Chapters (2) The Science of Bad Fanfiction
In The Name of Science Chapter Two: The Science of Bad Fanfiction Really, really meta! And now, all those tens of hundreds of fanfictons rotting away on the Internet have actually been proven to be...possible. Gah! The thought of it makes me want to bang my head against the nearest telephone pole until grey matter leaks out my nose, eyes, and ears. Oh wait, there are no telephone poles here, because there are no telephones. Why? Because I'm in Equestria, that's why! You can probably tell that I don't like HiEs. Well, that's only true for the vast majority of them. I skip over almost every one that involves bronies as characters save for a select few. The formula for one of those stories has been the same since the beginning of the fandom. Human. Equestria. Human reaction. Pony reaction. Human falls in love with [Pony Name Here]. They live happily ever after, the end. Story gets three-thousand views. Those kinds of stories have always reinforced the idea that fanfiction is shameless wish-fufillment. And yet...here I am. Staring down the one and only yellow pegasus that we all know and love. Fluttershy was as real as the ground that I laid upon. I looked at her. She looked at me. Neither one of us spoke for a good while. She was just standing over me and-- Holy shit. I'm going off topic here, but Fluttershy was he-yooge! I mean, not in a fat way, but in a waaaaaay bigger than I could ever dream to be way. Her whole body length was more than one and a half times larger than my-- Holy shit! What happened to my body?! I...I...I don't even... Why are my hands and arms orange? Why is my chest yellow? Dear god in heaven, why do I have fur?! This can't be happening, I must be trapped in some mouth-breather's bad fanfic. "Uhhm, are you okay?" Fluttershy asked with genuine concern in her sweet and soft voice. No, I'm definitely not okay. Falling from the sky is one thing, appearing in Equestria is another thing, and finding out that I'm not me anymore is giving me an aneurysm. And being transported into a fanfiction? Unthinkable! On a one to ten scale of freaking me out, falling was a two, Equestria was a six, becoming a ball of orange fur was a twenty-three, and the fanfic thing was off the charts! It tipped the scales! It made me cucco for cocoa puffs! It broke my c-c-c-combo! It was over nine freakin' thousand! I must have looked really out if it, because Fluttershy derailed my train of thought by nudging me with her muzzle ever so lightly. "Are you okay?" she echoed. I snapped attention back to her, the dizziness that came with the crash had gone away for the most part, and my senses were reverting back to normal. I found that I had managed to remember how to speak "Uggh..." I moaned as I moved to sit upright "Not really, but I'm alive." To my immediate suprise, the yellow pegasus jumped back a few feet and let out an adorable little "Eeep ." Forget that little girl in the park, that was the cutest thing I had ever seen. "You can talk!" she gasped. "Y-yeah." I murmured, too entranced by my own body to give her a sarcastic quip. What was I? I hadn't seen anything like myself on Earth or Equestria. My form was mostly human in a lot of ways; Five fingers on each hand including apposable thumbs, check. Belly button, check. My feet were all wide and floppy, kind of like clown shoes. Huh, wierd, but at least I had ten toes. Let's see, two eyes, bushy eyebrows, one mouth, I still had my awesome goatee, one nose, two nostrils, two e-- "Uh, where are my ears?!" I asked, frantically feeling the sides of my head. I felt up a little higher and let out a breath of relief. The ears were perched on the top of my head, like a dog's or pony's. They were really floppy, too. And soft. "Oooh you poor dear." Fluttershy crooned "You must have had yourself a little concussion." She looked away from me and to the sky, falling deep into thought "Where did you even come from?" Well, Fluttershy, that's a long and complicated story that a million and one different fanfics have told. A story filled with angsty teenagers whining about the history of the human race. I, for the sake of being an original little snowflake, will not tell it again. And you know what? I'm feeling saucy today, why don't I avoid doing the thing that most of the other HiEs did? I didn't feign amnesia, I didn't go with the concussion story, I didn't skirt the issue, I didn't run away to go brood in the Everfree forest, I told the truth. "Well," I said to her "I guess the best answer for that question is Planet Earth . New York, specifically." She averted her gaze from the sky "Oh really?" Well, I guess there's no going back now. "I know that the first question on your mind would be "Excuse me good sir, but where is this Earth you speak of? And what's a New York?" Well, Fluttershy, that's a long and complicated story that a million and one fan--" "Actually no." Shy interrupted me before I could give her that little speech out loud "It's not really, I already know those things. New York is a city, right?" "Wait- You mean- What?" was my oh-so-clever response. She gave me a shrug with her butter-yellow wings "I'm kind of getting used to people from Earth. It's a regular thing around here." Did she just use "people" instead of "pony?" Huh, well that was different. "You mean to tell me that you already know...?" Fluttershy nodded "Mmm-hmm. You're a human, aren't you?" Well I'll be damned. Whoever's authoring this cheesy fanfic just skipped a whole chapter. Explaining that I'm from Earth would have netted the author four thousand words and a feature on FIMfic, easy. "I guess that saves us some time." I mused aloud "And that begs the question; How do you know about humans?" I could have sworn that the almighty Fausticorn told us that there were no people in the Ponyverse. She smiled a sort of nostalgic smile that told me more than words could "It's a long story." "Well, miss Fluttershy," I began in a fomal tone "I seem to find myself with a lot of time on my er, hands . Perfect for a long story such as yours." "Okay." she said "But let's talk at my house. It's not a far ways away." "Lovely." I said. And before we could transition into the next scene, I tried to stand up. Oh god, that was such a bad idea. "YEEOOOUCH!" My right ankle throbbed as jolts of pain went up my leg like tiny bolts of lightning, making me scream and shout like a little wuss. Pain wasn't exactly my fortè. I had a nice childhood where I was never dumb enough to do things that ended up in me being hurt. Like sports. Or anything involving exercise, for that matter. Fluttershy gave me a small look of pity "Oh, don't be a little filly. Let me see it." She reached to still me as I rocked back and forth in the dirt with my ankle in my hands, complaining like a child. "Owowowow, don't touch it!" I tried to wave her hoof away. Yeah, his wasn't one of my proudest moments in Equestria. Fluttershy continued, unperturbed by my whining. She managed to get me to stop flailing long enough to run her hooves lightly across the afflicting ankle. It sent new waves of agony into my leg, but I tried to man up a little and not scream. "It's just sprained." she concluded "You'll be okay in a day or two. Here, let me carry you." "Uh, yeah. Thanks." The pegasus, instead of grabbing me with her hooves and throwing me over her shoulder like I had expected, bit down lightly on the back of my neck and lifted. Woah, what a feeling. Being carried by the scruff of your neck that you didn't have yesterday was definitely a new sensation. I didn't know if I liked it or not, but it didn't feel unnatural at all. It just felt...right. What a day this was turning out to be.Loading, please wait. . . Flutteshy's little cottage on the outskirts of Ponyville was actually pretty comfortable inside, even with the complete and utter lack of air conditioning. It was really warm outside for a guy with fur all over his body. It might have been early autumn when I left New York, but it was actually late spring here in Equestria. Go figure. I don't know why I always assumed the two world's seasons to be in sync like in all those science fiction novels, that's just nonsense when you think about it. The cottage was nice and homey despite its small size. It reminded me of a cozy little hobbit hole, being painted with bright and welcoming colors. Scattered about were a few tables with some cushions pushed up to them like chairs, they held an assortment of knickknacks and antiques on top. A large brick fireplace rose up from the green floorboards like a tower, which was an apt description since there were several sets of tiny staircases running along its side. Most people (and I'm going to guess ponies, too) don't exactly welcome small creatues in their homes with open arms. Fluttershy isn't most ponies, those stairs were made especially to accommodate small rodents and whatever else would want to live in her walls. A whole network of paths went all through the house, with scurrying white rats traveling them. "Nice place." I said, watching a mouse leer at me from a hole in the wall. When Shy wasn't looking, I flipped the mouse off. "Must be a pain to keep it this clean, what with all the animals wandering around as they please." "Mmm-hmmm." she hummed absentmindedly "Sometimes they make a mess, but I don't mind cleaning it up." I tried not to mention how I'd be prowling around in my apartment with a baseball bat if there were as many animals in there as there were in here. That would probably upset her. "Would you like some tea?" Fluttshy asked in that quiet tone of hers "I mean, if you don't want any that's okay. I'm about to make some for me either way." I guessed that she didn't exactly have any Snapple around the house "Yeah, thanks." I said "I usually take mine with enough sugar to wake the dead, if you have it." "Okay, got it. I'll be right back." she said as she slipped off into an adjacent room. I found a nice little cushion-chair-thingy to get comfortable at. Moments later, the sounds of several cooking utensils clanking together reached me. To my immediate suprise, my own ears actually swiveled toward the source of the noises, causing them to sound much clearer. "Woah." I said. I could move my ears, and not just wiggle them like some people can. That is so...so...trippy! It turns out, I can move them about sixty degrees to the left or right on my own. I entertained myself for a good ten minutes by flopping them around aimlessly before I finnaly accepted it and moved on. Wait...If I had ears like that then...Oh my god. A quick glance confirmed my suspicions. I, Silus White, had a tail. A Freakin' Tail! It just swished back and forth without a care in the world, like the thing had a mind of its own. Huh. I idly wondered if it would wag when I'm happy. I didn't even know how to react to that. The last fiften minutes had been a whirlwind of freakiness already, having a fifth limb just made me shrug an say "You know what? Screw it, I don't even care anymore." No siree, not a shit was given that day. "Care about what?" Fluttershy asked, who had just trotted in with a silver tray and a kettle of what I assumed was tea on her back. "Having a tail." Fluttershy cocked an eyebrow that would have made Spock proud "Uhm. Okay?" I caught a whiff of what was steaming in that kettle of hers "Ooo, smells good." I said, eager to change the subject. Shy gave me a small smile and set the tray down on the table "Earl grey was the only kind I had. If I knew that you would fall out of the sky like you did earlier then I would have gone shopping for something that you liked." I chuckled a little at her extreme Fluttershy-ness "No, that's quite alright. I'm not much of a tea guy anyway." I preferred coffee to get my caffine fix, a lot of coffe. And I mean a lot. Seriously, the CEO of Starbucks has photograph of me holding a Styrofoam cup and a cigarette on his desk, that's how much coffe I drink. She nudged a cup of piping hot amber liquid toward me which, incidentally, was not grey in color despite its misleading moniker. I thanked the pegasus and took a small sip. Ya'know what it tasted like to me? Tea . I couldn't tell earl grey from any other kind of hot beverage that has ever passed my lips. Hmmm... needs more coffe. Regardless of my obvious preference for caffeinated bean juice, it still tasted pretty good. I made sure to tell her that. "You make an excellent brew, Fluttershy, thank you." "Oh, umm, well..." she said hesitantly, her eyes shooting wide open. Oh shit, I used her name didn't I? Shit shit shit. Stupid mouth, going faster than my brain. The metaphorical cat is out of the metaphorical bag now "Oh crap! I can explain about the whole knowing your name thing! It's just that--" Fluttershy held up a hoof to stop me "No, uh, sorry. I'm just getting used to strange poni-- Er, people knowing my name." There was that word was again. People . I thought that they never used that in the show. Then again, I thought I was the first HiE, too. That's because you're in a bad fanfic. I reminded myself. "I'm the one who should explain stuff. I can tell you everything. " she said "At least, everything that Griffin told me, anyway." And with that being said, she took a seat at the table right across from me. I had to stand up at my full height to meet her eyes. I guess Fluttershy wasn't at all that big, I was just so very small. "So, it goes a little like this..."Loading, please wait. . . I sat at that little oak table, no less than seven hardback books piled under my newly minted tail. Fluttershy had kindly arranged them so that I didn't have to stand to meet her gaze. The pot that once steamed with hot tea lay cold and dry, as did a suspiciously empty plate of crumbs. The back of my skull buzzed silently due to a combination of that caffeinated drink and the rather strange conversation that I've been having with a fictional flying pony. "Ohh-kay!" I said, taking a small bite from the last chunk of bread "Let me get this straight, just so I can confirm that I am indeed not going batshit crazy." Shy nodded patiently "Take your time, I know this can be a little hard to swallow." "So!" I said, point a finger toward the sky for dramatic effect "That old fella back in New York was actually some kind of god, right?" She nodded again "Uh huh." "And he, as an all-powerful omni-something immortal being, wanted me, a washed up office clerk with a Gibson acoustic guitar, to represent him as some sort of playing peice in a cosmic game of Dungeons and Dragons." "Chess, actually." she corrected "Griffin called it The Chess Games of the Gods." "Wonderful. And this Griffin guy... he was actually a griffin named Griffin who is also a human, who is also the captain pirate of an airship, who has killed a ton of dragons, who is also a knight--" "Not officially." "Close enough -- Who is also one of the first "peices" to be played, who is also bringing about a freakin' revolution with Gilda the griffin and the Great and Powerful Trixie, along with a crew of cat-people and various other characters, who explained to you all of this stuff that you just passed on to me right now." "Yep." "What a Mary Sue." "A what?" "Nothing." I tossed the rest of the bread slice down my throat and chased it with the remaining cup of cold tea "Anyhoo, you mean to tell me that there are dozens of other of mostly brony humans out there, all of which have their own god behind them." "Yes." "And these gods are all competing against each other to see who's pawn is the last left standing after some sort of cataclysmic event. And the winner gets...something." "Yep." I pinched the bridge of my nose and muttered "Bad fanfiction ." "I wouldn't have believed it at first either." the pegasus quietly agreed. "Preachin' to the choir, sister. Is there anything that I could possibly be missing? Any little detail that you would think that I'd like to know, huh?" Shy put a hoof to her chin and hummed thoughtfully. "Well... all of those other humans took a different form, too." "Were they like me?" "No, most of them were species from Equestria. I know of a windago, a diamond dog, a cat, a changeling--" she seemed to involuntarily shudder at the thought of that changeling "--and maybe a dragon, too." Thud. My orange head met the hard wood table "A dragon! I have to go against a dragon in some kinda sick gladiator game?! Oh, yeah, that's great Just great. Fan-freaking-tastic." "That's all I know." she concluded. Then after a pregnant pause, she gave a half-hearted chuckle "Things were so much simpler back when our worst problems were gala tickets and winter wrap up." "Amen." "So, um..." Fluttershy said "What are you going to do now?" I peeled my now flatter face from the top of the table and gave her a dumb look "Huh?" "Well, um, most humans usually find a way to pass the time. Like, fighting bad guys and going on quests and stuff." Quests? Call me lazy, but I didn't exactly feel up for some epic journey filled with loot, danger, beer, and women that will be recorded and passed down from generation to generation until it faded into legend and yadda yadda yadda. I'd be content just to find a home and a job and live my life in it. And I'm assuming that I will indeed be spending the rest of my days here in this world, and that the god-dude isn't just setting me up for the most epic prank in the universe. I cocked an eyebrow (and my ear seemed to follow with it) at the mare "Do I have to?" That seemed to surprise her, like she didn't expect me to ask a question like that "Now that you think of it... no. Most of the people that I meet just chose to, or they get caught up in it." Humans: We can sure raise hell when we want to. "Well, I'm content just to chill. I mean, this is like... some kind of fantasy vacation. I might as well enjoy it, right? Without putting my life in danger." "Yes, I suppose so." "Great!" I said, then gestured theatrically to the sky as if swearing some kind of divine oath "From today forth, I'm going to make it my goal--Nay, my duty-- to sit back and go on a lifetime vacation!" You hear that, author? I thought Screw you and your dumb plot! I do what I want, and you can't force me to partake in this cliché fanfic! I'm going to make my life so boring to read about that you'll just have to give up on this story. Of course, that's not what happened. Not at all. What? Do you think it would be that easy? Ha ha ha...no.Loading, please wait. . . Later on, Fluttershy demonstrated to her veterinary prowess by wrapping up my sprained ankle, despite not being able to identify my species. No, not the human species, I mean the orange furball body that my mind had been stuffed in. That species. Anyway, she graciously lent me a pair of crutches that were apparently fashioned to be for monkeys (how convenient is that ?) and insisted that I stay in bed at her place for at least three more days to heal. I declined her offer, opting to go out and hobble around Ponyville during the day and crash there at night. I was almost taken aback at her...well, her kindness . To her, I was a total stranger, she didn't know if I was a psychotic serial killer or a kind and gentle saint. She let me in her home either way. She wasn't concerned with whether or not I was deserving of her charity, she only cared about helping a poor sap that had been suckered into sky diving into Equestria without a parachute. Hell...come to think of it, she saved my life. The realization struck my like an anvil in a Looney Toons show. I was too damn concerned with my own incredibly strange predicament to realize that if it wasn't for her, I would have been a me-shaped splatter on the ground. I hadn't even thanked her, and she was too nice of a person to say anything about it. I suddenly felt like a really, really horrible person. But it wasn't too late to amend my mistake "Uh, Fluttershy." I said, stopping halfway between the seat of books and the door. "What is it?" I suddenly became very aware of how interesting the floorboards were "I uhmmm, I just wanted to say thanks." I wasn't very good with expressing gratitude. Sure, if someone did me a little favor like loaning me a fiver, I'd thank them without a problem. It was the big things that people do for me that I had trouble with. I just didn't know how to put into words or actions how grateful I am to some people. I'm always worried if it would be too much or too little. What is the best way to thank someone, or somepony, for saving your life? Yeah, that's just it, there is no clear-cut way to say thanks for an act of that magnitude. I had to just... wing it. "You... you saved my life." I continued "I didn't die today. I mean, I could have... if it wasn't for you. I'm sorry that I didn't think to thank you sooner." Was this too little? Did it sound half-hearted and insincere at all? Oh god, I was really good with words when I wrote them down, why couldn't I do the same when I'm talking? Fluttershy gave me a warm smile in response "Oh, don't think about it too much. I was just doing my duty to take care of all the small critters in the world. It's no big deal." I allowed myself a glance down at my own injured body "I am a small critter now, aren't I?" But it was a big deal. Does she really think that I could shrug that off like it was nothing? Maybe, maybe not, but I did know that she wanted me not to mention it, so the least I could do was respect that. "Just..." I began "I owe you one. It's not much, but if you ever need anything..." "I'll let you know." I opened my mouth to say something, but I was at a loss for words by then. Instead, I shut my jaw and nodded "Right, right." I glanced at the big green door at the end of the room "I should get going. Got a whole new world out there to explore, y'know? I should probably find a place to stay more permanently, and maybe get a job or something so I'm not penniless." I hoped that jobs are a little more plentiful in this country. "Are you sure about sure about going out with your ankle like that? It won't make it heal any better." she asked with honest concern. "I'm on an alien planet populated with crayon-colored talking ponies that are all taller than me. Frankly, I'm dying of curiosity. Do you want me to die of something so terrible, Fluttershy? I'd hope not." "Well, okay then, I can't stop you. Just stay off of that leg 'til it heals and try not to do any heavy lifting. Come back if you can't find a place to sleep tonight." Already hobbling toward the door, I waved back at her "Sure thing. See you later, Fluttergator." Once there, I realized that even the doors here weighed more than I did. Opening it was a daunting task, especially with only one usable foot to do it with. I pushed heaved and groaned, and the door took longer than it should have to open. I really needed to stop smoking. But the thing eventually gave way, costing me only a half minute and little piece of my already dwindling pride. Then I stepped outside. Light! A torrent of bright hot sunbeams washed over me like a crashing wave, temporarily searing my retinas and making my mind reel. Celestia's oppressive sun hung there in the blue springtime sky, shooting its warm rays of blinding light at the planet below. My eyes were in momentary agony after having spent an hour inside that cool cottage with very heavy drapes. I shielded my squinted eyes from the offending star with a fuzzy orange hand. I blinked rapidly as my vison slowly adjusted to the new lighting. "Damn." was all I muttered in response. The door swung itself shut behind me. Looking back, I noticed a square doggy-door built into the wall directly adjacent to the entrance, sized perfectly for my thin frame. Screw you, hindsight. Then I looked out to the town spread out before me. A long dirt pathway cut a swath across the grassy open space and weaved directly into Ponyville proper. Dozens of homes hewn with whitewashed walls, wooden framing, and straw roofing clustered around the worn town hall. The ponies gallantly flitting about the place were nothing but brightly hued silhouettes in the distance, with the pegasai buzzing about the upper reaches like dragonflies around a pond and the more earthbound ponies content to leisurely stroll about the place. Even farther out, just at the edge of my vision, Canterlot clung to its mighty mountainside, stoically standing watch over the dwarfed town. Then again, you already knew what Ponyville looked like, didn't you? I took a deep breath in attempts to suppress my rising urges to squeal and dance around like a moron, probably hurting my ankle even more in the process. It was no joke, this was the real deal. I was indeed taken to Equestria. Forget bad fanfiction, no story that sends me here can be all that horrible, can it? I took another breath and steeled myself for what was to come. The land of my dreams had been just served to me on a platter, I certainly wasn't going to waste time cooped up in a house, no way in hell. Without further ado, I took my first step into a brand new world... ...and immediately fell on my face. "Ungh." I said, spitting out a mouthfull of dust "Stupid crutches."
