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Alcohol, Alicorns, and Airships
Chapter One: Questionable Equestrian Conquests
Twilight Sparkle woke up from her nap knowing one thing for certain: The next two days were going to suck.
No. That word didn't feel right coming out of her mouth or even being thought. It didn't fit her verbose vocabulary and linguistic patterns. She thought of the right solution.
Twilight Sparkle woke up from her nap knowing one thing for certain: In the ever erudite words of wisdom of Rainbow Dash, the next two days were going to be bucking shitty.
It was nice for her to have friends who could say what she could not. It made up for some - and only some - of the stupidity that they caused, as much as she loved them with all of her heart.
At least the Elements had their own train. To think of how they would all act at the current moment in front of dozens of ponies scared her. When she thought about it more though, it couldn't have made things that much worse.
Being hungover on a long distance train from Canterlot to the Crystal Empire with her friends and knowing the lives that they once enjoyed were soon going to be gone was not what she would call a good day. She didn't have a contingency plan for it either. The OCD part of her brain cursed at her in both Neightin and Equish for not having one. She swore back in a manner that would've made Celestia puke, Applejack whistle admirably, Rarity and Fluttershy faint, and Rainbow Dash orgasm all at the same time. She didn't even bother guessing what Pinkie Pie would say or do.
The bleeding edge studies she had read were right: Swearing in the right manner and time really did make her feel less stressed. She didn't even want to eat a whole box of Oreos anymore. Just half.
She had no book to read during the day long train ride, and she didn't want to pester her friends in case they didn't want to have a conversation. She couldn't sleep much through the trip either, since she had pulled a record amount of it yesterday. Stress, binge eating, marijuana and alcohol tended to make one sleepy. Now, she was both tired and awake at the same time, a feeling she usually enjoyed. It allowed her to gaze into the unknown parts of her mind, and as much of an intellectual as she was, exploring the hidden senses of consciousness through sleep deprivation, a pinch of cannabis and magical sedation was something that was wonderful when properly done from time to time.
The last two days had not been properly done, and it was going to bite her chubby plot for even saying yes to the whole ordeal, despite how fun it had been. It wasn't even the playful lover kind of bite either: It was the scarring of her hindquarters kind of bite. She didn't want it to be ruined. She had a cute butt, even though she denied it.
Maybe, just maybe, it would help her out of her predicament. Cadance did seem mildly attracted to Twilight's rump.
Twilight doubted it would save her and her friends from their inevitable doom.
"This, sucks," she said aloud. Just this once, she'd let the words escape her lips. It wasn't like she hadn't sworn twenty times in the last two days.
"It sucks more than a Saddle Arabian oil derrick, but we'll pull through."
Of any of the voices of her friends that she'd want to hear, Applejack was the one. Sure, Applejack had shown her own batch of country cursing two days ago, but the orange mare had kept her cool. Mostly. Twilight hadn't set a shining example of it either.
Twilight turned her muzzle around from her idle gazing of the growing Crystal Empire thundra to smile softly at Applejack. "Tired of sleeping? I can't stop thinking about the letter either, but the sleep really helped."
Applejack nodded, her emerald eyes scanning over the mid afternoon horizon. She moved forward to lean up against the window besides Twilight. "I've slept more in the last day than I can remember," she said. "Not that I haven't needed it. Ya just don't take what Princess Celestia said to us and just shrug it off." She smiled. "I need ta be sober for tomorrow. As much as a part of me wished I wasn't."
"Tell me about it," Twilight snorted, pressing a forehoof on her window. "And you know I don't like being drunk. We all needed those naps and sedatives last night." She bit her bottom lip nervously. "As... much as I don't support sleeping aids."
Applejack giggled out a cackle that would've made Granny Smith proud. Twilight found it adorable. "Shoot, Twi', I don't either. But I'll tell ya right here and now: If Fluttershy hadn't found those pills none of us would've slept last night."
She pondered her statement, shaking her head. "I hope ta never say again that druggin' me up was somethin' that I needed."
It was Twilight's turn to laugh. She leaned gently into Applejack for support, enjoying the warmth and firmness of her friend's frame. "And you know what's the worst part?" Twilight said, "I have a feeling that we are going to need it again. Maybe even in a couple of days."
Applejack closed her eyes and smiled, her blond mane bouncing with the movements of the locomotive. "Rarity and Rainbow were the only ones who didn't take any, and I just can't put it under my hoof why they didn't," she winked. "Well, I can tell ya that I'm feelin' the aftertaste of those pills. And that's comin' from me."
Twilight smirked. "Because after they read the letter they decided to see how many rounds they could go again and not kill each other?" She pressed a forehoof gently onto Applejack's shoulder. "That'd knock me out too. And I'm sure they had an aftertaste afterwards."
"Aww that's just nasty comin' out of yer mouth, Twilight. Buckin' nasty. " Twilight laughed as Applejack gagged loudly, falling over onto her side as Applejack looked down at her in fake disgust. "What have we done to ya, Twi'?"
"Thank you," Twilight giggled, "I'll be here all day, and I've always been a fan of dry and properly applied dirty humor."
Her tail flicked contently on the train bench as she let out a stress relieving sigh. "And maybe I'm still hungover. No, I still am, so I guess my filter is a bit looser than it should be. Not to mention I need to do anything I can not to have a panic attack. The last thing we need is me having a parasprite level breakdown."
Applejack nodded gently, resting a forehoof on Twilight's coat. Her hoof moved slowly through Twilight's violet fur, petting her softly. "Oh don't you worry about that," Applejack chuckled. "One of us is gonna have one soon enough. If the last two days have taught me anything, it's that SNABU is standard procedure for us. Besides, I hang around Rainbow all the time; you think a bit of swearin's gonna hurt my pretty ears?" She ruffled Twilight's mane affectionately. "Sounds cute comin' from you."
What came out of Twilight's muzzle could only be called a gigglesnort. She clopped her forehooves together happily. "Glad you like me talking dirty, Applejack. I'll do it more, just for you."
Applejack's bellowing laughter threw off her balance. She fell onto Twilight's bench holding her stomach, Twilight rolling her eyes at her friend's hysterics. "And that pretty much sums up what we get ourselves into," Twilight said, "and yes, I know what it stands for. I grew up around the Royal Guards, remember?" She prodded Applejack with a hind leg, unable to hide the smile across her muzzle at her friend's content coo of delight.
"It's why I said it," Applejack winked, sighing in sedation. "Oh Gaia I needed that so much, Twilight. Thanks, girl. I'll be a good date to ya next time if we survive through all of this."
"We talked about this already, Applejack." Twilight yanked on Applejack's tail with a faint thrum of magic, enjoying how she could abuse her friend's tail-wrap freed hair.
She smiled sweetly. "If Celestia doesn't chemically castrate us, I'd really enjoy going on a thirty percent sane date with you."
"How about ya don't go that far down in the trenches and we'll settle on explainin' things to her and bein' reasonable adults?" Applejack rested her tail over Twilight's cutie mark, letting the wild wheat cover her flank. "I think this sleepin' 'n laughin' has made me optimistic again. Hay, we've tamed Discord, and it's not like he knows about any of this. What's the worst that can happen?"
Twilight's expression changed instantly.
The first two statements Applejack said were absolutely correct. She felt significantly better at having slept more than she could remember. And if the Elements could reform Discord, explaining to Celestia and Cadance that they were exploring free love shouldn't be too hard of a task in comparison. Yes, they were all quite dysfunctional and different, but they had pulled through Tartarus and back together. They could always use Rainbow's ex relationships with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie as a shining example of how their friendships weren't in jeopardy if they gave intimacy a shot and it didn't work.
She was truly glad she had Applejack as a friend. Applejack's reasoning could add to Twilight's own logic and give her a different perspective. She was eternally grateful. The addition of Applejack being mostly rational - except when Rainbow was around her - and bluntly honest like Twilight herself was only making Twilight more eager to try something a bit more intimate with time.
But then Applejack just had to even bring up the simple possibility of Discord knowing about what they had done two nights ago.
It took Applejack a few seconds to register what she had said.
"He doesn't know, Twi'," Applejack nervously chuckled. She leaned forward to gently pet Twilight's muzzle. "Just-"
"I could go on explaining how much pressure a ponies body can take, but I won't. Applejack, we're going to end this conversation and go check up on the girls, before I'm tempted to show you what a thousand times normal gravity can do to you."
Twilight said the threat in such a casual manner that Applejack wasn't even that scared; it was simply Twilight venting the heart stopping stress of Discord laughing at the misadventures the six mares had recently done, and the delight of watching them explain themselves to Celestia and Cadance. It didn't matter that he was now moderately friendly and not bent on warping Equestria. In the end, a bit of chaos was still in his name.
And the chaos and cheap shots he could make would satisfy him for days.
Twilight looked up at Applejack as if she had been complemented. The closed eyed, gentle smile of peace over her muzzle was followed by a faint giggle. "Come on," she said gently, standing up, "let's see what they are up too."
Applejack smiled back, heaving herself up onto her hooves. She too had begun to forget the incident quickly. It was for the best. "Most likely not sleepin' since it's already midafternoon. I fancy our laughs didn't hurt on keepin' them asleep either."
"I think all of us have loud laughs," Twilight chuckled, flicking her tail across Applejack's nose as she trotted toward toward the sleeper car. "And we all need to talk about that letter anyways. We've all been too passed out to discuss it. No time like the present!" she chirped.
Twilight made one final glance at Applejack, her violet eye promising a quick death at the simple thought of the recently mentioned deity.
"We need to plan on what we're gonna say anyways," Applejack nodded, cantering herself in place behind Twilight. "I think she was just panicked writin' it. She'll be cooler once we're in front of her."
Applejack swore she was thinking about some creature just a minute ago. She came up blank.
If it was important or deadly, she'd remember it later.
Shining Armor was having a pretty decent day. When Cadance's or his own magic wasn't being suckled on by some deity Tartarus bent on taking over the world, it was usually a pretty decent day. He wasn't a huge fan of his wife being used as a political pawn for ancient evil.
However, he could see why that was the case often. She was incredibly attractive and kinky, not to mention ascended royalty and blessed to be the avatar of love and compassion. Villains were usually attracted to the former two traits, even if they denied it. He'd be lying to three parts of himself if he wasn't attracted to them either.
Except when she got out the whips. He wasn’t really a fan of whips. He had enough memories of his drill sergeants over ten years ago. Then again, there were colts who had it a lot worse than him.
He was the youngest Lieutenant Colonel in Equestrian history, thanks to Princess Luna pulling - or more accurately screaming at - some strings once he became a prince. He had married into royalty, was Captain of the Royal Guard in Canterlot, and helped rule a province with several hundred thousand ponies. He had his own palace, a wife of super model level beauty, and if he had to admit it, he’d consider himself extremely attractive as well. If all of this involved physical torture from the wife every now and then, he was doing alright with his life.
Shining Armor stood on the highest balcony of the Crystal Citadel, his eyes extending over the capital and the budding changes that were taking place. There was infrastructure to rebuild, an economy that needed to be restarted, and a battalion that he needed to train from nearly the ground up. He was just shy of thirty, and he had responsibilities that ponies fifteen years his senior didn’t have. It didn't matter though. Because in the end he enjoyed it all, and what he could do to make the life of the ponies around him better, he would.
As the morning sun moved across the sky and the afternoon turned into the early evening, Shining Armor was about to call his work for the day mostly complete. Perhaps a quick glance at the training report of the Adamant Guard, and he'd call the rest of the night his own to do as he wished. He didn't think about what he'd do. He thought enough most of the time. If he wanted to sit in his chambers, crack open a beer and watch television, who was going to stop him? He had earned his keep in life. That included his rest.
