Chapters Chapter 1: The Set Up.
The beautiful city of Canterlot was as quiet as usual in the morning, with all but a few ponies still asleep in their beds. But among those who have remained awake at this odd hour was one of the royal princesses. And she was hungry. Of course, spending the night trying to settle a territorial dispute amongst neighbors in Stalliongrad was one thing that’d keep a pony up, even a princess. However the morning hour was at hand, and Princess Luna finally had managed to find some way so that she might be able to get those stubborn ponies to agree to something. And now, she thought it was time she deserved a reward for her hard efforts.
The head chef at Canterlot, Brown Bobby, whose duties were primarily to create and serve the morning meals for the princesses was hard at work. Luckily it wasn’t so taxing a position, given that the princesses have a high regard for ever changing tastes and so he was allowed to explore the culinary possibilities. Although this lifestyle of a lack of repetition meant that every morning he had to come up with a new breakfast, and the well from which his imagination flowed was starting to dry. He scrambled through the kitchen, searching frantically for something, anything to give him inspiration.
He was interrupted from his attempt to gain an epiphany when he heard the distinctive clicking of horseshoes against the tiles of the castle, signalling that one of the princesses was arriving. This was bad, he thought he had at least a couple extra hours until he was ready, but now he would just have to find a way to stall. Brown went outside the kitchen and to the dining room, and felt oddly relieved to find Princess Luna was the one who was entered. She was a bit easier to deal with, because so much has changed a thousand years ago meaning he could try and utilize any recipe used in this large interim between her banishment and now.
Still, he had to stall for time to prepare, though Luna and her sister differed, they both seemingly enjoyed small surprises such as what’s for breakfast. He studied her meticulously to see if there might be something he could say to distract her. Royal horseshoes of a distinctive dark color? Check. Mane? It was a bit messy, but the way she was straightening it out with her magic so it’d be back to it’s usual flowing, almost ethereal self by the time she sat. And then he got it, something important was out of place.
He turned away in feigned shock and managed to work a blush onto his cheek. “Goodness Gracious princess, I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting this!”
Luna raised an eyebrow. Certainly her appearance was a few hours before usual but this wasn’t any way to react. “I was awake all night on official business. I apologize if I startled you. I know I usually come around the same time as my sister, but I thought I would get an early start on the day.”
“Oh, it’s not that.” Brown said, having difficulty hiding a sly smile. His plan was so ridiculous, but Luna has been away so long it may work. “It’s your manner of dress that has caught me off guard.”
Luna took a brief look at herself, though could find nothing wrong. Her hair was in place, blue as always. Mane was still intact. Her wings were neat and proper. And her horn, as best she could surmise, was presentable. “Sir, what dost thou mean? Is there something wrong with how I am dressed?”
“You’re naked!” He held up a hoof which obscured his face, although he mostly did this to hide the biggest grin he’s had since he went to a party thrown by some pink baker in Ponyville.
“Oh heavens!” And Luna was out of the room in a flash.
Once Brown finally could no longer here the rushed steps of Princess Luna, he got to work. This should be able to buy him a little more time, so how about something conventional yet still conservative? A well rounded breakfast of wheat toast, orange juice, and perhaps some tomato slices on the side. Perfect! And in no time it was finished and placed on the table in Princess Luna’s usual spot.
Luna returned, a little bit exhausted from backtracking to her room, however not much else seemed to be changed.
“Sir.” Luna said. She kept her head held high as she addressed him and assumed a stance that nearly towered over him.
Now came the backlash from his little fib. “Um. Yes princess?”
“As I returned to my chambers, it seems it only was then that it dawned on me that most citizens of Equestria do not normally wear clothing, including my sister and I.”
“Oh. It seems it may have slipped my mind. I apologize if I wasted your time.”
“Tis no matter. I did seem to forget my tiara, so I thank you for aiding me in this at the least.”
