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Chapter Two, or making the acquaintance of the locals
Today was a good day for Aragorn Taal'Usul Nol Karma Tas'Firma, a manticore of the Everfree forest, which will be referred to as "Bob" since the author is too lazy to re-write that name over and over again. Anyway, Bob had grabbed enough fish in the river to feed his family for a week. Lucky Bob ! However, on the way back to his cave, he saw something quite peculiar. Six of the strangest ponies he ever saw were walking through the woods.
Not only did he rarely see any pony daring to come in the forest, but he could see chunks of timberwolves lying on the burned ground of a path and remains of a cockatrice which apparently was unlucky enough to cross these ponies' way. Bob stood there for a moment, staring blankly at the battlefield, though a battlefield would imply a long and epic fight : this one couldn't have a longer duration than 20 seconds. After a while, Bob decided to take a resolution : never again will he drink that weird minotaur booze. Never.
-Meanwhile, Ponyville-
Today wasn't a very good day for Twilight Sparkle. Long story, but she had come to a conclusion : all of the ponies in this town were absolutely crazy. So since it wasn't a very good day, she hoped she would have a good night at least. Fat chance. Spike finally drifted into sleep, after participating to the first party of his life. It was hard to forget about the excitement. It was even harder to ignore the constant knocking on the door, at 3:00AM. Wait. "SPIKE," yelled Twilight. "Go get it !" And who was he to refuse a direct order from Princess Celestia's only and most faithful student ?
It could've been anyone, really, maybe Pinkie Pie forgot one of her balloons, maybe Rarity came to meet him personally, maybe-Twilight's now angered yelling brang him back to reality. He quickly ran to the door, opened, and faced ... a unicorn. A shiver went down his spine. He had nothing against unicorns, really, his best friend was a unicorn. But his best friend wasn't a three-eyed cosmonaut brain. "T-Twilight," he said hesitantly. "You're gonna want to see this."
The six of them were surprised. Well, make it five, Voltar's analysis had shown him that reptiles were sapient too. And they talked too, not bad at all, and very interesting. "Greetings, native, ve come in peace." Not the best way to greet someone, but it was close enough. The lizard in front of him took a worried glance at all of his visitors and replied
"Sure, sure, hello ... Twilight, you coming ?" Four limbs were climbing down the stairs. Voltar was glad he could finally compare his work to the actual autochtones. His reaction was one of pride when he saw the incoming unicorn, as she looked exactly like him or Yuri. However, her reaction wasn't the one he really expected. Who would take eyes rolling up and collapsing a welcoming sign ?
"Is vhat normal ?" He asked. The lizard took a pause, before answering :
"What do you consider normal ?" Voltar obviously didn't get what the little reptile was talking about. What could've been so wrong that the lavender unicorn collapsed ?
"Dude," started the light blue pegasus behind him. "You're a three-eyed brain in a glass bulb".
It took a moment for the idea to hit his head, but he finally got it. "Ah" he said.
This definitely wasn't a good night neither for Twilight Sparkle. She just had a horrible dream of some sort of alien pony with a brain instead of a head. However, when she opened her eyes, it wasn't the warm light of the sun that greeted her, but some green myst. She did what anypony rational would do in this situation. She screamed. At least she tried, but a giant hoof landed on her mouth before she could do anything.
"Little pony no scream," said a robotic voice above her. "Don't want to wake entire village. Look at Clunk, little pony. Clunk is nice pony." She did, and, except for the glowing yellow eyes, which were scary enough, couldn't help but to notice how big this stallion was. Probably bigger than the farmer from earlier's big brother. Eventually, she calmed down.
"So," she said, not hyperventilating anymore. "You aren't here to kidnap me ?" Collective nod. "And you just want to find a job ?" Collective nod again. "And you," she said, pointing a hoof at Voltar. "Aren't a mutant zompony ?" A single nod and a look of indignation were enough. "Finally, you would like to stay in the library for the night, right ?" They nodded again. "You can sleep here. On the floor. I don't have any spare room ..." of course she was lying, but she couldn't trust these six already. Since it looked like they were okay with it, she just went back to sleep. She was now going to have a good night. What was left of it, anyway.
The next morning didn't look like a very good morning for Twilight Sparkle. She would even go as far as to say it was the beggining of a bad day. First of all, she was very tired. Try feeling good after sleeping at 4:00AM. Second of all, there were six crazed ponies in her living room. Finally, she had to attend to the Summer Sun Celebration, as fast as possible. She quickly ate breakfast and woke her guests up.
She didn't mind the confused faces when she mentioned the Celebration to her guests, not like her brain would allow her to mind anything anyway. This day was getting a little brighter, as Princess Celestia was going to raise the sun. Or was supposed to, anyway. As the curtains opened, they revealed ... nothing. Nothing at all. Collective gasp from the crowd. Collective scream of horror, when a giant winged pegasus made her appearance, claimed herself to be "Nightmare Moon, the mare on the moon" and swore to bring eternal night upon Equestria. This was a very bad day for Ponyvillians.
Our six mercenaries got away from the panicking ponies and started discussing. "So Yuri, ever mangled some of dem humans back in yer space station thing ?" Asked a bored Lonestar.
"No. What kind of question is that ?!" And so started quite the argument between five ponies. Until a certain unicorn broke into the conversation.
"Men, ve have bigger business to discuss than vhat Clunk vas doing as a cleaning robot. As much as eternal night doesn't concern uns at all, ve should consider vhe possibilities : vhis Nightmare Moon doesn't look so tough compared to vhat ve faced, so I say ve give it a shot." Collective nod. Who wouldn't listen to the biggest egghead in the universe ?
"I ain't against yo at all," said Froggy. "But what can we do to save da day ? We've got no idea 'bout where that Nightmare miss went".
"Ze frog has a point" said Leon, who just finished giving his point of you of wether cheese should be considered sacred or not.
"Vhich is vhy I eavesdropped our host's conversation vith her new friends. Nightmare Moon vent into vhe Everfree forest, vhich is our crashing site. Vhe plan is simple from hier : ve get in vhe old castle, beat vhe pegasus up, and get her to free vhe sun princess !" This was a brilliant plan. Not flawless, but brilliant, and they were going to do it. Because they were the Awesomenauts.
-Later, the Everfree forest-
"Clunk does not understand. Why not kill Manticore of legend ?" Asked a slightly bothered stallion.
"Because vhey are endangered," answered a slightly annoyed unicorn. "Besides, it had a thorn in it's foot, it wouldn't really bother us". The six crazed ponies delved deeper into the forest, until they met a river. Of course, they could swim, but the water seemed quite agitated, for a simple reason : there was a whinning leviathan in it.
"Oh blimey ! Why, why, why ?" Said the creature, crying. A lot.
"What's up ?" Asked Froggy G in his extreme subtility, almost reaching the size of a bacteria.
"Oh, my beautiful mustache ! Cut off ! Disappeared ! Ay me !" Said the monster between two tears. This was an obstacle for the Awesomenauts.
But not too much of one, as Leon came to the sea serpent and told him "Hé, l'ami, I know ze best way to make it grow back ..."
He took a pause for the effect, earning a plead from the other "Tell me ! I'll do anything !"
He grinned before declaring "Très simple ! Hold still for three minutes ! Don't move at all, and it will come back to you !"
It was a bad day for Steve. This purple cloud had cut off his magnificient mustache ! Fortunately, these ponies were kind enough to teach him how to have it back ! So he waited, staying as still as possible. He gazed at a tree, focusing on it as much as he could. He could see a bird nest. He counted the eggs. He counted the cracks in them. But he didn't feel his mustache at all. "Do you really think it's going to-" they were gone. "Oh blimey !" He said, turning the water into a giant deathtrap again.
