Chapters Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
(A/N: Picture does not match description of Pipsqueak, I couldn't find a gentlecolt version of it. So I chose a pirate ;_;. Whatevs, enjoy.)
Celestia sighed as the head of her personal security smacked his hoof against the table. "Princess! You have to take him seriously! He's vandalized over 30 shops and businesses and he's been cited on numerous occasions to be seen indecently in public! He's an absolute loon!"
Celestia only smiled. "He may be a complete loon, but he's funny if you ask me." She was still laughing internally at the stunt he pulled in Lower Manehattan.
Aquillus only snorted. "I'd say putting a massive eye patch on the Statue of Harmony was a serious crime but". He made a shrugging motion.
Celestia merely sighed and rolled her eyes. "Oh calm down Aquillus! I don't think we should be taking him too seriously! I mean all he's been doing is playing pranks and such! He reminds me of a certain pink filly." She sighed as nostalgia overtook her.
Aquillus grunted. "Celestia i'm only doing this for your protection! He's an unruly vagabond! We don't know when or where he'll strike! You've seen how unpredictable he is! Hooflin, Prance, Trottingham, San Burneighdeno! And even in Canterlot! All in a matter of weeks! I don't know how he does it but he does!"
Celestia meanwhile had been trying her hardest not to laugh at the memories of each incident.
Failing to do so, she guffawed long and hard. "Come now Aquillus! Even he's smart enough not to crash the Galla! It's the single biggest event in Equestria! There'll be guards from even Gerpony attending! And everypony knows that no one messes with them."
He gave her a dead-stare. "That's what you said about the Annual Guard's March! and he had his stallions pelt us with pies and paint bombs!"
The Annual Guard's March was a celebration and commemoration of all the ponies serving in Her Majesty's Service. They would gather in accordance to their rank and army, Naval to Marine to Air Force, and they would parade through the streets of Canterlot. This particular year however, a certain self-titled 'pirate' and his merry men had come from the crowd in a quite organized flash mob and pelted the partitioners in a massive barrage.
Celestia still remembered how he swooped down from a building and landed on her Float as he shouted "FOOOD FIGHT!" Prompting the crowd as well as the soldiers to partake in a massive fight lasting the whole day. It had finally been shut down when reinforcements from Gerpony and Prance had arrived late in the evening, but by this time the initiators had fled the scene.
Celestia still chuckled when she remembered how easily he had made buffoons out of even the most decorated of Detectives.
And with that last ditty, she got out of her chair and walked away. "Like I said, even he doesn't have the audacity to crash the Galla! You're worrying too much!"
What Celestia didn't see when she turned around was Aquillus's mischievous grin.
=======================================================================================
He had been playing Tarot with a couple of his men when he got the call.
All clear boss. She didn't even have a clue!
He smiled as he got out of his chair, all around him his men lazed around due to lack of activity. The small tavern was filled with smoke and drunken laughter as the boys celebrated yet another pranking success. Suddenly he hopped up on the stage and shouted.
"ALRIGHT BOYOS! I'VE JUST GOT WORD FROM OUR INSIDE MAN THAT THE BIG BIRD DOESN'T SUSPECT A THING!" He smiled as cheers echoed through the cobblestone walls.
"Who's ready to crash us a party?!?" he asked, and was satisfyingly greeted by a rowdy cheer.
"This time we'll be dealing with the upper crust of society! Those who are so stuck in their ways they might as well be stone! This time we're pulling all the stops! LET'S TURN THAT PARTY INTO A CARNIVAL OF FUN!"
Another, louder roar of laughter accompanied him as he hopped off stage and grabbed his trusty top hat.
"C'mon girls and boys! Come one, come all! To Pipsqueak's Circus of Fun !"
HOORAH! Hoorah! To fun we are called! Throw cakes and pies and spray and burn down!
"Come on you lot! I can't hear you! Why do we do this?"
To spread the smiles! To spread the cheer! To let the foals play!
"Oh come now! That rhythm doesn't make any sense!"
Why does it have to?!?
"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!"
~~~~
"Hello! Thank you for coming to the Grand Galloping Galla!" Celestia stood at the top of the double spiral staircase greeting all the attendees of the Gala with a soft smile. Inside she was groaning though. The greetings were purely ceremonial. Actually, the whole Galla was ceremonial. All anypony did was sip their drinks and mingle for the night. Everypony attending was from the Upper Echelons of society, from nieces to nephews, from bankers to barons and back again. Everypony was so stiff, so formal.
It was times like this that Celestia would revert back into herself, she would let the world slide as she thought and imagined 'the glory days'.
After about 2 straight hours of greeting ponies, a guard notified her that all the attendees were present and that he main play of the night was about to being.
Sighing with relief, she made her way to the Solaris Hall where the play 'a midwinter night's dream' was being held.
"Here's your seat Princess." Notified a guard as he pulled back her seat in the skybox.
Celestia sighed contently, two hours on her hooves killed her. It was nice to finally sit back and enjoy a show, especially since it heralded the end of a night she so thoroughly dreaded.
"Show time." She mused silently as she waited for the chatter and noise of the partitioners to quiet down.
~~~~
"Whew!" He said as his men finally rounded up and gagged the remainder of the actors.
"Boss! We're all set!" Called one of men from the rafters.
"Alright boys n girls! It's show time!" he replied his merry men as the stage was lifted.
======
Celestia had been waiting eagerly for the play to begin. As she curtains lifted however, she was met with a surprise. A large gaunt stallion stood at the front of the stage, all around him, mares and stallions with bandannas and eye patches, fake peg legs and vests not seen since the Pirate Era were holding instruments, large grins on their faces.
The stallion in question, was wearing nothing but a single large Top hat, it was adorned with multiple ribbons of different fabrics. Even though she wasn't a tailor, she could see that amongst the multiple colors of the spectrum adorned on his hat, there was silk, velvet, nylon, you name it, it was there.
He was holding his hat down with a single hoof, just far enough to cover his eyes, but not far enough to cover his grin.
And he spoke, his voice filled with joy as it resounded off the marble halls.
"GOOD EVENING MARES AND GENTLECOLTS! WELCOME TO PIPSQUEAK'S CARNIVAL!" At once the characters on stage began going wild, doing cartwheels and back flips, jumping and free-running off walls.
Some put putting flaming sticks in their mouths and spewed flames. It was a carnival alright. A group of them began chasing one who had white face paint a huge clown afro.
The whole auditorium was struck speechless by this turn of events. Celestia herself was smiling uncontrollably. Suddenly, the ringmaster of the madness cleared his throat.
