Chapters My Adventures in Equestria
Chapter 1: The Great and Powerful Intro
I guess you could call me a normal kid. I went to school, slacked off, stayed up irresponsibly late every single night…so yeah, just about normal. But there was a reason I did some of those things. I was a brony. Every day I’d get home, look at my book bag and think “Fuck it, I’ll do it later.” Wanna guess how many times I kept that promise?
Less than I liked. Staying up until like 1 o’clock in the morning every night reading fanfics wasn’t exactly healthy for my performance in class. Needless to say, my mom wasn’t too happy about my grades. I tried to not stay up. I tried not to be addicted to those awesome pastel ponies that had taken me to a place that wasn’t so fucked up.
Maybe that’s why it made me so happy. Because it made me feel happy.
Either that, or I’m just looking for something to do. Don’t get me wrong, finding out about the show has made me a new person. For both better and for worse. For better because it made me happy again. I had friends and still had a slightly decent life, but nothing to give me true happiness. For worse, because it me delve deeper into the world of porn. Clopfics, ding ding ding!
You see, in third grade, I made possibly the most drastic decision of my life. I sat next to a kid named Tyler. In the third grade, and he was already using words that would make the devil blush. He also was watching porn. My ADHD played alongside his. I’d never really seen the severity of cuss words. So I started to cuss with him. It wasn’t hurting anybody, so what was the deal? And the porn bit?
Ha, like I was going to skip out on that? I was really living it now. If I’d never become friends with him, I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing this boring ass intro. Still got a bit to go, so keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle until it has made a complete stop.
Anyways, rule 34 was like finding more than 5 diamonds in one spot in Minecraft. I lapped it right up. My favorite was from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Katara was a personal favorite of mine. I would say “Celestia rape me if I didn’t look at her more than any other person anywhere.” But knowing the internet, I really don’t feel like risking it.
Ahem… sorry, getting back to the story now. After becoming a brony, I didn’t really go to rule 34 for ponies. I just didn’t think it showed sexuality, but preserving the innocence of the show I enjoy. So those things came to me in the form of Clopfics.
Oh, man I read a bunch of Clopfics. I enjoyed them. Granted I didn’t clop to them, but I admit I did get aroused by some of them. I tried to stay away from Fluttershy, her being too innocent in my mind for my perverted ass to be reading about those things. Even though I stayed away from her Clopfics, I developed the joke phrase, “it’s always the quiet ones….” for her. Then he thought hits me one day.
I read stories about cartoon ponies having sex, enjoy them, AND to top it all off, fantasize about them! How many levels of fucked up am I? Really, I have honestly to God fantasized about these ponies. But before you hate me all the way to hell and back I have an argument to why.
It’s their character. Each one has such a beautiful kind, innocent spirit and personality, and I guess now I know that that drives me crazy. Given the situation, I wouldn’t “fuck them” per se, but “make love to.” Because “fucking” in my opinion is sex without love. And damn it all to hell, I love these ponies! Both platonically, and in the well…other way. So yeah, boring ass rant and intro aside, let’s get to the actual story.
Again.
I was typing a new chapter for my story “The Plague” during a really bad thunderstorm. We may not exactly be in tornado alley over here in Maryland, but Mother Nature sure can throw a giant bitch slap our way when she wants to. There was some really bad lightning, wind, and if I wasn’t mistaken, maybe even a little hail. I wanted to be a storm chaser when I graduated college. I’ve never personally seen a tornado, but I have seen a funnel cloud.
WARNING! IRRELEVANT SIDE STORY HERE!
It was when I was about 7, right before my parents divorced. There was a storm passing by us, and my dad was outside on the back porch. He called me outside, and I followed. There above our back yard, was a funnel roping towards the ground. If it hadn’t died out, I’d say it would have touched ground over the playground of the school right across the street. It later actually did touch down about 30 miles away. A tornado where I live is extremely rare. To give you an idea why, I live near the coast.
Another time, it was 2004, and hurricane Isabel was making it’s was towards shore. When it hit, the edge of the eye passed right over us. It was amazing, being inside the calm center of a beast. I knew that when I was older, I was gonna be either a hurricane hunter of storm chaser.
IRRELEVANT SIDE STORY ENDS HERE!
Granted, I shouldn’t have been on the computer during a storm, but like all a true storm enthusiast, I threw caution to the damn wind. My laptop was plugged in, which is why I shouldn’t have been on. But ADHD told me “you have nothing to worry about.” Bet you all 20 bucks I die on my first chase because of ADHD. I won’t be able to spend it if I win, because I’ll be dead, but at least I’ll have won a bet.
A flash of light made me jump for about the fourth time that night. Lightning may be amazing, but damn, it can be a bitch when it wants to. Then another flash of light blazed my vision, only this this time, it didn’t stop. It faded, but there was still a glow left. I looked back, and nearly jumped out of my seat with fright. The socket which contained the plug for my computer was glowing purple. Like UV ray purple. So, being the smart person that I am, decided to try to unplug it. Of course it wasn’t for safety reasons, I just didn’t want to lose the part of the story I had just written.
Smart move. As soon as my hand had started to pull the plug, a flash bolted across the sky. My hand slipped and touched the metal prong, sending a violent jolt of electricity through my body. What was strange though is it wasn’t the normal cold feeling that you get, it was actually quite warm. I tried to pull my hand away to no avail. I know when you get shocked, the electricity tightens your muscles and freezes you in place momentarily, but this was prolonged.
And of course somewhere in the back of my head I heard “if you have an erection lasting for more than 4 hours…” I began to feel really weird all of a sudden. A feeling I couldn’t explain, almost like my very soul was dripping down the drain into the cosmic sewer.
Then I passed out.
When I woke up, I was on a dirt path in what looked like a forest. Instead of doing something logical or rational, I began to admire the beauty and tranquility of the scenery. Scenery that had been implanted into my head more than once. The trees, the plants, the sounds, all of them too familiar to me. All of them had been described to me in pretty much all the HiE stories I’d read in my short time as a brony. But it couldn’t be possible. There was no way I could have been here.
In the Everfree forest. It seems like the place is the damn Platform and three quarter’s for HiE fics. My mind was in a rage. One part trying to comprehend my surroundings, another trying to figure out if it was all real. I looked around a bit; looking for something to entertain myself with while I tried to figure out what the heck was going on. I picked up a stick and twirled it around a bit. I threw it up into the air, and when it came back down, I caught it and brandished it like a sword.
