Chapters An Introduction: Madness for the Mad God
"So, are you nervous big guy?"
Rainbow Dash peered over the Macho Man's broad shoulders at his reflection in the mirror. He was preening, mussing his hair and gritting his teeth in an attempt to look as intimidating as possible. Tonight was the night of his first big bout in the newly formed Equestrian Wrestling Federation, and the stakes were higher than they'd ever been in his career; he'd wrestled for prize money, championship belts, and the admiration of his adoring fans, but wrestling for the fate of an entire kingdom? That was a first.
"No," he fibbed, "the Macho Man Randy Savage doesn't get nervous."
The truth was that he was a wreck. His nerves were wracked to all hell; his anxiety was doing a bigger number on him than anything Hogan or the Ultimate Warrior could've ever thrown at him, but no one could know that. Whether he was the greatest wrestler of all time was up to interpretation but it was a fact that his most valuable asset was his psychotic exuberance, his ability to incite the fires of Macho Madness inside the minds of his enemies. Sun Tzu had claimed that the supreme art of war was to subdue the enemy before ever even throwing a punch. If he was to lose his composure now he would have nothing.
Rainbow Dash had known Randy long enough now to be able to call his bluffs, which she usually did, but she couldn't bring herself to make a snide at his expense. Dash had never considered herself perceptive of other ponies' emotions, but Randy was different, and she could see in that moment that he was suffering. She could only offer a few cheap words of encouragement to the Macho Man as he adorned his hat and made his way out of his dressing room.
"Hey!"
The Macho Man stopped in his tracks, but did not turn to face the little tomboyish pony that he had come to consider his greatest friend.
"I know Discord's a tough customer and all, heck the six of us were just barely able to defeat him before you showed up, but I just wanted to say give 'em hay ok?!"
Randy removed the colorful sash from around his waist and forcefully handed it to Rainbow Dash.
"Do you know what this is, Rainbow Dash? Don't answer 'cause I'm going to tell ya! That there is a crying towel, ooh yeah! That's for Discord to mop up his tears with after I snap into him like a Slim Jim and win this title bout! Now you give that to him, and make sure you tell him that I was the one who sent you. OH YEAH!"
With that the Macho Man saluted Rainbow Dash and ran for the square circle with a giddy little hop in his step. Rainbow Dash had pepped him up just enough to get him headed to the ring. He had no idea what he would do when got there or what awaited him; all he knew was that he couldn't fail tonight. He wouldn't fail tonight.
Author's Note
I'll say this upfront: I'm winging this. My writing is never consistently fluid; I'm always trying something new. I noticed a disturbing lack of Macho Man related fanfictions, a fact that snapped my heart in two just like a Slim Jim. This story is mainly for me but if anyone should enjoy this story I'll gladly accept all monetary donations in payments to my offshore accounts. Speak to Carlos. Tell him 'The eagle roosts on the highest peak'; he'll know what it means. Benjamins only please. I'm not going to make it rain with Washingtons now am I?
Chapter I - Macho of Honor: Prizefighter
The Macho Man Randy Savage held the microphone firmly against his lips, not wishing Hogan or any of his so called 'Hulkamaniacs' to mishear a single word of his announcement. He'd effectively hijacked the camera from his interviewer, Gene Okerlund, who was trying desperately to steal back the microphone. In a weeks time he would be facing off against Hulk Hogan, the event he'd been waiting all season for; he wanted to let him know that he was 'hogeward-bound' and that the madness express would be stopping in his station for one night, and one night only.
"...and I'm looking at you Jack Tunney! I've seen the future with my Macho Mysticism and it does not bode well for the Hulkster, ooh no... Tell the ref to be standing by with a big box of kleenexes because they're going to need it for all the little 'Hulkamaniacs' to blow their noses next Friday night WHEN I BEAT HIM! OH YEAH."
Okerlund snatched back the mic from an absorbed Macho Man.
"So I take it their is some animosity behind the scenes with you and Mr. Hulk Hogan? How can we expect that to manifest in the fight next week? Do you have a game plan?"
The Macho Man removed his oversized sunglasses and wagged a tensed finger at the camera before him. He wasn't going to risk saying anything that might deny him his revenge against the Hulk.
"Mean Gene, a good magician NEVER REVEALS HIS SECRETS, ohh yeah! Safe to say, there is going to be a lot of magic in the ring next week. It's going to be an undeniably volatile situation, because, by the end of the night, Hulk Hogan will disappear...disappear. Make sure to keep the video scopes a rollin', yeah, because you're not going to believe your eyes. It will happen so fast that you can't even talk about it."
"You heard it here first! The Macho Man is slated to take down Hulk Hogan in a match for the ages. One more question if I may, Randy?
Randy flared his nostrils and grabbed the microphone from Gene, gripping it tightly in his behemoth hands. He tightened his vice grip around the microphone until his knuckles became white with stress. After a few short moments the microphone busted in his hand, leaving bits of electric components all over the floor.
"NO MORE QUESTIONS!! ALAKAZAM!"
That said, the Macho Man ran off towards his dressing room, leaving Okerlund to pick up the shards of his once professional-grade microphone. There was a lot of perpetration that he and Elizabeth needed to get in order for the big night: what jewels would look most striking in his crown when he was to be coronated, what kind of speech he would deliver over Hogan's masticated remains, etc.
As Randy neared his dressing room his giddy stride slowed to a lumbering amble. He wasn't worried about the bout. There wasn't any reason to be. In his eyes, and provably everyone else's, save the most ardent Hulkamaniacs, he was the greatest wrestler who had ever lived, and he was living right now. Still, he couldn't shake this nagging, persistent pounding pain in his temples. It was as if someone was trying to call out to him. Nothing a warm bubble bath and a Macho Manwich garnished with Slim Jim's couldn't handle, he reckoned.
Macho Man snatched the door to his dressing room from the hinges and settled down in his bath for a night of relaxation. He hadn't trained for a fight in weeks, something his manager and wife, Elizabeth, never tired if bringing up. As he soaked in the tub, Elizabeth made a point of nagging to the Macho Man about his (nonexistent) training and dietary habits.
"Randy, I think you really ought to start preparing for your fight with Hogan. He'll be a tough customer; he beat you last time you fought--"
"He didn't beat me." Randy interjected, holding aloft a finger. "I let him win so that my victory next week would be all the more glorious, YEAH!"
He pointed to a clump of big bubbles floating before him in the bathtub, which he methodically popped whilst naming his greatest rivals.
"That big one,that's the Giant Gonzalez-
Pop.
"Those three? That's the Nature Boy, Jake the Snake, and Sting."
Pop. Pop. Pop.
"That weird one setting off to the side alone can be the Undertaker. Man, talk about a freak. Only demon coming for him is L-U-C-I-F-E-R. What's that spell backwards, Elizabeth?"
He didn't wait for her to answer before continuing.
"That's right! The Macho Man, ooh yeah."
Pop.
He pointed to an especially lopsided and small bubble, a pathetic and insignificant thing.
"...that ugly,deformed one? Yeah, that's Hulk Hogan, and the little ones fused to it are his 'Hulkamaniacs'."
He brought his hulking fist into the air and poised it to smite the little bubbles. Leveling his hand for the perfect blow, Macho Man struck the water with such force that water went flying out of the tub, spattering against the wall across the room.
"That's what will happen next Friday night, Elizabeth, only that bubble probably would've put up a better fight than Hogan."
Elizabeth gave the Macho Man an incredulous look and left him be. He obviously had the who's thing figured out and it wasn't any business of hers to doubt the Macho Man's stratagem. She could only pray that the wrestling gods were on his side. Hulk would destroy the Macho Man if they weren't.
With Elizabeth gone, Randy settled into his bath and closed his eyes. He would need his beauty rest for the events after Friday's match, so he needed as much sleep as possible. He was finding his soak to be slightly more therapeutic than it usually did; he felt a tingling sensation all over his body. It was good to be the Macho King.
Rainbow Dash meandered through the winding hedge maze of the royal palace's garden, brooding over the question of her abrupt summonings by the princess. Why had she sent for her specifically to accompany her? Twilight was her protégée; Rainbow Dash had barely ever spoken to the princess, and they certainly weren't on a first name basis. To the princess, Dash was still just the Element of Loyalty, and to her the princess was still Her Majesty. Whatever the occasion might be, Celestia was awaiting her in the center of the maze; hopefully, the meeting would be one of praise and not condemnation, not that Rainbow Dash had anything to hide, honest. She rounded one last corner before finally standing in the midst of the princess, kneeling before her.
"Ah! Loyalty, it is excellent to see you. You must be wondering why I've brought you here. Allow me to assuage your fears; you've been summoned because, like Magic, I have deemed you worthy of the next phase of your training. As you are well aware, I've recently freed Discord, believing that he might be reformed. It seems it was a foolish thing to do, for he has returned to his former disharmonious behavior."
"Well, duh," Rainbow Dash interjected,"what did you expect would happen if you freed him?! Sorry for yelling princess, but I didn't see the sense in it then and I still don't. I'm surprised things haven't been any worse than they currently-"
Dash stopped herself short of tirade. She had forgotten who she was talking to for a moment, and now her face was flushed with embarrassment. She wondered if chewing out a monarch was a reprehensible offense, gauging the princess's stoic visage for any sign of understated rage. Instead, her face softened into a slight smile.
"You're entirely correct, Loyalty. I had a lapse in judgement, one that has put the entire kingdom at risk once again. I did however have reason to believe that Discord was in possession of something very precious, something that could only be gained through
"Why the hay would Discord have something like that? Maybe if there was an Element of Lunacy!"
"As I said, I had my reasons to suspect that he was its wielder, reasons that will be come evident to you in short time."
Celestia moved aside just a bit and revealed a perfectly spherical, alabaster white stone with a black circle planted on its surface, bobbing weightlessly in the breeze. She ushered Rainbow Dash forth to look at it, to which she complied. She had no idea what it was; magical artifacts were more Twilight Egghead's forte.
"Uh, princess?"
Rainbow Dash studied the artifact for a brief moment but hadn't the slightest clue to its significance.
"What is it?"
"You don't know then? Take a guess, Loyalty."
"Is it somepony's glass eye? I swear, I got nothing."
The princess appeared pleasantly surprised at Rainbow Dash's answer, a surprise given how snide it sounded to her immediately after she said it. She waited for Celestia to continue her explanation with as much decorum as she could muster, mentally lambasting herself for the offhandedness of her remark. She'd meant to act graciously, truly, but sarcasm came naturally to her; it really did look like a prosthetic eye though.
"Loyalty, my little ponies never cease to amaze me. This is, in fact, a sort of eye: it is an ancient Equestrian relic known as the Oculus. When you look at it you'll see nothing out of the ordinary, but in the hooves of a powerful alicorn it serves as a sort of nexus for communing with the different heavenly bodies. With it, I'm able to watch all the affairs that take place in Equestria's borders and beyond."
Rainbow Dash considered the implications of being able to watch everypony in Equestria at once; it was more than a little creepy. Still, if anypony ought to possess that sort of freedom, it was only right to be within Princess Celestia's domain. Was this the way by which Celestia was able to keep the peace for a millennia, the reason she was always able to represent the voice of reason? In the hands of less honest alicorn, this trinket could be used as the means to enslave the populace rather than keep the peace.
" As I said before, I believed Discord to be in the possession of this seventh element for two primary reasons: what I know of what he is now and what I knew of him before he was the manifestation of chaos dubbed Discord. However, I've discovered that I was mistaken through the use of the Oculus you see before you. The real wielder of Perseverance is the denizen of a different space far out of our reach, or he would be if our world was anything like h-...theirs."
Dash sat stone faced. She could tell the princess was being intentionally coy, but she didn't wish to risk causing an incident. She reckoned that she had already come way to close to being thrown out of the castle for comfort. Whatever the task the princess decided to hand down to her, Dash would consign herself to dutifully fulfill. The princess continued:
"I say this as a prelude to the task I intend to commend to you, which I will layout before you now. I'm going to use the Oculus to bring Tenacity to our plane. As the most tenacious of the existing elements, I'm tasking you with the duty of helping them to realize their duty. I must forewarn you; this job will be arduous. Tenacity, as far as I've noted, can be very overbearing. You must attempt to extend your friendship to Tenacity, otherwise they may never come to realize their destiny. The truth is, to reach their apex, Tenacity will need someone equally as determined to butt heads with."
Rainbow Dash sighed a bit. Did the princess, in so many words, just call her stubborn?
