Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)

Chapter 3: Apples, Apples, Apples!

The following morning, Biff woke up to the smell of breakfast. When he got to the table, he wondered briefly how Fluttershy could manage to make such an elaborate meal without thumbs, but he decided to let it slide. His mind was on magic, which she had said only unicorns could control. As mind-blowingly spectacular as their sudden and improbable sex had been, he knew that at some point he would have to return home. If nothing else, there was a movie coming out next summer that he wanted to see.

“What I'd really like, Fluttershy,” he said in between bites of toast, “is to meet a unicorn who can restore my memory, give me some lottery numbers, and send me home.”

“It just so happens that one of my best friends is one of the most powerful unicorns around. I'm sure she'll be able to help!”

He considered that great news, no matter how unlikely it seemed. “Fantastic! Why don't we leave as soon as we finish eating?”

“Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. Some of my animals are sick. Angel said something about a containment breach, whatever that is. I can give you directions to get to Twilight's home, though!” She gave him not only directions, but a map with a couple of routes marked. One of the choices would take a little bit longer to travel, but was much less complicated. When he told her which one he chose, she happily explained that this would take him past the home of another friend of hers, a pony named Applejack. “If you liked my cooking, you would absolutely love her Granny's! I bet they'd be happy to trade you a hearty lunch in exchange for a little work on the farm.”

They finished breakfast, promised to see each other again, and he set out on the road. Before too long, Biff found himself ambling along a low fence that separated the road from an apple orchard. A few minutes after that, he reached a turn-off into the apple farm. Immediately after he stepped through the arch that marked the property line, he heard a high-pitched yelp with a country twang. “Applejack! Come quick! A minotaur has had a horrible accident!” A knee-high whirlwind knocked him into a nearby pile of hay, then resolved itself into a tiny pony wearing a bright red bow. “Just relax, mister, we'll help you as best we can.” She then continued on, but was obviously muttering only to herself. “I wonder what a cutie mark in deformed beast first aid would look like.”

“Well, throw me in a blender and call me a smoothie! That don't look like no minotaur I've ever seen!” Based on Fluttershy's description, Biff was sure that this was Applejack. “Calm down, Apple Bloom, he don't even look injured, whatever he is.”

“I'm a human. Fluttershy thought I should stop by on my way into town.”

“A what? Never mind, that don't matter none. If you're friends with Fluttershy, you're friends with the Apple Family.” Applejack helped him to his feet with a surprisingly strong hoof. “Now, why don't you tell us what we can do for you?”

The Apples were happy to extend their hospitality, and though he was assured he didn't owe them anything in return, Biff was happy to help out with the chores. Lunch was every bit as good as he had been promised, and he even stuck around afterward to help them finish up. Thanks to his hands, the day's work was done much sooner than expected. It was only mid-afternoon when he was walking back to the house, thinking about the good food, the healthy exercise, the warm feeling he got from helping... and the admiring glances he had been getting the whole time from four different ponies.

Applejack greeted him at the door and somehow managed to wrap her tail around his waist. “We sure are grateful for your help, Biff. If you don't make it home, we could use you around here. There's nothing like finishing early! If you're not in a hurry to get to Twilight's place, I'd like to show you something.”

Before she could continue, a screechy demand came from upstairs. “Applejack! You send that Biff up here right away!” Granny Smith sounded urgent. Biff was confused, as he had only exchanged a few pleasantries with her during lunch, including complimenting her cooking. She had been indoors all day while he was out working with Applejack and her siblings. He shrugged and made his way to the stairs.

A shocking site greeted Biff in the upstairs hallway: Granny Smith was facing away from him with her hind legs spread, her front legs crouched, and her tail whipping back and forth. “Since you were so helpful to the family, I wanted to thank you properly. If you liked lunch, you're really going to like dessert. Have some pie!”

Biff's brain briefly warred with his treacherous boner, and lost. It's not like it would be the first time I banged an octogenarian. He reached for his belt, but wasn't able to unbuckle it before he was frozen by a shout from behind him. “GRANNY SMITH! What are you doing?” Applejack didn't sound happy at all. A turf war ensued, but in the spirit of family togetherness, Applejack and Granny Smith soon agreed that they would both thank their helpful visitor. Unfortunately, in the short time it took for their spit-covered hoofshake, Biff had been roughly pulled through a doorway and shoved onto a bed.

“I want you to be my first. I bet I can get a cutie mark in xenophilia.” Her sudden attack of vocabulary was even more surprising than the fact that she had been able to haul him around despite her small size. As he tried to think of the last time he had even heard that word, she leapt up, straddled his chest, and started pulling on his shirt with her teeth.

This, of course, had given her elders more than enough time to catch up with them. “Apple Bloom, you stop that right this instant! Me and Granny Smith got dibs on him! Besides, this kind of thing is for big ponies.”

“I am a big pony!” Apple Bloom snapped over her shoulder. She turned back to Biff, glared at him, held up a threatening hoof, and asked “Right?”

He kept his eyes on her as he nervously nodded. “She am a big pony.”

“Anyway, I saw him first!” The others couldn't argue with that logic, so all of them decided he would have to be shared. He was quickly stripped of his clothing by two sets of teeth and one of dentures.

Granny Smith apologized for not being as young as she once was, saying that she used to be a lot prettier. To demonstrate, she pressed her hooves against her face and pulled her skin tight. Biff was suddenly inspired, and sent Apple Bloom to retrieve his backpack from downstairs. When she returned, he pulled out a roll of duct tape; Granny Smith was happy to go along with his solution. As he put the last strip in place, they heard a deep throat-clearing sound from the doorway.

This was the first noise that Biff had heard all day from Big Macintosh. In fact, he hadn't been sure if the stallion was more deserving of the nickname of “Silent Bob” or “the quiet Beatle”. Either way, he had certainly earned the adjective “big”, reminding Biff that he wanted to see the giant redwoods of California some day.

“Let me guess: you're gay.”

“Eenope.”

“So you've been having sex with your family and this is a territory thing?”

“Eenope.”

“You're straight, but you're here for me anyway?”

“Eeyup.”

“Well, I normally don't swing that way, either. Tell you what, why don't you come on in here for the sake of completeness. I want to be able to say I bagged the whole family. Are you cool with that?”

“Eeyup!”

The five of them spent the rest of the day doing things that would have made baby Celestia cry.