"Attention! Come on boys n' girls! Let's do what we came her to do!" And just like that, the ponies on stage holding instruments suddenly tensed and drew their instruments to their lips. Celestia counted an Accordion, two trumpets, a sax, a drum kit, a violin, and a Prench Horn.
And suddenly, the whole lot of them became silent as they readied themselves.
Celestia's insatiably wide grin grew even more as she watched them. "He actually did it!" She excitedly whispered, her soul laughing on the inside.
Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
Adventure 1: By faust he's done it again!
(A/N: What what? Two in one day? What madness is this?)
Pipsqueak cleared his throat.
"Bayam pam pam Bayam pam pam Bayam pam pam Barayambam" He began, the band just chuckled and followed his lead. Soon enough they were doing accapella.
"Oh wait! Wrong version! Nantes ponies! Nantes!" He said, the group began laughing.
Pipsqueak again cleared his throat.
"This is for our fair matron! Yeah i'm talkin' bout you up there girl!" He shouted pointing at Celestia, who mere raised a half questioning eyebrow.
The Accordion started them off
Pipsqueak tapped along to the beat. And when he sang, he surprised everypony...even more so.
"Well it's been a long time, long time now."
"Since I've seen you smile, eeile! And i'l gamble away my fright."
"And I'll gamble away, my time."
"And in a year, a year or so."
"This will slip into, the sea!"
"Well it's been a long time, long time now"
"Since i've seen you smile, eeile!"
He turned to the conglomerate behind him. "C'mon you scoundrels! Louder! More feeling!" He began to pseudo dictate like a maestro.
Celestia found herself swaying and smiling as the rag-tag bunch of loons played their hearts out. the attendees must have liked it too since they weren't rioting or throwing temper-tantrums.
"Nobody raise your voices! Just another night in Nantes! Nobody raise your voices! Just another night in Nantes!"
All of a sudden the sound of glass breaking brought Celestia out of her trance. In voices fit for gramophones, she heard the two couples arguing in Prench.
The gang onstage must not have known what was going on either because they started looking around.
"Ehe, ladies and gents, we might be experiencing some difficulties. Please excuse me for a second." He zoomed off stage, one hoof clutching his hat in fear of it flying off.
After a couple minutes, as well as a hodgepodge of ridiculous sounds including that of a rubber ducky, he came back covered in sweat.
"All done! Resume!" He boomed, and once again they all played in unison, drawing pretty much everypony there into a masterfully induced trance.
Sadly however, it sounded like they were rapping up as the music became drastically softer.
"Well it's been a long time, long time now. Since I've seen you smile! Aayle! And i'll gamble away my fright, and I'll gamble away, my time!"
A couple stallions had joined Pipsqueak in singing and the trio were now balancing out the three different octaves.
"And in a year, a year or so. This will slip into the sea! But it's been a long time, long time now! Since I've seen you smile! Aaeyle!"
As the band closed down, Pipsqueak lowered his hat until it was covering his chest. And to Celestia's great surprise and joy, the auditorium erupted in cheers and applause.
Good show mate!
Absolutely beautiful!
....Must....make...FASHION MODEL!
....I think I had an eargasm!
WHY HAVE I NEVER HEARD THESE PONIES BEFORE?!?
And so forth. Well, until the Prench and Gerpony guards showed up.
HALT! YOU ARE TRESSPAZING!
The large imposing Gerpony guard shouted.
There was audible silence.
"........Oh bugger."
~~~~~~~
What happened next, was nothing short of chaos.
"Saddle up gang we've overstayed our welcome!" Shouted Pipsqueak running offstage. The gang soon followed.
"Alright! All able bodied men and women run for your freedom! Those who can't, GO DOWN WITH A FIGHT! DEFEND YOUR HONOR AS A PIRATE!" He shouted maniacally.
Celestia heard the frightened and exasperated voice of a male stallion, most likely just out of puberty shout.
"ARE YOU INSANE?!?"
Pipsqueak looked at him with the craziest grin ever, his tattered hat, much akin to the Mad Hatter's flowing in the non-existant breeze as he swept about the room.
"That would depend upon your point of inquiry, now say if I was insane then would I do this?" He asked while walking over to a mare and up-skiritn her. Since ponies don't generally wear clothing, it was mostly much-a-do about nothing. But the sentiment still took effect. She shrieked and fainted into his hooves. He just gave her a queer look, a mixture of surprised and bewildered and dropped her.
"Well..I guess that explains it!" He shouted as he leapt into the air, just barely avoiding a guard who had charged from his backside.
Celestia however, had noticed something, the ragged looking group of pirates that had accompanied Pipsqueak had all but left, save for a single female mare doing combat with a guard. She was average height with a blonde mane and an orange coat.
Suddenly she heard shouting form a window adjacent to her.
"Sir! We've evacuated everypony! Meet us back at the ship if you get back alive!" And she looked to find a black stallion with a curly afro mane jumping out a side window, she guessed him to be the messenger.
Suddenly the single mare collapsed as the larger Gerpony guard knocked her upside the head. Celestia heard an audible gasp, and before she knew it, Pipsqueak was there, leaping from out of nowhere as he blocked the encrouchment of a group of 6 guards.
"HALT YE HEATHENS! YOU CALL YOURSELVES STALLIONS YET YOU DARE LAY HANDS ON A LADY! FOR SHAME!" He boomed. The group stopped their advancement for a moment, Celestia watched this play of sorts from her skybox, away from the pandemonium.
"You vere the ones who started it Dunkoff!" Said the big grey stallion, he was only about a centimeter taller than Pipsqueak, but he was a lot more menacing.
Pipsqueak seemed to mull this over for a minute.
"......Ah. You are correct my good man! And as the provocateur I am most ashamed of my actions and humbly ask of you my forgiveness. What's say we put this all behind us and move on with our lives ey?" He asked, the larger stallion guffawed, sending the rest of the guards into fits of laughter.
"You, you must be dreaming mein freund." The guard whipped away a tear, when he looked back, he saw the female pirate scrambling out a window, Pipsqueak below her giving her a boost.
This sent him into a fit of rage as he screamed and hollered "WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS WAITING FOR?!? AN INVITATION? AFTER THEM!" He shouted, snapping the guards back to attention as they raced at the now alone Pipsqueak.
"Ah. Much better, now it's just the two- oh scratch that, now it's just the legion of us." Replied Pipsqueak calmly as he turned around to face the roughly 40 highly trained soldiers who were all pointing ceremonial cutlasses and rapiers at him since actual weapons weren't allowed during ceremonies such as this.
"Any last words?" Sneered the guard.
