Chapters Candy Apples: Crackshipping Applejack and Bon Bon
Lyra held the truffle in her magic and licked her lips slowly. Bon Bon may have had a few personal issues, but nopony could deny that she made the most excellent chocolates in this quarter of Equestria. And Lyra was more than willing to work for her if she provided truffles every time she went on break.
Ok, truffle. Singular, as in just one. And her breaks were few and far between. But still. They'd been friends forever, and Lyra really didn't mind giving her a helping hoof around the shop.
Extending her tongue, she licked the truffle and smiled as the taste of exquisite chocolate flickered over her tongue. Truffles like these didn't come along very often (that means that although Bon Bon was a professionalist who wouldn't stop until they were perfect, Bon Bon was also a lazy slacker who hated taking the time to actually make them right) and so needed to be savored. Lyra opened her mouth and held it close, ready to be taken away into a universe of chocolatey paradise.
Unfortunately, the universe she was currently in had other plans. Or maybe it was just jealous.
Either way, right at that moment, Bon Bon burst into the room, and the opening door clipped Lyra right on the horn, disrupting the magic and sending the chocolate falling right onto the ground..
“My truffle!” Lyra whined, rubbing her horn.
“It'll be fine, five second rule and such,” Bon Bon said dismissively as she walked right by the distraught unicorn. She carried a roll of papers under one leg. “I've got big plans for the future of my shop! Big plans, I say!”
Lyra lifted her truffle and tried to wipe it off. Luckily, Bon Bon always had her sweep every so often, so the floor was fairly dust free, but still. She weighed her options. Eat it, or not?
“Don't you want to hear about my big plans?” Bon Bon asked.
Lyra sighed and popped the truffle into her mouth. She had a feeling she was going to need it. “I'm sure you'll tell me anyway,” she said.
“Too right I will! I'm thinking, I need to expand my horizons a bit. Try something new. Be a better pony than I was before.”
Lyra opened her mouth.
“No, that doesn't mean you're getting a raise.”
Lyra shut her mouth.
“It means that I'm going to develop and sell... pause for dramatic effect... caramel apples.” Bon Bon held out her hooves, as if expecting thunderous applause.
She got a confused unicorn cocking her head instead. “What's so special about that?”
“So special about tha- Lyra! Come on! This is serious! Look. With caramel apples, I can appeal to our taste for sugar and I can claim health benefits from apples. It's perfect.”
“Isn't that cheating?” Lyra asked. “Making something sound healthier than it really is?”
“Maybe, but no one complains that the labels I put on my truffles only list a third of the actual calories either, now, do they?”
“You what ?”
“Never mind.” Bon Bon pulled out her papers and spread them all across the counter. “Just look at these plans! Genius, I say!”
Lyra knew that there were times to trust and times not to trust Bon Bon. Whenever she was dealing with chocolates and candies, though, it was usually safe to trust her. She walked closer and took a look.
“Check these out. I can make regular ones, brownie-flavored ones, cookie dough flavored ones, ones with strawberry glaze drizzled on top and—this one's my favorite so far—cheesecake caramel apples, with a gentle coating of actual cheesecake crust on the outside. Am I genius or what?” She looked up to see Lyra's reaction, and her expectant smile turned into a frown. “Are you drooling on my papers?”
“Nuh,” Lyra said, quickly wiping at her mouth.
Bon Bon swiped her papers away. “Good! Now that you're on board with my plan, go find me some apples.”
“How many?”
“Lots! These are going to sell like hotcakes!”
“Are you sure you want to use that phrase? Hotcakes don't actually sell very well,” Lyra pointed out.
“Did I ask you? Go get me some apples!” And with that, Bon Bon physically pushed Lyra out the door and shut it behind her.
* * *
Bon Bon looked up as the bell over the door rang, and a smile spread across her face. “Oh, thank goodness you're back,” she said. “Sales really go out the window when you leave.”
Lyra smiled and nodded. She wouldn't tell Bon Bon to her face, but there were ponies who would actually go out of their way to avoid the shop when Bon Bon was the only one present. Bon Bon liked to joke that she only kept Lyra around as a pretty face for selling, and that was unfortunately more or less true.
“So where are the apples?”