A bright flash of light emitted from it, and it impacted a tree, splitting the bark. I yelled out,
“HOLY SHIT!!!” and threw the stick away from myself. Regaining my composure I thought to myself Alright, given the chance that I’m not completely freaking insane and I am in Equestria, can humans do magic? I walked towards another stick and picked it up. I pointed the stick at a tree and waved it slightly. Putting down the stick as if it were a bomb, I made a mental note; stay the FUCK away from sticks.
Then I heard a sound coming from the bushes surrounding the area I was in. Deciding to do something smart for once, I climbed up a tree. Judging from the way the noise had stopped suddenly, I was pretty sire it had heard me. Then it called out.
“Hello?” It asked uncertainly. It was at this point where I probably got the stupidest grin on my face. I’m sure some of you are wondering “Which pony is it?” Nope. Just Chuck Testa. My good friend and brony-in-crime Nate stepped out of the brush, a wary look on his face. I slid down the base of the trunk, scaring him. He immediately slackened when he saw it was only me.
“Hey, man you know where we are?” He asked, giving me a fist bump in greeting. I grinned at him once more.
“Ah, if only you read more, you would know exactly where we are, my friend.” I said jokingly. It was true. The only fanfic (if not book) he’d ever read was My Little Dashie, which had appropriately sent him into fits of uncontrollable tears. He just scowled at me.
“Come on, where the hell are we? YOU seem to be pretty certain about it.” I reduced my grin into a smile.
“If my calculations are correct, and if neither of us is completely insane…we are in Equestria.” Cartoon physics kicked in at that moment and his jaw fell a couple lower inches than it should have been able to. He tried to stutter out a response unsuccessfully. The most I could understand was
“Wha,…b-b-bu….E-e-equest…h-ho…WHA?” I tried to stay serious despite the look he was giving me at the moment.
“Yep. As far as I can tell, we are now somewhere in the Everfree forest.” I said simply to him. Giving up trying to talk, he let out one last “Guh?” and held his hands out in front of him asking for an answer. I laughed a bit to myself. “It’s true Nate, if only you read more fanfiction, HiE in particular, you’d understand. This place has been described to me one to many times for me NOT to know where we are.” It seemed my mini-rant had drawn the attention of another creature. An animal with the body of a lion and the tail of a scorpion walked out of the bushes as well, looking around in hunger and anger.
I pointed at the manticore pointedly. “This is another way to tell where we are. A… Manticore.” I said, before faltering. “Ah, yes” I continued, clapping my hands together. “I believe this is the point where we make like Justin Beiber and getthefuckoutofhereRUN!” We bolted like all hell, not even bothering to climb the thousands of possible trees around us. The Manticore roared and ran after us.
After turning the fifth bend in a row, we decided we probably didn’t have a chance to lose it that way. What? The mind works in mysterious ways when you’re about an inch from being ripped limb from limb. Then I remembered the stick had blasted the tree with earlier. And this being a forest, there were TONS of sticks I could choose from. Feeling bad for what I was about to do, I leapt to the side and shouted “SORRY NATE!” Luckily, the Manticore took Nate as an easier challenge and continued to run after him. Nate shouted back
“I hate you!” I picked up the nearest stick I could find and yelled after the Manticore
“Hey, pussy, fresh meat!” I don’t know if it stopped because I had presented myself as a target or because I had called it a pussy, but it worked. It started to growl and lumber its way towards me, not bothering to run since I wasn’t. When it was roughly ten feet away, I pointed the stick at it and waved it. A bolt of light shot from the stick and impacted the Manticore right in the face. It flew off of its feet and hit a tree. When it got up, it glared at me and roared. Apart from giving it a couple scratches, I seemed only to have pissed it off more.
Again and again it came after me, only to be defeated by my all powerful tree branch. After a while, it gave up, and sulked away with an extremely bloody nose. I smirked to myself and called out to Nate. He slid down the trunk of a tree and glared at me.
“Dude, what the hell was THAT about? I could’ve DIED! As in no longer breathing or having a functioning brain.” He panted, waving his hands in my face to get the point across. I shrugged off the tirade.
“Hey, I got rid of it, didn’t I? I didn’t see you doing anything particularly helpful cowering up in a tree and all.” I shot back at him playfully. He just grumbled and walked ahead of me. Eventually we came to the edge of the forest. Looking back on it, we’re lucky that we came out at all. We just started walking in no particular direction. And as an added bonus for being idiots, the universe decided to throw a favor our way. We emerged from the forest right near Fluttershy’s abode. Okay, make it half favor. We may have been near intelligent life, but that life was scared of the grass in the ground.
It probably wouldn’t be a good idea to just go out there and say “Fluttashy, sup? Throw a white kid some Kool-Aid?” So we held back at the edge of the woods. Trying to lighten the mood, I looked over at Nate and whispered
“Whatever you do, don’t let her take you to her shed.” He looked back and laughed.
“But that’s where the porn’s at!” he joked back. We both collapsed in silent laughter. After a few minutes we regained our composure and I spoke up.
“Oh yeah, let’s try not to fuck this up too early, okay. We can’t just stroll into Ponyville and be like “Hey Mane 6, you’re a show in our world! We know where you live and know all your secrets! We also know that you’re the bearers of the Elements! I watch you through your windows in my free time! I take pictures!” Nate rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, that didn’t occur to me. Just because I have a rational mind doesn’t mean that these things don’t occur to me.” I sighed.
“Just making sure, you know?” At that moment, none other than Fluttershy came around the corner humming to herself. I nearly lost it right then and there almost having a “HNNNNNG” attack, but I stopped myself just in time. Instead I contracted type one diabetes. Nate got heart problems. And with her was none other than the Manticore that I had pissed off. My eyes widened, along with Nate’s, I’m sure. It had a bandage on its nose, along with some other bandages along its body. The Manticore stopped and sniffed the air, looking directly at us. Somewhere in the universe, a button that said “You’re screwed” played.
It growled, catching Fluttershy’s attention.
“What is it Mr. Manticore?” She asked it, nearly sending me into another attack. She may have only been talking to it, but
damn it if she wasn’t the most adorable thing in Equestria. The Manticore unfortunately obliged her and pointed into the bushes at us and growled. Fluttershy walked over to us and pulled the brambles away, before looking at us in fright.
“Um, hi?” Nate tried, and Fluttershy fainted.
“So much for giggling at the ghosties, eh?” I grumbled. Now with Fluttershy unconscious, nothing stood between us and the Manticore. I’m fairly sure if Manticores could smirk, it would. It began to stalk over to us slowly, enjoying the moment. My trusty twig turned Harry Potter saved us again. I realized it was in my pocket, I had decided to keep it lest anything else dared attack us. I pulled it out and waved it in its face. It hesitated for a moment. I glared at it.