(3) The Science of Ottsels
In The Name of Science Chapter Three: The Science of Ottsels authentic , like it was the real deal, like it was the experience that blew the brains out of your low expectations. Well, that's the same feeling that I had whilst hobbling through the streets of my favorite fictional town. It was the perfect picture of how we all imagined it to be up close, and then some. First off, ponies . There were ponies everywhere. Of coarse, that was to be expected from a town called "Ponyville". Ponies of all colors, races, shapes, and sizes went about their daily lives, completely ignorant of the transdimensional traveler in crutches staring at them with wide eyes. Ponies trotted by me without a care in the world, probably on their way to meet up with friends, or grab a cup of joe at the local cafe. It was peaceful. You can already guess that I was a total city slicker, in fact I had never spent more than a week outside of the city. I had never lived in a quiet rural town like this one. Nopony that I passed ever looked like the dealt drugs, picked pockets, or stole cars. They all looked like decent, upstanding folks, which was a stark contrast of the shady shades of grey in the Big Apple. I was ambllig through a narrow street that cut between two rows of thatch-roofed cottages. I felt eerily comfortable amongst a multitude of structures that were a great deal taller than I, despite them being made of whitewashed brick and wooden framing. Several elderly folks sat in the shade of their porches, rocking away in their chairs with contented looks upon their cracked faces. One of the elderly ponies, a wrinkly liver-spotted gent, noticed me limping down the street. "Hey hon," he said in a shaky old-man voice "there's a varmint in the street." "A VARMIT?!" came a bracing voice from further inside the house "GO TELL THAT YELLA LADY TO KEEP THEM RABITTS IN THEIR RABBIT-HOLES. DERN THINGS BEEN EATIN' MA DASIES ALL WEEK 'N I'M 'BOUT THIS CLOSE TO CLUBBIN' 'EM OVER THEIR HEADS." It took me a great deal longer than it should have to realize that they were talking about me. How rude! I ain't no varmint. "Don't worry folks!" I waved at the old guy "I won't eat anypony's flowers. I prefer regular foods." Like spit-roasted meat. But I wasn't about to tell them that. "S'a talkin' varnmit!" the elder called back to the inside. "TALKIN' VARNMIT?! DID YOU TAKE YER PILLS THIS MORNIN'?!" "I ain't no loon, hon! When I say it talked, it talked!" "WHUD IT SAY?" "I dunno." He turned to regard me "How do ya do, son?" It took all my willpower to not snicker at their exchange "Just fine, thanks. Maybe my leg's a little broken." I shook my injured ankle at him. The stallion nodded sagely, then turned back to the doorway "He said he's house-broken!" "Wait, no, I said I--" "NO. NOOOO WAY. WE AIN'T GETTIN' ANOTHER PET! I DON'T CARE IF HE CAN TALK, SING, DANCE, OR DO OUR TAXES, WE DON'T NEED 'NOTHER CRITTER RUNNIN' ROUND THIS HOUSE." The old dude gave me an apologetic shrug "Sorry, sonny." I stifled a laugh and waved my hand dismissively "It's alright." Chuckling, I turned and continued on down the road.Loading, please wait. . . The square of Ponyville was the lively center of this sleepy little town. Ponies bustled about the brightly painted merchant's stalls, exchanging shiny golden bits for groceries, articles of clothing, snacks, or whatever some trader happened to be hawking at the time. This place was the center of local commerce, it kind of reminded me of the grocer's market back in the Chinatown part of NYC, minus the lingering smell of fish and the shopkeepers yelling in a language that you couldn't even begin to comprehend. I felt the sudden urge to buy some menial trinkets rise in my chest. There were so many cool-looking things that begged me to drop a load if cash on them, but alas, I hadn't a penny to my name. Even if I was carrying freaking solid gold coins in my pocket before today, everything I had on me was lost during the transition between worlds, or whatever. "Oh shit." I said aloud, just as an uptight-looking mare passed me by. She gave a scoff and went on her way. What was I oh shit-ing about, you ask? Well, the idea finally dawned on me that I had left everything that I owned back on Earth . Everything . My wallet, my clothes, my apartment, my guitar, my job (not that I minded that), and everything else important to me. All gone. Three years of working an utterly pointless desk job, all the hard-earned money from that and my Saturday Central Park concerts was gone. Three years! Three years of grinding out an honest living in the most dishonest city in the world just vanished from my grasp. Poof. Bye bye, progress. Oh god, my stuff. All of it was gone. My dad's old Gibson... it's probably sitting on that park bench, waiting for some stranger to grab it. If I weren't for transdimensional barriers between me and my pa, he would surely rips my legs off and make me kick my own ass. Everything that I had held dear was now sitting where I left it, and probably will be until someone steals it. I was back to square one in this place. It seemed that all I had done in my life had been erased. All of my achievements, all of my relationships, all of my savings, everything that I had ever done back on Earth didn't even matter anymore, not in this world. I had been stripped of all the things that I had, with nothing to show for it but a memory of the who, the what, and the where. All that was left was...me. All that I had was me. I was alone. It's a scary feeling, being alone. I had been alone before, what with living in a state of nearly perpetual bachelorhood in a big city. But I had never been alone like this. Back on Earth, I at least had my friends and family to help me, but not here. Nothing that had ever happened to me could measure up to this. This was like... being born again, but without anyone to guide you through your infant life. No friends, no family, no mentors, no teachers, no nothing. I had nobody to turn to, and that scared the hell out of me. Everywhere I looked was a place I had never been, every face that I saw and every voice that I heard was strange to me, every thing that I touched, I had never touched before, everyone that I talked to, I had never talked to before, everything that I had seen, I had never seen before. I was as alone as anyone could ever be. Nothing was familiar. Leaning on a crutch amidst the crowd of strangers, I realized something. Something very important that would shape the rest of my life-- I had a clean slate . No friends, no enemies, no affiliations, no relationships, nobody knew about me, nobody had met me before, nothing. What I did from here on out could not be hindered by any marks of my past or my lineage, anything that happened to me from that moment on would be a product of my own actions. It was as fresh a start as anyone could ever get. Everything was new. I could chose what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to make my friend or my enemy, it was all up to me. I had complete control over my future. Nothing would get in my way that I didn't let get there. I was free, free as anyone could ever get. Equestria was going to be my new box of sand, and I could build the best freakin' sand castle that anyone had ever seen. It finally dawned on me. This was real. I really was in Equestria. Leaning on that crutch amidst the crowd of strangers, I swore an oath. An oath that would shape the rest of my life-- I would make the rest of my existence in the image that I wanted it to be. Nothing to hold me back but only myself. Come hell or high water, I would carve out a living sparkled like a diamond in comparison to my meager old life that revolved around money and college. No more playing music to indifferent people for pocket change, no more grinding away at an office space that slowly sapped my will to live, life would give me lemons and I'd slap life in the face and make orange juice. I was free. A distant voice sounded from behind me, it had barely registered im my brain as language "You okay there, laddie?" The voice was from a stallion. And he had an amusingly thick Scottish accent. Also, that's the second time someone's asked me that today "Okay? I'm fantastic." I said, choosing to stare off into the distance, still lost in my own thoughts. "You sure? You've got the thousand-yard stare goin'." "I've had a tough day." I answered absentmindedly. He laughed a low, throaty chuckle "I know what'cha mean, my friend. We've all had those kind of days every now and again don't we?" Ain't that the truth. I forced my current thoughts out of my mind and chose to focus on this new pony before me. He was an earth pony, about a foot taller than I was, which would make him normal sized, his fur was a kind of bright traffic cone orange and his mane was a much rustier shade of orange, kind of like my own (What was it with the author of this fanfic and his obsession with that color?). Around his neck he wore a curious copper pendant with some kind of yellow stone set into it. "Hi." I said, extending my hand to the stranger "I'm Silus White." Might as well make friends with the guy, seeing as how I only had one so far. Ever since I was a little kid, I was pretty damn good at making friends. I guessed it was something about my frank way of being earnest with people. The stallion with a deep commitment to orange put his hoof in my comparatively tiny hand "Me name's Pi." I cocked an eyebrow ask we shook "Pie?" I snuck in a glance at his butt, in a totally not dirty way. His cutie mark was some kind of strange symbol, like a capital J but with two hooks instead of one. Ergo, not a pie, like someone would assume. Catching my facial expression, he rolled his eyes "Not that kinda pie." "Oh. There's more than one kind of pie? I think you might mean cake, right?" "No. I mean three point one four one five nine two six five three five nine--" "Huh?" Pi half-laughed and slapped his forehead "It's a number, lad! Didn't they teach ya that in school?" I gave him the most noncommittal shrug that anyone had ever seen "I slept through algebra...and algebra two, geometry, pre-calculus, calculus, trigonometry, physics pretty much any math class that you can think of." Does a race of sentient beings that still use swords and bows even have calculus? Meh. Who cares? Not me, so long as I didn't have to pass said math class. "Well, that explains it." he snorted "Yeah...they picked the perfect man for the job." "Say what?" Choosing not to reply, he turned around and began to trot off "Follow me, if ya will." His pace was a little too brisk for a furry rodent in crutches, I hobbled after him crying "Hey, wait! Hold on there, pal!" Pi slowed his speed to a walk, making it a little easier to catch up "What is it?" "You said something about a job." "Aye." "Are you with that old guy that sent me here?" "Oh, you mean Cosine?" "Co-sign? Is that another math word?" He chuckled "You catch on real quick, lad. Yeah, Cosine is our recruiter." "Our? Who the hell are you people?! " I shouted a little louder than I had intended, drawing a few pairs of eyes from the marketplace crowd. Without warning, Pi did a total one-eighty and gagged me with his hoof. It tasted exactly like dirt. "Shhh! Shut ya yap, boy! Do ya want everpony from here to Fillydelphia to hear?" I grabbed his hoof and shoved it to the side "Eugh!" I spat, in desperate want for some mouthwash. "I don't give a good god damn if the whole world hears! If you're part of that stupid research team that dragged me here, then at least do me the common courtesy of explaining why!" Pi tensed up qnd looked around frantically as if he had been caught red-hoofed in a criminal act "Alright, alright, fine! I'll explain everything if ya'd put a lid on it! Just not here. Hop on me back and I'll take you someplace where we can discuss this like civilized men." Men . I didn't think that ponies used that word. Nonetheless, I managed to tuck the mini-crutches under my arms and haul myself on top of the stallion's back. The ride was kind of bumpy and uncomfortable as he hauled me through the thin crowd of ponies...Loading, please wait. . . Pi took me across the marketplace and through a few of Ponyville's wide streets, not once making conversation the whole way there. I considered the the thought that this guy might just be a major whacko, and that I should probably jump off his back and hobble away as fast as I could before he skined me and made my fur into a fashionable orange hat that he would wear on a chilly winter day. I'm happy to say that he wasn't, and he didn't. So I'd count that as a win in my book. He took me to his house, which was a cozy little cottage that looked identical to nintey percent of all the other buildings in Ponyville. It was very tidly kept on the inside. Everything was relatively clean, polished, and organized by the alphabet. Nothing seemed out of order or out of place. Oddly enough, there were thick blankets of cloth covering most of the large pieces of furniture. It was as if this were a home that had been recently bought off the market. "You must not be home much." I observed. "You could say that." I looked around the place a little more. There was no one her aside from Pi and myself. "You live alone?" "Mmm-hmm." I carefully slid myself off of Pi's back, making sure to land only on my good foot. "So." I said "Let's talk. Who are you, why am I in Equestria, and what the hell did you send me here for?" "All in good time." he said with infuriating amounts patience. "This is sumthin' that would be easier to discuss in me basement." "That doesn't sound shady at all." I quipped "If this were New York, I'd think that you dealt in meth instead of jobs." "A fine metaphor." He rolled his eyes. Without another word, he strode across the room and threw open a seemingly random closet door. "In here." "Your walk in closet?" "Aye." "What's in there?" He turned back and gave me a little glare "Will ya just quit ya incessant blathering and do as I ay?" "Alright alright. Jesus. Don't get your panties in a bunch." Pi disappeared completely into the darkness of the closet and I followed. "Woah, this is way bigger than it looks." I said, gaining me no reply from the orange earth pony. Judging by the fact that I didn't see or feel anything but wall in the darkness, I logically assumed this thing wasn't really a closet, it was a hallway. A very cramped, dark, and claustrophobic hallway. Yeesh, I was not a fan of tight places. The hallway led deeper into the house than I ever imagined was possible. I went twenty, maybe twenty five, paces before we hit a wall. Yet that wall just veered off into a different direction and led into an even tighter case of spiral stairs. I could barely see my hand in front of my face by now, it was so dark. The only thing leading me along was a cold steel guardrail. "This must be a hell of a basement!" I said. "Oh it is." Pi replied nonchalantly. "At least by human standards, anyway. Ah, here we are!" I immediately collided clumsily into the stallion's backside as he stopped abruptly "Hey, what gives?!" "It'll just take a wee moment." I saw the figure of Pi shift in the dark, his foreleg was moving in some erratic pattern across the wall. There was the dull murmur of shifting machinery somewhere not too far away, and then the cheery ding of a bell. Suddenly, the my poor eyes were filled with blinding yellow light, searing my retinas for the second time since I stepped out of Fluttershy's cottage. It took me a mere moment to blink away the brightness, the source of the illumination was from the inside of the next room. Pi casually sauntered in a small, boxlike room with mirrored walls and bronze polished floor--Oh wait, it was just an elevator. I hobbled in and the doors closed shut behind me. I noticed that the elevator went to only two floors: up and down. Naturally, I pressed the down. Then came that familiar feeling of weighing less than you actually do that always accompanied an elevator ride. I would know, I had a job on the sixteenth floor of an office building for three years. ... "I didn't know Equestria had elevators." I said, making conversation on this strangely lengthy ride. "They don't." ... "Jesus, how far down does this thing go? We had to have went like twenty floors down or something." "Curious one, aren't ya?" I shrugged, opting to say nothing. Ding! "That's our cue, laddie." Then the door opened. What was beyond them...I had not expected. Not at all. It was breathtaking, to say the least. The cavernous expanse of the room dwarfed the comparatively smaller figures of Pi and I. I hadn't before seen ceilings this high, except at a close-domed football field. The walls sparkled and glittered like they were made from gold, yet they had coloration closer to copper or bronze. They shone with the reflection of the dull yellow light cast by some sort of massive luminescent stones that were placed at even intervals. The architecture really reminded me of a cathedral, with the high ceilings and towering support pillars, yet it was spartan, in a way. There were few aesthetic decorations to speak of, it was almost empty, save for a set of semicircular modules at the very center. The sound of my crutches echoed off of the walls loudly as we strode further into the room toward the modules. "Whoo!" I hollered. "Whoo! Whoo! Whoo....whoo ..." the room returned. "WHOO!" I repeated. The same thing happened, only a little bit louder than the first time. "RIIIII-COOO-LAAAAA!" "LAAA! Laaa! La...La ..." "CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOOON, THERE'LL BE PEACE WHEN Y--" For the second time that day, Pi gagged me with his hoof "For goodness sake, can't you just be silent for one iota of a second and pay attention?!" I was about to reply back with something snarky, but my joke died before I could let it out. "What happened to you accent?" He snorted mirthlessly "Something to fool all of the gullible mortals up top." he said in a distinctly not-Irish accent. His voice actually sounded kinda normal, too. "They think of me as some kind of eccentric noble with a vacation home in their town rather than an scientist trying to unlock the secrets of their universe." "Makes sense, I guess." I said, stopping a moment to lean on one of the crutches "But is the accent really necessary?" "No...but what is life without whimsy?" "A dull life, that's what." He hummed thoughtfully "Indeed." He turned to trot the rest of the way to the control panels "Now, if you'll excuse me I need to set up shop. Feel free to ask me whatever you want while I work, but don't be too broken up if I choose not to answer certain questions." Oooh, finally! Somebody was going to make sense of this. "Okay, so...let's start of with the easy stuff. Who are you?" "I am Pi." said Pi. "Nononono, your science group-thingy. Who are you as a whole?" "Ahh, that makes more sense now. Please be a little more specific with our questions." He stopped in the dead center of the semicircle and began to mutter to himself. "Now where did they install the-- Ah! Here it is." He punched a fairly large, bright red button on the panel and the whole thing flicked to life with a faint buzz. There was an audible rumble and tiny vibrations in the air as some machine off in the far corner of the room began to turn its gears. "We are the Precursors." He went on, absorbed into looking at a faintly glowing screen and not at me "A race of hyper-intelligent and highly sophisticated beings that have dedicated their lives to the pursuit scientific discovery and technological development. We could be called "gods", as well. The other immortal beings seem to consider us as such, as well as a minor planet full of mortal worshippers. Though, we are not gods in the religious sense like your Roman or Hindu gods. We have merely created the technology to extend our lives indefinitely and to harness the raw energies of our universe. We did not ascend to this state through any kind of divine sorcery, we built it on our own. While we may rival these other dieties that participate in the Chess Game, we are nothing more than biological organisms that live and breathe as you humans do." For the first time today, I was rendered speechless. That's some heavy shit to take on in a day! This is coming from a guy who spent his pre-teen and teen years being educated in a private Catholic school by a bunch of crotchety old nuns. You know, the "You're going to Hell because you masturbate!" types. It was kind of hard to believe that you were standing in the presence of an immortal being. Sure, Fluttershy had given me the lowdown on how this Chess Game thingy worked, she said that I had been sent here by a god, but I didn't really believe it until then. I had grown up believing that you don't get to learn exactly how this whole god thing worked until you died and went to where ever you were supposed to go. And then...I felt as if I was allowed to know something before my time. "So, gods huh?" I finally managed to blurt out. Pi furrowed his brow at me "No, Precursors, not gods. Though we may qualify as deities with the immortals that host these games, we do not consider ourselves as such." "So what kind of immortal are you?" I asked. "I'm sorry?" "How immortal are you? Are you the kind that can never ever die no matter what you do or have done to you, or the kind that lives forever until something cuts your head off?" "I don't want to answer that." He went back to laboring at his controls "We do not even--" He stopped pulling levers and punching buttons to slam his hoof on the controls with a resounding bang "Blast these horacious hooves! Why did I not remove them in the first place?!" "Huh?" was my oh-so-clever response. "Excuse me for a moment." Pi then preceded to grab the pendant hanging from his neck and rip it off. There was a flash of blinding white light, much like the flash that had transported me here. It seems like somebody somewhere hsd declared that day "Screw with Si's Vison Day". When I rubbed the stars from my eyes yet again, Pi was no longer there. Well, it WAS still Pi. At least that's what I had thought. Standing right where the earth pony had stood was a strange creature that I had only seen a single one of in my whole life. Pi had become short, fuzzy, and (most importantly) orange, just like myself. He was a... whatever I was. Though, we bore some obvious differences. His fur was a shade of orange that reminded me of traffic cones, as opposed to my basketball colored coat. Secondly, he had clothes; it was just a simple pair of slacks, a plain white undershirt, and a dirty old lab coat plastered with stains and torn in a few places, but it was more than I had. Lastly, even though his body was covered in fur, this guy still had some big time Elvis Presley sideburns. "Woah. Didn't see that coming." It seemed that the weird events for that day were not quite over yet. What else could happen? I mean, what could have possibly been stranger than that? Wait, never mind. I don't want to know, so please don't tell me. "Ahh, much better." he cheerily declared before immediately going back to pushing buttons and staring at a retro-futuristic computer screen. "Huh. So that's what I am." I said "You made me a Precursor, or whatever." "No." "Wait, no? How can I not be! You look just like I do." He scoffed "Have you not listened to me at all since we stepped into this room? I said that Precursors are immortal beings, and you are as mortal as you could possibly be." "Well, if I'm not a Precursor, then what the hell did you turn me in to?" Beep beep boop. He was working that control panel like a boss. "You are what we were before we ascended; an ottsel ." "Ott-suhl..." I rolled the word around on my tongue as if it were a fine wine "An ottsel. Hmm...Ottsel." "We would've liked to make you a Precursor like us," Pi said "It would most definitely make you a more useful assistant. But, alas, this cosmic game as a slew of highly restricting rules and eddicts, and making your chess peice unkillable would break rule number one: no giving them an divine advantage over the others." "Uh huh. So this game..." "The Chess Game of the Gods, as we call it." "Right, right, I get it. But, why are you playing it? Is there a reward for the winners? Or is it just for shits and giggles?" "That doesn't matter, we are not playing it." "I feel like I'm repeating myself, but huh?" Pi's body froze for an instant, his newly formed hands hovering over the control panel. His voice was hesitant at first "The game is merely a means to an end. My people don't care for the glory and control that these other petty immortals squabble over without end. What would be the point? Those so-called gods? They're nothing but imbeciles. Their behavior since the beginning of time has always been the same: kill, destroy, and take what isn't theirs. They only wish to murder one another in a mad quest for influence over their mortal worshippers and the power to destroy them, if they wish. The fighting will never end. Never. At least, not until there is only one of them left sitting atop a pile of their dead brethren, with everything in existence at the tips of their wretched fingers." "Woah. I kinda hit a sore spot, there. Didn't I?" "Yes." "So, if you hate all the gods, then why play games with them?" He sighed and turned to look me dead in the eye. "Ever since this accursed game began, Equestria has been off limits. Rule number two of the Chess Game is that immortals cannot directly influence the inhabitants of this world, their own chess peices, or any opposing chess peices. We've wanted to study this universe for quite some time now, but that dammed rule has prevented us from making any real progress in unlocking the mysteries of this place. We still tried to study it, but the other players accused us of breaking that rule, even though we wanted no part of their game. The data that we've collected before we brought you here was wiped as a punishment, and we were set back to square one." "Damn, all you wanted to do was learn about Equestria. But...where do I fit in to this? Do you think that they would take off all the red tape if I won?" "Don't you see? You don't need to win to be the solution to this problem. We can't directly gather information on this universe, but you can. You can do whatever you please to this world and face no reprocussions from the rules. You can be the one to collect data for us." Then it all fell into place. I wasn't here to be the deadliest warrior or some shit, hell no. If they wanted to win, they would've made me a dragon, or a t-rex, or a Mary Sue alicorn OC. They weren't playing to win, they just wanted me to get up close and personal to Equestria for them. It was actually kind of smart, if you ask me. "If you have no further questions, I realize that we have yet to ask you for your own stand on our work relationship, and I apologize on behalf of my people. We did drag you here without explicit permission, after all. So if you wish to return to your planet, we will send you back as soon as you are ready." "Uhmm..." I hesitated. That would have probably been my one and only chance to go back home, right then and there. It's every brony's dream to live here, right? Equestria... it wasn't as I expected it to be. Well, it actually looked and felt exactly like you would imagine it to be, but I believed that going there would have been under different circumstances. I always thought that if I actually did become a HiE, it would be under all the cliché circumstances that you'd read in the typical fanfiction, and not through a gladiator-style game. Well, you know what they say about beggars and choosers. "When do I start?" Pi looked surprised for a moment, as if he had nit expected me to accept so quickly. His dumb look quickly melted away to a sly, toothy grin. He spun around and yanked one final lever with all of his might. I was suddenly away of how the entire room was awash in a sapphire blue sea of light. A gigantic image of what I assumed to be a map of Equestria floated in the air, suspended by some unknown force. I quickly realized that it was a big hologram, like in The Avengers or something. "Immediately."
(4) The Science of Collecting Data
In the Name of Science Chapter Four: The Science of Collecting Data
Well, you know what they say about beggars and choosers. "When do I start?"
Pi looked surprised for a moment, as if he had not expected me to accept so quickly. His dumb look quickly melted away to a sly, toothy grin. He spun around and yanked one final lever with all of his might. I was suddenly away of how the entire room was awash in a sapphire blue sea of light. A gigantic image of what I assumed to be a map of Equestria floated in the air, suspended by some unknown force. I quickly realized that it was a big hologram, like in The Avengers or something.
"Immediately."
A Day Later. . .
...an icy shiver ran its way down my spine as the dirty stallion pressed the rusty dull knife up against my exposed throat. I clenched my teeth to keep from screaming. There was no way out of this now; I was caught between a brick wall and a pony who wanted my blood. Nowhere to run, no way to fight, I was at his complete mercy, and he wasn't looking to be in a merciful mood.
My god... Ten minutes ago, Equestria was a land of sunshine and rainbows. What the hell happened between then and--
Oh, right. I should probably explain. Rewind.
<<
"Gaaaaaah! Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod!"
Old man Gravity yanked my body downward at the speed of a bullet. The wind whipped and roared--
Hold it! Too far back. Fast forward.
>>
... laid on my back, dirty and exhausted before the flaming the wreckage of that dammed airship. My chest heaved up and down as I tried to regain my breath. God, did I just really survive that? I felt up my whole body; heart still beating, lungs still breathing, still had all my limbs, still had my tail. Yep, I did just survive that. I pulled the shiny prize from my coat pocket. All this, just for a little--
Woah! Go back! GO BACK!
<<
I was standing in a nice grassy field about a quarter mile outside of Ponyville. The cool spring...
Perfect. Stay right there.
...breeze gently rustled my sensitive orange fur as it blew its was across the grasslands, making me feel all tingly all over. This area outside of town was truly the most peaceful place that I had ever been in all my life. And that's coming from a guy who spend his nights and some of his days sleeping through weekend parties, traffic jams, car alarms, and all other kinds of noise pollution. The silence out here was almost totally alien to me. The only sounds that reached my ears was the soothing, endless song of grass blades rustling in the wind and the occasional merry chirp of a distant bird.
It was beautiful. Back in New York, the closest that I've ever gotten to natural beauty like this was Central Park, and that paled in comparison to the sprawling carpets of grass, littered with the flamboyant colors of the wildflowers that peppered the landscape. It was a place of serenity. No one got mugged or stabbed here, there were no ten car pileups, there were no gang wars, there were no meth labs set up, or prostitutes standing on the corners. There was only the grass, the flowers, the wind, and I.
The last three hours had been a blur of new things and new information to process. Pi had explained more of his science-ey stuff as he piled heaps of gear on me. Beautiful, lovely gear.
The first thing that the Precursor had gifted me with was a set of clothes. "Here, put these on." he said "I shouldn't have been letting you run around naked as much as you have." Then he handed me a pile of clothes and we had a mildly award moment where I got dressed in front of him. I didn't know whether or not I should have been embarrassed that I had been streaking through Ponyville the whole time. Eh, whatever, I was just grateful to have a new set of threads.
Pi told that I needed something sturdy to wear out in the field. I had put on a pair of breathtakingly soft tidy-whitey underpants, a pair of classic blue carpenter jeans, a plain white t-shirt , and a nice denim jacket to match the jeans. Odd, he didn't give me any shoes. Huh. As if shoes could fit these floppy feet anyway.
I asked him if I could swap the jacket out for something in the ballpark of a brown leather duster with a matching fedora. He simply chuckled and asked "What kind of effect do you think wearing the tanned skin of a mammal would have on a population consisting chiefly of hardcore herbivores? Besides, it's a cliché. I'm not a fan of clichés." What a stick in the mud.
Then he told me to hold out my right arm and pull up my sleeve. I did so, and then he shackled my wrist with what he called "the most important tool you'll ever see in your tragically short life." It was like some kind of metal vambrace slash bracelet. The bracelet was made from the same coppery metal as everything else that the Precursors owned, and it was carved with the same runic symbols as that thing that Cosine had tossed me back on Earth. It was kind of heavy, too. It was like wearing an ankle weight on your wrist. I was gonna have a hell of a time lugging this around.
