The Bronerific Adventures of Freddie and Austin
It was once again....That time of the day....
Freddie impatiently tapped his pencil against the wooden desk he sat in. He continued to look at the clock....A LOT.
And why wouldn't he? School was hell, anybody with an inch of brain matter knew this....Freddie especially....It was 3:10...Five minutes until school left out.
And when that bell rang, Freddie would treat it just like any other day on the outside....He would smile, engage in some quick conversations with his friends....Grab his things, and make his exit.
His 7th hour, though, was in a goddamn trailer of all places.... Modular 7, to be exact....So he would have to walk back down to the school, then to his locker, THEN go home....
It didn't take TOO long....It was just....So stupid.....Why can't this town build a bigger high-school? They weren't dirt poor, dammit...They had their shit together....But yet, they had about TWELVE trailers about a quarter mile away from the damn place! Whatever, Freddie hated thinking about it, anyway....It just pissed him off.
Today was a special day, anyway....There was no reason for Freddie to be pissed off....Absolutely no reason....
Why be so happy? Well, today was the day. The season three premiere of Freddie's favorite Television show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!
That's RIIIIGHT! Unfortunately for YOU, Freddie is a brony, and a proud one, at that. He had only been one since June 21st, 2012....He was pissed off he didn't know the EXACT time, be he digresses...It was sometime in the 8 o' clock P.M. hour.
Like said, Freddie hadn't been a Brony for TOO long, but he got it.....He knew his shit. He had watched all 52 episodes of the show in less than three weeks. Sure, other bronies had done it faster, no doubt...But Freddie had other shit to watch too, like UberHaxorNova, and.....Hmmm...He's drawing a blank right now, but he's SURE there's more!
Anyway, yeah! He's a Brony. No merchandise yet, except for many pony figurines, which was a start. Someday, Freddie hoped to have t-shirts, and lanyards, and.....Homemade Pinkie Pie fruit snacks, although he MIGHT scratch that off his list.....Because he's pretty sure HOMEMADE fruits snacks, made by STRANGERS....Would not taste good....Especially if they clopped before making them. Ugh. Freddie cringed at the thought.
Yeah, Freddie didn't know many other Bronies.....There was Tye Johnson, Zane Dotson, Nathan Bougeno, Curtis Altis, Kyler......Freddie didn't know Kyler's last name, he would probably have to ask him that soon.....And then, there was Austin Ross, his best friend, and the young man who lead Freddie on the path....To Bronyhood. Seriously, he would have to hug him for that one day!
Freddie and company were trying to convert Ashton Wall, one of Freddie's other friends, to Bronyism.....He didn't seem to be budging, as he kept coming up with the excuse "My Xbox is still broken!" Because Ashton didn't have a good computer, which was a fucking LAME excuse anyway! Freddie had a feeling that Ashton was ALREADY a brony anyway, so it didn't even matter.....The proof was in the pudding....He said the name Scootaloo more than his OWN name!
Back to the matter at hand, though. Basically, Freddie was bored, like any other kid in his spot would be. He wanted to just go home, and watch My Little Pony....With Austin of course, since it was Friday, and he was coming over to watch it with him, since Austin didn't have satellite. Freddie didn't know WHY the show premiered at 6:00 P.M. on a FRIDAY instead of a SATURDAY like it normally did, but Freddie just figured that The Hub was trying something different.
"Yo, Fredrick!" Freddie's 7th hour teacher, Mr. Keagy called out. "Quit with that tapping, man, it. HURTS. MY. BRAIN!"
Mr. Chris Keagy was a slender man, (NO, NOT THAT TYPE OF SLENDER, DICKS.) with a bald head. He was know for being very....Eccentric....VERY eccentric. He taught American Government. His favorite singer is Justin Timberlake, or "The Angel sent from Heaven", as Mr. Keagy called him. He's NOT gay, like stated, he's just fucking ECCENTRIC!
Freddie chuckled, and lightly sat his pencil down. "Sorry, Mr. Keagy.....I'm just bored."
"You're bored?" Mr. Keagy replied. "Go jump in the Atlantic Ocean and hug a jellyfish. When he shocks you, you'll soil your pants, and THAT will teach you to never be bored again!"
Freddie and many of his classmates began laughing, but Mr. Keagy had a serious expression on his face.
"I'm serious. I'll even accompany you to prove it!" Mr. Keagy suggested, randomly pulling out a snorkel and grinning.
"Uhhh....That's okay, Mr. Keagy." Freddie replied, wondering where the hell he got the snorkel from. Mr. Keagy was like the Pinkie Pie of Earth. Freddie wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing...
Mr. Keagy then frowned. "You mean....You don't want me to accompany you?" Freddie shook his head. "PIECE OF CRAP!" He yelled. "YOU'LL DIE OUT THERE WITHOUT A MENTOR!"
"You'll just scare the jellyfish away!" Tyler Trautman stupidly said.
Alex Miller and Wyatt Wachter turned towards Tyler with stern looks on their faces.
"Shut up, Tortoise." The two jocks said at the same time, causing Tyler to stare them down.
"That's not my name...." Tyler seriously protested, but the two jocks just replied with a chuckle and a shake of their heads.
"Now you know how I feel, you son of a bitch." Freddie quietly said to Tyler. "Always calling me Freddie Kruger, Freddie Machete, and all that other stupid shit...."
"Freddie-San's cool though, right, dude?" Tye Johnson asked.
"I'm not Asian, for I don't squint....But I don't care." Freddie answered plainly.
Tye just chuckled. "You got that OC done yet?"
Freddie sighed. "No Tye.....Just...Give me time...." In reality, Freddie didn't give a shit about an OC, and would only work on one on HIS terms.
"I'm giving you a few weeks, dude...." Tye said, like this was the most important thing in the world to him. Please....OC DONE WHEN OC DONE!
"That reminds me of a story!" Mr. Keagy blurted out of nowhere. "Not ABOUT jellyfishes, but I once saw someone that RESEMBLED a jellyfish! So, this one day, I'm at the gas station, and-"
Mr. Keagy was interrupted by the blaring of the school bell. WAAAA, WAAAAA, WAAAA.....That's what Freddie wanted to say, be he didn't. Although Mr. Keagy would've went with it, because he was just that awesome of a teacher.
Freddie, Kyler, and Tye took their time leaving Mr. Keagy's class, as they discussed just how EXCITED they were for season three. As they went outside, they were face to face with Curtis.....And a Curtis, with a GIANT grin on his face, non-the-less....That's the WORST kind of Curtis.....
"Hey guys!" Curtis said, obviously excited for season three like every other brony on the Planet was.
Freddie sighed. "Go away, bad dream...."
Kyler scowled, and held his right hand up to Freddie's face.
"Oh shit!" Freddie replied, sarcastically scared. "It's Magneto again! Everyone run for your life!"
"If only...." Kyler said. "You wouldn't have a face right now...."
Freddie smirked. "Yes I would. I keep extra faces piled around St. Clair in case of....."
"Emergency?" Kyler, Curtis and Tye guessed at the same time.
Freddie nodded. "You got it!"
"You MUST be ready for season 3, Freddie!" Curtis hinted. "You're quoting Pinkie Pie, after all."
"I'm always quoting Pinkie Pie...." Freddie added.
"Which is why he wins the points!" Kyler proclaimed, bro-hoofing Freddie.
"ALL of the points?" Asked Tye. Freddie sighed.
"Minus 3 points for the sigh...." Curtis said.
Freddie shook his head, taken aback by how....Similar his friends were to him....
"Man...." Freddie thought. "They may be similar to me....But DAMN, are they weird! Just like me!"
"We're still having another meeting tonight, right, Freddie?" Kyler asked curiously. He, of course, was referring to The Brony Club, and it's Friday meetings. Yes, St. Clair High School had a BRONY club, of all things. Sure, there was magic club, chess club, book club, but that was all nerdy shit to Freddie, so, he, his friends, and a lot of other bronies he hadn't quite gotten acquainted with yet, signed a petition. Mr. Hillman, the school principal, needed at least 50 signatures, Freddie and company got fifty one, good enough for it to pass. When asked what exactly a "Brony Club" is, or even more-so, what a "Brony" is, Freddie basically told him the truth, Mr. Hillman just stared at Freddie in response.
Flashback......
"I....Ummm...I see....." Mr. Hillman replied, still staring.
Mr. Hillman was a heavy-set man. Not very tall for what'd you'd expect of a man what that size. He looked identical to the principal at the Junior High, Mr. Hamlet, Freddie almost thought they were separated at birth. Mr. Hillman also had a Hitler stache goin' on, but he wasn't a dick like Hamlet, so nobody called him "Hitler."
"....Soooooo....?" Freddie broke the silence, REALLY starting to feel awkward. "Is it....Okay if the club....Ya know, gets made? We do need your approval, of course...."
"I'm....Still NOT quite sure I follow, Freddie...." Mr. Hillman replied. "What you are saying, to me....Is that, you want to create a club....For "Bronies", fans of My Little Pony, to get together?"
Freddie simply nodded. "Yes sir. Is there a problem with that?"
"Well....N-not really....Except...."
"Except WHAT, sir?" Freddie asked, raising an eyebrow. He expected this response, but he never expected the ALL MIGHTY POWERFUL PRINCIPAL HILLMAN, to be reduced to nothing but a shocked, stuttering mess.
"I....Thought I was the only one....." Mr. Hillman replied, hanging his head.
Freddie silently gasped. "M-Mr....Mr. Hillman....Are you.....Are you a BRONY?"
Mr. Hillman said nothing. He simply got up from his chair, and proceeded to loosen his belt. Freddie immediately jumped back in surprise, wanting to run out of his office right away.
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA, sir!" Freddie screeched, shielding his eyes. "Dinner and a movie first, PLEASE!"
Mr. Hillman scowled. "Freddie. Me and you are close, as Principal, and Student, don't ruin that relationship by what you're thinking...."
"BUT YOU'RE ABOUT TO SHOW ME YOUR CROTCH, SIR!" Freddie shouted. Good thing it was lunch at the moment, so the secretary couldn't come in and kill the pedophilic principal with a shovel or some mildly dangerous shit. Which was, also, kind of a bad thing. Sure, Freddie could take this tub of lard EASILY, so there was not even a POSSIBILITY of him getting raped, but still, that didn't mean he was going to be safe from Mr. Hillman's Ham-bone.
Freddie was SERIOUSLY regretting coming in here in the first place now. Having his own club was NOT worth it if he had to see his principal's pal to get it.
"Freddie!" Mr. Hillman replied, getting annoyed at the thought of one the most....Perverted Students at St. Clair High thinking.....Well, with his mind in the gutter. What else did he expect? "Freddie, please, just LOOK."
Freddie whined like a little bitch, and separated his middle and ring finger apart from each other. He gasped even louder this time, when he saw a smile surrounded by a pink jawline on Mr. Hillman's underwear. He then dispersed both of his hands, and relished in the sight of his principal, wearing Pinkie Pie underwear.....PINKIE. FUCKING. PIE. UNDERWEAR!
Freddie should have been excited that the most powerful man in the school district, besides Mr. Murphy, the superintendent, was indeed a Brony, but all he could think about right now....Was laughing his ass off.
Mr. Hillman frowned as Freddie began to guffaw at the ridiculous sight in front of him. He at least expected a bro-hoof....But instead, he got a bro-haha.
"I-...I'm so sorry, sir!" Freddie apologized, as he sat down in the chair by Mr. Hillman's desk, and drank some of his Aqua water to try and relax, but he spat all of the water out when he couldn't help but take another peek at Mr. Hillman's undergarments. The water Freddie spat out, showered Mr. Hillman's office Ficus tree.
"Well," Mr. Hillman. "At least now I won't have to water that thing today..."
Freddie sat the water back on his desk, realizing he may choke if he drank anything in the state his principal was. Lunch would be ending soon, and he needed to seal the deal on this agreement already. No matter how...Tempted he was to continue giggling at this, he knew there were more important things in life, like getting that Club deal finalized.