Pipsqueak didn't reply. Instead he merely took off his top hat, reached into it, and threw down a smoke bomb.
"As much as I would like to stay and chat, I have business to attend to and a slight spar will delay me. Farewell gentlemen, it's been fun." Pipsqueak's phantom voice resounded off the halls. Celestia smiled, he had done it again. The master gentlecolt had done it again.
She thought that....until she as well as the now recovering guards saw his hindquarters as he finished climbing a particularly high window.
"Haha! And so I leave you tonight.....again.....in....shock...and....oh boy." He tapered off as he saw that the smoke bomb had dispersed, leaving all eyes clear...and focused on him.
"I vill give you 10 seconds to run before I personally bulldoze your corpse." Said the head Gerpony guard, steam coming out of his nostrils as he pawed the ground. Pipsqueak swallowed audibly.
"...I guess this means I can't bribe you with a Sauerkraut?" That set all the guards off, they charged.
"Oh, I guess not then...oh boy! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" He shouted as he jumped backwards into the night.
Celestia only chuckled slightly as the spectacle finally finished. She got up and left secretly from the skybox as the head Gerpony guard fumed and raged at all the others, sending some cowering into corners.
After a short walk she came to the adjoined bedroom in which both she and her sister resided. On a bed horizontal to the door, Luna rubbed her eyes, awakened from her slumber by the sounds of disaster coming from the Solaris hall.
"Sister....what was that? Did anything happen at the Galla this year?" She asked, her voice laced with sleep. Celestia only chuckled.
"This year's Galla was a hoot alright." She said slipping into her bed horizontal of her sisters.
"Did Pipsqueak show up?" Luna asked again, Celestia saw her form shift as she laid back down.
"Yes, yes it did. And he was the hoot!" She exclaimed giggling loudly, soon she was joined by her sister.
After a couple minutes, Luna eventually yawned again and said her goodnights, leaving Celestia as the sole inhabitant of the land of reality.
Celestia however was thinking.
"My how he's changed since his foalhood." She reminisced.
After a couple minutes, she too nodded off, her day coming to a close.
I cannot however, say that Pipsqueak's day was over. No, his eventful had just begun.
(A/N: And so continues our Jack Sparrow esque adventures!)
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Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
Adventure 2: Pipsqueak's not so nice night on the town
(A/N: I need to leave this story alone to work on my other stuff.....but I JUST. CAN'T DO IT!)
As soon as Celestia dropped off to sleep, Luna bolted upright.
"PIPSQUEAK WAS HERE?!? Why didn't you tell me?!?" She screamed, Celestia, who had been dreaming of chocolate rain, bolted upright.
"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY MUFFINS! Oh! Luna? What? Why are you screaming?" The bewildered sun goddess looked over to find her sister panicking and on her window sill.
"I've got to see him! It's been too long!" And with that, the moon mistress jumped out into the night. Celestia simply sighed and rolled over in her bed, holding a pillow to her head.
~~~~~~~~
Greetings and assorted salutations! I'll be taking this off the good author's hands for the while as I retell to you my night on the town.
As soon as I jumped back, a thought peculated and formed quickly in the nether regions of my mind. I had no wings, therefore I was not a pegasus, and I had no ivory horn so I was no Unicorn either. I was a mere earth pony. Of course this was common knowledge to me even but when faced with certain death, one tends to forget things.
Luckily! I had my trust magician's hat! Won it off an old gypsy friend of mine! Unluckily the hat has a mind of it's own. Really it was a miracle I pulled out exactly what I wanted. I distinctly remember a time when my crew and I landed in Cape Trot just south of Hooflin Burrow. An old map I had scored at a yard sale had taken me there, of course i'm no simpleton mind you! I verified it's validity with another acquaintance, one in touch with the black market of Equestria. So after that sortie, I raced off in my ship with my merry men and we sailed off!
Unfortunately however, there was another group of scoundrels awaiting us on those sandy beaches. The Black Briar Pirates! What a bunch of no-goods those are! Thieving rats they are! What I would like to do to them- ah! Sorry! So as my men and I fought on that beach, I remember having forgotten my rapier in the Captain's Quarter's aboard my ship! Mind you, this was the first time using the magician's hat.
My gypsy pall had told me "just reach into the hat, and you'll find what you're looking for."
Yeah, I think he meant to say the opposite. Standing there, surrounded by both mares and men in the heat of battle, musket fire overhead, with my life on the line I pulled out a giant rubber chicken.
Yes, you heard that correctly, a giant chicken.
So surrounded by honed steel and armor that could withstand cannon fire, and with the fear that every step could be my last, I fought alongside my pirates.....WITH A CHICKEN!
Hilariously humiliating experience, but I digress, the Black Briars were laughing so hard they couldn't defend themselves.
Anywho, back to the story! So as I jumped backwards, I reached back into the hat...and pulled out a pogo stick!
"Well it could be worse." I muttered shoving the stick into a better position.
Well you all know that old time weathered saying don't you?
What can go wrong. Will.
~~~~~~
Joe had just closed up business for the night. Sighing, he finished locking up the shop as he strode out, a whistle on his lips. The shop had been doing well, apparently, after that little incident back during the old Gala, when Spike had visited to drown his lonely heart in jelly filing, the population of Canterlot grew intrigued. 'What sorts of goodies could draw one of the higher echelons, those closest to the princess herself into this dingy little shop?' They soon found out, courtesy of mouth watering scents emanating from the shop.
After that well, you know the rest.
He walked for about a block or so before his attention was suddenly drawn to the sky due to a prolonged scream of utter terror.
"CURSE YOU HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT!" Screamed a figure high in the air. Joe squinted as the figure's silhouette was illuminated by the moon.
The silhouette was of a tall gaunt stallion on what appeared to be a....pogo stick? One hoof clutching his hat, one hoof desperately holding onto the infernal contraption for dear life.
The silhouette was there for only a second, in direct line of site for the moon. Then, just as suddenly as he appeared, gravity took it's toll for his little ride and the figure fell, screaming all the way.
Joe chuckled as he continued his walk home from the little spectacle. "Man what a strange town." He muttered, shaking his head. But then again, that's why he liked Canterlot.
~~~~
Blast this infernal buggering contraption of Discord himself! So there I was, plummeting through the air. On a separate note, I know of one Rainbow Maned Mare who would be proud of me, but that's not the point here. The point is i'm about to end up like that one scene in 'the mask!' You know, when Jim Carey jumps out of the building after the land lady shoots him with a couple shotgun bullets.
'Look ma! I'm roadkill!'