"I'll do it, even if it means I have to push myself to keep up with them."
"I'm glad to hear you say it, Loyalty. I'm going to reach out to him now. I'm certain that you will be able to empower them with the strength they will need to return harmony to Equestria."
That being said, Celestia lowered her head and her eyes burned white like a star. She began to chant in a tongue unknown to Rainbow Dash, and the earth seemed to quiver underneath every harsh consonant of her speech. Dash could only look on in awe as clouds of dust slowly took on a humanoid capacity, the particles in the air aligning to form the bones and sinew, muscles and flesh, of a creature unlike anything she had ever seen before.
Chapter II - The Macho Man Cometh
One moment the Macho Man had been soaking in a state of sudsy euphoria and now he found himself suspended in some sort of cosmic void, a purple hued constellation with hisself as the focal point. He removed his glasses and gander end all about, trying to ascertain his location but to no avail. Randy didn't have the slightest idea where he was but this whole event was definitely rustling his jimmies; he would rank it somewhere around a .4 on the Macho Madness scale and definitely within the top ten strangest bubble baths he'd ever had.
Twiddling his fingers a smacking his lips audibly, he surveyed the vast expanses of the universe which the Gods of Wrestling had so graciously, and randomly, laid out before him. He'd told Okerlund once in an interview that he was bound for the Twilight Zone but he hadn't expected to reach ultimate wrestling zen so soon in his studies. Surely the great deities of the Friday Night SmackDown had made a mistake by summoning him prematurely into their midst; after all, what loving gods would deny him the right to lay out Hulk Hogan. Not any gods he cared to spend an eternity with. He appealed to his summoner, somewhere in the void:
"Space-time distortion, ooh yeah. Space is the Place and Macho's the man but the time...the time is premature, yeah...Send me back. SEND ME BACK!! I have unfinished business with the Hulkster!"
As he screamed blindly into the void, he felt the impression that his calls were only falling on deaf ears. This was not the Elysium Gardens, a valley of well-toned and greased heroes, that he had dreamt many a night of; rather, this was Wrestling Limbo, his own personal slice of Hell set to a starry backdrop. He drifted for what seemed like hours, his head hung low, before he became aware of something beckoning to him from the darkness. There was no way to explain the feeling other than comparing it to the dinner bell that his mother used to ring to call him in from play after a long day's Macho Madness. He perked his ears and listened intently to the vacuum before him.
In time he became attuned to a dulcet, maternal voice calling to him through the cosmos; it reminded him of his own mother, God rest her soul. He couldn't make out the words of the song being sung to him but the simple serenity conveyed by the tone of the voice was enough to draw him nearer, as if he were caught in an undertow. He drifted through space in the same manner that one might tread water, kicking his massive calves and swinging his defined biceps in unison.
"Macho Mama?! Mama, is that you? I've missed you so much, ooh yeah. I'm sorry mother, I-"
"Peace Tenacity," the voice resonated across the rift. "I'm not your mother, though I consider you one of my many children all the same; I am the Princess Celestia of Equestria and, though you do not know it yet, our destinies are intertwined. I know you to hold the keys to my nation's survival. I'm appealing to you, as one sovereign to another, to please assist me in restoring peace to my land."
The Macho Man cocked his head at her words, dragging his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose so that his eyes were just barely visible.
"Sovereign? I'm no king, just a humble man who also happens to be the greatest wrestler who ever lived, ooh yeah!"
"It is written in your fate; I've seen it etched in your heart. There can be no other to fill the space you reside in."
Randy strokes his beard feverishly, his brow furrowing and a smug hint of a smile stretching across his lips.
"Are you saying that I, moi, AM THE GREATEST AND MOST INDISPUTABLY IMPORTANT INTERCONTINENTAL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION IN THE KNOWN AND UKNOWN UNIVERSE?!"
"You are the Macho Man Randy Savage, are you not?"
"Ooh yeah," the Macho Man cooed, his ego stroked perfectly. "You're just affirming what I already knew baby! I'm the cream of the crop...yep...and as we all know the cream always rises to the top! Yes!" He threw several packets of coffee creamer into the vacuum of space which he kept on his person especially for circumstances calling for his 'cream of the crop' speech.
The Princess let out a small giggle at the Macho Man's expense, something that Randy would not leave unchallenged.
"HEY! Are you laughing at me?! You're probably some kind of Hulkamaniac aren't you? Is this your idea of humor?! THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE IS NOT AMUSED!"
"No, no Tenacity." Celestia said as she composed herself. "My laughing isn't directed at you, per say; I find your confidence endearing, infectious even. It reminds me of someone I knew once, long ago."
Letting the last of the giggles flow forth from her diaphragm, at length Celestia continued to speak:
"Once again, I beseech you Randall-"
"Macho Man."
I beseech you, Macho Man; help me to bring harmony back to a plagued kingdom. I know wholeheartedly that your stalwartness will see the chaotic Discord returned to his marble prison."
The Macho Man absorbed Celestia's words, considering their plight with as much professionalism as he could muster. His ego had been sufficiently stroked by the Princess's kind words but his palms remained ungreased. Why should he care about the affairs of another world, one he carried no stake in, when he had his own obstacles to overcome back in the Federation. It was true that he was a glory hound above all, but a little tangible 'recognition' of his efforts would be necessary as well. Ever the Macho Miser, Randy began to twist the kindly Princess's arm:
"What's in it for me, huh? What am I going to receive as payment for fighting your battles for you? This has to be a mutual agreement; it can't just benefit you, ooh no princess."
"You will receive the greatest boon of all, one most prized by my people. Many have claimed to know of it but few have been lucky enough to reside in its awe inspiring radiance."
The Macho Man licked his chops avidly, his interest now piqued.
"Radiance, huh? That's one of those fancy words for shiny, ain't it? The Macho Man likes shiny things, ooh yeah! Count me in BABY!"
A moment later, Randy was bathed in a glorious golden light, the tingling sensation returning to his rippling muscles. He felt himself dissipating. It was a comforting feeling, like a full body cleanse, YEAH!
"BEAM ME UP SCOTTI-"
In that instant the Macho Man was transported to the Canterlot Castle garden, leaving the cosmos minus one radiant, shining star.
Chapter III - Animosity is Magic
The first thing the Macho Man's eyes rested on were two ponies: a rainbow-hued pygmy and a crane-necked giantess. He wrenched his comically huge sunglasses from the bridge of his nose and studied the creatures from top to bottom; he did not approve of this act of deception. He was told that he would be greeted by the princess, not an entourage of admiring equine fans. If the princess would not make her self known...he would have to ask for help, a thought that brought a pang to his masculine heart. At length, he spoke:
"I am invariably in a situation I'd rather not be in, yeah, but could one of you ponies point me to the Princess Celestia?"
The crane-necked pony stepped forward, bowing her head to the Macho Man as a sign of respect.
"It is wonderful to finally meet you face to face, Tenacity. I'm the Princess Celestia and this land around you is Equestria."
The Macho Man wagged his finger at the princess. Randy Savage didn't have much in the way of education, you didn't need any with guns like his, but he knew the difference between a pony and a princess. This was most definitely a pony, though the tiara on her head did seem to indicate otherwise. He promoted the Macho Madness scale from .4 to DEFCON 2, standing by for an elbow slam.
"I can see that you're greatly confused Tenacity, but I can assure you that I am the ruler of this fair land."
She raised a hoof to point out a statue sculpted in her likeness that topped the fountain functioning as a centerpiece to the garden.
"Nothing means nothing means nothing, yeah..."
"Perhaps if one of my subjects were to attest to my stature you would believe me?"
The Macho Man put his glasses on only to immediately rip them back off for emphasis. He twiddled his fingers and pointed at Celestia, settling his mad gaze upon her. Rainbow Dash stood idly by, confused as to what exactly was going on.
"I don't need the words of one of your cronies to know that you're tall, yeah! You must take me for a fool. That makes me angry, OOH YEAH!!"
Celestia cocked her head to the side and contemplated how she might appeal to the Macho Man Randy Savage.
"...besides, who can I trust when I can't even trust the voices inside my own head, yep. The gears of Macho Madness are turning and they can't be stopped; it's all ready too late, mhmm. Unless somebody brings the princess here right now, I'm going to release 1,000,000,000 cubic tons of Slim-Jim scented madness on this land. I'm talking inevitable, and I'm talking-"
Rainbow Dash scrambled into the air and gave Randy a swift but precise kick in the temple, rendering him unconscious. She hadn't meant to hurt him, only to debilitate him; she'd been waiting for justification to ring that meathead's bell and when he started threatening the whole of Equestria, Dash felt she had it.
"Heh. He's not so tough. Where the hay does he come off questioning your rule anyhow?! He's the outsider here."
Celestia could scarcely believe her eyes. Never had she seen one of the Elements of Harmony act so brazenly, and in her company no less. She was on the verge of talking down the Macho Man when Dash had reversed all her work. She contemplated what to do for a brief moment, before she realized something important: Rainbow Dash had given her the perfect opportunity to pair them together. Celestia put on the fiercest facade she could manage.
"Loyalty!" She barked. "Perhaps I misjudged you. I believed that you would be the one to help Randy acclimatize to Equestria and realize his destiny, but now I've seen that you're no better than the Macho Man. You're a common thug, and like him you, you will subjected to the same punishment for your act of impudence."
Rainbow Dash's eyes shifted to the ground, her head hung, and her heart deflated. She had only tried to protect the princess and now she was being chewed out for it. Surely the princess would understand that she was brash and headstrong by nature, and wouldn't reprimand her for the same qualities which she had been praised for only moments earlier.
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act out of line; I j-just couldn't help myself. He was threatening you and everypony in Equestria. I thought you had made a mistake, like when you released Disc-"
Rainbow Dash stopped herself before she made the matter any worse. It had seemed as if nothing was going right today. Before meeting with the princess, she'd resolved that she would be on her best behavior. What happened?
"Loyalty, it is not your place to evaluate whether I've made a mistake or not. Your brashness has shown me that you're unfit to undertake this task and perhaps even unfit to be one of the Elements of Harmony. Your actions here today may have very well doomed my rule. I'm sending you to the dungeon for the duration of the Macho Man's stay in Equestria; you're too much of a liability to be allowed to roam freely. Perhaps, after Randy's task is done, I will one day consider letting you appeal your case."
"Princess Celestia, p-please..."
Adhering to Celestia's orders, a posse of armed guardsmen assembled and escorted Rainbow Dash to the dungeon; she did not attempt to resist. Before today, Rainbow Dash did not even know the Canterlot Castle had a dungeon, so seldom had it been used throughout the millennia. She'd gone from a valued asset to public enemy number one in ten seconds flat. The irony of being jailed by the princess known for being loving and lenient in the exercise of her power was almost too much to bear.
"I CAN BREAK THESE CUFFS!!"
The raucous shouting of an inmate being carried through the prison complex awoke Rainbow Dash from her sleep. She'd been left in the dungeon for several hours but, as someone who thrived on physical activity in wide-open spaces, it may have well as been several days. She couldn't see who was shouting from her cell but, if she had to put her bits on it, Dash reckoned that it was probably Equestria's newest whatever-the-hay he was.
"You can't break those cuffs." A guardsman stated matter-of-factly. "Even here Celestia's residual magical energy is holding those things on tight. You'd have to saw your hooves off to get out of those. Now, why don't you take a seat right here,cool down, and then call me back over when you've had an attitude adjustment."
Rainbow Dash could hear Randy's rustling about quite clearly in the cell next to her, though she could not see him. By her account, Celestia had seemed hay-bent on toting 'Tenacity', or whatever the buck she called him, as her new golden boy. She guessed that Celestia had come to realize that trying to convince that foal of anything was a lost cause.
"I like sugar and I like tea, but I don't like PONIES, no sirree, YEAH!"
Dash prayed the princess would have mercy on her and remove her idiot neighbor from the premises as soon as possible; she could see herself getting annoyed way too fast with this guy. She nestled her head in her wings and tried to drown out Macho Man's lunacy but it seemed a hopeless endeavor. With her luck, Randy would be making a racket the whole time he was down here. She would've kicked him upside the head again if she could've reached him but the towering brick enclosure around her made that line of action impossible. Rather than sit up all night tormented by his savage yells, Dash decided she would attempt to reason with the beast; it probably wouldn't help but it couldn't hurt.
"Hey, Randy? Your name is Randy right?"
The Macho Man stopped his inane rambling and listened. He could have sworn that someone had called his name, but he couldn't be too sure because of the throbbing in his head from where that rainbow colored menace had assaulted him.