"I'll admit, Freddie. I never expected your reaction...To be like THAT." Mr. Hillman stated, almost sadly. "I figured us fellow Bronies could, like bro-hoof, or something."
"Again, sir, I'm sorry." Freddie apologized, now with a straight face. "That was just, TOO rich."
"As rich as Zap Apple jam?" Mr. Hillman asked with a cheeky smile, one that Freddie did NOT return.
"Uhhh.....Sure....Look, we can exchange all the quotes and references you want some other time, but for right now, I need to know if it's okay to have a club like this."
"Of course!" Mr. Hillman spouted instantly. "I'd be HONORED to sponsor a Brony club. It's GREAT to know I'm not the only Brony in this school, so, yes, yes, YES! But...There's just, ONE thing...."
"What is it?" Freddie asked. "I'd do virtually ANYTHING to get this club going."
Mr. Hillman chuckled. "And I'd do anything to make it happen. All I need is at least fifty signatures for the club to get finalized. And no, you can't forge made up people's names, or even a real person's name, these fifty signatures, MUST be Bronies."
"But, how will you be able to distinguish Brony and non-brony from those who signed the petition?" Freddie asked.
Mr. Hillman thought for a moment, thinking about what could mark the latter between a Brony, and a non-brony. It suddenly came to him. "All they need to do, is state their favorite pony. That's all."
"So, fifty signatures, male OR female?" Mr. Hillman nodded. "Okay. And their favorite ponies. Got it. What if their AREN'T fifty bronies in this school, though?"
Mr. Hillman sighed. "I'm sorry, Freddie, but those are the rules. All the other clubs had to get fifty signatures to get the Seal of Approval. It wouldn't be fair if I made it any less."
"But those Clubs actually seem...Interesting to most people in this school." Freddie pointed out. "Ya know, like Rachel's Challenge, and ROTC, THOSE are for a good cause. I doubt many would be interested in a Brony club once they figure out what it's actually about...."
Mr. Hillman smiled weakly. "You never know, Freddie. I bet you at least ONE of our Football players like My Little Pony in this school! You just can never tell what someone's interests are, just by looking at them."
"Heh. You're right, sir. But still, fifty one? That MAY take a while to get, ya know?" Freddie was hoping 50 Bronies moved to St. Clair, and went to sign up for their High School RIGHT now. That'd be a gift from GOD, for sure. Unfortunately, those odds....Were very, VERY slim....
"Tell ya what," Mr. Hillman said. "I'LL be the first Brony to sign your petition. How about that? You can then sign, and then, you'll only need fourty eight!"
"Really? Awwww MAN! Thank you, Mr. Hillman!"
"It's no problem." Mr. Hillman replied, putting his black pen to the paper he had just gotten out. "I feel COMPELLED to help my fellow Bronies in ANY way I can!" He sat his pen down, and handed the paper to Freddie.
Freddie analyzed the paper, it had Mr. Hillman's name, in cursive, of course. Freddie hoped cursive signatures were NOT a MUST, because he SUCKED at cursive. It was the only reason he almost failed the second grade.
He then decided to look to the left, to figure out who his principal's favorite pony was. He should have known it would have been Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie Pie, eh?" Freddie said with a chuckle, as he began to write his own name down on the petition.
"Yup!" Mr. Hillman cheerfully replied. "Every time I have to deal with the more....Horribly behaved students at this school, I just plug in my headphones after they leave, and listen to the Smile Song. I feel all better instantly!" He then scowled. "And then FIVE minutes later.....It all happens again!"
Freddie laughed. "You've just gotta love and tolerate them, Mr. Hillman."
"How can I love and tolerate Jacob Davis for urinating in the drinking fountain next to the Auditorium?!" Mr. Hillman replied with more anger than Freddie had ever seen him in.
Freddie remembered that day. He had literally, taken a drink from that same fountain TWO minutes before Jacob Davis pissed in it. That was only a month ago, and Mr. Hillman hadn't been the same since dealing with THAT situation....
"I see what you mean, then." Freddie replied with a smirk.
Mr. Hillman looked over Freddie's signature, and chuckled when he remembered that Freddie wasn't the best at cursive. "Your signature is fine, Freddie. They don't HAVE to sign in cursive."
"Cool." Said Freddie with a smile, but inside, HE WAS FUCKING GOING HAPPY WITH WOW FUCK.
"Rarity?" Mr. Hillman asked, Freddie nodding in response. Mr. Hillman then gave Freddie a thumbs down, this shocked Freddie. "She's probably....Number 15 on the list."
"Oh COME ON, Mr. Hillman!" Freddie replied with much emotion. "That is just...So....RUDE. Pinkie Pie is FANTASTIC, she's number three behind Rainbow Dash, but really? Really? REALLY?"
"Really, Freddie. Really." Mr. Hillman shrugged. "She just whines too much."
Freddie gasped. "But SIR! She is NOT whining, she, is a LADY, therefore, she, is COMPLAINING. Whining is a POLAR opposite from Complaining."
Mr. Hillman smirked. "Clever, Freddie. Clever." The bell then rang, meaning that first lunch shift was now over, second lunch shift would now begin, and Freddie had to return to Health class. "Well, that's your cue, Freddie. I wish you luck in getting those forty eight other signatures, and I look forward to talking more about ponies with-" Mr. Hillman then froze.
"What?" Freddie asked, wanting to know what had caused his principal to stop talking. Freddie turned around, and saw a boy with a curly, black afro standing there, smiling like a creeper. He looked like a sixteen year old Howard Stern.
"Hi." The boy said, still showing his teeth in that smile that made Freddie want to NOT prepare his anus. "My name is Brody Nee, I just moved here from Eureka. I'm here to sign up for school!"
Mr. Hillman had still not pulled his pants up yet, making this situation all the more awkward and odd, but Brody didn't seem to mind, he just wouldn't stop smiling.
"Are you the principal?" He asked, gesturing to Mr. Hillman. Mr. Hillman just simply nodded, still out of it by the appearance of Brody. He'd be fine....If he actually had his pants up...
"Nice Pinkie Pie underwear, Principal.....?" Brody complimented, wanting to know his soon to be principal's name.
Both Mr. Hillman and Freddie's jaws dropped. Freddie got about 1 percent of his wish.....It seemed as though at least ONE Brony had moved to St. Clair whenever he asked for it.
"Y-you're a Brony....?" Freddie asked, still shocked.
"Yup!" Brody said, pulling down his own pants, and revealing some Fluttershy underwear.
"WHY DOES EVERYONE IN THIS SCHOOL KEEP PULLING THEIR PANTS DOWN!?" Freddie huffed.
"Cuz it seems like a trend here." Brody replied. "Plus, I just like showing off my COOL pony garments! You're a brony, too?"
"Yup." Freddie replied. "My name's Freddie Hediger, and this is Mr. Hillman." Mr. Hillman did not wave, he just continued to stare at Brody's crotch area, making this even worse on himself.
"Cool! What's that paper in your hand?" Brody asked curiously.
"This? I was just trying to begin a Brony club, for after school. Mr. Hillman said I needed 50 signatures, me and him are the first two. Would YOU like to sign next?"
"Are you kidding?! Of course!" Brody tried to move forward, but he just fell on his face, due to his pants still being around his ankles. He then crawled towards Freddie, not even thinking to pull his pants off. After all, it'd do him, AND Mr. Hillman some damn good....
Brody then signed his name, and put his favorite pony, and handed the petition back to Freddie. "Rarity and Pinkie Pie? Cool! They're 4th and 2nd on my list respectively, but, I've got to give number 1 to Fluttershy!"
"It's a good choice." Freddie replied. "Isn't it, Mr. Hillman?" He just nodded, his mouth still agape. "So...You're....Brody the Brony?"
Brody laughed. "That's what they all call me! It's so nice to meet some more bronies! The only ones I've met were...."
"Online?" Freddie guessed.
"That's right! But now, I've got....REAL ones....It feels.....SO AWESOME!" He tried to imitate Rainbow Dash, but he fucked it up, because his voice didn't crack good enough. What a curly fried failure.
"Yeah, I'm sure it does. I've got to go, Brody. But, we should hang out later." In reality, Freddie wanted to get away from this kid as soon as possible. Sure, Freddie was weird, too....But he didn't exactly pull his pants down in front of two straight men....That just didn't seem to CLICK with his mind.
"Yeah! Of course!" Brody replied, putting out his fist towards Freddie.
"I don't bro-hoof those who have their pants down..." Freddie replied, quickly walking out of Mr. Hillman's office. He just hoped Janelle, his secretary came him with not only his, but some random kid's pants down. That would NOT look good on his resume....
"Awww....." Brody said, disappointed a bit. "He's no fun, is he, Mr. Hillman?"
"Brody...." Mr. Hillman finally talked. "....Our pants are down...."
"Yup!"
"And....You're okay with this?"
"Yup!"
Mr. Hillman sighed, and smiled. "So am I....."
Continuing with our ORIGINAL dialogue.....
"That's right, brudda." Freddie replied. "We'll have a meeting EVERY Friday until we graduate, and even THEN, we can always use the party room at Pizza Shack and have our meetings there."
"That sounds like a great idea!" Tye said in glee. "Pizza and ponies, there is NO better combination!"
"You are most likely right with that statement." Curtis agreed. "What do you all expect from tonight's two parter?"
"Crystals. Lots and LOTS of Crystals." Kyler said.
"Well, I won't be able to watch it, so don't anyone spoil it for me." Tye said.
"I'm hoping that Hasbro swerves us and has the G1, G2, and G3 ponies invade Equestria and kill all the current ponies. We shall call it...."Pony, Bloody Pony...""
"YOU'RE ACTUALLY HOPING FOR THAT?!!??!" Curtis shouted.
"My GOD, man! What is wrong with you?" Kyler asked, grabbing Freddie by his shoulders and shaking him rapidly.
"It WOULD be a great way to shake up the show..." Tye said, rubbing his chin with his index finger. "I like it!"
"Tye.....I was kidding...." Freddie said in a dead-pan voice.
"And I WASN'T." Tye replied. "Although, I'm pretty sure there will be NO blood in a Hasbro show."
"That sounds like nothing more than a horrible fan fiction idea...." Kyler said, shaking his head in disappointment. "Why the traumatizing thoughts, Freddie?"
"Tee-hee." Freddie giggled like a sassy school-girl who liked sarsaparilla. "Sorry, it's just my nature to freak people out."
"The entire internet would simultaneously EXPLODE if Hasbro actually went with that idea." Curtis pointed out.
"That's probably for the best..." Freddie replied, gaining worried stares from his three friends. "What? That fool made Justin Bieber famous!"
"Well, I share your anger on THAT, the Internet wasn't too bright for doing that...." Curtis said.
"You are talking as if the Internet is ONE man." Kyler said with a chuckle.
"HE IS!" Freddie replied with big eyes. "The Internet is the spawn of Bill Gates and the stupid side of Bill Gates's mind. One night, they both had some steamy secks, and 9 months later, Internet Gates was conceived. Little baby Inty was MUCH different, though.....For one, he had NO organs....He was just this endless supply of space and data, ready to be used for nothing but evil. Thus, Bill Gates, and the stupid side of Bill Gates's mind came together.....To form......." Freddie's left eye than began twitching. "DAAAATTAAAA......GAAAATTEEESSSSS.......Humanoids as we know it, will soon.....CEASE! TO EXIST!"
"That story was so epic, it ALMOST made me think it was real...." Kyler said. "Buuuttt....Since it didn't...." Kyler, Curtis, and Tye then proceeded to laugh hysterically at Freddie's story, and more-so, Freddie himself.
Freddie scowled, he waited many minutes. But alas, the three would NOT SHUT UP. So, he decided, to do the ONLY logical thing he could do.....
HE STOMPED OFF ANGRILY AND LEFT THE THREE GAYS TO BE GAY WITHOUT REGRET.
Many minutes after a long, menacing walk cuz St. Clair wasted all their money on PCP.....
Back inside the school, while Tye, Curtis and Kyler were probably still laughing their asses off, Freddie spotted Austin Ross out of the corner of his eye. He immediately perked up, and ran over to him.