“Wonderful.” Brown clapped his hooves together in joviality and stood aside as Princess Luna took her seat. “I have prepared a rather quaint breakfast for you, princess. I am quite sure it will be plenty to help you through the day, and quite delectable if I may add.”
Luna looked upon the two plates and the glass of orange fluid in disappointment. This was not exactly the treat she was hoping for. “Sir. I do not believe I have had the pleasure of meeting your acquaintanceship in proper.”
“Oh.” The archaic tongue of the tall alicorn princess was a bit much, but thinking on it for a second he guessed she wanted to know something about him. “My name is Brown Bobby, I am the head chef for the morning meals of the royal princesses.”
“Thank you, Brown Bobby.” Luna looked over. She saw toasted bread, red vegetable sliced up, and that sun golden fluid in a glass. Twas hardly even a meal. “I would like to make a special request for breakfast.”
“Of course princess, anything.”
“I recently finished a rather large task, and I feel like I would like to have a small celebration. I believe that the best way to do this is to begin the day with a wonderful meal, as prepared by yourself.”
“Ah.” And now came the ax. He was finished, or so he thought. After all, how many chefs exist in Equestria? It was only about time until his moment in the sun, or at least in service to the princess of the sun and her sister, was over. But then came a thought, one last thought that could relieve him of having to invent some new concoction to serve the princesses and to keep his position! “I believe I know just what to do. While you leave the decision of the menu so often to me, and you may revoke such a privilege whenever you so desire, I believe that a change in pace is called for.” In a flourish he bowed to the princess. “And in celebration of your overcoming of this adversity, might I suggest you place an order of your choosing?”
Luna was taken aback. A door had been opened to a plethora of options for her. Even in her brief time back in Equestria she had been exposed to so much that has evolved throughout the world, and now she was able to catch up on some of it. She was so caught up in thought she could hardly decide, would she have these new fashioned dough-nuts? How about the mysterious flap-jack? There’s this new thing she has heard rumors of called the ‘waffle.’ Crepes ala mode? Home Fries? Pain au chocolate? Although these names all sound daunting. She didn’t even know if they were safe to consume, especially this alleged ‘waffle.’ But among all the names she heard over her time back in Equestria, there is one she thinks would be the most reliable to have.
“I would like a bowl of cereal please.” She finally ended up saying, much to Brown’s chagrin. And, as if with a second thought, she then added “With milk.”
Certainly this wasn’t much of a test to his culinary skills, but at least it keeps him from being in a rut, so he nodded and said “Good choice, I will return with your meal and you will not be disappointed.”
She thanked him as he left. Soon he was in the kitchen storage. He retrieved a pitcher of milk from the icebox and a bowl from one of the cupboards and set them both on the counter of the royal kitchen. Now came for the moment of truth, which cereal should he get? There was quite a bounty that he could recall to choose from, although he would have to restrict himself to what was readily available. He threw open the doors to the cupboard holding the dry foods and searched through it. He saw flour aplenty, grains of all manner from the many lands of Equestria, bags and bags of sweets and toppings, and even several jars of pickled and candied vegetables and fruits.
He gulped and felt his body go numb from a terrifying realization. The kitchen was not stocked with cereal. It seemed as though the universe was collaborating to take him down, which means that Jeff was behind the controls again. But he wasn’t going to go away so easily, he needed to think of a plan. He would have to improvise.
Author's Note
Fun Fact: While horses are primarily herbivores who focus primarily on grazing patterns as is the case with most of the ungulates, there are several species of Malasian Mustangs capable of cannibalism. Maybe. Probably.
Chapter 2: Apple Milk Makes a Splash!
Brown Bobby was in quite a predicament. There was nary a sign of cereal in the castle to be had, and so Princess Luna would be quite perturbed and disappointed if he didn’t find something. Anything. Thinking on the matter, he resolved that anything could pass for cereal, given that Luna likely had no clue about what cereal was given her extended absence. This meant that he now has free reign to serve her whatever it is and tell her that it’s cereal.
