I told you to go right

As I went past Luna on the way to the roof, we shared a quick kiss and she ushered me on. I smiled, nodded, and began to head onto the balcony. There, I realised one of my problems; I couldn't fly up there. All the other guys in my team were pointing and laughing, even the earth ponies, who were being carried by pegasi.
"Yeah, laugh all you want, you pricks." I groaned. "You're not the ones who lost wings by fighting a creature the size of 5000 Manticores." They all went silent, grumbled, and flew off to the rooftops of Canterlot. To my surprise, as I turned around to leave I met the girls and my friends. I noticed the boys were all in some kind of drooling state.
"Hi, Thunder." Twilight greeted. "Guess who just met Nightmare Moon?"
"You lot." I chuckled, before looking with concern at the lads. "Wha-"
"They looked at her flanks for a few seconds. I think even I kind of went blank looking at those puppies." Twilight confessed, blushing. "But why didn't it happen to you? You did have a three way with her and Princess Luna, you'd have had it in your face."
"Hmm..." Rarity thought, tapping a hoof to her chin. "Maybe Thunder here is far too intelligent to be affected?"
"Aww, thanks." I smiled. Her smile dropped.
"Or too crazy." she giggled, encouraging a laugh. I rolled my eyes, and couldn't help but laugh and agree.
"So, jokes aside, where you guys headed?" I asked.
"To go shopping. We have a few free days before wedding preparations truly begin, so we figured we'd buy some shit." Twilight explained, before looking at Inferno. "But these poor guys won't be ready for a whi-"
"Bombs away!"
SPLASH
I pulled out my trusty jar, and threw its contents over the group of guys and turned them yellow. They shook their heads, before looking over themselves and screaming obscenities. The girls were slack-jawed while I stood heroically over my triumphant piss-throw. As the guys began to run screaming around the halls, the girls stared at me in genuine shock.
"You didn-" Rainbow began cautiously.
"OOHHH, YES." I cut in, staring at the wall heroically. "PISS IN JARS, FTW."
"Why the fuck would you even have that, you disgusting bastard?!" Twilight yelled.
"Because I used to be a boy scout. Be prepared, bitch :D"
Twilight blinked. "H-How did you do that?"
"What? :S" I replied.
"That! It made a little colon and capital 'D' appear above your head!"
"Well, Thunderlane did it, I suppose. So I guess anypony can do it. What happens if I do this? +" Sure enough, when I looked up, a little red cross had appeared above my head. I chuckled, as all the girls tried as well. To their surprise, a whole array of '@', ':O', and '<3' symbols appeared above their heads. "MEDIC! +" I shouted, putting a hoof to my mouth and calling out. "DOCTOR! +! MEEEEEDIIIC! +!"

And thus, 50 minutes were wasted until the guys came back after incredibly long showers, by spamming 'E'.