"Don't lose it." he said "Though it might be difficult to do so since taking the brace off will require the removal your hand." Oh, that's nice to know. I was absolutely sure that this thing was gonna be a pain in the ass now.
I asked him what the bracelet did, he simply told me it was for "Collecting data." and he said it in a real creepy way, like you'd hear those words coming from a guy offering you free candy and puppies when you were a kid.
Next up was a regular cotton backpack, dyed brown, and a pouch full of jingily golden bits, I took those greatfully. Oh ho ho...money money moooo-naaay! Those coins were real freaking gold, too! I found that there were one hundred bits in total when I counted them later. According to my headcanon for currency in Equestria, this should be enough to live on for a week or so. Or not.
Lastly came a simple Precursor metal sphere. It was about the size of a baseball to me, and covered in their trademark language. "What's this for?" I asked "Jesus, it's heavier than a freakin' cannonball."
Pi called it the "Multitool." He said that it was made up of a morphic material that took years of R and D to blah blah blah blah...and that it could rearrange its shape and size to imitate any simple physical object its user could imagine. Well, hot damn! If that wasn't useful for something, then my name wasn't Silus White.
He explained that it was voice activated, and all I had to due was hold the ball, picture an object, and say its name. One, two, three, boom. You've got whatever you want. The first thing I made was a hammer. Watching that thing work... it was like seeing water come to life! The ball of amorphous liquid just melted in my hand and rapidly shaped itself into the outline of a blacksmith's hammer and went solid again. It was still shiny and bronze, and the runes were still present. It lookes like a weapon from an RPG series.
Then I had an idea. If it could become pretty much anything, then any medieval tool or weapon that my mind could conjure up was a possibility. Oh yes, it was fun. With but a single word from my lips, I had in my hand a scythe, a sword, a flail, a spear, an axe, a katana, a dagger, a quarterstaff, a halbred, anything . I could make it into a shield, but that left me without a sword. I could turn it to a bow without any arrows or into an arrow without a bow. I tried to make it into a .357 magnum double action revolver, but it just buzzed at me like I had guessed the wrong letter on Wheel of Fortune. It turned out, there were far too many moving parts in a modern firearm, it would just push the multitool beyond its limits. Oh well, it wasn't like I could find any .357 mag rounds in a world that hasn't invented guns yet. Though, I could make it into a flintlock pirate era gun, but that left me with the same reoccurring ammo problem. But explosive powder and lead balls might be easier to find than I thought.
That "multitool" thing was the single greatest toy on the planet.
And finally, the last thing I got was some kind of flask, like the kind people slip into their jackets when they need to take a sip of whiskey every now and again. He said drink, and I shotgunned the entire bottle. Jesus H. Christ on ice...it tasted like warm, non alcoholic, stale, fizzless beer mixed with that nasty grape cough syrup that my parents always force fed me when I had a cold. My insides immediately tried to eject that demonic swill out of my body the same way that it came in, and it nearly did, too. It took all of my power not to spew all over the floor. Soon enough, my stomach settled and I wasn't in any danger of erupting.
"Wow." Pi said "I didn't think that you'd actually do it."
"Oh you suck..."
As nasty as it tasted, that shit was like some kind of miracle medicine. Two minutes and a desperate plea for mouthwash later, I could walk on my own two feet without the monkey crutches. Though, feeling the muscles inside my body slosh around of their own accord like some sick-o replaced my insides with jello is not something I wanted to feel a second time. But hey, at least my leg was healed!
"Groovy."
And so, an hour later, I ended up out there in the grassy outskirts of Ponyville, about to preform our first "Field Test."
"Now tell me again why I'm out here." I asked the bracelet. It also served as a direct line of communication to Pi, by the way. That was kinda cool, having the only walkie-talkie in the world.
"We need a place with little background noise to preform this first experiment. " his dry voice echoed inside my brain. Woah, it might take a while for me to get used to that. How did he talk inside my head anyway? Eh, that's just another freaky mystery that I'll have to solve later.
"What are we experimenting on?"
"The speed of sound. We need to get a good feel for the basic laws of physics in Equestria before we can get any major research done. "
"Can't we just ask somebody around here what it is? I think the Precursors aren't the only scientists on this planet." I'm pretty sure a certain purple alicorn princess would know. That gave me a nice excuse to go and see the best pony.
"Then that takes all the fun out of it! It's like asking somebody how a book ends before you've finished this first chapter! "
"Alright, alright, I get it. Just tell me what you need me to do."
"It's quite simple really, all you need to do is make a loud noise about ten feet away from yourself. The instruments in your bracelet will then feed the raw information back to my lab and I can use it to calculate the speed of sound. Maximum efficiency. "
"Okay, sounds kinda easy. But how am I gonna do that?"
"Honestly, must I think of everything ? You have an acceptable IQ, figure it out for youself."
"Lazy." I muttered.
Okay, think think think think think...I need a loud sound, it has to be twenty feet away, and it has to be out here in an empty field. Hmm...
The gears in my head turned. Wait...
"Fluttershy!"
Loading, please wait. . .
The top half of the brightly painted red door swung open to reveal the head and shoulder of one yellow pegasus pony.
"Hello?" Fluttershy asked "Who's there?"
I loudly cleared my throat "Down here."
Fluttershy cast her eyes downward to meet my own "Oh, Silus! Where did you get those clothes?"
"A, uh, friend." I answered, unsure if I should let her in on the whole "Precursor" thing.
Her look of curiosity instantly turned into a warm, genuine smile "My, you make friends fast." Had she been suspicious of me, she was very good at hiding it.
I smiled too, but more to myself than to her "Yeah, that's always been a little gift of mine. Anyhoo, I've come to return these--" I grabbed the pair of monkey crutches from their spot leaning up on the side of her cottage "Thanks for letting me borrow them."
She opened the bottom half of her door and accepted the crutches, with a dumbfounded look. "You can heal even faster than you make friends! That's amazing. Just let me put these away." There was no way that she wasn't suspicious. She returned deeper into the cottage, and came back to the doorway a minute "Did you need anything?"
I lowered my eyes timidly "Well, uh...I know that you've done so much for me already, and it's not my place to ask, but--" Oh great, I was about to be THAT guy. You know, the one who does nothing but free load off of your good will until you can't take their shit anymore and you're forced to plant your boot firmly up their ass. Yeah, that guy. "Can you do me another, tiny, effortless little thing? I swear, I'll owe you like five favors if you say yes. But, I'll understand completely if you say no. I mean, you saved my life. What more could I want from a girl, I mean mare, who did that, right? Y'know what, never mind. I'll just--"
"Silus!" Flutteshy cut me off. She looked at me in kind of a... a funny way. It wasn't negative like she was angry or irritated, though. This is Fluttershy, after all. "Silus." she said in a totally neutral tone.
I shrunk away a bit "Yeah?" It looked like I was that guy for sure.
"You were never at any time a burden on me." She said with seriously OOC sternness "You are just about the most well mannered and polite guest that I've ever had in my home. And if you think that I would just turn somepony in need away after they've been though such a life-changing experience, then you've got another thing coming, buster!"
"Oh."
Oh... Element of Kindness. Right. But was I really not a hassle to take care of? I mean, she's already fed me, made me tea, offered me a place to sleep, lent me some crutches, and even saved my life . I've already dominated most of her day, and given nothing back in return but a few barely meaningful words of thanks. How could she be okay with me asking more of her? Even if it would cost her only a few minutes. I only took, and all she did was give give give. How can she trust me enough to do all of that without a second thought?
I guessed that it was true; Equestria really wasn't anything like Earth.
"Sorry, I just... It's different where I come from. Like, waaay different"
She nodded sagely "I understand. Now what did you need me to do?"
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Derp "I'll tell you on the way."
Loading, please wait. . .
"It's easy, just stand over there--" I pointed to a spot that was probably far enough away to work "--and yell at me when I give you the signal."
Fluttershy nodded "Okay." Then she trotted off merrily.
"Why do they need to know the speed of sound anyway?" she asked.
"That's a good question." I pulled up my sleeve to reveal Pi's bracelet "Why do you need to know the speed of sound?" I asked the chunk of jewelry.
"Because, " He replied irritability "the speed of sound is a highly important variable in a countless number of equations that your feeble mortal mind can't even begin to solve. "
"He said he needs it to do math!" I hollered at Shy.
"I guess that makes sense, sort of."
I turned back to the bracelet "Whenever you're ready."
"I am right now, and you may proceed. Just present the bracelet so that it gets a clear reception, so don't have it brushing against your clothes or anything of the like. "
"Got it, boss-man." I held out my orange arm at a ninety deree angle "Ready!"
Fluttershy took in a dramatically deep breath... and let it out in the weakest bellowing that I had ever heard "Hell-ooooo! "
"My, what lungs she has. " Pi drawled sarcastically "It needs to be louder, much louder for the instruments to be able to read it. "
My palm met my face with an audible slap. I'm an idiot sometimes. This was Fluttershy! She's about as loud as a marshmallow landing on a bed of goose down pillows. Wow, I was a really bad brony sometimes.
"Okay, new plan." I said, then stuffed my hand hand in my front breast pocket and retrieved a tin case and a pack of matches, which I had found in a general store a few minutes after I left Pi's basement slash science lab-thingy.
I opened the case to reveal a neat collection of long, off-white cylinders of hoof-wrapped tobacco. Who knew that there were any smokers in Ponyville? Though, they looked like a lot like joints. I guessed that ponies hadn't yet thought to make filters for their smokes. That meant that there were sadly no menthol 100s in Equestria.
I bit down the cigarette and lit it. I took a deep drag off of the smoke, letting the feeling of-- "Ack! " God damn, these things were not smooth, not at all! I erupted into a a fit of dry, painful coughing. I hadn't heard a smoker's cough from my own lungs in a long time.
"Oh,--" I hacked again "what the hell?" Cough cough cough. I definitely wasn't used to unfiltered, home grown tobacco.
'Could you please refrain from smoking, please?' Pi's bored voice echoed in my head 'We worked hard on the body that you're currently abusing, don't start giving it lung cancer already. ' New body meant new lungs. New lungs meant I had to get used to smoking a second time. Crap.
This would probably be the best possible opportunity to quit smoking, but... "Screw you!" I exclaimed, taking a small puff from the cigarette. Cough.
"Screw who?" Fluttershy asked.
Oh yeah, Shy probably couldn't hear me since he's not really using sound to speak to me. "The voices in my brain!" I cheerily answered.
She just looked at me like I had told her the grass was blue and the sky was green. "Ohhhh-kay then."
I took another drag from the smoke. Cough. Alright, I needed something that could make Fluttershy loud, something to make her want to scream. The gears in my head turned.
I could've made her angry by stepping on a bug or something, but that would be just plain dickish of me. Plus, I had no idea if she has any lingering FlutterHulk in her. Unlikely, but I didn't want to take the chance. Oh! Maybe if she had a firecracker or something... but where would I get one of those? That general store might have had some, but I was too damn lazy to walk a quarter mile back to Ponyville. I already did it for Fluttershy, and I didn't want to do it again. What else makes a loud noise?
Perhaps this multitool thingy of mine could be of use. Now, what's a simple object that could make a lot of noise? Hmmm, maybe an airhorn? No, those things aren't so simple. Oh, what are those things that kind of look like a rolled up tube of toothpaste that people have on New Years, the ones you blow in and they make an annoying noise? Would that even be loud enough? Probably not, and I wasn't sure if you could make those out of metal anyway. Damn, this was hard.
I scratched my goatee. Scratching or stroking your beard when you're thinking always helps. It's true, I've seen it in movi-- Ooohhh, I know! Why didn't I think of this sooner?
I fished the heavy tool, which I had made in the shape of a small cube for easy storage, out of my pocket. Even though it was the size of a die, this thing was still weighed about twenty pounds. I wondered why that was.
A triumphant grin spread across my face as I proudly declared "Whistle!"
The tool again turned to a shiny liquid that shaped itself into a bronze colored whistle like you'd see around the neck of a drill sargent or gym teacher. Voila.
"Catch." I tossed it to Flutters, who instead of catching, curled up and scooted away from the whistle like it was a red rubber ball. Huh. I guessed Shy's gotta shy.
I took a puff of my smoke. Cough. "Nice catch."
He face flared up as red as a Ferrari. "Oh, sorry. It's... it's just a reflex..."She grabbed the whistle in her teeth and hoisted it up with a labored grunt. "Mpph mp mmfmmf!"
"I know, right? It's so tiny, but it's like lifting a dumbell. "
"Mm mf mmphmf?"
"No, it's not magic, it's technology. Trippy, ain't it?"
'How in the world do you understand her? ' Pi asked.
"I used to intern at a dental office before I wanted to be an actor."
'Ah. '
"Mmphmm?"
"Yeah, I'm ready. Go." I extended my bracelet arm.
The whistle was perfect. Fluttershy sent a piercing note through the air, scaring the hell out of any nearby birds and making me flatten my ears to my head. What the shit?! That hurt my ears like you wouldn't believe! It was like I pissed off an invisible banshee. When did whistling make your brain melt in your skull?!
'Oops. I should explain the difference between an ottsel's and human's perception of frequency... "
"Ack. No thanks, absent-minded professor. I think I've figured it out already." I rubbed my temples in an effort to alleviate the mental pain. It didn't work. "Anyway, did that do the trick?"
'Yes .'
"Thank god."
'Give me a moment to process the data, I'll be right back.'
"Take your time, man."
Fluttershy spat out the ten ton whistle and rolled her sore jaw around a few times before asking "Who are you talking to?"
"The guy who sent me here. Well, one of them anyway. He uses this thingy--" I gestured to the bracelet "--to talk inside my head."
"Oh. I just thought you were crazy."
I chuckled to myself "You and me both, sister."
"So, is that it" she asked "I have to go check on Angel Bunny, if you don't need anything else."
"Oh, yeah, that's it. Thanks SO much for doing this. I'll see ya tonight, coz Pi won't let me crash at his joint."
She smiled and turned to trot away "Bye."
'Fascinating! ' Pi's disembodied voice exclaimed.
What perfect plot timing. "What is it?" I asked
'The speed of sound on this planet is incredibly similar to ninety five percent of all other universes that we've studied.'
I blinked. "Uh...kay?"
'You don't understand, I gleaned as much. You see, Silus, the speed of sound on earth is approximately seven hundered and sixty one point two miles per hour at or around sea level. The Equestrian Mach one is seven hundred and sixty one point oh five three in the same conditions! This is phenomenonal. '
"And I should care...why?"
'Don't you see?! This raises a thousand more questions that we nees to answer! For example, the phenomenon that you call a 'Sonic Rainboom' should be completely impossible in an environment with an air density like this. Those pegasai beings should be torn apart like tissue paper when they reach speeds in the lower hundreds of miles an hour, but they don't. Why is that? '
"Magic." I deadpanned.
'Pah! Magic is merely science that one has yet to explain. Your kind used to believe that lighting was the wrath of your gods; a kind of magic in itself. Through the proper use of the scientific method, your scholars learned that it was merely massive electrostatic discharges from within large storm systems. There was nothing divine about it. '
I flicked some ashes off my smoke and onto the ground. The world was my ashtray! "Sure. Fascinating. You have your data, what now?"
'Simple. We collect more. '
"Fan-freakin'-tastic."
'Oh, don't be so unenthusiastic. You'll likely be doing this for years to come. You may as well get used to it. Now, we should move on to our next test. In addition to the speed of sound, I'll need to measure the gravity of this planet. '
"How?"
'I'll need you to fall from something at least twenty feet high, the bracelet will do the rest. '
Oh dear god in heaven. "Can I pass on this one? You just fixed my leg, there's no point in breaking it again,"
'Fine. I see your point. But you'll have to move on to the next test. '
"Kay. What is it?"
'I need a sample of an element that resides in group fourteen of the periodic table. Any solution or chemical compound with an adequate amount of that element in it should suffice. Carbon may be the easiest to aquire. '
"Oh, wait, I know this one. Carbon is found in living things, right?" Yeah! I knew I learned something from Star Trek! Take that, mom.
'Correct. Any good sample of either flora or fauna should do. '
"Well that's easy." I bent over and plucked a handful of healthy green grass from the ground. "Now what?"
'Place it on the bracelet. '
I gently laid the strands of grass over my heavy peice of jewelry. "Okay, now--Woah!"
My right arm errupted into white hot sparks the second that I let go of the blades. It died down quickly with a little puff of smoke, but left purple floaty streaks in my eyes, the kind you get for looking at the sun for to long. When I blinked away the brightness, the grass was completely gone, like it had never even been there to begin with.
"What was that?" I asked dumbly.
'The bracelet broke the plants down at a molecular level. It lets me isolate the carbon from the undesirable elements. '
"Whatever. So what did you find out this time, professor?"
'Hmmm. It's hard to say. This sample is too small. I'll need a larger one. '
"More grass. Got it."
Just as I began to get another handful of the stuff, Pi cut me off. 'No, no, no. That would just be futile. I'm sure no amount of grass that you rip out of the dirt will suffice. We'll need a more concentrated sample. '
"What's more concentrated, then?"
'Something with a fairly large density that's made chiefly of carbon should do the trick. We need something very, very hard, and a lot of it. '
"Like?"
'You're going to have to obtain a large diamond .'
...
Well, crap.