He quickly set a big bag of oats on the preparation counter. Now, if he served her simply oats with milk in the same bowl, he knew she would get suspicious. After all, oats were eaten in her day. So he had to find a way to disguise it. Milk has its own texture and flavor and likely would affect the oats, but it needed to be stronger. So he returned the pitcher back to the icebox and looked around. He saw all sorts of juices, a lot of stock for soups, and even molasses hidden in the far back. These would not do, it had to be cereal with milk.
And so Brown looked at the milk selection. They had pasteurized milk, fresh milk, chocolate milk, soy milk, cow milk, hamster milk, and even duck milk. None of these would do, they were either too bland, too flavorful, or just downright evil as was the case with duck milk. But finally he saw a large glass jar with an airtight seal and a label which read “Apple Milk.” This may do the trick. And so he got it out and placed it on the counter.
He filled the bowl with the oats and drowned them in the viscuous slime that was the Apple Milk. It was thick, heavy, and slightly tinged with vile color, and yet he could not discern whether it was expired. But even if it was, it’d at least mask the oats. It was not long until the oats were proportioned with the Apple Milk, and the dish was finally ready. Proud of this minor accomplishment, he took the full bowl and brought it before the princess who had been sitting patiently.
“Here you are princess. This is my own take on cereal.” Technically it was cereal, but it certainly wasn’t the kind he was thinking of.
“I thank thou.” Princess Luna nodded in appreciation and then levitated a soup spoon from the arrangement of cutlery aside her. And with one scoop of the mix, she then placed it in her mouth, tasting this odd assortment carefully. She set the spoon aside as she focused extensively on her meal. She could tell that these were obviously some form of common grain, though the milk was far from something she had ever expected. It tasted salty and was more slime than liquid, and even with it in her mouth she could almost inhale the putrid aroma it gave off. For some reason it was very distinctly familiar of something else she tasted upon her return to Equestria, but she couldn’t quite place a hoof on it.
She had done enough of this toiling over the food and finally swallowed and wiped the corners of her mouth with a napkin. “Brown Bobby was it?” She asked, leading into another question.
“Yes princess?”
“I can tell that what you gave me wasn’t the cereal I was speaking of. Though I appreciate your efforts. But might I ask what this fluid is that you served with it?”
Brown would’ve wiped sweat off his head had he not been in the presence of such a royal princess, and had he not wished to keep his cool demeanor in front of his employer. “Oh that? It’s Apple Milk princess.”
“It’s possible to milk an apple?”
“That I can not answer in truth.” Thinking on it, he did hear mention of the origins of this substance to some degree and decided to elaborate. “Although I recall Princess Twilight Sparkle saying something about having received this as a gift from some young girl at a local farm belonging to a friend she had.”
“I see.” Luna decided that she would have to investigate the origins of this ‘Apple Milk’ later. For now, she still wanted a good breakfast. “I do not wish to criticize, but I have eaten oats in my day though.”
“Fret not Princess! I’ll be back in a tick.” And with this he fled to brew yet another concoction.
Author's Note
If you are interested in the origins of Apple Milk, please read the story Apple Milk by Theobservantpilgrim. Although once you find out the origins you can never go back.
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Chapter 3: Can't Turn Around For Five Seconds
Brown Bobby was deep in thought in the kitchen. He knew now that the princess had an inkling of what cereal was supposed to look like, and so he thought of what might pass for cereal that he had access to. Cereal is sturdy, has a consistency of oats, and is very colorful. Some berries could probably pass for this, but Luna would know the difference between berries and cereal regardless so that idea was out. Maybe he could just bake some cereal himself, but he discarded this thought as it would’ve taken forever to make cereal from scratch.
He was on the verge of giving up and already thought about writing his letter of resignation so that he’d get the last word. Of course that’d mean he’d have to buy parchment, a quill, and ink. Then again, he doesn’t do much writing so buying a quill and ink would be expensive. As ridiculous as it should be, he may as well write it in crayon. And if he’s going to do it in crayon, he might as well glue some shapes on it as though it were a children’s art project. His ears perked up at this provocation of the mind. Glue and Crayons? It’s crazy enough to work.