That statement was about to become all the clearer for me as I swiftly approached the earth. Luckily however, I noticed that directly below me was a line! A cloth's line to be exact.
"Not much, but it could work!" I shouted, I had to time this just right or else I would be the literal version of 'what would have happened if you weren't wearing the mask'.
As it came closer and closer, I reached out a hoof. And...yes! Score! Gol! I got it! Letting go of the pogostick, I did what any stereotypical pirate would have done.
I swung.
~~~~~~~~~
Sound Wave had been using his magic to hook his clothing onto the line. Grumbling with frustration, he concentrated with utmost focus, he had to hook it just right or else his nice suit would be ruined.
Working as a DJ for the Canterlot 99.5 had it's ups and downs. On the upside, work was pretty cool, the boss didn't care too much for appearance, and for state because often enough, Sound would walk in with a terrible headache as a badge from last night.
The main downside however, was that since 99.5 was popular, the cast had to go to formal events often enough, hence the suit.
"There! Done!" He whipped his brow as the suit finally held on the line. Even though he was an employee of one of the most popular stations this side of Equestria, it really didn't pay well. That means, no modern day luxuries due to crappy tenement. That means no hot water. That in turn means, no washer and dryer.
Oh yeah, old fashioned.
As he turned around, his ears perked, an unfamiliar sound filled the night air.
"What in the name of-"
Sound Wave never got to finish that sentence as a certain pock-marked white stallion flew from out in nowhere, going straight through the cloth's line, and subsequently snagging Sound Wave's only good suit.
"Hey! What the hay!?!" He shouted sticking his head out the window to catch a glimpse of the thief.
"SORRY ABOUT THAT CHAP!" Shouted the thief. Sound Wave cocked and eyebrow, the rascal seemed to be wearing a top hat. And his suit!
"Hey! Give that back thief!" He shouted, the robber however had already swung away.
~~~~~~
Tsk, such a shame that man had to lose his suit. On the other hoof, i'm a pirate! what do I care? Swinging through the night air, the buildings passing swiftly by my sides, I let out a whoop of joy. However unlikely and dire my situation was, I always manage to get something god out of it.
Namely, this suit!
Assuming I had weathered the worst of the worst, I can thoroughly, without doubt say that the next thing I experienced, was like getting run over by a train in broad daylight.
Completely blindsided by life and screaming "WHYYYYY!?!?" In my head.
~~~~~~~~~
Lyra grunted, the stallion underneath her was close, she was too. It had been a rough day, why not unwind with some night time fun? The performance during the annual Canterlot Music Festival which, oddly enough, was around the same time as the Galloping Gala had been a hug success.
Lyra already had 3 studios contact her about a long term contract, a producer who asked for her phone number, and a shady looking stallion ask her if she would like to participate in a porno.
This was not that however, but very close.
"Oh faust...i'm! I'm!"
CRASH!
~~~~~~~
Just for a minute! I closed my eyes for a minute! And before I know it, the line snaps! I'm assuming it must have been at the end of it's rope, no pun intended, since one minute I felt on top of the world, the next, I felt like I was falling.
And I was, well not exactly falling as much as being slingshotted by the trajectory I had taken. Think of the swing of the arch, you got your starting point, the arch, and then the end of the swing which ends the swing.
Now, the line snapped and sent me careening at the end of the swing, the momentum I had achieved acting as a booster to the already prominent force.
Needless to say, I went flying. And straight into a hostel.
"Ohhhhhh." Groaned, after I finished passing out for a minute or so, I awoke. And found myself staring at a couple in the art of lovemaking. They had promptly stopped on account of my unwelcome crash. And they were now staring at me. Of course they were in a provocative position, so I could see exactly...what...was....going....into...where. You get the picture.
We sat there for a minute or so before I cleared my throat. "Ahem.....good eve...ma'am...gentleman." And with a pokerface befit of stone, I tipped my hat and walked out the opposite window, the unbroken one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lyra stared at the colt with the tophat as he tipped his hat at them, his eyes huge and unmoving. "Good eve....ma'am...gentleman." And he jumped out the window, shattering the second one as well.
Suddenly she felt a warm, gooey, slimey sensation between her legs. Looking down in horror, she stared right into the face of the stallion.
".....You didn't."
"...... "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After plummeting half a storey, I smashed face first into the cold cobblestone below. "Owwwwww." I muttered picking myself up and dusting myself off.
"Well lookey what we have here boys! Another lost traveler! Let's help him!" I turned around with a sigh.
I expected a couple teenagers, what I used to be, skulking around in the backalleys reveling in the fake feeling of danger and mystique engrained into our brains by movies and T.V shows about that sort of life.
I did not however, expect 7 fully grown stallions, bigger then myself by abut 2 or so inches and with knives and guns. Make no mistake, these were murders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey boss! Check that one!"
"Yeah. I see him. Looks like a poor pony. Ah well, it's been a slow night. You all know the drill. Get to it!"
"Yes sir!"
Me n' the boys surrounded this one earth guy. Now, we don normally go after da poor, but taday was slow and we needed something for tha don er else our hides was gonna get tanned good. So we surrounded the poor moron and threatened him.
Bad mistake, if i'd have known he was dat crazy I wouldn't have given him the time of day! That one was a nutjob! Started tryin ta make deals with Fabio n' Carlos! Sayin' somethin' about payin em off with deluxe tacos n' gold. 'Course me n' the boy didn't buy it. And we kept on asking him for his wallet n' his keys, the usual deal.
So the loon reaches into his hat and pulls out a big old hat proppler! Ya know! the one dat looks like baseball cap widout the long thing in the front and the rotor blades on the top? Yea it looked something like that. So he tried running away with that thing on his head! Soz naturally we go after em!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It appeared as if common sense didn't work with these ruffians. Some ponies! Geez! So I did what any normal law abiding- Celestia fearing citizen under her Royal Majesty's watch did. I screamed "LOOK! IT'S A UNICORN RIDIGN AN ALLIGATOR!" And as soon as they turned, I ran as if the devil himself were chasing me. And to be truly honest, that's not entirely a lie either.
Ah! But spoiler spoiler! That's a story for another time.
Going back here, I sprinted through the grand bazaar section of Canterlot, all around me, merchants shouting their wares as the night time bazaar, going strong in the middle of the night, hummed with activity.
"Get em boys!" I heard the shout from behind me, really it only served to quicken my pace however as I barreled through a stall. After going through and disturbing a next of chickens, I cam across the other side, a turban on my head and a mask befit for a Harem mare on my face, as well as the whole get up mind you.
After coming out on the other side, a chicken flew in my path as I set off, trying desperately to get rid of my pursuers, that however didn't happen.