Nothing interrupted the mercenaries' trip now. Well, there was this bridge, but it broke right after Clunk passed. Lucky them. They were now right in front of a seemingly very old castle. They were about to enter, when Voltar yelled "HALT ! Ve cannot go vhere now." The others looked suspiciously at him
"And why not, eh ?" Asked Lonestar, ready to jump face first into the hall.
"Very simple," replied Voltar. "Miss Twilight Sparkle is required to defeat Nightmare Moon. So ve vait." And waiting they did. They started playing go fish, until six figures came out of the woods. "Vhere they are, said Voltar, let us move !"
And so they followed them into the dark castle ...
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Chapter Three, or when things go exactly as expected
It was a good night for Nightmare Moon. She stabilized the night to make it continuous, and her sister was nowhere to be found. It was indeed a very good night for Nightmare Moon. Well, that is, untile these weird anomalies appeared in her castle. They were ponies - every single limb and nerve indicated it - but they were extremely ... odd, all in their own way. Fortunately, they wouldn't put up too much of a fight ... would they ?
Her question would soon be answered, as her sister's most faithful student just fell into her trap, which surprised her, as it didn't take a genius not to jump in a big, scary portal coming out from the blue. But she did it, so everything was fine. However, if she let Twilight's friends roam freely in the castle, they would eventually find their way to her, and knowing how the elements of harmony work, it was the worst outcome. So she decided to send minions, shadow ponies, to stop them. Surely, five, eleven ponies if she counted the odd ones, weren't going to stop fifty ponies from capturing them. She didn't know it yet, but this was going to be a very bad night for Nightmare Moon.
-Meanwhile, the castle's hall-
"And why should ah trust ya'll ?!" Spat an angry orange earth pony. It was the worst day ever for Applejack. Her new friend just disappeared, and she was supposed to let six mutant ponies tell her what to do ? No way.
"Fraulin, vhere is a giant eternal night bringing demon out vhere, and trusting uns is your main concern ?!" Replied the unicorn standing in front of her. He had a point, but come on, who would immediately put his trust in a three-eyes brain in a glass orb ?! Even with the body of a unicorn, it didn't make it any better.
"Applejack, darling, that isn't a good way to treat guest," said a white ... pale ... crystal ? Oh well, a purple maned unicorn. "Here, let me show you : we're all very pleased to meet you, but there isn't time for arguments, as pointed by ... oh my, I appear to have forgotten you name, you are ... ?"
Apparently this day was getting a bit better for Voltar. "Mein name ist Voltar, und ja, vhere is important business vaiting for us."
Unfortunately, while they were discussing, they didn't notice fifty shadows creeping in the dark. And when they did, they were already surrounded. "Hum ... can-can I speak ? If that's okay with you, that is ..." said a cream colored pegasus, her face still half hidden behind her mane.
"Go ahead, Fraulin" replied Voltar, who still hadn't noticed the horde of evil ponies of evil around him.
"Hum ... there are lot of creepy ponies out here, and, hum ... do we have to giggle at the ghosties ?" Indeed there were a lot of creepy ponies, and they were closing the circle around the eleven of them.
"I see ve have guest," said Voltar, "Girls how about you stay behind uns vhile ve terminate vhem ?"
It was a good night for Umbra. Well, it was the first night of his life, too, but he still enjoyed it. The ponies were here, and half of them seemed to be shivering. What an easy mission. He would get promoted for that, maybe even will his queen give him a new grade, or- he never got to finish this thought, as a bubbly tornado passed through him and seven other shadow ponies, blasting them to pieces. "Froggy G is in the house !" Said a light blue pegasus, apparently the center of the tornado. The shadow ponies had to react. Fast. So they did the first thing any of them though was the best thing to do : they charged.
Her friends told her to close her eyes and to count to thirty, so Fluttershy did it. Whatever was happening there must've been very, very scary. And it was, indeed, a morbid show : shadow limbs were flying everywhere, others were just melting, and -BZZT GZZT VZZT
One, two, one two, this is a test. Due to the "everyone" in the rating of the story, I will describe the attacks instead of their result-
It was Lonestar's move. He already used his glorious dynamites, and now was the time to unleash his inner bull. Literally. He whistled, and a giant, angry, blue bull with a bomb attached on it and an eyepatch appeared, and charged the unicorn shadow ponies. They all aimed their attacks at the azur abomination, and happened to destroy it right before it empaled them. Unfortunately, before they could be satisfied from their victory, a giant explosion blasted them all.
Clunk saw little ponies everywhere. Sure, he didn't want to crush little innocent beings, but this was different. First, these beings weren't innocent at all. And most of all, he was outnumbered, so the code of honour could wait. Dozens of shadow pegasi flew at him, in an attempt to punch him to exhaustion. He didn't move an inch, and instead a large electric orb formed around him. The shadow pegasi didn't seem to mind it, and it would be their last mistake. The last thing they saw was an enormous explosion engulfing them.
Yuri was small. He always was, since he was a monkey. But he had quite a deadly weapon, and due to a lack of technology, decided to use it through his horn. A beam of pure energy formed itself, consuming everypony in it's way.
They were all doing great, and Caporal Shadowblob didn't feel like dying this night. If that was going to be a very bad night, he would go through it, so he sneaked his way out of the massacre. At least he tried, since a very long tongue had grasped one of his hooves and wouldn't let go. He was slowly brang towards a green earth pony. "You-you aren't going to blow me up, or burn me down, are you ?" He asked, scared for his life.
The other gave him a comforting smile "Non, of course not, zis would be a horrible destiny. No, your doom will be much ... faster" his left hoof started to form a sparkling blade, as he put the shadow pony down "You will die ... like le roi !" And he proceeded to kill him. Rated "everyone" again, go google "Louis XVI" for more information. It was finally over.
"Oh ... my ..." said Rarity in shock. Of all of the ponies who would keep their eyes open, you wouldn't expect her to be so brave.
"Fluttershy, don't open your eyes yet. Let's move on." Nothing could now stop them from reaching their friend. She took a last glance at the battlefield, before leaving, focusing on her next order. Anything to forget the scattered dead ponies on the floor. After what seemed like ten minutes of walking, they were here. Twilight was here. Nightmare Moon was here too. And she never saw it coming.
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Chapter Four, or the following of the default timeline
Pinkie Pie had been surprisingly silent during the trip through the castle. She was deeply thinking. What would she call the welcome party for her six new friends ? What was the meaning of life ? Did the brainy Stallion like cake ? Could he even eat ? Who framed Roger Rabbit ? All of these serious ideas disappeared when she saw her newest bestest friend. "Don't worry Twilight," she said. "We're here !"
"Guten Abend, Fraulin," greeted Voltar, meeting the now less scared gaze of the purple unicorn. "I believe you have vhe key to our problem."
"I do." Replied Twilight. She the turned to face Nightmare Moon. "You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony just like that ?" She declared with a confident grin. "Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here !"
The bad night really started for Nightmare Moon. Her thousandth and first and last night, to be more specific. "What ?" She said. So much for famous last words.