(5) The Science of Breaking an Entering
In the Name of Science Chapter Five: The Science of Breaking an Entering Yes. A diamond. I am at least nintey four percent positive that nothing less than a diamond will be adequate. ' "Oh you are, are you?" In a highly mature manner, I blew a raspberry at the bracelet "Where in the ever loving hell am I gonna get one of those?" 'How am I to know? You're supposed to o the so-called expert on this world! ' I opened my mouth to retort, but it just hung open without sound. He was kind of right, not that I'd admit it. I should know how to get something like that in Equestria. If ponies could just dig under the ground three inches deep and find enough gems to be set for life on Earth, then one meager little rock shouldn't be too valuable on this planet, right? Hell, it wouldn't be all that expensive, either. I could've had enough left over after today's market trip to buy one. "Alright, I have an idea." I said "And she should still be open."Loading, please wait. . . The sun had already began its gradual decent below the horizon as I trudged through Ponyville. The precursor bracelet had a handy little watch function, which told me that it was around eight o' clock. Heh, what a day this had been. From playing guitar in Central Park, to falling from the sky, having my life saved, learning that I'm a guinea pig in a planet-sized gladiator arena, getting my hands on a sweet new peice of gear, and finding out that my employers are mega science nerds (oh, and the speed of sound, too). Now, I was about to go buy a bona fide diamond . I'd call that a full day! But now, that day was coming to a close. The pale blue sky of the daytime was no more, replaced by a pallet of warm shades that washed across the sky in waves of color. Purples, reds, yellows, and mostly oranges mixed and mingled above, creating a work of natural art that no painter could ever replicate in their lifetime. I stood at the door of the...Carousel Boutique. Blegh. Just hearing that name in my head made my testosterone level drop. The building itself was even worse than its moniker; most of the outside was the color of flamingos, that specific shade of pink made me want to go home, eat cake and dark chocolate as I watched "The Notebook" and talked about my feelings. Regardless, I needed to see the pony inside. I stood on my tiptoes and knocked as high up on the door as I could. Hopefully, Rarity was in the mood to sell off some of her gems. I instantly regretted that decision because I had no plan of attack, so to speak. I couldn't just say "Hai Rarity, my name's Si and I'm a human! Can I have some of your precious gems for my science project? " How could I explain to her why I knew she would have any? It was too late anyway. Moments later, the door to the shop swung open, nearly clocking me in the face because apparently the door went out rather than in. What I had not expected, was the pony behind said door. Instead of seeing the kneecaps (do ponies have kneecaps?) of that white dressmaking pony, I met the eyes of the one and only vannila ice cream-colored Sweetie Belle. "Uh, hi." she said, eyeing me warily with those green orbs of hers. I half-expected her to have a robot voice. "Hey, what are you?" Funny, people-- er, ponies tend to ask who are you before they ask what are you . How rude. "I'm a musician." I answered. She rolled her eyes at me. "No, I mean what kind of animal. I've never seen one like you before." "Oh." I said "Well, heck if I know." This gained me a raised eyebrow from the filly. 'You're an ottsel! ' Pi protested. Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that. "Oh-kaaaay," she droned "but what do you want?" Oh shit! Quick, think of a good lie! Ummmm... "I'm going door to door looking for somepony who will sell me a small diamond for, uh, a science project of mine." Technically it was the truth. This was just the first door that I tried. "Will anyone here be willing to part with one?" She shrugged. How ponies do that without falling over, I'll never know. "I dunno. Let me check." She turned away from me to shout farther into the shop "Hey, Rarity! Somepony at the door wants a diamond!" A voice with a cheesy high-class accent came back "A diamond? Gracious. I'll be there, just give me a moment, please." Soon, the Element of Generosity came trotting out from another room. I barely held back a snicker the moment I laid eyes upon Rarity. She had the goofiest -looking set of curlers in her hair. Knowing Rarity's Modus Operandi, I felt like I should say something, but it was just too damn funny to ruin! "What? What is it?" she asked innocently, before glancing up at her own beehive of hairstyling devices. "Oh, Celestia take me!" Before I knew it, the door slammed in my face. 'That went well. ' Pi commented. I let a small smirk find its way on to my face "Waaaaait for it..." Three, two, one... Just as quickly as it had slammed, the door reopened, this time revealing the default wavy-maned Rarity. Jesus, she looked exactly like she did in the show, only life sized. Shocking, I know, but I just couldn't get over the fact that they were actually real . I'd come to terms with it eventually, but at that moment, I was determined to suck every last drop of joy out of the magical talking rainbow ponies as I could. "What are you staring at, sir?" she asked, coaxing me out of my awestruck daze "Heavens, do I have something in my teeth, too!?" Rarity instantly pulled a mirror out of nowhere and bared her teeth at it like an animal. Her teeth, for the record, were all pearly white and unblemished. A dentist's dream. Agggh! I couldn't take it, she was just so Rarity-ey ! Needless to say, it was awesome, but I was still there for a reason. "I, uhhh, I'm here too ask you if you or someone you know could possibly be interested in selling any amount of pure diamond to me and my organization at an elevated market price that would be an immediate profit to you." I was pretty good at faking the whole "door to door salesman" thing. God knows I've seen a few of those in my time. Rarity put a hoof to her chin and hummed, seeming to put some thought into my slightly fibbed proposal. "Dear, you should really reconsider that outfit. Look at the color of it! That shade of blue denim really clashes with your darker coat. Then again, not too many colors go well with orange. Perhaps a nice brown blazer with a--" "Miss." I interrupted, making sure this time to not call her by name and cause a major freak-out. I'd admit that her advice wasn't at all that flattering. I liked this jacket! I didn't want something brown and boring--unless it was a coat that was made from the tanned flesh of a cow that was long enough to go down to my ankles and came with a P.I. fedora. "Oh, sorry about that. Bad habit." she said, shaking the fashion-themed thoughts from her head "And no, I won't sell you any diamonds. Well, I would, but I don't have any!" "What?" How could Rarity not have any diamonds?! She had three of them tattooed on her ass, for Christ's sake. That's like the Cookie Monster saying he didn't have any cookies! "Belive me, I normally have an extravagant stock of gems, but you know how it is with the embargo and all." I cocked a bushy orange eyebrow "Embargo?" "Yes, the embargo." "What embargo?" Scratch that, what IS an embargo? She looked at me as if I had asked her what a pony was. "You truly don't know? Why, Equestria has been talking about it for over half a year! You can't say that you haven't heard about the gem embargo." I shrugged "I haven't read a newspaper since I was fifteen." "It doesn't ring a bell? You haven't learned of the slave labor or the diamond dog revolution?" "Nope." "Wow." Sweetie commented from deeper inside the shop "You must be paying too much on your house insurance, because you live under a rock!" Rarity turned around and barked "Sweetie! Manners!" She gave me a genuinely sympathetic look "Equestria has stopped buying gems from most diamond dog cities that used slave labor for over seven months now. Gems are a rarity in these parts, I'm afraid. Even I don't have a single diamond in the house! Well, I do have my great grandmother's old necklace, that has a diamind in it, but that's a family heirloom! I wouldn't ever part with that." Rarity smiled sadly "I'm sorry. Perhaps you can find a dealer up in Canterlot." Great. Juuuuust great. There goes the prospect of buying one. And what the hell was with diamond dogs and slave labor? This is Equestria! Land of rainbow sunshine ponies. There shouldn't be any slave labor here. Though, come to think of it, after seeing A Dog and Pony Show I shouldn't have been suprised at the idea of slavery. But was it really on such a mass scale that Equestria had to take action? Jesus Christ. Whatever. Slavery or no, I still couldn't get a diamond. I politely thanked Rarity for her time and went on my way, grumbling to myself. "Alright," I said to Pi "What's next? The diamond thing is a no-go for now." 'Wrong, it isn't. ' he cooly replied. Ugh. I really didn't want to deal with him right now."Didn't you hear? Rarity doesn't have any, and I don't think anyone in this whole town does either." 'But she does, didn't you hear? She said she had an old necklace with one. Ergo, we have our sample .' "Even if I she was willing to give it to me, what makes you think that I have something just as valuable to trade for it?" 'Then don't trade. ' "What are you--" Wait... don't trade?! Oh no. Hell no! Not a chance. "I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying." 'Oh come now! ' Pi chided 'Is the idea of theft really that alien to you? Your society idolizes people that have stolen from the rich and given to the poor! ' "Yeah, well this would stealing from the middle class and giving to myself, which it a completely different thing! I wouldn't be Robin Hood, I'd be just a common criminal." 'Crime is merely disobeying the common rules set against you by a governing body. A government which you are not a citizen under, Mister White. Therefore, you are not bound by an rules or regulations that it has set forth.' "I might not be Equestrian, but I sure as hell am American! And we don't tolerate that shit in the US of freakin' A." 'Wrong again. Since you have agreed to work for us and accept your permanent transformation into an ottsel, you have renounced your citizenship to any human government and pledged yourself to the Precursors. You follow our laws now, and as an offical of our government, I will sanction the theft of that diamond.' God damn, this guy is really pissing me off! He can say I'm not American all he wanted, there was still no chance in hell that I'd steal from Rarity, of all peopl- ponies. "No," I said simply "We'll just have to find another way. I'll go grab a shovel and a pickaxe and start digging holes everywhere of you wanted me to, but I am not stealing." 'You will. Any other way would just be an utter waste of our precious time. I won't allow you to take a week to do something that needs only a single night. ' "I, frankly, do not give a shit!" Then at once, my entire body seized up and erupted into untold levels of pain. Seeming to come out of nowhere, this unknown power forced every muscle in my body to spasm wildly. I collapsed to the ground in a helpless heap of agony, unable to scream for help. I thought I was going to die...but that would be anticlimactic, wouldn't it? No, whoever was writing this damn fan fiction wanted me alive. Asshole. Just as fast as it came, it went. I returned to normal in the time it took to blink, the only evidence of that phenomena left was a dull ache throughout my whole body. I wanted to get up, but my limbs refused to move. So I just lied there like a lump on a log. "What..." I began, but the words died in my mouth. God, I was so tired. More than anything, I just wanted this day to end! 'That was the defibrillator function of your bracelet. It was meant to restart your heart, should you die a death that you could be revived from. I find it to be more useful as a, ah..."motivational aid." ' "Go to hell." I managed to croak. 'I could deliver a lethal dose, if you wish. ' Crap. Knowing that this twisted mother humper could kill me any time that he felt like it didn't make me feel any better. In fact, it made me feel worse about pretty much everything. The rat bastard was using death threats to manipulate me into stealing jewels from innocent ponies That was just plain low; lower than an exhausted ottsel lying in the dirt. "Fine," I began to pick myself up off the ground for the umpteenth time that day. "I get the point. You say 'jump' and I say 'screw you,' then you zap me til I say 'how high, your worship?'." 'An apt description. ' " ..."Loading, please wait. . . Night. Now that my electrifying adventure had passed, I went back to Fluttershy's, but only after getting lost in Ponyville a few times (not that I minded, this place was awesome). She welcomed me back in with open arms, or rather, forelegs in her case. I managed to crawl onto her surprisingly cushy couch and catch some much needed sleep. Wonderful, beautiful, restful, reinvigorating slumber. Unfortunately, Pi apparently never needed to sleep, like, ever so he woke me up right around midnight-ish like a true douche. I, of course, begged him to do it tommorow. He just gave me a speech about not wasting my employer's precious time and blah blah blah. When that didn't work either, he gave me a much smaller taste of the defibrillator. Ouch. I climbed out from under my ridiculously comfortable blankets and tiptoed out of the cottage. One step outside, and I couldn't move. I wanted go cross back through Ponyville and get this over with, but I couldn't, I wouldn't, and I didn't. My eyes were locked upon the night sky. The stars were out. My god, the stars . They were... like nothing I could ever imagine. I was utterly entranced by the spectacular light display of whites and blues hanging above me in an endless blanket of the night. I was paralyzed. More than a hundred thousand pinpricks of twinkling light shone down upon the Equestrian landscape, each one a tiny beacon that stood out against the deep dark background of space. It was like someone had spilled sugar all over a pitch black table in the sky, like fireworks whose shining flares of light had been frozen in time, like looking at an infinite field of flickering candles. In the center if it all was the moon, like a magnet pulling all the shining metal particles around it in a swirling image of natural beauty. The crescent seemed to hang there on an invisible string, never once swaying or twisting. Nothing I had ever seen could compare. No words in the English language could ever do the night sky justice. It was almost too much to bear. I'd lived all my life in New York City. Never once had I been able to look up past the towing cityscape and see even a single point of light. The lights never go off in the city that never sleeps. In fact, I had never seen the stars at all. They were a fairy tale to me, nothing but a made up idea that you only saw in pictures and movies. I had never seen them, therefore they didn't exist. It was a fairy tale come true... in more ways than one. Was this how the people in the days past really saw the sky back on Earth? Could the settlers of the old west or the knights and peasants of the dark ages really look up on any night of the year and see these dazzling lights upon the sky? If I knew what I had been missing back then, I would have envied them. They got to see nature in raw form, without all the light pollution and industrial smog. They saw the world before we ruled it. Right then and there, I felt like the luckiest man in existence. All my life, I've been deprived ofthis, and I hadn't even known it. It felt like a long lost part if my soul had come back to me after years of being away. I felt... enlightened. I pried my eyes away from the stars to take a good, hard look at sleepy town down the moonlit path. It all suddenly seemed so trivial now, like worrying yourself to death over a speck of dirt on your window. All my pissing and moaning over how Equstria wasn't a pony-themed heaven for me amounts to absolutely nothing comapred to the wondeful world that lay around me. I was just dust in the wind, like a single cup of water in the the lake of history. For the first time in recent memory, I felt small . 'Taking our sweet time, are we? ' Pi snarked inside my head. "Enjoying the veiw." I answered dreamily. I was still angry at Pi, but it didn't seem to last. It didn't matter anymore. I shook myself out of the hypnosis that the sky had put me in. I could stare at it all night after this was over. I had a store to rob. Gah...all those years of parenting and discipline from my mom and dad seemed to urnfurl before my very eyes. Need science, but don't got the cash? Just break in to an innocent pony's fashion shop and grab the biggest gem you can find! It'll be alright, just don't get caught and you'll be golden. I didn't want to do it, I hated the idea, but I had to. Either she lost a rock, or I get zapped to death by a psyco scientist living in a souped-up basement. Besides, it's not like Rarity will lose anything that she needed to survive, she said herself that she couldn't give it up, probably even for a boatload of money. It would've just sit there collecting dust for a million years. Once it's gone, I'll only cause her a little distress, then she'll get over it like everyone does eventually. I steeled myself for what was to come, then took a starlight stroll through the town and back to the boutique. I didn't get lost again, thankfully. It wasn't as dark as you would think, a combination of the flickering stars and the radiant moon shed just enough light for me to see where I'm going. The boutique was just the same as it had been hours ago, as expected. Geez, it still managed to be a beacon of utter girlishness, even in the dead of night. I feared that I might turn ten different shades of pink and baby blue the moment that I stepped through the door. Okay...First off, I had to get in. That should've been easy to accomplish, seeing as how the lack of a crime rate in this town made the folks feel all safe and secure... Probably. Hopefully. Next, I had to find the diamond. Not so easy, seeing as how the only thing I actually knew of it was that it existed. Third, I had to get out without waking up either pony inside. If I got caught in the act...yeesh . I really didn't want to piss Rarity off. Step one: get in. I sauntered up the the brightly painted door and tried to pull it open. It was locked. Duh. No key under the mat, either. Eh, it was worth a shot anyway. "Okay, next." I muttered to myself. 'Wait a sec, ' I thought 'what's that? ' I squinted in the dark at a little mark in the door. It was all ragged and splinter-ey, like some little kid carved it in with a screwdriver as some kind of practical joke. The mark looked kinda like a capital F, but it was backwards, and with three lines going out from the stick instead of the usual two. It looked like a caveman's drawing of a key, or a comb. Huh, strange, but I had bigger concerns, like breaking an entering. It took a bit of effort to climb up on to the window sill, since I was only about two and a half feet tall--a fact that the world reminded me of every chance that it could get. They were huge, oval-shaped hunks of glass with heavy curtains on the inside. I tried to lift one open, but my fingers couldn't even get a good grip on them. They were either too heavy, or locked. They were big, but not thick, so it was likely the latter. I squinted in the darkness looking for a latch or something. When I concentrated on the inside, I saw that wasn't made to be opened from the outside at all. Damn, that idea was out. "Next." I circled around the house a few times, looking for an in. Perhaps I wasn't cut out for this whole "burglary" thing. I didn't want to get tazed by the grumpy precursor, so I couldn't walk away and leave my crime career in the dust. Wait, something up on the second floor caught my eye. There was dark peice a of fabric fluttering to and fro in the wind. "Score." That meant that there was an open window, and therefore a way inside. It was my lucky night, too! Right across from said window was a short and very climbable oak tree growing not a few feet away from the shop. I was in business. The thick, coarse trunk of the tree was a cinch to get a good grip on with my wierd animal paws. I had three short black nails protruding from my comically floppy feet, and they dug into the side like a thumb tack in a wall. Climbing all the way up was a chore, though. I really needed to stop smoking. I was barely halfway up when my arms started wobbling like jelly. I had to scramble up the the nearest branch in order to avoid dropping like an orange rock. It was just a matter of hauling myself up from branch to branch til I reached the top. My heart lept into my throat and my stomach did backflips more than a few times as I occasionally lost my balance and nearly plummeted. Two minutes and a pair of aching arms later, I was on the only limb of the tree that was even remotely close to the boutique. Wow, climbing this thing really lit the fiery pain of exhaustion in my chest. I needed to quit smoking. After I laid there for a good two minutes to catch my ragged breath, I managed sit straight up and notice how god damn far away the branch actually was from the window. Crap... it was like three feet, and that was a lot considered how I was a little less than three feet tall. Okay screw this, I'm going-- I looked down. Oh what a bad idea that was. The distance between me and the ground was dizzying, to say the least. I immediately clamped on to the sturdy trunk of the tree for dear life, as if I were going to fall at any given moment. I gaped at the sizeable gap between me and the open window. There was no way I was going to make it across. Nuh uh. Nope. Not doing it. I looked down again. There was no clean across, and no clean way down. I was going to have to make jump. Damn it. Like a kitten stuck in a tree. Meow, I hated gravity sometimes. The branch that I was perched on was fairly thick; I could plant both feet on its width with a little room left, so making a running jump was my best option. Why did I take this job? Why? Never trust a man offering you a job and a trip to magical fantasy land. I held my breath and took the leap. For a brief and terrifying moment, there was nothing under me. No ground beneath my feet and no branches to hang on to. In that moment, I was a mere slave to the laws of physics. My heart stopped, my lungs refused to pump air, and my mind could only process the most primal of thoughts. I couldn't have been more relieved when my hands found purchase on the smooth wooden window sill. I landed on my chest and arms, I was close enough to get a good grip in the inside edge of the window. It was a good clean landing, unlike what I had expected. It only took a little more effort to pull myself up, over, and out of the cold. My body made barely a sound as I landed on my back onto the fuzzy shag carpet. I was in. I carefully and methodically scanned the room I had broken into. There was little moonlight shining through, but I could make out a frilly vanity mirror, pink wallpaper, some stuffed plushies, a collection of toys, a bed, a-- I froze. There, nestled under the gaudy pink covers of the bed, was the one and only Sweetie Belle. She was peacefully sleeping on her side turned toward me, wriggling a little in response to my gasp of surprise. Thankfully, she hadn't woken up. Her breathing was slow, rhythmic, and deep, she didn't show any signs of knowing I was there. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump in my throat. I could've failed the, dare I say, heist right then and there. Okay, it was so far, so good. Lucky for me, her bedroom door was cracked open just enough for me to slip through silently. I had to supress the urge to stay in here for another moment and look around. When does a man ever get a chance to go through a beloved television character's stuff? I was just too damn curious sometimes. The hallway was a little better in terms of foofyness, but it still screamed "the girliest being in the universe lives here." The walls were lined with various framed pictures of Rarity and her family. Geez, looking at her parents....I could safely guess that the fashionista thing wasn't hereditary. Now, where to find the diamond. I was pretty sure that it wasn't in Sweetie's room--call it a hunch. If it where anywhere, I'd bet it would be in Rarity's bedroom. Perhaps in a chest or something of the like. Hopefully unlocked. Her room was conviently placed at the end of the hall opposite of Sweetie's. I could tell by the word "Rarity" spelled in a million sequins on the door. It was akward to pull off with my weirdly shaped feet, but I managed to make nearly inaudible sounds as I tiptoed across the shag rug. Hey, I was actually pretty good at sneaking. Maybe being small and lightweight had something to do with it. Unlike her sister, Rarity kept her door shut. God help me if she hadn't oiled it in a few months. It looked pretty heavy and hard to push open. Though, I caught another break because ponies don't have fingers, therefore they can't use doorknobs. That would be a hell of a chore trying to force open a door while twisting a knob with both hands. I braced my back against the door and put my weight in to-- "Maooow ." "Holyshit!" I hissed softly, my heart leaping into my throat. I lost my balance and fell to the floor, my head knocking onto the door on the way down. I hoped that didn't come back to bite me in the tail. Please, oh god please let Rarity be a heavy sleeper. Sitting in front of me with an indifferent look on its flat face, was a pure white cat. Rarity's cat: Opalescence. It idly regarded me with that condescending look that cats give you with those creepy little eyes of theirs. I hated cats. "Maooow ." she repeated. "Shh!" "Maooooow! " Opal repeated with greater volume. Oh crap. This thing was gonna screw the hell out of my plan! I had shut it up or else. I stood as tall and menacingly as a fuzzy ottsel could be, trying in vain to intimidate the feline with my greater size. "Shut the hell up or I swear to god, I'll skin you alive and make you into a fur jacket!" It didn't even blink. She just stared at me with her yellow eyes, completely unfazed by my half-hearted attempt at scaring her. "Just screw off!" I hissed and made the universal shooing motion with my hands. Opal, in turn, hissed back, her face contorting into a hideous visage of animalistic anger. She growled a growl that was louder than I ever thought something that small could make. She was gonna wake up the girls and I'll be shit outta luck. Think think think think...What will it take to get her to leave me be? A treat? Cats like treats, but sometimes they're finicky about who they take them from, kuz cats suck. Besides, I didn't have anything on me that a cat could want. Oh screw this. It was just a dumb animal anyway. I pulled out the Multitool from my coat and with but a thought and a whisper, it morphed into a razor-sharp dagger. The bronze blade shone dully in the silvery light of the crescent moon. I waved the knife a foot away from that miserable little cat's pink nose. "Maoow ." "Don't follow me." I ordered, backing slowly into Rarity's door. I kept eye contact with it and my dagger between us the whole time while I pushed on the door and easily slipped inside. I tried as best I could to let the door close with an audible click that wasn't too loud. Inside Rarity's room....I'm sure you're tired of me saying how damn feminine the shop was. You get it by now. Frilly lace, pink curtains, the works. Thankfully, Rarity hadn't been stirred by Opalescence or I. She was out like a light; the dressmaker was nothing but a pile of snoring horse under a lavish four poster bed with the translucent net canopy pulled shut. Heh, Rarity snores louder than my ex. I was pretty sure she couldn't hear jack shit over her own self. Thank god for small favors. The bedroom was in fairly neat order. There were a few light coats and oversized hats haphazardly strewn about the place, as well as an odd makeup implement left on the floor here and there. It should have been a breeze finding my prize. The first place that I check was a tall dresser next to her theater-style vanity mirror. The peice of furniture was about half a foot taller than I was, so I had to pull open a few of the drawers and use them like stairs to get up. The dresser was a mess of makeup kits, jewelery of the non-diamond variety, and other various pieces of miscellaneous stuff. There were a few plain boxes, but none of them held the necklace, as they were mostly filled with photographs, beads, and other keepsakes. I carefully slipped back down to the floor. Hmmm.... maybe it's in her closet? I strode across the room and pulled it open. There was a collection of sparkly dresses sorted by color, tons of them in fact. Wow, this closet alone could have clothed all the girls at my senior prom. Tons of dresses, but no jewelry. Damn. Next up came the nightstand, which only held a couple of boring fashion magazines, an assortment of trashy romance novels, and other random pieces of pap--hold the phone, what's this? I opened up one drawer and it was bursting at the seems with loose pieces of sketchpad paper. They were all stuffed together and crumpled, they were designs. Hundreds of different clothing sketches, each one signed at the bottom by--as I'm sure you've guessed-- Rarity. She had really nice hand, er, hoofwriting, and most of these pieces were pretty extravagant. You know what? I wanted one of them. I was already a soon-to-be diamond thief, what's the harm in taking a little keepsake? I grabbed one of them that wasn't too crumpled up--a drawing of a faceless stallion in a flashy pinstripe suit and fedora--rolled it up, and slipped it into my backpack. If I ever find a place to call my own, I can put it on display somewhere, maybe pin it to a wall. Nothing else in there, so I shut the drawers and continued my search. Maybe it wasn't in her room at all? Perhaps she had a safe somewhere downstairs? Hell, it could take all night to-- I pulled up the sheets hanging down from Rarity's bed and spotted it: an ivory white chest with gold leaf trim. Could this be the jackpot? It was a chore to lug the thing out into the open, it was pretty heavy, but that not a bad thing! Heavy meant that there was stuff inside... and stuff was good. I glanced at Rarity; she hadn't even stirred since I came in here. Cool. I tried to pull the chest open, but alas, it was locked. "Dammit!" I cursed under my breath. Why couldn't it have been easy? How am I going to open it anyway? There was no use complaining, so I went to work. I went back to a few places that I had been. Dressers, nightstand, closet, all of them didn't have any kind of key. I checked my science-y bracelet; it was only a few minutes past one, so I had plenty of time until morning. I stifled a yawn I needed sleep, godammit! Today had been both the weirdest and greatest day of my life, and all I wanted was for it to end! 'Screw it, ' I thought 'I don't need a key, I've forgotten my keys enough times to know what to do here. ' Of course, that was easier said than done. Waaaaaay easier. I slipped out the Multitiool dagger from my belt and murmured the word "lockpick" to it, and bada bing bada boom, it was a perfectly flat piece of shiny metal with a thin hook at the end of it. It was still heavy as balls, even though it looked I could snap it with my fingers. I went to work on the inside of the locking mechanism. Now don't assume that I don't know jack squat about picking locks because, in fact, I do. I read a couple of wiki pages and saw a few YouTube videos on the subject after locking myself out of the apartment a few times. It's a fascinating process to watch, if you've got the time. It cost me twenty minutes and a couple of paperclips, but I managed to do it. The basic idea is this: each one of the tumblers on the inside have a specific position into which they need to be set. Once you push a single one of them into the right spot, the lock should turn a little. When you've found the sweet spot for all of them and put them in the proper place simultaneously, you're in. It's not as easy as it looks on the video games and movies, but it is doable. I prayed that Equestrian locks work in the same way as cheap American ones. Luckily, they did. I only found two tumblers on the inside, which meant that the box wasn't designed to ward of burglars such as myself. I popped in a nail file (hoof file?) to serve as my torque tool and ever so slowly applied pressure to the left. The lock wobbled a little bit as I fiddled with the first tumbler. It suddenly lurched barely a centimeter as numeral uno slid into place. The second one went the same until... Click . The locking mechanism gave way with a satisfying sound of metal lightly grinding on metal. The lock was no more, I did it! Who's a badass criminal? I'm a badass criminal! Oh, god... I'm a criminal. Well, there goes my hopes of ever being an upstanding and productive member of pony society. They went out the window the moment that I threw open the chest full of goodie-- Erhm, I mean Rarity's property . I forced those thoughts out of my head. It was not the time nor was it place to ponder that particular moral dilemma. With another glance at sleeping Rarity, I threw open the lid of the chest and, lo and behold, it was positively filled with all the good stuff. Ever see those old-timey pirate movies where there was a chest of gems and gold and all that jazz at the end of the movie? That's exactly how this chest looked. I'm not even exaggerating. The ornately decorated box was full to the brim with shiny golden bits, pieces of intricately made jewelry with real gems, and a few important papers in a manilla parcel, probably birth certificates and stuff. My eyes went as wide as teacup saucers the moment that I laid them upon...it . Never in all my life have I imagined that such a big chunk of ice could ever exist in any reality. The thing was as big as a peanut and heavier than a brick lead. Yes siree, this diamond was what I was looking for. It was cut into the shape of a teardrop and set into a necklace of gold and silver that looked like mere string compared to this massive rock, like someone had made jewelery out of an old baseball and some fishing line. It was absolutely gorgeous. 'That... will work. ' Pi said, sounding almost astounded as I felt. 'That will work nicely. ' I tenderly slid my fingers over this new prize; it was smoother than glass. I found that I could easily slip it out of its soft gold setting. To hold something this valuable in my very own hand was completely unthinkable and totally impossible. In Earth, a diamond this big could set me for life. Alas, I couldn't have kept it. What a shame that was. No, this burglary was purely for scientific gain. I held it closer to my face--holy shit it was bigger than my eye!-- It turned the world into a sparkly kaleidoscope of shifting shapes and melding colors. This was it... mission accomplished. Time to freakin' go. "Groovy." I shoved the rock into my right breast pocket, just above my own heart, and double--no, triple checked that it was buttoned up tightly. I reeeaaaally didn't want to drop this baby. I briefly considered grabbing a fistful of bits to boot, but it only lasted a moment before I mentally beat that idea out myself with an imaginary blunt object. Stealing. Was. Wrong . I had just taken something frim somebody--dammit! Somepony who held a deep emotional attacment to it. I was a thief, though I didn't want to be. Hell, I just wanted to put it back in the box and go to Fluttershy's place and SLEEP. Maybe I could just sleep off this royally screwed up day? I felt that a good night's slumber would set everything right in the world. When I woke up, Rarity will still have her grandmother's diamond and I won't have my conscience and the nutty profesor bugging me for the rest of my life. I inwardly sighed. No amount of sleep will ever-- There came a scratching at the bedroom door. "Maoooow !" More scratching. "Son of a whore." Shitshitshitshit--Instantaneous karma, man! It's like god was watching a monitor every second of the day waiting for a chance to hit the big red "Screw Silus White" button. I should have skinned that cat alive when I had the chance! Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick, she was so loud! Like, almost worse than an ambulance or cop car racing down your street in the middle of the night. "Maooow !" I slammed the trunk shut and put all of my strength into shoving it back under the bed. It made a horrible scraping noise as I dragged it across the floor, but it didn't matter, I was on a clock with very little time to spare. "Maoooow !" Gotta hide gotta hide--! Oh, screw it; I made a dive under the bed right along side the chest that I had just pillaged. The sheets provided ample cover, though it looked like floor hadn't been sweeped in the last millennium. I stifled a sneez as my frantic movements kicked up a thick cloud of ichy, floaty dust. "Unnngh..." came a distinctive voice that wasn't my own. I'll give you three guesses as to who it was, and the first two don't count! "Maoooow !" "Opal?" Rarity asked. My entire body went rigid with surprise as the bed over my head shifted and creaked. In a moment, two pairs of pure white hooves appeared not more than ten inches from my face as I peered out from under the hanging sheets. At once, my eyes were assaulted with light as the dressmaker above me flicked on a lamp. Rarity dragged her hooves toward the door groaning "Opalescence..." She threw open the door and that wretched feline cat strutting in with its nose in the air like it owned the house. "Maow ." It meowed at its owner. "Darling," she said with clear exasperation "what in the wide wide world could you want? I just fed you and changed your kitty litter an hour ago!" In response, Opal elected to weave through Rarity's legs and purr like a furry motorboat. "I don't have time for this. Go on now, leave mama be." The cat continued to do what it was doing. "Fine." Without warning, the world erupted into a horrible noise like a rusty nail on a chalkboard made by Satan himself. The screeching forced me to pull my ears to my head as tight as they could possibly go. Good god, where the hell was it coming from? I was in pure and unrefined agony, worse then when I broke my ankle! I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming like a child at the dentist who's getting his teeth drilled without any novacaine. Through the tears in my eyes, I could see Opal hiss and whinge as she became enveloped in a sparkly blue aura that lifted her off the ground and out if sight. Then the hooves of Rarity troted clumsily out of the room, apparently with her cat in tow. Then as soon as it came, it went. The noise stopped, Rarity and the puss was gone, and I was left clueless and reeling. "What the hell?"Loading, please wait. . . To this day, I still couldn't tell you exactly how long I stayed quiet and still under that fru-fru pink bed. It could have been minutes, but it was equally likely to be hours before Rarity finally went back to sleep. I waited and listened for her breathing to become more rhythmic and deep. I crawled out from under the bed and brushed the floor debris off of my jacket the moment that her slow breathing eventually turned to heavy snoring. The cat was nowhere to be found in the house, so I just strode downstairs, through the shop, and out the door like it was my own home. I made sure to lock the door behind me. Wouldn't want a burglar to get in, now would we? I took another look on that mark from earlier. I didn't know why it sparked my interest so, I guessed that it was just a little out of place. Then again, I had yet to learn how freaking weird Equestria could get at times. Shrugging, I set out back on the path to Fluttershy's crib. I craned my neck the entire way to see the sprawl of stars and space set out above me. I never really got used to looking at the night sky after that day, each time seemed to be justnas mesmerizing as the last. I almost wanted to grab a blanket from the cottage and just sleep out in the open air, but I elected to catch my Zs inside, just in case Shy liked to keep wolves or poisonous snakes around her place. The cottage was utterly dark when I snuck back in. It was too bad that flashlights weren't invented yet, since I stubbed my toe twice on my way to the couch. Before I could finnaly get back to the couch that was calling my name, Pi interrupted. 'Now that you're in a safe spot, perhaps you could allow me to scan the sample? ' Oh, right. I had almost forgotten why I was stealing in the first place. "Is it going to burn up like the grass did?" I asked. 'It isn't going to "burn," per se. It will be disintegrated into an ultra-fine dust that the bracelet will collect and scan. The data will then be relayed to me for processing. ' "So I'm going to loose it? " 'Entirely. ' Well that was a damn shame. I mean, here I was with a chunk of ice big enough to buy a small island with, and I was going to just turn it to dust for the sake of knowledge! Knowledge that I didn't even care about. Whatever. Screw this. I don't got time for this. I'm in the land of magic, rainbows, dragons, and talking horses, I shouldn't be bitching about rocks. Besides, it's not like diaminds are a commodity--OHWAIT. "Here goes something." I touched the poor, defenseless diamond to the cold, uncaring bracelet like I had done earlier with the grass. It was like holding a fistful of sand for a moment; the gem burst into a cloud of sparkly dust the moment that it made contact. The way that the glittering particles caught the moonlight filtering in through the window reminded me of the night sky that I had bared witness to. "So what did it say, professor?" 'I can't say for sure in merely a moment's time. It could take all night to sort out. I'll let you know in the morning.' In the morning? Yes...yes yes YES! I could go to bed,praise Jesus! Praise him! I was dead asleep before head met pillow.
