I was awoken by the sound of pages being turned. A feminine voice would mutter unintelligible things, before the book would be put back. Another book would be taken out. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. Moaning. Clump. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip...
Wow. That clearly wasn't annoying the hell out of me. Finally, I groaned loudly, running my hoof down my face, before sitting up. I winced as my blue hoof ran across a patch of fur. I guessed that that was where I'd landed head-first, and took a look around. Once again, I was in Twilight's library, lying on a pile of cushions next to Inferno and Sky, who were still lying unconcious with large bumps on their heads. Ebony, Solar, and Fire were sat on some chairs, leaning on a wooden table and playing cards. Twilight Sparkle was stood next to a bookshelf, with a gold-rimmed pair of reading glasses positioned at the tip of her snout. She was simply scanning books with a bored facial expression, sighing occasionally as she put a book down and began another. Flexing my wings, I grunted loudly, before finally coughing. A few eyes looked at me, before returning to their previous tasks.
"So," Twilight asked, not even moving her eyes from the book she was reading. "How was your sleep?"
"Fine," I replied, standing up and stretching my legs as I trotted over to the other 3 stallions gambling for poker chips. Hmm. I hope that there was beer in Equestria. Can't have poker without beer. "It was even better, especially when I know where Moony ran off to." Twilight simply rolled her eyes.
"I don't even know if I can trust you." she muttered, adjusting her glasses. "You're an armed psychopath that tried to kill another pony." I smiled, and now it was my turn to roll my eyes.
"What can I say?" I said, rubbing my hoof against my blue fur and checking it. "I'm flattered, Miss Sparkle. I'm good at what I do."
"And what you do is insane." she finished for me. "You're a nutjob. You carry two cylinders that go bang and blind ponies, a huge knife used in a war, and a small 'gun', designed specifically to kill others. And you still think I want you to accompany me to the location of the most powerful objects in Equestria?"
"Wait, you know about guns?" I asked quickly. Guns in Equestria? If there were, they were most likely knock-offs of human gun names. 'FARMAS', Desert Phoenix, and Raging Manticore, along with several other crappy puns came into my head.
"Mmhmm." Twilight replied, still not removing her eyes from a book. "Solar told me about them." I cast a pissed off glance to Solar, who had managed to build a skyline with the chips he was winning. Ebony and Fire looked as though they were struggling; I could see a bead of sweat go down Fire Trail's forehead when he looked at his cards. Meanwhile, Twilight continued. "I didn't know they possessed such horrific technology in Gryphonia."
"Well, you won't like to hear about how many types there are, and the fact that they also started using flames as a weapon over there."
"Oh...kay..." Twilight replied, looking up as she thought of how it might work. "How-"
"You know how fuel ignites?"
"Yes, of course."
"Now imagine that sprayed out of a nozzle as it gets lit on fire by a small gas flame."
"Eek." Twilight said sarcastically. "I presume you hid one of those somewhere in Ponyville?"
"Fuck no," I replied swiftly, looking back slightly angry that she'd imply such a thing. "Those things are for high-level psychopaths. I'm not high enough to so much as carry the damn things. Don't be ridiculous."
"Fine, fine." she grunted, putting a book back with a lavender aura and grasping another one. "But you still expect me to want your help?"
"Yeah." I replied smugly. "I already know where the Elements of Harmony are. Jeez, it's a walk down a goddamn path, how hard can that be?" Just before Twilight could answer, the door bashed open as Rainbow charged in and went into my face. She looked pretty pissed.
"And just what ARE the Elemnts of Harmony?" the rainbow pegasus yelled at me as I began to back up. "And how do YOU know about Nightmare Moon, huh? Are you a SPY?" I adjusted a non-existent tie, and activated my French accent.
"But of course." I replied, trying to sound like Spy as much as possible. "We shall settle this like GENTLEMEN." I shouted into her face, hovering several feet off the ground and raising my hooves for a fight. Rainbow smirked.
"Y'know, you're pretty brave. I'll give you one last chance to back off." she grinned.
"Try grinning when you don't have teeth left." I parried.
"Is that a challenge?" Rainbow raised her hooves into a ready stance.
"Yes," I replied. "With no outcome where you come out on top." Just before the threats became any less threatening, an orange mouth bit Rainbow's tail.
"Woah there, Rainbow." Applejack cut in. "He sure ain't a spah, but he knows what's goin' on." I lowered my hooves, cleared my throat, and landed back on solid ground again.
"Well, I don't know exactly HOW this will turn out, especially now that my friends and I have begun to interfere, but I think I know what's happening." I began, before trotting over to a bookshelf I'd seen on the show, and looked for the cover I needed. When I spotted the book Pinkie should have found, I opened it and began. "When Nightmare moon was defeated, Princess Celestia used the powers of the 6 Elements of Harmony to banish her; Loyalty, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, and Generosity." I moved a hoof for emphasis. "But it is said that the sixth Element is unknown, and will only appear when the other five have appeared." Lowering the book, shutting it, and putting it on its shelf, I looked back at the mares. "Basically, there's necklaces with magic powers that can defeat Moony. Sound good?" The mares nodded in agreement. Now they were in, I looked at my friends.
"YES." All 3 gamblers said before I'd even asked. They didn't even move their eyes from their game. I looked down at Inferno and Sky.
"How can we wake these two up, though?" I asked, tapping a hoof to my snout. I heard Rarity thinking, before she finally gasped.
"IDEEAAA!~~" she sang. Suddenly, the white mare cleared her throat, a devilish grin on her face as she mouthed the words 'Play along.' I nodded, and watched. "Ooohh, Rainbow, this lingerie is much to tight on my flanks. Would you be a lamb and loosen it with your teeth?" Rainbow stopped blushing long enough to make her own contribution.
"OK, Rarity!" Rainbow said cheerfully, before making 'nnfff' noises with her mouth. Finally, Sky awoke with a start, hoping to see the lesbian show that wasn't happening. The green Pegasus looked excited, before rolling his eyes and standing up. I whispered the plan to him, and the smile came back to his face.
"Oh dear," Rarity added again, in a voice that sounded like she was about to orgasm. "I'm much too aroused. I think that it must be Rainbow's breathing. Twilight, would you like me to try your lingerie?" Inferno shot up at the mention of Twilight. He looked excitedly around the room, saw we were all on the brink of tears, before groaning and standing up.