Brown Bobby reclined his efforts to quit and set forth to one of the castle’s storage closets. Being that he had no excuse to explore the castle, he only really knew about how to get to the kitchen and so he had quite a time looking for the appropriate area, but eventually he found himself in a closet with assorted crafts for mending textile work. He retrieved a jar of paste and a wooden box labeled ‘wax pencils’ which probably meant what he was looking for. He then found his way back to the kitchen and set to work on his next new, rather unorthodox, dish.
He set the ingredients on the counter and prepared for his work, fetching the large chef’s knife and bringing the wooden box of wax pencils to the chopping board. He opened the box and was relieved to see that the box indeed contained crayons and that they were of sufficiently thick diameter to be cubed in a parmentier way. He chopped up about a dozen and a half crayons and placed them into the bowl. He then got the bottle of glue, basic home Pegasus Paste, and poured it into the bowl, glazing the top layer of ‘cereal’ and letting it fill up the rest of the dish until it was ready.
Brown then took his new culinary creation and left the kitchen to place it before the princess, who eyed it with curiosity. With the soup spoon, she scooped out some of the sludge and slipped it into her mouth. Once there, she chewed it with a face that contorted and wrinkled as she did so. Then with a final gulp, she had finally finished this despicable excuse for a meal.
As is typical with the matter of etiquette, she wiped the corners of her mouth clean and then the blue princess spoke. “This certainly brings back pleasant memories of when I was little.”
Brown began to sweat bullets. It seems he was still unable to deceive the princess.
“I thank you for this nostalgic meal. But, because I had this before, I already know it’s not cereal.”
“Of course princess.” He was on the verge of just coming out with the truth. But like that was ever going to happen. “I shall be back in moments.”
Luna nodded understandingly. “Take your time.” And then Brown left, without reclaiming his colorful cuisine. Luna was grateful for this, as she lifted yet another spoonful to her mouth. And another. And another. And a- Okay, I think she must’ve eaten a load of paint as a child or else she would’ve stopped by now.
Author's Note
This chapter is inspired by Two Best Friends Play also known as the Best Friends Zaibatsu and a 2Snacks video of them titled Two Best Sisters Play: Portal 2. Watch it, yo. And if you already saw it, watch it again, you can't laugh enough at this awesome stuff! Everything looks so pretty in that video!
Chapter 4: Granola Shouldn't Be Canon
Maybe making cereal isn’t such a bad idea. After all, what is cereal but just a hoof full of ingredients thrown into a bowl with sugar and served with milk? In a way it’s basically a soup, but styled as a desert. Brown Bobby comforted himself with this thought and finally conceded to resulting to just filling a bowl full of honey-glazed granola chunks and filling it with milk. Even he would appreciate this as a cereal, albeit a very chunky one but cereal nonetheless. It was so simple, so basic, and so inherent to the nature of cereal that he had no reason to doubt even Luna, of all ponies, would reject this.
Luna was then served the bowl of granola with milk in a flourished manner. After previous disasters, she closed her eyes and took in the scent of her new meal. As opposed to the unusual faces she would’ve made prior, her cheeks pulled back and the corners of her mouth lifted as she admired the sweet aroma of this new treat. Brown saw this and felt satisfied, finally, that maybe his arduous task was finished for the day.
Luna then sampled the granola, and appeared to be quite content. Once she had finally swallowed she bowed her head in gratitude to her chef. “I commend thee on thine fortitude to find me cereal at this time and I thank thee for thine efforts that I must say have paid off well.”
Brown blushed a bit at this. Thanks were enough, but to be complemented by a princess? Well shucks. “Thank you princess. I am pleased to know that you are satisfied.” And, to illustrate his point whilst showing an inkling of humility, he continued. “Although I must say it wasn’t much, it is mostly granola.”
Luna’s face went expressionless and her eyes looked at Brown with a hidden intensity of anguish and disgust. “I admire you for your bravery but I must admonish you for your insolence.” Stated the princess of the night in a voice as cold as ice.