"Hey there, fool." Austin said in his squeaky voice. "What's up?" Ever since Freddie had met Austin in 6th grade, the first thing he noticed, was that damn voice of his. It wasn't exactly "Nails on Chalk-board" bad. It was more like, "Nails on Penis bad." But Freddie had no room to judge, as Freddie had a slight lisp, only with the word "Three." He couldn't tell the difference between Three, and Free. It just wasn't. Gonna. Happen. EVER.
"I just told three of my asshole friends a RIVETING story, and the mudda fuckas LAUGHED at me for it!"
Austin laughed himself. "Was it the one about how the Internet was made?"
Freddie turned his head, and mumbled, "Yes...."
"That one's not too bad. It almost sounded.....Legit."
"I'm not going to let them get to me!" Freddie said, sticking his chin up high confidently. "They're just jealous because they can't excite ANYONE with a dramatic story. Besides, tonight.....Season....Three....COMMENCES!"
"No reason to be mad with ponies." Austin replied with a smile.
"No sirree Bob Snob there isn't!"
Now, since it's pretty telling these two ass-bags will be our Main Characters, I'm guessing you all want to know what they look like....So you can fap to their images in yo BRAIN. Well, DON'T. That's fuggin' sick and not appreciated. Still, I'll throw you dogs a bone.
Austin was six-teen, like Freddie. He had curly blonde hair. It was almost like a dirty blonde. He was skinnier than Freddie, but not taller, in fact, Freddie has him beat by an inch. And, as said, he is half human, half mouse. Happy?
And Freddie, has brown hair. The style he wears his hair in, differs non-stop. He goes from buzz-cut, to mop-hair to occasional mullet, to the Faux-hawk. Too bad his mom wasn't too thrilled with the 'Hawk, unlike Freddie. Freddie wasn't skinny, but he wasn't fat, either. He was the latter, and was pretty athletic. He wasn't on any teams, but he could run fast. His asthma prevented him from running so fast for too long, though, but shit happens in life.
All of a sudden, just when Freddie was excited again.....HE....Had to show up.
"What up, gays?" Said Ashton Wall, as he approached the two best friends when they DIDN'T WANT TO BE APPROACHED!!!!!!
Freddie immediately groaned. "Go fap to Smosh, freckle-face....."
Freddie called him freckle-face, because that's what he was. Ashton had LOTS of freckles, was very lanky, or skinny, or slender, OR WHATEVER YA WANNA CALL IT. He had curly, brown hair, and was a devoted supporter of Smosh.....And by devoted, I mean he jerks off to their videos because he finds their face DELIGHTFUL. I'm not even kidding.
"Go fap to your gay-ass ponies, gay-ass fauxhawk." Ashton replied, thinking he had just hurt Freddie's feelings or something.
....He didn't......
"Ashton, you've only seen ONE episode." Austin replied. "And that ONE episode had nothing GAY-ASS in it."
"Yeah, it did." Ashton replied. "Fucking whore-ass ponies and shit."
Freddie and Austin both face-palmed.
"Stop delaying the inevitable, douche." Freddie said. "And go to our Brony meeting today. You can learn what a Brony is REALLY about, and stop passing your judgement that nobody cares about."
"Yeah know what? Fine." Ashton said. "I'll go to your little gay-ass meeting and mingle with you little gay-ass freaks. It's in the Auditorium, right?"
Austin and Freddie nodded. "Right in it." Austin added.
"We'll be there in a couple minutes." Freddie said. "Tell them that, and also, tell them you wish to know....The way...Of the Brony...."
"I'd rather know the way of the dragon, so I can kung-fu chop your bitch-ass necks off your gay-ass bodies!" Austin replied. "See ya there." He then walked off towards the auditorium.
"What a broken record." Austin said as he and Freddie began to journey to the steps, which would lead them to their lockers.
Freddie chuckled. "I know. It's all "SMOSH, SMOSH, SMOSH, SMOSH, NIGAHIGA, GAY-ASS, GAY-ASS, ZOTR1X, ZOTR1X, GAY-ASS, I'VE GOT A CELL-PHONE GIRLFRIEND, SMOSH, SMOSH, SMOSH, MRS. LAMPKIN IS ONLY DECENT LOOKING, I FUCK MAH MOMMA WIT' A WET NOODLE!"" Freddie mocked the same words Ashton repeated over and OVER during each school day. It was REALLY starting to get bothersome. "I mean....MRS. LAMPKIN? DECENT LOOKING?! IS HE FUCKING BLIND?!?!?"
"Stupid AND blind, apparently." Austin added, causing Freddie to laugh.
Speaking of which, many seconds later, just as they passed Mrs. Lampkin's room, Freddie waved, as he always did, and Mrs. Lampkin waved back, telling them to "Hold on."
"Oh, I'll hold on ANY day for you, baby...." Freddie thought, chuckling evilly. Mrs. Lampkin was Freddie and Austin's fourth hour Health teacher. Of course, sex is a course in Health, and when you have someone SEXy teaching SEX, it makes it that much better.
Mrs. Lampkin was 24, and it showed. She was the coach of the girls' Basketball team, as you could tell, because her work duds was ALWAYS the team uniform/track jumpsuit combo that Freddie loved. It also helped that she had perfectly good sized breasts, and a great ass to round out the outfit. She had black hair, which she wore in many styles. In pigtails, straight, straight n' curly, in a bun, whatever it was, it didn't matter, she could make a 70's Disco Afro look FINE. Freddie also had her in eighth grade, when her name was Ms. England and she wasn't married. He STILL wished she was married, so he would have a chance. It was a possibility. By the time Freddie would be out of High School, she would only be TWENTY SIX!
"Hi, Mrs. Lampkin." Austin said as she walked to the door.
"Hey there, Lamppost." Freddie said with a smirk. That was his nickname for her. The basketball team called her "Lampshade", but that was fucking stupid. Freddie was better with nicknames than those sweaty bitches, they just need to dribble those balls and quit worrying about simple crap. It wouldn't get them anywhere.
"Hi there, boys!" Mrs. Lampkin said, with more pep in her voice than usual. Not that she was always crabby, she NEVER was, but she just seemed....Happier than she normally was.
"What do you need?" Freddie asked, hoping it was sex. He REALLY hoped it was sex. He didn't even care if Austin was involved, it was sex. And like Freddie had said before when he was alone in his room...."SECKS IS SECKS. DON'T BE A PICKEH FOO'."
"I'd like to talk to you both about your scores on that Human Body test you took yesterday." Freddie and Austin both gulped. They HOPED they didn't flunk the damn thing, the whole unit was easy. Neither of them studied, (Neither of them ever did) and they tried their absolute BEST. Which was a LOT, cuz, ya know....IT'S THE BEST!
Mrs. Lampkin gestured for both of them to come inside the classroom, which they both obliged, cuz when a hot teacher asks that of you....YOU COMPLY. She then locked the door.
"Awww SHEEETTT..." Freddie thought. "This is getting SERIOUS...."
"Have a seat, you two." Again, Freddie and Austin did as they were told. They sat right in front of her desk.
Mrs. Lampkin sat down at her own desk, and cleared her throat. "I'd just like to let you BOTH know, you did NOT fail." Freddie and Austin sighed in relief. "In fact, you both passed with FLYING colors!"
"How high where them colors flyin', teech?" Freddie asked.
Mrs. Lampkin giggled. "Pretty high, Fred. You both...Scored 100%!"
Freddie LITERALLY, fell out of the desk. He couldn't REMEMBER the last time he got a 100 on a test! He got them pretty frequently on worksheets, but a TEST?! That was a Rarity in of itself. Austin didn't really seem surprised, just happy that he didn't bomb the test.
"What about the bonus points?" Austin asked.
"You didn't get them right." Mrs. Lampkin said simply.
"WHAT?!" Freddie yelled, jumping up from the floor. "You mean to tell me, that the World's largest Rocking Chair is NOT in my Backyard?!"
"Sorry, but it's in Cuba, Fred." Mrs. Lampkin replied.
"Missouri?" Freddie asked, Mrs. Lampkin nodded. "That's ABSURD! I'm pretty sure I KNOW what's in my OWN backyard, Lamppost!"
Mrs. Lampkin giggled. "Well, obviously you don't, or else you would of gotten it RIGHT." She said with a troll face.
"Urgh!" Freddie thought. "Hot fucking troll....You can live under my "Bridge" any day!"
"Still, though, that's really good." Austin pointed out.
"Of course it is!" Mrs. Lampkin agreed. "You guys even beat Sarah, one of the smartest girls in the school!"
Freddie smirked. "Haha, Sarah!" He thought. "Ya fucking fool!"
Mrs. Lampkin showed the boys their tests, as PROOF of their awesomeness. And yes, it WAS pure awesomeness! Freddie raveled in the sight of the 100%. Surely, a reward was in store for him soon enough.
"Good job, man!" Freddie congratulated Austin, high fiving him.
"You, too." Austin said, as the two gave Mrs. Lampkin their tests back.
Mrs. Lampkin lay the tests on her desk again, and smile so wide at them, showing off her PERFECT teeth.
"I'm so proud of you two! But....I have to ask you something...."
"What is it?" The two asked at the same time.
"Your knowledge of sex is just....Phenomenal! Even on the Essay questions, you BOTH used more than one sheet of paper. Let me read you some of your examples....Freddie, you put: "While 75 percent of men always reach orgasm during sex, only 29 percent of women report the same. In addition, most women are unable to climax through vaginal intercourse, instead needing clitoral stimulation." Austin, you put: "The average male loses his virginity at age 16.9; females average slightly older, at 17.4. And a new study shows that genetics may be a factor: inherited traits, such as impulsivity, can make a person more or less willing to have sex at an earlier age." I didn't even ask for any of that, yet, you gave it to me!"
"You're mad at us for being show-offs....Aren't you?" Freddie asked, frowning.
"Show-offs?" Mrs. Lampkin repeated. She then laughed. "Oh, Fred, no I'm not mad at you! Your answers did not hint "show-off" in any way, I ASSURE you. I'm happy that you both know these types of facts, especially when they're TRUE! And that's only a LITTLE bit of what you wrote! Where did you two learn these facts at? Because I NEVER said any of what's in this essay!"
"We just got it from the internet, and remembered it." Austin answered, Freddie nodding.
"Sex is just....So interesting, I wanted to know as much as I could about it." Freddie added. "Health class only taught me so much!"
"Well, that's great!" Mrs. Lampkin said. "Although, I'm sorry you two didn't get to learn enough about the workings of the human body in class. But....PERHAPS....I can teach you...In a DIFFERENT way...."
"What do you mean?" Freddie asked, as the gears in his head started turning. There was NO way she was referring to what he THOUGHT she was referring to.
"Well....Your knowledge of sex makes me wonder..." Mrs. Lampkin said. "Have either of you two ever actually HAD sex?"
Austin and Freddie IMMEDIATELY shared nervous glances. NOTHING about this unit made them feel awkward or uncomfortable, until this ONE question came along.....NOW, they TRULY, felt awkward and uncomfortable....
"No...No, we haven't." Freddie answered.
"Never." Austin added.
Mrs. Lampkin giggled. "Good boys! Abstinence is a VERY good thing to practice! But, you wouldn't be against going to an Eighth hour today...." Mrs. Lampkin then began to unzip her jacket. "Would you...?"
Austin's eyes bulged, and Freddie's dick did the same.
"Y-you.....Mrs. Lampkin....." Austin struggled to even make WORDS after what he had just heard. He KNEW there were teachers in the world like this....But he NEVER thought he would have met one in HIS lifetime..... "W-we're....Only....Si-sixteen...."
"Yes, and I am twenty four. It's an 8 year difference, sweetie." She pointed out with a smirk. "I just HATE it when my students aren't satisfied with the curriculum..." She pouted. "But, don't worry, I'm here to help....That's what teachers who actually CARE about their students do...."
"Seems as though, you're caring a bit TOO much...." Freddie replied, as his dick now had a mind of it's own, and was squeezing against his pants so hard, it actually hurt.