“I didn't actually bring any.” Lyra held up a hoof to stop Bon Bon's eminent rant and continued, “but I did contract with a local farmer pony to provide a few bushels of apples for our first round of tests.”
“I don't need to test,” Bon Bon protested, crossing her forelegs. “My chocolates are always perfect!”
Lyra's gaze flattened. “The time you mixed fudge, peanut butter, and sugar in a 5-2-6 ratio?”
“Ok, once,” Bon Bon conceded. "And besides, I don't think I was completely sober at the time."
“And the Luscious Lozenges. I couldn't look anypony in town in the eyes for a week.”
“Two times! How was I supposed to know that that flower also acted as an aphrodisiac? It added the smooth texture like it was supposed to!” Bon Bon shook her head. “Look, this really isn't important now. All I want to know is, when do I get my apples?”
“Probably within the next hour or so.”
“An hour? That’s forever!” Bon Bon sighed dramatically. “It’s ok, you tried. When 'local farmer pony' shows up, send him into the back. I’m going to go make something.”
Lyra grinned. Bon Bon always made chocolates when she was bored. Sure, they were the middling-quality quick and dirty kind, but they were tasty and there were always plenty of leftovers, which Lyra was only too happy to help dispose of. It was a miracle she wasn’t fatter, really.
* * *
Bon Bon cooed at the row of chocolates in front of her. “And a little bit of creme filling for you, a little caramel for you, and I think you could use a little drizzle of white chocolate. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"Ahem?"
Bon Bon jumped as she heard a pony behind her. She spun around to see an orange earth pony, wearing a hat over her long yellow mane. She had the hat pulled down over her eyes, but Bon Bon was sure she could see her laughing silently underneath it.
“When I say they're made with love, I mean it!” she snapped, defending herself.
The new earth pony pushed her hat up, finally revealing her green eyes. “Ah'd say ‘made with a hearty helpin' of crazy’, but then again, you ain't seen our zap apple ritual yet.”
Visions of altars covered in chicken blood and candles on pentagrams flooded Bon Bon's mind. She shook her head to clear it. “Whatever. You got my stuff?”
“If you've got my bits.”
Bon Bon shook her head. “Not yet. You’ll get paid if they sell. These are very experimental products, and I can’t pay unless they sell.”
The orange pony put her hoof down firmly. “Nothin’ doin’," she said. "These are farm fresh apples that were growin’ on the tree not twenty minutes ago. If’n you don’t want ‘em, Ah’ll just wander over to the open market and get some bits that way.”
“Oh, come on! This is investing! You gotta take a risk, farmpony!”
“Investin’ usually means the investor sees that the investee has somethin’ goin’ for her, and thinks it’s worth the risk. All Ah see from you is a big, fat, load o’ nothin’, and that ain’t no way to raise capital.”
Bon Bon blinked. “I’m not entirely sure what you said, but I think I’m insulted.”
The orange pony rolled her eyes and translated. “No bits, no apples.”
“Fine! I’ll just get my apples elsewhere! From somepony who actually has an eye for business!”
The orange pony snorted. “Good luck.” And without a glance back, she turned and walked out.
Bon Bon growled and began to pace. “I can’t believe this! The nerve of that pony.” Looking around, she realized she was alone, and since there’s no point in ranting if there’s nopony else around to hear it, she opened the door and walked back into the shop proper.
“I can’t believe this!” she complained loudly, making Lyra jump. “The nerve of that pony!”
“You mean the way she refused to give you anything until you paid her? Oh, the depravity,” Lyra deadpanned.
"Oh, she'll see," Bon Bon glowered. "She won't sell any of those apples and then she'll come crawling back to me, begging me to accept her gifts of apples in exchange for a bite of my profits and I'll look down and I'll whisper, 'no'."
Lyra scratched the back of her neck. "But wouldn't that mean that you won't have any apples for your caramel apples idea?"
"Shut up!" Bon Bon turned to leave. "I'm going back to the drawing board. Go sweep the floor or something."
Lyra rolled her eyes but got up and went for the broom.
* * *
Closing time. One of any shopkeeper's favorite times of day. Sure, it's important to love your job, and sure, everypony likes making money, but sometimes you just want to go home, lay down on your bed, cast a silencing spell around your room, and play your lyre loudly and to your heart's content, and just pretend like the world outside doesn't exist for a little while.