One of the greasy alley cats had swung around to the back, I ran into him going full tilt.
"Boss! Boss! I found him!" He shouted, quickly however, I silenced him with a punch to the jaw, quickly silencing him.
"Good work Carlos!" I heard the reply. Oh crimey! They were close! Oh boy! I need a disguise!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me n' the rest of da guys came around da back after Carlos hollored. We found the guy layin on the floor with one of dem Harem Prostitute girls on em.
"Oh? More of you? I was just showing this gentleman a good time." She was beauty that one, slender frame and nice curves, couldn't see her face though, she had one of them face masks on.
"Well ain't you the prettiest thing? Mind showin' the rest of us a good time too?" I heard Fabio from behind me. Rotten guido tryin to take my girl!
"Hey! Watch it! I saw her first!" I shouted tryin to shove the little grunt offa my prey. He just socked me! Da nerve!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
However humiliating this disguise was, it worked! And rather brilliantly if I must say. The buffoons began arguing almost instantly! Amazing what some stallions will do when depraved for too long. Soon they began fighting and I just watched, throwing in the random quip once in a while to egg them on.
"Oh! You don't have to fight over me! There's plenty to go around!"
And
"Oh my what strong hooves you all have!"
The sort. Unfortunately however, during the scuffle, one of them was thrown my way, and landed on me, throwing the veil and turban off, revealing me!
"Hey! Wait a minute! It's you!" Shouted the ringleader pointing right at me. The others stood close and began squinting.
"Hey! It is him!" Shouted another, by this time I began sweating bullets.
"Well um...as much as I've enjoyed your company...It's about time I was off! Tata!" I shouted, and with that, I leapt up and resumed my run. They resumed their chase.
After another half an hour of running, I soon found myself a the waterfront! Yes! The ship was still there!
"HOOOOOY! YOU LAZY LOT! WAKE UP AND HELP YOUR CAPTAIN OUT WHY DON'T YA?!?" I shouted, I was tired from all the running and it was beginning to show, I heard the staccato beats of my pursuers grow louder as they closed the distance.
Suddenly I heard the roar of my crewman as they sprang to life. leaping from the roofs of buildings, they descended upon the unwary heathens and soon took them out.
"Well it's about time Cap'n!"
"Where were you?"
"Where you getting lucky?" I was bombareded by these questions as I dragged my poor tired body back to the ship. My prized ship, the Foalhood Dream .
As soon as I reached the gangplank, the crew stepped to the side, revealing my right hoof man, or in this case, mare.
"Enjoyed your night on the town cap'n?" Asked Scootaloo as she helped me aboard the ship, snickering slightly at my outfit.
I snorted with a smirk and handed her my hat. "You have no idea sister." And with that, I made my way below decks for a goodnight's sleep.
But before I did however, I made one announcement.
"LISTEN UP MARES AND STALLIONS! WE'RE SAILING FOR GRYPHONIA NEXT!" And with the roaring of my crew christening me, I set sail on the ocean of dreams.
(A/N: Hope your happy, this took me all day to write!)
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Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
Adventure 3: Never thought I'd see you again
(A/N: A combination of writer's block and depression hit me hard. Sorry 'bout the massive chapter lag.)
Pipsqueak stood at the helm of his ship, long since ridding himself of his disguises, he sailed now with is decorated, albeit odd hat.
"Oy! Cap'n! It's the dead of night! Why're up here?" Scootaloo peaked her head from a hatch leading below into the ship's underbelly.
A cloud passed by and the night wind gently whispered in his ear. It had been a warm summer day, and it was a warm night.
Instead of talking, or turning around for that matter, Pipsqueak motioned for her to join him at the head. Behind his back, Scootaloo shrugged, sometimes the Captain had his moods, this must have been one of them.
"What'cha need?" She asked casually with an air of questioning. Pipsqueak didn't answer her, he was staring straight up, his Adam's Apple visible as it stretched over his voice box.
"Scootaloo, tell me. Have you ever looked up to the sky and thought you were little?" He asked. Scootaloo cocked her eyebrows in clear confusion.
"....No?" She answered, truthfully Scootaloo never thought of anything before-hoof or after. She was, as affectionately dubbed by the crew: A monstrous 500 pound rape train in disguise of a mare.
And while Scootaloo herself was quite nice and docile in nature, there was no rock big enough to hide under when she got pissed. Pipsqueak had seen first hoof the herculean strength the mare carried in her sleek physique.
"That's quite alright ol' girl. You can go back now." He said with a sigh. Scootaloo merely shrugged and headed back below decks.
Pipsqueak however, stayed out on the prow of the ship smiling as the wind swept his hair, the only sound coming from the various propellers used to steer the ship.
For you see, the Foalhood dream inconceivable .
He reached out a hoof as a passing cloud passed through the ship. Pipsqueak sighed in contentment as he watched the cold bubble of moisture, and he leaned back, closing his eyes and entering dreamland amidst a sea of clouds.
==========================
"Have you seen this colt?"
"No, can't say I have ma'am."
Luna inhaled deeply, a growing sense of frustration knotting in her belly and threatening to send her mind into a whirlwind. She had set off in the middle of the night to find him, and despite various reports of a certain Colt wearing a certain Hat floating in through the Canterlotian Police force, there had yet to be a proper sighting. All that she had to go on were a group of very pissed ponies all claiming to have seen a capped caper tearing through their middle of the night romps/errands/routines.
Currently she was sitting in the middle of the prestigious Canterlotian Police Headquarters.
"I swear to the high n' mighty Billy the Colt is the all time best western!
"And I swear on my dead grandma's grave, bless her soul, that Two Buck Timmy was the best!" She felt parts of her brain die as the two cops-IMBECILES assigned to her debated who was the best criminal just outside of the detention center.
Her mane was a mess, there were bags under her eyes, and like a freight train from outer space, she realized that she still had 3 press conferences with around several different prime ministers and heads of VERY important 1st world allies all in the morning.
So, she did what any mare under this type of pressure would do.
She went to the bathroom and shrieked like a banshee.
"HOY! CAPTAIN!" The rather crass voice of his first mate awoke Pipsqueak, grumbling from his deliciously mad dream about Luna saucily eating a banana.
"WHAT?" He shouted, grabbing his hat and making his way to the helm.
The crew was gathered around the brow of the shit, surrounding them was a monstrous Highland Air Drah. Or a cloud serpent for short.
It was currently staring curiously at the crew, unsure what to make of the motley band of misfits staring back.
Pipsqueak stood stock still at the door to the Captain's quarters.
For an eternity, nobody said a thing.
