I told you to go right

The forest was quite silent. Which was creepy. But, I knew my way back, so I didn't have to put up with it for long. And to keep me going, the thought of seeing my marefriend again was extremely motivating. Well, up until the point where I thought of her ass, then I got the most awkward wing-boner. Finally, though, I removed the last bramble just as I stalked into town. Everypony in the street was shaking, everybody was terrified of my marefriend, ~~and everybody was kung-fu fighting~~ so I tried to lessen the fear.
"Luna!" I called, galloping towards her and attempting to raise my welding mask as I ran. Her face lit up.
"Thunder!" she smiled, trotting towards me to meet me half way. Unfortunately, I stacked it, and landed snout first on the floor, dirt going straight up my nostrils. It hurt quite a lot, as you might guess, especially when the welding mask also flipped down and smacked me in the face. Groaning, I stood up.
"Yep." I grunted, blowing a few small pebbles from my nose and shaking my head clear. "Hi."
"Like a gazelle." Luna giggled. "It's good to see you again, hun." Finally, she gave the hug I wanted, wrapping her forelegs around my neck. As I returned, I looked at Colgate from over Luna's shoulder, and looked her RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYES, before mouthing 'oh what, motherfucker. Yeah that's what I thought.' Colgate looked speechless. Finally, the embrace ended, and she turned to her subjects. "Greetings, my loyal subjects!" she bellowed. A mare in the front row had all of her skin removed by the force of the yell. Quickly, I tapped Luna on the shoulder and whispered in her ear.
"Not the best idea." I quietly murmured. "Everypony's already scared of you, just speak normally, OK?"
"Alright, if you say so." she replied. "Ahem. Apologies, everypony. I, ah, forgot that the Royal Canterlot Voice kind of went out of date a while back. Sorry. Especially you at the front. I'll pay the medical bills personally, so no worries. Um...yeah."
"Are you going to eat us?" I heard a strangely British foal say. I turned, and saw Pipsqueak staring at the Princess with a wooden sword clutched in his tiny mouth.
"No, why might you ask?" Luna replied, turning and approaching the child.
"Well," Pipsqueak said defiantly, "The stories said Nightmare Moon eats children, and you're Nightmare Moon, right?"
"No, I am free of the Nightmare, child." Luna laughed. "Since the Elements of Harmony freed my soul, I am Princess Luna, ruler of the night!" Part of me expected doves to fly out from behind her as she made that speech, but I cleared those thoughts rather quickly. I had become quite the professional at dispelling thoughts, my practice coming every time Luna did something arousing. I had to dispel thoughts like that fast, lest I receive a wing-boner.
"Well..." Pipsqueak looked down at the floor, clearly thinking about some shit. "...it's Nightmare Night. Why come to Ponyville?"
"Because my coltfriend, Thunder Mustang, lives here, along with several other friends of mine." Suddenly, a voice piped up.
"Am I your friend?" I heard somepony near the back ask, as everypony else began to raise from the kneeling position. Meanwhile, the chariot carriers were indifferent to all the shit that was going on, they just idly glanced around at things.
"I don't know you, but maybe you may end up being a friend." Luna nodded.
"If I'm a friend of Thunder, am I your friend too?"
"Well...I suppose?"
"Thunder! Am I your friend? It's me, Whooves."
"Uhhhhh, no." I replied. "It's just me, Thunder Mustang."
"What about me, Thunder?"
"Who the hell are you?"
"Me?"
"Wha-"
"Am I your friend?"
"WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS?!"
"Everything." Luna smirked.
"Hmm...[insert incredibly arousing innuendo here]."
Poomph.
Every female wing in the area popped up, and I could hear the awkward groaning of the wing owners and the chuckling of the stallions. Of course, the guards were indifferent.
"Where did that even come from...?" Luna groaned. I looked, and her cheeks were flushed and wings outstretched. But that was a good question.

"I...don't know..." I replied. "All mares with wing-boners are now welcome to slap me."

Once I had buffed the dents from the welding mask, and snapped my jaw back into place, I set about finding the other guys alongside Luna. She was smugly rubbing her hoof, which had a tiny amount of blood on it from my snout.
"Nice hit." I said again.
"I thank you very much." she sighed. She looked rather unhappy.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's just...well...I had to hit you, and I broke your jaw. It must have hurt a lot, and I have a strange sense of guilt. Can you forgive me?"
"I don't need to forgive you: I gave you permission to slap me. Plus, in the words of a certain crazed mercenary back home, 'Pain is just weakness leaving the body!'. It kind of is, so there's no need for you to be guilty. Only Gaben can be guilty, for no Half Life 3."
"What?"
"Nothing. Anyway, the point is I'll love you no matter what. No amount of accidental or purposeful slaps will stop me from loving that face, even when I'm dead. Which will probably happen at some point, in which case I want my ashes to be put into a flamethrower."
"Why are we discussing funeral plans? Are-are you going to die soon?! Oh Faust, why didn't you tell me?! Why will you die?! I can stop it!"
"No, no, I'm not going to die. I'll die eventually, from age or by being murdered for some stupidly obscure reason, but I'll be with you as long as I can, alright?"
"Ok, I get it now. Anyway: when I die, I want to become a toaster."
"What the fuck...? Why?"
"Because toast is my favourite food, and I like making toast because it's fun. So I want to be a toaster."
"Umm...right? I don't know whether to be worried about that or find you even more adorable because you said that."
"Ha. Well, why do you want to be a flamethrower?"
"Because I like watching people have slow, agonisingly painful deaths due to burning, and it's fun. So I want to be a flamethrower."

"Right, screw it, I'm seriously worried about you."