Chapters in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
1. we are not in equestria anymore
"so, are you sure this here spell wont guzzle everything' up twi?" Applejack asked with a hint of worry in her voice. "i'm certain. we will be fine." said an overconfident twilight. "NEVER, and i mean NEEEEEVER, say stuff like that! bad things are bound to happen!" warned a well-aware rainbow dash. "relax worry-florry! twilight's done this same exact thing dozens of times!" said an overly cheerful pinkie pie. as they all sat themselves in a small group, twilight's horn began to glow. about 2 minutes later, they soon discovered themselves in a forest, well, a tiny one if i may add. but, something was.......OFF about it. in the center were several large greenish boxes outlined with yellow stripes. and the boxes were surrounding a flagpole with a rather unusual banner fluttering about in the breeze. the flag was striped red and white, with a blue square in the upper-left corner studded with 50 stars. "well, we may not have teleported to where we wanted to go, but at least wherever we are is civilized." twilight said. all of a sudden, they heard a loud, low rumble 100 feet away from where they were. quickly, they snuck into a bush and held their breath. 5 seconds.....10, they were about to turn blue when a massive hulking metal creature appeared up a small road. as it rolled past the bush, they could get a better look at it. it seemed to roll on rubber "feet" if that's what they could call it, and it had a big square box on top of its body, with a long tube sticking out. then they heard shouts further away. listening, they could just make out the fake cries of "get that tank up there! these Russian bastards aint gonna fuck with us when we have a second tank!" and "but sir, the noobs driving the second one!" "such foul language those ruffians have!" exclaimed a disgusted rarity. "i agree, but whats a darn-tootin' tank?" applejack asked, puzzled. "someponies pet turtle, if i can guess." rainbow suggested. fluttershy had hid in the back of the group when the tank rolled by. "i-i hope they are friendly." then they saw at least ten bipedal creatures dressed in strange clothing run after the metal creature. the one up front yelled out orders to the ones following him. "lets go go go!" we cant let the noob drive into 10 support classes right now! hustle men, hustle!" soon, the creatures were gone, except for one. he had stopped after catching something peculiar in the corner of his eye. he creeped toward the bush, and upon seeing the 6 ponies, all except for applejack and rainbow dash, looking afraid, uttered 3 words: "WHAT. THE. FUCK." 1 second later, a loud crack was heard, before something flew into the things head, blood and brains spilled out as the creature let out a yell, then fell to the ground, dead. at that moment, everyone, including rainbow dash, screamed. fluttershy was crying and muttering over and over, " i wanna go home! i wanna go home! i wanna go home!" twilight then asked rainbow to fly up into the sky and scan the surroundings from above, which she did at breakneck speeds.
she noticed more of those giant metal things traveling in packs down roads, and saw that when the black ones encountered the yellow ones, they shot out beams of light at one another until either of them exploded. she then saw a very tall metal tower, with a strange flying metal contraption carrying more of those things. so, wanting answers, she flew towards it.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
(5 minutes earlier) the enginner and medic were having a heck of a time in the transport chopper. unfortunately for them, their pilot none other had to be Simon, the noob's only friend on bf 3. "hey, hey, noob number two, do you think you can let either me or recon fly, please?" the engineer asked, growing more worried as the chopper dipped and spun. "nah, you guys stay on the guns, i'll be the pilot!" Simon said rather calmly. "ugh, why did we have to get stuck with the two noobs on our team?" engineer said. "relax. we'll jump out on the hilltop when he err, quote on quote, flies over there." the medic replied. by then, they had reached the radio tower. it's intimidatingly tall steel structure overlooking the battlefield. (2 minutes later) Rainbow dash had noticed that the flying things was spinning and dipping about, like it was hurt or something. when she was about 5 feet away from it, she suddenly stopped. the thing immediatly stopped then just hovered there for a second. the creatures inside and rainbow looked at each other, eyes wide, with confusion, fear, and questions in their heads. "yup, its official. someone hacked the game!" the creature with facial hair and a small headset said. all of a sudden, rainbow saw another flying machine, except this one was bristling with tube things mounted on both of its wings, as well as a single tube underneath its chin, and this one only held two of the creatures. it shot more beams of light at the other flying machine, which went down in a fiery inferno. as the creatures inside screamed as they burned to death, she could not help but feel shock, and a bit of sympathy for the creatures. back on the ground, the rest of the mane 6 were worried. they decided to go out and look for her, despite the risk. they then heard more of the creatures, 6 of them, in a group talking to each other. "if you would have listened to me, we would not have had c4 on our metal asses noob!" the one they called "noob" barked