Twilight started her long and boring speech about the elements and her friends, which I removed, viewer discretion advised. Meanwhile, Clunk noticed something behind him. He wasn't really want for long speeches, and the only stories he actually listened were Ayla's, since she explained way funnier and less boring events than the ones McJibber related. Who cared about how the old man earned his medals, seriously ? But Clunk had to focus. It could be a foe. First, it looked like a tall pegasus. Then, he noticed something odd : she had a horn. And she was peacefully walking towards them. Before Clunk could ask anything, a loud noise grabbed his attention : Nightmare Moon's scream of agony, and whatever sound a giant rainbow hurricane made.
In a matter of seconds, the mare on the moon was no more, and soon the sun would come back, brighter than ever. "Gee, Twilight," started Applejack. "I thought your were just spoutin' a lot of hooey, but ah reckon we really do represent the elements of friendship !"
"Indeed you do" said the tall pony from earlier. Everypony turned to her, except for Clunk, who had been facing her the entire time. Half of them bowed. The other half were confused. Except for Voltar. He was the egghead, after all, the mister knows-it-all of the group. Deducing this mare was royalty wasn't a very hard task.
"I would bow," he said. "If I had hooves, miss." Indeed, Voltar was basically a floating brain in a glass bulb with a hoodless red cloak. He still resembled an equine, though.
"I knew you could do it," continued Celestia. "And I thank you six for supporting my faithful student in her quest." She said, turning to the mercenaries.
Meanwhile, on the floor, Princess Luna got back on her four hooves. At least she tried, but she was exhausted for some reason. "Laissez-moi vous aider, miss" said a voice from above her. There stood a green stallion with a yellow mane and a black mustache. The first thing she felt was confusion. Why was this stranger here ? Why was he speaking in this strange language even her couldn't understand ? Her second reaction was one of fear. She identified this mysterious stallion as the one who brutally killed one of Nightmare Moon's minions. Her last reaction was surprise. Her elder sister was right there, behind the green stallion.
"It has been a thousand years since I have seen you like this," said Celestia. "Will you accept my friendship ?" She cried.
This was a terrible day for Nightmare Moon, but the most joyful day of Princess Luna's life.
-Later, in Ponyville-
Since there were so much things to celebrate, the party's banner only indicated 'Best Day Ever !' and it was indeed a magnificient day for all Ponyvillians. But far from the cheering, eating and joy, six ponies discussed their situation. "We're hobos, aren't we ? WE'RE HOBOS !" Cried Yuri.
"Dun worry monkey boy, we'll make money in a way ! I already have tons of ideas !" Declared Froggy G.
"Are vhey legal ?" Asked Voltar. Awkward silence. Until hoofsteps were heard. "... Fraulin Princess," said Voltar respectuously, "A pleasure yet again." If he was lucky, his comrades would bow. He wasn't lucky.
At least they don't seem to hold to the etiquette too much, thought the Princess of the Sun. "My little ponies, it appears you proved yourselves to be more than assistants today," said Celestia. "And since you don't seem to have any place to sleep, I have a proposition for you : I will give you a great mansion, here in Ponyville. You will be given 10.000 bits, and will be considered part of my beloved subjects. In exchange, I want you to take care of my most faithful student. What do you think of that ?"
This day was excellent so far, for everypony. "Yes," said Voltar, not waiting for any eventual objection from his teammates. "Ve accept."
Chapter Five, or why this duty is hard
They were here to take care of Twilight Sparkle, now. Though everypony first asked Voltar what it meant, the idea of bodyguards seemed to ring a bell. First of all, as bodyguards, they had to find their charge. That was the easy part. Not causing panic was the hard part.
All the doors closed on their way. The streets were empty. Pretty much like the- no wait, those are spoilers. Anyway, they recognized the tree house, and decided to knock. Which wasn't necessary, since the door opened right before them. "What are we even going to- oh, hey, you guys again." Greeted the lizard from earlier. "What's up ?"
"Die Princess asked uns to take care of Fraulin Sparkle, so ve vill." Answered Voltar. "Vhich means at least one of uns must alvays be vith her. Got any preference amongst uns, lizard ?"
"Hey, I'm a dragon !" He replied, earning a doubtful look from Voltar. "Well ... a baby dragon ... but still a dragon ! And, huh ... you guys all seem cool, so I don't know. But since we're going to Sweet Apple Acres, I'd take the Appleloosan for today." Didn't seem to remind them of anything, but he was looking at Lonestar expectantly.
"So ah guess it's mah turn, eh ?" Answered the texan pegasus. "You can count on me, dragon !"
This was a good day so far for Twilight. That is, until she eavesdropped that conversation between her number one assistant and the six crazy stallions from before. Why would Celestia trust these maniacs ?! Apparently, they killed fifty of Nightmare Moon's minions, and even though they weren't technically ponies with a home and a family waiting for them, they were still equines. Were they lying ? Were they trying to foalnap her ? Where they trying to imprison her ? Were they trying to imprison her after they foal-
"Howdy miss Stardust !" Called the brown pegasus. "Th'names Lonestar, and ah'm with ya fer today ! No objection, ah reckon ? Perfect !"
When she asked her bodyguard about his life, she didn't quite expect the buffalo planet nonsense. But she understood two things : one, he would love to taste Applejack's cider, or any kind of drink really. Two, he was a completely insane murderous psychopath. Well, from her point of view. But since Spike insisted, she still took both of them to the orchard. What she did not expect here, was Spike belching green fire.
"What in tarnation was that ?" Asked Lonestar, staring blankly. He'd seen many things in his life, the Solar Boss could do that, but dem critter never produced a letter.
"It's a letter from the Princess" answered Twilight firmly.
Spike cleared his throat. "Hear ye, hear ye. Her Grand Royal Highness, Princess Celestia of Equestria, is pleased to announce the Grand Galloping Gala to be held in the magnificient capital city of Canterlot, eh, yadda, yadda, yadda, cordially extends an invitation to Twilight Sparkle plus one guest."
Applejack and Twilight were about to cheer, when Lonestar said the forbidden words. "The Grand Gallo- what ?"
Twilight Sparkle was a very well educated pony. She was taught the important dates of Equestrian History during her first year at school. If he asked her who Julius Clopaesar was, she would've taken it. But that was just commom knowledge. And her brain shut down.
Applejack was a farmer. She never listened to that boring noble gossip, and it was perchance that she knew of the existance of the Gala. So, seeing her friend's eye twitch, she decided it was time to speak up. "Ah wonder which planet you lived on, but if ya'll don't know what the Gala is, think of it as the biggest party 'round these parts, with the elite of Equestria in one big place."
"So a big snob gathering, then ?" Asked Lonestar innocently. Twilight was about to answer, when Spike broke in.
"You got it." He said, soon giving a sheepish grin to his purple friend. "No offense, heheh." Smart move, Spike. She was indeed very, VERY offended. He needed a plan. And it came from his mouth. "Oh look, two tickets !" And the day was saved.
Her mood immediately changed. "Wow, great ! I've never been to the Gala. Have you, Spike ?"
"No," he answered. "And I plan to keep it that way".
While they were talking, Lonestar leaned closer to Applejack. "So, heard ya make cider ?"
"Yup, best cider in Equestria ! Ya'll have to try it." She replied. "Ah use a good family recipe, always the same, never changed, it's basically some- NICE ?"
"Huh ... what in tarnation's a 'nice' ?" Asked Lonestar. He obviously wasn't following Twilight and Spike's conversation, since he already had an opinion on this 'Grand Galloping Gala'.
"Yeah ! Ah mean ... no ! Ah mean ... hang on !" She turned to Twilight. "It's a heap good more than just nice, I'd love to go. Land sakes, if I had ..."