"Shining, I need to talk to you! I... I need your help!"
His wife could stop him. He couldn't let his wifey suffer. Helping the wife was a good way to have an active sex life. Honor had its perks.
He turned himself around to look into the stressed eyes of Cadance, pleading at him for his attention. "What is it?" he said cautiously. "Is it something that the guards should get involved in?"
She shook her head. "N-no, nothing like that. We need to talk in private, but we're not in danger. I... think."
He took a step forward, raising an eyebrow. "You think? Hun, we've both had enough of it in the last year; don't be cryptic about it. You know we can handle it together."
Cadance sighed loudly, her horn flaring to life. It took only a second for her blue magic to encircle them, pulling them from the balcony with a crackle of energy and teleporting them to their bedchambers.
Shining Armor glanced around at the lush and large suite around him, returning to look at Cadance with a dry chuckle. "You could've just asked, and I think I'm the one in danger around you when you get like this. Can I get-"
"It's not that!" she shouted, pacing around the room. His ears wilted at the sudden volume of her voice, causing him to wince at the faint ringing in his ears. "But it's... related to that."
"You're pregnant!" He galloped forward to place his forehooves on her shoulders. "Just because it's a few years earlier that we wanted doesn't mean you need to take extreme measures, Cadance. Although I... thought our magic was kind of... working to stop that from happening."
"I'm not having a foal or getting rid of one!" She growled quietly at Shining Armor, trotting over to the bedroom mirror.
She stared at her reflection, glancing at the confused look of her husband mouthing to himself incoherently. "I... Remember how I got out of bed two nights ago and you didn't see me until afternoon?"
He nodded slowly. "You sleep well most of the time, and I thought that there was business you needed to attend too, or that something was on your mind." He chuckled. "We don't have to share every thought and concern with each other, and if you needed my advice, you'd come to me."
Cadance turned around to eye Shining quizzically, her expression quickly turning into a scowl. "I have to wonder what Luna knows about your dreams, Shining."
"Whoa, whoa," he said, throwing his forehooves above his head, "when did this become about me? And you know we've talked about this. You can't use your magic of love and then say I can't think back on the officer cadet days. I got five mares worth of love to give, and they all happen to be for you."
"And ten colts," she chuckled quietly.
Shining Armor blushed furiously, averting his gaze. "What do you think happens when three hundred eighteen year old colts are put together and there's maybe ten mares? I don't think either of us can say we didn't gallop through the tail trails in our youth. Both of them."
She smiled for the first time that day, watching his ruby splashed muzzle smile back.
"There," Shining chuckled, "now you've humiliated me, teleported me, and won't tell me what's going on. Aren't I a good stallion?"
"You passed your sarcasm to Twilight," Cadance said, shaking her muzzle, "and... she's what's concerning me."
His expression changed instantly. Shining Armor galloped forward to press his forehooves firmly onto Cadance's shoulders. "What's wrong with Twilight!? Was she-"
"The Elements of Harmony had sex two nights ago. That's what woke me in the middle of the night. I could feel their love from here!"
Shining Armor looked down at his wife, his snout going through a tsunami of emotions. He backed away slowly, sitting down on his rump. He settled on being perplexed. "So... that's what you've been worried about?"
"What do you mean that?" Cadance spat. "Don't you realize what this means!?"
"I sure do!" He laughed happily, clopping his forehooves onto the floor. "Twily finally had her mare bell rung with the help of her marefriends. Go Twily!"
Cadance's mouth opened wide. "You're... okay with that!?"
Shining Armor laughed once more. "Of course I am! She's twenty now, Cadance; she's not little anymore. And her best friends helped her? How could I not support that? And for you to feel it?" He shook his snout, snorting in amusement. "She's taken that playbook from both of us. Hundred bits none of them could walk the day after."
"I..." Cadance sat down on her own flank, groaning out in frustration. "I would say all stallions think alike-"
"-but you know that mares do too," he cackled, falling over onto his back. "Hun, I can't believe you think that I'd be against Twilight having fun! You really need to relax. I might be protective of her, but it's time for her to enjoy what we did back then."
Shining Armor wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling Cadance toward his side. "It'll make them closer friends, and it'll help her explore herself. She's grown a lot since going to Ponyville. Just let it go. She's on her own now."
Cadance's wings wilted by the side of her frame. "There's more," she said, looking up at Shining.
He sighed loudly, giving her frame a gentle squeeze. "I'm not going to panic this time. Hun, can you just tell me in the future to brace myself for news like this? Or at least not teleport me first?"
"She..." Cadance bit her bottom lip. "She wasn't satisfied by it. You know I can only feel vague feelings, and while most of them were..."
"Milked?"
"Milked," Cadance blushed, "it... it didn't feel like she was. At least like her friends. It was so overpowering for the rest of them, but for her, it didn't feel... right."
Shining Armor waved a hoof dismissively. "She was nervous about it. She's that kind of gal. Give it a week. You know as well as I do that the first time isn't what it's always cracked up to be either."
Cadance exhaled gently. "You're probably right." She wrapped a wing around Shining's frame, kissing him on the lips. "I was just so paranoid about her that I guess I acted like a foal-sitter again, didn't I?"
"You did," he said. "You have every right to be concerned about her emotionally, Cadance."
Shining stroked through Cadance's mane affectionately. "The Elements of Harmony are ponies too. Just like we are. If there's anypony out there who I'd want Twilight to explore herself with, it's them." He prodded her playfully on the nose. "That'd also explain the stain between the sheets two nights ago."
"It's not my fault that love and lovemaking go together!" she huffed, shoving Shining. His massive frame didn't budge an inch from her push. He fell over regardless, laughing at the blush spreading across Cadance's muzzle. "I sent a letter to Luna to not tell Celestia until we talked to them about it, and requested for them to come here. I don't think Celestia would laugh it off like you are."
Shining's horn flared to life, his magic encircling the two of them. With a pop of energy, his magic warped them toward their bed. He simply smiled at Cadance's confusion. "Revenge teleport."
Cadance shoved Shining once again, only for him to gently wrap his forehooves around her back, pulling her on top of him. "Good thinking though," he continued. "Princess Luna would've known by now anyways, and the last thing we need is Celestia concerned about Twilight and her hay life. If we're bad..."
She shook her head, laying down contently on top of Shining Armor. "She'd react like the time her lava cake was burnt on Twilight's thirteenth birthday."
He winced at the memory. It was almost as bad as boot camp. "That... would be bad."
"Very bad. But you're right: Luna and I have it taken care of." She smiled down at him, giving his nose a playful nip. "Thank you, Shining. I wrote that letter as quickly as I could, and Luna calmed me down. I woke up paranoid about telling you. I thought you might be like Celestia with Twilight."
"You kidding, Caddy?" Shining squeezed her back. "You have this under control, and my sister had the time of her life."
"And I owe you the time of your life for helping me." Cadance grinned, shuffling herself on top of Shining Armor.
Honor had its perks, and how could he say no?
He couldn't really. She'd get out the whip if he did. He would rather be in control while he still could be.
Shining Armor folded his forehooves behind his muzzle, smiling widely at Cadance. "Besides, Luna's legendary at keeping secrets. What's the worst that could happen?"
Celestia and Luna were having a wonderful late afternoon together.
With the sun beginning its slow crawl over the horizon, Luna and Celestia were catching up on both political and non-political news. Resting contentedly in Luna's quietly lit chambers and her large bed, they enjoyed their managerial discussions of the tens of millions of ponies and other creatures in Equestria that they were appointed to rule over.
Or the empire they carved out with blood, spear, fireball, crossbow and trebuchet two thousand years ago. Those were the days. Luna was saddened ponies didn't like talking about that epoch in Equestrian history. They were fun!
Minus the dying loved ones part. She wasn't a fan of that.
Making her foes die for their ruler made up for it though. And die they did. For those who sought battle in the night with her armies faced only their own screams of death. The 2nd Legion Night Stalkers were only a shadow of what they once were.
Still, peace had its perks. Most of them were good.
It was a common misconception and modern myth that Luna couldn't bear the sunlight, or that it would be lethal to her. It was a silly myth. It was just relatively convenient for the 'mistress of the night' - a silly but apt title - to be burning the midnight oil. She only needed a few hours of sleep - or meditative rest if she was required to do so at night - a day to function, and choose the peak hours of sunlight to sleep. It was kind of her job to be awake at night.
In addition to managing and advising Equestria's spy networks, research and development, special forces, infrastructure, education, trade, labor unions, culture, and head of the Equestrian Senate. Protecting her subjects from inter-dimensional demons during their sleep was another important duty. She had a lot of free time.
She did really. It was the reason she enjoyed modern bureaucracies. They were better than the old feudal government at doing things for her.
It saddened her she couldn’t publicly execute corrupt nobles and bureaucrats anymore though. Not ‘ethical’ anymore, according to Celestia. Those were the days.
Celestia didn’t say anything about threatening them with private torture though, but it was not quite as fun. Surelythe Princesses didn't torture ponies who were not pure hearted. Right?
The unanswerable was a wonderful tool for fear. She was a grand master without peer in the art. Time did naught rust that blade.
"I still can not believe the voracious appetite industry has," Luna said. There were dozens of documents, graphs, spreadsheets and charts spread over her bed. She was still getting used to how much ponies liked their damn paperwork.
"But you must admit, Luna, that it's better than managing the wheat trade back in the Old Empire," Celestia said. "The advantages airships and modern trade ships have over those old galleys!"
"Ahh, the days when food was not promised to be good, or on time, or even there at all." Luna smiled up at Celestia, patting her side. "You might help grow the crops but you can't help them afterwards, now can you? Tell me: Is Gaia less antsy in heat or is the doe still causing mud slides and ruining crops because she was left dry by Titan?"
Celestia gasped, her eyes turning sharply toward Luna's own. "Luna! I thought you've left those grudges behind you?"
Luna snorted in amusement. "I have. But it's her fault the 17th Legion was wiped out in the Tchernobog Forests during the Iron Wars. That deer can choke on Sleipnir's hammer for all I care."
Celestia raised an eyebrow, the scowl on her snout growing. "And Neptune didn't seduce you as the 3rd Fleet was destroyed in the Mareasa Sea during the war with Anubis?"
"Have you smelled him? He smells like the most beautiful beach in Ungulia! I was young and restless." Luna huffed loudly, blowing out a plume of air from the end of her muzzle. She gave Celestia's flank a slap with her tail. "I promise you: His claims of 'flooding my ocean' were wrong. He rarely performed without him always getting his way after the first year."
Luna's cobalt eyes stared down Celestia's. "As if you and Epona didn't spend several decades 'fertilizing' your fields. Hah! You two could barely fly by the time you were done with each other. I had to manage the fiefdom when you were passed out and high off of mushrooms."
Celestia's white cheeks turned a blaring red at the memories, looking away from Luna as she broke out into belly shaking hysterics. "S-She was very talented with her hooves. It wasn't my fault either!"
"Not your fault at all," Luna tittered, leaning into Celestia's side. "Oh goodness our youths! Thank Destiny and Time that our mortal loved ones don't think of those myths as true."
With a nervous chuckle, Celestia gave Luna a soft hug. "Y-yes, because otherwise what we did with Sleipnir would ruin us both."