"Hey, did someone say something?"
"Yeah, the name is Rainbow Dash. Can you try to keep it down?"
"Rainbow Dash, yeah? Are you the midget who laid me out in the courtyard?! If I could reach you right now I'd crumple you up like yesterday's newspaper, yeah...And then I'd-"
Great. Instead of shutting the buck up he started talking more. It would be a long night, no way about it. She'd either be talked to death by the ape-next-door or die of boredom, whichever came first. It still didn't make sense to her that Celestia would jail her when she was oh so integral in helping Randy to realize his destiny. And why had she locked him up for that matter? It was all a bunch of Macho Madness.
"Randy? Are you really a strong as you claim you are?"
"Stronger, ooh yeah! I've been tried by fire and chilled by ice, yeah...I've soared with the eagles, slithered with the snakes, and now I'm trotting with the ponies. There aren't sufficient words to describe Macho Madness and how stroooong it is, YEAH! I'm talking ineffable, and I'm talking..."
"But that's my point, Macho Man ." Rainbow Dash said derisively. "All I've seen from you is a bunch of talking about how great you are. Talk is cheap, you know? Celestia seems to think you're wonderful but I'm not seeing it. What's so macho about you , huh?!"
Her words came out more agitated than they were intended to be. She was genuinely curious whether the Macho Man possessed any sort of superhuman strength because, frankly, that might prove useful in her bind.
"You mean besides being the greatest Intercontinental Heavyweight Wrestling champion that ever lived?"
"Yeah. I can break the sound barrier so why can't you break down one of these walls? Why don't you punch down this wall between us and come get me?"
She heard a great deal of ruckus, as if he had actually smashed his balled fists into the concrete wall. What a foal. Rainbow Dash listened intently for his rebuttal but heard nothing from him. Dash hadn't intended to put the big guy at a loss for words, but as long as he was quiet she was fine with it.
She reclined and looked out the little rectangular, barred window. She could see the front lawn of the castle but scarcely anything else; it was nearly pitch black outside. However, two bobbing lantern lights could be seen in the distance, carried by two male ponies. It was probably a guard patrol but she didn't know of a branch of the service that wore boater hats and bow ties; that would make them intruders. Wait, what?
"We'll, that was a dud..."
Flam fanned hisself with his hat. He and his dear brother Flim had just been chased through the winding streets of the western quarter by some particularly perturbed townsfolk. They had been simply trying to liquidate the last of their premier and, might I add, delectable apple cider. Ok, the supply was a little old, about three months out of date, but for the low,low price of a bit a tankard was there really any reason for the pony folk to be angered? I mean, what did they expect, non-expired apple cider?
"Agreed brother. I believe we ought to just abandon the rest of this cider in the next town over."
"Pish-posh! What a waste of cider. You'll never make any money with a mindset like that, Flam."
Flam tweaked his mustache absent-mindedly, trying to take in the situation. They'd developed quite a reputation as of late as two-bit snake oil salesmen, a foolish deduction they might add; any snake oil salesmen worth his salt would never sell a bottle for under three bits. Flim and Flam had tried to sell their cider to every backwoods sucker from Ponyville to Appaloosa but it seemed wherever they went they were always seen off by a torchlight procession, not the good and festive kind either.
"Well, I suppose we could always drink it?"
Flim recoiled at his brothers words, his eyes taking on the shape of saucers.
"Do you have a death wish brother?!"
"Nonsense. It can't be as bad as everyone says it is. We made it after all."
Flam pulled a little silver flask from his vest pocket and held it under the spout of one of the cider kegs. He gingerly turned the valve and filled his cup with its amber bounty until it was filled to the brim. Inspecting the cider closely as it poured forth, he smelled of it and deduced that it was not spoiled.
"Liquid gold, my boy." Flam winked and held the neck of the flask back as he let the cider roll down his throat.
Flam fell backwards on to the dirt and convulsed violently, the very same liquid he'd just swallowed bubbling forth from his gaping mouth as a wretched froth.
"Brother!"
Flim threw hisself to his brother's feet and began compressing his chest. After what seemed like minutes of pumping, Flam sputtered forth the vile concoction which ran down his cheek and into the crevices between the cobblestone that lined Canterlot's streets.
"Flim," Flam said meekly, brushing his hoof against his brother's tear dampened cheek. "Did we wittingly sell that to our customers? I saw the fires of Tartarus; they will not be sated until...you..."
He pointed at Flim ominously, but he only dismissed his brother's deranged, cider induced ramblings.
"Shh, hush now, Flam." Flim said as he burped his baby brother. "Everything is going to be ok. Rest no--Hello!"
"Hello yourself." Flam said, pushing his brother off the top of him. "What do you mean hello?"
Flim pointed at a group of guardsmen escorting an absolutely hulking individual through the streets. He was unlike anything the Flim-Flam brothers had seen before. He looked as if he could snap the guards in two if he hadn't been subdued by magical restraints. Flim's eyes lit up as he hatched a plan.
"Do you smell it dear brother?"
"I smell that foul creatures musk, if that is what you mean?"
"No!" Flim said, berating his brother. "What I smell is a lucrative opportunity."
"Oh really? Like being cider salesmen? Give me the reigns brother because you have no idea how to follow the money..."
"No! Trust me this time. We're going to strike it rich and that thing, whatever in Celestia's name it may be, will be the way we do it. I propose that we follow those guards and bust him from his entrapments; he'll be indebted to us. That's when we will bring him under our service as his new managers..."
Flam crinkled his nose. Flim came up with a lot of 'wacky' ideas but this one just seemed lazily hatched.
"Why the hay would that thing need a manager? What does it have to manage?! As far as we know it is a mindless thing from some foreign land. It may even be dangerous!"
"That's precisely what I'm counting on brother. Tell me, are you familiar with the sport of wrestling? It's big money generator in the underground scene of the Gryphon Kingdom. I propose that we manage that thing, if it be of standard intelligence, and use it as the basis for a similar sport in Equestria. The Equestrian Wrestling Federation, or the EWF."
Flam shook his head. It was probably the dumbest thing he'd ever heard.
"That's dumb."
"Is that all you have to say about it brother?! I just poured my heart out here and you say 'That's dumb.' You can stay here and peddle cider if you want; as for me, I'm wrangling a wrestler ."
With that, Flim bounded off after the guard procession, keeping to the shadows like some sort of ninja. As dumb as Flim's plan sounded, Flam couldn't let his brother go alone; he might be mauled by that creature, or worse, get arrested with the keys to the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000. Flam scrambled to his feet and joined his brother for an eve of equine entrepreneurship.
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Chapter IV - The Super Seedy Jailbreak Easy 6000
Rainbow Dash carefully observed the two dimly lit figures creep their way across the courtyard by lantern light. She'd seen the two colts before, she swore it, but Dash couldn't place their names; she remembered enough to know they were bad news, but the fact that they managed to slip onto the castle grounds illegally after nightfall wasn't exactly leave a lot of interpretation as to the quality of their character. Whoever they were, they were taking a big risk by infiltrating the castle, especially while Discord was still at large; after all, these were uncertain times and a nighttime stroll through the Princess's fortress wouldn't be welcomed with fanfare.
To Dash's relief, Macho Man had been suspiciously quiet in the neighboring cell for the better half of two hours but even he had seemed to take notice of the intruders making their way across the lawn, if the slight rustling in his cell might be of any indication. Dash pressed her snout to the bars and stared down the two ponies now within speaking distance. As evidenced by their reciprocated stares, it seemed they had also taken notice of their multicolored maned onlooker.
"Say, you there, behind bars, have you seen a creature about yay high and yay wide? We saw a contingent of guards dragging some hapless, deformed creature to this compound and we'd very much like to get a closer look." The ponies donned a toothy and insincere grin that didn't fool Dash, not for a moment.
"Yeah, I've seen him, but what's it to you? You guys aren't supposed to be here..."
One of the ponies, a mustachioed one, stifled a laugh.
"That's rich! A jailbird like yourself means to chastise my brother and I for being in the wrong? We've done nothing wrong; we're simply here to sate our exotic interests. We saw the poor creature being paraded through the street like a common convict and it struck a chord in our heart's harps."
Dash was unmoved. These guys weren't fooling anypony, but she would indulge their curiosity if it might mean that she might be freed. "I know where he is but what do you intend to do with him?"
"Why, spring him, of course. We can't bear to see such a proud animal confined to such a dingy and drab cage; his wild heart beckons for the wild, surely."
"Who are you guys anyhow?I I know your faces but I can't place a name..."
The two ponies removed their hats and stood solemnly.
"I'm Fli-"
The other pony gave him a quick jab in the side with his elbow.
"I'm Slim and he's Slam, no relation to the infamous Flim-Flam brothers."
'Slam's' hoof collided with his snout. "Listen sister, we're Flim and Flam, the notorious apple cider salesmen, as well as animal lovers. We mean to free that beast, but we'll free you too if you'll play along and help us out here. Do we have a deal? I promise to uphold my end of the bargain if you simply tell me where I can find this thing."
"Ok, I'll tell you where he is but there are a couple of things you guys should know about him: he has a name, Macho Man or some crud like that-"
"OOH YEAH!" Randy's gravelly voice resonated throughout the prison at the sound of his name.
"-and he hates ponies. You're going to need some muscle to keep him in check because, frankly, he'd snap you guys in half. Luckily, I'm available for hire!"
Flim and Flam gave each other incredulous looks.
"Ok, we'll hire you on as our 'muscle' but where is the 'Nacho Man'? We should very much like to see that the gentle beast is unharmed-"
"I'm right here BABY, live and in technicolor, ooh yeah! Bust me out of here, pronto!"
"Well, Mrs. We-Didn't-Catch-Your-Name I believe the terms of your release were that you would make 'Nacho Man's' location known to us, but instead he acted on his own accord. We owe you nothing, it seems. As for you, Nacho, we will retrieve you from your binds shortly! My brother and I simply need to discuss how we should go about getting you out of that dingy cell. Ta-ta for now!"
"Hey!" Dash should have seen that the Flim-Flam brothers' betrayal coming from a mile away, but their brazenness shocked even her. If she ever got out of her cell, she'd make a note to track down those guys and give them a kick in the flank. "I can't believe this garbage!" She bucked the wall with her hind legs, landing a stern kick that caused the walls to buckle.
"Watch it little pony! The Macho Man Randy Savage is dodging debris in here, ooh yeah! "
"Heh, I hit it that hard, huh?! I might be the strongest mare in Equestria, probably the strongest living thing period..."
"MIGHT have been, but you're not! You didn't account for the variable of the Macho Man Randy Savage, OOH YEAH! I've slithered with the snakes, soared with the eagles-"
"Yeah, and trotted with the ponies, I get it. Whatever. Enjoy your freedom, Macho Man. I guess you're going to deprived of ever knowing what I can really do when I put my mind to it. I regret that I'll never get a chance to show you up."
The Macho Man remained silent for a while, but then spoke:
"I'm going to make you a primo offer baby, yeah! I don't much like you, but I won't leave you here to rot, ooh no...We'll go as a pair, right?! YEAH! If Slim Jim and Flim-fang want me they'll have to take you too, MY release on MY terms. That's Macho Mercy in action BABY!"
Dash's brow furrowed. Why would the Macho Man care if she was released or not?
"I'll let you out, yeah, and then I'll show you why I'm the greatest intercontinental heavyweight champion who ever lived, and I'm living right now!"
"Ok," Dash rolled her eyes a bit. "Thanks for the offer Macho Man but I don't exactly see how you are anymore dependable than those dinguses..."
"DON'T DOUBT THE SINCERITY OF MACHO MADNESS, OOH YEAH! I'm going to need you to help me find the Princess and return peace to the land, ooh yeah...I'll take my booty, return to the Federation, beat Hulk Hogan and claim the title of Macho King!"
Dash's eyes alit as she remembered the sole reason the Macho Man had been summoned in the first place. He was to defeat Discord like some kind of knight and she was to be his squire...lame. Still, it came as a shock to her that his loyalty still lay in the mission; she'd been too absorbed in her imprisonment to care. It would have almost been admirable if he wasn't a total dingbat.
"Those are some pretty thick walls, Flam. How do you suppose one would get around something like that?" Flim looked back over his shoulders at the prison as he and his brother convened in a particularly shadowy corner of the garden for an impromptu business meeting. The castle's fortifications were certainly much more daunting than the cheery facade would lead one to believe; it was a castle, after all, and its walls were the last line of defense between the incumbent ruler and whatever external forces threatened them.