“Yeah, remember this, do ya?” It growled at me, but no longer moved forwards. Nate was fanning Fluttershy, trying to wake her up. As soon as my head was turned, the Manticore roared at me and leapt. I ducked and rolled out of the way. It skidded to a halt and turned facing me once more. Having put up with it enough, I waved the wand…erm, stick at it. Once more a bolt of light flew from the stick. Unfortunately the Manticore saw it coming. It dodged to the side, rolling away with impressive speed.
It ran at me, and I tried to shoot at it again, but it leaped over the assault and pinned me to the ground. Now, it was a wrestling match between us. The jerk played dirty, too. I know I’m talking about an animal, but it was smart! Every time I tried to wrap my hands around it to roll it under me, it stabbed at my hands. Every time I tried to get it in a headlock, it would spear me to the ground. Just as I had punched it in the face, a voice shouted out as loud as it could,
“Stop!” Both me and the Manticore stopped fighting with each other and turned to look at a now stern Fluttershy. “You both should be ashamed of yourselves, fighting like that!” Momentarily stunned to silence, me and the Manticore looked at each other incredulously. She got in my face. “You, attacking a poor, hurt creature like that!” I’m sure I could taste dirt as my jaw dropped. That jerkoff a “Poor, hurt creature”? I was just fighting for my life!
“But-” I stated, but Fluttershy cut me off.
“No but’s from you mister!” she then turned to the Manticore. “And you, fighting. You should hold yourself higher than a bully you know.” She glared at it to get the point across. “Now no more fighting from you two, do you understand me?” she asked sternly, and both of us nodded reluctantly. We still glared at each other though, growling under our breaths.
You see, I hated cats. Being allergic to them and everything, it was hard NOT to hate them. Besides shedding and sleeping, all they really did was bite, scratch, and eat. In my opinion, the only people that should own cats are old ladies and people in swivel chairs that say “I’ve been expecting you”. Nate now sat beside me to mostly keep me in check, while me and the Manticore continued our glaring contest. I finally gave it up because I got bored, and looked away.
Eventually, my eyes drifted towards Fluttershy, after gazing at everything else around us. She had her back turned to us, and was fixing that little shit of a bunny Angel some lunch. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cute and innocent creatures, but Angel bunny must have been born on opposite day. Not only was he mean to Fluttershy, he kicked me and Nate in the back of the legs, making it personal for both of us.
As I was looking at Fluttershy, a thought inspired by Coal Buck stuck me. (By the way if you haven’t already, check out Coal Buck’s story “My Second Life”. It’s a lot better than this HiE by a long shot!) Were these ponies anatomically correct? It wasn’t like I was TRYING to be a pervert, but the thought came to me, and once I think something, it’s stuck there until I can find an answer.
And I certainly wasn’t going to go up to Fluttershy and ask “Hey there Shy. Excuse me, but could you tell me if you have a vagina?” I went with that they are, considering that there could be no possible way that they could reproduce if they weren’t. I voiced my thoughts to Nate.
“Hey man, you think ponies have…you know?” He just looked at me as if I were insane.
“Why are you thinking about that at a time like this?” He paused for a moment, thinking. “Come to think of it, why are you
thinking about that at all?” He frowned at me. I sighed.
“You know the way I am, dude, you shouldn’t even have to ask that.” Nate didn’t take to kindly to people that read Clopfics, even more so to people that actually clopped to them. So naturally, he didn’t like it when I brought up the subject. “Just asking.” He mumbled a “whatever” in response and even though he wasn’t too kind on the subject, I thought I saw him looking at Fluttershy’s flank trying to see if she indeed had a marehood.
And if nature was answering our question, her tail happily swished out of the way, revealing herself to us. You could probably grill some hamburgers on my face at that moment. Nate just fell off the log we were taking residence on, his face also red. After a couple seconds, he got up and calmly walked into the forest. He came back out a couple minutes later, looking roughed up quite a bit.
“What the hell happened to you?” I asked, one eyebrow raised in question. He shook his head in shock.
“When you rage at the forest, the forest rages back.” He said quietly. From what he had said, it seemed he had gone on one of his tirades due to the subject at hand, and things had gone a little amiss. So, immediately taking the challenge that the universe had offered me, I turned to the forest and shouted,
“Damn nature, you scary!” A few pairs of eyes opened in the blackness. I coughed. “Right! Moving along then.” I said, as me and Nate hastily moved ourselves to the other side of Fluttershy’s cottage. She came out as she heard me speak louder than she had heard either of us before. She looked at me interestedly.
“You speak Equestrian?” She asked quietly. Nate frowned and shook his head.
“If you mean English, then yes.” Fluttershy looked even more interested at this. She was taking all this surprisingly well, despite her track record on the show. I figured that it was just because she viewed us as another animal.
“What’s English?” She asked, her eyes sparkling with interest. I cut Nate off before he could talk any more. No offence to him, but since he didn’t read or have ADHD, he didn’t really think much about these situations. Me being the latter, I did. After reading countless HiE stories, I had planned exactly for this kind of situation. Albeit, I was still a little shocked after all that had happened, but I still remembered it.
“Uh, you see, miss…?” I stopped, playing the role of the idiot, even though I knew fully well what her name was. She smiled at me gently.
“Fluttershy. And there’s no need to call me “miss”.” She replied. I nodded to her.
“Okay then, Fluttershy. Well, this is kind of hard to explain, Fluttershy. We are kinda…from another universe.” Fluttershy gasped and her eyes widened significantly, but she stayed quiet and nodded politely. But then she got scared.
“You’re not here to take over Equestria are you?” she asked fearfully. I smiled gently down at her.
“No, Fluttershy, we’re not here to take over Equestria. In fact, what the heck is Equestria?” (Bullshit, I knew full well what Equestria was.) Fluttershy looked up at me still a little fearfully. I thought this was because I was a lot taller than her and that was naturally intimidating. I kneeled down and that seemed to calm her down some. Nate took after my lead, though he was a bit shorter, so he didn’t have to kneel so far down. Fluttershy answered somewhat more confidently now that we presented ourselves less of a threat.
“Oh, Equestria is this country right here, home to Princess Celestia!” She said with a sparkle in her eyes. Well, that was rather vague. I thought to myself. She still must not trust us enough to tell us all about this place. Hell, who am I kidding? I already know everything about this place! “If you don’t mind, could you tell me who you are?” She questioned, blushing slightly. I’m sure I had the dumbest look on my face trying to prevent a “DAWWWWWW” attack. I swear, if that Manticore doesn’t get to me first, Fluttershy’s innocence will surely kill me.
“Why, yes Fluttershy. I’m Chase, and this is my good friend Nate.” I pointed to myself , then to Nate to introduce ourselves. Nate waved somewhat shyly.