back, not sure what to say. "well, uh, this guy! this guy's to good with his knife!" he motioned toward a very muscular creature who looked like he was used to whatever was going on. they noticed he had a large golden eagle on his helmet, and the number 100 just below it. "soldier, deal with it!" he gruffed out in a voice that would put buck norris to shame. "we can thank DICE for the paper bullets they put in the sniper rifles! i keep getting kill assist!" the other wearing a black mask with a hoodie said. "noob, your dipshit friend back there got us killed after stopping the helicopter for too long!" the one with a headset said. "guys." the one with dark brown skin said. "all you ever use is your dumb knife!" the noob jabbered on. "guys." "its like the bullets just bounce off or something!" sniper complained. "GUYS!!!!" the medic finally screamed. i think the game has been hacked. he immediately pointed to the 5 ponies, 6 after he saw a blue pegasus fly down and land next to them, and motioned to his buddies. "AH FUCK! FUCK NO! IM NOT
PLAYING WITH HACKERS!" the raging engineer said, but went over to check them out anyway. when they all met the ponies, face to face, the medic did one thing he regretted 5 seconds later. he took aim with his m16a3 at rainbow dash, and fired.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
rainbow immediately screamed in agonizing pain as her friends tried to help her. as applejack pulled her up, glaring menacingly at the medic, rainbow asked angrily, "what did you do that for?" by then, the medic was panicking, "OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A GLITCH OR HACK OF SOME SORT BUT NOW THAT YOUR ACTUALLY IN THE GAME FOR REAL AND ALIVE, I'M SO SO-" the sniper had cupped him rather hard on the back of his face, frowning. "dude, chill the fuck out! just throw out a medkit and she'll be fine! wait, did she just talk?"
the other players were so caught up in the medics little "accident" that they weren't paying attention when dashie spoke. "well, yeah! of course we can talk! i would have stomped ya into the ground if you were not so panicky!" applejack shouted. "look, im sorry. i did not know. i just thought i was hallucinating." medic apologized, rather calmer. "i dont mean to intervene, but, where the hay are we?" applejack asked. "oh, well this is a video game called battlefield 3, and we are on the server "your banned". the sniper could tell the ponies were confused like heck. medic chimed in. "lets just explain a little more....er um, geologically. right now, we are fighting a group of 12 humans, our species, who are in turn, fighting us. we are in a country called iran, fighting a country known as russia, at this area known as-" "CASPIAN BORDEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!" the noob screamed at the top of his lungs and beyond. "SHUT UP ALREADY!!!" the sniper said. "yeah. ahem. what he said." medic said. "i'm wiseguy54, but i'm known as medic. the guy that just screamed is neebs. but we just call him the noob. he is a complete dumbass most of the time, but we still love him. the cloaked guy is hawkeye34, or just sniper. watching over you from a mile away. this is my good buddy dallydingas. or just engineer. he may enjoy overpowered weapons, but we still respect him. this guy, OH THIS GUY! is rageindacage123. we just call him the angry one. the guy with the golden eagle is shitbucket12. but he is better known as the colonel.""thanks. im twilight sparkle. this is pinkie pie, rainbow dash, applejack, rarity, and fluttershy." "you wouldn't know how to get us home do you?" medic thought for a moment. "well, i figured your not from the game, but it obviously involved magic, with you being a unicorn. but, i guess when the game ends, you might be sent home automatically." "what err, "game" is this?" "well, this is battlefield 3. the game mode we are playing is conquest. 3-5 flags that both teams need to capture. to try and drain the other sides tickets to zero. cap more flags, or (gulp) kill a member of the other team to drain tickets. once one side reaches 0, they lose." "sounds like fun! except with the killing and stuff." rainbow said. "wait, so, in order to get home, we just need to umm, s-survive until the end of the game?" "yes." medic said. "until one side runs out of tickets?" twilight asked. "yes." medic said. "so, how many tickets are there?" twilight asked. "hold on let me check. no! no no no! damn it!" rarity became anxious. "what?WHAT?" the sniper was just as curious. "what?" the 6 soldiers looked at the ticket meter and let out gasps, groans, cries, and curses. the medic hesitated. "(sigh.) 1,000 tickets." gasps erupted from the mane 6.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
After rainbow was patched up by the medic's medkit, which no one was able to explain how it worked, the 12 friends set out on their way to the u.s marine corps base. as they were approaching the center of the map, the medic asked if it would be alright for the ponies if they could wait while he and his friends captured the hilltop. the mane 6 looked up to see that the red, white, and blue striped flag was being lowered and replaced by the same flag they saw in the forest. all of a sudden, fluttershy bumped into another human, only, this one seemed way different. he was wearing a jet-black ski mask, and a black uniform. and carrying a very large tubular thing. they then saw more of them, wearing different clothing, and the giant metal box thing following close behind them.