The Princesses blushed a blaring pink in unison, finding the rest of the room suddenly extremely fascinating. The less that was said about their teenage years and brother, the better. Two hundred years of being in their teens involved a lot of regrets. And fun times.
Their parents hated all two dozen of their offspring equally.
Luna glanced over at Celestia, scoffing at the bed idly. "H-h-how's brother?" she whispered.
"Fine," Celestia whispered back. "Epona and him have been together for six hundred years. Three children too. Very happy."
"I see." Luna glanced over at her sister once more. "Is he still-"
"Hammer is as big as ever," Celestia smiled faintly. "N-n-not that I've done anything with him! How silly! You know stallions. Catch them at the worst times."
With a swirling pomf of crackling magic, a dark blue scroll popped into existence in front of Luna, landing gracefully in front of her forehooves.
She smiled politely up at Celestia, the three thousand year old sisters nodding their heads silently to one another. "A good note to change the subject, and a high security scroll too," Luna said. She opened the scroll, her eyes scanning down the words.
"Anything I need to know about?" Celestia asked. "Espionage is dirty-"
"Are you calling me dirty, sister?" Luna snapped, her eyes staring a sub-atomic death on the scroll as if it was Celestia. "I'm sorry I'm kinkier than-"
"Why is that letter signed in my name and yet addressed to you?"
Luna's eyes slowly rolled down the page once again. "I-it was an agent saying they were honored to serve us. He was killed by-"
"Than why are you stuttering?"
Luna turned her muzzle to look into the pink vortex of her sister's eyes. They shimmered with interest, and yet a calm anger at being lied to without due cause dotted them as well.
There were plenty of reasons why people did not engage in subterfuge with Luna. She was the greatest spymaster, word whisperer, secret keeper and puppet master the world had ever seen. She had spun wars to her favor, manipulated trade, stopped conflicts, gained countless treasures, and saved thousands of lives when war was common place. During her prime, the Shadowmares' knew all.
And yet, Luna's poker face for the first time in a long time, cracked.
She tried her best to recover. "It saddens me ponies used to-"
"Give me the letter, Luna." Celestia gave no ground.
She did as she was requested, and prepared for the worst. It was times like this she was glad to be back from the moon. She was going to be needed very shortly.
Celestia held the letter in the faintest thrum barely visible magic, her eyes taking their time to read every letter, to digest every bit of information being presented to her.
Luna inhaled and exhaled mentally, forcing herself into a mental trance that she knew all too well that she would need to be in if the world wasn't going to boil over. Her sister always overreacted at what she considered to be dreadful news that struck an emotional chord with her.
And Luna was right. Celestia put the letter down gently on the bed, her eyes swirling from a calm pink to a bubbling orange of the sun seen from only a million miles away. "We are going to see Cadance. Now."
"You're overreacting," Luna said, patting Celestia's neck. "I-"
"I am not overreacting!"
The room cracked with the solar roar of Celestia's rarely used regal voice. It hissed thorough the air like boiling steam and crackling napalm having intercourse over a lava flow.
Luna wanted to reply. Or at least inform the guards bursting through the door that she had everything under control. She did. Relatively speaking.
Instead, both of the regents of Equestria vanished from Luna's bed in a hellfire of furious heat, completely ruining the Nickernese silk on Luna's bed.
She would miss it. Once she kept the Crystal Citadel from not getting hit by a ion cannon from the sky.
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Alcohol, Alicorns, and Airships
Chapter Two: Hangovers, Heroes and Horoscopes
Applejack was not surprised to see the other four Elements of Harmony awake. There was only so much sleeping a pony could do, even if they wanted to sleep more.
Still, they were in no shape to save the world after their rest, and she was nearly certain that they would fail if they were asked to heed that call. They were that out of hero juices. In addition to several other flavors of juices.
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy were quietly talking amongst themselves, fatigue and stress pushed to the corners of their minds for as long as it could be shoved there. Considering their multiple failures at controlling themselves recently, it was very unlikely it would last.
Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were content to be in their own sleeping bunks. Rarity and Rainbow on the other hoof had huddled into Rarity's bunk, which was directly below Rainbow's. It was very convenient for it to be big enough for two ponies who didn't mind sharing some personal space.
Rarity seemed to be enjoying her pegasus mattress. With her back pushed against the bunk she half sprawled on top of Rainbow, her forehooves hanging over Dash's side as if the she was a stack of pillows for Rarity to claim. She idly stroked a hoof through Rainbow's ponytail, and Dash was doing nothing to stop her. Rainbow didn't seem to mind the additional weight and warmth on top of her either, content to lay on her side and stick her hooves out lazily.
Applejack and Twilight walked forward toward their friends until Twilight stopped to look at Rainbow and Rarity. A soft smile spreading across her muzzle. "Despite being slightly hungover, stressed, concerned about our lives and perhaps sexually frustrated, I'm really proud of you two becoming friends with benefits."
"Twilight!" Applejack gave Twilight a gentle shove. "Let them decide what they want to call themselves. Now say yer sorry, girl, or we aren't gonna go out on a date when you aren't about ta have a stroke."
"It's alright, Applejack," Rarity said. "Twilight, you are stressed more than I can imagine, dear. You have every reason to be after what happened and what didn't happen at the club." Rarity smiled up at Twilight, giving her hoof a supportive squeeze. "If any of us should be having a panic attack, it's you. Not that... I'm not tempted to have one myself. I would, but I'm awfully comfy on top of Dash."
"Please don't have one," Rainbow Dash said, her snout turning to look at Rarity. "Because that'll mean I'll get hit in the face by a flailing hoof. And as much as I like your hoof on places, my eye isn't one of them."
Pinkie huffed dismissively. "But you all had to drop things in my eyes that night! They still itch. And my Pinkie Sense tells me it's only going to happen again." She sighed tiredly. "Running gags aren't always fun."
Applejack ruffled through Pinkie Pie's curled mane, heaving herself up onto her own bunk. "As much trouble as that club has caused us, I'd say we had fun gaggin' each other the mornin' after, Pinkie." She blushed once she laid down on her mattress. "I say it was worth it."
"Does that mean you and Twilight are going to go out on a date, Applejack?" Fluttershy's wings flickered with excitement. "You two would make the cutest couple!"
"Twi' an' I are gonna try a real date," Applejack nodded. "That means no grass, no alcohol-"
"When did I say no alcohol?" Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I stand corrected," Applejack bowed. "No non- Apple alcohol."
Twilight giggled. "I can live with that. We'll talk about the gags on the third date."
"Oh great , so now I have to hear about you guys and gags?" Dash dry heaved, burying her snout into her pillow. "I can't get the images out of my head! And my head has some messed up things in there."
Twilight laughed heartily as she teleported herself up onto her bunk, kicking her hind legs into the air. "Why do you girls keep on making me laugh when I'm trying to be serious?"
"Because a true true friend helps a friend in need," Fluttershy said. "Just like you made me not want to scream at them for waking us up in the middle of the morning, Twilight. You four were very... vocal."
Twilight nodded. "Fluttershy and I had to hear you four two nights ago, and we had to hear you all day being yourself and flirting with us, Dash. How does it feel to have images you don't want in your head in there?"
"Mmm," Pinkie moaned loudly, stroking down her chest as she looked up at Applejack. She slowly licked over her lips, growling in excitement. "Next time I should show Applejack my jawbreaker toys. With melted candy centers too. Bite hard enough screaming and-"
"Make it stop!" Rainbow cried, covering her ears at the laughter bursting around her. "I can't make the pictures go away! It's evenworse ' cause I know exactly what's she's talking about and we've used them before!"
"There, there, Dashie dear." Rarity cooed quietly into Rainbow's ear, stroking down her side firmly. "I give you permission to be gagged by Pinkie Pie and Applejack; as long as I get to watch, of course."
Rainbow's cheeks turned dangerously close to Pinkie's native color. Her eyes turned into dots as she pushed her snout into her own neck, half choking on her own breath. "W-w-what!?"
"I know where to massage her too," Fluttershy hummed, clopping her forehooves together. "I learned where you can make her melt in Flight School."
"Fluttershy!" Dash hide her muzzle underneath her pillow.
Twilight sighed contently, collapsing onto her bunk. "This is what happens to us when we drink: We get the urge to make Rainbow's life miserable and we shrug off our impending deaths from Celestia. I can see why Berry Punch and Cherrliee drink."
"I think you meant 'this is what happens to us when we don't have foals around us'," Applejack chuckled.
Twilight shrugged. Maybe turning twenty was the downfall of her innocence. She could have lost worse things. She was struggling to come up with anything that didn't involve death, dismemberment or psychological torture.
"And speaking of Rainbow Dash." Twilight tapped her hooves contently on her wooden bunk, her eyes looking down her mentally broken friend. "I'll hold her down with my magic and tease her until she starts sobbing for us to stop." She grinned deviously to her equally grinning peers.
Except for Rainbow Dash, who was pouting and pleading for mercy in a manner that at another time would have made Rarity slightly proud.
Currently, it was to no avail for Rainbow.
"I can't let you four have all the fun," Twilight giggled. "You need someone who can write all of this down for future studying."
Twilight sat up, blinking at her own words. "Wow . And I'm trying to pull the moral high ground. Guess I really can't now, can I?"
"Ehh," Pinkie shrugged. "I was innocent once too, but then I realized it's more fun having no filter around you girls! It's so fun saying what would get me arrested if I said it in front of children!" She leaped forward to pinch Rainbow's cheeks firmly, letting out incoherent sounds of delight. "Who's a good pet pony for us!?"
"Screw all of you," Rainbow snapped, hiding her snout behind her tail for extra protection. "Yeah. That." Her hiding wasn't working.
"You see here?" Rarity huffed, pointing at Rainbow, "she admits that she would like all of us at once. Up until about the ten minute mark. I'm not sure she can handle us as much as she thinks she can."
"That's it!" Rainbow shoved Rarity onto her back. She locked Rarity's hind legs in place with her toned thighs, dragging her forehooves rapidly down Rarity's legs. "Tickle time!"
Any coherent protest Rarity attempted to make was replaced by her high pitched squealing. She tried to roll away or cast a spell, but every time she did, Rainbow continued her onslaught, her left wing flicking over Rarity's horn to destroy her concentration.
The other four Elements looked at each other as Rainbow and Rarity laughed themselves raw, Rarity soon enough getting parting shots at Rainbow's wings in revenge. It only sent Dash giggling onto her back as her wings were tickled without mercy.
"I... I'm not sure I can handle this amount of cute," Applejack said. She looked at Pinkie Pie, a frown spreading across her muzzle. "If I ever get that cute, I want you to deck me in the jaw."
Pinkie winced in pain. "Can we not talk about my muzzle today?"
"Did I hurt you that badly kissing you, Pinkie Pie?" Fluttershy's ears and wings hung limp. "I'm sorry. Rainbow Dash told me in Flight School that when I get going I can be a really rough kisser."
"I... think she's implying what Applejack did to her instead that night," Twilight chuckled. "It was a bit extreme hitting her two nights ago, Applejack. Even if she was talking about your mother and we were all drunk."
Twilight's horn hummed to life, dragging a wave of magic through Applejack's unhinged blond mane. No longer tied down from their pre-party hair treatment at Lotus and Aloe's spa, it cascaded everywhere with one long thrum of Twilight's horn. "But I'm sure Pinkie got her revenge on you that night."
"I thought we said no more talking about my jaw?" Pinkie whimpered, returning to her bed to bury herself underneath her sheets. "There's only so much Apple I can take!"
Applejack polished her forehoof on the side of her bunk. "What can I say? She's good with pink pies, and I'm not sure that was revenge. If it was, revenge ain't half bad."