Brown was very much taken aback by this. Was this a sign Luna was going to become to the malevolent Nightmare Moon again? “I apologize princess, I know not what transgression I have committed!” When in doubt, plead ignorance.
“I know that the laws of Equestria have changed much, but there are certain rules that should never be broken. Murder, thievery, and crimes against all of pony kind must be punished, but worst of all is that you had the audacity to smuggle in the most forbidden of substances: granola!” She stood tall and her alicorn form towered over him. He practically shrunk as he lowered himself closer to the floor as he cowered from the rising voice of the princess.
“I apologize princess, I never meant to offend you! I didn’t know you felt so strongly!” Brown cried out in his terror.
“How could thou not know? I thought history is a subject taught in schools across the nation! All citizens of Equestria must know by now the evils of which this vile material. And it is not I that takes offense to this. Granola is an affront to all of life!”
Brown was scared, confused, and had an upset tummy. But mostly confused. How is it that granola has earned such hatred and scorn from Luna? A normal pony would have contradicted Luna with showing how granola doesn’t do any harm, and that it in fact is a very common food. “I’m very sorry. My school must’ve been filled with incompetent educators for they never taught me of this truth. Please forgive me for my transgression!” Normal ponies aren’t usually in front of a raging moon princess.
Luna looked at the mortal in his cowardly state, and felt a sense of realization of how she must have appeared, storming over this poor soul like some sort of monster. It is this exact thing she tried to stop appearing as except for on Nightmare Night. She stepped back and took a deep breath. It would be best for a princess to handle the situation thoughtfully and considerately after all. “I must apologize, I may have over reacted. Thou art pardoned for thine crime.”
Brown bowed to his most generous and kind princess. “Thank you princess. Could you please tell me why granola is outlawed, though?”
She turned away with eyes closed, as painful memories of false friendship and joy flooded into her. “It was of a time far beyond what most ponies can remember, perhaps even I. A time where fear gripped the land in a talon of insidious evil. It was a time best left forgotten, for even stories of this period in pony history taint the mind and are the origin of the nightmare. It was a time of the Smooze, the Midnight Castle, and Catrina.”
Luna gulped as her body quivered, her mind desperately protecting her from the images that these forsaken names conjured. She continued. “Every pony who remembers it tries to forget, lest their sanity become fractured. However we lost the minds of many ponies for they could not leave the past behind, for in their dining rooms they were left with a cruel reminder of the primordial ponies. For one of the principal foods of the first ponies on the land was also a common food for every Equestrian citizen in the time before I was banished. To prevent further harm arising, we banned the manufacture, sale, distribution, and existence of this food.”
“Granola?”
“Indeed. Granola, Mister Bobby.”
The air was heavy with tension and silence ruled the room until a familiar voice broke out. “I’m a little bit surprised that you’d remember such a thing, sister.”
Brown Bobby turned and bowed to the newly arrived Princess Celestia. “Your highness! Welcome, I’ll have breakfast ready for you right away.”
Celestia smiled sat at the table. “Thank you for the offer, but I think I’ll just have a banana thank you.”
“Right away, your highness.” Brown left the room leaving the two sisters alone.
Luna returned to her seat next to her sister, a blush forming on her cheeks out of the embarrassment of being caught acting in such an outrageous manner. “I suppose thou heard the discussion I had with the chef?”
“Indeed I have, and I believe I must correct you on something.” Celestia’s unique grin began to grow. “You see, a few centuries after you left the stories regarding our past have degraded so much that nopony can remember the gory details. So we lifted the ban on granola.”
Luna cringed at the word as her sister said it. Couple this with the proof of just how absolutely wrong she was to scold the baker and she was feeling pretty down at the moment. Her head hung low and she stared at the table in shame. “I suppose I must apologize to the baker. But sister, please, do not mention granola again. Though it seems every pony has forgotten, I have not. Please refrain so that I may never be reminded of the squalor that our kind used to live in.”