"hey, comrades! look what i find! it appears to be a new kind of glitch or something!" the man yelled in an accented voice. two more stepped beside him, one wearing a black helmet with a matching visor, the other wearing a gas mask and with a long tube attached to his back. "HA! theyre just a bunch of those leetle ponies from that girly show!" the one with the visor remarked. "HEY! that be my favorite show!" the one with a gas mask barked. "bullshit. lets just kill em and get moving." the one with the ski mask said. "hey! no one is going to hurt us!" rainbow dash said defiantly, standing out in front. but she immediately shrank back when she saw the big metal box point its tube at her. they then saw that more soldiers had arrived, along with the flying machine rainbow saw earlier. then, all of a sudden, they all heard a war cry, then the level 100 colonel leaped out from the bushes then set about fighting the Russians with his knife, assassins creed style! after knocking down 5 of them, the other 5 bf friends came out on the attack, screeching and hooting war cries. as they all set about shooting the Russian soldiers, the flying contraption had its guns on the col. the colonel immediately ran towards the tank, grabbed hold of its front, and did the impossible by lifting its front straight off the ground, using it as a shield from the choppers rockets and machine guns. he then jumped on top of the ruined tank and propelled himself towards the chopper. he opened up the gunners cockpit door, punched him, then threw him out, where he was then subjected to cold steel along his throat. the pilot tried fighting back by pulling out his 44 magnum pistol, but the colonel shoved his arm down, causing the pilot to accidentally shoot out the controls. he was then stabbed in the chest, then he felt his tags being ripped off. luckily, the colonel had the extinguisher specialization. so he was able to fix the disabled helicopter and hover it over his now victorious team mates. as the soldiers cheered over the dead bodies of their enemies, they could not help but feel more powerful after seeing six jaw-dropped wide-eyed ponies 10 feet away. the engineer then said 4 words. "those.......were the Russians." "THOSE WERE THE RUSSIANS, NOW THEIR THE DEAD RUSSIANS! HELL YEAH!" the raging engineer screamed. rainbow then said 3 words: "that was AWESOME!!!!"
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
after recovering from their initial shock, Applejack was quite curious. "you do that every day partner?" she asked the engineer. "well, the colonel does, we just follow in his footsteps to you know, clean up the mess he made." the engineer said. then a dirty, smelly guy with a bushy mustache and eyebrows, a green hat, and a rather bloated body, approached the 12 men and ponies. "hey! good news! no more 1,000 ticket games for us! i'm lowering the ticket count to 250!" at this, all the soldiers and ponies cheered happily. the administrator just chose to ignore the ponies and just move on. thinking them nothing more than simple glitches. "but, how did it drop so fast?" twilight asked. "well, because that guy was the administrator. he basically takes charge whenever the game is played. well, only on his server at least. he basically makes the rules."
the medic said. the sniper then became suspicious.
"hey, where did the noob go?" "yeah, and wheres pinkie pie?" rarity asked. they then all heard a massive explosion, followed by a large mushroom cloud in the distance. they then saw something flying through the air. "wait, is that one of our tanks?" the sniper asked. "yeah, i think so." medic replied. the engineer was worried sick. "guys, i think- i think its coming right at us!!!!!" the medic caught on to what he was worried about and panicked too. "shit! shit! shit! shit!" as they all ran for cover, a lone enemy support player walked into the open. "where did everybody go? hello? HELLO!!!" he was then obscured by a large rectangular shadow. as he looked up, he was immediately crushed by the tank.
inside, excited yells could be heard as the noob and pinkie pie exited the tank. "oh man, you guys should have seen it! this pink pony can pull out bucket loads of c4 outta nowhere!" he chimed in excitedly to his frowning teammates. pinkie then grinned excitedly at the noob. "you wanna do it again!?" the noob grinned just as wide. "hell yeah man! lets go find some more c4! this time, we do it with two tanks! one on top of the other! it will be like the flying pancake tanks!" pinkie immediately got very very hyper. "ohhhhhh! yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!! fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun!!!" Applejack got a little bit antsy as pinkie and the noob ran off to blow crap up. "what was that all about?"
the sniper hesitated. "its just the noob being the noob." "ok, but why is that a bad thing?" she asked. "BECAUSE! that nimrod over there cost us so many games we could have won!!!" the sniper was now yelling. fluttershy did her best to calm him down. "you shouldn't be so mean to him like that. he just needs to be recognized for what he can be good at!" sniper was not listening. "he never will get good at the game! we have tried teaching him but he just wont listen! no one likes the noob! no one!"