"I don't suppose digging underneath them might be an option?"
"Nope." Flim shook his head. "I took the liberty of rooting around in the dirt while we were over there; I can guarantee you that wall runs clear underneath the ground. I don't believe I have the resolve to dig through that."
"Maybe through it?"
"How do you suppose we do that, dear brother? I'm not discounting your idea, but to break through that wall would require a significant amount of propulsive force."
Flam pointed a hoof at the key ring that hung about Flim's waistcoat. "We could use the SSCS6000 to push that wall clean down, I reckon. I could jury rig some sort of battering ram to the front-"
"NO! NO! NO!" Flim jumped down his brother's throat. "There is no way in Tartarus that I would consider letting you defile my baby in such a way. Do you know how many restless nights were spent assembling that thing, how many hours were spent fine tuning it?"
"I do! I did most of the heavy lifting, and what do you mean 'restless nights'? I haven't ever known you to stay up any later than midnight... Listen, I'm going to go grab the machine; give me the keys."
Flim plunged a hoof down in his shirt pocket and fished out the key, giving a little sigh of exasperation. "Don't mess it up too bad; I'm quite taken with it, you see?"
"Of course not, brother. If it gets ruined I don't expect you'll be any help in getting it back running. In other words, I'll be extremely cautious."
Flam went on his way to round up the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 which they had hidden outside the city limits; even the car had a certain kind of stigma attached to it, unfortunately. Flim melded into the dark courtyard and waited for his brother to return. It would be first light in only a couple of hours so if they were to have overstayed their welcome it may have proven disastrous. Hopefully Flam could handle pulling the car around, it didn't seem like that tough of a job...
The turning over of an engine made Dash's ears perk up. The Flim-Flam brothers had seemingly pushed their car into the compound under the cover of nightfall. The Royal Guard on duty that night must have been the most incompetent foal to have ever been employed in Celestia's service. Still, they'd have to act fast because the night was fast icing way to the down and soon Celestia herself would be walking the castle grounds.
"Stand back, Macho Man!" Flim was conducting his young brother, who was situated in the driver's seat of the car, to drive the lumbering piece of machinery into the wall. Colliding with the castle's facade, the cattle catcher acted as a sort of spear, forcefully displacing the bricks around it. In a matter of seconds, the imposing wall had given way to a revealing hole. "Jump in Nacho Man, there is no time to waste."
"I'll jump in a soon as you free Rainbow Dash, yeah!"
Flim stared at Macho Man as if he were a loon. "Are you crazy, man? Get in the bucking car! We can't afford to spring anymore convicts, I'm afraid. You're it, come on!" He motioned frantically at the car. "Well?! Be grateful and get the hay in!"
The Macho Man only shook his head. "I'm afraid not pony men, OH YEAH!' He removed his glasses and stared down the brothers. "If we're heading out, nobody is getting left behind. That's just the way its got to be. We're a two-man act, mhmm."
Spears and helmets could be seen protruding over the ramparts as groggy-eyed soldiers scurried to their posts. Flam's eyes became wide as saucers. "Buck it, Flim! I'm going to let the other one out too; I don't want to be stuck here arguing with this whatever-it-is when the guards get here." Flam pressed hard on the accelerator, giving the wheel a sharp turn.
The SSCS6000 poked a cow catcher sized hole in the building, just wide enough for a surprised Rainbow Dash to weasel out of. "Now, I hope there aren't any more damned convicts that need our help because I think I've had about as much prison breaking as I can stand. Get the hay in, both of you!"
Dash bounded for the backseat, her flitting wings propelling her forth. A contingent if guards were quickly gathering on the group and the Macho Man was stilling trying to break his cuffs. The Flim-Flam brothers stared on in distress, laying down on the horn to convey their disapproval.
Dash's eyes were alit like embers. She couldn't believe it; they were this close to escaping and Randy was going to cost them all their freedom.
"YOU CAN'T BREAK THOSE CUFFS!"
The Macho Man's face turned beet red as he pulled his wrists apart desperately, a bead of sweat swelling on his tensed brow. "D-DON'T TELL ME WHAT I C-CAN AND CAN'T DO!" He pulled tighter, the cuffs digging deep into his skin in a fit of resistance. He was surrounded now by Celestia's finest forces, not that it concerned him any. With one last grunt, the Macho Man wrenched his hands apart, his magical restraints exploding into stardust. Randy stood at the epicenter of a massive pulse of stray magical energy, the force of which sent his would be assailants flying back.
"YEAH," He lifted his throbbing bicep in to the air for all to see, "THAT'S ONE TIGHT THING BABY!" The Macho Man twiddled his fingers frantically and giddily made his way for the vehicle; they had a road to hit!
"I...I stand corrected." Dash bowed her head. "That WAS awesome! How the hay did you manage to do that?!" Celestia's magic was supposedly the strongest force in Equestria but the Macho Man had broken her seal.He didn't make if look easy, but it was damned impressive.
"Are you really surprised? Macho Madness is on a roll and it can't be stopped, OH YEAH!"
Celestia looked down on the scene unfolding in her courtyard from the observatory. Two unscrupulous ponies had just mounted the first prison break in nearly three millennia. Normally she would have taken objection to someone, quite literally, busting down her walls at five in the morning, but this was important. She observed with bated breath as a contingency of guardsmen concentrated on the intruders, surrounding the Macho Man. The speed with which her guards had assembled to put down the threat was admirable, but troubling.
Her colts seemed poised to capture the Macho Man and his accomplices. That couldn't happen. Celestia released the spell holding Randy's restraints in place, synching her action carefully with his struggling. The magic energy pooled at his fists and burst forth like an explosion, pushing her guards aside and giving the intruders ample time to escape.
As the intruders peeled out of her courtyard, Celestia turned her gaze to meet the guard captain's.
"Would you have us pursue them, m'lady?"
"No,no! Everything is fine." The Princess sounded unsure. This wasn't how she had intended the Macho Man and Rainbow Dash to escape; it was premature. Those two ponies had forced her hand though. They were not variables in the original plan. "Be vigilant; those two ponies worry me. I can't have Tenacity's mind anywhere other than the mission and I believe they may present a problem. We shall see for now."
The Princess had meant for Rainbow Dash and Macho Man to pool their collective strength to escape from her dungeon, but those colts had interfered. As Celestia considered the events of the night, her mind was filled with consternation. She should have been able to anticipate all of this with the Oculus, but this is not what she had seen revealed to her. This would require further investigation.
Author's Note
Let me say this foremost: I apologize if this chapter seems a bit 'fast paced' or rushed; I wrote it in a sort of frenzy and I'll explain why. Before this chapter, I only had a vague sense of where I wanted to take this story and I was afraid that I had written myself into a corner. This chapter was, basically, my attempt at damage control. I really want to jump into the meat of the story and I was afraid that I might have reached an impasse. I also felt that the Macho Man's limited repertoire of limited banter might be wearing thin by this point, and rest assured, I'll write the character to be less stagnant than he has been. If you have enjoyed the story up to this point, thank you very much for your support and I very much hope you will continue to enjoy the story as it develops. In other news-- I noticed none of you have been donating to my offshore accounts! Do you think I write these mediocre stories for you because I'm seeking to entertain you?! My baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Chapter V - Tylenol: Macho Strength
Chapter V - Tylenol: Macho Strength
For a period of two days, the Macho Man and Rainbow Dash had been traveling with the Flim-Flam brothers without incident, but it was abundantly clear that there was a shared tension among all involved parties; Flim and Flam were sizing up Dash, believing she might be a problem, and Rainbow Dash knew for certain that the brothers were up to no good. As for Randy, the Macho Man refused to trust anyone, his mind addled by onset Macho Madness and his own characteristically paranoid exuberance.
The party had come to settle in a small clearing in the woodlands around Canterlot, only a temporary measure whilst the guard was surely investigating. Rainbow Dash and Macho Man had been tasked by the brothers to gather kindling for a fire while they took care of their own business; at least as far as Dash could tell with the occasional look at the campsite, they didn't appear particularly busy. In fact, most of the time they just 'chewed their gums' or 'chewed the cud'. They had claimed to have 'executive experience', just a fancy way of saying that they weren't going to get their hoofs dirty. Dash was certain that they were snakes in the grass, very lazy snakes, but they hadn't done anything nefarious unless one considers 'sloth' to be a damnable offense.
"Oh yeah," the Macho Man tore a strip of bark from an old, hunched over tree,"this ought to enkindle the flames of Macho Madness!"
Randy was always talking about 'Macho Madness', but Dash hadn't been able to comprehend what the hay it was. "What the buck is Macho Madness anyhow? Is that your tagline or something?" She understood that he was the Macho Man and all, but she didn't go around referring to every little thing as 'Dash Dementia' or something dumb like that.
"You wouldn't be able to comprehend it...yeah...takes a special mind to be able to perceive the call of the Madness. I AM the Macho Man Randy Savage, and my mind IS VERY SPECIAL, OOH YEAH! The brain is the biggest muscle of all-"
Rainbow Dash wasn't a doctor but somehow that didn't sound right...
"-and the Macho Man is particularly well-endowed, yeah..." The Macho Man rubbed his temples in an almost sensual manner; it was a disturbing sight. He gave Dash a stiff thumbs up. "Keep eating your Wheaties, kid. Maybe one day you'll be as macho as me."
Celestia, she hoped not.
"Hey! What do you mean it takes a 'special mind'?! Is that what you've taken to calling your soft head, because you aren't exactly Reinstein either buddy?!"
"SOFT HEAD?! The Macho Man Randy Savage is renowned for his hard head; my psychiatrist always tells me I have the hardest head she's ever seen. She also said I'm OCD: One Cool Dude, YEAH! I wasn't calling you stupid, you just aren't attuned to nature like the Macho Man, because I am a force of Nature, yep, and-"
As Randy droned on about how cool he was, Rainbow Dash hastily grabbed a bundle of sticks, inspired by the Macho Man's ramblings to finish up quickly; she had gathered what they needed to stoke a fire for a week in ten seconds flat. "Alright, I think we can go back now..." Rainbow Dash had lost sight of the Macho Man and he was nowhere to be found. "Uh, Macho Man?...Randy?" She dropped a mouthful of sticks and bounded off into the forest after Randy.
The brush could be a dangerous place. It certainly wasn't the Everfree Forest, but even in a forest this close to the capitol, it wouldn't be far fetched to run into any host of nasty, supernatural creatures; the guards did their part, but sometimes a cockatrice or a satyr slipped managed to avoid their patrols. Randy might become a glorified lawn ornament or fall under some creature's thrall if Rainbow Dash didn't make haste in finding him.
Randy's temples were pounding with a pain so sharp that he could nary focus. Like a compass, his mind had suddenly compelled him to stumble deeper into the forest and, try as he might, he couldn't resist the beckoning of the wilds. He braced his arm against his face, running headlong through branches and skirting around obtrusive stumps as if he had some kind of agenda. He was a Macho Man on a mission, but where the hell was he headed?
In the clearing where they ad set up camp it had been sunny and warm, but as he headed deeper into the forest it became noticeably colder and the skies took a more ominous tone. A haze ascended from the boggy ground and the trees were increasingly clustered. Dark clouds brooded overhead and the singing of birds had been replaced with only the rhythmic clomping of Randy's boots as they met the yielding forest floor.
The Macho Man's steady pace slowed to a crawl as he crept towards a cluster of sizable rocks embedded in a clearing in the marsh. Curled up on top of the rock was an intimidating looking creature, wild-eyed and snaggletoothed with a brown coat and a black mane. He appeared to be sunbathing; he wasn't going to be a bronzed god anytime soon under these cloudy skies. As Randy approached the thing, its eyes shifted in its sockets to meet the Macho Man's gaze. The creatures sulking demeanor seemed to lighten visibly as a wry smile crept across its face. Flicking the air with a forked tongue, the creature spoke:
"Ooooooh, Hello there...Who might you be?" The creature's back arched, and his head raised itself wearily from the stone he was lounging on. As he scanned over the Macho Man, the thing's eyes widened with surprise. "Oh my! I'm starstruck, simply dazzled! YOU must be none other than the Macho Man Randy Savage. I'm a huge fan of your stage presence; you practically froth at the mouth like a mad dog! Very, very nice to meet you."
The Macho Man struck a dynamic pose for the creature; his reputation preceded him, even in a different universe. "Always nice to meet a Macho-maniac, yeah..." He extended his hand to the creature who reciprocated his gesture by gripping his hand with scaly talons.