At least, Lyra certainly did. And there were bonus points if Bon Bon brought some extra chocolates home that she could snack on. That part of the world could stay. Bon Bon always stayed at the shop afterwards for some reason. She liked experimenting, but today she was really stressed. Maybe she'd be so stressed she'd mess up on a batch of truffles and Lyra would have to eat them all...
Her fantasies were interrupted by the shop bell, and that same orange farm pony from earlier entered.
"Why hello there, Lyra," she said. "Ah'm really hankerin' for something sweet and chocolatey. What you got on special?"
While Lyra explained what she had, Bon Bon poked her head out from the back.
"Lyra, I'm out of paper agai- oh." Her expression quickly dropped. "It's you."
"Mm-hm," the orange pony said. She turned back to Lyra. "Anything with cherries inside? Ah have a friend that grows cherries and Ah'm kindof partial to them myself."
"Indeed we do!" Lyra said cheerfully. She pointed out the chocolates in question, and the orange pony was convinced.
"Great. Ah'll take eight." While still talking to Lyra, she turned and looked at Bon Bon. “And ya know what? Ah’ll be payin’ with the bits Ah earned from sellin’ those apples at the market today. Sure was a better idea than investin’ in somethin’ without any proof at all, and a lot better for my sack of bits.”
Bon Bon turned to Lyra and frowned. "Is she mocking me? I think she's mocking me."
Lyra tallied up the farmer’s purchases and answered in a voice so full of sarcasm it was almost dripping onto the floor. "Oh, no. Why ever would she do such a thing?"
"I don't like your attitude, missy," Bon Bon spat. "I'll be in the back if you need me." And with that, Bon Bon stomped off into the back room and slammed the door.
“She’s... somethin’ else, isn’t she?” the farmer said.
“That’s putting it lightly,” Lyra grinned. “Here you are.”
"Thank you kindly."
"Maybe we'll see you again," Lyra said.
"Yeah," the farmer said, grinning broadly. "Maybe when she gets her head out of her plot and grows some business sense."
"I heard that!" Bon Bon shrieked from the kitchen.
"Good!" the farmer retorted. "Learn from it!" Still grinning widely, she turned and left.
"I like her," Lyra said to herself. "I hope she comes back soon."
* * *
Lyra looked up from her daisy sandwich. "You're going to wear a hole in the floor," she warned.
"I don't care,” Bon Bon said, still pacing furiously. “I'm still mad at that farmer."
"You know, you could always buy a couple apples, make some prototype caramel apples, and show her what you're going to make. That might help persuade her to invest a bit. Or, you know, you could just pay her for the apples anyway."
Bon Bon shook her head. "That means she would win, though. I can't have that."
Lyra chewed on her lower lip. "You're going to get your apples and sell them, and make money while doing it. I think you both win here."
"And that is why you are a musician and not an entrepreneur," Bon Bon said dismissively.
Lyra shrugged as she shoved the test of her sandwich in her mouth. "Haere," she said, which Bon Bon interpreted as "whatever". She turned and left, probably to play her lyre.
Bon Bon continued to pace. There's no way she was going to let some farmer pony outwit her. No way, no how.
Candy Apples: Crackshipping Applejack and Bon Bon
It was a bright and happy morning all across Ponyville... except in Bon Bon’s kitchen. Lyra sadly tipped the third burnt pancake into the trash can. While her control of timing was great by virtue of being a musician, she really had trouble getting the pan to the right temperature. Cooking was more of Bon Bon's thing, anyway, but she was still cooped up in her room and probably still plotting revenge.
As if on cue, Bon Bon walked in. She glanced at the pan for only a second before rendering her verdict. "Batter's too thin for a pan that hot," she said.
Lyra lowered the flame. "Better?"
"Passable."
"You want to take over?" Lyra asked hopefully. She hoped to have something edible for breakfast this morning.
"No time! I have a secret plan to ruin that farmpony and all her business!"
Lyra hesitated as she poured in another scoop of batter. "Do I want to ask?"
"I'm assuming that you do."
Lyra sighed. "Ok. What is it?"
"I can't tell you," Bon Bon said dismissively. "That would ruin the whole ‘secret plan’ part!"