Twilight snorted in amusement. "Looks like you pun ished each other from what you told us the morning after then."
Silence filled the train car.
All five of Twilight's friends turned to look at her. Twilight blinked, shuffling in place at the attention directed at her.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, Twilight!" Fluttershy scowled, her wings flaring in anger. "How could you even think something like that would be funny?"
"Dreadful," Rarity spat, shaking her snout in disgust. "You deserve every bit of Fluttershy's scolding."
Twilight threw her forehooves above her muzzle. "That's the pun that crosses the line? Out of everything Rainbow's ever said?"
"Yeah, because I'm not that unoriginal," Rainbow smirked.
"Well I hope you two enjoyed your morning aftertaste for the last two days, Rainbow Dash." Twilight grinned, nodding toward Applejack.
Rainbow perked up her ears, letting Rarity go from her grasp. "Hay yes I did! I mean-"
Rarity shoved her forehoof into Rainbow's muzzle, her cheeks turning a glowing pink alongside her pearl colored fur. "I have excellent mouthwash from Germaney that-"
"Isn't it amazing that she really does taste of Skittles!?" Pinkie Pie burst from her covers to beam a glowing smile at Rarity, making her blush that much worse for wear. Rainbow and Twilight couldn't help but silently grin in dark amusement.
Rainbow pushed Rarity's forehoof out of her muzzle. "I would lick you clean later, Rares, but I'm out of it for several days. And what can I say?" Dash scoffed at her lean chest. "I come with a good flavor and am part of a complete balanced diet."
"And she comes with a work out video too," Applejack cackled, holding onto her stomach.
"Yours for only three easy payments of flank spanks, sloppy kisses and wing gropes!" Pinkie tittered. "Limited supplies! Call 1-800-DAT-DASH today!"
The Elements of Harmony broke out in united laughter, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow falling off of their bunks and onto the floor as they cried themselves raw.
"We're... we're supposed to be concerned about Celestia wanting to incinerate us, and my brother and Cadance disowning us." Twilight panted happily, holding onto her side. "Although now that I'm not as hungover as I was before, I might be over reacting. Again."
"Oh dear Twilight, I'm sure my reputation is completely ruined by the fight Rainbow and I had at Invictus." Rarity sighed peacefully, sinking into her mattress. "I don't think I've cursed that much in one day in my entire life. It'll get around soon enough."
Rainbow pressed a hind leg gently into Rarity's side. "I dunno. You did a lot of it in the morning after, and in the shower with me, and after we read the letter-"
"Hush, mare!" Rarity sputtered, slapping Rainbow across the face with a white sheet of glowing magic. It only made Rainbow's cries of hysteria that much louder.
"But you'll get a different clientele now, Rarity." Fluttershy leaned over her bunk, cooing in sedation. "You'll get all the sons and daughters of nobles who think you're cool now. They have money, and it'll mean you'll get to try new designs you never would be able to sell before." She winked. "Besides, I can always recommend my clients to you, and high ponies part with their bits very easily."
Applejack twirled a forehoof through her flowing blond mane. "I'm... I'm not sure if even you can be considered innocent anymore, Fluttershy."
"Damn her innocence!" Rarity neighed, "the mare's a bloody genius!"
Rarity stood up and leapt onto Twilight's bunk, inflating her chest heroically. "I get to make more sweater vests, windbreakers, sweatshirts and high end clothing for the youth. I get to truly break out of the mold and join a counter culture of rebellion against the norm, fighting against a noble monopoly on clothing!"
She stabbed a forehoof firmly into the air. "Nobles beware , for your children shall be the icons of fashion!"
"Hipsters," Pinkie Pie said venomously, growling like a dog spotting an intruder.
"But... hipsters are skin deep with their fashion. I... think." Rainbow scratched the base of her ponytail. "Not an expert on them; I'm a Power Metalhead."
"That only means I get to stay on top of the bleeding edge of fashion for the young and vigorous," Rarity said, gleaming in the early evening sun that reflected from the train windows. "It also means that they buy a lot of clothing, and as much as I love cornering the market with my wondrous prices, I enjoy making a profit as well. Allows me to give back to the community."
"So you mean ponies who think they can read one philosophy book and then think they know everything about the universe?" Twilight growled quietly, slapping her tail onto her bed with a loud crack. "I had to deal with enough of them at Canterlot, and if I had to go to Canterlot University I would have most likely been expelled for slapping too many of them."
Applejack looked around at her friends and the tension wafting through the air. She returned her gaze to Rainbow Dash, who was as perplexed as she was. "Are... are we arguin' about hipsters ? I thought we were concerned with Cadance and Shining Armor findin' out about us and thinkin' we did worse than sleepin' with each other."
"Hipsters are just hippies who smell better, have more money, and like to buy my weed because they feel like rebelling," Fluttershy huffed, folding her wings across her chest. "They aren't as nice as my hippy friends, but they also know how to grow cannabis really well. They are nice ponies. Even when they won't protest like I do. They do write wonderful books."
"Nice?" Pinkie hissed, "they never tip me! Ever. so picky about what they want in their desserts and shakes, and I can't make half the stuff they want! They always want the 'weird' candies that I can't get. I'm not some Baysium chocolate shop. And you know the worst part? Their jokes."
Twilight winched in spiritual agony. "Don't get me started on how they ruin irony and dry humor, Pinkie. They're the death of history."
Rainbow Dash pulled herself up to land on Applejack's bunk, eyeing her bickering friends. "This... isn't gonna end well." She shook her head, dragging a hoof across her muzzle. "And this might be the stupidest non-me argument we've ever had."
"Death of history?" Rarity gasped, pressing her muzzle into Twilight's. "Are you mad , mare? The artwork! The clothing! The music!"
"Abstract drug induced paint splatters, mass produced sweat shop garbage, and Marxist anarchist ramblings from rich cry babies." Twilight pressed her muzzle firmly back into Rarity's own. "You know it's true."
"Coming from the pony who's the daughter of the upper-middle class herself ," Fluttershy spat. Her wings flapped hard as she joined Rarity, pressing her muzzle into Twilight's. "You just don't want to fight the system like Rarity and me; you are the system, Twilight Slavele. Fall in line, don't scare the Princess, and obey. You want to know what Rarity and I think?"
She inhaled deeply from her nose, blowing out a plume of air into Twilight's snout. "Buck
"Okay, Flutters' is swearing, so I'm outta here before we all die," Rainbow whistled. She nosed Applejack firmly in the rump. "We should get out of here before this lightning storm hits. Lets go to the caboose, and no pun intended."
"Exactly, Fluttershy." Rarity said. "She's just jealous I'm extending my cultural knowledge to a group she can't understand. I think that marijuana has opened my eyes even more than I thought possible."
Twilight pulled onto Fluttershy's mane. "My family's been scholars for six generations, Fluttershy. And you go on with your 'rebellion'. Can't rebel when Equestria's a great place to live, can you? That system lets you do what you do, so leave my mentor out of this!"
"More like made you a sell out to conform, Rarity." Pinkie Pie tackled Rarity, staring her down. "I thought you wouldn't do that. Or did you... pussy out?"
Rarity dug her forehooves into Pinkie's curly coat, saliva shooting out of her muzzle. "You pudgy bitch!"
Applejack's eyes drifted between the screaming and shoving match that had erupted between her friends and Rainbow nosing her flank to push her toward the train's rear. "Uhh... should we... ya know... stop them?"
Rainbow stuck out her tongue. "As the resident mare who's kinda pissy all the time but you all know I'm eighty percent joking about it, it's just them trying not to think about what tomorrow's gonna bring. That little thing about our lives changing set them all off." She waved a forehoof dismissively through the air. "Don't worry about'em; they'll tire out quickly. They aren't in shape like we are."
"I suppose you're right," Applejack nodded, ruffling through Rainbow's mane. "Say, I got some whiskey hidden here. Now I'm not sayin' we get plastered or anythin', but just nip a bit and talk... not like them."
"Totally up for that," Rainbow said, hovering toward the caboose. "I mean, so what? We got high, drunk, Rarity and I had a huge fight and then ended up bucking, four of us did each other, Celestia found out, and she and Cadance want to talk to us. Big deal. We're the Elements of Harmony: We kick flank and are awesome by default!"
"And we'll keep on bein' awesome," Applejack smiled. "As long as... you don't make out with me again. For a third time. I do find it kinda funny you 'n I can talk about this stuff and not get angry at each other."
Rainbow crossed a forehoof over her chest. "You're my sister from a different mare, how can I get angry at you? You make good points sometimes. Kissing you two times is enough for me!"
Applejack jumped down from her bunk to follow Rainbow Dash, glancing one last time to watch the fisticuffs of Rarity, Pinkie, Twilight and Fluttershy kicking, screaming, biting and punching each other like four mares drunk in a bar fighting over a partner for the evening.
None of the Elements knew how that same scenario would repeat itself in the future once again. Including Applejack and Rainbow Dash making out.
Again.
And again.
Alcohol, Alicorns, and Airships
Chapter Three: Angry Alicorns Away!
Cadance couldn't help but smile as she watched the sun setting over the horizon. Twilight. That was what this time of day was called. It was also the name of a mare she was so worried about, and yet she just needed to let that worry go.
She turned her head to look at Shining Armor, resting in their plush bed and sleeping as if he had been knocked out by chloroform. Sex with her usually did that to most ponies. Shining did a very good job of doing that to her as well. Military stress and his peak physical conditioning added to his ability to push even her limits.
Cadance won a vast majority of the time though. Or were they both winners in the end? She'd go with the later.
She stood on the balcony of their master suite, her eyes staring off into the mountains and domains that she was proud to call her home. She was sedated from her recent coupling, and accepted what was going to happen tomorrow morning, come what may.
Shining was right: She needed to let go of her nanny and older sister instincts she had over Twilight and let her control her own life. Twilight was a young mare now. She had a job, saved Equestria - and Cadance's own life - numerous times over, had a group of extremely close friends and had matured extensively since Cadance last saw her. Twilight wasn't the reclusive shut-in who only focused on entirely being the Princess' pet anymore.
Thank Destiny and Fate for that. She doubted anypony in history could brown nose Celestia more than Twilight did as a foal. It always worked when Cadance said no to something. Twilight just went straight to Celestia, and got her wish.
When she thought about it more though, it was Celestia herself who recommended Twilight leave Canterlot and move to Ponyville. In the stress and heat of that wild night's chaos, Cadance had entirely forgotten about that bit of information. Luna had not.
It didn't matter though. She and Luna had it under control. Learn all of the details from the Elements of Harmony, offer advice from Cadance's own personal experiences, Celestia would be informed about it with some details added and moved about, and everything would be fine.
Celestia too, needed to accept that Twilight was an adult now, and that she would make mistakes and not always do things Celestia approved of. It was life. Twilight was ready to live it.
If that meant getting drunk and having parties with her best friends, it wasn't like Cadance could scold Twilight. She herself had done worse.
But eavesdropping was so much fun.
Cadance closed her eyes, letting out a peaceful sigh and venting as much stress as she could from her lungs. Her wings spread to let the tickling evening air dance over her feathers and add one more layer of faint pleasure to her body.
It would be alright. Everything would be alright. The Elements of Harmony were adults now. It was time to treat them as such.
As she opened her eyes, she couldn't help but notice a faint white orb far in the distance; it was very far in fact. It hung high in the sky and above the mountain ranges that helped protect the Crystal Citadel.