"What brings you out to this little Podunk of a 'world', or my swamp even? I wouldn't expect a wrestling superstar to have much business plucking about out here in the sticks." The creature stroked its wispy, white goatee as it stared at Randy with its wild gaze, scarcely believing he was the subject of a visit from the greatest intercontinental heavyweight champion to ever live.
"I don't know what brought me here, yeah! I was just gathering some firewood when my legs started moving by their own accord, and well, here I am..." His head was still pounding violently for reasons he could not fathom.
The creature smirked. "That sounds deliciously chaotic," the thing said, "So, you heard the call of nature? I never imagined you as the outdoorsman type, not to leg you as a prima-donna or anything. Well, this is certainly a treat then; it's almost like faith that you are here."
"My head feels like I just got elbow dropped from the top rope..." Randy pressed his hand against his forehead as if it might somehow deaden the pain. Something didn't feel right; it was lie he had overdosed on Macho Madness and was now suffering the consequences of his excess. "I'm just going to rest here for a while..." The Macho Man collapsed onto his butt and propped hisself up against a great rock.
"Of course," the creature flicked its tongue fiendishly, "take all the time in the world. Mi casa es tu casa, Macho Hombre."
Macho Man's eyelids flitted tiredly. It was as if his tremendous headache had drained his body of all its power; all he wanted to do was lay down for a very long time. He closed his eyes and let his seat sink into the deep mud, his form shrinking against the imposing boulder. Tired, he drifted to sleep as the lazy creature splayed out above him resolved to do the same thing.
Rainbow Dash flew low above the trees scanning the thickets for any sign of the Macho Man. The weather had taken an ominous turn, the sun obscured under a blanket of clouds and the ground covered under a thick, rolling fog. It would make locating the Macho Man all the harder. Dash didn't feel any sincere connection to the hairless ape but she didn't want to have to drag the Macho Man's corpse out of the bog; he was probably really heavy for one thing.
As she hovered over the forest, the weather became increasingly inhospitable. Increasingly unnatural. A violent downdraft nearly sent her spiraling towards the forest floor; her face would have been caked in mud by now if she wasn't the most competent flier in Cloudsdale. The wind whipped at her again, forcing her to alight in a hazy
She hovered over to the arrangement and investigated around its base. She didn't find the creature but she did find the big guy slumped against the rock. "Hey! Did you sneak out here so you didn't have to carry your load of the firewood?! I can't believe that you're out her napping, making me look for you and everything!"
The Macho Man slouched forward and removed his shades. His headache had subsided but he could hardly calm his mind as trivial things filled his head. Even to muster the mental clarity to move was difficult. He managed to pull hisself to his knees with a great deal of effort.
Dash rolled her eyes and tossed a foreleg around the Macho Man's neck. "Come on, big guy. I know I interrupted your nap and all but we need to get back to camp. I'll carry your load of sticks back to the fire pit, don't worry about it." The Macho Man looked totally zoned out, but Rainbow Dash reckoned she'd look just as crappy if she feel asleep in the mud. With the support of Dash, the Macho Man took slow, lumbering baby steps towards the direction of the campsite. His sensibilities returned as he furthered hisself from the swamp and he felt his usual self by the time he arrived back in camp. He had no explanation for what the heck had happened to him in the swamp, but he chalked it up to Macho Madness. It's always Macho Madness.
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Chapter VI - Students, Faithful and Otherwise
Hulk Hogan paced about his trailer anxiously. The Macho Man Randy Savage had not been seen for several days, a fact that troubled him greatly. The last time Hogan had spoken one on one with the Macho Man he'd seen a certain glint in his eyes, even through his visor shades. It was a look of lust: lust for his title, lust for his fame, and lust for his belt, but, most of all, it was the penetrating gaze of a champion. Once they had been allies under The Mega Powers and Hogan had imparted his knowledge to the up- and-comer. He'd once considered him a son, but, like King Laius, he was aware of the Macho Man's impending treachery. He would not knowingly foster the son who would slay him and tout his title; he would not raise Oedipus.
Hogan halted his ambling, hearing a forceful knocking on the door of his trailer. He lumbered over to the door and open it, revealing the face of Gene Okerlund. He wasn't going to do any interviews and he wanted to let ol' Geno know that straight up. Hogan didn't have any time for a cutesy-tootsy promo; he would need all his focus devoted to winning his psychological bout with the Macho Man. He could hold his own, but, on a mental level, the Macho Man was unmatched, the metaphysical Sun Tzu with all the flamboyance of Patton.
"Listen brother, I'm not doing any interviews right now, so no questions."
Gene impulsively pulled his microphone to his chest at the mention of 'no questions'. Call him gun-shy but Okerlund really didn't want a repeat of his little interview with the Macho Man; he'd paid out of his own pockets to replace the microphone on the behalf of the World Wrestling Federation. Seeing that Hogan wasn't making any sudden movement to writhe the equipment from his hand, he relaxed his posture a bit.
"Hulk," he said, wrapping the mic's cord about its shaft, "I didn't come to interview you actually; I came to see if you had any idea where the Macho Man has gone off-"
Hulk leaned his massive back against the door frame, tossing up a finger to interject.
"Is that what this is about then? Geno, I'm not Randy's keeper. I'm sorry man, but you'll need somebody else to tell you where your golden boy is. I'm psyching myself up for a match right now." Hogan pointed over to a glass of egg yolks to drive home his point. "I don't know about the 'Macho Man', but I'm prepping for this fight. I know what's at stake here brother."
Gene shook his head. "Sorry, Hulk. I just figured if anyone knew where the Macho Man had gone off to, it would have been you."
"Sorry to disappoint you, Geno, but when you do find him tell him this: I've been training. He might can talk the talk, but can he walk the walk? If Randy wants to dethrone me, he'll have to remember that even though battles are mediated by the mind, the muscle is the arbitrator brother. That's just a little piece of advice to the chip from the old block..."
Not waiting for Okerlund's rebuttal, Hogan turned on his heel and shut the door. The Hulk wasn't about to write off the Macho Man; he was out there, somewhere, honing his skills for the fight of his career. He had everything to gain, and Hogan had everything to lose. He made his way over to the small kitchen, returning with a pitcher and a carton of eggs.
"Well, time to get jacked, brother."
Celestia, flanked by a procession of her total guard, briskly made her way towards her own personal section of the library housed in the sprawling western wing of the palace. What had been an otherwise uneventful trip to gather reference materials concerning the Oculus had become a heap more foreboding with the appearance of a swarm of dark grey nimbuses which had settled over Canterlot. As Princess, she had not requested that the pegasi organize a downpour over Cantlerlot; this was the work of an outside force.
"Shining Armour," she said, snapping back from the troubling thoughts which had preoccupied her weary mind,"scramble a pegasi unit to dispel the clouds overhead. I'm not accustomed to seeing my city besieged by such ominous heralds."
"Yes, m'lady." The Guard Captain departed from her company.
Celestia had a feeling that there would be no ridding of Canterlot of these dark clouds, but failure should serve only to affirm her suspicion that supernatural and mystical forces were at play. She suspected Discord naturally, he was at large after all, but the source of the Oculus' inaccurate visions was a mystery to even her. She hurriedly trotted towards the large,ornate double doors which constituted the entrance to her private sanctum, the guards at attention holding the door open for their beloved sovereign. With a nod of her head, the same doors were sealed behind her as she made her way down a torchlit hallway.
The ever dutiful but aging librarian looked up from her tomes and treatises to acknowledge the Princess. The old, white-maned mare had faithfully guarded the empires most sensitive documents for over fifty years and showed every day of it. It was a saddening thought, but she was getting a little too long in the tooth and would need to be replaced in due time. It would have been a cinch job for Celestia's most faithful student, guarding musty scrolls and books, or it would have been, had she not been destined for greater things.
"Good afternoon, Princess. What can I help you to find today?"
"Hello!" The Princess put on her gentlest face to address the old pony. "I need to see Starswirled's work concerning a certain magical artifact called only the Oculus."
The old mare pushed a pair of reading glasses onto the bridge of her snout and scoured over an ancient catalog of the inventory of the library, its bindings frayed in its extreme age. The mare found the scrolls easily, a fact accountable to the impeccable organization of the sanctum. Thank you Hoofy Decimal System.
"Follow me please, Princess." The mare lead her deep into the library to its oldest foundations, which had been constructed long before the unification of the three equine tribes. Standing before an old cherry bookcase filled with Starswirled's studies, the old mare gave a courteous but feeble bow before departing from Celestia's service. She studied the spines of the dusty, old books for a short while before her eyes were drawn to a grimoire entitled 'An Ocular Foray: Soothneighing for the Ancient Age'. Her lips curled into a smile as she levitated the book towards her.
Celestia's eyes darted quickly across the page, turning one page, then another. The self satisfied smile was soon deformed into a frown. The 'words' written on the page were not words at all, but crude scribblings depicting nothing of importance. One legible note was scrawled into periphery of every page: Did you really think it would be so easy? The notes had very obviously been tampered with, and she had enough foresight to tell her that Discord was the most likely culprit, that or a particularly irked enemy of all things eye-like.
It seemed that Celestia would have to do some homework of her own, no easy task considering the author of these particular studies. Starswirled the Bearded was the most gifted pony of his age, a real renaissance-equine. Luckily, the current age had also been gifted with some particularly exceptional stars, one that sparkled brighter than even Starswirled himself. Putting quill to parchment, the Princess addressed a letter:
My faithful student...
Chapter VII - Schemes and Dreams
The spirit of disharmony slunk through the mire, his curiosity sated. The Macho Man's mind had proved a veritable gold mine of delicious madness, a motherload which had even taken aback even the self proclaimed deity of chaos. Still, he suspected Celestia's newest stooge's bark was much more intimidating than his actual bite. His next move would render the Macho Man's presence moot anyhow. Flicking his tongue like a serpent, the chimera tasted the air for any sign of pursuit by that troublesome Element of Loyalty before entering an old grotto.
The place had been the rectory of a rogue wizard, the headmaster of a controversial arcane university, hidden away from the prying eyes of Canterlot by fog and forest. Discord had intimate knowledge of the place; it possessed all the amenities of Equestria's top magical institutes, though on a minute scale. Somewhere between a thick coat of dust, gathered from centuries of disuse, and hisself lay the key to combatting the troublesome Elements of Harmony. Smearing the smut from equipment and manuscripts which lined his working space, he soon got to the nitty gritty. Putting his nose to the whetstone, he resumed his work right from where he had left off so many centuries ago, before he had been rudely interrupted by two troublesome princesses.
Even after centuries of subjection to madness, somewhere deep in his head lay the mind of a Renaissance-pony. Though to anyone else he would seem the poster child of mischief, he took his studies quite seriously; it had always been that way. He'd been accused many a time of squandering his talents by using them in the pursuit of disharmonious and chaotic means, rather than the common good, but this was of no concern to him. In a way, Discord wanted to start trouble. It was his way of garnering knowledge; he provided the stimuli in the form of healthy doses of insanity and evaluated the results of his labors.
When he'd last had the opportunity to quietly ponder on his findings, he had been experimenting with the possibility of counteracting the Elements of Harmony, a purely scholastic pursuit which had now become the focus of his studies. By his reckoning, the only deterrent to the power harnessed through the congregation of the Elements of Harmony would come in the form of a fellowship of lifeforms devoted to all things disharmonious in nature, 'Elements of Disharmony' as it were. When he'd peeked into the mind of the Macho Man, he'd seen plenty of creatures that would have fit the bill nicely. All he would need to do was to summon them into Equestria and enthrall them, which was exactly what he planned on doing.
Discord grabbed a book from a lectern called 'The Joys of Cross-Cosmic Conjuration ', his unfinished magnum opus which would have made him the envy of his contemporaries had he simply been allowed to finish the infernal thing. It was to be the follow up to a certain book he'd written on the magical properties of a device called the Oculus, a device which allowed the user to see across vast expanses of the cosmos. Discord had discovered the existence of the Oculus's sister device, the Conduit, which allowed the user to manipulate what it was they saw upon gazing into the Oculus. It was
Must had long settled on the surface of the oaken box that he had stored there so long ago, its growth encouraged by the dankness of the cave. Still, the precious cargo inside was sure to be safe. Breaking the lock with the vise-like grip of his talons, Discord withdrew the Conduit from the box and placed it gingerly upon the floor. It was an unspectacular sight to behold; to the ignorant it would have appeared to be little more than a crude rod with an unoccupied socket at its apex. It was wand-like, but to call it one would be incorrect; in function, the Conduit was far more akin to a dowsing rod.
