I told you to go right

"So, how're we gonna do this, Dok?" I asked as we trotted all the way down to the end with a cart full of keys. "How do we split this loot?"
"Well, as far as I'm interested, I may only require items designed for my type, for instance medi-guns and hats," he replied, "If anything else catches my eye, I'll have it, but otherwise you're free to have anything else, ja?"
"Alright, seems like a good deal." I nodded. Finally, we reached the section we were looking for; Crate #19. Doktor said these were the first lot of crates to contain Strange weapons that could count kills made with them, or other stats, so we agreed that this was probably the best place to start. We locked the wooden cart on a nearby steel pole that was holding up the platform that held more crates, and Dok removed one key as he adjusted his glasses. He moved to the first crate that was sat on its own, and bent down. I sat beside him. The crate was large, much larger than I'd have expected. The lock was old and tired, looked huge. A small note, attached to the chain with string, seemed to be a shared feature amongst all crates.
The writing was impossible to read, but there was a big stamp on it that said that it got signed by SAXTON HAAAAAAALE, so I was fine with that. Dok turned to me with a grin.
"Would you like to do the honours, meine freunde?" he asked, before offering the gleaming key out with a hoof.
"Nah, you can do it." I replied. "After all, you spent money on these keys, and spent years gathering these crates, so you deserve to open it." He shrugged, and practically rammed the key into the lock. After a few seconds, the chains began to fall off and the lid began to open. But slowly. Suddenly, a crowd cheered loudly, despite there being no crowd nearby. Inside the box, there was a lot of straw, but in the middle, something metal and gleaming was poking out.
Dok cautiously reached in, grabbed the object, and pulled it out with both hooves. When he drew it, I couldn't believe it.
Strange Eyelander
He frowned, and tossed the sword in my direction as I scrambled to catch it. "Ach, Ich can't use this in das surgery. And I can barely lift it anyway. It's yours."
"Cheers." I smirked as I gazed upon this new blade. It was possibly the sexiest weapon I have ever seen, and it was ENGLISH! Well, it's actually Scottish, but who gives a toss?! Scotland is part of the UK at the time this was written, so God save the bloody Queen! Just as Dok went to get another key, and I was on my own, I heard a voice.
"Heeeeeads..." it whispered. "Headheadheeaad..."
"Ohh, it's haunted." I whistled giving it an idle twirl. Just then, Doktor returned with another key.
"Next box?" he smiled as we moved to another box.

The whole day went like that; Doktor had a bunch of new hats and weapons, I had a complete Demoknight item set, and I was still amazed at how the Ponyfied versions of these weapons were still as awesome as the originals. So, I received open mouthed stares as I walked through the palace whilst wearing the Dark Age Defender, a Strange Eyelander, Chargin' Targe, a Strange Loch and Load, my Tooth Kicker boots, and the Tavish Degroot Exerience. And a fake beard, because who doesn't love beards.
The only problem with my Demo-Swag was that I would have a weird Scottish accent, so things tended to sound more insulting than they were. I also felt slightly weaker, since I was carrying the Eyelander, which from what I remember of TF2, removes 25 health. But sword on my back, shield on my arm, fuzzy beard warming my face, spiky armour making me look creepy, and a Jimmi Hendrix hat on my head, I felt like the most important man in town.
Just then, Blueblood walked around the corner, and stared at me in disgust.
"Ugh, what are you WEARING, you peasant?" he asked in a bitchy voice. "Take it off!"
"Ach, noooo!" I replied, dismissing him with a hoof. The unicorn growled, and turned away slowly, before snapping back to face me. This time, he had a terribly made version of the Afterburner pointed at me.
"Ahaha!" he laughed. "Who's in charge now?" I frowned and stared at his crude weapon. Guards, maids, and other servants stopped to watch this 'confrontation'.
"That's a right pretty bra washer ye've built, ye big ugly girl." I said in my Scottish accent. He glared at me, and prepared to-
WHAM
I yelled loudly and charged forward with the Chargin' Targe, throwing Blueblood all the way across the hallway and out of an open door. Luckily for him, he landed in a fountain and made himself look like a pillock in front of some mare he was courting, who just happened to be outside and staring at him. The crowd 'oooh'd at my display of 'fuck you Blueblood', before clapping. I performed a quick spin on my rear hooves and recreated Demoman's Sticky Bomb launcher taunt, before heading to dinner.