If she wasn't an alicorn and blessed with pegasus eyesight, she wouldn't have noticed it so soon. If she wasn't blessed with unicorn magic, she wouldn't have noticed the mana that trickled steadily from that burning light.
Both the brightness and ether trail that followed the light streaking closer toward her castle was beginning to agitate her. It wasn't a comet: It was too slow, but it was bright enough. It wasn't a phoenix either: It was too fast, but it was also as bright as one, if not brighter.
Whatever it was, she didn't like it, and it was coming directly for her.
Fast.
She should do something before it smashes into her fast.
It was visiting for a very different kind of jousting.
Cadance knew she was the only one in the Empire who could stop what was coming at her magically. She could stop an entire regiment for days with the divinely blessed defensive magicks she had learned. Offensively, she wasn't trained nearly to the capacity that Shining Armor was. With her raw power though, she could at least hold in stasis what was coming at her, if worst came to worst.
The object continued straight at her, her eardrums picking up the rising roar of that fireball flying toward her. She closed her eyes to concentrate on her spell casting.
That meteor sought only her. It was going to meet sixteen layers of overlapping shield matrixes, and fail.
Except that after Cadance quickly built the burning blue shield that formed a phalanx of armor in front of her, it was only three seconds later that her glowing half sphere of magic inconveniently suffered a catastrophic existence failure.
That was a first. It also wasn't good.
What hit her shields sounded like the worst dubstep pulse set on repeat, the frying of a bass amp, and a choir of insects chirping as one high pitched constant note into a poorly tuned microphone. It was all being played out on a horrible record player attached to a surround sound system that had its fifty adjustment knobs set to the radio static from the ninth level of Tartarus.
And that didn't include the train sized beam of polished pearl light that shot out from that demonic flaming orb from two miles away. It lite up half the city and slammed into her without mercy. It felt her she had to suddenly support the entire weight of her castle magically.
Cadance wouldn't even begin to let her mind think about the heat that was obliterating her shields. There was no word that could describe it, so she settled on very warm.
She didn't want to feel or hear any of it again.
And yet, it all relented the moment her shields collapsed after holding back that beam for only three seconds. The act of mercy spared her life and ears from the almost certain death she would have felt if it continued for a moment more.
Until she was burned to a crisp by a swirling orange tornado that wrapped around her body with a hellish roar.
Cadance was alive. She had literally just survived a baptism by fire.
She was not only still alive, but she felt all of her limbs intact. She couldn't feel any blood loss, or scars, wounds, or injuries of any type on her. That kind of heat and power could have turned the Crystal Citadel into slag in under a minute.
And yet, she was alive, with all senses saying she was normal, that she wasn't dead, and she was still up and ready to go.
Minus her magical reserves being completely gone, the adrenaline pumping through her body about to give out, and her bladder having let itself go at surviving a tower of napalm being shot at her. It was the least of her concerns.
"Cadance. "
She heard her name being called behind her, and the voice had her attention; being charred in an inferno and then having her life spared was a good way to get her attention.
But there was more to the fear that had made her wet herself, despite being thankful she had lived through that hellfire unharmed.
Never before had she heard her name uttered as if she were the genocidal version of Discord. As if she were the sole source that all woes in the world stemmed from. The voice had so many hidden layers of contempt, disgust, anger, and betrayal woven through it that it caused a part of her soul to die that evening. It had that much power in it. It had that much awe.
Her eyes adjusted to the light around her. She was still in her palace, dropped in the middle of a wide open corridor. She had been teleported. She was unharmed, although the air was uncomfortably warm around her. Nothing was broken. Nothing was out or place.
Except for that one voice behind her, calling her name.
"Cadance. "
She knew that voice. The fear it bored down her mind was one she didn't even know the once sweet voice was capable of.
Cadance felt more unsafe now than she had in her entire life. It was clear why her magic failed her before. She was proud she resisted for so long.
She put on her best poker face, and slowly turned her body around to look at the valkyrie of death. It was over now. Her life. Her game. Her existence was no longer in her hooves
Celestia, goddess of the solar winds, stared Cadance down.
Celestia's wings were fully flared, her eyes burning a plasma filled white that radiated excess heat from the corners of her glowing eyes.
On second glance, Cadance was very positive that fire had filled in most of the former mystical colors in Celestia's mane. It might have also been sparking off of her ruler's wings.
She was completely positive of that assumption now with a third take of Celestia's form. Celestia looked like a white dwarf star, and not the snuggly kind.
Her wings released a flare of energy, sending out a snapping hiss of heat that arced from one wing to the other. The sound that cracked through the air was the hydrogen around her getting excited for seeing its mistress once again.
Luna, directly beside Celestia, just seemed slightly annoyed compared to her relatively angry sister. It was as if Luna had not had her evening cup of coffee.
She hadn't yet. It was legitimately annoying more than anything else, including the current situation.
Luna looked just a bit antsy to Cadance. She looked pretty reasonable compared to Celestia, and unaffected by the heat coming from her sister's core. She was perturbed, but more like a mother about to give a firm talk to a daughter who had misbehaved.
Celestia looked like she was about to establish a dictatorship. Or go on campaign of what plasma does to everything when it's hot enough.
"Cadance. " Celestia repeated the name of the alicorn in question in the same vile tone as she had twice before.
She took a step forward with every word she spoke. "Princess Mi Amore Cadenza: Co-regent of the Crystal Empire; sole heir to the house of Sonata Arctica; avatar of Love, Fertility, Compassion, and my subject . Explain yourself and your deeds, before I bring you forth to the Council of Creation, strip you of all your titles and lands, remove your horn, and banish you from Equestria on the threat of death."
Cadance opened her muzzle, only to be silenced by the crack of Celestia's forehoof on the floor.
The ground underneath Celestia whined like boiling steam from the impact, hissing as it bubbled underneath the raw heat of Celestia's hoof. "Do not deny the charges! "
The walls resonated with an ancient voice so rarely heard in the modern era. It seemed as if the roar of a forest fire filled Cadance's ears, consuming all of her thoughts and smashing ever wall of defense she had.
Celestia knew. How could Cadance, a thirty year old pony, outsmart a three thousand year old demi-god? She couldn't.
What inferno burned in Cadance's ears cleared enough for her to speak and think. She could not bear to lie. The pain in her head would have been an agony she could not survive again.
"I couldn't help it!" she replied. Tears streamed down her cheeks. "My powers are not like yours; I can't just turn my abilities off whenever I want to. You can't feel how much love I felt that night. How much friendship, how much... arousal." Her ears wilted by the side of her muzzle. "You can't-"
Celestia's ancient voice cracked out of her throat like a bursting volcano. "Do not- "
Luna stepped forward, pressing a forehoof onto Celestia's shoulder, patting her in comfort. She walked between Cadance and Celestia, closing her eyes to take a deep breath.
She needed her damn coffee. How anypony who got used to coffee could live without it, she would never know. Breaking her fifty year poppy tea addiction wasn't as bad as coffee withdrawal.
"She is not angry about that."
"I most certainly-
Luna silenced Celestia with a dagger like glance from her cyan eyes, watching Celestia's anger flicker. A lash of fire crackled from Celestia's mane to her tail, followed by burning steam that jettisoned from her muzzle. It melted into Luna's mane without incident. Fire didn't like being in the vacuum of space without stimulation.
"It comes with who she is, sister." Luna said.
"What was I supposed to do?" Tears streaked down Cadance's muzzle, her wings deflating by the sides of her frame. "It was an emergency. They needed advice right away. I was panicked. I couldn't think clearly, and I knew they would listen to you, Celestia, more than me. If you told them to come to me, they'd listen."
"So you forged a letter in my
"The advice on it was pretty decent for such a quick response," Luna admitted, glancing up at Celestia. "And it's not like we wouldn't have done the same at her age, sister. You really must watch your long distance flight mood swings."
"That means nothing! " Celestia shoved aside Luna, closing the distance on Cadance quickly. "They are the Elements of Harmony, my student, my... daughter . You ungrateful-"
"Thou is screaming like a Prench peasant being raped by Germaney mercenaries!" Luna shot back, pressing her muzzle into Celestia's. "In, my, ear
What came out of Celestia's nose sounded like a volcano being vented through a tea kettle. "Be quiet you-"
Luna decked Celestia in the cheek.
Luna's fighting style back in the wars of yore was one of deception, confusion, and envelopment. It was Sleipnir, her brother, who went with shock and awe.
But it had been over one thousand years since she had punched something, and Celestia had never been one to engage in physical combat. She always went with ranged attacks or magic. Luna was a fan of getting close and dirty.
It was time Luna channeled just a pinch of the moon's eighty one quintillion metric tons of weight into something. And that time was now.
On Celestia's face.
One moment, Celestia was snout to snout with Luna. The next, she was twenty feet away from her, implanted in the castle wall. The crystal wall cracked, its foundation shaking from the impact and the furious bellow of solid gems giving way to an alicorn sized indentation now replacing what was formerly there. Shards of crystals splattered everywhere, and it was Luna's ebony force field around Cadance that prevented her from being impaled by razors of death. Not even the runic magic embedded in the foundation of Cadance's fortress could withstand the force of Luna's blow.
Luna was grinning like she had just won the lottery.
"That felt as good as my first orgasm after coming back from the moon!" she cheered, hugging Cadance like a mother finding their lost foal. "Oh I haven't done that since... I can't even remember! Most likely when I first started drinking coffee and she told me I needed to stop, and she began rationing it. Oh what a hypocritical hōra she can be, thinking I can not control my intake of that mystical nectar!"
Her wing wrapped around Cadance's body protectively, looking down at the shivering mare with a smile. "You know, I still don't forgive Epona for not telling me about coffee until the end of the First Empire. 'The sun never sets in the Equestrian Empire' they used to say. Well that was because Celestia drank more of it than I did!" she laughed. "Oh that silly mare, thinking she can out wit me and tell me what to do. How you little ponies would be enslaved by the dragons or griffins or have had to run off to the Ents if it wasn't for me planning in the shadows during those years. How she managed to keep this place from falling apart without me, I still don't know." She stroked her chin in thought. "Most likely cocaine."
Cadance shuffled in place. Her mind was dead, her magic gone, and one of her two rulers had just knocked the other one out in one punch. "W-w-what are you talking about?" she shivered. "What's going on? What did you do? I thought we-"
"Shh!" Luna hissed, bopping Cadance on the nose. "Say nothing. I have this under control. I just need half a gallon of coffee. I'll be alright. Sometimes Celestia just needs to be punched. Luckily, I'm the only sibling left who will do it." She grumbled. "Our brothers and sisters have grown soft."
Celestia was no longer on fire as she fell from the wall with a slight groan, her pinkish purple eyes opening slowly as they turned to look at Luna. "You've... always been the hōra, Luna," she coughed.
"Now, now, sister," Luna smiled confidently, "we agreed that when you are in heat, you are absolutely dreadful; I'm just open to ideas like Cadance is most of the time. You repress so much!"
What Cadance heard was not Equish, but Neightin. She knew only a little of the ancient language that few ponies could speak fluently, but there was no doubt that Celestia was replying to Luna in it as she pulled herself tiredly up on her hooves.
Cadance was positive anypony - or perhaps non-train sized mortal - would have turned that wall red from the impact that Celestia just seemed to be lightly bruised by.
"Do you feel better, Celestia?" Luna asked, tilting her muzzle to the side. "It must be relieving to swear freely. May we talk like adults now instead of you having one of your solar..." She looked toward the ceiling, filling the heavens beyond it with stars. "Ahh! Solar scittestorms?" Luna cackled. "Oh the modern language has come up with wonderful words!"