Without the Oculus, using the Conduit would be like fumbling around in the dark; he couldn't be certain of what he might summon forth. There was something delightfully chaotic in the prospect of conjuring something without knowing what he might get, kind of like a cosmic goody-bag, but it was a temptation that he would have to endure. He would need the Oculus before he could make any real progress in his work. He had found suitable candidates whilst perusing Randy's mind, and he had the means to receive them, but he wasn't willing to take a shot in the dark. A job of this gravity called for professionalism. Celestia had the Oculus locked away somewhere deep within the confines of her palace but even then it wouldn't be safe from a particularly determined adversary, the Flim-Flam brothers had proven that after all. It's retrieval was simply a matter of finding a susceptible pawn, preferably one with access to the Castle, and Discord, ever the schemer, already had somepony in mind.
Flam consulted the unfurled map spread across the dashboard while his brother expanded on his hastily spawned plan. He had meant to spirit away the hulking Macho Man under the cover of nightfall, but Rainbow Dash's presence had rendered his plans null. The sequin-studded, tassel-sporting Macho Man seemed an easy enough mark but Dash, while not exactly savvy to their plans, seemed privy to the fact that they were something other than good Samaritans. Dash would need to be removed if they were to proceed with their plan to market Randy as the very first Equestrian Wrestling Federation wrestler. They'd sent the Macho Man and Rainbow Dash into the forest to gather firewood under the pretense that they would be camping in the clearing overnight; they wouldn't if everything went according to plan.
"So what exactly do you propose?" Flam looked askance at his brother who was in a very spirited mood.
"I propose that we eliminate Rainbow Dash. Shall I demonstrate?" Flim motioned for a pristine red apple, a remnant of their harebrained foray into the world of cider sales. Flam obliged, tossing him the apple. "This apple shall represent the 'Nacho Man' and Rainbow Dash collectively; watch closely dear brother." Flim revealed a small, sharp
"O Celestia!" Flam looked aghast at his brother, shielding hisself with the flimsy map. "Have you gone mad?! How quickly money has corrupted you dear brother! You would eliminate Rainbow Dash?!"
"Yes, why is that such a shock to you, Flam? What did you think, that'd we'd discuss her departure over a candlelit dinner? Sometimes you have to get your hooves dirty in the pursuit of a bit, brother; it is the way of the world..."
"Yes,yes. I know. Neither of us are saints, by any stretch of the word, but this is excessive. It's sick. When did murder become a viable option?!" Flam could scarcely believe what his brother was proposing; he knew his one true love was money, and to Tartarus with everything else, but he hadn't expected his brother to ever sell his soul for the sake of a deal.
"Murder? Flim, hold on. I think you've misunderstood my little metaphor. All though, now that you mention it...it would solve our little predicament." A grim smile slowly etched itself across his muzzle.
"Don't be so macabre!" Flam commanded, whacking Flim across the head with the rolled up map. "Now, what in Celestia's name were you getting to?"
"Divide and conquer. We simply pit the Nacho Man against Rainbow Dash, then we appeal to his sensibilities; he is the more malleable of the two. If he should choose to join us then Rainbow Dash shan't be able to find any objection with our offloading of her. She must know that the beast will have the ultimate say in its fate here in Equestria. We create a compelling argument for his cooperation and we're in like Flynn." Flim settled back in his seat. "Well, what do you think?"
"Sounds impractical."
"Damn, Flam. Tell me how you really feel, why don't you? So willing to shoot down my scheme, now if only you showed the same willingness to contribute!" Flim folded his forelegs and pouted like a big baby. He was so very susceptible to criticism, a fact Flam had learned well throughout the years.
"Flim," his brother said, mussing the perturbed pony's hair playfully, "you look like a big pouting peppermint. Not every situation calls for a harebrained scheme. I've heard that honesty is the best policy; perhaps you should just be strait forward in your approach. Maybe both the Nacho Man and Rainbow Dash would be open to the idea of being 'wrestlers' or whatever the hay you intend to call them."
Flim gave his brother a skeptical look. "Do you think if we were honest about our cider tasting like a dragon's hind end we would have sold more tankards of cider? Forgive me if I say you sound like you're full of it..."
Flam sparked up a pipe, and raised it to his lips. Sometimes his older brother seemed like a basket case, too ingrained in his own schemes to see the broad spectrum of things. His answer to every issue was subterfuge. Flam toked for a while on the tobacco, drawing its essence in. At last he spoke:
"The way I see it, the Nacho Man, and Rainbow Dash for that matter, are indebted to us for busting them from their confines. The least they could do is consider our offer. And besides, this is a historic moment. If wrestling is anything like what you've described to me, who wouldn't want to be involved in the birth of something this momentous?" Flam puffed a ring of smoke from his flared nostrils. "I have my doubts, of course, but that shouldn't keep you from following your instincts. I'll support you whatever the case may be, I always do, but you asked my opinion and I gave it."
Flim sputtered his lips a bit, still obviously frustrated. "So...you think we'd be better served to simply approach them directly, no antics?"
Flam simply nodded his head, looking straight on through the windshield.
"I like it. A lot, actually. It's genius lies in its unconventionality."
It wasn't exactly the angle Flam was going for with his little speech but, what the hay, he'd take it. You can't keep a good pony down, especially a pony that was as irrational as his older brother.
"You can't leave the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE stranded in the forest, you knaves! Get back this instant, Trixie demands satisfaction for these transgressions!"
It was hopeless. Trixie Lulamoon should have saved her breath; there was no reasoning with a diamond dog. She'd been ambushed along a quiet stretch of road by the unscrupulous bunch of thugs who were Tartarus-bent on making away with the exquisite sapphire which had served as a brooch for her star-studded shawl. She was a unicorn, but cheap parlor-tricks weren't going to help her get her sapphire back. Frustrated, Trixie shot a benign blast of energy from her sparking horn in the direction of long-gone diamond dogs.
Trixie had given chase to her assailants but it had only served to get her lost. She'd wandered far into the woods and couldn't find her way back out. She wasn't worried though; it wasn't the seemingly endless expanses of the Everfree Forest that she'd been lost in, just a thicket on the outskirts of Canterlot. She was sure that if she continued in any given direction she would soon find herself safely outside of the forest.
"TRIXIE is going north," she announced to no pony in particular. She flipped her hair and stomped onwards like a mare on a mission even though she didn't have the slightest clue where she was going. Trixie didn't trust maps, they were almost as treacherous as wheels. Even if she did manage to get lost, someone would come searching for her, right? She was GREAT and POWERFUL. That had to mean something.
In time, Trixie found herself standing before a dank little cave. She was hoof deep in bog water and the cove seemed a decent place to weather the ever brewing storm overhead. Kicking it cave-style wasn't beneath to GREAT and HUMBLE Trixie, so hopefully its potential occupants, whoever that might be, wouldn't mind either.
"HELLO!?" The earthen walls quivered in the wake of Trixie's bellowing voice. "Is anypony home? TRIXIE is blessing you with her company!" Trixie's shouting was answered only by silence. "Trixie will consider your silence as acceptance!"
She wiped her grimy, mud covered hooves vigorously against the rough stone floor. Satisfied with the cleanliness of her hooves, Trixie ventured further into the grotto, her curiosity getting the best of her. The whole of the place was shrouded in tenebrous, but as she continued forth Trixie caught a glint of illumination which heartened her. She could also hear the idle ravings of a madpony, though she could not discern the words. She only hoped that she had not wandered into a dragon's trove in her haste to get out of the elements.
"Hello?" Trixie made herself a bit less animated than usual, not wishing to arouse the aggression of whomever was whispering up ahead.
"Why, hello there..." A snaggletoothed creature peered out into the darkness of the cave; Trixie could scarcely see but the creature's eyes must have been accustomed to the gloom for it was looking right at her. "Who might you be?"
"I'm the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE! I'm going to stay in this cave until this DREADFUL weather passes over." Trixie flipped her hair and stared directly into the face of the strange looking creature. She was secretly terrified, but she wouldn't let it show through her stone-faced demeanor.
"Great, another flamboyant personality. Well, whatever. Just keep it down, I'm trying to work in here in case you have not noticed." The creature flicked a forked tongue at the air and regressed back around the corner, and out of Trixie's vision. "Make yourself at home, just don't interfere with my work."
"Who do you think you are talking to, you peon?! TRIXIE visited you unannounced, out of the kindness of her heart, and you can't even muster a proper welcome?" She rapped a disapproving hoof against the hard floor. "The least you could do is put down your work for a moment to properly ADDRESS your guest!"
Discord resurfaced with his paw clasped over his mouth, taken aback by the little horse's outburst. "Wait?! Did I hear correctly? You're the great and powerful Trixie?!" Discord feigned a panic attack, clutching his chest and wheezing loudly. "I can't believe it! I can't believe that its really you! I-I've..." Discord's lips curled into a smile. "...never heard of you!"
Trixie's eyes narrowed. "Then you haven't been properly EDUCATED, obviously! Trixie is the greatest magician to ever exist!"
"Oh, is that right? What about Starswirled the Bearded? Surely he is the greatest magician of all time..." Discord rubbed his talons together idly, unimpressed by the blue pony's boasting.
Trixie cocked her head sideways, perturbed. "WHO the HAY is THAT?! Don't even mention Trixie in the same breath as a wizard that no pony has ever even heard of!"
"You don't read much do you, darling? That, or you never payed any attention in school."
"Don't try to embarrass the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!" She gritted her teeth and stared down the unfazed creature. "You m-might not know me now, but I-I guarantee you'll know me o-one day!"
"Doubtful, considering you can't even read. Why, even that dunce Twilight Sparkle can read a book." Discord leaned against the cave wall and surveyed his nails. "Yes, I've never heard of you, and I don't expect I ever will."
"WATCH THIS and BE AMAZED!" Trixie swung her head over her shoulder, as to obscure it from his view, and swung it back with a mouthful of wildflowers . "TA-DA," she managed through her teeth.
Discord only stared at her awkwardly for a moment. "That cheap parlor trick? That was your tour de force?!" He reeled his head back, cackling like a mad beast. "That's not real magic! You're a unicorn who can't even manage a legitimate trick! Twilight Sparkle really is better than you!"
"S-shut up," Trixie demanded, her face flushed with embarrassment, "you think you can do better?! Lets see it!"
Discord snapped his fingers and her legs became as limp as noodles. She fell to the floor with an audible thump. He then levitated her to the mouth of the cave and hurled her out into the bog, where she was enveloped quickly by the mud. Still laughing, Discord threw her flowers into the marsh beside her.
"Take your damned flowers too!"
"F-fine," she choked forth, "I-I'll show you! I'll show all the NEIGHSAYERS, that I, Trixie, am the GREATEST and MOST P-"
A thunderous crack of lightning overhead interjected on Trixie's boast. Her lip began to quiver as droplets of rain started to patter against her mane, coming slowly at first then faster and harder. Tears welling in the corner of her eyes, she caked her face in the mud. It was raining and no pony was around, but she couldn't bear the thought of someone seeing her tears
Author's Note
Sorry for the delay if you were one of the people waiting for an update. I try to update as often as I can, but I found myself in a slump all this week and didn't really feel like doing anything. Anyways, after a few days hiatus, here it is. I hope that you're enjoying the story as much as I enjoy your feedback. Don't cross your fingers or anything, but I expect that I'll continue my previous efforts of trying to update at least every other day. Thanks for sticking it out this far! I honestly expected this story to be not very well received but I'm astounded every time I look at my like/dislike ratio. I'm writing for a niche audience here, but I'm glad that those of you who have been reading have enjoyed it enough to let me know. Thank you again!
OOOOOOOOOOOOHYEAH
SlimJim
Chapter VIII - Pomp and Circumstance
"Twilight!"
Consternated, Twilight Sparkle muscles jerked at the call of her name, her head involuntarily springing up from the pile of loose papers from which she'd made her pillow. She'd been in the middle of preparing a speech on macroeconomics to be delivered at town hall later that day when her weariness had gotten the better of her; Twilight had nodded off, drooling all over her lengthy composition. Now aware, she scanned the room thoroughly for the source of the interruption, hastily wiping away a string of dribble that hung from the corner of her mouth.
"Hm?" Twilight hummed. "Is that you Spike?"
"Twilight," the little dragon repeated, poking his head in through the doorway. "Did you fall asleep at your lectern? What ever happened to being stalwart and studious?"