"Nonsense...." She replied. "I will NEVER stop caring about my students....And I will NEVER say no when they are so desperate to LEARN! Learning is good, guys!" Mrs. Lampkin's blue bra was now exposed. "So COME ON! Let's learn!" She sounded so enthusiastic about this...It was creeping Freddie and Austin the fuck out.
"O-oh....We'd l-love to...." Austin said with a sarcastic grin. "It's j-just....It's the weekend, and...."
"I understand, Austin." Mrs. Lampkin replied, putting her jacket on and beginning to zip it back up. "You've just learned TOO much this week. 5 school days, 7 hours in each. It's just TOO much for your blooming minds to handle. But don't you worry! I'm ALWAYS willing to help your bodies "bloom"..." Mrs. Lampkin giggled.
"Unless of course, you're ready right now, Freddie? Austin, you can leave if you want, while me and Freddie-"
"NO!!!!!!" Freddie screamed bloody murder, he then quickly caught his composure, and nervously laughed. "I mean, uhhh-No...Thank you, Lamppost....Yeah, I burned out, I couldn't POSSIBLY handle another class.....I'm ready to go home, and recharge my batteries...Y-you, understand....Right?"
"Of course, you beautiful souls!" She replied with that same big grin as before. "But, whenever EITHER of you, or both at the same time, I don't care, want to "plug" Mrs. Lampkin's lamp in, and help her light RADIATE throughout the room...You just come see me! Okay?"
"Y-yes, Mrs. Lampkin...." The two beyond confused boys muttered simultaneously.
"You're both so sweet...." Mrs. Lampkin then gave both Austin and Freddie a kiss on the fore-head, like a Teaser, and unlocked the door for them. "Have a great weekend, you two! I look forward to seeing your beautiful minds back at work on Monday!"
Neither of them said goodbye, or either waved, they just continued to try to get over the mind-fuck they had just experienced.
"What....Just.....Happened?" Austin asked, still blasting off into space at the moment.
"I have no ide-" Freddie stopped, when he saw something catch his interest out of the corner of his eye. "We'll talk about this later, dude. Right now, you go get your stuff, I'll meet you by your locker."
"What's the rush?" Austin then noticed Freddie was staring at the beautiful girl known as Morgan Manning from across the hall. "Oooohhh....I see." He then smiled. "Okay, Romeo. I'll see you in a minute."
Freddie wasted no time in walking up to Morgan, the girl of his dreams, who didn't look like she was in the best mood. Yes, Freddie thought Mrs. Lampkin was hot, also now with a side of bat-shit nuts. But Morgan? She was beautiful.....PURE, and most importantly, NOT bat-shit nuts.
"What's with the long face, Morgan?" Freddie began to console, leaning against her locker.
Morgan now seemed to perk up once she saw Freddie. "Oh. Hi, Freddie. I'm just a little sour because Alex broke up with me...."
Freddie then gasped louder than he ever had in his LIFE, as he was sincerely SHOCKED.
"Alex Miller broke up with you?! Why the hell would he do that?!"
"He's just a jealous jock!" Morgan explained, Freddie immediately nodded in agreement, and he didn't even know the situation. "He kept getting mad at us talking with each other. What am I supposed to do? That's what you do with FRIENDS! You talk to them!"
"Wait..." Freddie interrupted her. He frowned. "This is all MY fault?"
"Don't think like that, Freddie! It's HIS fault for not letting me do what I want. I was on a leash the WHOLE time I was with him. I couldn't do ANYTHING I wanted to do. It was always about what ALEX wanted. I was JUST about to break up with him, but it looks like he saved me the trouble....."
"Damn, Morgan, I'm sorry...." Freddie sincerely apologized.
"Don't be. I'm happier than I've been in MONTHS! And I've got the PERFECT way to get back at him...." She said with a chuckle.
"What is it?" Freddie asked.
"Well, I was just wondering....If you wanted to go to Skaterz with me tomorrow?" Right then, right there, Freddie's heart skipped THREE beats. While that would kill any NORMAL man, Freddie was too excited to die. His eyes glazed over, and he could tell he was about to pass out, but he COULDN'T pass this opportunity up! He WILLED himself to stay conscious! And he did so, long enough to ask, "What? Why me?"
"He HATES you." Morgan explained. "Always calling you a loser, it makes me SO mad! You're funny, and smart, and caring. You're SO random, but that's what makes you so hilarious! HE'S the loser! I want to SHOW him how big of a loser he is, when he sees me at Skaterz, having fun....With YOU."
Freddie chuckled. "I actually, like that plan, A LOT."
"Me too..." Morgan agreed. "So, it's a date?"
"It IS in fact, a date, Morgs'! Since you live a BLOCK next to me, I'LL pick YOU up. But, since I don't even have my permit yet..."
Morgan giggled. "Of course, have the LADY drive." Freddie's jaw dropped. "Gotcha!" She then laughed. Oh, Morgan....Always the kidd-FUCKING BITCH NUGGET! "You can come by at 7 o' clock. Okay?"
Freddie was too love-struck to speak words, so he just settled for "Uggggheeehhh................"
"I'll take that, as a yes." Morgan then leaned in, and kissed Freddie on the cheek. Freddie's heart, literally did a 360 no scope spin, and killed the AIDS particles he had gotten when he was in Mrs. Lampkin's room a few moments ago. Beast heart, for sure.
Freddie just screamed like a pre-teen girl fingering herself to the Justin Bieber cardboard cut-out she had just laid eyes on at the Mall, and ran down the stairs as fast as he could.
"Good job, Freddie." Austin congratulated. "I saw the whole thing unfol-WHAT THE?!" Austin was interrupted by Freddie picking him up with all of his strength. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Freddie did not answer, he just kept replying with "EEEHHHEEGGGOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF." He ran to his locker, and grabbed his jacket and lunchbox, with his own teeth, while Austin had his own jacket while he dangled vicariously on Freddie's shoulder.
"Are we going home? What about the meeting?!" Austin asked, but to no avail. No one seemed to be home.
"NOTIMEGOTTAJERKOFFNOWZ." Freddie said as he rammed his head into the Exit door of the school, it popping open in response, and began to yell all the way to his mother's car. He got honked at by all the buses for almost killing all of them due to him running right in front of them when he should've stopped, but Freddie didn't care. He had NEVER been on a date with a girl before....And he couldn't have asked for a better girl to be on a date WITH.
Back inside the school, UNFORTUNATELY, Mrs. Lampkin heard the whole thing....And she was NOT pleased.....
She dialed a number on her cell-phone, and waited for her husband to pick up. When he did, she remained chipper, as usual.
"Hi, honey! ... Yeah, ya know, had a long day ... I just wanted to let you know, I may be home a FEW minutes later then usual ... Traffic is worse than usual ... Yeah, of course! ... Love you, see you soon!" She then hang up the phone, and spat out her mint gum.
So went outside her classroom, RIGHT when Morgan was about to leave.
"Morgan. Could you come here for a minute, please?"
"Ummm...Yeah. Of course, Mrs. Lampkin!"
Morgan went inside the classroom, but quickly realized she SHOULDN'T have, when Mrs. Lampkin pushed her against the Promethean board.
"Mrs. Lampkin!" Morgan yelled in a panic. "What are you doing?!"
"You're a bright student, Morgan....." Mrs. Lampkin complimented.
"T-...THANK YOU?!" Morgan didn't know whether to take it as a compliment, or be VERY worried for her health.
"Show me you are INDEED bright, by staying away from Freddie Hediger...."
"Wait....WHAT!?!?!?"
"I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR WHORE SELF AWAY FROM HIM!" Mrs. Lampkin yelled. "YOU'LL JUST CRUSH HIS HEART, AND HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT! Just stay. Away. From him! Jezebels and Angels, don't mix well together!"
"I'm not a Jezebel! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?!?" Morgan tried to get away, but Mrs. Lampkin was so fit, it was too hard.
"DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU?!?!?!?" Mrs. Lampkin angrily asked, nose to nose with Morgan now.
"YES!" Was all Morgan could say.
Mrs. Lampkin then paused, and let go of Morgan. She smiled. "Good job, Morgan.....I AM crazy....Crazy, in love....MY heart belongs to the boy you are after....And TRUST me, he wants MINE....More than yours. So like I said, just stay away from him....Got it?"
"Fine, fine!"
"And I HOPE you don't tell anyone about this...." Mrs. Lampkin warned.
"I won't....I doubt anyone believe me anyway.....It's not every day a teenage girl gets Man-handled by some PSYCHO FREAK!"
Mrs Lampkin then cackled. "THAT'S RIGHT, MORGAN! NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE YOU! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAAAA!! NO ONNNNNEEEEE!!!!!!"
Morgan quietly left the room, while Mrs. Lampkin continued to cackle like a sexy witch.
Mrs. Lampkin triumphantly put her hands to her hips, and went over to her laptop. She went to Facebook, proceeded to type in "Aust" and the first result she saw, pleased her immensely.
"Ohoho, Austin...." She said, biting her lip as she analyzed Austin in his green coat. "I apologize about what I said earlier....Not ONLY does my heart belong to Freddie, but you, as well.....When it comes to my TWO favorite students in the WHOLE world, neither one of you is more important than the other. And NO ONE, especially some ditzy WHORE, will stand in the way of making sure that I, Mrs. Markie Lampkin, teach you when you are in such DESPERATE need of teaching...."
Mrs. Lampkin then clicked on "Message", and began to let Austin know EXACTLY what she was thinking.
"I'll be waiting.....;)"
Sent.
--------TO BE CONTINUED----------
The Bronerific Adventures of Freddie and Austin
As all of the bronies that attended St. Clair High School filed into the auditorium to begin what was their sixth annual club meeting since the club was approved, everyone in attendance, even Ashton, noticed the room seemed a lot less....Lifeless....A lot less.....EMPTY......
Nobody could figure out why it would seem this way, already in attendance was Kyler Luckey, whose favorite pony was Pinkie Pie. A native from Texas who had moved to Missouri right before school started in August, Kyler was against cursing, most likely because of his strong connection with Church. But that did not stop Freddie, and well, lots of other people, from shuffling out cuss words left and right at him whenever they had the chance.
Curtis Altis, a senior who was noticeably the shortest senior at St. Clair High School, and whose favorite pony was Vinyl Scratch, or DJ P0n-3 as she was also known as; either way you look at it, that dumb bitch was his favorite pony. And yes, she is a dumb pony bitch. She can go stick a record up her 2 inch clit; and records have been out of style for 25 years, so hopefully she'll just use a bottle of 'Aussie' hair gel as an alternative. After all, 'Aussie' hair gel in the puss-puss? THAT'S gotta hurt, too. Umm, yeah. Anyway, Curtis was a short motherfucker. Midget wouldn't be the correct way of putting his size into words. Let's just say, he was as tall as an Asian man's pee-pee is short. There we go!
There was Tye Johnson, whose favorite pony was Princess Luna. Tye had moved from Arizona to St. Clair in fifth Grade; and unfortunately, had never moved back to that hot hell-hole. Fuck that place. It never even rains there. Fuck it. Yeah, fuck it. I hate that place. Wait, who is I? You cocks will never know, because this narrator is going to remain ANONYMOUS......
OkayI'mMorganFreeman.
Yup, totally anonymous. Anyway, there was also Zane Dotson, who was also short, but he's a sophomore and all those butts are short, so who cares? Zane's favorite pony was......Shit! Zane changes his favorite pony every damn week, so nobody knew as of right now.
"Hey, Zane. Whose your favorite pony as of right now?" Tye asked to the mop-haired homo.
"Bloomberg." Zane said with a troll smile, but Zane NEVER lied so of course Tye believed him. That was sarcasm, if you couldn't tell.
"Bloomberg? But....He's a tree...." Dumb dumb Tye said, letting his gullibleness, if that was a word, shine through his silhouette. Wait, but Tye doesn't HAVE a silhouette. The motherfucker ain't invisible! Pfffttttt.....Man you ain't even Algonquin, course he does!