Lyra rolled her eyes and turned back to her pancake. She flipped it, and was pleasantly surprised to see it a golden brown (as opposed to its usual charred black).
"I'll call you when I'm done with phase one, because I'm going to need your unicorn magic for phase two." And with that, Bon Bon walked out the door. After a few seconds, she returned, walking over to the stove and smacking the pan handle, flipping the pancake into the air. Reaching out, she caught it with her teeth, and then walked out the door again.
Lyra shook her head. Bon Bon really needed to relax.
* * *
Lyra waved goodbye as yet another happy pony left. The morning crowd was thin but faithful, and Lyra enjoyed seeing them. She glanced up as the bell rang again, announcing a newcomer, and her eyebrows raised as she saw Bon Bon enter, carrying a bucket in her mouth.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Phase two," Bon Bon replied, setting down the bucket. "I need you to get these worms into the apples."
"Worms?" Lyra, now morbidly curious, walked over and took a look.
Sure enough, the bucket she carried was full of dirt and bright pink, squirming earthworms. Lyra squealed and jumped on top of the counter. "Why are you bringing worms into a candy shop?" she asked, her voice shooting an octave or so higher than normal.
"Because nopony likes wormy apples, and if we get the farmer's apples all wormy, then nopony will buy them. That means she'll have no choice but to sell to me!" Bon Bon dusted a hoof against her chest. "It's brilliant, really."
"But wouldn’t that mean your candy apple idea is going to go south, too?" Lyra asked hesitantly. "If you get your apples from Sweet Apple Acres and they have wormy apples, won't nopony buy your apples either if they know you got them from Sweet Apple Acres? 'Cause they'd think they're wormy, too, right?"
Bon Bon paused. As much as she hated to admit it, Lyra did have a point. "Great,” she sighed. “What am I going to do with all these worms now?"
"You do know that these aren’t even the same kind of worms as the kind that live in apples, don't you?"
"Psh!" Bon Bon scoffed. "Who died and made you queen of the animal kingdom?” She sighed. “Whatever. Get rid of them."
Lyra shuddered. "But... but wooorms... " she protested.
"Fine!” Bon Bon huffed. “I'll do it myself. I have to do everything around here anyway..."
* * *
Around lunchtime, Lyra jumped as Bon Bon burst back into the shop.
“I have another plan!” she said happily.
The unicorn couldn’t suppress a frown. “What is it now?”
“I have decided to forgo the use of actual confrontation and merely attack her ad caballio .”
Lyra paused. “You’re going to insult her as a pony?”
“No. You’ll see. Come on!”
Lyra rolled her eyes, but followed Bon Bon out of the shop, pausing only long enough to flip the ‘open’ sign to read ‘back in 15’.
A few minutes later, Lyra found herself hiding in a bush next to Bon Bon, watching the farmer working at her stand. She seemed to be quite content.
Hmm. She really should learn her name.
“What exactly are we watching for?” Lyra asked.
“Just wait.”
“Ok, but what are we waiting for?” Lyra asked.
“I set a special trap. You know how you smoke out bees so they get slow and don’t attack?”
Lyra already had a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. "Yeah...?"
“I did that to a beehive, and then I loaded it into a slingshot with a delayed fire device.”
“You did what? ?” Lyra gasped.
Bon Bon rubbed her hooves together gleefully. “The hive of bees should be flying right at her any time now.”
“How did you even set that up?” Lyra asked. “It seems like a whole lot of work for something that might not even work.”
Bon Bon patted her demeaningly on the head. “My brilliance is a bit too much for your little brain to comprehend, so let’s just skip the explanation that would probably go over your head anyway.”
Lyra rolled her eyes and looked back at the orange pony. She seemed to be having an in-depth conversation with Pinkie Pie. Lyra may have been terrible with names, but nopony can ever forget the first time they saw Pinkie Pie.
She watched as the two ponies laughed, but then Pinkie Pie scrunched her nose. A split second later, both ponies figuratively flew underneath the apple cart, even going so far as to pull their tails completely under.
“Either she’s a fillyfooler with an itch that just won’t go away, or something’s going down,” Lyra said. Realizing that Pinkie Pie was part of her equation, Lyra quickly decided that it was probably the second option, and it would be wise to make herself scarce.
Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “She can’t hide from the bees! I'm telling you, bees are nature's vilest creatures.”
"Worms,” Lyra corrected even as she backed away.
“Look, enough with the worm thing, ok?” Bon Bon said without taking her eyes off the cart. “I apologized.”
"You did not," Lyra protested. Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she turned and sprinted away.
"Where are you going?" Bon Bon asked. "Turncoat!"
"I don't even wear coats!" Lyra protested. "I like being naked!"
"Traitor!" Bon Bon spat. "And what's with that buzzing noi- AAAGHHHH! "
* * *
Bon Bon sat in the tub, looking wet, bedraggled, itchy, and absolutely miserable.
"At least you're not allergic to bee stings," Lyra offered as comfort.
Bon Bon merely grunted and lifted her foreleg, allowing the soothing washcloth Lyra held in her magic access to her underside.
There was silence for a few moments, punctuated only by small splashes as Bon Bon shifted her body.
“I’m thinking it’s in your best interest to just pay her,” Lyra said gently. "At the very least, it's the most pain-free option."
"I still haven't tried my termite idea," Bon Bon protested.
Lyra dropped the washcloth and glared. "Bon Bon, your shop and half your tools are made of wood. There is no possible way that could end well. And besides, termites don't work as fast as you think they do."
"You know a lot about creepy-crawlies," Bon Bon said suspiciously.
"I don't mind bugs," Lyra said. "I just don't like worms." She shuddered again.
Bon Bon sighed. "Fine... I'll think it over."
Candy Apples: Crackshipping Applejack and Bon Bon
Two days later, the orange pony once again stood sentinel by her wares. She narrowed her eyes slightly as she saw the candy pony walk up to her cart. "Howdy there," she started slowly. "Lookin' for anything?"
"Greetings, fellow entrepreneur," Bon Bon said, with as much politeness as she could muster. "I have come with a business proposal that I think will benefit us both."
"It ain't half baked like yer last one, right?"
"It was not half baked!" Bon Bon spat, quickly losing her calm facade.
"Ok,” the farmer amended with a smile. “Quarter baked."
Bon Bon growled, but continued on. “I think it would be mutually beneficial to both our businesses if we were to work together. Do a little cross promoting."
The farmer's interest was mildly piqued. "And just what're you implyin' we do?" she asked.
"For starters? You give me a dozen apples, I'll make the caramel apples, and then I'll bring them back here. You will eat one, just one, and then you'll be so surprised and impressed that you'll be begging me to work together, in a symbiotic relationship. You provide the apples, I provide the sugar, if you know what I mean."
"Ah do like caramel apples," the farmer admitted. "But Ah also think you've been hanging around the kitchen fer far too long and the heat's gone to yer head."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Bon Bon demanded.
"First off, Ah don't do the whole beggin' thing. Secondly, Ah sincerely doubt yer claim that Ah'll be convinced by just one apple."
"Do you dare to doubt my candy skills?" Bon Bon roared.
Calm as a summer's day, the farmer didn't even blink. "Eeyup, Ah dare. And thirdly, what exactly were you gonna do with the other eleven apples?"
"Sell them? Duh."
"And that's where ya lost me, sugarcube."
"I am not your sugar cube!" Bon Bon growled.
The orange pony ignored her outburst. "A pony's gotta make a bit. You of all ponies should know that. Ah come out way too far on the losin' end of this deal and so Ah'm gonna say 'no can do'," she smirked, "sugarcube."
The presence of foals made it very difficult for Bon Bon to adequately express her anger, so she settled for sputtering and snarling angrily.
"But Ah'll tell you what. Ah'll give you three apples fer free, so long as ya bring all three back here so's me and my brother get to try them. If'n they're good, Ah'll sell you all th' apples you need at a thirty percent discount. With the occasional free personal sample for myself, of course."
"Thirty five," Bon Bon challenged, "and you'll pay half price or no good."
"Thirty three," she countered.
"Forty!"
"How's about we split the difference, and Ah knock a fifth off listed price?"
Bon Bon grinned. "You got yourself a deal, miss..."
"Applejack."
"Bon Bon."
And the two earth ponies bumped hooves in agreement.