That was the last straw. Listening.exe has crashed ! Fatal error : 13374290016917898888. Instead of all that girly patry stuff, he turned to Spike. "So ... ya ... are a dragon ?"
This was going to be a long day.
After an unfortunate encounter with a rainbow pegasus, they ( Twilight, Lonestar and Spike ) decided to eat. They were on their way, but a terrible crash happened. A UFO landed on Equis. So loud, so fast, so ... PINK. "Gah ! Bats ! Bats on my face ! Help !"
He would gladly listen to what this one had to say. Just kidding. What's the worst that could happen in this town, anyway ? ... Oh lookie, I jinxed it. Since there apparently wasn't any source of immediate threat, he decided to go to the library. Not to read, of course, reading is boring. But since there wasn't really any other place he knew of to go ...
He would just take a nap. Well, he wish he could, but there were dozen of animals cleaning the library at the mo- wait. "... can ah have an explannation 'bout that ?" He asked to nobody in particular. And there was an answer.
"Oh, um, hello, mister." Said a weak voice from the other side of the room. "We're, um, doing a little, um, spring cleaning."
"Huh," he said. "Last time ah checked, the library belonged to miss Sparkly."
"Oh, you're right, but we're just doing it for the ticket." Apparently she was a terrible liar. Good to know.
So Lonestar just grunted his way out of the treehouse ( funny jk ) to the restaurant he saw earlier. The one with the stuck up ponies speaking like Leon, in a less natural way. However, the only one he saw there, was the one he was thinking about merely seconds ago. "Isn't this place empty, shape-shiftin' diamond dozen backstabber ?"
"Never knew you could use such a ... sophisticated language, Lonestar" answered Leon. "However, I'm waiting for ze personnel. Ze patron is gonna hear me ! I've been waiting des heures for my order !" What he wasn't seeing, however, were the tons of ponies regrouped, about to yell "SURPRISE" any second now, right next to the library. "By ze way, weren't you supposed to tenir compagnie à miss Sparkle ?"
"Yeah," Lonestar answered. "But there ain't no thing to worry about fer the moment, so I'm just going 'round the town, y'know ..." and then he herd it.
"We're ... gonna ... RUN !" Was there any threats in here after all ? Didn't want to take any chances. So he summoned his bull, and charged towards the crowd, leaving Leon to wait another three hours before anypony could serve him his food.
This was a bad day for Twilight Sparkle. Not the worst one, but still very bad, in a different way. She could only think about one thing : run, run, RUN, FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE ! She never watched behind her. That would slow her down. So she never saw the giant blue bull jumping over the crowd, taking both her and Spike on itself. She screamed, of course. But seeing Lonestar on too was somehow comforting. Somehow, because they were about to crash into the library.
"Riding into the sun !" Said the cowpony, obliterating the tree-house's door before his bull disappeared. "Dragon ! Ya better fix that door, if ya don't want all of dem horses coming in !"
In fact, dem horses were coming. The bull was faster than them, but only that much. So Spike, with his number one assistant experience, quickly fixed the door, even put a lock on it. And locked it.
This was a very confusing day for Sheriff Lonestar.
Chapter Six, or 1.5 episodes in a chapter
It all happened very fast. Spike fixed the door, fainted from exhaustion, and soon Twilight would be lecturing her friends. Who were inside the library for some reason. That was indeed a very confusing day for Lonestar. But he had to focus, since there still were almost a hundred ponies trying to break in. It wasn't so hard, since they had fragile hooves, not adaptated to combat like Lonestar's. Things were getting a little bit worrying when they started climbing the tree. They were about to open the windows ! They would rush in, and the amount of ponies would make it hard to breath, they would walk on each other, they-
And it all stopped. Nothing came from the windows. The tree wasn't trembling anymore. There were no more tickets. "Now I'll be damned," declared Lonestar. "Don't tell me that dang party of snobs made that much of a fuss."
Everypony turned to him. He was about to be lectured. And that would suck. Fortunately, Spike burped, and a scroll appeared. "A letter from the princess ?" Asked Twilight. "That was fast".
Spike read it aloud. "My faithful student Twilight, why didn't you just say so in the first place ?" He paused. "It has six tickets to the Grand Gallopping Gala".
They cheered in an uncomforting way, making Lonestar back off to the door, exiting silently the library. After closing the door, he saw an unexpected pony facing him : Voltar the omniscient. "Guten abend," he said. "I just received a message from vhe princess. Wir haben secht tickets to a party called vhe Grand Galloping Gala". Lonestar sighed. Now he had to meet the stuck-up nobles too.
-Super duper transition to later. As in a couple of days later.-
Celestia wasn't lying. They were given a mansion. A big, rich mansion. And the ten thousand bits too. "Ve now have zwei solutions," said Voltar. "Eivher ve use it all to make solar, vich vill be enough to fuel ten per cent of vhat ve need ... eivher we use it visely to survive in ein urban society". Though they wanted to go back to their killing duty, they had to give a good impression to the locals. So they choose to save that money for later, instead of making solar immediately.
"Now who's gonna watch dem girls ?" Asked Lonestar. "Ah already did mah turn, and ah say ya'll have to pass too."
No one batted an eye. But Leon volunteered, and everyone lost their mind. Well, not really, but it was still a surprise. "Ich sehe wir haben ein volunteer," said Voltar. "Gut, gut ... vhen ve vill try to make more money vhile you're out. Good luck, chameleon."
-Later, Ponyville-
Everypony was having a normal day. They hadn't seen any of the crazed stallions from the Summer Sun Celebration, so they assumed they were gone. Little did they know, one of them was amongst them. Leon remained cloaked during his entire day. Until he met one of his charges, the orange pony living in the orchard. He appeared right behind a big red earth pony with a green apple as a cutie mark. "Bonjour." He said, expecting a surprised answer. He got a very surprised answer. Too surprised.
Applejack was discussing with her brother, Big Macintosh. They were conversing about how he hurt himself, and how she could or couldn't handle the entire applebucking season. She felt confident. However, she still was aware, and when she saw a green pony pop up behind her brother, she did the first thing her brain told her to. She screamed, and Big Macintosh spinned, bucking whoever was behind him. And it hurt. Hard.
Leon was now on a tree. Skolldir bashed harder, but it still hurt. So he took a moment to relax, then jumped of his tree ... landing face first on the ground. Stupid pony body.
"Huh, sorry fer that," said Applejack, who rushed along Big Macintosh. "Thought ya were some kind of pale pony of death." She chuckled. "We're both very sorry fer that, aren't we Big Mac ?"
"Eeyup" said the big earth pony above Leon. Still smaller than Clunk, though. Leon got back on his hooves.
"I appreciate," he said. "Now, you were talking about somezing ... intéressant. What is zat applebucking season you seem to value so much ?"
Applejack was about to speak up, but Big Macintosh said first "Now hang on, ah don't want no apple thieves knowing our secrets. Tell me who ya are first."
"Mais bien entendu." said Leon, gazing firmly at the one who bucked him up. "I am Leon Chameleon, personal bodyguard of ze Elements of Harmony." Obviously Big Macintosh wouldn't believe that. But a nod from his sister reassured him, so he decided to let it go. For this time.
"Now about the applebucking season," said Applejack. "It's that part of the year when we harvest dem apples, we buck trees and fill baskets to sell the finest merchandise in Equestria ! However, Big Mac here hurt himself, so ah'll do the bucking this year."
That took Leon aback. He looked at the orchard, then back at Applejack. "Not to insinuate zat you are incompétente, quite the opposite actually, but are you certaine you can do zis all by yourself ?" She nodded, a very serious look on her face, and left.