"I KNUW." Zane said with a large grin, fully aware of his "Favorite" Character's physical appearance. "He doesn't like when you point out his flaws, either...."
"Well, I'm sorry....." Tye said, now shivering, almost like he figured Bloomberg would run up to him and shove his boot up his ass. But Bloomberg doesn't wear boo-FOOL YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GETTING AT. Don't need to WEAR boots to HAVE boots....I'M JUST SAYING!
"Yeah? Well, my favorite pony is ALSO a tree......FLUTTERSHY!" Said Nathan Bougeno. Ya know, that one creepy guy mentioned in chapter one who just interrupts the narrator when he's TRYING to make a point! I swear, I'm gonna pull some strings and have him killed off.....
"Yus! Tree ponies are best ponies!" Zane said, as both he and Nathan did an AERO-HOOF. And for all those who don't INNOVATE the bro-hoof and just stick to the bro-hoof like unoriginal scrotal-smoothies, an aero-hoof is a JUMPING bro-hoof. There, narrator just took you to College, and you didn't have to pay for it or even make your ingrate parents happy! You're nothing but welcome.
Then, there was Ashton, who, you met in the first chapter, and, as you can tell by his personality, his a grade A cum-bubble. Anyway, his favorite pony was Smosh; and Smosh isn't even a pony, so now we know this guy has tapioca for brains. Hey! At least now, a bunch of senior citizens can eat him. Well, eat his skull cavity, at least. So, that's something to look forward to.
And then, there was a girl named Jade Simanson; who wasn't a brony. She had just ran into the auditorium for no reason.
"I LIKE BATTERY ACID POURED DOWN MY MUCUS MEMBRANE." She announced to all of the bronies, and she then ran out without saying another word.
All of the bronies were dumbfounded, and didn't know what to think about the recent escapade they had just experienced. Zane, however, enjoyed that 2 second long outburst.
"I like her!" Zane said with a satisfactory look on his face, as he nodded at the period-red hair colored girl. Yup, she had taken her bloody tampon and squeezed the nutrients from it into her hair, and THAT was how she got her hair to be so red. Who knew? That must mean ginger girls lather their hair with that special "Cheeto Duste" hair shampoo. Notice the "E" in dust; that makes it look fancy....And french.....
Oh yeah. There were also a bunch of other bronies who will NOT be described because they aren't important. IN FACT, you won't hear ANY of them talk in this chapter, or ANY other chapter. If any of them DO talk, which, again, isn't likely, we'll just call them "Buttknocker *INSERT NUMBER*"
"I just DON'T get it...." Kyler said, scratching his head without a care in the world. "WHAT is so wrong with this scene?.....I feel like, a BIG part of this puzzle is missing...."
"It must be because you're all faggots who jerk off to ponies." Ashton, who was sitting in the very back blurted out as he crossed his arms, proud of himself for spouting off on the bronies.
It's just a damn shame none of them paid any attention to him.
"Didn't Ashton say Freddie and Austin would be here shortly?" Curtis asked.
"Yeah..." Ashton replied. "Five minutes ago....That's like, such a long time."
"They should've been here by now....." Tye pointed out. "Hmmmm...."
Nathan suddenly gasped. "PERHAPS THEY WERE TELEPORTED TO EQUESTRIA!"
"B-but....That's not FAIR!" Zane whined. "I'M a bigger brony than both of them COMBINED!"
"Oh no...." Curtis said, facepalming.
"Here we go..." Kyler added with a roll of his eyes. "Guys, calm down. It's not even POSSIBLE to be transported to Equestria."
"You're all idiots, in my very strong opinion." Ashton said, as he was most certainly NOT pleased with how this meeting was going to far. He was FORCED to come here, anyway. And now, his time was being wasted.
"Then WHY aren't they here?!" Nathan replied with frustration in his voice. "It's the ONLY logical explanation! They're in Equestria, frolicking with ponies, while me and Zane should be there licking their hindquarters!"
Ashton's eyes now bulged. "I KNEW it......Horse fuckers....Ewwwwwwwwwwww........"
"WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THIS!" Tye yelled. "Just THESE two!"
"Oh BALONEY!" Zane replied, waving Tye's accusation off. "EVERY single ONE of you want to fuck a pastel horse until 6 gallons of blood pour out of their eyeballs!"
By now, Ashton was covering his ears, trying to unhear everything he had just heard. "STOP, PLEASE! MY EARS CAN'T TAKE ALL OF HIS FAGGINESS!"
"No, we DON'T." Curtis firmly denied. "Now sit down, you fools. I'm sure Freddie and Austin we'll be here in no time...."
"Hmph." Nathan said, as he and Zane slumped back into their seats with grumpy looks on their faces. "Fine, but when they get back to Earth, I am going to KILL them for playing with the ponies in the field when they had a PERFECTLY good chance to RUT them!"
"I second that." Zane said with a nod. "Ponies were created by GOD on the seventh day to fulfill ALL of our sexual needs!"
Tye sighed. "Kyler, is there ANYTHING about that in the Bible?"
Kyler's left eye twitched at just the THOUGHT something as screwed up as THAT being in The Holy Bible, GOD's journal, the greatest book ever devised, whatever you want to call it. "Thankfully, NO. But, "The Idiot's Guide to Un-recreational Thoughts"? It's guaranteed." Curtis laughed at this, but Zane and Nathan didn't seem too pleased.
"Screw you!" Zane shot back. "We already sat down! Enough with this slander!"
"I never said WHO the idiots were...." Kyler replied.
Zane and Nathan were now confused. They gave each other hopeful looks that Kyler was NOT referring to them. "Us?" They asked the same time.
Kyler nodded. "You know it."
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
*Technical difficulties.....Fucking retards fucking shit up....Let's move this along....*
Meanwhile.......
As Mrs. Lampkin was about to leave the school to go home, since the day was over, and she no longer had any other fulfillments to give to St. Clair High School today, she could notice out of the corner of her right eye that Freddie and Austin, the same two boys she had a new-found lust for, were about to drive off in Freddie's mom's 1995 Ford Taurus.
Mrs. Lampkin gasped, and ducked, even though it was highly unlikely the two would even see her, as they didn't pay attention to anyone to the side of them, because it's the SIDE. Nothing is EVER going on to EITHER of your sides. That's right, sides are boring and useless, in my opinion. Fuck the side of things.
"I should go follow them....." Mrs. Lampkin thought aloud, licking her lips at just HOW she would teach her favorite students when she got the chance. She was a bit upset they had dodged her like some creepy bullet trying to pierce through their skin. Perhaps she had advanced to quickly on them?
"Ha! No way!" Mrs. Lampkin quickly dismissed that thought. "I'm a noticeably gorgeous woman THROWING myself at them! How could they NOT want me? Were they LYING about wanting to learn more about sex?" Mrs. Lampkin frowned. "No......That's IMPOSSIBLE. My lessons are the BEST around! Well, actually, I've never TAUGHT a lesson quite like the one I just tried to teach in there.....Hmmm...Either way! When I DO teach it, I just KNOW it's going to be what they were looking for! Poor darlings had a hard week at school, and what kind of CARING teacher would I be to give them my body when they are already SOOOOOO tired? I wouldn't be caring at all, that's the thing! It's a good thing I actually AM caring, and would do ANYTHING to make sure my students don't feel left in the dark about the subjects I teach! Why, I am sure to be a SHOE-IN for teacher of the y-"
Hey, Mrs. Slutkin.....The car drove off 45 seconds ago.....
Mrs. Lampkin then looked back in the direction that crappy old Ford Taurus was parked, and her eyes went emotionless when she realized the car was gone; as it possibly had been gone for a long time....
"GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!" Mrs. Lampkin gritted her teeth, and started her car up in record speed. "I can't BELIEVE I let them get away!" She then began to drive off at 60 miles per hour, swerving past multiple cars at a time, trying to catch up to that out of date gas guzzler. "I find it cute that Freddie's mom still drives him home, though! Teacher's are kind of like mother's, as well. The knowledge we feed them is like the milk Freddie sucked from his mother's mammary glands from a young age-well," Mrs. Lampkin then giggled. "Before too long, Freddie will be sucking MY mammary glands. I'll make sure he doesn't hog all of my "milk" up, because Austin deserves to get a fair amount of time with my breasts, as well! And then, I'll nurture their beautiful minds until they are at nothing but their fullest potential. And then, they will announce me, Mrs. Markie Lampkin, as their official overseer of all things school-related! I mean, I could help them with ANYTHING they need help with, because I am just that versatile as a teacher; you have to be when you care as much as I do!"
Goddammit this is getting tedious....It's just a bitch saying a bunch of dialogue......Fuck it, she'll be built up more and more as time goes along; she just needs to shut up so we can move on with the story. I mean, she can say this shit NEXT chapter. Agree? No? HAWELLFUCKYOU.
Meanwhile.....
"Okay. So it's OBVIOUS they aren't coming today...." Ashton said, referring to Austin and Freddie and their dumb asses not being at the meeting when they SAID they would be. "Can I PLEASE go home now?"
"NO!" Tye replied, pointing at Ashton in a way that made it look like he wanted him to apologize for even suggesting such a thing. "But you're right, Ashton. Freddie and Austin ARE NOT here."
"THAT'S WHAT I JUST FUCKING SAID." Ashton said in an annoyed voice.
"But.....How can we do a meeting without them?" Brody, who had just came in, but nobody had noticed he hadn't been there either because nobody likes Brody said with a sniffle. "Freddie STARTED all of this....."
Curtis sighed. "We'll just have to do the ceremonies WITHOUT him or Austin....."
"B-but.....It just....Doesn't seem right....." Brody replied with a sad look on his face. "ALL Bronies must be in attendance at a meeting, or else NO meeting. At least, that's what I think."
"Are you suggesting we......CANCEL this meeting?" Zane asked. Immediately, everyone in the room gasped, even Ashton, although his gasp was a mock of everyone else's gasp.
"HUUUUUHHHHH. HUUUUUUUH. HUUUUUUUUHHHH. Holy crap, you freaks even GASP weird!" Ashton complained, but once again, it seemed the bronies only paid attention to him when he said something that was even the SLIGHTEST bit enthusiastic. "Hey! Pay attention to me, dicks!"
"Y-yes...." Brody hesitantly answered. "We should cancel. It's not right to go on without the two biggest pieces of our puzzle."
"Perhaps we SHOULD consider it....." Tye said, rubbing his chin with his index finger because apparently he does that constantly.
"Oh.....Thank you guys!" Brody said with a sudden gleeful smile. "So, I guess I'll see you all next week?"
Just then, all of the bronies looked at Brody with a sudden glint of mischievousness in their eyes.
"W-why are you guys looking at me like that for?" Brody asked, now suddenly concerned with the look he was receiving from EVERY single person. Even Ashton had that same look on his face, just for the merit of having that same look on his face.
Without another word, the bronies all picked up Brody, and proceeded to toss him out of the auditorium. To say Brody was shocked, would be an understatement.
"Yes, you'll see us next week, Brody!" Nathan said.
"Same brony time, same brony place!" Tye said with a cackle as he shut the double doors.
Brody then heard a sharp click, meaning the doors had been locked. He quickly ran to the other side of the hallway to see if the alternate opening was an option, but his heart nearly cracked when he heard that same click JUST as he had approached the door.
"Pony feathers...." Brody sadly said, as there was nothing better to do now than go home and cry himself to sleep.
Meanwhile, back inside, nobody seemed to care about Brody's sudden misfortune. What bastards these people are. And to THINK, THEY are the future of America.....
We're fucked.
"Finally, you guys do something I agree with!" Ashton said with a small smirk playing on his face.
"Now," Tye said. "Freddie may not be here, but we came here to discuss PONIES. And by Celestia's flowing main, we WILL talk about ponies!" Every brony simultaneously cheered at the statement. Ashton just waved his index finger around in the air, as he wasn't excited in the least. He was only there because he SAID he'd be there.
"I guess I'll lead our discussions for today." Tye suggested. "Anybody object?"