"WHAT FUCK. IS THIS?!? "
Shouted the captain.
And all hell broke loose.
===========
Sir Arioland the 5th of House Ravensfriend stared at the skies, unease wrought on his face as he grimaced and squinted.
"Any sign of them sir?" One of his serfs asked, the young lad was barely older than a chick when he'd signed on. Sir Ario had found quickly however, that he was more useful than the twenty something of his counter-parts who usually ran around like headless chickens any time their superior did a ROUTINE inspection.
And keep in mind, this was routine, Ario had to shudder and repress the memories of the recruits in their...alone times.
"Not yet young one. Oh for the high king's sake where are they?" He called. The griffon held a pair of binoculars to his eyes as he scanned the sky for the telltale pirates he'd been informed about. News had spread quickly throughout the kingdom of the crashing of the Grand Galloping Galla. And of the subsequent chaos.
The King's Faberge Jubilee was commencing in not 5 days time and he was in charge of security. And as a griffon of his word, he would not let the king, nor his kinsman down.
The elder knight wore heavy chainmail with high arching shoulder plates made of the finest forged steel from the High Hammer's Forge. The best Blacksmith in the Griffonic kingdom. covering his back and underside was plated heavy iron. Each platelet overlapping it's kin to make a nigh impenetrable wall of unstoppable metal.
Slung on his back was the Bane Bringer, a sword crafted from the very essence of Windigo's souls. Tamped with ectoplasm from the souls of the great and blessed by the holy water from the church of His High majesty.
He was a force to be reckoned with, and as a veteran of many, many wars. He was a nearly unstoppable killing machine when rubbed the wrong way.
Currently however, he was staring in unconcealed awe.
"AND I'LL RIP YER VERY EYES FROM THEIR SOCKETS AND FEAST ON YER HELL DAMNED BALLS YA BIG BLOODY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MONSTER! YOU'LL BE FEARIN' THE DAY YA MEET ME YOU BIG UGLY GROTESQUERY! I'VE SEEN HALF-DRUNK CHICKENS WITH MORE CAJONES THAN YOU!"
There was the aforementioned fugitive and ruffian, scourge of the law.
Bareback riding a monstrous Sky Serpent who's roar shook the very sky and scattered the clouds. End to end, it could stretch from High Claw, the gryphon's capital to Feather'sDale some 50 odd miles away.
In all his years, Sir Ario had only ever heard of knight who took on a Sky serpent and lived to tell the tale.
His name had been Sir Havensclaw of House Immolation. He had been a walking tank in life, or so the legends had said, and Sir Ario had seen a portrait depicting the knight covered in all black bravely slashing at a monstrous Ursa Majora.
He had been the best knight in the kingdom, with armor forged from the wrought souls of fallen beasts of evil, his armor: Mavack was on display in the Museum of the Round Table. It was midnight black and glistened with runes so powerful that one had to watch how long he or she stared or else their very soul would be sucked in.
Yet here was a fugitive of the law with shoddy clothing. No armor and very little protection against the freezing wind of a thousand miles straight up in the air.
From what Sir Ario could see, he only wore a hat that seemed to be frayed with age and an aviator's jacket with many holes and tears and a vest underneath it.
And the only thing he was using, was a claymore sword.
The massive Sky Beast swooped down low over the garrison and Sir Ario ducked, forcing the fear stricken serf down along with him.
"AND I'LL CUT UP YER DAMN FACE INTO GUACAMOLE DO YA HERE ME?!?" The belligerent pony shouted, hanging on for dear life as the massive dragon/snake hybrid squirmed and twisted, it's tail smashing into the earth and up-ending villages. Truly the sky beast was a behemoth on all accounts.
Once it had safely passed, Ario stood and flared his wings, ready for flight.
"Squire! You will go to the barracks and call forth reinforcements! Once done, race to the king's castle and alert the rest of the Round Table Knights!" He shouted. The young one shook his head.
"But what about you sir?" He asked shakily.
Sir Ario drew the Bane Bringer, faintly did he hear a war bellow as he held it straight up with his front claws. Already shooting into the air.
"I shall stall the fowl beast!" He shouted.
==============
Pipsqueak clung to dear life as the massive beast swung too and fro, trying to shake him off. One hoof was entangled within the mane of the chimera and one held the Claymore.
Through gritted teeth, Pipsqueak shoved the sword not unlike a stake into the serpent's neck, using it as a base. As he untangled his trapped hoof.
"HALT YE ABOMINATION!" Pipsqueak lunged forward, barely holding onto the massive serpent via. his sword.
Climbing up to the thing's head, he stared at the single gryphon who blocked the monster's path.
"Turn back from whence you came and I will spare your life!" He shouted. His sword drawn horizontally to his left. From what he could see, Pipsqueak observed that it was a rather large broadsword. He also noted it glistened light ozone as the surface seemed to shiver.
The beast was silent a moment.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR BLOODY MIND?! DO YOU NOT SEE THE BLOODY SIZE OF THIS?" PIpsqueak yelled.
"You there! Disband from the monster! You are under arrest for the disorderly actions you have wrought upon the ponies of-"
Knight Arioland the 5th of House Ravensfriend never got to finish that sentence as the serpent took a very deep breath, a small jetstream pulling at he knight's body as the wind rushed by him.
And with a roar that would deafen a god or a giant, it blasted a massive wall of sound at the knight, instantly blasting him with Gale force winds.
As he fell, Pipsqueak felt something snap inside of himself.
"I'd say this has gone on long enough." He stated quietly as he pulled the Claymore above his head. The serpent stopped and cooed as it watched the knight fall.
It did not however, see the dark aura and wind rushing by Pipsqueak and into the sword.
"Oh you'll curse tha' day ye met Pipsqueak. Captain of The Foalhood Dream."
The sword began changing. It got longer, and the metal changed from glistening gray steel to sanguine red. It seemed to ripple with power.
It was at this point that the Foalhood Dream
Her expression of extreme concentration evaporated, soon replaced by one of sheer horror as she saw the massive black funnel cloud above the serpent.
"What in the name of the good meadowmaster is that?" Asked one of the crewmembers,a curly afro'd black unicorn who wore a revrend's collar.
Instead of responding conventionally, she shouted: "ALL OF YOU! UNLESS YA WANNA SEE WHAT THE TRUE MEANING OF FEAR IS, GET DOWN!"
And as everybody hit the deck, Pipsqueak let loose.
Gently, almost lovingly did he bring the sword down from it's elevated position until the hilt was level with his face. The sword had changed, no longer was it a claymore. It had become a claidheamh mòr. And no normal one at that.
