I told you to go right

The Elements of Harmony hadn't arrived yet, and Celestia had ordered her Guards to investigate the maze. That meant I would probably be stood on a balcony with my hat and coat, staring down the scope of a rifle and saying Sniper lines. However, I also had a Spy/Discord-checker in the form of my marefriend, so it would be more fun. Luna was wearing some rather strong looking combat armour, that I assume she designed to distract me from work. The mid piece acted like a corset, really bringing out her flanks. I mentally summoned Terramorphus to beat the shit out of me every time I caught myself staring, and that meant my mental self was almost dead after being attacked by 79 Terrys. The small radio on a nearby box had a direct link to the commander of the squad due to enter the maze, and that meant I could point out anything I needed to.
"Ghost Squad, move up. We're going in." the radio hissed.
"Hmmph." I rolled my eyes at the reference. However, I had decided to do the job, and thus I leaned into the rifle scope. It looked slightly reminiscent of an AWP, except unlikely to be that overpowered. A thin black cross through the circular image through the scope seemed quite natural: at a younger age I would fire Air Rifles, and live ammunition when I went to the British Army Cadet Force. Still, though, a part of me was wondering where the charge meter was. "Luna," I called behind, "You ready in case a Sp-errrm, Discord tries sneaking up on us?"
"Yep." she replied, and I heard the sound of a shotgun being loaded and cocked.
"Good. And remember; I'm busy, so no distracting me with any of your strangely arousing backrubs."
"No promises...~~" Luna sang. Suddenly, there was a clinking of glass. "Thunder, what're these jars for?"
"Two purposes; when I need to piss, and then I throw them at opponents."
"What? Why would you be that disgusting?"
"It haunts them for life; they might kill me, but they also killed the stallion who tossed a jar of urine at them with no remorse."
"Riiiiight...?"
"Thunder, you seeing anything up ahead?" the commander below asked. I checked the scope. The group of 7-8 stallions was cautiously making its way through the maze, weapons raised. Ahead of them, there was an alley where it opened up slightly; ideal place for an ambush. I pressed the transmit button on the device.
"Be advised, larger area ahead, possible staging point for an ambush, proceed with caution, over."
"Acknowledged. Ghosts, prepare for possible ambush."
Below, I could see the group begin readying their guns, adjusting helmets, and removing safety catches. It was surprising how such technology had been developed from one tiny Vietnam-era pistol. Hell, most of the stuff used by the Equestrians hadn't even been invented in the Vietnam-era. A sudden fleeting movement caught my eye on the other side of the maze. Quickly, I adjusted the zoom and looked. 9 stallions wearing the same Discord masks were creeping into the maze, each armed with rather menacing looking shotguns. They seemed to be hunting for the guards in the maze.
"Commander," I said down the radio, "9 stallions are entering through the opposite end of the maze, armed with shotguns. Do I shoot them through their Discord facemasks?"
"Hmm...keep your scope trained on them. They make a move, nail them."
"Got it." I quickly replied. I did just that; swinging the rifle crosshairs onto the lead stallion's head. A sudden tap on my shoulder startled me slightly, but I kept aim on the stallion's head, and responded to the tap. "Yes, Luna?"
"Well, it's just..." I heard Luna begin to hoof at the floor, her boots making a clink as they impacted it. "...I'm uncomfortable watching you having to kill stallions. I may have been used to it when it was acceptable to kill enemies on sight, but...etiquette has changed upon meeting enemies. Now, we capture them, with killing as the last resort." I sighed.
"Ok. Listen, it's no problem if you don't like me killing. I sort of hate it, too. But I'll have to do this. A God of Chaos has returned, backed up by some ancient cult that's threatening to bring about the second coming of Chaos. If I don't kill these guys, they'll kill those guards in the maze. So, I'm truly sorry. If need be, you can leave me to it. If you think you can handle it, I need somepony to watch my back. And, if you help me now, I'm all yours tonight. Deal?"
Luna sighed loudly. "...deal." I reached back with my left forehoof, and (hopefully) patted her on the shoulder. It felt more like the inside of a thigh, to be honest. But the stallions below in the maze were rapidly approaching the squad. The lead cultist galloped to a nearby hedge where it opened up from a bottleneck, and raised a hoof to begin ordering the other eight stallions around. They all took up firing positions around the bottleneck, one even opting to sit in a tree. I pressed transmit on the radio.
"Weapons ready, the bottleneck you're about to enter is an ambush." I said quickly. The commander turned around, waved his hoof frantically, and the other guardsmen nodded. "Should I kill them all, or leave one to interrogate?"
"Leave one if possible. Try to wound him, to lessen the risk of his escape. But, permission granted to eliminate the rest. Ghost Leader, out."
"Ok, mate." I chuckled. I moved the rifle to aim at the nearest head, and-
"BOO!"
Discord suddenly leapt up in front of the scope. Panicked, I pulled the trigger, an echoing boom as the high calibre round didn't even hit the bastard. Instead, the Dragonecues or however the fuck you spell it just laughed. My rifle promptly turned into strawberries for no fucking reason.
"LUNA!" I yelled back. "JARATE HIM!"
"The jars are empty!" she shouted back.
"THROW THOSE THEN!" A whooshing sound followed the tinkling of glass as...a solid, icy block of chocolate milk smacked Discord in the face. He shrugged it off, bit into the ice (shudder), and swallowed it LIEK A BAWSS.
"What the hell?" Luna asked. I stood up, standing beside my marefriend.
"Hell if I know." I shrugged. There was a sudden flash, and everything went completely white. When that faded, I blinked away the burning to find myself...in Ponyville? I could see everything was normal, I could even see ponies going about daily buisness. One or two even waved, which I returned. I turned to Luna, who still seemed to be attempting to blink her vision back. "Luna, why are we in Ponyville?" I asked.
"Erm, are we?" she replied, rubbing her eyes, "I'm still kind of blind."
"Yes, we are. I think Discord had something to do with this...?" I trailed off. Luna was looking at me, with her own 'you don't say?' face. I blushed slightly as I realized my stupidity, and remembered. "We need to get straight back to Canterlot." I said suddenly. Luna blinked, then nodded quickly. However, just as we went to begin flying there, the whole city just UP AND FUCKING TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. I facehoofed. "This is just bullshit." I muttered.
"Agreed: 100% bullshit." Luna groaned. "Hey, at least we can sleep at yours for the time being. You know, when shit stops hitting the metaphorical fan?"
"Still smart as ever," I laughed, hugging Luna, "And that's why you're the best marefriend a stallion could ask for." Promptly, we turned away from the massive floating upside-down city, and began to walk into ~~Mordor~~ Ponyville.