"I guess I did..." Twilight's cheeks burned a soft pink. "Did you need me?"
"No, not really, but I did get this letter for you addressed from the Princess." Spike waddled over to her and extended an epistle sealed with Celestia's now familiar signet. "It must be pretty important too; it seems like Celestia's had her hooves full trying to contain Discord recently. I don't expect that she has much time to write letters."
"Thank you, Spike," Twilight said with a yawn, levitating the little note in the air before her. "I haven't received any kind of response from the princess in weeks; I was beginning to think she was peeved with us for failing to round up Discord..."
"Heh! I don't think you could do anything to fall out of Celestia's graces; she adores you, Mrs. Faithful Student. This whole Discord mixup is mainly on her anyhow. There's no fixin' that guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go whip up some breakfast."
"You're excused," Twilight said, hardly listening to Spike as she unfurled the note. "Thank you for bringing this to me so promptly. Usually you forget to give me these things unless I'm there nagging you."
Spike paused in the door way, wringing his claws idly. "Actually," he began, "I received this letter a couple of days ago, but I lost it. Sorry!" Spike scurried towards the doorway as fast as he could, not giving Twilight time enough to rebuke him.
Twilight sighed and got to work reading Celestia's lengthy letter, not wanting to waste any time. She was already embarrassed that the Princess had been awaiting a reply for two days and she certainly didn't want to keep somepony so influential waiting any longer than she had to.
My faithful student,
As you are aware, I made a grave misjudgment in entrusting Discord to Kindness. I say this not as a way of belittling her efforts, but rather in self-deprecation: it was foolish of me to believe that a millennia of madness might be reversed in an afternoon. Of course, I shift no blame to you or your friends; this was an oversight on my part, one I do believe we can rectify, if you shall be so understanding as to resume your tutelage under me. That said, I'm not blind to the apprehension of my little ponies. Surely you have seen the dark clouds brooding over the kingdom, and have heard the whispering of certain pessimistic ponies who have taken to the streets to decry my rule. Twilight, you have always been a loyal subject, a promising protégée, and a true friend in all your endeavors...
Twilight skimmed ahead a bit, for it was quite a lengthy letter.
... I have in my possession an artifact of untold power, a tool of the soothneighers of yesteryears. Discord has made his move, destroying information essential to the proper operation of this device, but if anypony should prove capable of restoring the records of Starswirl the Bearded in regards to the subject, then I cannot envision that honor belonging to anyone but yourself. If you should prove so kind as to indulge me, I request your presence in Cantlerlot for an impromptu study session with myself.
Awaiting your safe arrival, Celestia
Twilight was taken aback by what she read. Celestia had never had to convince Twilight of a cause, but now she seemed to be almost begging for her assistance. Things had been relatively quiet in Ponyville since Discord had crept his way into the wilds, but it seemed he hadn't failed to make an impression on the Princess. Still, despite the high stakes, there was some pleasure to be derived from this turn of events. Celestia wanted to hold a study session with Twilight. A STUDY SESSION! And on the subject of Starswirl the Bearded no less. It was almost like a dream come true, albeit spurred by threatening and unfortunate circumstances.
"Spike! SPIKE!"
The purple hued dragon slunk back into the room, his head hung as if he were preparing himself for a lambasting. "I'm sorry, Twilight. I really am. I totally forgot about the letter-"
"Spike," Twilight said, throwing a shawl and her saddlebag over her shoulder, "Please give my apologies to Mayor Mare. I won't be able to deliver my speech at town hall today after all."
"Huh? Sure, but why? Where are you going?"
"Canterlot. Princess Celestia needs my help in deciphering Starswirl's research in regards to an enchanted artifact." Twilight grabbed a few quills, some ink, and parchment for the road. "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't excited. A little anxious too."
"Yeah, whatever. Sounds boring. Do you need me to come with you?"
"No." Twilight shook her head and levitated a furled letter to the little dragon. "Here. Take this wont you?"
Spike unfolded the letter, his mouth agape as hundreds of meters of paper piled at his feet.
"What the hay is all this? Don't tell me its a..."
"To-Do list? It certainly is! I don't know how long I'm going to be gone, so in anticipation of such an occasion, I took the liberty of planning out a months worth of errands that I need you to run for me in my absence."
"But, Twi-Twilight..." Tears began to well in Spike's eyes, his nose running thick with snot. "There are so m-many!"
"Nopony likes a whiner, Spike."
Twilight leaned in and gave the little dragon a peck on the cheek, embracing him in a hug.
"I'll see you when I return. Bye, Spike."
Spike's head hung as he made his way back into the kitchen, Twilight's To-Do list in tow. Twilight, bags fully packed, proceeded out the door and down the street. Onward to Canterlot!
"So," Flim concluded, "that's why my brother and I took the risk of springing you and, more specifically, you." He turned his attention to the Macho Man's bulking frame which lay supine before him in the cool and dewy grass. "What do you say? Will you do it Nacho Man?"
Rainbow Dash could only roll her eyes; she knew the Flim-Flam brothers possessed ulterior motives all along, but she'd never expected the couple of conniving conmen to be so brazen, so forthcoming, in their request. It was a dirty deal for sure but, on some level, she admired the guts it must have taken to muster up the will to be anything other than their usual deceitful selves.
"So let me get this straight," Rainbow Dash started, "you want Randy to be your meal ticket?" She was to take the role of interrogation; Randy was too absorbed in looking up at the night sky, spouting off nonsense. "If you're so hay-bent on this 'wrestling' thing then why don't you two do it?"
"Look at us, sister!" Flam made a point of he and his brother's bony frames. "If we were to step into the ring with, let's say, a griffon, we'd be almost certainly torn apart." He took a little drag from his pipe and let his eyes drift towards the Macho Man. "But him...my money says that he could take on a griffon. No problem."
"Heh." Rainbow Dash had known several griffons from her time in flight school in Cloudsdale, had even been friends with one, and seriously doubted that a mostly bare- haired monkey would be able to hold its own against griffon in its prime. "Yeah, well, I'd pay to see that..."
"See. You just said you'd pay to see that." Flim reclined a bit against the log he was seated against. "And I bet you aren't the only one. This is a lucrative proceeding for us, the Nacho Man, maybe even you if you play your cards right."
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at Flim's statement.
"You're going to have to do better than that; unlike you guys, I'm not looking to line my pockets. I won't just let you throw him into a pit to face off against Celestia knows what..."
"That's the beautiful thing about this scenario, Mrs. Dash: we don't need your consent to put him in the ring, and it is a ring by the way, not a pit. Nacho Man is a big boy; he can make an educated decision without your input. He's probably your senior, after all. What do you say, Nacho?"
"You know his name isn't Nacho, right?" Dash was flustered by the idiocy of these two snakes in the grass. "He's the 'Macho Man'. That's 'macho', with an M. If you're going to use him the least you two could do is get his darned name right!"
"Macho," Flim persisted. "You'd be a star."
The Macho Man's ear perked. Rolling over to face the three ponies, the Macho Man sat up and pointed at the night sky, his finger standing like an obelisk to his supreme machoness.
"A star? Yeah...Take a look at the night sky. Millions of stars shining in the heavens...Beautiful, radiant stars. They all shine brightly, ooh yeah, BUT NONE SHINE AS BRIGHTLY AS THE MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE AND I'M DOWN HEREEEE, YEAH!"
"So does that mean you'll do it?"
"Do it? I live to destroy two-bit punks in the square circle, yep! I can't sing and I can't dance, but I can make romance, yeah..."
"Glad to have you on b-"
"AND LIKE ONE OF THOSE STARS YOU SEEM TO FANCY SO MUCH, IM GOING SUPERNOVA! You can't stop this Macho Madness, OH NOPE! Yeah! The beat goes on, and the beat goes on..."
"-my brother and I can have your first fight ready within the week..."
"AND THE BEAT GOES ON!"
Consumed by Macho Madness, Randy took to his feet and ran blindly into the woods in search of a fight. Before even the fleet Rainbow Dash could scramble into the air, the Macho Man was long gone into the steamy summer night, his gold sequin- studded suit shining in the pale moonlight like a tacky beacon.
"Well," Flam said, finally speaking."We better chase him down. We ave too much invested in this guy to let him slip away now."
The Flim-Flam brothers leapt to their feet and pursued the Macho Man into the forest. Rainbow Dash considered keeping cozy by the campfire but thought better of it. Those three guys couldn't be counted to return in one piece without a dash of Dash. She took flight, leaving the campfire to smolder away in the shadows cast by the evening sun.
The Macho Man stopped to catch his breath. He was winded from his long run. Last time he'd run into the forest, he'd been driven by an external force but now his own adrenaline was piloting him. It been a good few days since he'd elbow dropped anything and he needed his fix. His senses heightened in his hysteria, Randy's eyes shone through the darkness like those of a prowling and primal predator. He couldn't see his prey, but he knew he was not alone.
"Fee-fi-fo-fum! The Macho Man is going to KO someone, yeah!"
Trixie burrowed her head in the mud. The growls of some unknown creature had left her feeling not so great and fairly powerless. She could have sworn she'd heard the guttural utterances of such a beast before in her years, but was unable to place it now. Her legs were still hexed and she remained encased in her muddy tomb with no means of escape. Unwilling to accept her fate, Trixie yelped in protest:
"UGH! NO! NO! NO! This is not the legacy of the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!" She desperately tried to move her legs, but they wouldn't budge. "Trixie will not accept defeat. Maybe Twilight Sparkle would, but I won't!"
The sounds of the animal's stomping seemed to grow nearer and its cries more vicious. She'd have to get out of there fast if she didn't want to find herself in the literal belly of the beast. Trixie wished she could disappear but unfortunately her magic was limited to cheap parlor tricks and gags.
Out of the darkness crept a towering monster of a beast: a purple-hued, saber- toothed giant of a bear with piercing yellow eyes and a star studded coat. If Trixie was correct, and why wouldn't she be, this was none other than an Ursa Major. It definitely wasn't an Ursa Minor; she had been throughly educated in regards to the lesser variety in a recent romp in Ponyville. This time there wasn't a Twilight Sparkle to save here either.
The Ursa Major huffed its hot, stinking breath through the glade. It's colossal nostrils were like wind tunnels; Trixie's hair was windswept simply from the monster's labored breathing. It patted its enormous paws in mud, bending back even stout and sturdy trees with their sheer force. Trixie confessed a shiver at the sight of the monstrosity, desperately hoping that the creature would prove blind in the settling darkness. However, it seemed Trixie had forgotten to apply her deodorant because her GREAT and POWERFUL odor had seemingly aroused the Ursa's interest.
The animal's protruding teeth were now pulled back in a snarl as it caught whiff of a mud caked Trixie. It couldn't see her but it would only be a matter of time before he found her or she was trampled underfoot. The only thing she could think to do was try and mask her scent. Panicked, Trixie vigorously rubbed her body in the dirt. It proved useless; for some reason it seemed she was particularly musky. Almost like a colt...
"YEAH!"
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Chapter IX - Macho Trouble in Little Equestria
"YEAH!"
The meeting of the Macho Man's fist and the Ursa's forehead produced a thunderous clap. Randy had practically pounced upon the monster with all the ferocity of a rabid dog and the flamboyance of a peacock. Dazed, the beast swatted at the Macho Man, who was now assaulting the bear's head with his unstoppable fists of fury, giving a whole new meaning to 'browbeating.'
The bear's massive paw collided with the Macho Man, sending him into a spiraling crash course trajectory for the ground. However, the ever nimble wrestler quickly corrected his fall, landing with the sure-footedness of a ballerina. Removing his sunglasses, the Macho Man stared down the subject of his imminent onslaught.
"Ooh yeah," Randy said, sucking the surrounding swampland's noxious fumes into his nostrils. "My muscles were aching...yeah....ACHING FOR A WORTHY OPPONENT! And I found one, yep. Big bear, big bear...doesn't matter whether you're a grizzly bear, black bear, panda bear. It wouldn't matter if you were a kodiak because you're dealing with a macho maniac! YEAH! When I'm done with ya, you'll be a polar bear because, while I'm riding to the top, you'll be sinking to the bottom, mh-"
Like clockwork, the staggered animal swung at the Macho Man again, scoring a critical hit. Riding the blow, Randy found his back against a crag with a clawed paw pressing relentlessly against his chest, as if to grind him into a fine, macho dust. With his back quite literally against the wall, the Macho Man proved too stubborn to admit defeat; he pounded his balled fist against the padding of the animal's foot. It felt like he was trying to beat the stuffing out of a leather couch. Unimpressed, the monster squeezed down harder in an attempt to silence the sassy Savage.