(6) The Science of Cause and Effect
In The Name of Science Chapter Six: The Science of Cause and Effect Hand . It was as pink and hairless as the day I was born. No fur, no claws, only flesh. No...I couldn't have been underwater. I could breathe and I was as dry as a bone in the dessert and warm as cat beside a fireplace. Where was I? How did I get here? Why am I human again? Those questions went unanswered as I toppled through infinity. I don't know how long it could have went on; I just assumed that it would do this for the rest of eternity. But it didn't. Soon I heard a voice, it was little more than a dull whisper than anything else. No, make that whispers thief ...thief, thief, and thief over and over again. They wanted me to know, I was a thief . They all went silence at once. Sweet, sweet silence. Then, without any warning, two slits of dull grey light appeared before me. Twin lines of brightness stood next to one another, barely thicker in than my pinky finger. At once the lines began to expand their width, to release more and more lignt and bombard my sight with their glow. Then I realized, they were eyes. Two shining ovals without pupils stared deeply at me, and I stared back. Then came a voice, booming with anger and intensity that shook me to my very core. "THOU ART A THIEF, SILUS WHITE! "Loading, please wait. . . I woke up in a cold sweat. "Shhhhhit..." I let out a deep, cleansing breath of relief as all of my sanity came rushing back to me at once. It was just a dream. Thank god, it was just a dream. Ohh, why did my back hurt so much? Fluttershy's couch was supposed to be soft and velvety, but what it really felt like was a hardwood floor. And my head, too. Christ...it felt like someone had beat it against the wall a few times while I was sleeping. Apparently bad dreams weren't restful ones. I really needed the rest. It was pitch black, but thankfully not like the dream. What time was it anyway? How long had I been asleep? 'Silus. ' "Hiya, professor. How's it hangin'?" I blearily greeted, suppressing a yawn. 'Fine. Silus, listen to me, ' His voice was no longer that usual monotone he had, it was more urgent and strained 'you have to get out of here immediately. ' "Pi, you're wigging me out here. What's going on?" What could possibly get the nutty professor's panties in such a knot? Well, besides me. 'You mean to say don't recall? Blast! They must have drugged you. ' "Drugged? I wasn't drugged. I feel f--" I tried to get up from the couch, but both of my arms were restricted, like they were tied with rope. "Woah!" 'Quiet, you imbecile! ' "Sweet Mother Mary, what the hell is going on?" I hissed as quietly as I could. 'I'm not entirely sure. Last night you were knocked out by something. I can only see through your eyes, so neither of us saw who or what it was. It's likely that you've been abducted. ' I slunk back into my bed--or whatever it was. "That's like some laser-guided karma or someshit." 'Is that so? I highly doubt it. ' "It is, though. I steal one diamond, just ONE, and I get ottsel-napped the minute that I fall asleep. If that isn't some higher power, I dont know what is." 'We can discuss your illogical superstitions later, but you need to find a way out first. Do you still have your multitool? ' I wriggled my arms around in their bonds trying to get them loose enough to feel up my belt for the dagger. It turned out that I was completely naked, pants, shirt, jacket, even my underwear. They took my undies. Let's forget the fact that I was roofied and abducted, that stuff happens all the time. But why would they take my freakin' boxers? What would they do with them? I could only conjure up incredibly answers to that disturbing question. "No, it's gone. All my clothes are gone." 'How tight are the bonds? ' I pulled and tested whatever had me tied down; it was coarse and scratchy like common rope. "Too tight to break." Somewhere on tne other side of Ponyville, Pi let out an exasperated sigh 'Then you've nothing to do but wait. ' "Until what?" I flinched as soon as the question was asked. Someone who snatches you in the middle of the night and ties you up isn't planning on doing anything friendly. Or perhaps they had in mind something a little too friendly. Yeeugh, bad thought. Out, damned thought! 'Do you truly want me to answer that question? ' "No, not really." 'Good .' And then I laid in silence. Soon, I thought I heard a muffled voice. It was faint, I almost thought that it was my imagination. I had to strain my hearing, but I could confirm that it wasn't just me. The voice was masculine, and kinda deep like mine. A faint orange light poured into the room as a door somwhere on the other side was thrown open, it wasn't bright enough to see very well by, but it was a step up from not seeing at all. I caught a dim glimpse of where I was. This place had no windows or other doors, and it was filled with utterly generic silhouettes of furniture; boxes and tables and the like. Standing menacingly in the doorway was the shadowy figure of a pony, his face and colors obscured to me. "Well well, lookie who got 'imself in a real pickle." This new stallion had a serious British (Trottingham?) accent. Like a really cheesy, cliché spy movie kind of accent. Me being the American who's lived his life on NYC cable TV, I immediately wanted to start making Doctor Who and Monty Python references, kuz that's about the full extent of my knowledge of the guys over the Atlantic that doesn't involve World War II or Shakespeare. After him, a slightly shorter and much more petite and feminine pony shape trotted in and took a spot right beside the other. "I'm tellin' ya, Emerald, I say we just give him another one of those "forget-me-now" pills and dump him on the street." The other spun around and konked the other over he head, making a sound not unlike hitting a hollow coconut with a hammer. "Don't use our real names! That's why I'm in charge and you're suppoded shut up and let me do the talkin', ya daft dimbo." "Well, sorr-eey." the second huffed back at the first. "Now," Emerald took a few paces foward until he was towering over me like a...well, a tower. "I believe you've got sumthin' that ain't yours." Oh dear god in heaven! Rarity found out. I don't know how she did it, or how she knew where I was sleeping, or how she reacted so fast, but she must have been pissed! These guys are probably hired muscle to come and beat the shit out of me and take the diamond back. Problem is that it's just dust now! Oh hell, oh hell, oh hell . There was only one thing to do at a time like this: grovel. Grovel like a scared little child. "For the love of all that is good and holy, I'm sorry! " I wailed in the most masculine way that I could manage, which wasn't very much so at all. The two didn't seem to react at all, they just shared a brief look with one another, so I went on. "Listen, guys, I had to do it, I just HAD TO! If I didn't I'd be... I'd uh-- I'd die! I'd starve! My family would starve! My daughters and sons and aunts and grandmas and mothers--GAH!" With a hiss of metal against (probably fake) leather, I suddenly found myself with a razor-sharp steel blade hovering nearly an inch away from my nose. "For tha' love 'a Celestia, keep ya yapper closed!" the Brit warned. My entire body seized up with animalistic fear the moment that he ran the smooth end of his knife over my exposed belly. If it wasn't for the fact that I hadn't eaten at all this day save for that one nasty healing elixir, I would've shat myself. 'No no no no NO!' was the only word running through my head as he lightly prodded the side of my leg with the pointy end. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" I wailed at the top of my lungs. The knife went to my jugular vein. "You bloody well better know what I want! The diamond! Where's the fuckin' diamond?!" This elicited some shrill giggles from the mare, who was content to stand by and watch me squirm. "It's gone!" Then I got the first good look at his face. This Emerald guy lived up to his moniker, that's for sure. He had a coat of the same deep green as the gem he was named for, caked with dry mud all over, and an iron grey mane that was cut into a cropped flat top. His chocolate brown eyes lit up with fiery hatred as soon as the words left my mouth. My captor's voice became quieter and less intense "That," he said dangerously "had better be a lie. If it isn't, so help me..." "I went through his shit," the mare chimed in "he's got a pretty-lookin' knife, a bit of cash, and a pack of smokes, but that's it." A wave of halitosis washed over and assulted my nostrils as he scoffed. "Then I guess we ain't got no use for 'im." An icy shiver ran its way down my spine as the dirty stallion pressed the rusty dull knife up against my exposed throat. I clenched my teeth to keep from screaming. There was no way out of this now; I was caught between a brick wall and a pony who wanted my blood. Nowhere to run, no way to fight, I was at his complete mercy, and he wasn't looking to be in a merciful mood. My god... Ten minutes ago, Equestria was a land of sunshine and rainbows. What the hell happened between then and now? "Wait!" I hollered, feeling my adams apple rub against the blade as I spoke. He removed the knife from my neck. "I can repay Rarity for what I did, honestly. I'll do anything in my power to fix this. I can work it off, even if it probably will take me years to--" Emerald let out a harsh bark of laughter "Ha! You think I'm 'ere for that pretty thing that runs the shop?" "Um, yes?" "Well, you're wrong. I don't give a bloddy fuck for the mare, I just want loot! Loot that was rightfully mine to take and not yours!" "Well, technically," My inner smartass took complete control over my mind "It isn't either of ours. By rule of first-come first-serve, it's all mine." He plunged the kinfe into the makeshift bed not a hairs width away from my right arm, forcing me to scream like a little bitch. "You don't know the Celestia-cursed rules 'a thievery, do ya?" "There are rules?" I asked myself more than him "Rules to thieving? That's one helluva contradiction, my friend." "I ain't nopony's bloody friend." he shot back. Taking the knife in his mouth, he began to carve into the wooden table between my side and my armpit. He finished a little wood doodle, it was that same backwards F that I saw on Rarity's door! "I take it you don't have a clue what that means, do ya now?" I could probably make a good guess, but this guy didn't seem to be in the mood to play Twenty Questions. I instead shook my head 'no.' He was all up in my face when he yelled "It means OWNED! BY! ME!" He emphasized those last three words by pounding his hoof on the table, creating a terrible shock each time. For the first time in my life, I had no idea what to do or say. There didn't seem to be a way out of this that didn't end up with me being turned into a furry orange hat or a nice scarf. There were literally no magic words that could get me ot of this dire situation. He wanted what I didn't have, and he was likely willing to torture for it. I was powerless to do anything but accept my fate. Crap... this planet is hell-bent on killing me! I wasn't here for fourty eight hours and I've nearly bitten the dust one time too many. Had it not been for Fluttershy, I would've been red paste on somepony's front lawn. It was my own stupidity that-- 'No .' I stopped that train of thought. 'This was all Pi's fault and I knowit. He forced me to steal. I'm the innocent one here, after all. ' But why didn't it feel that way? I was torn from my inner monologue when the pony returned his piece to my throat. "So, you say you don't got the diamond." He increased the pressure on the knife, drawing out a tiny bead of blood that snaked its way down my neck, leaving a thin trail of crimson liquid in its wake. "This would be that part where you tell me where it went, savvy?" I wanted to lie, I really did. The problem was, I'm a terrible liar. I always have been, I always will be. "It turned to dust." Oh geez, why did I tell the truth? "Just slit his throat!" The other pony coaxed. "We ain't got time enough to--" "Shut up!" Emerald harshly barked at his friend. "Killin' 'im won't turn his body into a diamond, now will it?" "Maybe he swallowed it." The mare suggested with a tone of voice that made all of the fur on my body stand on end. "Maybe he did." The dirty stallion let out an equally dark and malicious laugh. "Maybe we should cut him open and find out." "Christ almighty! That thing's too huge for a guy like me to eat whole!" The knife mercifully grew lighter on my throat as Emerald turned to the mare and said "He's got a point, you know. It was supposed to be pretty damn huge, from what I've heard." "Oh, shove it up your plothole, Em." Another chuckle that made me uneasy...well, uneasy-er. "Maybe later, love," he turned back to me with a crazed ceral killer-esque look in his eye "We need to ask our friend some painful questions first, heh heh." "Now," he began caressing my entire body with that piece of his "I ain't exactly a rich pony. Not like that Rarity broad. I was brought up on grits and hay for every meal; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I had to get by any way I could, and if those ways included lying, cheating, and stealing, so be it. I'd be taking from the rich and giving to the poor. The rich being everypony else and he poor being me an' my family. So, when I say that stealing my loot right out from under my nose is the same as stealing food right out of my mouth, I want you to know the full meaning of it." Almost thoughtfully, he ran the sharp part of the blade over my belly so that it didn't cut me, but did a good job of reminding me of how cold and unforgiving it was. "I mean, by taking my loot, you took me and my family's livelyhood. That fine piece of ice could'a fed us for a good three months, easy. I could have stopped stealing for three months, that would'a been a nice vacation. But no, now I have to find a new hiest just to keep my life afloat. Ponyville doesn't have very good pickin's neither, but Celestia knows I can't afford to move someplace nice like Canterlot or Manehat--" "Jesus H., man!" I cut him off shrewdly "Just torture me already! I don't want to starve to death while you monologue the day away. You think you've got problems? Try walking a mile in my feet, buddy. At least you still have the body that you were born with!" At once, a hard hoof came at me with the force of of a speeding Voltswagon, followed by a severe trauma in my noggin. He had ht me square in the forehead. "It's rude to interrupt ponies like that!" "Owww..." I tried to shake the stars from my head, to no avail. I could have sworn I saw a trio of Fluttershies flying in a circle around my head like this was a freaking episode of Looney Toons. Screw you, cartoon universe. Bah. I needed a cigarette, like, right then and there. That would make things go a hell of a lot smoother. "Hey," I said "I'll tell you where the diamond is if you give me my smokes." The earth pony scowled. "Oh will you now?" "Yep. Totally." "Well excuse me if I find that hard to belive." "What have you got to loose? I need to light up, you need to get a diamond. We can make this work." He nickered, kind of like a real horse did. Woah, I didn't see that coming. "You're a bad liar." (He was right, you know. I always was terrible at it.) "But hey, It's not like I'm gonna smoke 'em, then." He stepped into a part of the room that was obscured by shadow. He turned back around and spat the tin of tobacco into my lap. I fumbled with my bonds until I managed to skick one of them in the corner of my mouth. "Little help here." I used my tongue to waggle the clearly unlit and unsmokeable cigarette at him. With his brow furrowed in aggravation, Emerald wordlessly struck a match and lit it up. I took a deep, cleansing breath... and suddenly my mind cleared. I let it out slowly, making sure not to cough and drop the lit cigarette on my chest and possibly burn a patch of my fur to ashes. I suddenly felt a hell of a lot better; like I could actually get out of this on my own, like I would live to see a second day in Equestria. Emerald flicked the smoldering spent match to the side "Better now?" I blew out a cloud of hazy smoke in his face, eliciting a low growl from the stallion. "Much better." "So where's the damn rock?" I flicked a bit of excess ash on the floor since he hadn't had the sense to bring me an ashtray "Disintegrated. It's just a pile of useless ash right now." "I told ya he'd lie about it!" the otherwise quiet mare chimed in. Emerald said nothing in return, he simply leered a little harder at me. "If you don't want to tell us, fine. Be that way." He glanced at his mare friend, and with a malicious grin, he said "It looks like torture after all." Without another word of warning, he took the knife into his mouth like a flash. He craned his neck high, poised to make a slash at one of my appendages. I didn't even have time to process this, the only reaction I could muster was my face contorting into a grimace of primal fear as he-- "STOP." An athorative voice from behind sounded out, causing the stallion to freeze in place, the blade within an inch away from my right arm. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. "Thank god for plot conveniences!" I immediately cried. Another silhouette atop the staircase. Damn, why didn't this guy have the decency to light up a torch when he's about to torture somebody. This one ambled slowly down the steps, like a zombie or senior citizen or something. He stopped just at the base of the steps. "Emerald Coast," his voice was creaky and gruff, like that of a typical old man. His tone was commanding though, suggesting that this old guy wasn't feeble at all. For the record, he too had a British accent, but it was barely perceptible compared to My. Knifehappy. "Leave the poor colt alone. He's had a rough night." Then Emerald's-- Emerald Coast, as the stallion sugested-- mood shifted to something I didn't expect of your typical monologing maniac: regret. Whatever the relationship he had with pony number three was like, it was clear who really called the shots. The knife slid back into its sheath where it could do me no bodily harm. Silus White--Two, Death--Nada. It's good to be the main character of a fanfic. "We're not supposed to use our real names..." Emerald grumbled like a child being scolded by his mother. "I know," the old guy said nonchalantly. "but I don't think it will matter soon enough." "But uncle--" Uncle? "Ah ah. Don't question your elders." Emerald stepped aside so that the new pony could come foward to look me in the eye. This guy had a long, raggedy mane of chocolate brown that fell around his royal blue muzzle, giving me the impression of a ponified hobo. He smiled warmly, revealing a set of yellowed teeth. "Excuse my nephew's eagerness, he's still a bit new to the game." "I've been doing it since I was a kid!" the younger one cut in indignantly. "And this 'ere colt has enough talent to suprass your experience in one night!" the elder shot back. "Wait wait wait," I said before things could get out of hand. "is this the thing where you guys do the good cop-bad cop? Kuz I've seen enough crime movies to know where this is going." The elder dropped his smile and leaned in a little closer so that I and him could only hear our conversation. His voice wasn't as friendly as it had been, in fact it sounded downright dangerous . "Trust me, son. If we were really doing that, it's me who'd be the bad cop." He pulled away and returned to that pleasant tone of voice. "Quite the contrary, my friend. In fact, let's get these bonds off of you." "Huh?" I said. "Huh?" Emerald echoed. The elder held out his hoof to Emerald "Give me the knife, please." "What are--?" "The knife, boy! " Reluctantly, the nephew drew his piece and hoofed it over. With a snap and a twang, the ropes holding me down were no more. I quickly untied the knots with my nimble ottsel fingers and tossed the lengths of rope to the side. Rubbing my rope-burned wrists, I said "Thanks, but..." "Hmm?" "Why?" Those yellow teeth returned as a childlike giddy grin spread across the old guy's face. "I think you'd make a wonderful addition to our little outfit." "What?!" Emerald Coast and the mare all but screamed. "Lad," he said with a glint in his eye "would you like to join The Family?" "Uhmmm, yes." I answered quickly. Wait, WHAT?! "Splendid!" What did I just do?