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
As the 12 friends set out towards the checkpoint flag, they all of a sudden heard a loud buzzing above their heads. the medic was relieved at the sight of this giant silver machine. "oh, thank god! transport choppers!" Rainbow dash was quite curious. "i saw one of those by that big tower further away when we first arrived here! what are they for exactly?" the sniper decided to be the teacher for now, to let the medic relax his vocal chords a little. "oh, they're used for transporting soldiers above the battlefield. but it can be used as an offensive weapon if you have two guys occupying the gunner seats with two more engineers repairing it. but, unfortunately, most of the time, we have idiots flying those things." as they all set about boarding the chopper, the pilot gave a suspicious look. "they are not glitches. they are with us." the sniper said. the pilot then pulled back on the control yokes and the helicopter lifted off into the sky. as they were heading towards the gas station under Russian control, they started hearing multiple beeps and alarms. "damn it! we are being locked on!" "by what?" the sniper asked. "by who?" the engineer blurted. all of a sudden, a loud whoosh was heard as a flying triangle dove under the chopper, just missing it by an inch. "fucking jets!!!" the pilot screamed. the pilot hit the flares, but the 2nd missile clipped the tail. as the chopper descended a little to the ground, they could see a dozen enemies on the ground. "LIGHT EM UP!!!!" the medic screamed. 2,000 rounds of lead immediately shot out at the enemies running about, picking them off like flies. the pilot was able to get back in the air after 5 seconds, but was forced to bank the chopper to the hard right to narrowly avoid one of the two jets. unfortunately, pinkie was thrown clear out o the chopper. but, luckily, she landed right on the canopy of the other jet. the pilot inside yelped at seeing a pink pony on top of his jet. "hi!" she said before giggling. the pilot immediately barrel-rolled to shake her off, and when he thought she was gone, she appeared out of nowhere in the cockpit with him. "ooo! what do all these buttons do?" she started fiddling round with the guns, the missiles, the rocket pods, and flares, and finally, at the one button that made the pilot freeze up. "oh no!" he squeaked just before pinkie hit the eject button. the pilot was thrown clear out, but pinkie was still able to remain inside, and was more than happy to keep her new toy. the other jet was still harassing the chopper, and eventually, the duel had taken them all the way to the USMC base. the choppers health was at 10 percent, and with no other options left, the medic told everyone to bail out. as the marines parachuted to the ground, applejack and rarity were helped down by twilight and rainbow dash. the jet could not maneuver quickly enough to avoid the empty falling chopper, and collided with it in an epic mid-air explosion. "YEEAAHHHH!!!! TAKE THAT JET!" the noob screamed. "alright, how many tickets do both teams have left?" engineer asked. "uh, we have approximately 231 tickets left. the enemy has about 199-no. 198 tickets left. we have most of the flags, so they are draining fast. one last attack ought ah do it." "we can finally go home!" twilight beamed.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
after that little predicament, the 6 marines set about trying to figure out the situation. "okay, we have a large armored force of american tanks gathering en mass for a final assault on the Russian base. the colonel will provide over watch in the attack chopper. he was recently shot down by 3 stinger missiles. the rest of us will get into our tanks and press forward to join up. rainbow, since you have wings, we need you to provide an escort to the transport choppers alongside the attack choppers. fluttershy, i want you to stay at the field hospital outside the Russians base and tend to our wounded. just use my medkits. applejack, if there is any rubble blocking the roads, help out the engineers in clearing them. rarity, i need you to cover up the soldiers who will be sneaking around in the bushes with twigs, mud, and leaves. twilight, you think you can form some kind of magical barrier to protect the engineers if their repairing tanks in-field?" "yes." she said with confidence. "pinkie pie, (sigh) since you like the c4 so much, you will be with the noob in the demo teams." pinkie then immediately picked up a spas-12 shotgun, cocked it, and with a rather determined Rambo-like face and tone, said "lets party!" as the rest of the marines boarded helicopters, revved up humvees and tanks, and checked weapons while reloading the machine guns on their tanks and jeeps, fluttershy walked up to the medic and thanked him for giving the noob a part. "i know he will someday get good at the game. i know he will some day. or week." fluttershy then giggled at his little joke. then a gigantic column of tanks, apc's, jeeps, and hummvees