Celestia limped forward, flapping her wings to let out a few sparks of solar energy still stuck to them. Her eyes switched from atomic orange to pink rapidly to let out her last bit of her physical rage. "I'm listening," she said, her teeth grinding together.
Luna preened contently, letting out a cheerful nicker. "Good! Now, we were talking about the Elements of Harmony, us, and the letter." Celestia opened her mouth to comment, but Luna continued. "Yes, Cadance and I knew they coupled, naturally of course; she felt it during and I felt it afterwards. She got hasty, offered advice, signed in it in your name, and sent a copy to them and then me. Yes, she should have messaged me first, but it turned out to be a good plan regardless. She was right not telling you, considering how you have reacted so far."
"They could have been in danger," Celestia growled, shaking off the last bits of crystal stuck in her coat. "You know as well as I do it could have broken their friendships."
"Ahh, could haves are not did haves are they?" Luna hummed.
"This isn't time of your word games, Luna!" Celestia neighed, slamming a forehoof onto the ground. Fire trickled around her hoof, splintering the floor.
"And this isn't the time to mentally scar Cadance anymore than she already has been," Luna said, looking down at Cadance. "I think it's time you go rest, for a day if you can. I'm sure the fatigue of having no magic for a mare such as yourself must be devastating."
Cadance shook her head, leaning into Luna's side. "I-I-I can't leave. The people must be in a panic. Shining, the guards-"
Luna waved away the concerns with a wing. "A few sedatives, altered dreams, a delusion or two, and a few illusions saying it was a comet that nearly hit will take care of all of that."
"I-I-Is that ethical?" Cadance gasped.
"Absolutely not only unethical according to the recent Council of Creation treaties but illegal," Luna said. "And most likely it would result on sanctions on my assets, a mana limiter casted on me for some time, and maybe even a scolding from my parents."
She shrugged. "What they don't know they can't punish, for they have grown rusty following my trails."
Celestia's eyes bored into Luna's own, dueling pink and blue battling it out in another realm. "You already did, didn't you?" Celestia whispered.
Luna smiled innocently. "If it makes you both feel any better, Twilight is still a virgin. Her dreams were confusing since she was so stressed from her friends' antics. But I can assure you the only coupling going on in her dreams was her having to block out the thoughts of her friends doing what the Silver Shields did so well in the past."
"That would explain why she was left so unsatisfied." Cadance's eyes opened wide, "and they... they did it without her!?"
Celestia's eyes quivered, her hind legs barely able to support her weight. "The Elements of Harmony have... have..."
"Yes," Luna nodded. "And you would think with her being both a virgin, a bit on the heavier side, a curious mare and-"
Celestia stood up to her full height, inhaling sharply from her nose. She let out a gust of warm air from her mouth in an attempt to calm down, but it did nothing.
"Knock out Cadance."
Before Cadance knew it, she was swallowed by a twirling black sphere with swirls of dark purple enveloping her. As soon as the enemy of all light consumed her, Cadance was gone.
Luna smiled sweetly at her older sister. "You know that reversing what I've done is only going to cause mass panic. I accept what punishments our siblings may give to me."
Celestia trotted to stare blankly down an empty hallway, peering into the distant wall. "I won't tell them, on one condition," she said coldly.
"And that is?" Luna asked, flicking an ear. "I can help you find some living creature to-"
"To let me interrogate them when they meet us tomorrow morning," Celestia snapped.
She turned around, her pink eyes radiating as brightly as they could without changing color. "You think this is funny, don't you, Luna? I thought you cared about the Elements? They freed you. That you cared about me? "
"What ever made you think that I didn't?" Luna blinked. "I trusted Cadance's advice, which really was the basic 'mating changes emotions, talk to an elder about it, I know love, come to me, we'll have tea and I'm just a protective nanny' kind of prep talk."
Luna moved forward to press a forehoof gently onto Celestia's nose, letting a confident grin spread across her muzzle. "So I kept it from you to keep you from being... you , and made Cadance realize she needs to control her mortal impulses from time to time. And maybe, just maybe, have all three of us talk to them at once."
She shrugged. "I wasn't the one who attacked her, and I certainly could not have kept my own cool if I stopped that force and had to sedate the city, now could I? So it's just you and me, having to scare the Elements, instead of Cadance being with us to calm them down."
Celestia stood there, her eyebrows and cheeks twitching as Luna looked back at her like a kitten up at its owner.
"So I guess it's my fault you have temper problems, almost killed our niece, and now want to scream at the ponies who have saved both of us to vent your own sexual frustration." Luna's ears and wings went limp by her side. "I'm sorry, Celestia. Please punish me!"
The scream that Celestia let out was not of a nuclear fusion fueled rage, but of an older sister seeing their younger brother crashing a slumber party. The high pitched groan was followed by Princess Celestia encasing herself in a ball of white light, and vanishing from the hallway with a hiss of burning plasma.
Princess Luna, goddess of the lunar tides, squeed.
"Haza! I still have it! It never gets old frustrating her because I'm right! You can not out plan me, Celestia!"
She galloped in place in excitement. "Now time to find me some coffee!"
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Alcohol, Alicorns, and Airships
Chapter Four: Oh We Have To Get This Right...
Rarity had come to a conclusion that seemed obvious in hindsight: After a long night at the local hospital, some painkillers, and Applejack and Rainbow Dash laughing at them the whole time like the wonderful friends they were, the other four Elements of Harmony were lucky they had gone nearly four years without a hoof fight.
Rarity had absolutely dominated Twilight in the train brawl if she could say so herself, and she did. Twilight, with her temper, magic, and enough free space was a one mare whirlwind, but fighting the slightly pudgy librarian in a locker room melee was like clubbing a baby seal. Twilight was lucky she wasn't a seal too. Rarity hated seals. The bastards never shut up.
Twilight had little strength, flailed about, didn't know how to absorb blows, and despite knowing weak points, she couldn't exploit them due to not knowing how to control herself when the hooves flew. A knee to the kidney, a few side punches, and a head butt or three and she was out cold. It didn't help Rarity's father taught rugby and football.
Pinkie though...
Pinkie Pie fought Fluttershy and Rarity to a stalemate until all three of them collapsed. Fluttershy was a berserker with her teeth and wild swings. She was all offense: Slapping Pinkie with her wings; punching her in the face; biting her shoulders. Fluttershy went feral. Rarity herself tried to lean on the defensive side of things and use counter attacks, but that didn't work on Pinkie.
She just had too much fat on her, among other things.
Maybe it was Pinkie Pie channeling more repressed anger. Maybe it was her earth pony magic kicking in. Pinkie didn't have any physical training in fighting, and while being bouncy and agile in a manner of speaking, she was also on the husky side. Without room, she couldn't move in the manner Fluttershy or Rarity could. But by Nathan Fillyion's orgasmic voice could the mare take hits and could she throw!
Pinkie used her weight to hockey check, power drive, and throw Fluttershy and Rarity around in a manner Applejack would have been proud of. It took both of them pounding on Pinkie to wear her down, but by then all three of them had bruises and cuts and possible internal organ damage. By the end, they had resulted to pathetic slaps and nibbles. When the train had stopped and Rainbow and Applejack had returned, all four of them were gone for the count.
At least all of them had slept well. That was a consolation prize.
"You know," Rarity began, staring at the Crystal Citadel, "I think the last few days have demonstrated to me that we need to figure out new ways to get rid of our pent up stress. We will also never talk about that subject ever again."
Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight walked together down one of the main boulevards of the capital as if nothing had happened yesterday. It was for the best.
"I have a feeling that the next few weeks aren't going to be much better for us with stress either," Twilight said. "But I think at this point we need to accept this as the new normal. It'll take awhile for us to adjust to it."
"And therefore that makes it all the more prudent that we all find ways to vent properly," Rarity said firmly. "As I've tried many things recently, and none of them seem to be working."
Fluttershy rested a bruised wing on Rarity's back, smiling calmly at her. "My grass didn't help?"
"I... think it worked too well for Rarity," Twilight chuckled.
Twilight glanced at her bruised peers, who looked far more worse for wear than herself.
Twilight just looked like she had fallen down a flight of stairs. Fluttershy had a wing in a sling, and her chest was covered in bruises. Rarity's forehooves and sides were gently wrapped in bandages to numb her wounds. Pinkie Pie was simply naked, but her eyes were swollen, she limped just a bit, and her stomach was drenched with bruises and slightly bloated from all the hits it had taken.
Rarity trotted harder on the polished roadway, letting out a nervous chuckle at the chosen subject. "Y-yes. It worked marvelously , in addition to making me ramble about secrets I never wanted to let out. So we'll pass on that option. Until I need it again."
"Well you can't take it back now," Pinkie giggled, cantering in delight. "You're an evil date planner who might be a succubus in bed, which is what Dash needs anyways. You also can get as angry as she can, and you bump your heads all the time and won't back down until one of you proves that you're right. It's like you were made for each other!"
Rarity stared blankly at Pinkie Pie, her eyes turning into half open slits of sub-zero death. "Sod off."
"Speaking of that," Twilight smirked, "that seemed to work pretty well at making you relax, Rarity. Why don't you try that more?"
The death glare that Twilight received from Rarity only made Twilight snort loudly in amusement, making the smile across her muzzle grow. "And while beating each other up worked to a degree, I don't think the four of us are meant for it. However, I think we might need to practice on our life or death fighting techniques. Just in case we need to use them."
"I don't," Pinkie's right hind leg scratched at her side, attempting to remove a flea that wasn't there. "I lost count on how many times I was hit. I didn't know that I liked being violent and hit so much though! It's so much fun beating ponies up. Dashie and Jackie were right!"
"I worry about you sometimes, Pinkie," Rarity said, wincing at the sudden twitch of pain going up her left lung. Feeling a pony twenty percent heavier than herself slamming her into a railing wasn't pleasant. "I also think we should leave the violent tendencies for Rainbow and Applejack. Most of the time."
She stroked her own chin in thought, enjoying the faint curls in her mane flicking through the wind. It was a good thing she didn't have her massive curls anymore, and had replaced them with more gentle ones that slowly curtained down her muzzle. Having her mane pulled out would have had made her suicidal.
"Although I must admit, I think we are all picking up their vulgarity spewing tendencies, and I'm half interested in letting mine loose after containing it for so long."
Twilight nodded gently. "I've noticed that too. I think it's because you and I are the most concerned about our intellectual images. We're afraid we'll look immature by cursing."
"When immaturity is what our friends - and dare we admit it ourselves - are known for from time to time." Rarity grinned. "Have you noticed how wonderful it is to curse on occasion? Repressing it for far too long has made that truffle most sweet."
"I think it's from being around Rainbow and Applejack so much." Fluttershy blushed brightly, staring at the street underneath her. "And I... umm... swear a lot when nopony can hear me," she whispered. "When animals go to the bathroom on my furniture, or fight with each other, sometimes they just need someone to be dominant and put them in place. So... sometimes that's me."
"I try not to swear at all, but if it wasn't for the ten Aleve in me, I would be swearing Pinkie Profanity," Pinkie hummed. "I'm slightly high from it!"
"Because that's a safe dose," Twilight mumbled. "At least they gave us the bottle."
Pinkie giggled at Twilight. It was returned by Twilight dragging a forehoof across her muzzle.
"It's not nice to swear at ponies," Pinkie said, "and since I'm around children all day that would be even worse! But... I'll make small exceptions for you girls from now on though; 'cause it does make me feel better, and not have to repress things as much."