"Damn!" The Macho Man continued to punch the beast to little effect. He didn't understand; his fists had never let him down before. "I GOT YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU, PUNK! YEAH!"
Trixie could hardly bear to look; she'd expected the ape to put up a better fight than that. He had practically reeked of confidence at the outset of the fight, but now that he was in the monster's vise, he only smelled of bombast. Still, every moment the bear spent crushing the loud mouthed lunatic was one that wasn't spent crushing her. Trixie slogged through the sludge, attempting to free herself from her muddy encasing. After a great deal of effort she was able throw her forelegs onto the banks of the bog. After a trying, but brief, struggle, she freed herself.
Looking back as she scrambled for the trees, Trixie could see the foolhardy creature desperately trying to escape its own demise. She considered abandoning the thing to its fate, but found that she wasn't able to. She had no sympathy for anypony dumb enough to look for a brawl with an Ursa Major, yet she couldn't shake the fact that if it weren't for
"Take this!" Trixie lobbed an orb of concentrated magical energy at the Ursa's hind. "Have this as well!"
Assaulted by Trixie's volley, the bear soon lost interest in the Macho Man, turning its attention to the cerulean-hued pony. Trixie skirted headlong through the brambles, not hanging around to see if the Ursa Major had taken her bait. In hot pursuit, the bear trampled the trees in its path as if they were nothing at all.
Spying a clearing in the distance, Trixie ran towards the soft light of a campfire in need of a stoking. Night was enveloping the woods in force now and the fire, however dim, was like a beacon in the dark. She could hardly see her own hooves in front of her face and, if she wasn't careful, she might run head first into some-
Oof!
"Watch where you're going knave! Can't you see that TRIXIE is running for her life?"
Rainbow Dash nursed her head with her hooves, gritting her teeth at the obnoxious mare. She immediately noticed the voice as belonging to none other than the narcissistic Trixie Lulamoon; one doesn't forget an ego that big. Trixie was pompous, and not even in an endearing way. Add in her disgusting blue coat, and you had the antithesis of Rainbow Dash.
"You watch it!" Picking herself up, Rainbow Dash unfurled her wings in a standoffish manner. "What's the big idea, running through the forest, knocking ponies over?"
"Forget it, foal! Apologize and then run along; Trixie is far too busy to bicker with an imbecile such as yourself."
"Imbecile?" Rainbow Dash scraped a hoof in the dirt, like a bull preparing to charge. "You know, if I weren't so busy I wouldn't hesitate to put you in your place..."
"Likewise!" Trixie flipped her hair and plodded past Rainbow Dash. "Luckily for you, Trixie is in the process of a tactical retreat. I'd suggest you run too, whatever your peon name is."
"Heh. Like I'd run from anything. You gotta be kiddin' me."
Both mares were alerted at the sound of the very trees being rent by a terrible force. The cracking of wood accompanied with the growling of an unseen Ursa Major made for an eerie scene. Rainbow Dash careened her head to and fro in search of the creature which had produced such a terrible ruckus.
"What the hay was that?"
"That?" Trixie scoffed. "Know you nothing? That was an Ursa Major: the most fearful creature one could ever lay eyes on. A hundred feet tall, a row of canines larger than a pony..."
"Yeah, smarty pants; I know what an Ursa Major is. If that's the case, why run? I remember a certain pony bragging that they could put down an Ursa no problem."
"Ha! Foal," Trixie said, feigning laughter at Rainbow Dash. "You honestly are going to play that card? You're a bigger imbecile than I thought. Nopony, and I mean nopony, can hold their ground against an Ursa, even the GREAT and POWERFUL TRIXIE!"
"Twilight did."
"Twilight Sparkle?" Trixie was practically barking now. "Don't you dare even mention that mare's name in my vicinity unless you want me to hex you!"
The Ursa's footfalls shook the earth, knocking up dust and causing the ancient trees to groan as if they were in agony. Ambling forth like some kind of mechanized monstrosity, the creature loomed high above the trees. It pawed at the ground vigorously, nose leveled to the dirt as it rooted for lost prey.
"Put a lid on it!" Rainbow Dash clasped her hoof over the mare's mouth.
Trixie batted at Dash's hoof, prying it way from her lips. "Don't try to stifle the GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!"
"Hush," Rainbow Dash commanded sternly. "That thing is right above us. All your shouting is going to lure him our way. The proper thing to do is remain quiet and-"
Both mares perked their ears at the rustling of brush.
"Remain quiet?" a gruff voice repeated. "How can I remain quiet when I'm living a nightmare, yeah...?"
The sequin studded superstar of the hour, the Macho Man Randy Savage, pushed through the bushes and brambles. As his domineering presence drowned the two mares, all hope of peaceful resolution was lost. It appeared that the disgraced Macho Man was out for revenge against all bear kind.
"Somewhere out there, in the Twilight Zone, I've heard the raucous laughter of a million Hulkamaniacs!" Randy took a moment to tweak his glasses in an extremely masculine manner. "I hope that teddy is ready for a smackdown of EPIC proportions; I'm talking seismic activity brothers," he said almost throttling the two stunned mares. "Only when I defeat this monster can the good vibrations return to the Macho nation, yeah! BECAUSE I AM THE CREAM OF THE CROP! And the creeeeeeam always rises to the top... ."
"You? Beat that monster?" Trixie said with an incredulous guffaw. "You're not a quick learner are you? Perhaps I shouldn't have risked my neck for you back there; you're obviously afflicted."
"Afflicted? Yeah, that's me; The Macho Mojo is out of whack, and now its my job to get it BACK ON TRACK!"
The Macho Man walked over to an enormous oak tree and wrapped his arms around its trunk.
"You're going to get us killed! I'm pretty cool, but even I won't have the strength to fly us out of here if you pick a fight you can't finish."
The Macho Man's face turned a crimson shade as he pulled at its trunk. Muscles pounding furiously, the Macho Man unhanded the tree and grabbed it again at another point. "I just g-...got to get a good...GRIP." The Macho Man's chest heaved madly, sweat pouring down his contorted brow. "Nice and t-tight baby!"
"No way you're moving that!" Rainbow Dash scolded. "No one is that awesome, not even me!"
"I can do it! I'm h-h-HARDCORE!"
Taking notice of the bickering trio, the Ursa Major directed its attention at the the bunch. Its prey had eluded it once before, but it wouldn't happen again. The hunt had served only to whet its appetite. Starting with a slow lumber, the Ursa quickly picked up speed. For such a huge beast, all its girth seemed to do nothing to deter its charge. The forest was quickly shrouded with dust as the bear's stomping gave the ground cause to tremble.
"We're going to get trampled! Peon, you have to get TRIXIE out of here!"
"I can't!"
Rainbow Dash was extremely frustrated: she didn't want to see either of her acquaintances trampled by the Ursa, but she couldn't save both. There was no way. Furthermore, the clouds of dust were obscuring her vision; she couldn't even see her own hoof in front of her face. It was in the hands of fate now.
Shortly after reaching Ponyville's outskirts, the ardor of Twilight's initial outset was replaced with panic at the unwelcome sight of the wily Discord seemingly waiting for her at the crossroads. Twilight straitened out her legs and gritted her teeth at the sight of him, attempting to shroud her anxiety with a 'fearsome' facade. He hadn't been seen around Ponyville for weeks, so it was clear that his turning up now was no coincidence.
"Yoo-hoo, Twilight!" Discord pointed a scaly talon in her direction, beckoning to her. "Where are you headed to? With all those bags I'd wager somewhere fun. Are you, perchance, taking a vacation?"
"That's none of your business!"
"Because if you were, I'd be more than happy to house sit for you. We are friends now are we not? Tu casa es mi casa, am I correct?"
"You'll never be welcome at my house or in my town, so you better stay away..."
"Or what!?" Discord's demeanor quickly took a turn for the worst. "Last time I checked, you don't get to decide who comes and goes. Did Celestia die - please say yes - and make you princess? You and your friends wearing your Elements of Harmony like badges doesn't make any of you sheriffs. Your bound to Celestia's law, and she seems to think I can be a reformed, so here I am. Reform me!"
Twilight shrunk back a bit at Discord's outburst, but maintained her guard.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." Discord closed his eyes and rubbed his visage. "Let's start over. I'm Discord, spirit of uh...discordance. Who might you be?"
"I have no time for this! Move!"
"No time for an old friend? Whoever-You-Are, I'm disappointed in you. I thought there was 'magic' in 'friendship'." Discord stroked his wispy, white beard in amusement. "Speaking of friends, how are they anyhow? Flutter still shyin'? Apple still jacking? Rarity still ... I have nothing."
Twilight said nothing, opting not to humor him.
"Perhaps I ought to go visit them myself? I'll make sure to do it next time I visit Ponyville."
"There won't be a next time. The Elements of Harmony won't fail again; you will be defeated, and you will be locked away, forever if I have any say in it."
"You really need to lighten up, Twilight. You're not yourself when you get cranky like this." Discord teleported closer to her, causing her to flinch away from him warily. "Go,"
Twilight wriggled away from Discord's grasp. Discord gave a wistful frown before disappearing in a plume of smoke. Although worried for Ponyville's safety, Twilight Sparkle was aware that meeting with the princess was more imperative now than ever before. Proceeding with a cautious haste, she set her sights once again for the Celestia's lofty palace, overlooking the kingdom from its mountainside perch. Though she expected that she and the Princess would quickly resolve this matter, she could not shake an inkling of doubt which had rooted itself in her shaken psyche.
"Five...four...three...two...you're on Gene." The cameraman said as Gene Okerlund prepped for the night's promo.
"Tonight the question on many a World Wrestling Federation fans' mind is 'Where exactly is the Macho Man Randy Savage.' With only five days remaining before his match with Hulk Hogan, it seems as if the Macho Man had dropped off the face of the earth. If the beautiful Mrs. Elizabeth has any insight to the location of her husband, she has remained tight lipped despite the efforts of yours truly.
One of the Macho Man's fiercest rivals described Randy Savage's disappearance as 'indicative of a slinking, slithering coward'. Unfortunately, that man wanted to remain anonymous, so he refused to be here this evening. Instead we brought in our resident expert on all things slithering, Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Take it away, Jake."
Taking the microphone gingerly from Okerlund, Roberts bowed his head for a moment, before speaking:
"Macho Man," he said, suppressing a smile as he raised his head to look at the camera lens. "What a misnomer. You know, its really ironic to me that the 'Macho Man' would end up being the biggest sissy, but then again, maybe I just ignored the signs. The way he would prance around here, night after night, in his sequin suits, its kind of hard to believe that the man would have himself called the 'Macho King'. All I saw, all I still see, is a drama queen. One thing I never pegged him as was a coward. To be honest," he gave a wry little smile, "I didn't think the man was capable of fear, like he wasn't that far along evolutionary.
"I'm here to confirm what most of the world probably already holds as a fact, the Macho Man Randy Savage is neither 'macho' nor 'savage'. He's effeminate ... domesticated. You know, I heard a song this morning and I couldn't help but, uh, think of you, Macho Man. It said 'you can run on for a long time' and that sooner or later 'God's going to cut you down.' Now, I'm not holding out any breath for divine intervention here, but if you show up, by some chance, and Hogan doesn't cut you down and God doesn't cut you down, then like a reaper, I'll cut you down. I have no tolerance for a coward; you're looking mighty yellow right about now."
Jake dropped the microphone back into Gene's hand and swept his hair back, giving the camera one last scrutinizing glance,
"Wow. Tough words from Jake Roberts for the Macho Man. I expect Savage, when he returns, if he returns, will face a very icy reception from his fellow wrestlers. In a business where respect can make or break you, the Macho Man is walking a dangerous line. Now, back to ringside!"
Author's Note
I really did expect that I would be uploading these more often than I have, but I entered a 'writer's slump', wondered what I was doing for a while, and eventually clawed my way back out. Anyways, I'm almost to Chapter X, which will be quite the milestone for me. I already have a sense of what I want to write about in that chapter, so, barring a severe lack of motivation, it should be up in a rather timely manner, but probably not before my followup to Sanford and Scoot, one of my fics that I've put on the back-burner for far too long now.If you're one of the few who have soldiered on thus far, I thank you and I hope that you've enjoyed and continue to enjoy reading as I update in the coming weeks.
Happy Easter if you're of the Christian sort. If not, I hope you have a good day regardless.