Brown Bobby entered the room and served Celestia a banana. While a princess would have the delectable fruit served in quite a fashionable way, Brown knew by now that Celestia preferred it unpeeled and practically straight from the bunch. And that was how Celestia got it. Brown held out the banana for her and she held it aloft with her magic. “That shall not be a problem, sister.” Celestia said, unpeeling the banana, already creating yet another one of her schemes. “I shall not say that word.” She ate it.
Later that night Luna was finished with the day and prepared herself for sleep, which is very different from the usual given that she often is busy at night when she oversees the dreams of others. But then again, to hang onto a dream is a very difficult matter, and even when it is done the memories of a dream are vague at best. So she could possibly catch some sleep without much consequence. Equestria can live with a night without dreams.
Luna laid upon her bed, sinking into the soft mattress as though it were a billow of clouds, and allowed it to accept her into its ever frilly folds. She was so tired that as soon as her head would hit the pillow, she would probably go asleep right away. And so she tested this theory, her head laying on top of the pillow, in all of its crunchy, uncomfortable, crust-like interior.
Celestia was content and comfortable in her room as she looked over past reports provided by her faithful student, Twlight Sparkle. All was peaceful and quiet. But that all changed when Luna burst into the room with a crazed expression and a bag stuffed full of granola. Celestia was not surprised.
“Thou hath trifled with me for the last time! Prepare to die, sister!” And Luna started pelting Celestia with hoof-fulls of granola.
Granola was everywhere, and Celestia was very much dying. Although not from the granola but rather from her sides splitting and a very bad case of the giggles as she rolled around on her bed in a paltry defense against this barrage of sweetened oats. Eventually Luna ran out of granola and just stood in place, breathing very heavily as steam vented through her nostrils. Best. Prank. Ever.
Celestia went on in a hysterical laughing fit before she settled down and strode over to her sister. “Luna, I apologize. I didn’t choose to resist the temptation, but the opportunity was just too great to let go.” She said. Celestia wrapped a hoof around her sister and pulled her close which helped to calm Luna in some minute amount.
“That still was such a cruel trick.”
“I understand. As consolation, I shall clean up any granola left in your room and you may sleep in my bed for the night.”
Celestia pulled away and Luna looked at her face, trying to discern if there was a hint of deceit in it. If Celestia was lying, Luna sure couldn’t tell. “Very well. I shall accept your offer.”
Celestia nodded and left the room. Now alone, Luna hardly had the time to appreciate the peaceful environment before flopping down on the bed in a way that was mostly out of anger more than exhaustion. But, with all that said and done, and the whole matter settled, it’d be best to just lay her head down and get some sleep. And so at last, Luna finally laid her head on the pillow with a crunch that resounded throughout the castle.
She could hear Celestia howling with laughter down the hall already. It seems Luna forgot she was really good at poker.
Author's Note
I am of the firm belief that all stories, even bad ones, are in canon with what they are involved with. Bigfoot exists in real life, Generation 1 is the predecessor to Generation 4.
Back in the kitchen, Brown was left in a state of constant torment as the noon drew nearer and the morning would soon cease to be. He needed to think of something, fast. He stood in place rubbing his temples with his hooves in an attempt to rub some concentration into his mind, but not a thought would arise and alleviate his problem.
It didn’t help that a strong breeze came in, sending shivers along his spine and nearly freezing him to death. Good heavens, how is he supposed to make cereal in this cold? However, this may be just exactly what he needs. Cold cereal? How could he have been so naive? Of course! There are multiple kinds of cereal, and he was only focusing on one! Hot cereal was the answer.
He prepared a bowl of oatmeal easily, sprinkling it with raisins to help give it flavor and adding several dashes of sugar to enhance it overall. Oatmeal is quite an astounding dish, where it can be sublime or submissive to the taste depending on how it was prepared, and with a few final touches Brown is sure it shall be the former. Add together a cup of coffee and his own secret ingredient kept in the pocket of his coat and the meal was finally complete and fit for a princess.