"Assholes." he muttered as everypony in the room burst out laughing.

Here we are. The edge of Everfree. All twelve of us, mare and colt, stood just on the path leading deep into the forest. Strange sounds that my friends and I were too used to rang out occasionally. We all stood in silence, before Ebony stepped forward.
"Ok, see ya." he said as he trotted into the woods.
"Not so fast!" Twilight said as she put a hoof out. Ebony stopped mid stride, considered her comment, before setting off again. He was travelling at a slower speed than he was a moment ago, but the grey unicorn still trotted into the forest. Just as he fell out of sight, Ebony turned and pulled the biggest shit-eating grin he could at Twilight, and then he disappeared into the fog. Everypony went silent again, before I stepped up.
"Right," I said, preparing my speech. "Who's ready to go and save Equestria by defeating a strangely sexy villain with a perfectly formed ass by using some magic necklaces that may or may not exist?"
"Errr...yeah?" came the group reply.
"Yeah!" I replied.
"Yeah..." The others replied.
"YEAH!"
"Yeah!" I'm nearly there...come on...
"YEAH!!!"
"YEAH!"
"YEAH! WOOO!"
"YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!" came the group reply, as they pumped with adrenaline.
"COME ON!" I yelled, the adrenaline getting to my head. "LET'S DO THIS!" All 11 of us remaining were whooping and cheering the moment we entered.
Right, I thought to myself. Let's see. First we reach...the Trees? No...yeah, I think? Then, the...cliff...I think it's that...Manticore...then the...gay dragon thing in the river...before we reach the rope bridge. I think it's that order; but our arrival might have fucked the ordering up. Oh, what I'd give to have my gun with me right now. Wait, MY gun? It belongs to a Vietnam soldier, not me. But then again, neither does Luna's ass, but that's still amazing. Oh god, here comes my Vaas personality...
"You know?" I asked. "I think I may well have lost it right now. But I'm still safe to be near, right? RIGHT?!" I began yelling. The rest of my tangent was cut short by a smack in the head from Twilight.
"Cool it." she grunted. "We can hopefully get Celestia to try and restore your full mental health when we reach her. But now, just...relax. Alright?" She ordered in an oddly calming voice. I shook my head, reconsidered my sanity, before continuing. Suddenly, a female voice rang out in my head.
Well, well. If it isn't my little warrior and his friends...
What? Who the fuck is in here?! Get the hell out!
Are you serious? You made a comment about my appearance earlier, did you think I wouldn't know?
...
Precisely. Now, being the kind ruler that I am, I can reward you for loyalty to me. If you kneel before me, you would be my right hoof colt, with all the power you could wish for and other...benefits, over me.
What are you implying...?
I am implying that your treachery shall be punished by suffering, but your loyalty will be rewarded with...pleasures.
You're lying. Any mare with that perfect an ass is always lying.
You mean...this 'ass'?
Suddenly, a picture of Nightmare Moon's plot appeared in my mind. I shook my head subtly, before continuing my argument.
I know you're enjoying the mental image...just surrender unto me, and I shall reward you as you please.
I'll...consider it...Luna.
Wha-What? It has been centuries since somepony aside from my sister called me that. Thank you.
You're welcome. Now get out of my head, you sexy beast.
Ok, handsome.
Thanks.
With that exchange fresh in my mind, I dropped back next to Ebony Chopper. He was around my height, except more buff.
"Ebony," I began. "Did somepony just invade your mind?"
"Nope." he replied, looking towards me. "Why? Did somepony do it to you?"
"Yeah," I replied, scratching my head with a hoof as I flexed my wings. "Nightmare Moon just began to converse with me in my brain, claiming 'my loyalty will be rewarded with pleasure'. I'm considering joining her now."
"Same," Ebony replied, looking straight ahead. "But we need to stop her. We stop the beast, you get the beauty. Sound good?"
"Yeah, I suppose you're right."
"Well, we'd better press on. Those trees won't be laughed at themselves!" Ebony laughed, trotting forward into the group ahead as I trailed behind.
I'd prefer to burn the trees like a normal person.
I know you would. Now stop thinking of my plot.
THEN STOP BEING SO DAMN SEXY!

Author's Note

More crap. More crap, lather it onto your plate!