"It doesn't matter, because either way, whoever does it, it's gonna suck." Ashton complained, but he pulled out a miniature rage when once AGAIN, the bronies pretended he didn't even exist. Ashton LOVED attention; be it positive, or negative. But now, he wasn't getting ANY attention, and that pissed him off to NO end.
"Alright, then!" Tye said enthusiastically, running up to the custom made rainbow painted podium made SPECIFICALLY for these meetings, and nothing else. "Let's get started! Personally, for me, I have a feeling, that this is going to be our BEST meeting yet! Filled with nothing but high composure and happy thoughts...."
6.23 seconds later.....
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Buttknocker 1 screamed as he began clawing at one of the auditorium seats.
"The horror.......The horror......" Nathan sobbed as he leaned onto Zane's shoulder.
"GET AWAY FROM ME, BURGLAR!" Zane shouted as he connected with a right hook to Nathan's face, knocking him out.
"Mommy.....Mommy.....Mommy...." Buttknocker 2 repeated over and over as he rocked himself in a nearby corner. "Mommy make the bad things go away, make that bad things go away, please....." He then got kneed in the nose by Buttknocker 3; this broke it, for sure.
"EVEN YOUR MOMMY WON'T SHOW YOU MERCY IN HELL, SLIME!" Buttknocker 3 declared as he began to mercilessly pound on Buttknocker 2's already broken nose.
Tye continued to bash in the wooden floorboard's on the auditorium stage with the rainbow podium. He would throw it about 15 feet in the air countless times. Everytime it fell, another dent in the floor would be made.
Curtis jumped onto the stage, and began clawing at the rainbow paint on the podium. Layer by layer of paint continued to be scraped off onto Curtis' fingernails. After all of the paint had been scraped off, Kyler ran up to Curtis, and began to bite his nails, and swallow them whole after they were chewed off; nail, paint, and all.
"AHHHHH!!!!" Curtis screamed as his fingers gushed with blood due to Kyler's inhumane snacking on them. He had no fingernails, of course, so the blood just dripped onto the floor by the liters.
Buttknocker 4 took this opportunity to jump on the stage and lick up all of Curtis's blood because he was a vampire or some shit.
"You are a sick misinterpretation of what GOD was looking for in a human...." Kyler muttered, and he then shouted, "BE GONE WITH THEE, FOUL BEING!"
Kyler tried to get the jump on Buttknocker 4, but Buttknocker 4 was ready, as he bit Kyler right in the right testicle. Kyler doubled over in pain and fell to the floor. Buttknocker 4 and Curtis then took turns punching Kyler in the nut-sack. They would rotate and switch each testicle. Left, then right, left, then right, and so on and so forth until Kyler's "Texas Cherries" were turned into something that resembled an antioxidant that was put into V8.
"This is such bullshit...." Ashton complained as he watched all of this carnage commence, not even perturbed by it in the slightest. "I wasted my time going to this stupid meeting. There wasn't one damn THING that it had to do with ponies! All these guys are doing is practicing for their roles in the next installment of the "Fight Club" movie series. Fuck that, I'll talk about fight club if I want." Without another word, Ashton unlocked the doors to the auditorium, and was about to leave to go home, but he was blindside by Brody, who had been creeping in the shadows since being locked out. He would pounce on the first person to open those doors. Unfortunately for Ashton, he was the unlucky fuck.
Brody proceeded to strip Ashton of ALL of his clothes, and toss them into the drinking fountain that was 10 feet away from him. He dropped the tranquilizer dart he had used to knock Ashton out. Where the hell did he find a tranquilizer dart? The nurse, derp. Nurses LOVE knocking kids out and spinning their genitals in their own mouths! That's what they got their medical license for, after all!
Brody then dragged Ashton in the bathroom that was ALSO, conveniently 10 feet away from the auditorium. He placed Ashton's mouth under the soap dispenser, opened his mouth with his own two hands, and then used the tranquilizer dart to keep it open. He then squirted an excessive amount of soap into his mouth. Some, Ashton swallowed even in his unconscious state. The rest? Brody filled his mouth up with water, and used the tranquilizer dart to stir the concoction together. He then forced Ashton to spit it all up by punching him in the throat. Now, the soapy water and sludgy bubbles trickled down Ashton's nude body.
Brody then dragged Ashton into a nearby stall, took a piss that he had been hankering to take since lunch, but didn't because Brody ALWAYS took a long time to piss, and he needed to get class, so he just held it. He then picked up Ashton's body, and sat him onto his very own porcelain throne. Both seats were up, so Ashton's posterior just slid into the urine-filled water. Brody then forcefully slammed both seats onto his legs. Brody then pulled out his duct tape that he only used for "Emergency purposes", and he duct-taped Ashton's legs around the interior of the toilet, so that when he came to, he would not be able to get back up; unless he was on steroids. In plain terms, Ashton wouldn't be getting up for a long fucking time.
Brody, satisfied with his work, did nothing but creepily cackled as he made his way to the auditorium, looking to get revenge on EVERY brony in that room for kicking him out of the meeting. Not only that, but also DISAGREEING with him.
As soon as Brody stepped foot back into the auditorium, he was dog-piled, and then, gang-raped, and then spanked by Nathan while Zane tickled his pecs with a feather. Brody pissed himself laughing but would ultimately have nightmares for a month from being spanked by Nathan.
And then, all of a sudden, everybody realized they were humans and not some fucked up characters derived from a Stephen King film, or novel. Either way, they were humans, and not sadists.
"Wow.....Ummmm...This looks bad...." Kyler said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. He couldn't figure out why he just did what he just did. Did the power of Christ compel him?
"Yeaaahhhh....." Curtis said, wanting to go home and never have this situation get brought up again. "Sorry about all of that, Brody...."
Brody just waved this off, like he was used to getting gang raped or something. "Eh, it's no big deal, guys. This type of stuff happened at Eureka ALL the time...." Damn, I just guessed, too. I'm beast.
"I say we just go home, and forget this ever happened. Tye said. "We aren't cut out to run these meetings without Freddie. You were right, Brody."
"I'm glad you guys FINALLY see it my way...."
"Yup! And it only took a crap-load of carnage, too!" Zane said, trying to laugh this situation off. Meanwhile, inside, even someone as perverted as Zane Dotson was bawling.
Kyler then cleared his throat, meaning Zane should shut up. "Yyyyyeeaaahhhhh......Bye!"
Every brony then ran home to rethink their lives. Meanwhile, Ashton had woke up in the bathroom.
"G-guys....? Can anybody help me out here? I'm covered in soapy bubbles, my legs are taped to this toilet....Oh god....I'm in a toilet! BLOODY HELL! I'VE GOT PISS ON ME! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!"
The school janitor, Marty was whistling a catchy tune as he ignored Ashton's cries for help. He walked into the auditorium to clean it up. It usually never NEEDED to be cleaned, but ho FUCK, was today a special day.....
With one look at the disheveled mess the auditorium had been deduced to, and one blink of his eye, Marty, had made up his mind. "I'm not cleaning this shit." He then locked the doors, and continued to whistle that same catchy tune as earlier.
"H-hey! I hear someone whistling....Whoever that is, please help me! H-hey.....The whistling stopped...." Realization then settled in for Ashton Wall. "NO! PLEASE! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE TO DIE! I HAVE A SCHNAUZER AT HOME THAT LIKES TO LAY ON MY SHOULDERS! DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I HAVE TO LIVE FOR?!" He then started to sob uncontrollably. "WON'T SOMEBODY SAAAAAVEEE MEEEEEE!?!??!"
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WALK IT OFF, GIRL-PANTS.
Meanwhile.....
Cash Saver.....
Before Freddie and Austin could go home to their DELICIOUS Domino's pizza, they had to stop at Cash Saver. Because Freddie and Austin were two teenagers, and while Austin didn't eat like a pig, he HAD to eat. Ya know, so he could live...? Yeah, there's always that factor floating around. So they were at Cash Saver to buy a crap-load of food (Junk-food of course), and gorge on it whenever they felt it was necessary.
"I'm going to go pick out a bunch of chips for you boys," Freddie's Mom said. Yup, that's her name, Freddie's Mom; and that's just how it is. "Why don't you two look around a bit?"
"Okay, mom." Freddie said as he already had begun to think about ice-skating with Morgan Manning, and then taking her back to his hotel afterwards to show her his "Sk8er boi." Ha! Get it? Cuz it's an Avril Lavinge song and-Dammit THEY'RE GONNA FUCK!!!!!
"Yes, Mrs. Hediger." Austin said as Freddie's Mom walked off with their cart.
"You know, we're going to have to discuss all the shit that's happened in the past hour when we get home." Freddie pointed out.
Austin sighed. "Unfortunately, we do.....We need a gameplan...."
Freddie nodded in agreement. "Hell yeah, we do....." For some odd reason, Freddie stopped what he was saying when he saw a hot ass out of the corner of his eye at the fruit section.
Austin noticed his friend's gawking, and rolled his eyes. "You've already got Morgan....Isn't that enough?"
"First off, I don't HAVE Morgan...." He then smiled. "Yet....Secondly, I am a teenage boy....When I see a hot ass on a WOMAN, not a MAN but a WOMAN, I'll stare...."
Freddie then walked up to the woman, and thank GOD it was a woman as Freddie could tell, and decided to strike up a friendly conversation with her about....Well, his real plan was to push over a cantaloupe and out of the kindness of this hottie's heart, she would bend over and pick it up, thus giving Freddie a fantastic view of her rear. But no, the dumbass had to TALK first because he had no idea what he was doing.
"So....Ummm...I see you're at the fruit section...." He began as he rolled some nearby tangerines in their crate. "What's your favorite kind of fruit? Ya know, I'm just curious....."
The woman giggled, and Freddie took notice of how SEXY her giggle was. But when the woman turned to face Freddie, he shat bricks, and when he shat bricks, he fell backwards into the cantaloupe's, knocking them all over; one of them even fell onto one of his nuts.
Mrs. Lampkin gasped. "Freddie! Are you okay?" She then helped Freddie up and he griped in pain.
Freddie couldn't help but smile at his Health teacher, she was just....So pretty. Crazy, but beautiful. But he couldn't believe SHE was here! He couldn't believe he didn't take note of the red jump-suit this "Mysterious" woman was wearing. He never thought for a moment, perhaps that was HER! WHO THE FUCK ELSE WEARS A RED JUMP-SUIT?! NOBODY! Cuz that combination of clothing.....IS FUCKING ATROCIOUS!
"I am now...." Freddie replied, as he took one deep, happy sigh of relief.
Mrs. Lampkin gasped again when Austin came up to Freddie's side. Austin was sweating because he had HOPED he wouldn't run into this woman....Well, possibly EVER again!
"Hi there, Austin! Wooooww.....I never expected to see you BOTH here at once!" Of course, she was lying, as the crazy bitch FOLLOWED them to Cash Saver, but there was no way Freddie and Austin could've known that. "Are you two having a sleepover?"
Freddie and Austin blushed at the word "sleepover." Only 8 year olds would call "hanging out with someone" a "sleepover." It was forbidden for ALL teenagers, no matter the gender.
"We're just hanging out, Mrs. Lampkin...." Freddie said with a nervous chuckle.
"That is so CUTE!" Mrs. Lampkin replied with a wide smile. "I think it's great that you two have such a strong friendship! I sincerely hope, nothing EVER tries to break the iron clad bond that you two have!"
"Even though you were trying to break that bond not even an hour ago...." Austin thought angrily.
"Hehe. Thank you for the support, Lamppost." Freddie replied.
"Oh! But how could I NOT support my two FAVORITE students? Everything you two do will ALWAYS get a thumbs up from me! But, to answer your question, Freddie.....My favorite fruit, is the banana...."
"Oh god...." Freddie thought. "A hot woman, holding a banana? And HERE come the dirty thoughts!"
"W-why a banana?" Austin asked.
"I'm glad you asked, Austin!" Mrs. Lampkin replied. "Well, not only does it contain Potassium, an important resource for your body, but, it also reminds me of my FAVORITE part of the human body....."
Freddie gulped, knowing where his Health teacher was going, and knowing this would be a STUPID question to ask. "W-which body part....."