Big Macintosh stepped towards him and declared "Don't try reasoning with her. She can be quite the stubborn one when she wants do". And he proceeded to leave too, leaving Leon to go find something else to do. A bodyguard's work wasn't so hard after all.
Cloaked again, he was on his way to the marketplace, when the ground started rumbling. There definitely weren't any earthquakes in this country, so what could it be ? A simple word, screamed by several ponies altogether, answered his question : "STAMPEDE !" There would finally be some action here. He saw a bunch of cows coming in his direction. He just had to wait. A single tongue snatch, and they would all be grouped, not causing any more damage. Any second now.
But before he could do anything, the orange farmpony from earlier jumped on one of the cows, yee-hawing like Lonestar would have back in the days. Soon, the cows were all tamed. One of them spoke up, much to Leon's surprise. He definitely had to ask Voltar exactly what was sapient and what wasn't.
Unfortunately, he had agreed with the others that he would stay in Ponyville until a major incident happened. So he followed everypony in the town's movements, in order to find a reason to go back to the mansion. It wouldn't take that long.
-One week later-
It actually DID take that long. Nothing, NOTHING happened during this entire week, and the stampede was declared to be a 'minor incident' by Voltar. Since there really was nothing to do, Leon decided to join the party that was held for Applejack. Nothing better to do, anyway. Most ponies recognized him and tried to avoid him, but he didn't mind. He was simply here to taste the town's cheese. He would sell his kingdom for cheese, if he had one. He still listened to Twilight when she did her speech. Well, tried to, at least, since she was constantly interrupted. Then came the moment for Applejack to be personally thanked by the population.
"Cool ! Way to go Applejack," said Spike. "That was awesome ! I mean ... heh." She was nowhere to be found. "Awkward."
She finally got up to the stage. Her eyes seemed to be focusing on ... well staying open. "I'm here. I'm here." She said, yawning. "Sorry I'm late."
Leon always had his ways with the ladies, meaning he had to know exactly what they were thinking about. And jauging Applejack's face, he could say she hadn't slept for days. When she finished her speech, she slowly dragged her award for stopping a stampede from destroying Ponyville, going back to the orchard. It wouldn't take a genius to say that something was definitely wrong. Leon decided to follow her. He felt like a stalker for a second, but remembering he was, he moved on.
Twilight was there too. He eavesdropped their conversation, and deduced two things from it : the first one was that Applejack was very serious about her applebucking season. The second one was that ponies were drunk when they were tired. Just great. Apparently, the rainbow maned one had an appointment with her farmer friend. Things got interesting when the former was launched up in the air, towards the hospital. Leon decided it was enough, and that Applejack needed a serious talk. He uncloaked, and walked towards her.
"May I have your attention for a moment, mademoiselle ?" He said, in a calm but strict tone.
"Must go to Sugarcube Corner. Must help Pinkie Pie." Was all she said. Since she wasn't even listening, he decided to cloak back and keep following her. Who knows, maybe she would cause a disaster that would be a sufficient reason to switch 'Nauts for the bodyguard duty. Applejack arrived at the bakery, and was greeted by a mare and a stallion that Leon didn't recognize. Apparently, they were the owners of Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie and Applejack began baking. Well, Pinkie did at least, but what Applejack was putting in the mixture made Leon exit the building urgently to throw up. It seemed like they were making muffins out of these ... things. "Mon Dieu," he said, "They killed us all !"
He was fairly certain this couldn't get worse. It did. To forget what he just saw, he took a bit of fresh air in the Everfree forest, slicing up incoming timberwolves while doing it. Upon going back to Ponyville, he noticed that something was odd. Little bunnies were roaming freely in the town, but most of all, ponies were screaming. Only three of them, but they were as loud as an entire population living the apocalypse. Enough was enough. No more talking, Applejack needed to stop. Anything. She was doing right now.
Twilight was there again, lecturing the farmpony. "Now Applejack," she said, "I completely respect the Apple family ways. You're always there to help anypony in need, so maybe you can put your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you."
"Ah, no, no no no, ah don't need no help, no no no ..." she replied. And it was the last straw. What looked like an adhesive pink rope grabbed her and pulled her towards a green stallion. "Woah Nelly ! Oh, I'm flyin' ..." she said. Leon's left hoof turn yellow, sparkled ... and ended up straight in Applejack's face.
"Are we done yet ?!" Asked Leon, ready to do it again if he had to. She nodded. "Listen up, girl. Or you're head being électrocutée will be the second worst thing that happens to you today." He took a dramatical pause for the effect. Then he pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash. "Your acts have already hurt our ponies ..." she waved at Applejack with her right hoof. Her left one was apparently down. Leon continued "You've seen what you've done to our citizens !" This time he pointed his hoof at the hospital. "And worst of all, the next one could be any one of us." Applejack looked at everypony present, seemingly all wearing the same stern and serious look. Leon turned to face the crowd "He could be in this very place !" He said, then turned back to Applejack. "It could be me ! It could be you ! It could even be-"
Thump.
Applejack was now lying on the ground, barely moving a limb. Everypony looked at her expectantly, some worried, some waiting. Finally, she opened her mouth and said one word before fainting from exhaustion : "Okay, mister."
Twilight was worried for a second. "Applejack ! Applejack, are you alright ?!" She said, until she heard her agree. "Applejack, you need medical atten- what ?" She was stunned. Her persuasion didn't work. Even this book she read about pony psychologie didn't help her. So she walked up to Leon and said the only thing she could think of. "How ?"
He just looked at her with pride and declared "A magician never reveals ses secrets." He then vanished in front of the crowd, like if he was trying to prove his point.
This was a very good day for Leon Chameleon, and he would finally have time to rest in the mansion.
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Chapter Seven, or after a week of procrastination
-Meanwhile in the Time Rift-
Picture a black room, with monitors everywhere, and ... hum ... ok, picture the TARDIS, except with a desk instead of the buttons.
K Psycho sat idly at his desk. He found it weird that he didn't bother to write any chapter during an entire week, and even weirder that he was narrating himself. "Dammit," he said, looking at one of his Matrix-like screens. "Why would I re-write episodes from the show ? It's boring, for both me and the reader(s) !" So he thought for a moment.
"That's it. Imma makin' a good, original aventure for the 'Nauts. Yeah, definitely. Back to work !" He said, as he used his author powers to change the scene.
-Meanwhile, in a giant mansion in the Everfree forest-
The mercs were idling. Not like an unusual hat was gonna fall on their or something, but they couldn't do anything, really. Princess Celestia decided that a bodyguard constantly watching over her faithful student would shorten the development of friendship. She asked the mercenaries' autoproclaimed leader, Voltar the omniscient, if he agreed with this, and in his complete inexperience in business, he accepted.
They wouldn't be paid anymore, since there was nothing else they could do. Crush, burn, exterminate, that was what they were good at. So they were out of job. Sure, they were extremely rich and wealthy, but they really missed their job : unstoppable killing, forever, without any possibility of permanent death. So they wandered.