The hilt had completely changed, it had expanded and was shaped like a curved shuriken, the metal had changed, it glistened blood red and seemed to call, its voice resounding in Pipsqueak's head.
But what stood out most of all, was the small stone sitting in the hilt.
Sighing with resignation, he placed it back in his hat.
And with that, the hat began to glow menacingly red.
His mind was slipping as he reached back inside, the voices told him it was ready.
"Oh, you'll rue the day you met me." He whispered, pulling out the new weapon.
It was the same claidheamh mòr. Only this time it resonated, and seemed to be moving on it's own.
"Your bones will shake and your will tremble as I cast the black blade from whence it rests. Look upon your last day and cry, for none shall escape the Dreadmora." He chanted.
And with that last sentiment, he plunged the blade into the neck of the beast.
It screamed in untold agony, almost drawing pity from Pipsqueak.
It's whole body seemed to spasm violently for a second before freezing. It's veins started glowing purple. Soon, the purple light spread through its whole body, and eventually to its eyes as the captain closed his.
"Rest in pieces."
Without another word he pulled the sword out.
And the snake's carcass exploded.
=======
"Sir Ario! Sir Ario!" Screaming and shoving awoke him from his dreamless slumber as the great knight came too.
"Ugh, what happened?" Rubbing his head and squinting due to the bleariness, he barely saw the outline of a gryphon sigh with relief.
"Oh! Thank the lords you're okay!"
"Oh, the serf. " He vaguely registered, accepting the young's one help in lifting himself off the ground.
"Ooooh. How hard did I land?" He asked.
The serf remained quiet.
Blinking the crust and sand from his eyes, he opened them once more.
Surrounding him was a large crater, most probably caused by his crash landing.
But at the moment, that was the least impressive thing facing him.
Sitting in front of him, was the head of the utterly massive Sky Serpent, alone, the head was a small mountain.
But sitting at the top of that mountain, was a single colt, his hooves wrapped around a red blade that seemed to shine and send out a little electrical spark every once in a while.
He sat motionless, caramel and chestnut mane drooping and covering his face and eyes.
Atop his head, tilted at an angle was a hat that seemed innocent, yet the more he stared, the more Arioland couldn't help but feel disturbed.
"What happened?" He asked, standing in awe.
"...You."
Arioland turned to the serf, Pipsqueak raised his head.
The serf was pale, quaking in his over-sized armor. His eyes were as wide as saucers. Arioland was surprised, the boy hadn't been this scared, not even during the siege by the monstrosity.
"I...I-I remember you!" The colt began shivering.
Pipsqueak merely smiled.
"No kiddo, you remember the sword."
"Y..Y-y-you were a monster on the battlefield! You killed so many!"
Ario raised an eyebrow.
"Who is he young one?"
The serf broke down in tears.
"THE MAD ONE! HE'S THE MAD ONE! THAT SWORD IS THE DREADMORA!"
A cold knot formed in Ario's gut as he turned back to Pipsqueak.
"I never thought I'd have to use it again. The Dreadmora."
Ario felt himself slipping as he went back to the 'dark days'.
The farmland and city scape was replaced by a blood soaked battlefield under a moonlit night.
And sitting on a pile of dead bodies was the same stallion.
With the same sword.
With the same grin.
(A/N: It's back! And better than ever!)
Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
*Whistling a song as computer starts up*.
"Oh boy! What should I do today? Maybe some TF2, maybe some Killzone. What's it gonna be, what's it gonna be."
"OY! YOU! UP THERE!"
"The hell? Where's that coming from anywho?"
"Down here!"
*looks down at Computer and Pipsqueak's staring back*
"Gah!"
"Oh now don't you 'gah' me! Do you know how long I've been stuck down here?"
"....umm...a couple months?"
"FIVE BLOODY MONTHS. AND NOT A SINGLE WORD FROM YOU! WHERE IN DAVY JONE'S BARNACLED RECTUM DID YA RUN OFF TOO?!"
"Umm, life got in the way and-"
"I mean you stranded us in literary Purgatory! And the 'cold calzone'."
"What's so bad about it?"
"Really?"
"Yeah! What's so bad huh?"
"REALLY?!"
"Okay maybe it's bit silly but-"
"REALLY?!"
"Okay okay! I get your point! Sheesh!"
"That's a good man! Right then! Everybody! Places!"
"Wait what? There's a play back there? What exactly happened when I was gone?"
"Oh hoho, that's for me to know, and for you to find out."
"Okay now wait a minute WAIT A MINUTE! I demand to know exactly what's going on here and as the-"
"Curtains in five!"
"As the author and you are my creation! You cannot keep such a secret from me and-"
"In Four!"
"Hey! I'm talking here! What is happening back there?! Who are you talking to? Oh no, you've gone loony. You've gone bloody looney haven't you! Aw nuts that means I'm going to have to-"
"Three!"
"And I'll have to start from scratch! Do you know how frustrating it is starting from scratch? Oh of course not you're bloody gone! Off the deep end, bought the ticket to crazy town via LOONY EXPRESS!"
"Two!"
"Alright! Alright! I give! What's the secret! Tell me! I'm begging you!"
"One!"
If you don't stop right now! I'll cancel the story! I swear to you I'll-"
"ACTION!"
PtmGAPe wil be resuming sometime during this month. So for those still along for the ride, brace yourselves. For we go ,forward unto the breech.
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Pipsqueak: The most gentlecoltly anarchist pirate ever
Adventure 3.5: Have I ever told you about my crew?
Aboard The Foalhood Dream
Everyone rushed to starport as the massive Sky Snake exploded.
"That was awesome! Boss never told us he could do that!" Squealed one of the newer recruits. Scootaloo shuddered, turning the steering wheel to the left and subsequently, back into the cloud covering.
Just then, Applebloom came up from the below decks. Her welding googles sitting on top of her sweaty and sooty forehead.
Often had she been called "Mad Mare" Bloom by those who (personally) knew her. For at times, she could be as intelligent and genius, as loony bin insane.
"Oy! Cap! I finished adding the modifications onto tha-"
She stared at Scootaloo for the longest time with an utterly blank face.
The crew also turned to face the two stalemating mares.
"........Why is Scootaloo steering?" Asked Bloom cautiously.
There was a long silence.
"AW SHEET. WE ALL GON DIE."
==========
"Well well well, what have we here?" Mused the old king. King Goldenheight. A massive male griffon who had more fat than skin cells. True to his name, he wore all gold armor and chain-mail. And most likely golden clothing in his free time.