"The penis." Mrs. Lampkin said like it was the only word she said 24/7. "I just LOVE the way the penis looks....How it's structured....The fact they can come in all different shapes and size, and COLORS! I LOVE variety! I love what the penis represents, and what the penis can do for a woman....Not ONLY pleasure them, but the penis can bring human life into the world. A living, breathing, human being! It's so incredible how it works.....Oh, and not to mention, the TASTE! Mmmmmm! I know what you boys are thinking...."How can a PENIS taste great?" Well, while I wouldn't recommend two STRAIGHT young men like yourselves to stick a penis into your mouth, if you think REALLY hard, very VERY hard....You can make a penis, taste like ANYTHING you want...."
"REALLY????" Austin and Freddie asked at the same time, SOMEHOW interested in this whole spiel about.....Penis. What were they? Gay? Freddie going out with Morgan? It's OBVIOUSLY just a ploy on the art of him so we don't THINK he's nothing more than a homo. What a fuck he is. A sneaky, clever fuck.
"Oh yes! It's called Peniscology!" Mrs. Lampkin explained. "Of course, I ALWAYS make sure the penis in my mouth tastes like Bananas. Nothing tastes as good as bananas!"
Freddie WANTED to disagree with that statement, but when a sexy chica is holding a banana in her grasp, you'd NORMALLY tend to agree with her. "I can't disagree with you on that!" Austin nodded in response.
Mrs. Lampkin giggled. "Well, since you two boys not only seem so interested in Peniscology, but also learning about sex, would you mind if I showed you how I give a blowjob?"
"Daaayuuummm..." Freddie thought. "She works fast! Almost TOO fast...."
"I don't think that's a good idea!" Austin immediately blurted out. Mrs. Lampkin looked sad by this.
"Y-yeah....I mean, I'm sure you give a MEAN blow-job Lamppost, it's just......I don't feel comfortable with pulling down my pants in HERE of all pla-"
Freddie was interrupted by Mrs. Lampkin's laughter. "Oh, boys! Yes, my offer still stands about me teaching you all you need to know about the human body....But....In HERE? No, no, no, no, no....This isn't the place for that....I was just going to demonstrate on this banana...."
Freddie and Austin gave eachother nervous look. Should they REALLY condone a Health teacher to peel open a banana and start sucking on it right in Cash Saver? What if Freddie's Mom caught them? And also, just what the FUCK happened to the "You lick it you buy it" policy?!
"W-well....I guess it's....Harmless enough..." Austin said as he was starting to wish they would have never even CAME to Cash Saver today.
Freddie wanted to see Mrs. Lampkin go to town on a banana more than ANYTHING, he was just worried about the consequences of such a thing....Didn't Mrs. Lampkin WORRY about getting caught doing something like this?
"Ah....Fuck it!" Freddie thought. "You only live once, anyway!"
"If you're worried about how the banana feels about this.....Well, don't. Bananas don't have feelings, boys!" Mrs. Lampkin reassured with a troll face.
"Yeah, because I didn't know that already...." Austin thought.
"You're right, Lamppost!" Freddie said with REAL enthusiasm. "Show that banana what real women are made of!"
Mrs. Lampkin now grew a sinister expression on her face. "Oh.....I INTEND to...." She then unpeeled the banana, and began her demonstration.
"Well, first, I start out by VERY slowly licking the tip with my tongue, like so...." Mrs. Lampkin then began to lick the tip of the banana with her tongue about as fast as a Turtle takes to jog a marathon.
"Uh huh...." Freddie said, his mind (and dick) now paying FULL attention to the spectacle happening in front of him.
"Then, I SLOOOOWWWLLLYYYY go down the shaft with my lips...." Mrs. Lampkin then began to kiss the banana once every centimeter. "After that, I begin to tickle the testicles with my tongue. And, since bananas have no testicles, well.....I'm sure you boys can put that image into your head."
"Uh huh...." Both Freddie and Austin said simultaneously. And it was TRUE, at that moment in time, the only thing plastered into both Freddie and Austin's mind, was the image of Mrs. Lampkin using her tongue as a racket to hit the "birdie's" in a game of badminton. Needless to say, Mrs. Lampkin was dominating. Freddie welcomed this image with open arms, while Austin wanted that image to back the hell off.
"Then, I twirl my tongue AAAAAALLLLLL the way around the perimeter of the penis.......HOUR and HOUR and HOUR and HOUR agay....." Mrs. Lampkin said as she pretended she was the toilet giving that banana a swirly. And yeah, she only said "HOUR and HOUR and HOUR and HOUR agay" because usually, NORMAL people can't talk right when their tongue is out. Just clarifying that Mrs. Lampkin does NOT think hours are gay! Mrs. Lampkin likes hours VERY much, actually; you're welcome.
"Then back to the top....." Mrs. Lampkin then barely slid her mouth over the banana as a teaser, like it could actually enjoy this or something.
By now, Freddie's dick had grown so much, it could pop a hole in his trousers any minute. People could see the bulge in his pants from the parking lot, and they probably were seeing it.
Austin was mesmerized, he knew it was wrong to be watching this, but, he had never actually SEEN something like this.....Surely it couldn't hurt to watch a littl longer......
"Now I wet my lips....." Mrs. Lampkin swirled her tongue around the tip of the banana a few times. "I do a little playful nibble...." She brought her two main front and two main bottom teeth down onto the VERY top of the banana, you couldn't even see it, but you KNEW she was still making contact with the banana.
"And THEN, I slip it in my mouth..." Mrs. Lampkin crammed the banana into her mouth slowly, and then brought it back out. She would continue to do this many more times, each time getting faster and faster. She was beginning to moan at how incredible it felt to be doing this in front of her two favorite students.
And suddenly, something inside Austin's mind awoke him. Something saying, "Get the fuck out of there! That crazy bitch is trying to hypnotize you with her mouth tricks! It's not worth it, man....Run!"
Freddie was in heaven watching this whole thing. His eyes were nearly glazed over, as gallons of drools were being produced by the second. Austin began to push Freddie away from the scene before he had a heat stroke. However, Freddie thought more than Austin was expecting. You'd think a horny, out of it teenager would let you push him away from something like this easily, but the testosterone inside Freddie gave him the will to fight....A lot.
In the end, no horny teenager can defeat the power of....SMART THINKING! As Austin heaved Freddie into the cereal aisle. Freddie sat down, and began to catch his breath.
"Wait!" Mrs. Lampkin said as she quickly popped the banana out of her mouth. "Boys! Come back! My demonstration wasn't over yet!" Mrs. Lampkin frowned. That felt SO good, and surprisingly, having an audience, made it even better. When was the last time she had even given a blow-job? Ugh, she couldn't remember, but that banana refreshed her memory.
Mrs. Lampkin smirked now. "Oh well, I believe they get the point....When the time does come, for class to be in session, those boys know that I can show them a good time. A better time than they EVER could have imagined." Mrs. Lampkin turned around, beginning to make her exit, but she was met with the perverted and creepy gazes of multiple men.
"Ya know..." One hick with a piece of straw in his mouth (because it's Missouri.) said. "Ah really enjoyed yur performance. Ya'll don't have to stop so soon. Them boys don't undastand what you just showed them......BUT AH DO."
"I would give you the world and everything that came with it if you can suck OTHER things as good as you just sucked that banana....." Another creepy guy said.
"HURR HURR SUCK MAH DIK, HURR HURR." Another uneducated bumpkin said as his eyes spun around in circles.
That one hick elbowed THAT hick in the gut, whispering to him to "play it cool." "Uhhhh....Little missy what he MEANT to say WAS....Ah mean, ya'll can always continue yur performance on US."
Mrs. Lampkin rose an eyebrow. "You want me to pretend your penises are BANANAS?" All of the men frantically shook their heads at once. "Who do you think I am, a Brothel employee? You're all disgusting pigs....I'm MARRIED!"
"Ajeeeuhhh....Da wut?" One hick said. "Murried?"
"Yes! Aren't all of you married?" All of the men shook their heads. "Ugh! Pathetic! Go home and tell your wives to do that to you!" Mrs. Lampkin said as she began to walk away.
"But......OUR WIVES ARE UGLEH!" One hick screamed, but Mrs. Lampkin was already out of Cash Saver.
"DAMMIT, Cletus! Ya'll dun scared that purty lady away with your "SUCK MAH DIK" talk!"
"Wuuuuuuuutttttt? Ah was tryin' to get us laid! Women like a DIRECT approach, HURR HURR."
"YOU DUMB SUMMA BITCH! SHE AIN'T A WHORE OR NUDDIN'!"
"Well, she WAS sucking on a banana in front of two MINORS...." Smart but also creepy guy said.
"STAY OUTTA THIS, POIIINNNDEEEXXTTEERR. AH WOULDA GOT LAID IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS IDJIT."
"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut did ya just call meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh?"
"AH CALLED YA'LL AN IDJIT!"
"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttttttttt did ya-"
"IDJIT!"
"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt did-"
"IDJIT!!!!"
"WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"
"YA'LL IS A GODDAMN IDJIT! A GOOD FUR NUDDIN' IDJIT!"
That "Wut" hick just blank. "That's what ah THOUGHT ya'll just called meh......" There was a pause, and then, those two hicks threw uppercuts at eachother at the same time. Then, sooner or later, another hit took smarty guy down to the ground, and within a minute, all the other hicks were scrapping. A Pier 6 brawl that could not be contained at erupted at Cash Saver. What else is new?
A random hobo came out of nowhere, and noticed the banana, unpeeled, and uneaten by this eyes on the floor.
"Hmmmmm........This must be my lucky day!" He said with a wide smile and he jammed the banana into his mouth and swallowed it, peel and all, without even chewing.
All of the hicks had stopped fighting, and looked at the hobo licking his lips.
"Dat.....Dat summa bitch ATE that banana...." One hick said in a whisper with a tear in his eye.
"Wh.....Wh....WHA WOULD HE DOOOOOOOOO THAT?"
"Cuz he's a no good.....Banana eatin' IDJIT!"
"Yeh! Let's git 'em!"
At once, all of the hicks ran over to the hobo. The hobo smiled, thinking they were going to pay him some much needed tribute.
"Spare some chhaaannn-" But the hobo never got to say the hobo's signature catchphrase, as all of the hicks and the smarty guy had dog-piled onto him and were now beating the crap out of him.
"YA'LL ATE THE BANANA DAT PURTY LADY LICKED ON!"
"IS YA'LL STOOPED?! YA'LL GETTIN' AIDS NOW!"
"IDJIT! IDJIT! IDJIT! IDJIT!"
"Would you STOP crying before your mom gets back?" Austin whispered, trying to calm Freddie down.
"B-but.....She was just about to reach her climax, too!" Freddie sobbed.
"Something tells me she was FAR from over...." Austin said as he rolled his eyes.
"B-but....You enjoyed it! It took you FOREVER to drag me away! H-how could you DO that?!"
Austin facepalmed. "Oh please.....You would have fainted if you had been there another second....I mean, look at you! You're still sweating!"
"So many dreams...." Freddie whispered.
"What?" Asked Austin, who didn't know what Freddie meant by that.
"So many dreams.....I've watched Mrs. Lampkin suck on a banana, waiting, WAITING for the day I'd get to witness it in the flesh.....TODAY was that day.....And you RUINED it!"
Austin sighed. "How was it, though?"
"IT WAS GLORIOUS." Freddie said with wide eyes. "Better than I ever could have imagined......"
"Well, hey, at least you got to see it." Austin said, trying to look on the bright side.
"It's not enough....." Freddie said with a heavy sigh. "I'm gonna have to bring a banana to school on Monday..."
"That doesn't sound like a good idea..." Austin said, giving Freddie shifty eyes.
"What? TO EAT, DIP-WAD!"
Austin just stared at Freddie, not believing a word he was saying, and for good reason.
"Okay, maybe not!" Freddie finally admitted. "But still......Yeah! I'm doing it! You're not my mom! UP YOUR ASS, PALLY!"