One day, Clunk the noticeable - which was an understatement since he was almost as tall as Celestia herself - went in town to buy food. Not like they needed it, the healing wave of Voltar fed, too, but Leon was constantly complaining about the lack of 'Rafeenay' food. While stomping through the market place, Clunk noticed a big board, relatively new. On it, a single poster, that immediately grabbed his attention, as much by the face printed on it than by what was written :
'WANTED : Foalnapper, Thief. REWARD : 30.000 bits'
-Later, in Ponyville-
The Mayor had a lot of work. She was the busiest mare in the entire town, actually, since the bane of bureaucracy awaited her everyday : paperwork. She expected the usual, ponies buying land, ponies selling land, ponies renting land ... however, what she did not expect, was somepony to volunteer for the Big White Board's mission. A malefic unicorn, calling himself 'Dark Shadow' - Worst. Name. Ever. - recently foalnapped a bunch of ... eh, foals. The entire town started panicking : this never happened before ! ... well, maybe it did, but after so many years of peace, no one expected any crime to happen. The foals would have been lost, if another unicorn, didn't have the time to hear where Dark Shadow was taking them : the Everfree forest. That one Everfree forest, that no one dared to approach.
The criminal scum also gave a price : if a thousand bits were put in a bag near the cottage at the entrance of the forest, the foals would come back safe and sound. Unfortunately, Ponyville being the poor town it was, couldn't afford that amount. So they waited for a classic bar hero to present himself. They didn't get one, but six heroes. And they were ready to kick butts and chew tobacco. ... actually, forget about the tobacco.
After a few negociations, mainly consisting of "Are you sure you're strong enough" and "Yeah, now let us go", our six protagonists bravely defied danger, wherever it was hiding. And out of all the hideaways they saw, this one wasn't really hidden. Right after they stepped into the forest, they saw the old castle where they fought the shadow ponies, with a jolly roger flag yelling 'HAI WI R HEER' to everypony on it. Without any hesitation, they stepped in, the door closing behind them.
"Finally, you came, citizens of Ponyville ..." said a muffled voice from inside. "I hope you have the money, otherwise you'll never ever see your precious fo-"
A dynamite to the face rudely interrupted him, as he cowered back, letting a girly scream ring through the castle. "Yeah, ah heard dem villain speech tons o' time already !" Said the pegasus responsible for his demise.
He got back on his hooves, and yelled "Seize them !" But nothing happened. Taking a look around, he noticed all of his associates ran like hay as fast as possible. The leader of the group facing him floated forward. Yes, floated, as in, no hooves. His head wasn't very reassuring neither, since he was a basically a three-eyed brain in a glass bulb.
"Ve can do this vhe easy way." He said, despite not having any mouth. "You can eivher give uns vhe foals, and come with uns in town so you can have a judgement."
Dark Shadow drew a cocky grin, the foals behind him surrounded by a black aura. "Or else ?" He said, taking a step backwards. "I've got hostages, if you try anything, they die !" He felt confident for the first time since these weird ponies entered the castle.
Voltar just laughed. In his machiavelic, german voice. No offense. "Ah, nein, nein, nein nein ... alas, mein Freund, would you mind showing me vhese powers of yours ?" He hovered forwards. Dark Shadow frowned, the aura becoming more intense. "Ich habe already analyzed your magical strengvh." Said Voltar, a small hovering eye-bot coming from his cloak. "Vhey are close to vhis filly's." the bot floated towards a white coated foal.
Dark Shadow stopped. His hooves stopped. His entire body stopped. His darkest secret was revealed : he sucked at magic. A lot. But he couldn't let go now : he was so close to becoming rich enough to enslave every unicorn he met ! He was going to be a big pony, high in society, the type of villain you only meet once in a blue moon. "You've got me this time ..." he declared, all of his confidence back in a blink of an eye. "BUT I'LL BE BA-"
BLAM
"Clunk is annoyed by little black pony." Said the bulky earth pony who's heavy hoove landed on Dark Shadow. "So little annoying pony will remain silent for entire trip".
"I feel pe pack !" Repeated the unicorn, who lost half of his teeth.
This was a good day for the Awesomenauts, but little did they know, a Draca- a Drago- a Drak- SCREW THIS, Discord was lurking in the dark, watching them cautiously. "So much chaos," he muttered under his breath. "At least it was enough to free me ... now what evil deeds could I do ?" He layed on his back, a sofa appearing out of nowhere. "Let's see ... kill them all ? Nah, overused ..." he took notes of his ideas. "Spread corruption ? ... mmh, nah, boring, nothing exciting happens when ponies are corrupted." He flipped through his notebook, finally finding an entertaining concept. "Ha-ha ! There ! 'Create an evil castle of evil with minions everywhere, occasional mini-bosses and me as the final boss of it, then foalnap the Elements of Harmony, then wait for these crazed ponies to try and save them !' This is perfect ! And there will be so much chaos !"
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Chapter Eight, or a typical Mario Bros kidnapping
Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's most prized student, owner of the Element of Magic, and third biggest egghead in the universe, the second one being Voltar and the first Hawkins, was having a most pleasant day. But good things don't last long, as while she was re-shelving her library, a dust cloud appeared, revealing a being that long was imprisoned : Discord, the Spirit of Chaos. "Hello !" He said, a bowtie and a fez materializing on his body. "I'm Discord. Basically ..." his accessories disappeared, replaced by sunglasses. "... come with me if you want to live." He declared, his voice sounding more ... metallic.
Of course, Twilight knew nothing of the Internet, and instead of calling her friends for help as the original script - which I ripped off - said, aimed her horn at Discord. Yep, she tried to defeat the God of Chaos. With her magic. Needless to say, that didn't work, and Discord simply yawned, before snapping his fingers, teleportating Twilight with him. And, like in any stereotype piece of fiction, she blacked out, simple as that.
-Later, Ponyville-
It was Froggy G's turn to buy food in town. And he didn't want to. Unfortunately, his disapproval was welcomed by a suit of events leading him straight to RESPAWN. So he accept, under the condition that he could get whatever he wanted from the shop. However, when he arrived, he did not expect to see a panicked mob around the library. Tornado-ing his way through the crowd like a baws, he saw a piece of paper stuck on the door, reading :
'I have the Elements of Harmony. If you want to see them again, bring your best warriors to the heart of the Everfree forest, send them to my castle ( you can't miss it, really, it's big and flashy ), and show me your skiills in the numerous trials I have placed.
-Discord
P.-S. : Tell Tia I said hi'
This day was getting less boring for The Frog. After stealing ( since nopony was guarding them ) hay fries, he headed back to the manor, ready to announce the quest to his partners in crime.
-Later again, Canterlot, throne room-
"THE ELEMENTS ARE WHAT ?!"
It has been a while since Celestia hadn't used the Royal Canterlot Voice, and, seeing how the messenger in front of her was sent flying to a wall, she got the confirmation of how strong it was again. But she didn't care, as she was really, REALLY pissed off. As said previously in the story but to remind the reader in case he's got a short memory, the Elements of Harmony were foalnapped by Discord, the Spirit of Chaos. Of course, she would have to ask how he escaped in the first place, but there was no time right now, so she decided to fetch her personnal guard to rescue her most faithful student.
"Hank on, prinzess !" Said the messenger, some teeth missing from the crash. "Shixsh shtallionj haf already voluntsheered for Dishcord'j requesht, and are on feir way to fe Everfree Foresht !"
She stopped. Rapidly, she thought of all the ponies in Ponyville. Vinyl Scratch ? No, she was a hard rock DJ, but she knew next to nothing about fighting. Big Macintosh ? Even if his sister was taken, he still had a farm to run. Time Turner ? He was a mystery to all, and though he proved himself to be unpredictible, he wasn't seen anywhere near Ponyville for ages. Celestia finally gave up and asked the messenger "Who is brave enough to engage Discord ?"