The dining table was silent as all three Princesses, Shining Armor, the Elements, the lads, and the members of A-Team (whom I had invited, 'cause I'm a bloke like that) gawped at my swag. Celestia cleared her throat first.
"Thunder, dear," she began, keeping her etiquette, "I hope you don't mind me inquiring into what the bloody hell you're wearing?"
"Chargin' Targe, Tooth Kickers, Eyelander, Tavish Degroot Experience, Loch and Load, and a Dark Age Defender." Inferno answered for me. "Those weapons strange?"
"Bloody right." I replied in my accent. "I smashed into that bastard Blueblood earlier with the Chargin' Targe bash. It was funny, 'cause he smacked his noggin on a marble fountain and Doctors are saying he's speaking Griffonian because of his wee knock to the head. He'll be a Frenchy for a few days." I received more confused looks.
"Why do you have an accent?" Cadence asked. The pink mare looked worried and happy at the same time, as usual.
"I don't bleedin' know." I replied sharply. "Maybe it's all these items. All I know is that I need to please the spirit o' this haunted blade." I drew the Eyelander, and rested it on my shoulder. "I got some bloody good shit today, lads. Some bloody good shit."
"Where from?" Ebony asked quickly. I considered what Dok said about sharing the stuff, then realised that he lay down the deal.
"Dok. He has a shit load o' boxes, shit load o' keys, I'm givin' him a hand openin' them. He said it's more difficult tae share betw'en 7 or 8 people, but if I get less things 'cause I'm sharin', so be it."
"Can we go down tomorrow?" Fire asked.
"Aye," I replied. "And bring a cart, items will be unboxed, boyo!"
"I wonder if he has any Salvaged crates?" Sky smirked. "Imagine getting a PDA."
"Yeah, or a Gunslinger alongside that!" Inferno added.
"What are they talking about...?" Twilight asked Rarity from over the table. I could see the mares of the table, minus Cadence, Pinkie, and Flutterst, were all looking unenthusiastic about their lovers geeking out over this stuff. Rarity's straight, miserable face said it all.
"Hey girls, wanna have an orgy?" she said to get our attention. None of us listened.
"...oh, and I need to get some bloody heads fer me Eyelander!" I laughed, leaning in my chair.
"OK, Rarity," Twilight added, also looking annoyed. "I'll go get the lingerie."
"I bet I'll unbox a Strange Pain Train." Fire said, and we all laughed loudly.
"Celly," Luna frowned, looking to Celestia. "Fancy a spot of incest?"
"Certainly Lulu." Celestia frowned.
"I hope I get a Sticky Jumper at one point." Inferno added. "Or a Holy Mackerel, because fish."
"I hope I get a Strange Bottle, because the Whiskey in that is ridiculously powerful." Ebony added. "Nad d'you know what else we all want?"
"Attention?" the girls asked hopefully. We boys frowned at them.
"NO." I said in a firm Demoman way.
"HATS!" the other lads replied, before we all got up and ran out the room in search of hats.
Just then, Moony appeared in my head.
Thunder, who's this other guy in here?
What do you mean?
He's wearing medieval armour, he's Scottish, and keeps running a hoof under my chin whilst saying 'heads' in a creepy way.
Oh, that guy? He's the Eyelander Spirit. Keep him amused, because he gives power to those who take heads with his blade.
Hmm. And get better taste in hats, please. Get a Hustler's Hallmark, you'll look like a pimp.
And that's good?
For me, yes. It's sexy.
Heeeeaaaadsss...
Sweet, this guy talks to me?
Heads heads heads...
I can relate to this dude. Please, tell me more.
Claim their heads...heads heads...remove the heads, I will reward your collected heads...heeeeeaaaaadddssss...take their headdssss..

He kept talking for a whole hour, and Moony got so bored I think I heard her cloning herself in my head, just so she could have sex with herself...
Wow, that gives me wood just remembering that, and the fact she's probably doing it now...nff.