“Uh, hi. I believe we got off on the wrong foot, er hoof.” He said, extending his hand gently. Fluttershy took it, and shook it somewhat awkwardly. I’m sure the only other hand she may have ever shaken was Spike’s, but probably only once when they met. After we both properly introduced ourselves, Fluttershy began to make small talk with us.
“So, where are you from?” She asked us softly.
“We’re from a place called Earth.” Nate answered appropriately. I thought I heard a swish of air behind me, but when I looked back, all there was was the unchanged scenery. I turned back around slowly, passing it off as the wind. Then I heard a loud thump, followed by a much softer thump a second later. I turned around and saw Nate slumped to the ground, with a rapidly swelling bump on the back of his head.
Another swish of air rapidly rushed by me, along with a trail of rainbow. My eyes widened in realization. You have GOT to be shitting me . I thought to myself. When I turned around, I saw a swiftly approaching not to mention pissed looking Rainbow Dash making a beeline straight for me. I would have face palmed, but Rainbow Dash decided to help me out a little.
“Oh, fuck me..” Was all I could get out before I was bucked violently right in the face.
Everything went immediately black as my world spun into the world of unconsciousness.
Author's Notes: If you made it this far, I congratulate you highly for putting up with my bullshit. I admit it probably started off slow and stupid, but it only goes uphill from here! Do you think I should continue this grand adventure of shenanigans? Did you think it was funny? Please rate fairly on my latest piece of bull, or of course you could be heartless and kill me with insults. Your call.
My Adventures in Equestria
Chapter 2: This Chapter Sucks
I woke up groggily, my head pounding like a bass drum. My vision was somewhat blurry for a few moments, but I could see shapes moving around me. My hearing also seemed to have taken a blow form the well… blow. Everything sounded like I was underwater. I looked over slowly and saw that Nate was still out. After a few more minutes, I decided that I was sleepy, and fell asleep, this time due to pure tiredness, not because I was just bucked in the face by a pony moving at roughly ninety miles an hour.
When I woke up for good, I could see and hear a lot better, but that didn’t mean I was happy with what I saw. Because what was looking back didn’t look too thrilled either. Looking back down at me were a pissed off Mane 6, save for Fluttershy and Applejack. Fluttershy was living up to her name and being shy, and Applejack was just looking at us warily, like she really didn’t think we were a threat, but didn’t want to take a chance.
Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash were looking at us like we could pop up at any minute with some C4 in our hands and go on a rampage. Pinkie was probably just thought this was all a game, so I really didn’t think about her too seriously. Fluttershy was trying to speak up, but no words came out. So I did the second rational thing of the day.
I scrambled across the floor in a panic. Some might say I was just being a baby, but trust me, getting kicked in the nose once was five times too many for me.
“Hey, what the- what’s going on here?” I panicked, looking around me in a hurry. I saw that it was Twilight’s library. Twilight glared at me, but her expression softened somewhat when she saw how scared I was. If there was anything I had learned out of life so far, it was stay low, and look weak and pathetic. It may sound stupid, but hey, it worked. Even so, I was really scared of them. I’d never seen a death warrant before, but the expression their eyes gave me was a good idea.
“I’m Twilight Sparkle.” She said to me, her eyes and tone not as harsh after figuring out I was intimidated. It didn’t help much considering Rainbow still looked like she was going to reach down my throat and pull out my intestines. Aren’t my thoughts just a field of sunshine and flowers? “Who are you, and what are you doing here?” She asked, still a little stern.
“My name’s Chase, and this is Nate.” I answered, somewhat irritably, having already explained it to Fluttershy. “And as to why…or how we ended up here is a complete mystery to me.” I finished simply. They all looked immediately to Applejack, since she was basically a lie detector with flesh. She looked back at them.
“I don’t see no lie in his words. But ah’m still a little nervous about ‘em.” She said. I decided to not take that personally, me and Nate being aliens in this world and all. I wouldn’t trust a couple of creatures a lot bigger and foreign looking right off the bat either. I sighed, and said.
“Look, I know this must all be very weird to you, because believe me, it’s been weird for me. But please take into account, you shouldn’t attack and capture the alien that comes to your world. What if they came offering peace and prosperity?” I wasn’t really sure where this came from, but hey, it’s true. I continued. “I don’t know where you get the idea that we’re going to hurt you all, because we’re not. We find ourselves lost in the middle of a dark forest, don’t know if the life on this planet is friendly, or if the planet even HAS life. It may be hard for all of you to understand, but it’s pretty hard to plan the domination of a species when you’re lost in an unknown place.”
I didn’t know where this came from either, but again I rolled with it. If I found myself on any other planet, this would be how I act. It’s harder than you think to keep up the lost and confused foreigner when you already know about everyone there. Then again, that could just be the ADHD speaking up again. How does Coal Buck do it?
Anyways, now that they didn’t look so hostile, I found it a lot easier to relax. Nate was now stirring slightly and moaning in pain beside me. Applejack actually surprised me somewhat and came over to me and sat down. She had a soft understanding look on her face as she looked over at me.
“So, lost on a foreign world? Ah know what that feels like. Don’t worry none, we’re gonna get’cha back home right quick.” Fuck. How do you explain to a bunch of ponies from a different world that you’ve inhabited for about three hours that you want to stay? Making true procrastinators proud, I put that problem at the back of my mind. I assumed Applejack was talking about when she moved to Fillydelphia was it? Canterlot? No, that’s not it…I think. Anyways when she moved to that whatever you call it city, all the high class was too alien for her. Well, this certainly was alien for me, albeit it was the coolest alien planet you could land on.
At least 20% cooler. Sorry. You know I had to. I came back to reality and saw that Applejack was still sitting there looking at me and Nate, trying to make sense of us. Nate finally opened his eyes and stared at me groggily.
“Welcome back to Equestria, finally decide to join us?” I joked over at him.
“Shut up, asshole, I got kicked in the back of the skull. I’m lucky I woke up at all.” He moaned back. When he looked at Applejack, his eyes widened slightly and he backpedaled across the floor. I guess he wasn’t too confident about being around another pony with strong back legs.
“Heh, don’t worry about them anymore.” I assured him. “They’re cool now…. most of them at least.” I added warily as I glanced over at Rainbow Dash, who glared back at me. He shot up and began to walk away.
“Well, if you don’t mind me, I am going to go get a stick!” he proclaimed. Everypony else looked at him like he was insane, while I just held back my laughter. He was probably going to get it for protection after he saw what I did with it, but he could always blame it on being kicked in the back of the head by a moving object. He came back with one moment later, twirling it contentedly in his hand. “It would all be complete if we were British, eh?”