The messenger, after unsuccessfuly trying to snap his jaw back, replied "Shixsh shtallionj, I shaid, the firsht one waj a unicorn wif a glash bulb for a head and three eyej, the shec-"
This was enough for Celestia. Some of her doubts were confirmed : of course, who else would be crazy enough to try and fight Discord on their own ? She disappeared in a bright flash, leaving the messenger to her best surgeons. Without the Elements, nothing could seal the God of Chaos. So she packed the royal treasure, and went to the Everfree Forest.
-Meanwhile, in a very dark and spooky forest-
The 'Nauts were already deep in the forest, since nothing, NOTHING could stop them. Not even a cockatrice, as they were immune to its stare for some random reason I won't explain. Or maybe because they're cyborgs. Or cyponies ? That works too. Before too long, they were here. In front of them, proudly stood a giant atrocity of a fortress. I mean, people can have their own tastes in colors, but who would make bright green walls ?! Discord did, and it looked like vomit ( sorry if you were eating while reading ).
Since they couldn't see any kind of front door, they blew up the wall. For some reason, Froggy G didn't look at the explosion. Strangely, the very wall they blasted to pieces seemed to lead to a main entrance. There was a set of two doors. They stood there for a moment, thinking about what to do. "Clunk says we go left." Said ... Clunk.
"Nah, I say we go right." Said Yuri. Thus began another argument between the 'Nauts.
Until a weird neutral voice said "The 'Nauts came to set of two doors. The 'Nauts took the door on their left." Voltar decided to spliit the group in two, like any horror movie noob would. Left went Clunk, Lonestar and Froggy G. Right went Voltar, Yuri and Leon.
-Clunk's group-
"The 'Nauts ended up in meeting room, with a pointless broom closet next to it, which was firmly locked so some stupid achievement hunter wouldn't bother me with it." Said the voice once again. It belonged to Discord, but they didn't know that, and nor did you. The Spirit of Chaos decided to waste the brain of this group, since they didn't look like they had much of it anyway. So he put a riddle on the only exit door of the meeting room : "When is a door not a door ?"
The 'Nauts thought for a moment. Until Clunk seemed to have been struck by a bolt of pure genius energy, and declared "Clunk knows answer ! Step back." Lonestar and Froggy G did.
Clunk's hoof opened, and a small rocket was sent from it, successfuly blasting the door to ... nothing. And that is why particle dissociating rockets are best rockets. "Door is not door when door is blown up." Said triumphantly Clunk, moving on. This might have been a bad idea to try to reason with feather brained mercenaries, but it was worth a shot. Kinda. Discord decided to place an endless staircase, similar to the one in Super Mario 64, to focus on the other group of mercenaries. Hopefully, they would be more open minded.
-Yuri's group-
"The 'Nauts were so bad at following directions, it was a miracle they weren't fired years ago." Said Disc- the voice. NOT Discord. No fake.
"Who are you calling bad at following directions ?!" Yelled Yuri angrily.
"He's provocating you, Dummkopf." Said Voltar. "Ve should focus on vhis corridor. Ich mean, doesn't it look a bit too terrian for a Spirit of Chaos's fortress ?" The walls and the ceiling were indeed made of wood, while the floor was made of ... wood. Yeah.
At the end of the corridor, the 'Nauts met with a wonderfuly simple door. Except it was locked. Damn. On it was a sheet of paper, reading 'What is the answer ?'
"An interesting Frage," declared Voltar. "Vhis asks uns vhat vhe Antwort ist, however, ve veren't asked any question. I vonder ..." they stood there for a minute, thinking deeply. Discord was satisfied. The answer to his glorious and well thought riddle was '42', and nothing else, but nopony could know. They would be stuck here for hours, eventually going mad, and-
"Starite." Said Leon. A clicking noise was heard, and the door was no longer locked. "Allons-y, now !" Said the green earth pony, followed by his comrades. Discord's jaw dropped. Literally. Twice. This wasn't supposed to happen. Apparently, these years of seducing terrians were rewarding for Leon, as he learned a thing or two.
-Meanwhile again, the fortress's entrance-
Celestia was finally there. Not that teleporting took her long, but she had to convince Luna that everything was going to be fine, even though the Elements of Harmony's lives were now in the hooves of either the God of Chaos or six crazed murderous mercenaries. Entering the building after considering the big hole that could be called a door, she was welcomed by a voice she hoped never to hear again. "If it isn't Celestia ! Life in stone was so boring, I swear ! How have you been ?"
She wasn't amused. "Release the Elements this instant." She ordered.
She felt Discord's smirk, even if she couldn't see it. "I politely decline your offer, Princess" he said. "These hostages bring so much chaos to this land, it is so exciting ! No no no, I can't, really, my sincere apologies, your majesty."
"Then be so." Said Celestia, entering the fortress. She wasn't greeted by a set of two doors, but by a single door, reading '437'. Determined to rescue her most faithful student, she opened it.
"All of her dearest subjects were gone," said Discord in a neutral, narrative tone. "What could it mean ?"
This was the beginning of a long day for Princess Celestia.
Chapter Nine, or where stuff happens
-Somewhere in Discord's disgustingly flashy fortress-
"Let us out you scum !" Yelled a rainbow maned pegasus. ... it's Rainbow Dash, in case you don't get it. In fact, 'scum' was the appropriate term, as Discord was now wearing a cap backwards and a hood. He walked towards her in the most relaxed manner a 12 years old rapper wannabe would, and raised a finger.
"You're sayin' that 'cos I'm black, huh ?" He said, sounding offended in the most ridiculous tone possible. Of course, nopony got the joke, and they just tilted their head to the side. "Incults !" Declared Discord, before vanishing into thin air.
This left the girls into their dark, horrible, filthy cell, and- wait, that's not my script ... ? Where can- oh, there it is. Ahem ... this left the girls into a disco room full of winged pigs and llamas with hats. "Alright," said Twilight, after assuring one of the llamas that the dead furless primate was, in fact, murdered by the other llama, standing near her. "Girls, we need to escape. The question is : how ?" No answer.
An awkward silence - if 60's disco can be considered silent - filled the room, until a loud bang was heared. In fact, a water splashing typhon had completely desintegrated a wall, and three stallions walked proudly through it. "Clunk likes this plan." Said ... Clunk, if I'm right, which I always am. They kept walking, until Froggy G stopped, making Lonestar bump into him, which subsequently made Clunk bump into Lonestar. "Why is frog stopping ?" Asked Clunk, who didn't even feel bumping into Lonestar.
Froggy G said nothing. Instead, he drew his water gun 3000 and pointed it to a wall. "Who dares ..." he said, aiming at the wall in front of him, charging a hundred shots. "PLAY SUCH LAME MUSIC IN MY PRESENCE, YO !" He then fired all hundred and one of his shots. Though water normally has trouble piercing through hardened steel, due to MY logic, which is better than yours, Einstein, three walls were immediately obliterated by such brute force.
The walls' dripping remains revealed a room full of dancing llamas, pigs, and six stunned mares. Actually, make it five, as Rainbow Dash was busy calculating how awesome this situation just got. A blur dashed through the crowd, which wasn't really caring, and dealt a BRAVE PUNCH to the disc jockey, ate the discs on the platines, then put his own on. Every ... pony ... THING in the room started dancing at the new beat, performing obscene moves I won't bother describing for the sake of 'everyone' rating.
In the middle of this chaos, Discord appeared, looking seriously pissed. "You wanna play it like that ? We'll play it like that !" He said, snapping his fingers, successfully de-spawning the platines and speakers. He snapped his fingers once again, and a giant screen appeared on the surface of a nearby wall. A human presentator appeared.