Right now however, he sat on his gilded throne. Again, one made for a....lesser griffon. And by lesser I mean one that couldn't be attached to a crane and used as a wrecking ball.
But I digress. Our protagonist knelt there, forced to his knees by two surly griffon guards using neck collars to leash him.
"Well you have Equestria's number one criminal firebrand. Sir Pipsqueak!" He chimed, doing his best to puff his chest in pride.
Suddenly the king drew a hard look filled with hatred, his eyes seemingly glazing over.
"You don't deserve the title runt. You are no more a knight than a thief is a gentleman." The king walked over and slapped him.
"Sire?" Asked one of the guards.
"Take him to the Barrow's End Tower. Let him pay penitence there." The king turned away, unbeknownst to him, Pipsqueak smiled sadly.
"And what makes you think I haven't?"
The king stopped, and so did the guards, halfway between dragging Pipsqueak to his feet.
As if by colossal luck or change. The 5 heard something akin to a dying whale.... if it was the size of Babylon.
"What in ye gods name is that?" Asked one of the guards rushing over to a window and opening it.
There, not 350 feet above the ground was the Foalhood Dream.
Flying through the air
upside down
and with the tail-end going forward.
The king and remaining guard rushed forward to observe, jaws agape.
Pipsqueak calmly walked over and stood behind them, both leashed still on his neck.
"Have I told you about my crew yet?"
=============
"Awright! Father Albert! Flip this thing around! Aw Celestia dammit! Somepony get that big orange chicken away from the wheel!" Screamed "mad mare" Applebloom hanging onto the main mast for dear life. Their traveling mechanic; the southern styled mare was as crazy as she was brilliant, the sole planner of the Foalhood Dream, Pipsqueak merely gave her the task ,and she did the rest. With manual labor of course.
"Roger!" Shouted the jet black and curly maned stallion, making his way to the side of the ship.
He took a deep breath and-
The two guards shrieked like little girls as a massive plume of flame erupted from the deck-side, miraculously forcing the ship to do a barrel roll and correct itself. Now it was going just going backwards.
"Ah, I see they used Father Alberts. A vilified ex-pastor who studied under a cult off-shoot of the good church of Celestia. He was one of many who partook in the "Phoenix Experiment". Pipsqueak stated, casually buffing a hoof on his chest.
"The Phoenix Experiment? Wha' in bludy hell iz at?" Asked one of the two guards, his remarkably thick accent skewing and distorting his words.
Pipsqueak smiled viciously.
"During the Golden Flame Wars, for all the readers, that was the war between Dragons and Ponies some oh, five hundred years ago? Well, Princess Celestia sanctioned a little experiment. Said experiment was to infuse the power of the dragon with a fetus." Began Pipsqueak, somehow freeing himself from the guards.
"Oy! Wait!....Who the 'ell are the 'readers'?" Asked the taller of the two guards.
"Oh! Don't mind them. MOVING ON! While the experiment was a success, the foals were subjected to brutal physical and mental training to prepare them for war. In the program there were approximately two hundred foals. twenty of them died during preparations, one hundred died during the actual war itself, they helped turn the tide at the battle of Reginald Down. Ah I remember that..." He zoned out for a few minutes, his eyes glazing over.
"What? What happened to the rest of them?!" Screamed the king, riveted by his tale.
"Ah! So sorry about that. Anyways, continuing where we left off from! The remaining 80 were hunted throughout Equestria on account of them being either A: Psychotic and deranged due to PTSD or B: Too dangerous. As a result of the persecutions, sixty of those poor soldiers died by the hooves of their kinsman. The remaining twenty went underground, never to be seen or heard from again."
Another great plume of fire erupted from the ship's front, spinning it right round until it faced forward once again.
"That is, until now." He smiled merrily.
"Wait a minute, that still doesn't explain how he studied under the same cult that did that to him!" Shouted the king.
"Oh my dear liege, that is a story for another time." Chirped Pipsqueak sauntering off.
================================
"ALRIGHT! Finally got this hulking tin-can upright!" Muttered Bloom as she whipped sweat off her brow and took the steering wheel in hoof.
"Genie! Lower the main sails! Iron Hide! Head down into the engine room and make sure our power-source is still working! The rest of ya scoundrels!....I dunno, go do what you do best." She finished lack-lusterdly.
"Anyways! FORWAAAAAAAAAAR-" she screamed, until she saw the battalion of all griffins. There was at least five hundred of them all around the towering castle like structure ahead of them. Their black masses almost blotted out the sun as they sat in solemn silence, the only sound the flapping of wings.
"Oh me mother."
============================================
The king sneered as Pipsqueak began walking away. "Oh? Is that so? Well that's all well and good, but consider this: there is a garrison not two miles from Highclaw. And take into account, THAT garrison is filled with some of the best, and most decorated griffins within the whole of our army." And as a side note: the griffon army was MASSIVE.
"So, please tell me, how do you intend to get both your crew, and yourself, out of my country in one piece?" He spoke with as if he was taunting an already beaten and bloodied foe.
Pipsqueak in turn, gave him a massive smile.
"It seems my dear king, you are direly underestimating my crew." His grin expanded as his eyes glinted with pure mischief.
"ALL HOOVES! ABANDON SHIP!" Applebloom's voice shot through through from the outside. Instantly destroying Pipsqueak's bravado.
"BECAUSE IF YER ON THIS HUNK OF PISS AND GLUE BY THE TIME AH'M DONE COUNTIN' DOWN, AH'LL BLAST YA INTO THIN GRUEEL."
The two guards looked at each other with confusion. The king raised his eyebrow, and Pipsqueak turned pale.
"Oh gods please don't tell me she's going to-"
Pipsqueak ran over to the window and stared up. a small trail of black told him of his crew's evacuation.
"AH'LL GIVE YA LILLY LIVERED EVOLUTIONARY EXCUSES FOR POULTRY TEN SECONDS TO GROUND YER ASSES BEFORE I WHIP OUT MY COLD CALZONE!" She shouted at the top of her lungs.
Pipsqueak's jaw dropped as he ran up to the king and jumped into his claws.
"Hold me, please. Because it's about to become really ugly relatively soon.
The king dropped Pipsqueak with a simple flick of his wrists. He just couldn't make sense of the captain's irrational fears, especially of a rather frigid Italian cuisine.
"The cold calzone?" He asked with a mixture mainly comprised of disbelief, disdain, and curiosity.
The captain looked up at him, with the fear of the gods in his eyes. As if he had gazed into the pits of tartarus himself.
"The cold calzone." He responded simply.
And in the few seconds the king stared incredulously at the smaller criminal, the world blew up.
....Into cheese.