I just sat there and nodded stupidly, bearing a wide grin on my face. He looked around confusedly. “What?” I burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter. Now everypony was looking at us BOTH as if we were insane. Hell, for all I know, I could be insane. I could be in a mental institution right now just dreaming this all. But hey, sane until proven Cupcakes right? Pinkie joined in on the laughter, leaning against me for support. After a few minutes, we calmed down a bit, wiping tears from our eyes.
Then, my mind was completely blown for like the fourth time, was it? Ah, let’s just say for the umpteenth time. So yeah, my mind was yet again blown as another person came bursting through the door. My friend Ireland rushed into the room with a squirt gun and started spraying everypony with it. Rarity feinted, along with Fluttershy, Twilight screamed, and Pinkie countered with a squirt gun of her own. Everypony else looked like they didn’t know what to do.
“I’ll save you guys!” She shouted, continuing her onslaught. I shouted back at her
“What the hell? Ireland, we’re not in any danger!” She looked around at her reign of terror before saying
“Oopsies.” I facepalmed, along with pretty much everyone else in the room. She then spoke up. “Hey, anypony wanna come adventure with me?” Pinkie immediately yelled
“Ohh, that sounds fun, can I come? Huh, can I?!?!” And with that they burst out the window, camo face paint magically
appearing on their faces. Now this prompted a huge “What. The. Fuck.” from me. It seemed that Ireland was the human version of Pinkie. Loud, unpredictable, destructive when prompted, and completely fucking random. That’s exactly why I love her too. I looked back at the soaked ponies before, and they glared back. I raised my hands in surrender.
“Hey, hey, it’s not my fault that she came through here and destroyed the place, is it?” I asked, trying to stand my ground. Continued glares told me that, yes, somehow it WAS my fault. Ughh. I thought to myself. It seemed that even on different planets that things came out as my fault. Twilight decided to spare me big time and just dried everything up with a simple spell. I made a mental note to later make up for the mess to everypony even though Twi had cleaned it up.
I literally had no idea how Ireland had ended up here as well, but if I knew her well enough, she would pop up whenever you least expect it, like when you’re taking a shower. My fate was in her hands. I gulped to myself and decided to change the subject. “So, uh, you girls have anything for lunch?” I asked instead, realizing suddenly I was hungry as SHIT.
Applejack lit up.
“Apples!” She almost shouted, before running out of the room. I was confused for a moment as to what she was talking about, but then I realized she must be trying to get us to test her apples. Sure enough, she came back moments later with two bushels of apples on her back. She laid them on the ground and looked up at us with sparkling eyes. Even if I didn’t freaking love apples, there was no way I’d be able to resist those eyes.
Damn you again cartoon world full of adorableness! I shrugged and bit into the apple before me. And I appropriately jizzed so unbelievably hard Nightmare Moon Felt it on the moon. Just kidding, but seriously, I almost did. It was by far the best, juiciest, crispiest damn apple I have ever had. Don’t get any ideas either you pervs, because you know I did. Anyways, Nate seemed encouraged by my reaction, which I’m sure was as close as I could get to a “ME FUCKING GUSTA” face. He too nearly had an overload by the deliciousness of the apples.
We looked towards each other, thinking the exact same thing. He narrowed his eyes and whispered
“You can’t eat all those apples.” I grinned evilly and whispered back
“Forget you I can’t eat all these apples.” I didn’t want to offend anypony, considering their world was tons more innocent than our world. And with the challenge accepted, we both dove into our separate baskets and ate as many apples as we could. About 15 minutes in, we couldn’t force ourselves to even think about eating another apple, let alone eating another one. Yet we hadn’t seemed to have gained any weight whatsoever.
Cartoon physics aren’t too shabby. Well, with what little maturity we have returned, we began to look around the library. I saw a magazine lying on the table. Having nothing else to do, I picked it up, while Nate just laid back and relaxed. He wasn’t going to read anything more than 10 words unless we were Skyping each other or something of the sort. The magazine was called the “Ponies Digest”, which I’m sure is the Equestrian equivalent of Readers Digest. An article on the front titled “Pleasure Spots You Never Knew You Had” caught my attention. I looked at it, and the longer I read, the bigger my shit-eating grin got.
Consequences be damned, this was too good to pass up. I shook Nate and showed him the article. I had to force him to read it, but once he did, he got an even bigger shit-eating grin. He looked at me with raised eyebrows, and I nodded in approval. Even though it would probably elicit sexual reactions from them, and Nate wasn’t too clean on the subject, even he had to admit it was too rich to pass up. Number 8 was particularly eye-catching. We wouldn’t use all of them, we weren’t THAT heartless.
We were probably going to get so beaten up for this, but hey, it will be fun while it lasts, right?
Author's Notes: Well, I have 32 tabs open in 3 separate windows. On a note actually related to the story, sorry the chapter sucks. This is what happens when you can't think straight. Anyways, can you guys help me with story arc suggestions? I've got at least two good ones, but you know, they can only last for so long... So yah, mission for you guys! Do all my thinking for me! Just kidding. But it would be really helpful if you could help me out with that. Bye for now!
My Adventures in Equestria
Chapter 3: Let the Shenannagins Commence!
I decided to test the Pegasi one first. Apparently, there’s a spot right at the base of the wing that causes the wing to go into an immediate erect state. I’ve heard of insta-boners and wing boners, but let’s see what happens when those two things combine, shall we?
Since it was too cruel to do to Fluttershy (and by the way that should be a crime punishable by death) I decided to venture over to the friendly neighborhood (heh, NEIGHborhood) Rainbow Dash. She glared at me but didn’t do anything to stop me. I looked innocently at her wings and she looked at me funny.
“Uh, what are you staring at?” she asked warily. I just shrugged and pointed at her wings.
“Those.” I replied simply. She just shook her head and shrugged it off. I could still see her peeking at me out of the corner of her eyes though, so I knew I wasn’t completely off the hook. It would be hard to get in an opportunity to get her since Nate and I were still on her shit list. Plus, it was a very concealed spot right at the base of the wing, so I’d have to be practically giving her a massage to do it. But you know what?
Fuck it. I came up with a game plan. Nate was still sitting on the couch waiting for me to do something. I leaned over a little more and asked “Hey, what are your wings made of?” I asked innocently enough. She looked at me really weird this time. Hey, I probably would too.
“Uh, muscle, bone, flesh?” I facepalmed.
“Besides the obvious I mean. Like how do they work?” She raised an eyebrow but continued. I admit it wasn’t the best opportunity to get to do the trick, but hey, it was the best I could conceive on such short notice. But maybe the base of the wing would become a subject on the topic. I mean that is where the wing stems from, right? She met my thoughts hand in hand.