rolled out along the highway, towards the large platoon of american tanks. as all this was going on, two scout choppers had flown at a high altitude towards the Russian base. the choppers were transporting the demo teams. as they hovered above the mass of enemy soldiers preparing for the imminent US attack, the noob pulled out his c4. "you ready?" "ready for the party!" pinkie said, pulling out her c4 as well. they then proceeded to dump it all over the parking lot where the vehicles where, then the 2-man teams were dropped off some distance away. they all ran towards the bushes, and watched the base, and waited. the column of US tanks led the charge, followed by the jeeps. the tanks were covered with sandbags, and had about 6 guys sitting on top for extra firepower. as they ascended the hill on the final leg of the journey, they were met with a hundred machine gunners and about 3 tanks at the entrance. rainbow was doing aerial reconnaissance of the base, and as soon as both sides met each other, rainbow asked pinkie if she and the noob were ready. "okie dokie lokie!" she said. a grin formed on rainbows face before she said "do it!" instantly, the 3 tanks, plus the 4th extra one, the transport choppers, and the rest of the Russian vehicles were obliterated in a fiery inferno that cooked anyone within five meters. the entire US platoon, along with the chopper pilots, gunners, jeep drivers, machine gunners, footmen and yes, even the mane 6, all let out the most epic of war yells. the most epic conclusion to a conquest game had begun.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
epilogue: we are all bf friends
as the 6 ponies recovered from their experience, they all decided to take a stroll outside. out of nowhere, a gray pegasus accidently crashed on top of rarity, carrying 6 big boxes. "what is in the boxes derpy?" twilight asked. "you did not hear? we now have t.v and video games! woo-hoo!" she hollered. after asking several questions to passing ponies, it turned out that while they were only in the human world, err, sort of, for only 30 minutes, 30 years had gone by in equestria. they all opened up their boxes to discover what looked a bit like a large black metal box, and then they all noticed a t.v hooked up in the living rooms of all their homes. they then looked deeper into the boxes, and there, laying at the bottom, was a brand new copy of bf 3.
in the air, on the sea, on the battlefield 3.
it was basically easy pickings for the US marines. as they set about shooting up the defenseless Russian soldiers, twilight formed protective shields around the jeeps for defense from the soldiers who managed to open fire. applejack set about getting up on a rooftop and set about bucking several snipers. one tried fighting back with his knife, but was kicked off, and applejack set about leaping off the roof right on top of him to beat him to a pulp. when a american sniper was shot dead by a Russian medic, fluttershy IMMEDIATELY threw a fit. she pretty much pounded the soldiers into the ground, just for the death of one of her teammates who could have just responded anyway. speaking of which, POOF! "hey! i'm back!" fluttershy then stopped growling then proceeded to hug him tightly, once again being her sweet and adorable self. pinkie along with the noob kept tossing out c4. rarity painted several US marines to look like the walls of a building, so when a couple of enemies were close enough, the US marines, with their backs flattened against the wall, struck out. rainbow dash kept diving towards any enemies who tried to board a jet or helicopter. with all the chaos the USMC was dishing out, it was practically beyond overkill! but unfortunately, a lone level 100 colonel on the Russian team had managed to sneak by and steal a couple of the US tanks along with his buddies. the noob saw this, but was killed. after re spawning, he immediately with the help of the demo teams strapped all the c4 he could on this one jet. flying towards the mass of STOLEN American tanks, he ascended 500 feet into the air, then dove straight down with the nose pointed at the center tank. right before the other 10 friends could be killed, the noob screamed "PROMOTED!!!!!!!!" before crashing straight into the heart of the tank group. a massive explosion engulfed the forest. as the dust settled, the others were totally shocked. even the colonel. "he-he did it. he actually fucking did it!"
the noob then spawned right behind him. "hey, you guys saw that? wasn't that crazy?" "yes. it was." the medic said, once again annoyed. "they were like yes! and i was like no! then i come in, KERBLAM!!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!" the medic then grumbled. "well, it seems the enemy has only 20 tickets left. i guess this is goodbye!" Twilight then looked at him with saddened eyes. "were gonna miss you medic." they then hugged each other . as the ticket counter hit 5, the noob was excited. "here it comes! and.....yeah!" the counter hit 0, then immediately, a bright flash of white light.