just fine." I replied, sitting on my bed. "Just woke up early to prepare for the buffalo."
"Oh, did I miss it?" Inferno groaned.
"No, you didn't actually. They appeared behind the train for a while, then they DISA-FUCKING-PPEARED.
"Oh, good." Inferno began to get up, smoothing his mane with a hoof. "Been talking with Luna?"
"And Celestia. Oh, and this time, CADENCE joined in! I feel loved!"
"Well you're not." Inferno snorted. Just then, the sound of somepony sitting up caught our attention. I saw that it was Sky.
"M'rning..." he muttered. "We there...?"
"Nope.avi." I replied.
"Well, goodnight Irene." Solar suddenly said from the above bunk. I couldn't help making the next pun.
"That Solar's a SPAH!"
"Shhh..." Ebony suddenly cut in. "Sasha is sleeping."
"Today, just ain't your day, pancakes." Sky laughed.
"Bloody hell, shut up ya bloody bigheads!" Fire grunted.
"Well, we're all awake after I made a TF2 pun." I smiled.
"ENGINEER IS CREDIT TO TEAM!" Ebony cheered. Suddenly, the door linking to the next carriage began to creak open. We all stopped, and looked. Rainbow Dash was poking her head through the door, not looking tired at all.
"See you guys are awake, huh?" she asked.
"Da." Ebony nodded.
"Alright." Rainbow looked to her boyfriend. "Sky, you wanna go make out on the carriage roof?"
"Hell yeah." Sky answered. Both pegasi spread their wings, and flew out of the window. After a few seconds, we heard them -thud- onto the carriage roof. All 5 of us looked up quite confused.
"Did she...?" Fire began.
"...just wake him up so they could make out on the roof?" Solar finished.
"Woooooow." Fire whistled. And again, the door knocked.
"Good morniiiiing!~~" Rarity sang.
"Morning, Rarity." Fire quickly replied. Rarity looked around the cabin, not looking tired.
"I thought Rainbow had come in here?" I pointed at Sky's empty bed, then the roof. Rarity laughed and rolled her eyes.
"Of course they did." she chuckled. "Well, at least now I have some help to wake the girls up. Come come, we shan't dilly dally."
"Whatever." I muttered, heading through the door to the girls' carriage. As Rarity had implied, all of the other girls were asleep, snoring quietly. I scanned this quickly, then thought through all the possible puns I could use to wake them up. Finally, I settled on one. Clearing my throat, I put on my best Markus voice.
"Alright, you girls, time to wake up!" I laughed in an Italian accent. "Haha, it's a beautiful day: full of opportunity!"
No response.
"Oh look, more dead Vault Hunters." I sighed with defeat. "Handsome Jack's been busy." Suddenly, the sound of ~~jimmies~~ blankets being rustled caught my ear. I turned, and saw Applejack slowly getting up and shaking her head clear. I laughed. "Wait a minute! You're not dead! Yes! Now we can get off this train!"
"Wha?" Applejack coughed. "Y'all sayin' we're there?"
"Nah, I'm just messin'. Rarity told me to get you guys up. And I am NOT GETTING PAID!"