“Well, the wing forms at the side of a Pegasi’s body, someplace between the spine and the abdomen.” I interrupted her and looked for the third fore-feather. I found it and pushed softly.
“Right here, right?” She didn’t have a chance to respond as her wings unfurled immediately with the fanon “POMF” noise. Well, guess it’s canon now. Her face went completely red and she sprung up and ran out of the room shouting,
“Yes, there!” I somehow managed to keep a somewhat straight face while Nate fell off the back of the couch to conceal his laughter. I just hoped my face was blank as I deadpanned
“What?” I heard Nate still rolling around with laughter behind the couch and the laughter was contagious. My face cracked into the biggest grin ever as me and Pinkie joined in on the laughter. I’m sorry, that was just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen some funny shit. Soon, the entire room was encased with giggles. Well, guess it’s time for number 8. I can kiss my life goodbye.
If the article served correct, if you squeeze the fifth ring on a unicorn’s horn, a burst of something called “pleasure magic” comes out. In other words, insta-horngasm. This world treats me too well for all the ponies good. Skip the formalities and innocence on this one; it was time to go ham in this bitch. Rarity, Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie (who had somehow reappeared) had all gathered around the table. Disregard aliens, acquire friendship.
I snuck up behind Twilight. Applejack and Rarity almost shouted out, but with a devious grin and a finger to my lips, they stayed quiet. With the precision of a Faze fan boy, I positioned my fingers right over the fifth ring, as stated in the book. Liftoff in three, two, one…Bam! I squeezed lightly and a whole shit-ton of the so called “pleasure magic” shot out from her horn. But I forgot one thing. I was standing directly behind her. Her legs shout out instinctively and shot me
cross the room into a bookshelf.
Nate, who had previously just recovered from his laugh attack, was launched into yet another fit. I myself wasn’t sure if the pain in my side was from getting kicked across the room or because of the laughing I was doing. Like I said, cartoon physics aren’t too shabby. Realistically, I should have two hoof shaped holes in my stomach. Instead all I got was a splitting pain. Hmmm, not sure if gusta. I composed myself long enough to look at the extent of the damage.
That pleasure magic stuff, well to say the least, it looked EXACTLY like semen. That, coupled with the fact that Applejack and Rarity were now plastered to the wall by it, sent me back into a laughing fit. Twilight hid under her forehooves, her face also completely. She looked absolutely mortified. Mission accomplished. And from what the article said, you can’t just summon it away. And as funny as it is to imagine some of that stuff falling out of the sky onto some poor pony, it looked like AJ and Rarity had another good hour of hang time on the wall.
The look on their faces alone was enough to send me into yet another side splitting laugh attack. I haphazardly dug myself out of the pile of books and collapsed on the floor. Nate tried to get back up, but fell right back down without support on the couch. Twilight had gotten back up, her face still beet red. But now instead of embarrassment, her face was red out of anger. Her horn glowed brightly, charging up a powerful and probably rather painful spell. Fuck.
BOOM! With a sound like lightning, a bolt of what looked like rainbow lightning shot at me. Double fuck. With a painful blast of energy I shot out the wall of the library and vaulted into the ground and slid about, oh five hundred or so feet. Jeez, talk about a Kamehameha. I thought to myself wearily. A scroll magically appeared near my head and I popped it open. It read,
Dear Mr. Chase Merritt, it has come to my attention that you have defied the laws of life and injury three times now. From hence forward you now apply to these laws. Pinkie Physics still apply but nothing else.
Yours Truly, Discord.
“Fuck you too.” I muttered under my breath. Great, not a day in Equestria and I get my immortality privileges revoked. Another note popped up. All this one said was “Language. Dollar in the swear jar.” Smart ass. I crumpled this one up. Twilight came running up to me with a worried look on her face.
“Oh, Celestia, I’m sorry! I didn’t think it would affect you that much!” I chuckled and got up carefully.
“Heh, don’t be. I deserved that fully.” She was now looking confused. Wait, how did you even survive that? A force that strong would have ripped a normal pony to shreds!” I shrugged and showed her the note Discord sent me. She read it and sighed.
“Figures.” She muttered. “Seems like something he would do.” I tried to look bewildered and asked.
“Who’s this Discord figure anyway?”(Bullshit count plus one) She sighed again, more heavily this time.
“He’s just the deity of Chaos. He’s more of an innocent troublemaker than anything else, but it really gets annoying.” I nodded in understanding. But that presents a problem. If Discord is Discord and Pinkie is Pinkie, I’m like their unborn child. Random, chaotic, and the off chance of being bat shit insane. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell. Better resist my urges to cause some shenanigans. What? I didn’t say I would completely bottle them up. I would probably explode.
Anyways, Twilight and I walked back to her home, where some of the “magic” was disintegrating. The sight still brought a few chuckles. I went up to AJ and Rarity, who were still plastered to the wall. I really did feel bad about that part; I wasn’t expecting such a discharge of that magnitude. It’s not my fault she let it build up like that.
“Hey, sorry about the uh, you know.” I started, unsure where to take this. Applejack just shook her head a little.
“S’alright I reckon. Just a little messy is all.” Damn my mind. Rarity groaned a little.
“Ugh, this will take forever to get out of my coat and mane! You’re just lucky I’ve been in this situation and know how to get it out properly.” I looked at Applejack, who had raised her eyebrows at me to confirm what she had just said. Did Rarity just discreetly hint that she had been in a cumshot situation before? I guess she did, because we both burst into laughter. Rarity looked at us weirdly. “What?” She asked, utterly confused. Applejack managed to choke out,
“I never knew you engaged in such "uncouth" activities Rarity.” She said, putting an emphasis on the word “uncouth”. Now this was this dirt at its finest! I hoped I got to use this as blackmail later. I know it makes me sound like a dick and all, but hey, if you’d uncovered something like that, you’d be itching to use it too. I walked back over to Nate, who stared at me.
“Dude, how the hell did you survive that? You got Falcon punched by a bolt of lightning!” I showed him Discord’s letter. He grinned after he finished reading it. “I think that means I still got all three of my strikes left!” He said confidently. A letter popped up. It read,
“Nope. What happens to him applies to you as well.” Under the “Nope” was a picture of Engineer with his neck stretched out. When I get some free time, we need to meme it the hell up. Nate growled. “Dang, I was really hoping to free fall off of Canterlot Mountain. I wanted to see ponies face’s when I smashed into the ground.” Pinkie came hopping over at that moment.
“Twilight says she needs you two guys at the table!” Nate and I turned around to see that Applejack and Rarity were finally off the wall. Everypony except Rainbow Dash was gathered around the table. She hadn’t been seen since the “incident”. Twilight looked serious. Hope I wasn’t still in trouble from earlier. I’ll be okay with any punishment as long as they stay gentle. Mind…Fuck. Off.