"Your body will not be ready for these," Bon Bon warned as she scooped up the apples.
"Ah think Ah know mah body's limits, and Ah think Ah'll be fine." Applejack tipped her hat, smiling cheekily. "But Ah also think Ah'd love t' be proven wrong."
* * *
Bon Bon's grin bordered on maniacal as she burst into the shop again. Lyra made a mental note to buy more paint for the door, as Bon Bon's constant abuse was starting to show.
"You're in a good mood," she said cautiously.
"I know! Don't you see? I've been challenged! This is going to be great!"
Lyra nodded. Bon Bon did always love a challenge. That, and she really hated losing.
"If I get that farmer pony to like these, she'll sell me the apples at a fifth off retail. She wanted to give me only thirty percent off, but I talked her up."
Lyra knew it was in everypony's best interest that Bon Bon was not corrected.
"And you know what? I'm going to make the best fu-" She paused and looked down, suddenly realizing that a little colt stood there at the counter. He cocked his head slowly, trying to understand what she had said. Quickly, she recovered, "-best caramel apples she's ever had in her life. Now, if you'll excuse me..." And she pranced back into the back room.
The little colt looked up at Lyra. "She scares me a bit," he confessed.
"Yeah," Lyra said. "Me too."
* * *
Applejack stood next to a red giant of an earth pony when Bon Bon returned. She looked up and grinned when she saw Bon Bon coming towards her, holding a basket in her mouth.
"Hey, Mac," Applejack said, nudging him and pointing to Bon Bon. "Remember that deal Ah talked about earlier? That's her. She's got some caramel apples fer us to try."
"'S'at so," Mac said slowly, his eyes sizing up the mare with the two toned mane.
"And boy, do I," Bon Bon said around the basket handle before she set it down on the counter. "If these aren't the best caramel apples you've ever eaten, I'll eat this basket."
"Then Ah hope you're hungry," the one called Mac grinned.
"You dare insult my candy-making ability?" Bon Bon demanded. "I eat, sleep, and breathe candy! Cut me and I bleed sugar!" She dramatically pulled the plate of apples out of the basket and slammed it down on the counter. "Why don't you put your mouth where your mouth is and just try one, eh?"
Mac chuckled, prompting a glare from Bon Bon. He reached out a hoof, lifted the apple, and took a little bite. His eyes flew open as the flavor combination bowled him over, and he quickly shoved the rest into his mouth.
"No no no!" Bon Bon scolded, bopping him on the head as though he were a disobedient foal and not a stallion twice her height. "Don't just hork it down! Enjoy the flavor! I worked hard on these!"
Applejack laughed at the sight of her brother getting disciplined. She took her turn, taking a little bite of the apple. Her eyes also flew open, and she took another. Then another.
"Wow,” she said, licking her lips.
Bon Bon smirked. "Well?"
“Ah misjudged you," Applejack said, bringing a hoof up to her hat respectfully. "Ah'm seein' that you love what you do and if'n you're this passionate about it--and this good at it--Ah think we can work something out."
"Eeyup," Mac emphatically agreed.
* * *
Shoeshine was just paying for her chocolates when Bon Bon burst through the door again.
“Awww yeah!” she cheered, thrusting her hooves into the air. “Who’s awesome? I’m awesome!” She continued dancing around, celebrating with the occasional hip thrust and cheers that sounded vaguely like choking laughter.
“Does she need a straitsaddle?” Shoeshine asked, taking a hesitant step back.
Lyra stared. She hasn't seen Bon Bon this happy since the sugar factory had had a fifty percent off sale. “You know, she just might.”
Bon Bon continued behind the counter and into the back room, slamming the door behind her.
“Well... that was something,” Lyra said.
“Something I hope to never see again,” Shoeshine added.
Bon Bon poked her head out. “I did it! I got the deal with the Apples! Profit through the roof!” Still cackling madly, she drew her head back in and slammed the door again.
“I stand by what I said earlier,” Shoeshine said shakily.
"Hey Bon Bon?" Lyra called. "Where exactly are the apples?"
There was a brief silence, and then Bon Bon walked out of the back room and stomped out the door, grumbling angrily under her breath at her own stupidity.
"Never mind," Lyra grinned, relieved. "She's just being Bon Bon."