"Sorry I'm late, lads." I said, lying down on the side of a building and pulling out my new AWP. It was black, long, menacing looking, and had my Cutie Mark emblazoned with some shiny shit on the side. The last part would give a lot of glint off and show where I was, but hey, Swagger beats Jagger, right? Anyway, I set my sights on the streets.
"Y'all are late." Six grunted.
"Aye, but I figured out how to do this. <3" I replied.
"Well, good fer y'all." she groaned. "Like yer boots?"
"Yep, really comfy, thanks. Did you make these from the skin of that buffalo I killed?"
"Yep. He wouldn't be needing it anymore."
"What're you blokes talkin' about?" Bush Whacker interuppted. He had some bloody massive anti-tank/airship/robo-Hitler sniper rifle, pointed at a rather dodgy looking fellow in an alleyway.
"Oh, we're discussing memories." I replied. "Six Shot here made me these rather stylish and comfy boots from the skin of a dead buffalo. So, I need a way to make it up to her. Hey, maybe...a Changeling-Chitin helmet? Or some other protective device made of Changeling?"
"Ornamental knife?" Bush suggested.
"Yeah, that'd work." I nodded. "Thanks, Bush."
"Alright." he muttered. "Right then, let's see what you want with that mare..."
"Cool." I nodded. I looked over to the church tower, to see Rock Roller and Swift Scope looking down on the square. Swift gave a wave, which I returned. She was a relatively quiet mare, making Rock Roller possibly the worst partner ever. His ever beloved tale of the Zombie Pony invasion of Tigeria that he fought in with his bare hooves seemed to do nothing to interest the shy mare. After every time we could hear him yelling 'I will kill you with bare HOOVES!', Swift seemed to squint further into her scope, and look more like Fluttershy before my friends and I began to fuck Equestria over.
"So, how was it?" Six laughed suddenly. My ears pricked up in genuine confusion.
"What? What do you mean?" I asked.
"The three-way, mate!" Bush snorted. "You, Princess Luna, and some other mare! Who's the lucky mare?"
"Ahh, you wouldn't know her." I chuckled to myself. "Anyway, have we nailed any Changelings?"
"Critical headshot on some dodgy pikey in an alleyway." he nodded. "Blew him all across four countries, including Griffonia."
"Did you get an achievement?" I asked.
"Huh?"
"Nothing, nothing, it's a...human joke. You'd get it if you were from where I was from ~~and you'd be fucking dead~~." Just then, I noticed something suspicious leaving the town square. It was a stallion, tugging a cart with a rather liquid-sac like bounce as it went over cobblestone. I couldn't dismiss this, it seemed...too...dodgy. It was just lingering as though I was meant to do something. My boot clinked as I tapped Six. "He looks dodgy." I said quickly. "Wanna stalk him?"
"Y'all read my mind, Thunder." she smirked, standing up. "Bush, y'all think you'll be able to deal with any Changelings that come up?"
"They'll 'ave to deal with me." he chuckled, gesturing to this FUCKING GIGANTIC Bowie knife that was next to him.
"Alright, we'll be back in a while. Make sure t-"
BOOM

Bush fired his rifle, and an un-pony-like scream pierced the air violently. A piece of Changeling soared in the air amidst horrified screams, flew up to our roof, before Bush picked his bucket up and caught it without even looking. "And 'nother one for the Trophy Belt." Before he could quote everybody's favourite Australian any more, we galloped off to hunt down that cart.

"...stop the bloody bomb!" I yelled to the other assassins. This was getting more tense. Five of us, five of them, and they had some weapon designed to knock out the Princesses, and replace them with Changelings. In a rough translation, that means kidnap MY FUCKING MAREFRIEND and try to replace her with some penis backflip of a clone. They'd reached the maintenance tunnel to the throne room, and it was only a few more feet to the bomb hole. My hooves were grinding on stone work as I leaned my full weight on the cart. "Where'd you ladies learn to push?!"
"We must defend the Changeling Honour!" screeched a Changeling.
"I'm protecting my bloody marefriend!" I yelled back. "Touch her, you're fucking crab-cake in the making, you damned shell-wearing-son-of-a-bitch!"
"Puuuush!" Rock shouted. His pushing was matched by that of a Changeling of identical size to him, both with abnormally large muscles. "Push tiny cart!"
"Kill the other pushers!" I shouted back. "Throw a grenade!" As if on some retarded cue, Rock pulled Dmitri out of thin air, and fired a rocket right past my head and to the other competitors. Unfortunately, after killing the other team in a shower of green dog food, the bomb set off in the tunnel. A green gas filled the air, causing us all to cover our snouts.
"Oh, GOD, that stinks of shite!" I groaned. "Get out, back to Bush's place!" Needless to say, the journey to the exit was rather drowse inducing, with Rock having to carry Six, Swift, and Iron with his failing alertness. But just as we did reach that exit, I realised something else was breaking, something that had remained intact for months.

My sanity.

"The fuck 'appened 'ere?" Bush asked, removing his earcovers and looking at the two dead Changelings with newly transplanted jaws in each other's eyes. He removed his eye from the scope, making it difficult to tell how long he'd been looking through it. All we knew was that Six now suffered PTSD, and Swift looked like a psychopath who collected Changeling eyes and put them into a necklace.