“As you both already know, we still don’t know what brought you here. But I do have a spell that I believe can send you back. I have tested this spell on occasion before, and it appears to have worked.” She looked at us expectantly, waiting for an answer, any sign of elation or eagerness of the news. Son of a bitch… I honestly didn’t know how to respond to this. My procrastination has screwed me over once again. If humans could still get cutie marks here, I swear mine would be for procrastination.
Come to think of it, what would that look like? A due date and a hastily done shit paper? Not too shabby I guess. I looked to Nate to see what he wanted to do. He just gave me a look that said “You’re on your own.” Dick. I looked back at Twilight, and said,
“Well, could we just have another night here?” I tried. It didn’t sound so much like a legitimate question, more like the kind of question that someone asks when they’re trying to come up with an excuse that even they don’t believe. Everypony’s eyebrows rose, and I tried again. “Well, it’s not every day you get to stay on an alien planet right?” Twilight took the bait.
“Well, I guess I could teach you some things about Equestrian society?” She asked a little hesitantly. I probably would be too. You know, I wouldn’t be too comfortable about teaching someone, uh, somepony about our society. Too bad we already knew about all about them. But it wasn’t like I was going to say “Nah, I already know all about you! There are no brakes on the rape train, so prepare your anus!”
Come to think of it, I don’t think that would be a good thing to say to a member of any species. I nodded and elbowed Nate so he would too. I hoped that I could stay long enough and pretend to learn enough to say that we wanted to stay. Then I would go on a rant saying how shitty our world was and stuff. It may not seem like I’m putting much thought into this, but I really am. I’m just chill about most things. I know what some of you are thinking right now. Probably something along the lines of
“Why would you abandon humanity like that? Even if no one else is nice, think about the bronies!” Honestly, I could easily blame it on ADHD and not thinking out anything because of impulse. But for once, that actually wouldn’t be true. In fact I have thought about this a lot. And don’t think for one second that I wouldn’t regret leaving all my friends behind. Even though the friends I have are great, and I mean pretty fucking awesome friends, I have way more enemies.
My ADHD labels me an outcast. Regular ADHD may not be so bad, I have managed to get the “Let’s goof the fuck off and make people laugh” gene of it. Now, that’s how I made my friends and why I can come up with funny retorts and completely random funny sentences. But the “others” just acted friendly so they didn’t have to tell me how much of an idiot I was acting. And the “other others” were just complete assholes.
My parents love me and I know that, but let’s face facts. They hated who I was. Funny, yes. But lazy, pro procrastinator, stubborn, and had a complete disregard for rules. I could be in a shitty mood, but as soon as someone else was around, I’d just hide it. But as soon as the folks come into the picture, it’s back inside of Assholes Inc. And I hated the world we lived in. Bronies and other decent people trying to make a difference, I loved and respected, but everyone else I despised.
So yeah, rant over. Twilight began with
“Now, Equestria was made about three thousand years ago, under Princess Celestia’s rule when she was born from her parents Solar Flare and Moon Rock. I thought to myself, Ugh, it’s going to be a long night.
Authors Notes: Hey there everyone! SSRD is back! At least for this story. I've been a little shitty lately with everything, and I haven't really felt like writing at all. Expect more updates on this story more than any other at the moment. Sorry if the chapter is a little substandard, it just feels like it is to me. And in the meantime, I've come up with a few story arcs! Yay for not writing for like 2 months so I can brainstorm! Joking aside, Hope you like the chapter, and I hope I can motivate myself to keep writing. Happy reading!
My Adventures in Equestria
Over the next three or so hours, I learned about the makings of Equestria and its history. Nate fell asleep about twenty minutes in, and I had to tell Twilight that was to be expected. She seemed to feel a little better after I told her that. I wouldn’t feel too good if someone fell asleep if I was talking either. I now have a new respect for teachers.
The lesson actually wasn’t bad to be honest. I never knew that Celestia’s parent’s names were Solar Flare and Moon Rock. I never really paid any attention to the fanon names for her parents, so I don’t know if any of them are right. I also learned that Equestria has had a couple wars over Celestia’s reign. One with Zebras, one with Griffons, and there was actually a civil war when Luna was banished.
Apparently her followers weren’t too pleased their goddess being sent to the moon. So they rebelled, and they actually almost won too. The only thing that stopped them was Celestia’s giant magical barrier, which held them back long enough to be detained. Since then, no wars have occurred. I guess no one wanted to piss off the moon banisher after that.
Anyways, I was actually kind of hooked after that. My inner learning nerd came out after a long coffee break and it felt awesome. I haven’t been too happy with learning after this year in 9th grade when we stopped learning interesting things about things that actually apply to real life. When I get stopped at a stop light, I highly doubt that the first thing I’m going to do is break out my notes for “The Imaginary Number I” and “Quadratic Formula” and shit like that.
Twilight kindly offered me the guest room but I told Nate he could take it, that couch was damn comfortable! And besides, even though he and I are like brothers to each other, I still wasn’t going to sleep with him yet. I and Nate stayed up late sitting outside. I turned to him and asked,
“What do you want to do about all this? I mean, do we stay or not? It’s not every day you get to just wander on over to Equestria you know.” He just shrugged and replied
“I don’t know, what about Earth? You know, humans, technology?”
“I’ve thought about it, and I’m pretty sure you know me well enough to know what I’m going to say.” I said with raised eyebrows. He sighed and rolled his eyes. In a cheap imitation of my voice he answered
“Screw everyone else, we’re in Equestria, Twilight knows a spell that can send us back and we can just reality jump whenever we feel like it.” I sniffed and said
“I give it an eight out of ten. Would bang.” He shrugged.
“Good enough for me.”
“So, do you wanna stay or not?” I asked with a small frown, waiting his answer. It took him a minute to answer, and every second my frown got bigger and bigger. He finally sighed and said
“I guess we stay.” My frown turned into a grin and I punched him on the shoulder.
“Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about. I can see it now, Chase and Nate, Equestrian badasses!” We laughed and he said
“Welp, I’m going to go to bed man, you coming in?” I shook my head slightly.
“Nah, think I’m going to stay out here for a bit longer, think about some stuff.” He just shrugged.
“Okay, see you tomorrow morning I guess.” With that, he shut the door and disappeared inside. I laid back on the slightly moist grass and thought. Who would’ve known I would end up with here with my best friend? Now I’m kind of pissed that I actually did the homework and now I don’t get to turn it in . It seemed every time that I actually did homework, the universe said “Nope! Screw you; it’s not graded this time! Don’t worry, it will be tomorrow, but you won’t do it anyways!” This time I ended up in Equestria.
