I told you to go right

Nightmare night had arrived.
Foals ran around in costumes, asking for candy ~~so I told them to fuck off and die~~, the moon shone brightly, and the girls were here wearing costumes, waiting for the guys. Since my hat was already ripped to shit, I gave it a break and donned a welding mask that I had smacked a dead pigeon on to spatter it with blood. Then, I put the flash grenades around my waist, and had Ebony's axe slung over my back. I don't know what the fuck I was dressed up as, but I just said it was a guy from Earth and nopony asked any questions.
"So," asked Rainbow, dressed a shadowbolt. The goggles obscured her eyes, so I couldn't fucking tell what she was looking at. "Pinkie, who do you wanna prank first?"
"Everypony!" she giggled. "I'm a chicken."
"Mm-hmm." Solar replied. He was wearing a gas mask, and carrying the Afterburner. He still didn't realize that it had run out of juice ages ago, so he still looked like he was struggling with it. "Mm mmph pmmrmm."
"I bet you bloody are." Twilight nodded, smiling. After a moment where she blankly smiled at him as we all stared, I spoke up.
"You have no clue what he just said do you?"
"No fucking idea." she calmly replied, not moving her gaze from the wall. Just then, Fire came downstairs, wearing a black shirt and jeans.
"Hey guys." he said casually.
"The fuck are you meant to be?" I asked.
"Michael Rosen."
"OK, cool." I smirked. "One day my friend Harrybo came into school SHiTTing, and we all asked what's the matter?"
"He said he had DiAreeA." Fire laughed. Everypony just stared in utter confusion.
"Before this gets more awkward, do you want to get going?" Rarity asked. She was just wearing a black dress made of the finest materials a dominatrix could ask for. No doubt would stallions just stare at her, but she was wearing that tight, leather, black, seductive...screw it, dat ass. Anyway, we all headed out the door.
"So," Twilight began, nudging and grinning at me, "Looking forward to seeing your marefriend?"
"Yes." I replied calmly. "Those bells are fucking annoying."
"I know: I picked them out to piss you off."
"Aww, you care about me that much?"
"No, not at all."
"Likewise. Anyway, Lulu says she wants me to stay at the castle for a while, so I will. No doubt this means sex."
"Yep. Isn't Ebony up there as well? With my mentor?"
"Yeah, I think. Unless he's already pissed her off so much he's on the moon."
"Ha, real original."
"Eeeeexactly."
"..."
"...remember when we all first met?" I asked the group.
"Yes, I do." Fluttershy smirked. "You almost died because I glared at you."

"Yes, don't remind me. And anyway, now who's got the fucking death glare?" I asked bravely, raising my mask up and staring her in the eyes. The vanilla mare stared back, and we stopped in the middle of town to have a staring contest. The others kept going whilst we glared.

Soon, almost the entirety of Ponyville had come to watch the death-glare battle of the century. Fluttershy's steely gaze was at a stalemate with my lead glare, both as strong as the other. The crowds were murmuring amongst themselves, many asking themselves why they were even watching us. Finally, somepony had enough.
"This sucks." I heard Colgate yell from the back. A commotion was heard, and before I knew it there was a pain inbetween my hind legs. It hurt so much I laughed for some reason as I fell onto my side clutching my groin.
"Why?" I whined as the audience laughed to death at my pain.
"Because I got bored." Colgate shrugged. "Besides, be thankful you still have teeth. If I didn't like you like I do your teeth would be in an hourglass as fine powder by now."
"Funny." I grunted, shakily standing. "Real funny. I'm laughing so much my dick hurts."
"But still." she smirked. "CRITICAL HIT."

"Goddamn you, toothpaste."

Once I was certain I could still make beautiful children with Luna, Fluttershy and I followed the trail that Pinkie made. The stream of confetti led into the forest, towards the Nightmare Moon statue. Zecora was already telling the children a scary story, which had no comparison to the Rake but was still 'spooky'. Refraining from coughing out xenophobic lines to the Zebra, I approached the guys.
"Hey you two." Rainbow said calmly. "I hear you got nailed in the nutsack by Colgate."
"She's got a damn mean kick." I muttered. "Don't even know why she did it."
"She did it to me." Inferno cut in. "She said it's because she thinks it's funny to watch us in pain."
"Oh, that's nice of her to care about us like that." Fire groaned, rolling his eyes. Suddenly, the skies began to go dark, winds whipping up as everypony panicked and fled. The chariot, as per ritual, raced in from the sky, two rather ugly guards towing it. In the chariot stood a robed figure, white eyed and grinning.
"Huzzah, my lady has arrived." I smirked, before spreading my wings and flying back to Ponyville.

After running into a bunch of trees, I gave up and walked.