(7) The Science of Family Ties
In the Name of Science Chapter Seven: The Science of Family Ties poof! I'm outside with an old dude that had just saved my tail from said rusty knife. Not only that, I had just accepted an invitation to some kind of "family" as well. I didn't even know a single thing about it. I looked back to the shack I had come from. It was merely a single square box made from a bunch of battered old two by fours and held together with some twine, paste, and a whole lot of hope. What Emerald Coast said must have been true; he really was poor. Not in the "living in Skid Row and eating ramen from a styrofoam cup" way, but in the "not a goddamn penny to their name" way. It was barely morning in the wide wide world of Equestria when I emerged. The silvery moon that had witnessed me steal a diamond the night before was merely a sliver of light barely peeking out from behind the western horizon. In turn, the sun was it's sibling's mirror, being only an orange glint of light in the east. These were the precious few minutes where neither celestial body had total control of the sky. The warm and cheery colors of the day mixed and melded with the cool and dark colors of the night, creating the wondrously deep shade of purple that accompanied the twilight. Today was a good day to be me. Normally, I wasn't much of a morning person. But hey, I didn't normally live in Equestria either. Despite that heart-pounding near-torture experience, I felt fan-freaking-tastic. I was alive an unscathed, what more could a guy ask for? 'Maybe a smoke. ' I thought, bending over and fishing the smoldering remains of my cigarette out of the grass. I had only smoked a few puffs of that last one before it fell out of my mouth as I gaped in awe. What? I like nature. I tried my damnedest not to cough and hack, but it was likely going to take some time before I could even do that. "You know son, smoking's quite bad for your lungs." the old guy pitched in. I shot an annoyed look his way. This stallion was a bit thin and frail-looking. A stiff breeze could have probably knocked him over. He likely wasn't always like that; I could see his ribs poking out from his side like a wild dog. His fur must have been a cool color back in the day, it was a deep sapphire shade of blue, but now the color was sullied with a film of dirt that only came from weeks without a bath. He looked like a hobo with his raggedy brown mane that he had to sweep out of his face every once in a while. "Thank you, sir, I had no idea about that." I drawled, letting off a wispy cloud of smoke. "Please regale me with more of your wisdom." He nickered exactly like an Earth horse would. Still not gonna get used to that. "Alright alright, no need to get touchy. To each his own, as the saying goes." "So, grandpa, what's your name?" I asked, extending him a hand. "I'm Silus White." He eyed my rusty orange hand and then tentatively took it in his own. "Royal Blue, pleased to meet you. And I'm nopony's grandfather. I never had any foals." "Eh," I shrugged "Neither have I. Not everyone is up for the whole parenthood thing, am I right? So, uh, thanks for...you know, saving my ass back there." That made TWO ponies that I was indebted to in just twenty four hours. This was Equestria for pete's sake! I shouldn't have had any brushes with death at all, much less twice in one day. I've been mugged at gunpoint before, don't get me wrong. You can hardly live your life in NYC without meeting someone who wanted the paper and plastic in your wallet at least once, but that was way different from being tied to a table and almost tortured. "Nonsense, colt, there's no need to give thanks." Royal said merrily, slapping me lightly on the shoulder. I like the way he talked, always so happy! "You're part of The Family now, and we aren't so quick to gut our own." Oh yeah, that . "About this whole "family" thing..." I said awkwardly, breaking eye contact to stare down at the grass. "I didn't think you knew me well enough to call me some kind of kin." The old guy chuckled, which ended in a terrible dry wheeze and a cough. Was this stallion sick? "We aren't exactly--" he coughed again "--a family in the blood or the friendship sense, the name is purely metaphorical." When is a family not a family? I didn't have a clue, but it really piqued my intrest. "So, I'm like, part of a group then?" "You catch on quick, my boy." He flashed me a toothy grin "We're, uh--oh what's the word I'm looking for?-- I suppose "guild" would be the best word to use. The Family is the only existing thieves' guild in Equestria. We take from the rich, give to the poor, and leave a little cut for ourselves." Thieves... Of all the things that a group of ponies could dedicated themselves to, I just HAD to join the one that was all about something I swore that I'd do only once in my life. Why couldn't it be the Les Paul fan club? I'm a musician, not a burglar! I wasn't like these guys. I didn't want to be a thief. That's not how I should make my brand new start. Being all Robin Hood-ey and stuff was a nice sentiment and all, but it's not honest work! After all, Rarity was hardly rich. She had one diamond. One! She wasn't someone that I would say was rolling in piles of mula. Then again, you could apparently dig three feet under the ground and strike it rich in this world. Then again again, there was a scarcity of gems these days. I knew that she only had one... But I still stole from her anyhow. No... no, I couldn't think like that. It was not my choice to make. It was Pi's; he made me do this. If not for his obsession with science, I would not be in this mess. Though, I would still be stuck in New York without him. Gah, I hated the grayness of it all. No black, no white, just somewhere in the middle. There was no clear-cut right or wrong in this situation, and that's what bothered me the most. I could have been in the white for all I know, since it was my hand that was forced. Yeah, I was innocent. Pi was the bad guy. He's he one in the black and not me. I was totally the good guy in this one. But why didn't it feel that way? "Silus?" Royal nudghed me lightly with is muzzle. "Are you even listening?" I shook those troubling thoughts from my head. I must've been spacing out again, because Royal had apparently been talking to me, and I didn't hear a single word that he said. "Erm, no. What were you saying again?" Royal rolled his eyes at me."As I was saying, we've hit a bit of a rough patch these past few years." I dramatically turned my head to look at the poor shack that he had been living in, then whipped it back to Royal Blue. "Well, no kidding! I've seen dogs with better cribs than you. No offense." "None taken." "What happened to you, then?" The old stallion shrugged. "Princess Luna came back. She singlehoofedly brought down a thousand-year golden age in just a few short months. When she was naught but a shape in the moon, The Family had no equal; we could alter the flow of Equestria's money just as well as any royal bureaucrat sitting up in Canterlot could, all it took us was a good heist plan, a dimwitted entitled pony with a boatload of bits, and the right skills to pull it off. Most ponies think that it was Celestia that created the middle class, you know. That couldn't be a bigger lie!" He beamed pridefully. "In truth, it was The Family that made the rich poorer and the poor richer. We brought about an economic equilibrium that couldn't have ever happened on its own! The Princess may take the credit, but it was we who got to keep the glory." He laughed merrily, which turned into another small fit of coughing. I hoped that this guy was okay, that coughing sounded pretty bad. But wow, all that about brining economic whosit actually sounded kinda... nice. While they may not have succeeded in completely bridging the gap between the wealthy and the not-so-wealthy, they sure got close! It was closer to America's system of economics than that of a medieval society. Minus the thievery for a good cause, of course. "So what's Luna got to do with this?" You'd think that the princess of the night would be cool to these guys because of their affiliation with the night and such. Nope! There goes my headcanon of Luna being the patron saint of thieves, adios. "She does more than haunt our dreams and combat the nocturnal beasts, my friend. Our history texts told us of how Luna fiercely fought all forms organized crime after the family's rise to glory at the end of Discord's rule. Luna was, is, and will continue to be The Family's arch nemesis. She believed that social and economic change should be brought about by ponies working together with one another, rather than by a small group of vigilantes working outside the law." Royal Blue scoffed. "That kind if thinking got Equestria nowhere." "We were neck and neck in our mad struggle for power, neither side managed to get the upper hoof on the other in many months of contest when The Nightmare seized her body. After that, there was nopony to stop us. Celestia wasn't as fixated on us as her sister, and she eventually learned that appeasement was much easier than conquest, which was quite profitable for both parties. And so began the golden age of thievery." "Wow." "Precisely." Truly fascinating; and I'm not using that term lightly. I was just eating up every word that he uttered, each extra bit of information was as sweet as candy. I wasn't ever much of a scholar, but learning about Equestria sure beat the hell out of anything you could learn in a a school! Who knew that ponies had their own good guy mafia? Though, it kind of sucked being part of a group that Princess Luna hated. I liked Luna! I didn't want her to hate me... "So," I said "you guys seemed to be fighting her pretty well back in the day. How did she just demolish you in a couple of months?" "Ahh, that's a good question, my colt." I should probably have told him that I wasn't a man rather than colt. Maybe later "Quite frankly, her return utterly blindsided us. I'm sorry to say that The Family had grown fat and slow over the years with no real threats to keep us on our hooves. Our coffers were bursting with treasure, our informant networks reached to all corners of the continent, and all of our enemies were either harmless, inactive, or in prison. It was like that for fifty years before I joined up. We thought we were indestructible. We were so very wrong. Luna knocked us over like we were bowling pins and ruined nearly everpony associated with The Family." He hung his head and laughed half heartedly, the kind of laugh that lacks any kind of humor. "Now it's me, my nephew, his marefriend, and--"he looked up to meet my gaze with steely eyes "--you." "Yeah?" "Silus White." he said with an odd tone in his voice. "Silus...White ." It was almost as if he had been testing how my name felt on his lips. "That's my name. Heh. Don't wear it..." My voice trailed off as I saw the glint in his eye. It was a mere moment of fiery passion that I had only seen few times before before. It was the look of a man who had something to believe in. That was a rare quality back where I came from. "I need your help, Silus." He said, as serious and somber and as death itself. "We're living in a dirty shack and eating stale bread for lunch, my friend. What was once a proud guild of highly talented ponies has been reduced to the poverty that we once fought to eradicate. We've no resources, no contacts, no skilled members, and we don't even have any professional tools to work with. This Family is as low as it could possibly be." Royal Blue took a step closer to me, his face just ccentimeters away from my own. "We need to rebuild the whole organization from scratch, just as the legendary thieves of old did over a thousand years ago. To do that, we need members. And you--you are the first of many, you're going to help me recruit them." Just what the he'll have I gotten myself into? I said nothing. For what felt like the longest time we just stared at one another, not speaking, not breathing, not even blinking. "I, uh..." "Yes? " Somehow her managed to inch his face even closer to my own. What was I to say? There I stood at a crossroads; commit myself to a guild of ponies who broke the law for a living, or to turn around and start walking in the other direction? Their cause was just, and I had already joined them in the heat of the moment. The big kicker was that this was a bit on the darker side of grey, if you catch my drift. I'd bet my tail that not many ponies around these parts would appreciate a thief. Plus I did not want to get on the bad side of Princess Luna. God only knows what kind of bad things she could bring. Let's also not mention that fact that I only broke into one house and one box, which doesn't exactly make me a hardened professional. There's also the part where I have a psyco science nut metaphorically breathing down my neck twenty four-seven, getting a dangerous day job could put him in a "shocky" mood. On the other hand, The Family's goal was a good one: get rid of poverty. That was a damn saintly thing to do in my book. I could still be a good guy, minus the stealing part. Royal suggested that The Family only stole from the wealthy, It's not like they'll end up living under a rock if we take a little off the top and give it to the less fortunate, right? Plus, thievery is thievery--I'd spend my time getting my grubby little mitts on money, jewels, precious metals, and stuff like that. If that didn't pay good, I don't know what will. I also had to admit that walking unseen through Rariy's shop was kind of a huge rush. I'm a little ashamed to say that staling the diamond sent a thill through me like a rollercoaster. They say that a single decision can make or break your whole life. One wrong move, you could end up dying in a ditch somewhere with no friends or family to be there for you. One right move, and you could be one of the rich and famous that The Family supposedly targets. Was this one of those decisions? Would this change my life even more than it already was, for better or worse? Could one of those choices come back to haunt me? I just didn't know. I needed to make a decision. Thief or no thief, yes or no, stay or go, join or don't. Decide, damn it! Decide! One of these choices could end up changing my life forever! I wasn't very smart under pressure. Royal staring me down like a hawk didn't help my decision-making process, either. I could just flip a coin and-- No. There was no way I was going to leave it to chance. Oh screw it. "I'll do it." I said solemnly. "Good colt." Royal Blue pulled his face back out of my personal space, his hard expression softening a bit. I tried not to think of the decision that I had just made. I had pledged myself to be a thief. Wow. "So, what's next?" He gave me a toothy grin, revealing a set of yellowing horse teeth. "Initiation." And with that being said, he turned around and headed back into the shack. "Come on, I'll give you the grand tour." "Hey," I followed a few steps behind him. "It's not going to be like a college fraternity kind of initiation, is it?" He was silent, choosing only to flash another yellow grin my way. "Royal?!" End Act I: Beginings Begin Act II: Heists
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(8) The Science of Give and the Science of Take
In the Name of Science Chapter Eight: The Science of Give and The Science of Take
'Silus. We need to speak. '
Oh, perfect. Yeah, that was just what I needed.
I was leaning up against the rugged and slightly unstable walls of that rickety old shack when Pi's voice echoed inside my skull. Royal Blue had taken me inside and commenced speaking in hushed tones to Emerald Coast and the other pony; a wiry mare with a green coat just like Emerald's, but it was more of a spring green than an emerald, and just as dirty. She had pale yellow mane was tied up into a bun, and it also had an oily sheen that likely came from not being washed in quite a while. She actually kind of had a pretty face, though it would look a lot nicer if it wasn't for the thick bags that under her eyes like ten pound weights.
They all stood in a circle furiously whispering to one another and occasionally tossing curious glances my way. I barely made out any of the words, the only one that I managed to catch was "steal." How wonderful. Even without words, I could tell that Emerald was pissed at his uncle by his tone of voice. Apparently somepony was a little butthurt after he had his loot yanked out from under his nose. Heh heh.
They were too involved with one another to pay me any mind. I managed to turn away and whisper to Pi "Now's not a good time, man."
'I care little. '
I rolled my eyes and scoffed quietly "I'm sure you do. Now what the hell is it?"
'I want you to leave. '
"But of course, master." I drawled sarcastically." I can't just ditch 'em like that. Gave them my god damned word, and that may mean nothing to you, but I'm sure as hell not going to go back on my word."
'Your word to them does not matter in the slightest, Silus. I do not care, and neither should you. You have a contract with The Precursors, and as your employer I order you to depart from here immediately. Whatever they plan to do with you will most likely interfere with our experiments. The time that you are useful to us is finite, and we do not intended to waste it.'
"Hey, it's my turn to say I don't care, bub!" I hissed. "Now listen, these good folk had the common freaking decency to not kill my ass. I'm sure I can find a way to help them and you at the same time, okay? So just lay off for a sec, and let me do this."
The other end of the line was silent for a few moments longer than it should have been.
'Very well. I'll be watching. '
"Yeah, you always are."
"Oy, you say somethin'?" The three ponies were all staring at me by then. Well, two of them only stared, one glared at me like I had just insulted the weight of his mother. Guess who that was. Go on, guess.
I waved my hand dismissively in his direction. "Just talking to myself. Bad habit."
"You should be okay, so long as you don't have voices in your head that talk back. Then we'd have to throw you in the looney bin and find somepony else to fill your spot." Royal Blue laughed deviously and nudged his nephew in the shoulder, who refused to even acknowledge that it was a funny joke. Killjoy.
"Oh uh, yeah, that would-- that would be bad, you know, me being crazy in the head. Heh. Yep." I coughed awkwardly "Anyhoo, what's next? I'd betcha ten bucks that all that whispering was about me."
"Why would he bet deer stallions?" The yellow-haired mare asked honestly.
Emerald shot a much softer look her way"It's another word for bits, love."
"Oh."
"Regardless what you call money," Royal gave his nephew a subtle nod "you'll have won that ten coins. It seems that we've all come to an agreement--"
"Not all of us." Emerald Coast harshly butted in.
"--MOST of us have agreed upon the circumstances of your initiation. Since you stole and apparently destroyed the unclaimed property of The Family, you will steal for us some thing or things of equal value. Reimburse us, as it were."
Sounded fair enough to me. An eye for an eye, give and take, and all that jazz. Though, I was kinda hoping that I didn't have to steal from anyone else in a while. But hey, it was inevitable, being in a literal thieves' guild.
"That sounds pretty good to me. So what's the deal with this? Is there anything I want to know?"
"Yes." Emerald said, taking a step closer "First off, don't even think about running off. We'll find you if you do, and so help me Celestia if I get to you first...
"You don't like me, do you?"
"No I don't, so jus' shut ya yap! Rule number two: you can't steal more than you can carry, so don't just grab lots a little things and drop 'em off somewhere. We want the shiny valuable things, savvy? Number three: You can't get caught. If you get caught, you get canned, and we won't come and get you when you're in jail. Rule number four: you only have one night to do it, and your time's up when the sun is. If you don't have enough, you lose. Cold hard cash is good, gems and precious metals are great. That's the usual challenge for new recruits. The diamond could have nicked us eight hundred bits, so get us eight hundred and fifty, and you're initiated. Now, can your little squirrel brain get all that, or am I gonna have ta say it again?"
"I'm not a squirrel, I'm an ottsel."
The green earth pony visibly gritted his teeth "I don't give a bloody fuck what you say ya are. Do you understand the rules? "
"Yeah, sure."
He turned to regard Royal "That's that. Now can I go? I gotta go pick up little Squeaky from 'is sleepover."
"I don't see why not."
Without another word, Emerald Coast stormed out of the shack, making a point to not even spare another glance at Royal or I. He slammed the door behind him, shaking the whole building and making it a little more unstable than it had been. He was followed by the still unnamed mare. She shot a crooked glance my way, then made a show of turning her nose in the air and starting after him.
"What a pair of drama queens."
"Ahhh, he'll come around. Em's just a sore loser." Royal chuckled a bit.
"And who the heck is Squeaky, anyhow?"
A contented smile crept up on Royal blue "He's Em's little foal, and the closest thing I'll ever get to a grandson. Smart colt, that one. He's got his mother's eyes."
"Then is that green lady his...?"
His eyebrows raised as if I had just told him the most racially insensitive joke on the planet "Celestia no! Not even close. I wouldn't trust Winter Wheat with a houseplant, much less a foal. No... His real mother died about eight years back. He doesn't like talk about it much, so we try not to mention her around him. Poor lad, he hasn't been the same since."
"Well that explains his general dickishness."
"Dickishness?"
"Oh, right. World of ponies. Sometimes I forget that. It means, ah, "the degree to which one is a dickhead."
"What a lovely word."
"I come from a lovely city."
"Right right. Now, don't tell Emerald this yet, but I have something for you."
The moment that he finished his sentence, my ears perked up like a dog's would if you showed it a juicy rib bone. I was going to have to get used to that too. I tried to not snicker when I did it.
"What is it?"
He inclined his head toward the stairway that lead to the roughly dug out basement that had been held captive in. "Follow me, if you'd please."
"Righto boss-man."
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"That's one fancy-ass house." I remarked
"It is, isn't it?"
"Who's is that again?"
Royal Blue had spread out a collection of photographs and hastily scrawled maps upon the table that I had been tied up on this morning. I glanced at the backwards F that Emerald had craved mere inches from my body. Ahh, good memories.
All of the papers pertained to a disgustingly large house that looked like its owner was really overcompensating for something. Judging by the hand, er, hoof drawn floor plans, the bathroom alone could've probably fit me, my parents, and all of my semi-close and close friends inside. Well, if they were in Equestria, that is. God, I'm never going to see them again, am I? Wait, No ! Not thinking about that. Nuh uh. I had enough on my plate as it is, and worrying about my friends and family was not going to help AT ALL.
"The place belongs to Filthy Rich, the owner of Rich's Barnyard Bargains . It's Ponyville's one and only general store." Hey, that's where I bought my smokes the day before! It was a pretty nice place. Royal hoofed me a photo of an amber earth pony stallion with a graying mane and a bright red tie. I grabbed the photo and looked it over. There was really no need to, I already knew his face. Rich was that one dude from the Zap Apple jam episode.
"You know, I had a friend that ran a pretty good music shop back in the big city. He lived in a one-bedroom apartment and bought all of his clothes from a thrift shop." I said, tossing the photo aside. "This--" I tapped the floor plan of the ridiculous house "--is not equal to the salary of a family business owner."
"Exactly!" He exclaimed happily, banging his hoof on the table and knocking off a scroll. "That normally goes right over everypony else's heads. It's outrageous how many ponies miss glaringly obvious things like this!"
I shrugged. "Where I come from, it's just using your brain. If you see a guy in a suit that wears a gold watch walking down the street telling everyone he's a waiter at a restaurant, the dude's probably lying."
"I knew there was something in you, colt. You--" he poked me with a hoof "--you think like a thief. Don't ever stop doing that, it will take you far."
Oh great, I'm a natural at stealing stuff. All the talents in the world and I get stuck with the one that could lead me into prison. Silus, you lucky dog you.
"So, why's Filthy Rich so rich?"
"He's one of us."
"One of The Family? How the hell does that work?"
"Well, he used to be, right up until he became a nark." He pulled another photo from the pile. It was of a much younger and much more handsome Filthy Rich, but instead of the tie he wore a thick black cloak with a deep hood, and his eyes had fewer bags under them. "Back when Luna made her grand return, Rich gave her a sizeable head start by snitching on all of us. He told her damn near everything he had on our members and operations. In return, she let him keep a slice of The Family's coffers after she saw fit to "redistribute" it. He stabbed the backs over two dozen ponies who trusted him, and now the bastard lives in luxury while we rot away in a hole in the ground. Does that seem fair to you?"
"Of course not!"
"Then we're going to teach him a lesson. Now, we don't have the resources to ruin his life quite yet. That takes time, money, and ponies. We've got plenty of time, but we're severely lacking in the other two categories. I want you to break in and steal something that's worth a whole lot more to us than eight hundred and fifty bits."
He pushed all of the documents off the table, letting them flutter to the floor. The only thing left was the master plan of the house.
"Get this job right, and you're more than welcome to be a part of The Family. Here's what you're going to need to do..."
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Night.
It was my second night in Equestria, probably about one in the morning. It was darker than last night, neither the moon nor the stars could shine through the thick cloud cover that I assumed had been arranged by the local weather team. The sky was as black as black could get, yet my brightly colored ass still stood out like a traffic cone. Orange was not a camouflage color.
"The night should be cloudy." Royal said. "So the moon will be completely out of sight, that way this gig has no chance to be seen by Luna unless she decides to pay Ponville a surprise visit in the next twelve hours."
Even in the dead of night, Ponyville still felt alive. The street lamps cast dull and flickering rays of light into the hard packed dirt streets of the town. A few of the cottages still had their lights on, and I could spy the black silhouettes of the late night ponies doing whatever they did at these odd hours of the day, as well as the sounds of drunken singing coming from the local tavern. My ears were filled with a droning chorus of chirps as the unseen crickets sang their endless tuneless song. All was was peaceful.
Oddly enough, there were almost no ponies themselves outside, which didn't surprise me, I just thought that there would be a few midnight strollers about. What did throw me off guard was a few big, burly grey stallions clad in dark blue and silver armor stomping around the streets and waving their lanterns or light spells at the dark corners. Since when did this town have guards? Probably since weird interdimensional travelers started popping up everywhere. Come to think of it, I hadn't met another person that claimed to be a human around these parts. I've been hearing about them, but I haven't seen any. One of them were bound to pop up anytime soon.
I made it a point to stick to the shadows and alleyways where the guards couldn't see. I had no immediate reason to hide from them, but I was kind of planning on breaking the law soon enough. Lawponies were not the kind of ponies that I wanted to trust right then. Hell, I had no idea who I wanted to trust anyway.
I idly strolled around a few low cobblestone walls and tall columns of shrubbery that completely encircled the Rich property. Peeking over it, I could see that this guy had a heck of a big yard in addition to that miniature mansion of his. There must have been at least twenty feet of lawn and garden in between me and the house. It just had to take five ponies working five days a week to keep the grass cut and the flowers alive. Imagine mowing this place with a push mower...
"What I recommend doing..." he went on "...is finding a way on to the roof, that's your best point of entrance. You can't bother going through any of the doors or windows, but the chimney is a different story. We're dealing with a professional ex-thief here, so he'll be prepared for almost anything."
It took minimal effort to vault over the pathetic excuse for a wall and into the property. It might've stopped a foal or an elderly pony, but I had opposable thumbs, which made climbing a breeze. Imagine trying to climb up a ladder or over a fence with just your hands balled up into fists. Yeesh. Speaking of which, how did ponies even climb ladders anyway? Did they even have those? I didn't seen any.
It was hard to tell in the dark, but I could have sworn that the grass here was literally greener than the rest of Ponyville. I guessed that this guy must have his lawn fertilized or something. You know that you have too much money when you blow a wad of cash on your freaking grass.
Oh hey, out of the corner of my eye I saw that F mark again; it had been painted on the side of the house in dark green. I almost didn't see it. I guessed that it was The Family's logo, considering how it seemed to follow me wherever I went.
Let's see... Roof access, roof access, roooooof access . How was I going to get up there? There were no open windows and conveniently placed trees this time around, so I'd actually have to be breaking in instead of slipping in.
I weaved around the pink lawn flamingos and over (get this) ponified gnomes as I made my way closer to the house. I scanned the sides of the place looking for something climbable. The mansion was two floors high with smooth walls, meaning no loose bricks to climb up. Perhaps a misplaced trampoline would do the trick?
There didn't seem to be any-- "Woahwoahwoah!" I stopped myself just in time to avoid falling face first into a massive pool of water. I teetered near the edge for a heart-stopping moment before flailing my arms around like an idiot and regaining my balance. "This guy even has a pool." I said to myself. "I hate rich people. They just leave goddam lawn ornaments and pools lying around like they were toys."
I sidestepped the pool and just kind of stood there scratching my beard. I couldn't find a way up on the roof that a two and a half foot tall ottsel could easily reach. Let's see, there was a stack of loose firewood leaning against the side of the house, but it wasn't built high enough to use as an impromptu staircase. There weren't any of those crisscrossing wooden fences that people used as ladders like you'd see in cheap romance movies.
This was getting to be a toughie. I really didn't want to, but it looks like I'd have to phone a friend on this one.
"Hey, professor," I murmured "got any bright ideas?"
There was naught but silence on the other end.
"Pi? Come on, I know you can hear me."
Nada.
Eh, whatever. Maybe he just left to take a bathroom break. Do immortals even need bathrooms? Probably not, but it really didn't matter, I was more concerned with getting in.
I put my hands on my hips and drew in a deep, cleansing breath of night air, then let it out slowly through my nose. This was going to be another long night. Hey, maybe I could have gotten a decent night's sleep after this guy's house has been sufficiently pillaged. Though, I shouldn't have been making plans for afterwards before the job was even done.
"Now, we've got the advantage here." Royal said. "Rich is going to expect burglars that were no smaller than himself. Like ponies, griffons, diamond dogs and such. What he wouldn't ever expect was a... What were you again?"
"I'm a musician."
"Of course you are. He wouldn't expect somepony as small as yourself to invade his home. That should mean that he's neglected to secure all of the much tighter fitting spaces. He wouldn't know what hit him."