Ah, fuck whether the homework’s graded or not, I’m in god damn Equestria! And it feels good to be away from all the bustle of life, and just look up and see stars! You know what; I’m going for a walk. It’s too nice out not to. I’d better be careful, don’t want to get caught and kicked in the face now that that Discord McDick has gone and reverted me back to being able to be injured. Good thing I’m a self-proclaimed ninja!
I strolled through town, picking up as much as I could in the darkness. I could pick out houses and businesses, though if you asked me what they were, I would have said “Pass” kicked you in the shins and ran away. Nothing personal, it’s just business.
I could distinctly see Sugar Cube Corner and Carousel Boutique however. I mean, it’s not like it’s that hard to pick out a giant candy house and a huge Merry Go Round. I continued to just wander about, occasionally stopping to just look up at the sky. Man, Luna does a good job with her work. I never saw in the show just how perfectly she places every star to fit the sky.
I began to walk back to Twilight’s to finally get some sleep, still looking skyward. Suddenly, I was tackled by some invisible force. I was so surprised that I couldn’t even yell out. Or, maybe that the fact I was just slammed into really hard. I tumbled for a couple dozen feet and came to a halt. I found I could talk again.
“Son of a bitch!” Was the first thing that intelligently left my mouth. I rubbed my ribs tenderly, trying to soothe the pain. I looked around for whatever had hit me, and I found my answer in the form of a pissed looking Rainbow Dash. And when I say pissed, I mean she looked like she was going to rip my head off and shit down my neck. Sunshine and daisies.
Well, looks like I’m screwed. This is probably about earlier, and I imagine retribution from her isn’t going to be too pleasant.
“Hey, what you did to me back there was totally not cool! It was embarrassing, mortifying, totally uncool……” she paused, trying to come up with more reasons.
“Totally hot?” I supplied for her. She stopped doing everything to look at me in surprise. She then punched me in the jaw with her hoof.
“Alright, I was going to let you off easy, you being new here and all, but now you’re just asking for it.” Looks like my mouth finally caught up with me. Dear old father always said it would happen one day. Never would have guessed for a moment it would be a pony bringing the heat. When she tried to pin me totally again, I caught her hoof and flipped her over, effectively disorienting her. I got up and started running away as fast as I could.
I heard her yell from behind me “You can’t outrun me!” I knew I wouldn’t be able to outrun her. Nobody in their right mind would try to do that. But I decided to lead her on a little.
“Yeah, well there’s this thing we say back on Earth!” I yelled back to her. She answered with
“Yeah, and what would that be?” I smirked to myself.
“A for effort!” I said as I stopped in my tracks and went down a side ally suddenly, throwing her for a loop. I heard her zoom past me milliseconds after I ducked in the ally, barely cutting it. I began to race through the maze of brick wall, hoping to come out somewhere safe. I heard a whoosh overhead suddenly. Shit, that’s right, she can fly. So basically Pac-man got hacks and can fly above the ghosts, and can dive bomb the shit out of them.
And I’m the only ghost left. Now instead of just accepting my fate, I decide to try one last option. I tried to stay low and move slowly and quietly. Of course it won’t work because A. The universe hates me or B. Because all Pegasi have amazing sight. She trapped me on my way out and threw me to the ground. Instinctively, I held my hands and forearms in front of me protectively. But the beating didn’t come.
Instead, my sides started to feel like they were being…tickled! Ah, son of a bitch, how do you tickle with hooves ? Dammit Pinkie physics! She was actually tickling me! I thought she was going to beat me up! This is like the Chuck Testa of punishments! There is no way I’m taking this up the ass; two can play at the tickle game!
Using her chest as leverage, I flipped her over and started to get her right back. I tickled everywhere I could reach, and soon she was just one big adorable pile of colors. God damn you Rainbow Dash giggle, Y U SO ADORABLE? I stopped tickling her as I heard a faint whooshing sound coming up behind me. I turned around and saw a pink blur speeding towards me. Pinkie Pie.
“Three can play the tickle game!!!” She yelled at me as she sped closer and closer. Part of me was thinking Oh, fuck! And the other was thinking Hey! She stole my line! I was so focused on thinking that I let her smash into me. She began to tickle my sides vigorously. Dammit! How does she know I’m ticklish there?! Why are you doing this to me dear sweet Celestia above? Why do you hate me so?
She pinned me to the ground and Rainbow began her unrelenting assault on my sides. I would have pissed myself had it been for the fact I hadn’t drank anything since arriving. But that didn’t stop me from laughing my ass off. Soon, my sides were splitting and I was gasping for air on the ground like a fish.
“So, officer Dash, you think we got what we want from this joker?” Pinkie asked in a serious tone. Rainbow looked at her, obviously as confused as I was.
“Pinkie what are you-” Rainbow started but was cut off.
“That’s Officer Pie to you!” Rainbow was nonplussed.
“Pinkie,”
“Officer Pie!”
“Okay, fine ‘Officer Pie’ what do you think?” Rainbow finally groaned. Pinkie put on her “thinking face” and, well thought. If I wasn’t so fearful for the safety of my ribs, I would have been more focused she was on being in character and how kinky she would be. Lucky for me, I wasn’t being a total pervert for now. Pinkie finally responded.
“I think the suspect has been fully detained. For now.” With that last sentence she narrowed her eyes for a moment and perked back up. “Well, that was fun! See you two tomorrow!” She said in her normal happy go lucky attitude and walked back inside Sugar Cube Corner. I turned to Rainbow pleadingly.
“Was that mindrape enough punishment for me please?” Rainbow just shook her head and walked away. “Okay…I’ll just that as a yes…” I called halfheartedly. I decided to walk back to Twilight’s and finally get some sleep. When I last looked up, it was around ten or so, so I imagine now it’s probably eleven. Well, that’s not too bad, but after being teleported to Equestria, chased by a Manticore, nearly being eaten by one, kicked in the head, bucked through a wall, and tickled till my sides had internal damaging, I was pretty worn out.
As I was walking, I cursed Equestria’s lack of lighting in the streets. I ran into a trash can, which scared the fuck out of a couple cats, ran right into a street sign, and tripped over a tree root. It took me a while to find it again, it being pitch black and all, but I eventually found her house again. I walked up to the door, finally glad to be soon freed from the grasp of reality into sleep.
But when I went to the door, it didn’t budge. I tried again and again, as if it would help. I knew exactly what had happened too. That asshole…
Author's Notes: Is it just me, or are these chapter's getting shorter? Anyways, sorry for the lag in chapters again, I'm one lazyy shit.