She galloped forward, power drifting her hooves on the road underneath her to spin her body around. She puffed up her chest, staring off into the distance heroically.
"As a really great pony once said, 'the sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just a fucking lunatic'."
Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight's jaws hung open in unison, exhaling as one entity.
The world had ended. Pinkie Pie had just dropped the F bomb.
It wasn't even an aptly timed one, as Pinkie was apt - or not apt - to do with most of her sayings. None of them were about to die - although that claim was debatable - nor had Pinkie cracked her hoof and pulled a flank tendon at the same time.
She just... said it. As if whatever quote she had just recited was something Twilight would say to a foal wanting to know a great quip for their' classmates.
Thankfully, the loud voice of Rainbow Dash saved the day. She was good at saving the day.
Or she had just made it significantly more awkward. She was also really good at doing that.
"Applejack, we need to do that again. You are the best work out partner ever ."
"Oh Chaney's cooch I'm used ta havin' sore thighs, Dasha, but this is just..."
Rainbow Dash flew beside Applejack as they walked toward their friends, laughing without a care in Equestria. The two mares were slightly damp, water sticking to their toned frames to the point that bits of condensation still dripped from Rainbow's muzzle and rump.
"Hah!" Rainbow cracked, "I can do some pretty amazing things with my wings can't I? You had to use your hind legs to keep up."
"And I got ya back with the hoof standin' now didn't I?" Applejack grinned, prodding Rainbow's side. "Now how about we admit that I got it stronger in my forehoof grip, but you got it better in technique."
Rainbow flipped through the air, looking down at Applejack with a soft smile. "I'm cool with that."
"I'malso glad ya finally admit that ya can't beat me in the quick starts or in the long run either. Ya just ain't an earth pony; no matter how hard ya try."
Rainbow flew backwards to stare at Applejack, rolling her eyes at the statement. "Yeah, yeah," she nickered dismissively, "you beat me in stamina, big deal. I still win in agility, although you are stupidly good with moving your rump. Have you ever tried dancing that doesn't involve hoedowns? You'd be really good at it. Man, your pelvic control is amazing !"
Applejack blushed. "R-r-really? I've always been afraid that I can't dance. Ya know, rednecks can't dance well."
"But you're a hip redneck." Rainbow pressed a forehoof affectionately on top of Applejack's shoulder. "There's a difference . Really, I'm being honest. You might be a bit bigger than most mares, but you have the strength and agility to dance well if you learned how. Shake some blond tail, AJ. That rope swinging has paid off. Bring Twilight to her knees!"
"Just like how we brought each other to our knees this mornin'." Applejack broke out into a torrent of laughter. It was soon enough joined by Rainbow's own.
"Yeah and we didn't exactly behave in the public baths either," Rainbow cackled. Applejack pulled Rainbow down to hug her with a forehoof, tears streaking down their muzzles in sedated delight.
"Oh... oh you bring out the worst of me, Rainbow." Applejack cooed out a sigh, wiping a tear from her eye. "Those poor crystal ponies seein' us like that!"
Applejack and Rainbow sighed in endorphin filled delight, closing their eyes to enjoy the fond memories of their morning. When they opened them, the other four Elements stared at them in shock.
Rainbow and Applejack looked at each other, tilting their muzzles in a silent attempt to communicate what was happening. When no solution came up, they looked back at their friends, blinking innocently.
The flapping of Rainbow's wings was currently the only sound in the air.
"So... why are you looking at us like that?" Rainbow Dash said.
"Just processing what we just heard," Twilight chuckled, twitching her neck. "In addition to listening to Pinkie dropping the f word."
"Woah!" Rainbow whistled, "she doesn't even do that during sex. What ticked you off, Pinks?"
"Thank you for the information, Rainbow." Rarity whipped her tail through the air. "It was very important that we knew that."
"I was just quoting from our narrator!" Pinkie whimpered. "He was the one who said it first!"
Rainbow smiled calmly. "Listen, guys, when Pinkie says stuff like that, just let her say it and forget about it. There's some things you just gotta let go."
"Why won't anypony believe me?" Pinkie sniffled. She collapsed onto her rump, tears budding in her eyes as she stared into the heavens. "This is your fault mister narrator man! They think I'm insane! Well, I am kinda coo-coo, but they think I'm even more insane than I should be insane! Why won't you show yourself!?"
Pinkie Pie had once again forgotten that while she could know her world was much like Harold's in Stranger Than Fiction, it was only her own. Her friends followed the rules of reality, whether Pinkie Pie liked it, or not.
"You're tearing me apart, narrator!" Pinkie Pie cried profusely, weeping onto the road as if she had lost a loved one. "Why do you do this to me!?"
Her friends glanced at her for several moments before heeding Rainbow's advice. It was for the best.
"So, did you two enjoy your fun?" Rarity huffed, tapping a forehoof loudly onto the ground. "By the way you two are dripping water, it looked 'fun' indeed."
Rainbow nodded. "Well... I mean... we're not as sore as you four, but we kinda needed a work out."
"I see," Twilight snorted, glancing at Rarity. "Was it a good 'work out'?"
Rainbow's wings flapped happily and loudly behind herself. "It sure was! After what we've been through, we needed to let it all out. And man , I feel so much better. I'm ready for today."
"Let it out?" Fluttershy scowled. "But what about Rarity, Rainbow?"
"I don't-"
"Stonewall Jackson's slimy scrotum ejaculate , Rainbow and I did not have sex this morning!"
The other five Elements retracted their snouts into their necks at the volume of Applejack's voice cutting through the air. Their tails hiked up into the air at the shock wave of sound hitting their muzzles.
The ponies passing them by who heard both the vulgarity uttered and saw the view offered to them were utterly, utterly disgusted. These were the mares who had saved their small nation. One could not choose their' heroes.
Rarity found her voice first, her bottom lips pouting in fear. "T-t-the positions!"
"We were doin' martial art 'n old earth pony muscle exercises!" Applejack spat.
"Q-quick starts?-"
"We ran around the race track several times an' I won!"
"G-grip?"
"We wrestled!"
"What about the pelvic control?" Twilight said, looking around at pedestrians eyeing her. She lowered her tail between her legs.
"I was showin' her how I do rodeo and she was showin' me some basic dancin' moves." Applejack blew out a plume of steam from the end of her muzzle.
"And the public bath?" Fluttershy whimpered.
"We started tacklin' each other and actin' like foals in a swimming pool."
Applejack's forehoof dug into the road underneath her, a growl budding in her throat. "I swear that half of Ponyville thinks just 'cause Dasha and I don't like doin' what other mares do that means we're dykes and buckin' each other. Hearin' it from you girls? Just be glad I don't punch anypony!"
Rainbow landed on the ground, wrapping a wing firmly around Applejack's side. "Jackie, chill. They didn't hear the whole conversation, and if you think about it, it kinda sounded funny. Just relax. You think I'd be thinking straight if I got beat up like they did either? And please don't use the D word around me?"
Applejack nodded solemnly, leaning into Rainbow to give her cheek a gentle nuzzle. "Yer right, Dash. I just got testy."
"And you had every right to be testy, Applejack." Rarity sighed deeply. "Bloody Tartarus. I've made a damn fool of myself by being so protective of you, Dash. I'm sorry. You too, Applejack."
"We all are sorry," Fluttershy whimpered. "We might be a bit... umm... high on painkillers."
"But that doesn't give us an excuse for jumping to conclusions, Fluttershy." Twilight moved forward, hugging Rainbow tightly. "I'm sorry too, and yes, you can say you like looking at my sweaty rump, Rainbow, if it makes you feel any better."
Rainbow Dash hugged Twilight gently in return. "Man, this has become awfully like a bad episode in a children's cartoon or something," Rainbow laughed. "Seriously, it's okay. I'm kinda having a fatigue high right now anyways. Everypony, calm down!"
Rainbow moved toward Fluttershy and Rarity, hugging them both with a soft smile spreading across her muzzle. "Flutters', getting annoyed at you is pretty much impossible, and..."
She smiled softly at Rarity, stroking gently at Rarity's cheek. "In a bucked up way that only I'd really get, I find it kinda nice that you're kinda protective of me. Anal grandma protective of me. It's how you show you care, and it's nice. Just remember: I'm loyal until I see a chocolate lava brownie or Pinkie's maple pecan ice cream with sprinkles on them. Then all bets are off."
"How about those on me?" Rarity fluttered her eyelashes seductively at Rainbow, letting out a soft, thrumming hum from her lips. "We can both have what we want, hmm? It's the least I can do for thinking that you cheated on me."
Pinkie Pie whimpered in agony. "Now I'm hungry... And I can't make those without being at home!"
Rainbow's wings spread to their full size, her cheeks quickly turning strawberry as her snout compacted into her own neck. "W-w-what!? I wasn't even thinking in that direction! You are completely high on painkillers! And guilt. And stress."
Applejack scratched the back of her mane. "Here we were, talkin' about how ya'll made jackasses out of yerself's, an' now Rarity 'n Rainbow are flirtin' about havin' food in the hay? The buck is goin' on here!? I think we've really lost it!"
"Applejack," Twilight said, leaning into her friend's side, "this is why you are my second-in-command: You're the one only I have left to protect me from joining them."
"Shut up, Applejack, you are ruining the moment," Rarity growled. "Let me enjoy my drugged up mood swings and fantasies."
"And don't you buck this up for me!" Pinkie neighed, grabbing Applejack by her chest fur. "I need their clop food money!"
"W-w-whatever you say, Pinkie." Applejack - despite doing her best not to - let out a shy, nervous squee to deflect the anger Pinkie directed at her. "I'll make some caramel for them and join in. Whatever ya want, girl!"
Twilight dragged a forehoof across her muzzle, rubbing it firmly up and down her nose. "I... I don't even. I give up on us. We're lost causes now. The last few days have completely destroyed what innocence we once had, and now we're horny, perverted monsters that aren't worthy to be called heroes anymore."
"Twilight, we are just like the rest of ponykind now," Fluttershy hummed.
Pressing her forehooves onto the back of Twilight's neck, Fluttershy squeezed and dragged her forehooves up and down the curvature of Twilight's crest. "Shh... now you are an adult, Twilight. It's okay. Now that we've had time to accept who we are, we'll be alright."
"Don't stop," Twilight panted, her tongue hanging out of her muzzle. "This is worth being perverts for. Dear Princess Celestia: Moral excellence is worth sacrificing for erotic massages."
"Does that include biting me in the neck and punching me in the face, Fluttershy?" Pinkie asked, loosening her grip on Applejack. "Then again... I'm not gentle anymore either! Yay for violence with friends!"
"I simply took out years of bullying and being quiet when I should have spoken up on you, Pinkie," Fluttershy said, digging her forehooves into Twilight's shoulder blades. "Nothing personal," she giggled.
Twilight stomped a forehoof loudly onto the road, her tail snapping behind herself in bliss. "I... I accept the ramifications that-lower, Fluttershy. Oh buck yes!"
"You see?" Rarity giggled, "even Twilight is high off of painkillers, and Applejack is open to the idea of joining in."
Rarity stroked Rainbow's chin in thought, content to look at the burning fire that burned across Dash's muzzle. "Although I have no attractions toward you in that manner, Applejack, I'm sure Rainbow Dash would have the time of her life with you and caramel. Now wouldn't you, sweetie?"
Rainbow's frame was as low to the ground as it could be with her still standing on her four hooves. Her eyes had turned into tiny dots of fear, her wings quivering for more reasons than she would have liked. "Help," she squeaked. "I thought we were sorta-not-kinda-ish-quarter-maybe-semi-flirting-dating and not really dating?"