"EPIC RAP BATTLE OF EQUESTRIA !" Said the random guy. "DISCORD !" He said, pointing at the master of chaos, who already had sunglasses on for no reason at all. "VERSUS !" He shouted, this time pointing at Froggy G. "THE FROOOOOOOOOOOG !"
Meanwhile, the mane six stared at the beggining of a Celestia knows how boring rap battle. "Darling," said Rarity. " Aren't we here to escape ?"
Twilight stared at the remains of the wall ... to find that the wall was back. "Not yet. Besides, we need the elements to definitely stop Discord."
-Meanwhile, not so far away-
"Did you hear that ?" Asked Yuri. Leon and Voltar shook their head. "It's my stomach," he said. "And it asks for food."
Voltar sighed, and produced a banana out of nowhere. Yuri took it, and started peeling it, but when he was almost done, both the banana and his jaw dropped on the floor. The same happened to Leon. Voltar, knewing well the kind of things this meant, turned around, and spoke. "Guten Abend, princess."
"Salutations, Voltar." Said Celestia, turning to a wall. Her horn glew, and flames that would make Satan jealous erupted from it, incinerating four walls, revealing a room full of drunk llamas and pigs, Discord, and Froggy G, apparently in a poem duel, except less poetic. Celestia, Voltar, Leon and Yuri charged in.
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Chapter One, or how not to confuse the readers
Space. Not a frontier at all, since creatures from all over the galaxy are travelling through it at the present time. Though it may look like tons of factions are ruling it, two control it : Red Corp. And Blue Inc. After a prototype of the RESPAWN ( Reanimation Emulation Software for Preserving Authorized Weaponery and Neurons ) was found on the planet Earth, in the Badlands more specifically, the all out war could happen without breaking any of the Universal Rules of Safety in Space ( or URSS ). Each faction recruited some mercenaries, because there was no point in continually reviving useless cowards. Admiral Crank McJibber, leader of Blue Inc., decided to send six of his most valued mercenaries to the currently richest planet in solar : Ribbit IV. Little did he know, that both him and his mercenaries would remember that day ... not forever, but for long, that was sure. "Colonel McHulotte," he called through his mic. "I need you to report as soon as possible !" After taking a sip from his glass of a mysterious liquid that surely only he could drink without waking up three days later with a giraffe in his bed, the elevator's doors open, revealing a fascinating alien creature that I won't describe because of how small my imagination is.
"You asked, sir ?" Said the newcomer.
"Yes, Colonel," replied the former. "I want you to send our six best mercenaries to Ribbit IV !"
McHulotte looked slightly confused, and replied "But sir, you already asked us to send them to space coordinates 42, 9001, 69 an hour ago !" And McJibber stared.
Blue Inc. Was now panicked. Six of their best mercenaries were lost in space, because one stupid colonel misinterpretated orders. Drones were sent at 42, 9001, 69, space coordinates, but no sign of the previously launched rocket was found. Little did they know, that an all-powerful and massive troll of a God created a wormhole at that precise moment in this precise location. Where could the mercenaries be now ? WHERE ELSE ?
-Meanwhile, In Ponyville-
Today was a good day for the Ponyvillians. Summer Sun Celebration was coming soon, and nothing too strange happened. Time Turner was nowhere to be found, but nothing else really happened. It really was a good day to be a Ponyvillian. But did I ever say it would be ... a good night ? Let's make a nice transition to, let's say, 10:00PM. Lyra was having a good night so far, too good. That is, until a bright flash scared her almost to death. And this was an understatement, compared to the other citizens of Ponyville. As soon as it began, it ended, leaving a hundred ponies to sleep with anxiety of what just happened to them. Except for Pinkie Pie, who, despite the 300 db, ear breaking, death metal fan deafening sound piercing through the sky, didn't bat an eye, muttering "What a horrible night to have a curse" under her breath, probably without noticing it.
-Meanwhile again, in the crashing site, Everfree Forest-
Voltar was having a good day. He would use technology to beat the living crap out of Red Corp's mercs and come back home to mock Swiggins's tastes in drinks. However, what he did not expect was all the lights to black out at the same moment, and his rocket to stop moving. "Vell, vhat's different," he began. "Not anyvhing technology can't overcome, vhough". And he was right. Taking a step ( or a float ) out, he noticed two things. First, he wasn't in Ribbit IV at all. The air was way too pure. Second of all, he was dying, and though RESPAWN certainly still worked, it wasn't the most pleasant feeling, he rushed back in the rocket. Closing the door behind him, he checked the data he collected about this planet. Apparently, in order to survive, he had to change his body to a more ... equine shape. "Sehr, sehr interessant," he declared. "but if ich must adapt myself to survive, vhen ..." if a three-eyed brain could smirk, he would. He finally had a justified opportunity to use technology on his comrades.
After four hours of constant working, he finally made it. All of his teammates look like horses. All of them waked up together. And all of them seemed particularly pissed off. "What in tarnation did ya do, brainy ?!" Asked a brown coated pegasus with a blue mane and a ten-gallon hat, not shivering under the gaze of the three-eyed white unicorn who apparently had his face replaced with a glass bulb inside which an idle brain peacefully floated.
"I adaptated your body to make it resistant to this planet's conditions" answered Voltar.
"And why would yo have that totally gay horn, bro ?" Asked a light blue coated, brown maned pegasus with yellow sunglasses.
"Because unicorns are pretty," answered once again Voltar. "Do you seriously vish to confirm alle die stereotypes about frogs ?" He simply received a grunt from the pegasus.
"Clunk has question too," said a bulky grey coated earth pony with a white mane and seemingly glowing yellow eyes. "Why did you say that team had to adapt to planet ? Ribbit IV has nothing wrong" this earned everypony present a blink. It was relevant information, but most of all, it came from Clunk !
"You are asking a very intelligent question," replied Voltar "In fact, ve are nicht on Ribbit IV at all : vhis planet isn't located, and ve have to find a vay back, since all of our solar resources vere used to sustain." A relatively long silence followed, broken by a small, beige unicorn with a red mane
"I CAN TALK ! Without that useless computer device ! Holy mother of Russia, that feels good. Anyway, egghead, tell me, does the RESPAWN still work ?" He asked.
"Ja" replied Voltar, still surprised to see that his operation gave vocal chords to Yuri. "Une dernière chose," asked a green coated earth pony with a yellow mane. "Doez our capacités still work ?" Voltar paused for a moment, before summoning a healbot.
"Ja too," he said. "All of our capacities are fully vorki-" a giant explosion, succesfully blasting him to pieces, stopped his speech.
"And that's for turning me into one of dem horses !" Victoriously said the texan pegasus. From the center of the room erupted a small capsule, from which a seemingly annoyed three-eyed unicorn emerged.
"As I vas saying," he started, eyeing cautiously Lonestar, who just taught him what not to do the hard way. "Ve aren't on Ribbit IV at all, and if ve vant to go back to our base, I vill need solar. Viele solar." This earned a few worried look from his comrades. "Fortunately, ve have gluck : vhis planet's dominant species are horses, more specifically, ponies, vhey are intelligent, and even have civilization, so here is vhe plan : ve meet vhis civilization, make money vhich I'll turn into solar and use to go back in our galaxy ! How does vhis sound ?" They all agreed to follow Voltar's plan - he was the egghead after all - and left the rocket, going to the nearest village, occasionally blasting, slashing or burning every hostile creature on their way.
This was a good day to be a god.