"Better stop cussing..." Austin warned in a whisper. "Here comes your mom...." Goosebumps immediately spread across Freddie's arms, as he didn't want to be caught with all that garbage spewin' outta his mouth. Then he'd have to chew some Orbit. Eeeeewww, Orbit......
"Strange...." Freddie's Mom said, examining the hicks and smart guy who were now biting on the hobo's nipples erratically. "Wonder why all of those men are fighting...."
"Don't know, mom..." Freddie replied with a shrug. "Let's just go home....Violence scares me."
"Oh you freaking liar...." Austin thought.
It's like he knows.....
A few hours later.....
The Hediger Household.....
"Hey Fred!" Freddie repeated as he read a message someone had sent him. Who was it? Shut up, piss-foot! I ain't telling you because this way it establishes a sheer force of surprise. "Looks like my dad won't let me drive anywhere outside of St. Clair. :( Well, he said he would drive me there, either way. Can you get your mom or dad to drive you there?"
If you haven't figured it out, that message was from Morgan Manning. Of course you figured it out, though, because it's called CONTINUITY....And this story HAS IT.
"You should go ask them." Austin suggested as he continued to play "The Walking Dead."
Freddie gritted his teeth. He could hear his mom and dad from inside the confines of his room, and it sounded like they were having a heated argument. They had at least one argument a day, Freddie's parents did. It usually lasted 2 minutes, and then, it fizzled out. Freddie's parents weren't BAD parents....I guess you could say.....They never shut their damn mouths.
Freddie sighed. "Alright, I'm going in...." Freddie opened the door, and of course, the constant nagging got louder. It didn't help that Freddie's dad was already drunk....It wasn't even 6 P.M. yet, and the bastard was already drunk! That's smarts.
"Mom! Dad!" Freddie yelled louder than his parents ever could have imagined.
"Yes, Freddie?" Mom said in an innocent voice, almost like she WASN'T bursting her throat vessels a few seconds ago.
"Can you take me to Skaterz tomorrow? At around 5?"
"Nuh uh..." Dad said, belching loudly. "I don't have a license...." His speech was slurred, so what actually came out, was "Ur unt uve ur hisince..."
"That's because you're always drunk!" Mom yelled.
"Eh.....Shut up, bitch!" Dad yelled back.
"This is such a lost cause...." Freddie thought. With a sigh, he wandered back into his room and shut the door.
"Well?" Austin asked. "Did you get an answer?"
"Nope. It's a war-zone out there...." Austin chuckled. "I'll get it tomorrow...."
Freddie then began to type back to Morgan. "My mom says yes. The date is still on."
Moments later, Morgan replied back. "Good. :) I can't wait."
"Me either...." Freddie typed with dreamy eyes. And really, he FELT like he was in a dream. He was to go on a date with the most beautiful girl in the world tomorrow. This COULDN'T have been real....But it was....
"Let me get on Facebook." Austin said, pausing "The Walking Dead." Freddie stepped aside and let Austin log onto Facebook. "I've got one new message. Huh. Wonder who it's from....." When Austin checked, his eyes widened.
"Well, DAMN...." Freddie replied, obviously sounding jealous. "Why doesn't Mrs. Lampkin EVER message me?"
"I wouldn't doubt that you'll be getting a message from her shortly...." Austin pointed out. "She seems obsessed with BOTH of us now...."
"I'll be waiting....." Freddie read aloud. "Awww....And then she gives you a winky face! That's precious!"
"Freddie, this is serious...." Austin said, glaring at Freddie.
Freddie sighed. "I know, I know...."
"I have to go to the bathroom. I don't feel like being on Facebook right now, it's tainted...." Austin said as he left the room.
A sly smile grew on Freddie's face. He sat down, and decided he would give Mrs. Lampkin a piece of "his", truthfully, Austin's, mind.
"I can't wait either, Mrs. Lampkin...." Freddie typed. "I'm going to ram you so hard...." And then, he sent it. "Oh god, when Austin finds out I typed this....I'm fucked...." Freddie then logged out of Austin's account, and logged back in to his own. He then noticed the time, it was 5:58! Less then two minutes before the Season 3 premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! Luckily, Austin would come back in with a minute to spare. Freddie already had the TV on, waiting for the cue of the greatest theme song in Cartoon history....
I troll you not, the theme song to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, is the single GREATEST theme song from any cartoon-No, ANY TV Show.....EVER! Wait, no.....COPS' theme song is awesome, too! "OH! Bad Boys!" Nah, Ponies beat those try-hard, doughnut gobblers ANY DAY!
"Oh crap!" Austin said, looking at the clock on Freddie's wall. "Good thing you were ready, because it's almost time for the show to start..."
"SHHHHHHHHHH SHUT THE FUCK UP WEHGWEFGEFGEFJ!!!!!!!"
"But the show hasn't st-"
"HUUUUUUUUUUBLUBLUFWGEFHFVEFVHGEFGKTJFAGG0T!"
Austin just sighed. "Fine I'll be-"
"MY LITTLE PONY! MY LITTLE PONY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! MY LITTLE POOONYY!!!!!!!!!!!!" Freddie began to SCREAM the theme song in his heavy metal voice, not caring if the F.B.I. was called in to detain him.
Austin shielded his ears with the pillow, but that couldn't drown out the excruciating pain his eardrums were currently going through. About 20 seconds later, the torture stopped, as Freddie breathed heavily....
"WHY WERE YOU SCREAMING THE THEME SONG?!" Austin shouted.
Freddie crossed his arms. "Hmph. There's no need to yell...."
"WHATEVER!" Austin yelled. "YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A HYPOCRITE!"
Freddie sighed with happiness. "Either way, not even your overbearing screams of terror can ruin this day.....I wish we could go to Equestria.....This world is so fucked up...."
"Well, that's true. But that's just not possible...."
"Still, though, I WISH......" Freddie clenched his eyes hard.
"So do I, actually....Just to see if it's worse there than here on earth."
"It can't be. There's no way....."
"Well, it's too bad we'll never be able to find out....."
"Yeah, it really is...." Freddie then sighed. "Oh well...We can dream, at leas-Wait WHAT THE FUCK?!" Freddie and Austin, for SOME reason, began to levitate to the top of the ceiling.
"What's going on?!" Austin shouted.
"I have no id-OH MY GOD.....WE'RE TURNING ALBINO!" Freddie added as both he and Austin's skin began to turn snow white.
"I think the Mayans may have gotten the date wrong....." Austin joked.
"THIS IS NO TIME TO JOKE, AUSTIN! We're obviously going to get our 72 virgins!"
"I thought you said no jokes..." Austin dead-panned.
"I wasn't joking! I'm serious!" Freddie replied joyfully. "72 VIRGINS....HERE WE CO-"
And before Freddie could finish his sentence, both he and Austin were dissipated off of the Earth. Where they were, was anybodies' guess. But, probably hell, since the bastards dared to doubt the power of the Norwegian Gopher Lord. Yes, that's a thing. Bing it. Wait, no one uses Bing......
.....I QUIT.
Many minutes later after them two retards stop sleeping on the job.....
Freddie felt around until he was able to pound on....Something with his fist. It felt soft, and the air around him smelled....Fresh and pure. He couldn't see shit; everything was black. He felt to the side of him, and he could feel a body. Was it Austin? One of his virgins? He hoped it was one of his virgins, but yeah, Austin'd be pretty cool too, ya know. The body turned, and mumbled something that sounded squeaky.
"Yup..." Freddie thought. "Totally Austin..." With all of his strength, Freddie was able to finally pry his eyes open. The first thing he saw, was Austin's hand beginning to touch his face. Freddie immediately jumped back.
"Hey, motherfucker! You aren't blind....You can say hello without feeling up my features!"
"Freddie? Is that you?" Austin asked, as he wasn't able to see, either. "Speak to me!"
"Wake the fuck up, mother-lover!" Freddie said, using his fingers to pry Austin's eyes open. A little harsh, I guess, BUT THE BASTARD NEEDED TO WAKE UP.
"I could've done that myself...." Austin griped, rubbing his eyes.
"Yeah, but you DIDN'T." Freddie replied, he then noticed the new form Austin had taken on..... "Holy shit......"
"YOU'RE A PONY!" The two yelled simultaneously. "Niiiiicceee..." They then said.
HAHA I TRICKED YOU GUYS BY PUTTING SENTENCES LIKE "They used their fingers" SO YOU'D THINK THEY ACTUALLY STILL HAD FINGERS HAHA YOU FELL FOR IT HAHA DUMMIES.
"But really.....Are we dreaming?!" Austin asked. "Are we actually in...?"
"There is no way!" Freddie replied. "This may LOOK like Equestria, but this could be any other hum-butt world from any other hum-butt cartoon....THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!"
"Yeah, but....WE'RE PONIES...."
"Ummmm....Side effeeeccttsss?" Freddie tried to make sense of this while shrugging.
"Freddie....."
"Yeah?"
"We're in Equestria."
"You're probably right."
"Wait...That's it? You agree with me that easily?"
"Well, we ARE ponies, dude.....There is no other logical explanation. We aren't in a damn petting zoo, we are talking, we have cutie mark-Wait....YOU don't have a cutie mark! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You're a blank flank! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAfuckingloserAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"
"You don't have one either...." Austin replied in annoyance. Freddie then sat on the ground and began to sob.
"What are we gonna DO?" Freddie asked to either Austin, or some GOD which wouldn't answer him back. "Our...Our wish came true! Even if this IS a dream, which I doubt, we're still IN Equestria! Our wish came true!"
"Wishes come true all the time, but NO wishes like this....Not only is this INCREDIBLE, but I feel....Kind of frightened...."
"I'm with you, man....The power of the wish makes my dick shrivel! I don't like this.....What are we supposed to do? WE HAVE NO CUTIE MARKS! And we're new! They'll probably cast us off as some aliens or creepy species and send us to the Gallows!"
"I don't think that cartoon ponies could be THAT mean...."
"What if Equestria isn't what is shown on MLP? What if everyone is a bunch of assholes? What if-" Freddie gasped. "What if......Twilight Sparkle....Has a different color scheme?!" Dun, dun, and another dun for good measure.
"Well, there's Pinkie Pie over there....She looks fine....."
Freddie's eyes immediately darted to the position Austin was pointing at. Freddie could see Pinkie Pie humming off into the distance.
Freddie squealed with joy. "I'M GONNA GO HUG HER. LATER!"
"Wait!" Austin yelled in whisper form. "We have to formulate a plan! We can't just go running into town like we own the place? We don't have cutie marks....Remember?"
"FUCK CUTIE MARKS PRETTY PONE MUST HUG BYE." Freddie jumbled up all of those words together as he trotted towards Pinkie Pie. NEVER try to stop Freddie from hugging cute pone; he'll just blow you off like a piece of lint on a iguana's dick. Hmmmm...That made little to no sense at all, but it sounds so right that I'm going with it.
Pinkie Pie stopped hopping, and turned her head when she saw this random pony she had never seen before barreling towards her.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name? Are you new in to-"
Pinkie was interrupted by being tackled to the ground by Freddie. Freddie was about to hug the bouncy pony harder than he had ever hugged anything else, but he never got the chance, as Pinkie mistook this gesture as a threat, she yelled out, "AAAAAHHH! Somepony help me! This colt is trying to murder meeeeeeeee!"
"What? M-murder you.....No! I just wanted to hug-"
Freddie would never speak another sentence again, as he died from unknown reasons.
LOLNOPE.
Hours later.......
Freddie awoke to the rattling of chains. Who was making that noise? And once again, for the second time in a matter of hours, Freddie couldn't see a damn thing.
"I think he's awake...." Freddie could hear a voice, which sounded like Rainbow Dash's.
"Stand your ground, girls; these two are obviously HIGHLY dangerous...." He heard another voice, which sounded like Twilight Sparkle's.
"Wait....Two?" Freddie thought. "Did they capture Austin, as well?" Freddie KNEW it! Equestria was full of nothing more than a bunch of ASSHOLES!
"And worst of ALL...." Freddie thought. "I didn't even get my 72 virgins!"
------TO BE CONTINUED------