"Shut up, Rainbow Dash," Rarity growled huskily, licking over Rainbow's nose. "Mistress Rarity is saying you will lick caramel from Applejack, and that is final . And while you are at it, we might as well include Twilight, since she loves desserts, and you happen to be a very good one."
Twilight's trance was shattered with the words directed at her, her coat and tail standing on edge as her violet eyes stared Rarity down. "What the hay, Rarity!? Just because-"
"I'll bring my triple swirl cinnamon sticky buns for you, Twilight," Pinkie purred. She rubbed the side of her coat incisively against Twilight's side, huffing in her ear. "I'll make them as big as your body, so you can just squish in it. All of that crystal sugar. Mmm..."
Twilight's ears twitched rapidly at the thoughts going through her head. Disgusting thoughts. Wonderful thoughts.
"I'm just... umm... not think about anything right now," Fluttershy squeaked, slowly backing away from her friends. "Because as much as I love honey, I'm... umm... would rather not see my friends covered in food."
"Please , Fluttershy!" Rainbow cried. Her magenta eyes darted between her friends before settling on Fluttershy's own. "I need somepony to take the heat off of me! I'll... I'll buy you a gallon of... of crème brûlée! Yeah! You love that stuff!"
Fluttershy's ears perked up instantly, her massaging of Twilight continuing to the clear delight on Twilight's muzzle. "Oh! That sounds awesome, Dash! I'll do it then, so that Rarity doesn't make you limp for weeks."
"Excellent," Pinkie purred, rubbing her forehooves together. "Soon I'll have you girls asking me to bake and cook all kinds of tasty treats for you! I'll get all the money the Cutie Mark Crusaders took from me back, and then I'll start a secret underground porn film food industry! Can't do clop without food in your stomach!"
Pinkie Pie was rarely a mare to have a slip of the tongue. It was her creed to keep secrets if they needed to be kept, to ensure that those that were sworn in front of her were kept sacred and held to the highest standards. She knew full well that sometimes, somethings just didn't need to be told, and there was nothing wrong with that. A pony had the right to keep some thoughts to one friend only, or make sure something that would only cause more harm than good was never heard.
The problem was that her slip of the tongue was never a secret that she either told herself to keep or Twilight told her to keep. It had simply been forgotten in the litany of chaos that had exploded around her.
Pinkie Pie mentally constructed and fired a sentence that was thirty seven unique words long and was nothing but vulgarities. It would have spalled the side of a battleship.
Rarity's eyes instantly lost whatever dominatrix gaze they had commanded over her peers to slowly turn toward Pinkie Pie. Applejack's eyes followed suit, ebbing over to look at Pinkie at the pace of a gently pushed old door.
"They did... what ?"
Rarity's voice was icy calm and devoid of nearly all emotion. It had only the faintest spice of shock that tapped on the end of her sentence.
It made Pinkie Pie wince in fear.
"They didn't steal money from me!" Pinkie giggled, bouncing up and down despite her legs not agreeing with the weight of her movement. "Sure, they can cause lots of things to blow up, but steal money? That'd be silly!"
"Then what did they take?" Applejack said. Her forehooves dug firmly into the road, as if she were bracing herself against a gale of wind.
"Nothing important!" Pinkie grinned, chuckling nervously. "Nothing that expensive or something I couldn't write off-why are you still talking, me?"
"We are so screwed." Rainbow Dash flicked a wing through her ponytail, her body flinching briefly at the words coming out of her mouth.
"Do you have something to add , Dashie dear?" Rarity fluttered her eyelashes once more at Rainbow, purring delightfully. Rarity wiggled her white rump behind herself, letting out a playful giggle. "Because I would love to hear what you have to say on the matter."
Rainbow lifted up her forehooves and wings defensively. "Before you blame me, just know that Twilight signed off on this. I just came up with the idea."
"Idea , Twilight?" Applejack stared down Twilight, sniffing the sweat that began to drip down Twilight's neck. "You let them steal Pinkie's-"
"Oh no!" Twilight laughed, swallowing down a ball of saliva. "Pinkie Pie and I were caught making out in the bakery that afternoon when they came in, so they... pretty much blackmailed us since they caught you and Rainbow kissing and planning that night as well! Didn't want to ruin it for Rarity!"
Rarity's eyebrow twitched. "I see our sisters are truly-"
"How could you blame them?" Rainbow said. "We've been doing this for over a year and they are jealous about us always talking about how much fun we've had. They're kids . They had stupidly juicy gossip, we're sick of us lying to them and rubbing it in their faces."
Fluttershy nodded, wrapping her good wing around Rainbow Dash in support. "Rarity, you are being very hard on them, Twilight, Dash, and Pinkie. Yes, it's bad, but it's not like we didn't know they wanted to try sex anyways. It's a good thing Spike had it taken care of. He's our little Spike!"
"M-m-my sister knows about sex?" Applejack said. "Y-y-yer kiddin' right? Ha... Ha... Takin' candy, not sex. Ya girls are confusin' two different things!"
Applejack's friends all looked at each other and nothing at the same time. They eyed each other, studying who would speak first, pleading for a voice to speak up. Their hooves scratched at the road, pleading for it to crack open and bring out an ancient evil.
It was just superbly paved crystal.
"Ya... ya have ta be fuckin' kiddin' me." Applejack's wild, untied tail flicked behind her as if she was trying to swat away the notion. Obliterate the notion.
"I learned it from Spike!" Rarity cried. "And as Fluttershy said, everything's fine now, isn't it, Twilight ? Spike took care of it." Her lips quivered, eyes pleading for help from Rainbow. "R-r-ight? A lovely plan by Dash, Twilight, and Spike to keep that evil at bay!"
"And they learned about it from us making out in the barn and planning against Rarity, Applejack," Rainbow said. "That was stupid of us. We kept the piano door wide open and they heard us talking about it. So really, them causing all of this is our fault."
Applejack's anger evaporated, her ears wilting by the sides of her snout. "So... Dasha 'n I caused them to learn it. And then-"
"They wanted to eat a bunch like us!" Pinkie smiled, wrapping a forehoof around Applejack. She gave Applejack a firm squeeze. "So really they just made us all have to keep secrets and they totally used us! They are getting smart. I'm gonna make them a medal cake. After I bake things for our orgy."
"And to prevent them from causing the end of Equestria," Twilight grinned, "Rainbow, Spike, and I came up with a spell that should wipe their memories only for that day, leaving only Spike possibly knowing that sexual reproduction can also be used as entertainment!"
Fluttershy closed her eyes in peace, letting out a content sigh. "And we didn't tell each other the whole story because we didn't want to ruin that wonderful night at Invictus."
"And... we may have been completely pissed with all the alcohol," Rarity chuckled. "And the cannabis. And the urge to procreate. With each other. So we just decided to damn everything and trust it all to Spike. He is reliable around me."
The Elements of Harmony looked at each other, forgetting for the moment that this morning was going to be the resolution of their deeds three days ago.
It was as if they were having a silent conversation, their eyes moving from pony to pony, standing underneath the grand base of the Crystal Palace. They looked at each other as if the conversation they just had was one they should have saved for private.
It was in fact, but they were legendary for their ability to make scenes in public, and perhaps over time they just stopped caring.
"Is that everythin'?" Applejack asked, scratching at her chest idly.
"Can't think of anything that we all don't know already." Rainbow shrugged.
"So what did you tell Spike to do, Rainbow?" Fluttershy said. "If Twilight didn't think of it first, then it must of been something really different!"
"What else but magic?" Twilight said, her horn pulsating to life.
With one bright glow her friends were teleported directly beside her, Twilight smiling with pride. "Magic can solve a good majority of our problems, and Rainbow just recommend I use a memory blur spell. Kind of like blacking out on alcohol, but magically, and less severe. Sure, it's a bit dangerous, and... questionably legal, but it was either that or ruin the night for all of us, so I made the best decision my sexually needy, slightly tipsy, extremely stressed self would normally make! Spike just made sure I did it right."
Pinkie Pie giggled in delight, wrapping her forehooves around Fluttershy and Twilight, hugging both of her friends tightly. "And that's brainwashing your enemies and-"
Pinkie's expression changed from delight to contemplation, her mind replying every single scenario she had ever seen Twilight go through. Other than the one that the other Elements promised to beat out of Twilight if they needed too...
"Twilight Sparkle!" Pinkie spun around to prod a forehoof firmly into Twilight's chest. "You are lying to us!"
Twilight looked around at her friends and their confused expressions, her violet eyes returning to look into the glowing sky blue eyes of Pinkie's staring her down like she was an ant under a magnifying glass. "W-what-"
"You are an existentialist ponyist, Twilight." PInkie Pie prodded Twilight's chest once again.
"I-I-I can be vocal about my views on life, Pinkie, but-"
"That means that ponies and creatures should always come first when it comes to happiness, and that anything that magically and socially interferes with their freedom to be who they are or do what they want without their consent is wrong. "
Twilight swallowed down a large ball of saliva, sweat trickling down her neck. "Y-Y-yes, and most of us here do-"
"That means you would never, ever, * ever*** play with a ponies' memories. Sure, you might magically put them to sleep, but make them forget something? Without them asking for it? That, isn't, * you.***"
"I didn't cast a spell!" Twilight cried, falling onto her rump. "Rainbow Dash recommended we get the Cutie Mark Crusaders' higher than the Haymalayan mountains, and we sent Spike to steal some of Fluttershy's marijuana, take their food, and maybe get high himself. It was the best idea at the time!"
Fluttershy blinked rapidly, turning her muzzle to look at Rainbow Dash. "Umm... I'm just going to say, that letting three fillies and a dragon who are about to hit puberty get high isn't exactly... the best idea ever. If I may speak from experience."
Rainbow Dash clicked her tongue between her teeth, blowing out a jet of air from her lips. "Yeah... I didn't think about that. Horse apples."
"Well," Applejack sighed, "I could get mad, but now I realize we're just gonna have to accept what's happened, cause it's pretty much our fault. Epona have mercy on us all."
"Sweetie Belle... High..."
Rarity's eyebrows twitched, her eyelashes flickering as she turned around to look at Rainbow Dash.
She expected Rainbow to be meeker, cowering once more; but she simply seemed slightly drained. As if she was accepting her fate.
"Rainbow Dash," Rarity whispered, "you thought getting my sister high, of all the ponies in Ponyville - even Pinkie Pie - was a good idea?"
Rainbow clicked her tongue once more, biting her bottom lip. "Y-y-yeah, I don't think ahead a lot, if you haven't noticed."
Rarity placed her forehooves on Dash's lean chest, scratching at the thick, husky chest coat that Rainbow had. Rarity smiled sweetly, her sapphire eyes staring affectionately into the magenta core of Rainbow's own. "Sweetie, we've been through a lot recently, and I am oddly growing slightly fond of you. You help me let out a repressed mare I've held back for far too long."
Dash opened her mouth to comment, only to have Rarity place a forehoof gently on Rainbow's lips. "Although I usually don't say this in tense situations, everything's going to be alright. We will all make it through this alive and well."
Dash's ears perked. "R-r-really?"
"Until I skull fuck you with my horn!"
"I must admit, that while I have not really seen the Elements of Harmony by themselves, this is certainly the most interesting kind of Harmony I have seen in a very long time."
Six mares turned their eyes to look at the voice addressing them.
It was none other than Princess Luna.
Twilight fainted.