Oh hello, what was this? Just to the side of the firewood pile was a translucent rectangular window that went up to about my waist. I tried to peer in to take a look what lay behind, but it was too foggy to see more than a few brown and grey blurs on the other side. It was kind of like one of those windows you see at public bathrooms and hospitals; light will go through them, but you can't use it as an actual window.
Eager to get in out of the cold, I grabbed the window and put my body weight against it. After a little heaving and groaning, it didn't even budge. I tried pulling it open instead, but that was equally successful. Okay! New plan.
"If you want to do it the hard way, fine by me." I told the window, who said nothing in response, it just sat there like inanimate objects tend to do.
I slipped off my cloth backpack and set it on the ground just beside me. After a little bit of digging, I grabbed the multitool and morphed into a screwdriver. This hunk of creepy metal might have been ten pounds heavier than any screwdriver should be, but it sure as hell worked wonders on the screws that held the window in place.
With a few twists and a firm yank, the frame popped off, and the window went with it.
"Honey, I'm home." In went the backpack, and myself soon after it. I was in.
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This place smelled like mould.
I had accidentally bellyflopped into a dank, barely lit basement-type deal. The floors had the familiar feel of cold hard concrete that only a New Yorker could know so well. The only light in the room was cast through a door, cracked just enough to let in the upper floor's glow. The bright streak of soft orange light revealed a multitude of wooden shelves, built in a sort of honeycomb pattern, with dozens of individual spaces occupied by dusky black bottles.
Brushing the floor dust from my coat, as I so often did in those days, I hobbled over to one the aforementioned shelves and selected a random bottle from it. The bottle was skinny on the top half and much thicker at the bottom; when I held it to the light, the label read "The Crying Grape." It had an image of a green grape with a disturbing look on its face and a single tear that ran down its cheek and dripped off its chin.
Shrugging, I put that one back and grabbed another. This one read "Sweetwater Vineyards Merlot" and had a picture of a sweeping field of grapevines with a clear blue river snaking across the label. I put it back.
"Rich people and their wine." Hey, wine was pretty valuable, right? Well, it must be if you've got an entire cellar dedicated to it. Oh, but which ones were actually worth good cash? I had not a clue about fine wine on Earth, and knew even less here in Equestria. It could all be just cheap stuff, or it could be worth its weight in gold. I'll never know. What I did know was that it was pretty heavy for a guy with limited backpack space.
I grabbed my cigarette lighter and flicked it open. A tiny flame sparked to life with a hiss of flint on steel, making the room a bit easier to navigate in. It served as a crappy torch, but it was better than nothing.
I pulled out random bottles of wine and gave the labels not much more than a glance, carefully keeping them away from the flame as to not accidentally set the faded paper on fire. There were a few repeat brands, but none that said "STEAL ME, I'M RARE AND EXPENSIVE" in black and white.
Wait... Well, whaddya bet that the good stuff was in that barred-off alcove in the wall? There were at least a half dozen black bottles on display behind what looked like the bars of a jail cell. It was locked, of course. I tried picking it, but that was a no-go. I didn't think to bring a torque tool, (huuuuurr) and I probably wouldn't have been able to beat it anyway. It was a lot more secure than the lock on a cheap apartment or a simple chest. I decided to leave it be in favor of what lay upstairs.
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Walking up stairs was weird in this body.
Did you know that if the steps on a staircase were a few centimeters off, the average person would trip over them? I never had the chance to test that little theory until I had to walk up a set that went all the way up to my knees. I had to climb them on both my hands and feet to ensue that I didn't fall down, break a few bones, and wake up everyone from here to Canterlot.
"Be smart about the things you grab and where you grab them from. It's the bedrooms and the offices that you want to go for; they're where ponies tend to store their valuable stuff. But it's never worth it if you risk waking somepony up, understand? I've known Filthy Rich since I was a little older than you, and I can say for certain that he's always been a night owl. So if you hear hoofsteps, hide, even if they aren't coming your way. And if he's asleep, for the love of Celestia, don't wake him."
I tried to climb as slowly and as quietly that I could, because I didn't know whether or not someone was awake and prowling around. It seemed likely, since the lights up there still shone on. Perhaps somebody left them on? Each wooden step would creak with the same ferocity of a lion's roar if I put a single pound of pressure on them. My teeth ground themselves tighter and tighter with each inch that I climbed higher.
In reality, the sounds were probably barely audible to anyone other than myself, but any noises I made that were louder than total silence put me on edge. I mean, for Christ sake, I was trespassing in the home of someone who hadn't a clue that I was there. Back in NYC, that would be a one-way ticket to getting whacked with a blunt object by a startled stranger, or worse. Who knows what someone could do when their home was being invaded? Especially when that someone was fully prepared for thieves like myself. So, you could imagine why I was a little jittery.
A single brown eye looked through the crack in the door. What lay beyond it looked like a library, a living room, or maybe an office. The walls across the room were lined with rugged wooden bookcases completely loaded with all kinds of dusty old tomes and other assorted knickknacks. Pushed up against the wall in the corner was a cushy-looking red pillow with a grand mahogany desk covered in scrolls of various sizes, a tiny black bottle with a flamboyant feather sticking out of it, several open books, as well as a few closed ones, along with bunch of other medieval office supplies. Oh, and a pony. A caramel earth pony with a graying mane and a pair of reading glasses. He squinted hard at a rather thick and boring-looking book, a scowl of concentration upon his mug. Yep, it was Filthy Rich all right.
Just peachy.
I made a hasty retreat back into the shadows. Luckily, he had not seen me from the corner of his eye yet. I was banking on the fact that most people (and ponies) tend to feel totally safe and secure when they're home alone. After all, no one expects a burglar on just any old night. Would you, the reader, expect someone to come up behind you and shout "Oogabooga!" then beat you up and steal your computer? As far as he was concerned, I couldn't have possibly been inside there without him knowing. He was in for a rude awakening for that next morning.
Well, he would be if he just went to sleep already! I had to hang around watching him turn pages and scribble on paper for the next hour or so. I could have gnawed off my own fingers for a decent cup of espresso right around then. This guy's life must have been sooooo stimulating. Everday was an epic Lord of the Rings-style adventure for the owner of a small family business. I don't know how he can handle all of the awesome.
He didn't even leave the room when I could finally come out of the stairway. I had to watch him slowly transition from perfectly awake, to being drowsy and zombie like, to knocked the hell out. Filthy Rich had firmly planted his muzzle into a dusty old tome that was thicker than my fist and fallen into an exhausted slumber. That's what I'd call Facebook.
I'll be here all week.
My muscles tensed up even tighter as the door creaked like a banshee in a glass factory. My eyeballs were glued on the pony the whole way through that agonizing sound. I watched his every movement with bated breath; he didn't seem to react much, thank god. He only twitched a little then went right back to sawing logs.
I tiptoed around the room, looking at this and that, trying to ascertain what could be worth cash and what couldn't. I wasn't even going to BEGIN looking through the many shelves full of books on topics that I couldn't even begin to comprehend. There was a whole dozen of near identical books on "Equestrian General Law." I was interested to say the least, but my interest quickly waned when I realized that two of those things probably weighed more than I did.
'Silus, ' Pi finally spoke up. 'When you're done here, you're going to steal and read one of those books .'
"Why?" I whispered.
'Must you always question even the simplest of requests? For your information, I'd like to know what's inside of them. Specifically the books filled with Equestrian sociology and history. '
"You said that you like to find out stuff on your own, as well as something about an analogy with a book and skipping to the last chapter or something. Have a change of heart?"
I rifled through the lower levels of a bookcase. I wasn't sure of it, but I found a half-filled ashtray that might have been made out of silver. I tossed it in my bag, making sure to dump the ashes on the floor. I wished that this place were carpeted. Getting ashes out of a carpet without a vacuum cleaner had to be a nightmare.
'All the scientific tools and instruments in the universe couldn't give me detailed records of the important past events that took place in Equestria in the same way that written word could. '
"Fair enough." I eyed book after book on that shelf, skimming over the titles and not really reading them. I found one that said "Pre-Celestial History" on its spine and decided that was the one I wanted. Mostly because it was on the lower row and I didn't want to climb up anywhere to get the thing. I grabbed I and stuck it into my bag along with the ashtray.
Going on with my quest for loot, I found an unlocked wooden trunk in the corner. All it held was a collection of boring shop records on faded yellow pieces of paper. I dug around a bit and found a single gold bit at the very bottom of the pile, which I pocketed. One down, eight hundred and forty nine to go.
I searched a little more and found that behind Rich's desk was a dark grey iron box with a heavy-looking combination lock on it. I hadn't a clue how to crack a safe, so I let it be. No point in trying. Though I was curious as to what was inside. Money perhaps? Gems and gold bars? I'll never know.
I spared a glance at Rich; a dark pool of drool had amassed on his book/pillow as I snooped around the place. While I was sure that Rich was essentially dead to the world, I lightly patted down his vest looking for something like a wallet or a coin purse or-- "Oh, hey-lo gorgeous."
Around Filthy Rich's filthy hoof was what appeared to be a solid gold, diamond studded wrist watch with the name Trotex engraved into the side. Oh pony puns, never change. If I knew anything about anything, then I knew that this little baby was expensive. That is, if it wasn't a fake. Did Equestria even have mass produced knock-offs here? I had no idea, but I wanted it anyway.
Yoink. I undid the latch and the watch slipped off into my grubby little hands like melty butter. Being hoof-sized, it was too big to fit around my slender wrist so I tossed it into my backpack and that was that.
I continued to rifle through his pockets; there wasn't anything interesting so I moved on to his desk. Opening and closing the multitude of wooden drawers showed me nothing but more and more dull papers and office supplies. There was a single empty ink pot that looked like it was made from brass or something, and it didn't weigh too much either. I grabbed it.
"Now, what you're going to need to do (besides robbing him blind) is get us a sheet of paper that we know for certain he has in his possession." Royal told me."He probably keeps it somewhere close so that he could accesses it at a moment's notice, but not so close that he keeps it on his person at all times. Now, It looks kind of like a big map, or maybe a blueprint. You'll probably know it when you see it, understand?
"Yeah, but what's it a map of?
"All in due time, my orange friend."
One more to open aaaand... jackpot! Alongside a collection of fancy writing quills, the desk's main drawer held a wrought iron key and a small slip of paper that looked out of place in the pile of legal documents. Not giving a single shit about this guy's privacy, I read the note.
Tiara,
If you're reading this, then it's likely you've forgotten the combination to the safe. Remember, this is emergency money only. Having saddlebags or clothes that didn't adhere to the latest fashion trend is not an emergency, not by any stretch of the imagination. If I am not on a business trip and still in Ponyville, then ask me before you open the safe. This money isn't just for casual spending, you know.
-Dad
11 - 24 - 19
P.S. There's no need to mess with any of the papers in there. You wouldn't want anything to do with them anyway.
Who's the luckiest man in Equestria? I'm sure you don't have to guess, because I'll tell ya! IT'S ME. Irony was a dish best served with larceny. I loved irony, and larceny... well, I suppose it's okay if I'm stealing from someone who ripped off The Family, right? Stealing from a rich bad guy had to be better than stealing from a middle class innocent pony.
I kinda couldn't believe that he was dumb enough to leave the combination lying like two feet away from the safe. Wasn't he smart enough to keep the metaphorical key and lock separate? Huh, some master thief he turned out to be. Royal made me think that would have rabid guard dogs and motion detectors or something.
Well, here goes nothing. I carefully slid under the desk--with Rich still zonked out on it-- and dialed in the combo. The knob made a satisfying clicking noise as I turned it round and round. I had to do it over a few times because I had no idea whether I should start from the left or right (it was right, in case you were wondering), but on the third attempt, the safe clicked. Something in my chest fluttered when I heard that sound. I didn't know whether it was from the fear of Rich waking up, the thrill of sneaking through a pony's house undetected, or the anticipation to see what was housed inside. Whatever it was, something about opening that safe got my heart beating faster, and it felt kind of... good. It felt like I had accomplished something.
Without warning, the door swung open, and with it came the deafening screech of two slightly rusted hinges grinding against one another. I know that this comparison is a cliché in descriptive writing, but it has to be said: the noise was the same as nails on a chalkboard, and it was loud
Then came a snorting, not unlike that of a pig, or maybe someone that had been rudely awakened from a deep slumber. After that, murmuring. His words were unintelligible and confused, but they didn't have to be such to convey his meaning. What the hell was that?
Heart in my throat and bladder barely under control, I slid back under the desk as far as I could, as there was no time at all to hide anywhere else. I just hoped that he wouldn't accidentally kick me in the gut while I was down there.
"H-hello?" Filthy Rich shakily called out. "Diamond?"
The world went utterly silent for a brief moment. I held my breath and stood as still and as quiet as a stone, and I'd imagine that Rich did as well. You could have heard a pin-- No, screw that, you could have heard a damn feather drop.
I thanked god that he was the first to let out his breath, which was in the form of a long groan. "Ohh, I've got start sleeping in a real bed." Rich said to himself. I nearly cried with relief. All of a sudden, his legs shifted off of that pillow seat. He was walking away from the desk and right out of the room.
I was alone. Halle-freakin'-lujah. I tentatively poked my head from the desk to see if it was really true. Had I really just gotten out of such a close shave not one, but two times in a row? Jesus Christ, was being an ottsel like wearing a rabbit's foot around your neck? That was just pure dumb luck, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I was free to do as I wished in this room, and if Rich decided to go to bed, the rest of the house would soon be mine to play about in. I'd have free reign over all of his stuff.
Oh yeah, this was going to be fun.
(9) The Science of Bending the Truth
In the Name of Science Chapter Nine: The Science of Bending the Truth
I had found a new guilty pleasure.
Stealing, I learned, was actually pretty fun once I convinced myself that it was for a good reason. Ignoring the fact that taking what isn't mine is wrong, there were a lot of little thrills to be had in the home of Filthy Rich, who--as his name would suggest-- is loaded with tons of nearly useless knickknacks and doohickies that were practically made out of money.
I gleefully grabbed anything and everything that looked shiny or expensive and wasn't nailed down. Gold candlestick? Mine. Big white crystal thingy that looked like a paperweight? Yoink. Gem-encrusted letter opener? I'll take that. Silverware set that was actually made out of silver? It made a funny noise when I stuffed it in my bag. Painting of some important-looking dude? Took it out of the frame, rolled it up, and tucked it under my arm. Fancy brown felt fedora? Not worth much, but at least I had a new hat, and it was just my size to boot. Though, I kinda didn't like the way it smooshed my ears.
I was, in all honesty, drunk with greed, and stealing had quickly became a sort of cycle for me. See. Want. Take. Have. As easy as blinking. There was no one to stop me from doing what I wanted; what was theirs was mine, all I had to do was reach out and grab it. It was... liberating , to say the least. All my life, my parents and I had to fight tooth and nail just to keep our heads above water, financially speaking. All of a sudden I held trinkets in my hands that would have supported a family of four for a year. I hadn't in all of my life owned things so valuable. Things made out of gold, real mother-humpin' gold .
If only I had been able to bend the laws of space and time to take myself back to that shady spot in back in Central Park with the bag. I could've taken a taxi back home to my parent's place and strolled inside like it was just another day. I would then plonk the bag of loot down on the coffee table and say "Check it out, mom 'n dad, we're loaded! Halle-freakin-lujah!"
Alas, I was still permanently stuck in Equestria, which wasn't too shabby when you think about it the right way. You already know this well, but I'll say it again: This place was pretty damn great. Despite the fact that I have on multiple occasions become a bona fide butt monkey, I was having the time of my life. Sure, I may have been electrocuted, drugged, beaten, deafened by unexplainable high pitched noises, and forced into some sketchy situations by some unsavory characters, but I still tried to stay positive when I can. I was sure that things would smooth over after I get settled in to this whole new "life of crime" deal.
I was wrong. So very, very wrong. But hey, you win some and you lose some.
Loading, please wait. . .
It took less than twenty minutes for me to fill my backpack to the point where it was nearly ripping apart at the seams. The bag was filled to the brim with all sorts of neat shit that rich people like to just leave lying around the house, begging to be taken. I was sure that my back would hurt like a bitch from lugging it all around when I woke up the next morning, but all that ill-gotten loot was more than worth a little acheyness later.
One thing that I hadn't thought about until then was the ungodly clattering and clanking noise that the backpack made whenever I moved faster than the speed of smell. It was like listening to an orchestra of pots and pans trying to play Beethoven's Fifth.
So, with all that being said, I'd bet you can imagine the sound that it would make if I were to say... drop it down a staircase. Which I did. Yep.
Oh, shut up. I know what you're thinking. "Geez Silus, you're such a klutz lolololololol." Well stop thinking that, even if you weren't in the first place. I had a perfectly good reason to drop it...sorta. I had one of those terrible itching sensations under my tail, you know the kind that felt like being bitten by an army of angry fleas. Well, the sack was too big to reach around, so I had to slip off one strap to get an arm free so I could do some hardcore scratching. Of course, it put me waaaay off balance, and I happened to be at the top of a staircase.
Shake, rattle, and roll. I ended up tumbling end over end down a mercifully short flight of stairs, the content of the bag spewing out and falling with me. It was a clattering landslide of orange fur and loot. I ended up in a heap of sharp metal objects and in a whole new world of pain. Yippe. Thankfully, I only ended up with the wind knocked out of my tin lungs, along with some bruises that I'd discover later. I was lucky enough to be able to get back up and dust myself off before--
"Celestia's flanks, what was that
"Dad, what's going on?"
"No, honey, just stay in your room, okay? Daddy's gonna go check it out."
"Oh, hell in a handbasket! " I muttered to myself.
My mind moved as fast lightning, and my limbs a little bit slower. Two jobs I had done, two times I had awoken somebody. This did not bode well for my thieving career, not in the slightest. I scooped up all of the loot that my hands could hold and stuffed it back into the bag, trying to make it all fit together like it had before. It was like playing a real life game of Tetris, and the game ended when the loot reached the top.
"Screw it!" I piled as much in there as physically possible and left the rest at the bottom of the staircase. Such a shame, but I'd rather be a little poorer than in jail. I threw the bag over my shoulders once more and bolted off like a bat out of hell.
"Hey, wait! Stop!" Came the voice of somepony.
To this day, I don't know why I froze. Perhaps I'm just a nice guy, and if someone asks me to do something as simple as to stop running, I do it. There was no telling for sure what ran through my mind, but there was just something about the way he said what he said. It felt...off . It was like his tone of voice didn't fit what I imagined it would have sounded like.
So there I stood; a pack full of things that didn't belong to me in hand, staring into the eyes of a rich stallion in his cliché money-pattern green pajamas. I looked at him, he looked back at me, neither of us moved, neither of us spoke. We just had a moment... a brief moment when realization hit both of us like a runaway train. He had been robbed, I had been caught. The air between us was thick as pudding.
"Is that my hat?"
I allowed myself a brief glance up at the felt rim of my new hat. I grinned, despite the rather somber mood. "It used to be."
"Wh-why? Why are you doing this?" he asked tentatively, his eyes pleading for an answer.
Eyes. Pleading. I repeated those words in my head. It's not how I imagined him to be. The way I had saw him in my head I after Royal told me of his betrayal was different of how he was in real life. I imagined him like some diabolical backstabbing traitor who wanted to destroy the world with his evil death ray of doom, but no. He looked to me as evil as a sad little puppy dog, lost without his master.
At the time, I thought that it was a ruse; maybe he acted like that to make me let my guard down, but that wasn't it. "Why." I echoed. "Well, I guess it's my job to clean you out. The Family sent me, you know. They wanted payback for what you did to them."
"The Family? As in Thee one and only Family ?" He seemed confused, like I had just said that his great grandmother hired me to rob him.
"You know, the Family that you screwed over."
"This must be a mistake, I've been nothing but good to them! They can't just loot my house like I'm some common--"
"Waitwaitwaitwait, rewind." I stopped him. "Did you just say 'good'? Heh, if that's what you call that good, man, then I don't want to see you go bad."
He scoffed indignantly, throwing his nose in the air like you'd expect a rich guy to. "I should have known better than to trust you ponies. Honestly, you all hit a low point and just start robbing anypony with bits in their pockets. If that's the way it's going to be, fine. You can forget about our previous arrangements!"
"Yeah, well you can go-- Wait, what?" Huh? Did he just say what I thought he said?
His face flared up to a shade of red that looked like it belonged to a fruit. "You heard me right, weasel! Even if you pack of wild thieves do get back up on your hooves one day, I'll never even buy a single bit worth of dirty merchandise for as long as I live!"
Okay, now I'm confused. This conversation took a turn for the WTF. I made a capital T with my hands. "Woah there, moneybags, time-out. I'm kind of new here, so just bear with me. You're suggesting that you didn't sell The Family out to Princess Luna?"
"No! What are you, crazy? You're the one clopping me over, moron."
'The plot thickens. ' The otherwise silent Pi said.
"Ohh-kay." I wasn't sure what to make of this. Was he lying? If he was, why would he lie about it? Why would The Family steal from someone they're in business with? Why would they send me to do it? When did this get so complicated all of a sudden?
To hell with it. I didn't exactly care at the moment. Better not to ask. "Well," I said, doing an about face and heading toward what I assumed to be the exit. "Sorry about your stuff, bro, but that's just how things work. I'm sure you can afford to lose a few letter openers and soup spoons. Ciao."
"Okay, fine! Go ahead, keep it all. I don't care" Filthy Rich all but shouted at me as I went. "Just as long as I don't have to see another member of The Family for as long as I live."
I reached up and grabbed the handle of the door, turning to say "I can't make any promises, but I know I personally won't wanna come back here again. This place is too fancy-schmancy for my tastes."
With a dramatic flick of the wrist, I opened the-- "That is SO not the way out." What lay behind that door was not outside, but a broom closet filled with all manner of household cleaning items. "Hey, uh, where's the exit?"
Rich gave off an aggravated sigh and pointed to the opposite end of the room. "End of the hall, can't miss it." That was awfully gracious of him.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
Loading, please wait. . .
A trudge through Ponyville later and I had found Royal Blue waiting for me at HQ. He was leaning in the doorway of the shack, the glowing orange candlelight emanating from the many spaces in the building behind him, kind of like a giant wooden Halloween pumpkin.
"Did you get the document?" He asked, as eager for the loot as a child for his Christmas presents. Well, maybe he wasn't that excitable, but he seemed pretty energetic for his age.
"Yeah." I said, gladly letting the overweight backpack clatter to the ground and off of my poor shoulder. I fished out the blue-tinted scroll that I had looted from Rich's safe and handed it to him. He snatched it out of my grasp greedily. Well, that was rude.
"I took a peek at that thing. It looks like floor plans to a freakin' superfortress. Well, a piece of one, anyway. It's been ripped apart."
"I know, I know." He waved dismissively, unable to tear his squinted eyes away from the map. "I was the one who tore it up. Say, let's look at this inside. I can't see a thing in this darkness."
Royal tucked it in the crook of his leg and went back inside. I dragged the loot in with me like it was a dead body, not wanting to carry it on my achy breaky back anymore. I was pleasantly surprised to find that inside the hut was comfortably warm compared to the chilly night outside. That was due to the fact that they had built a fire inside the house. Not in a fireplace, but in a pit right in the middle like a teepee or something. In addition to that, the one and only room aside from the crudely dug-out basement was sparsely furnished. It held naught but a nicked and beaten old table that was pushed against the far wall, littered with that night's plans. Plus, a collection of four hammocks, two in either corner of the room, arranged like bunk beds. Three of them held a sleeping pony and one unoccupied.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, these ponies are poor .
"So," Royal said, spreading the scroll out on the table "did the break-in go off without a hitch?"
"Yep. They'll, uh, never know what hit 'em." I didn't want to tell him. What was I to say? 'Hey Royal, why did you lie to me about Rich? He was actually kind of nice, let me walk out the door with his stuff. I don't think he should blah blah blah blah... "
"So nopony saw you?"
"Not a one. Got in through a window, stole some stuff, got out the same way."
He grinned at me with a smile so wide it could have made The Joker jealous. "Excellent! I knew you had the gift, colt. I'm never wrong about that kind of stuff, you know. I can just smell it on a pony like perfume."
"I'm not a pony." I corrected.
"Indeed you are not." He said absentmindedly, his attention had quickly drifted off to the blueprints. "Ah ha, we have wondrous news!"