Finally the meal was served in front of Princess Luna who was waiting ever so patiently and may finally reap the rewards. Brown stood aside, ready to garnish the dish had it not been up to the royal standards. Luna lifted a spoonful of the mushy substance to her mouth, however once it was in she became immediately distressed and was waving a hoof at her face rapidly.
“Princess, are you alright?”
Being of proper table etiquette, Luna refused to spit out her food but she could not resist trying desperately to cool her face off with two waving hooves.
“Ah, it’s a bit hot.” Brown acknowledged. “I apologize, here, drink this.” And he lifted up a cup of coffee which Luna levitated to her lips with urgency and sipped at immediately. She then lost control of her magic and spilled the cup across the table as her face grew a disturbing shade of red.
Brown was wigging out now, he screwed up big time. In a last ditch effort, he pulled out his secret ingredient and uncapped the bottle of it and held it up to Luna’s grasp. Desperate, Luna took it right away and drank from the bottle heavily. It was liquid so should’ve helped out, so Brown calmed down a bit. Then he noticed the label on the bottle and ducked down.
It was hot sauce.
Luna couldn’t hold it in anymore, she opened her mouth to spit out the food right out in such a filthy and unsophisticated manner. But the moment her lips were parted her maw opened itself wide and flames erupted from it. She looked up so that no great damage would have occurred, but the flames enveloped the chandelier hanging over the table. Luckily this discharge did not last long and after a couple of seconds it had all ceased. The light fixture above the table glowed red with heat, and the candles that were once extinguished were now lit, combining with the natural light of the day pouring in through the windows to illuminate the room greatly.
Luna had calmed down a bit and looked around to chastise Brown for this little incident, but didn’t see him nearby. He better have gone back to the kitchen to make up for this.
Author's Note
I'm not saying Luna looks great, but she is smokin' in this chapter.
Chapter 6: Barter The Solution! (Part 1)
Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Such were the sounds that emanated from the kitchen. The source? Brown Bobby was at his wits end. Whether it was a conspiracy developed by ponies or a plot envisioned by some higher power, its end goal of the loss of his livelihood seemed all but nigh. If he couldn’t get the princess her cereal he was sure to be fired, if not banished to some foreign land like Stalliongrad, the sun, or worst: Detrot.
With a final slam he laid his head on the counter in defeat. He wasted far too much of the princess’ time, so there was no escape. He might as well ask her what would she like for her final dish to be served by him. It would ruin the surprise, but it would at least leave a poignant reminder of himself that he would serve even in the collapse of his life. That’d be something to write home about.
Just then he lifted his head up and brought a hoof up to his chin. While that would be unceremonious of him, given that he is noted for his spontaneous and unpredictable meals that all take on some convention of breakfast, it’d be the least he could do. He may as well just head to the shopping district and get a bag of cereal, it’s not like he had anything much to lose if he did. And it’ll be a snowball’s chance in the fire plains if he would send an assistant to do this. They can’t even tell the difference between a chop and a slice, they’d probably come back with a ten pound bag of bologna. And so with a sigh, he stepped back into the dining room to finally accept his final act as the royal breakfast chef.
Taking a stand next to the side of the princess, as though he were some adviser or confidant, he spoke in a shaken though understandable demeanor. “Princess, it seems we have no cereal in the castle. I will head out and get you a bag of whichever you desire.”
Luna was unexpectedly elated. The ability to choose one’s own breakfast twice in one day? How exciting! “Very well. What would you recommend?”
He began to calm down. It seems that he may have overreacted a bit before. If there was a time to act casual, it was now. “Well princess, might I suggest Applejacks? They are quite lovely and full of flavor.”
Luna backed her head away in disgust at this concept. “I dare not! I would not wish to harm a citizen of Equestria, especially one who has such an important duty as the element of honesty.”
If he could cock his head, he would. But it would be impolite to do such in the presence of the princess, and so he continued with his suggestions, each one meeting an equal response of revulsion. “Lucky Charms?”