"Cool." I said. "I like good news, but wondrous news is even better. So what's up with the map?"
"As far as I can tell, this print has not been altered in any way by anypony since before it was ripped up. Now let us pray that the others are in such good condition."
"What is it, like a treasure map or something?"
"Better!" Blue exclaimed with the enthusiasm of a cheerleader. "It is merely more than a map, my friend, it's plans to a heist. Not just any old boring bank heist, oh no. This little filly makes all other lesser heists pale in comparison."
A heist? I should've figured. What else could a band of thieves want with blueprints? They sure as hell weren't going to build castle with it. But I just had to ask...
"What makes it so special?"
"Special?! " He almost sounded insulted "It is the onl-- Uhm. Ah, well, I, uh, I can't tell you. Heh heh." He rolled the document up and tucked it away, out of sight.
Because telling me would be too easy. And easy just wasn't a thing that happened to me a lot. I wanted to be mad, I really did. Shouldn't I get to ask questions about what I had just stolen from a very rich (and very easily robbed) pony? Alas, I didn't energy to be upset with him, I just wanted to lay my head down and end the night.
He flashed a half-hearted smile my way. "Sorry, son, only the Mothers and Fathers of The Family knew that this thing even existed. That's how we kept it out of Princess Luna's hooves. We might've been torn apart by a benevolent alicorn, but this Family still has rules. And you know what they say, the rules are rules."
Whatever. I waved it off dismissively. I'll tell him why the rules are crap...the next morning. God, I was so tired. The night before wasn't exactly heavy on the shuteye, and that night wasn't any different. Now that there was no looting left to worry about, nothing could stand in between me and the inside of my eyelids. I didn't even want a freaking cigarette or a cup of coffee, that's how deeply I was focused on getting to bed.
"So," I said, stifling an unsurprising yawn "where do I sleep? Those hammocks looked like the greatest thing in the world right about now. Hell, a pile of rags on a dirt floor would be fine by my standards."
"You can go share one of 'em with Squeaky. He won't mind." Royal gestured to the large rope hammock that cradled a comparatively smaller pinto colt curled up in a ball.
Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I give you Squeaky, better known as Pipsqueak Coast, son of Emerald Coast. Yeah, feel free to kick your headcanon to the curb just as I did when I met him earlier. It turns out, he's not actually an orphan as most of the fandom believed. Just because we don't see a character's parents doesn't automatically make them parentless, you cruel bastards.I'd bet five bucks that Scootaloo isn't an orphan either.
So, point is, he not without a father figure in his life. Though, said father is a career criminal, but then again so am I. And Royal Blue. And I'm pretty sure that Winter Wheat chick that follows Emerald around is one too. Not to mention how he was born into a metaphorical family of thieves as well as a literal one. I think it's safe to say that larceny was in his blood.
For those of you who don't like the idea of Pipsqueak being a thief, go jump in a hole. In the couple of hours that I spent with him, I saw the kid pick a practice lock... with hooves . I couldn't imagine how hard that would be without two thumbs and eight fingers. And he did it faster than I could by like three whole minutes. This kid was born to steal. I know, right? Who knew?
Anyway, I hauled myself up and made myself comfortable among the tangle of ropes. Pip was already dead asleep, and I wasn't far behind. If I slept sideways, there was enough room in the hammock to lay comfortably without being right up in each other's faces.
"G'night, Royal." I said.
"Hm?" He looked up from the scroll he had unfurled once more. "Oh, good night, Silus."
"You can call me Si, if that's your thing. Most of my other friends did."
"Alright then, Si. Congratulations, by the way. You're an official part of The Family now. Welcome home."
"Yeah, thanks."
With that being said, I kicked my feet up, put my hands behind my head, closed my eyes, and thanked god that I was finally able to get some damn rest. It didn't take long to call asleep, maybe a minute or two of silence and I was off to dreamland.
And so ended day three in Equestria. Wow... It didn't really feel like just three days that I had been here, it felt more like one big one. Everything was a blurred mishmash of new experiences to the point that it was almost sensory overload. This was one of the few calls and quiet moments that I had, and I spent it sleeping my ass of.
Everything I had done in three days... was this how my new life was always going to be? Heists, rickety shacks, gold, and petty theft? I can't say that's how I pictured making a new life for myself. But hey, I'll take what I can get. Maybe a career with The Family wasn't so bad. They seemed nice once I've gotten to know them, and their cause seems just. But one thing still nagged me; why did Royal lie to me? Did it matter whether or not I thought he was a bad guy to steal from him? Eh, maybe. I sure did feel better about cleaning his safe out thinking that he was a traitor.
Oh well, I could've just pretended I never met him, it was probably easier that way. It didn't really matter, no harm no foul and all that. Tomorrow was another day, and I decided to be more concerned about that than what already happened.
After all, what's past is past, right?
(10) The Science of Hitting the Road
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. (1) The Science of Terminal Velocity
In The Name of Science Chapter One: The Science of Terminal Velocity "Gaaaaaah! Ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod!" Old man Gravity yanked my body downward at the speed of a bullet. The wind whipped and roared around my ears like a hurricane with deafening noise, I wanted to cover them up, by my arms just flailed uselessly. The world was nothing but a colorful blur as I toppled end over end, the tears in my eyes obscured everything and rendered me nearly blind. My brain rattled and bounced around like a meatball in a glass jar, muddling my thoughts and reverting them the to most basic of primal instincts. Falling bad. Falling scary. The G forces rushed up to meet me with the harsh power of a speeding semi truck, straining my body to near-painful levels. The wind rushed past and ruffled my fur like a... Wait. My fur. Fur . What in the name of sweet baby Jesus in the cradle going on?! How did I get here?! Why the hell are my hands orange?! Sadly, there was no time to dwell on that, for I was going to meet the ground in not too long, and then it'll be all over. The multitude of buildings below me grew in size at an alarming rate, soon I would scare the hell out of some guy by crashing through his roof in a bloody mess. Death was coming for me, there was no doubt in my mind about that. Funny how I accepted it so quickly. I. Was. Going. To. Die. Just like that. I wondered if there really was a Grim Reaper waitng at the bottom, sharpening his sythe with a whetstone in anticipation of my arrival. Well, there's only one way to find out. I never expected my life to flash before my eyes as I fell. I just thought that that was a folk tale, but apparently not. My life went a little something like this...Cup of coffe and a cigarette. Cup of coffe and a cigarette. Cup of coffe and a cigarette. Cup of coffe cigarette. Cup of coffe and a cigarette. Almost got laid. Cup of coffe and a cigarette. I'd like to say that I regret nothing, but that would be a lie. The amount of things on my bucket list that I had crossed off was pathetic, and there were so many things I wanted to do, places I wanted to go, people I wanted to meet. All of that was impossible now. Death had a funny way of making it hard to have fun. Oh god, why was this happening to me? One moment I was in Central Park, and the next...Loading, please wait. . . Central Park. Oh, Central Park, how I loved thee. It was a much needed splash of wonderful color in a city otherwise filled with the dull shades of modern architecture. I loved the crowds of people of all races and genders lazing about the open areas on a Sunday afternoon. I loved the young fathers pushing their infants around in strollers, and the lovely ladies taking their spoiled dogs for a walk. I loved the nature, the grand old oak trees holding fast to the ground and the carefully manicured patches of flowers that I couldn't ever remember the names of. I even loved the ragged, unwashed panhandlers wandering about and muttering their warnings of the incoming apocalypse. Yes, even them . It all added to the ambiance and sense of relaxation that emanated from every inch of the place. I loved everything about central park, and that is why I've always spent my weekends here. That day, I was sitting on a ragged wrought iron bench, dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans, black fedora, and an old cotton hoodie. "Brrr..." I zipped up my hoodie, it was starting to get cold out here. The leaves on the trees had just started loosing their green brilliance to make way for the reds, oranges, and yellows of Autumn days. Carefully placed right next to me was a smooth black leather case, about four feet in length, that took up over half of the bench. It was bound shut by a brass three-number combination lock. I eagerly slid the three numbers into place. One. Six. Two. Click. The case was opened, revealing the most valuable and cherished item on this whole planet and anywhere else in the galaxy. An old six-string Gibson acoustic guitar, with bright orange finish that has faded to a shade of yellow after all those years of use. I lifted the instrument gingerly out of it's case and slipped the leather strap over my head. It's familiar weight felt comfortable in my lap, almost like an extra limb that I had grown up with. My fingers found their way to the coarse strings. Pluck. Thruummmmmm . The guitar sent a beautifully low note throughout the area, perfectly pitched. This baby needed no tuning, she was all fired up and ready to go. First thing's first, I propped up the cardboard sign in my still open case, presenting it to the world. "College Fund" it read "Don't be stingy." I took a deep, cleansing breath and peered around the sidewalks that winded their ways through the park. A few people strolled by, giving me no more than a second glance. This would be a high-traffic area in an hour or so, making it an excellent place to preform. And without further ado, I played. My practiced hands danced around the strings with ease, filling the air with wonderful, wonderful music. I started off with a slow number to warm up, it was a nice little peice by an eighties band named Tesla. The song was called "What you Give." It was a ballad, plain and simple, about learing that life isn't the material things that you surround youself with, but the love that you give away to others. Whoever wrote it must have not had any money probelms in their life, because I'm more trouble by what I don't got than what I give. On and on the guitar went. I recited the chords to that cherished piece with perfect rhythm and beat. The hollow sounds filled up this part of the park like a high-tide wave of music as my instrument sang it's longing song of love and joy. I, myself, did not sing with it. I didn't exactly have the best voice for solo singing, I was a baritone, and nothing but. If I tried singing higher, I would have sounded like Mickey Mouse trying to do covers of seventies and eighties tunes. (I chuckled to myself at the thought of Disney's mascot trying to sing Panama , or something like that.) Instead, I let my guitar be my voice. I let it wail it's hollow melodies when my vocal chords could not. People who would have passed me by any other time suddenly stopped when my music caught their ears. Their trains of thought were derailed as they put their lives on hold to take a moment to listen. Some of those people stopped by to say hello, and comment on my playing. Some of them even left a pocket full of change or a dollar bill in my case before they went away. I would smile and quietly thank them for their donations. The song ended. So I chose another. This one was a little harder, it was Fleetwood Mac's Never Going Back Again , one of my personal favorites. The New Yorkers came and went like they always did. Stop. Listen. Chat. Money. Leave. This was my usual Sunday afternoon routine, I've been doing it for around three years since I got that office job up town. Three years... still didn't stop being fun. Even more fun than my times with MLP, and that's saying a lot. A short, three-year-old girl with very curly blonde hair and her much taller mother passed me by. I saw the girl's eyes widen in interest the second they came within earshot, she slipped her tiny hand from her mother's and wandered over to me. I said nothing and politely smiled at her as I played on, she smiled back with a grin that was a few teeth short. "Thas pretty." the child said simply. "It takes a lot of practice." I stated matter-of-factly, not breaking the song's beat "Been doing it all my life." "I'm sure it does." her mom said humorously just as she caught up with her energetic kid. She stopped and put her hands on her hips "My name's Catherine, this is my little girl, Naomi." "Hello, Catherine." I said absentmindedly. I turned my gaze down to the little girl with a finger in her mouth, and with a much friendlier tone I said "Hello, Naomi. I'm Silus." Naomi gave me another adorably toothless smile and waved at me, even though I was only a foot away "Hi, Siluz." I'll be damned if that wasn't the cutest thing I've ever seen. Catherine's eyes darted to my case, and then back to me "Attending college, are you?" "Hold on..." There was only a few notes left in the song, I quickly finished it so I could have a proper conversation with the ladies. I set the old Gibson to the side "No, I'm not a college boy, not yet anyway. I'm not exactly bright enough or good enough at a sport for a huge scholarship fund, and not a single person in my family can afford to send me anywhere nice." I shrugged "So, here I am. Paying for it on my own." The woman nodded sagely "Yeah, I know what that's like--" she inclined her head to Naomi "--Had to put cosmetology school on hold so I could take care of this little ball of energy." I opened my mouth to say something, but my words left me and I instead decided to keep on playing guitar. This next one was a random salsa dance-type peice that I found on the internet, it was pretty fast and hard to play, but it was oh so satisfying when I hit the notes perfectly. To my suprise, little Naomi was dancing and jumping around when I started playing, but not to the beat. Normal Kids never seem to have a sense of rhythm, they just dance because it was a good excuse to move around wildly. And it was freaking adorable, to boot. Naomi giggled as she spun around. It seemed that laughter was indeed contagious, and she soon had her mother and I giggling along with her. Catherine checked her watch and flashed and apologetic look at me "Sorry, gotta go, I'm almost late for yoga." She took Naomi's hand in her own "Come on, Sweetie." "Mmkay." the daughter hummed, she turned to wave at me again "Bye-bye!" I smiled and waved back "Bye." The tall woman cracked a small smile at me and gingerly dropped a handful of copper and nickel jinglies in to the leather case "See you later." she said, already starting off in a random direction. I tipped my black felt fedora at her "Thank'ee, ma'am, I'm here every Saturday." She stopped mid-stride and turned to me "Well, I'll probably be here around the same time next week. We'll stop by again when we get the chance, okay?" I gave her a casual wave "Sure, see ya 'round."Loading, please wait. . . Fluttershy had been having a very pleasant time on that particular morning in Ponyville. The yellow mare marveled at the extent of beauty contained in the town's outskirts as she did most days. She enjoyed the peaceful nature of her little sanctuary, much like I had enjoyed Central Park. Of course, it was mostly Fluttershy's doing that the area around her cottage was a botanical garden of vividly colored plants and animals, unlike the aforementioned park. The mare took tremendous pride in caring for the animals of Ponyville, most of witch lived at or around her house. Fluttershy's front lawn was dominated with rabbit warrens, bird houses, and a clear blue stream filled with numerous species of fish that cut through the property. It was all thanks to the shy little pegasus that these critters had happy, healthy lives. Or else they'd be in Ponyville knocking over garbage cans and skittering through the streets looking for food and shelter. She was keeping all the animals at bay from the uptight citizens of that town as much as she was taking care of them. For her, it was just another pleasant, sunshiny day to bask in. Right up until I arrived. In the distance, a small flicker of unusual movement caught the eyes of Fluttershy. It was coming from the east, it seemed to her to be the silhouette of some kind of bird, perhaps a hawk. The form was descending slowly, momets away from touching the horizon line. Is it a bird? she thought No, that couldn't be. Birds fly straight, not fall down. Is it plane? Wait, what's a plane? Fluttershy was unsure why that thought entered her mind. Perhaps she had heard that strange word some where before, but she couldn't recall where from. With a mental shrug, Fluttershy reached for a pair of conveniently placed bird-watching binoculars and peered through them. The realization hit the mare like a runaway carriage as soon as the form became clear. That was no bird, it didn't have wings. That means it wasn't meant to fly, and it was falling... Falling down. Falling hard. And falling fast. "Oh, no." Fluttershy did not think. Fluttershy did not hesitate. Fluttershy just acted. Her hooves were off the ground before she even knew her wings were flapping.Loading, please wait. . . Back in the park, things had taken a turn for the freaky. There he stood not feet away from me, a creepy middle-aged man. He had a head of black hair with flecks of grey in it that receded to the back of his skull. A pair of thick glasses were perched atop his narrow nose, enlarging his eyes to comical levels. The old man wore a casual grey business suit with a bright orange tie that starkly contrasted with the rest of his clothes. He spoke softly, I mused his voice to be akin to that of Fluttershy's, but a little deeper and more masculine. And he definitely wasn't as shy. In his cracked hand, the man held some kind of orb, around the size of a head and shaped like the egg of a chicken. This curious object was made from a metal that I had never in all my life seen before, it had the dull brown color of bronze, yet it glittered and shone in the sunlight like a bar of gold. The object was inscribed with runic symbols all over, the glyphs were arranged into some kind of pattern that looked like a language. Never before had I seen letters like this. I eyed the orb warily "So you're giving me...this...thing . Just like that. " The man nodded sagely "Just like that." "All because you...you like my music, you're offering me a family heirloom that's worth more than I could imagine?" "Consider it an investment for the future." the man said with a trace of humor in his voice. "What's the catch?" Nothing in life is free. Nothing. That's something any New Yoker knows for sure. There's always an angle, always fine print at the bottom of the page. This had to be a scam. "The catch is," the old man began "We invest into your future, and you come work for us." I knew there was a catch, but..."Who the heck is "us?" and what kind of work?" I was pretty willing to quit my current crappy job for something a little more substantial. And hey, you never know where a good job could come from in today's economy. The man looked hesitant. He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts before answering "I guess you could call us--" he stopped to search for the right word "--a team. A research team, dedicated to the pursuit of scientific discovery." Scientists? "What does a group of science-types need with me? I'm going to college to get a freakin' degree in theater, not like aerospace engineering or something." "Ohh..." he droned "We need someone with a more...artistic mind to help us. Someone with a fresh outlook on things." Artistic? Fresh outlook? I can do that. "Well...I guess I'm pretty artsy. I can't tell you jack-shit about that higher level science stuff, but I can give you some damn fine advice on your fanfics." Heh heh heh. "Fanfi--?" the unnamed man began, but let his voice trail off "Ah, I get it. A joke. Wonderful. Yes yes, I think you'll do just fine for the position." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose "What position? You still haven't told me what this job entails." "I guess you could call it..." the man rolled his free hand around in a circular motion as he searched for the right word "Field work. You'll be the one collecting data directly from the environment and we'll be working in the backround interpreting that data and turning into fact." Environment, he said. Like, out in nature? This guy must of been one of those eco-nut conservationist types. I could definitely get behind that, a break from the concrete roads and the skyscrapers of the Big Apple would be nice and refreshing, especially if I was to go out and do science-ey stuff for the good of the planet. "Sooo--" I droned "Exactly where would I be doing my work?" I almost didn't catch the ghost of a smile that appeared on his face, it was so subtle. "Ohhh..." he began "You'll be working in a very nice place, I'm sure that you know it well. It's a little country called Equestria ." Oh that's nice. Without warning, he tossed that bronze orb at me. Thinking fast, I caught the gleaming trinket in both hands before it impacted into my face. Wow, this thing was heavier than I- "Wait, Equestria?" I asked just as Mr. Realization smacked me upside the head "THE Equestria?" Before I could ask more questions and that old dude could give me an ambiguous answer, a silent flash of pure whiteness filled my eyes, washing away everything else in a wave of colorless oblivion. And then I was falling. Falling down. Falling hard. And falling fast.Loading, please wait. . . I was out of breath. The combination of my incessant screaming and the G forces pressing on my lungs had knocked the wind out of me. All I could do was cough and hack and wait for my body to meet the dirt. I wondered if I had reached that thing where you can't fall any faster and you're at maximum speed. What was it called again? Terminal something-or-other. Eh, I guess I'll ask that guy standing at the Pearly Gates when I get there. Then, just as suddenly as I started, I was no longer falling. I was snatched up by something else that was flying through the air, creating a jerking sensation no unlike that of being tackled by the world's biggest linebacker. The linebacker creature pressed me to its warm, and surprisingly soft, body as it flew on. It's not true how they say that time "slows down" in traumatic high-adrenaline situations. In fact, it actually feels sped up. Minutes turn into seconds and seconds turn into milliseconds. That's what happened when whatever-that-thing-was grabbbed me. Time passed like a speeding car. After a second, we must have hit the ground, because I felt the world roll and tumble around like it was caught in some cosmic washing machine. And then, after the washing machine had stopped, all was still. Thank god. I was too disoriented to tell what had grabbed me, all it seemed like was a blur of pink and yellow mixed with the blue of the sky and the green of the ground. In fact, I was also too disoriented to give a damn about it either. All I know was that the falling has stopped, it was replaced by sweet, sweet stillness. The thing that grabbed me moved onto its back and released me its tight grasp. I rolled limply on to the grass. Ahh grass, lovely, scratchy green plants. Grass grew on land, and that meant I was no longer free falling. I was alive. Wow....I mean, wow ! I was... I WAS ALIVE! Alive alive alive! Hah hah ha! I fell from, like, a million feet up, but now I'm in the dirt without a scratch on me. Yeah! Gravity shall not take me this day. I would have celebrated, but I was too exhausted to even speak. My body just moved limply like a piece of putty, my limbs were jelly, and my head was swimming with dizziness. But that didn't matter. Why? Because I was alive! Wheeee! "Ohmygosh, are you okay?" came a sweet feminine voice from above me with a mildly exausted tone. Well, at least I think it came. Honestly, it could have been my brain playing tricks on me. I made no response. "Uhm, hey. Excuse me." the same voice said. I felt something big and cold press against my side, it nudged me like you would nudge someone to wake up. "Hello? Oh no, please don't be dead." "Mmnnnghh..." I grumbled, offering the owner of that voice the best reply I could manage, eliciting a high pitched gasp from the (I'm going to take a long shot here and say that it was a girl.) girl My eyes were fighting my brain for the right to stay closed, but the brain always ruled supreme the body, and my eyes fluttered open dutifully. What I saw was not was not a girl. In the noun sense of the word, anyway. She was a she, but not a girl girl. No, what I saw was the big cyan blue eyes, yellow fur, and pink mane of (You guessed it!) Fluttershy. Fluttershy. I was face-to-face with Fluttershy herself. What I thought had been a fictional, yet beloved character of a fictional tv show set in a fictional world with fictional talking ponies was now invading my personal space, looking deep into my eyes, and was breathing heavily like she had run a marathon. And you know what? Her breath smelled terrible.
Intermission: The Philosophy of Silus White
Intermission: The Philosophy of Silus White
In The Name of Science Intermission: The Philosophy of Silus White Thief. I've been tossing that word around a whole hell of a lot since I sat down and started writing this. I could could spice my writing up a bit and use different words like crook, burglar, criminal, robber, purloiner, moonlighter, klepto, larcener--or any other juicy words that I totally didn't get from a thesaurus--but thief just has this kind of ring to it. All of those other words sounded so... negative; like they belonged to a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. Thief sounds more neutral, being neither too negative or positive. It was not black, it was not white, just grey. Grey. Most people, including myself, like to see things in plain black and white. They want to be able to point at anything or anyone in the world and say "That's black!" or "That's white!" "That's evil!" or "That's good!" It would make life so easy and much more bearable if we could label everything as one or the other. Sadly, that's not how the world works, even in Equestria. Everthing to ever exist, my friends, is just a different shade of grey. The good things in your life could be the things that kill you, and the bad things could be the things that save you. It's not some great tragedy about the human (or equine) nature, what it really is is a fact. It's just life. Life. I like to think of everything I did with Pi and The Family as one big yin-yang. You know, the old Chinese symbol that looks like a pair of tadpoles swimming around one another in a big 69. You can see how the white part has a little black dot in it and the black has a little white dot in it. The good has a little bad in it, and the bad has a little good in it. It might vary from time too time depending on the circumstances, but all in all, that's life, baby. Funny how something we think is so complicated can be summed up with a symbol that you could make with a stick in the dirt. Life is grey. It is grey, it always has been grey, and it will continue on to be grey. We are all a delicate balance of both good and evil at the same time. Nothing can change it, the only thing to do is to accept it and keep on going. If we finnaly learn to live with that, we can move on. If we learn to accept and embrace it, we can do just about anything with our life. I wish I could have accepted it back then. As I stood in that shitty wooden shack, caught up in the middle of a war between The Family and the rest of Equestria, I had no idea about any of this. I still thought that I would be a bad person just because I broke the law. I still felt that churning in my stomach every time Rarity or diamonds crossed my mind. I would eventually forgive myself for that, but it didn't exactly happen overnight. The world had bigger problems than the theft of a single gem. I didn't know it at the time, but when I offered Royal Blue and The Family my help, I set the stage for what would become the chaotic adventure that was to be the rest of my life. I know now that I was in over my head, very much so. The responsibilities of Pi's demands and working for the guild would weighed heavily on my metaphorical body, and the strenuous activities and constant dangers of the thief life would weigh even more on my littereal body. But I'm happy to say that I survived it all. Yes siree, hell and high water has come for me before, more than once in fact. And you know what? I kicked its ass, even as it kicked mine. I survived Equestria... Well, just barely. Stay tuned for what's to come, folks.