“I would never! Vagrants and travellers have a difficult enough life without being fed upon adding to that.”
“Golden Grahams?”
“What a ludicrous notion! I would never feast upon that kind woman, especially since I suspect she may have been around since even I was a filly.”
“Wheaties?”
“Ah, I recall that farmer. No, he may be ill tempered but he still deserves life same as any other pony.”
“How about the Cheerios, will you have the Cheerios?”
“Good heavens, no! They are a very respectable family here in Canterlot.”
It seems they were working on two different wavelengths or talking about two entirely separate subjects.
“Princess,” said Brown, who was growing increasingly concerned. “I wish to go and get you breakfast. I do not believe anypony will take offense to what you eat.” He should be dead now for expressing his opinion in front of the princess. Luckily, Luna was as tolerant as her sister.
“I am quite sure that the wonderful citizens of Equestria who have come to welcome me as their princess would appreciate me being a cannibal.”
“Ah, I see we have a misunderstanding.”
“Indeed. It seems as though thou still believe that I am the Nightmare Moon who eats ponies who do not provide her with candy.”
“No princess, I would never. You see, there are a number of different cereals offered any they all have these names.”
“Good heavens, and other ponies eat that?”
“Yes princess. In fact, many ponies eat cereal with these names in the morning, these names belong to some of the most popular cereals.”
“I never knew cannibalism was so widespread!”
Brown Bobby was about to respond when he realized the sheer astounding nature of that last comment. So he was stuck temporarily in a state where his jaw hung open and his mind still processed the idea that the princess was so very very wrong.
After a minute Luna began to look curiously at the stunned Brown. “Art thou alright?” She asked, a bit worried at how he all of a sudden stopped moving.
Luna’s words seemed to snap him out of his confusion for he shook his head clear and managed to get back to his senses. “Oh, yes princess. I shall be back in a moment with your cereal.” And with that he totally bailed out of the castle and headed towards the Canterlot marketplace to finally get some cereal.
Chapter 7: Barter The Solution! (Part 2)
Now in the marketplace, Brown was surprised to see how many ponies were shopping at this time of day. He should not have been surprised given that it was almost noon. Regardless, he had his mission of the most vital importance to the hierarchy: Get Luna her cereal. And so he trudged forth towards a shop of a most spectacular nature with a glass wall facing the street. And through this glass he could see rows of various bagged, boxed, and canned items, including cereal.
He opened the doors and stepped inside and took in the surroundings of this shop and began to envy having his ingredients brought in by his assistants rather than taking the opportunity to do so himself. But enough sidetracking, he knew what he had to do. And so he strode up to one of the shelves offering a vast variety of bags of cereals of all different shapes, sizes, flavors, countries, smells, and general utility. He couldn’t bother to be left to this indecision and so he reached out with a hoof blindly and picked up the first bag he could grasp, and pulled it into his sight. He yelled out in pain when he noticed that his hoof caught onto a mousetrap rather than a bag of cereal.
So after prying the trap off and picking up a bag of cereal, Brown arrived in line to finally conduct his purchase, although it seems several ponies in line were taking quite more than a fair share of their time trying to haggle a boxed truffle down to about five bits, the naves. But once he finishes this he will be free from the subjugation of pressure offered by a world where cereal is an arduous item to acquire, and he may get on with his life of servitude to the princesses. This, as it would turn out, had been a very foolish thought on the part of Brown.
The line moved along at a snails pace, if the snail had its kneecaps smashed in by its slime dealer. By the time he finally became the first in line he could swear that he felt several new hairs having grown out, but at least he didn’t have to wait any longer.
“I’d just like to purchase this please.” Brown stated, placing the sack of breakfast food upon the counter.
“That’ll be ten bits please.”
At ten bits it was tantamount to highway robbery, but it’d have to do. And so he reached into his chef’s attire . . . And pulled out nothing. His pockets were empty save for lint. It seems he had forgotten to bring money. Of course, being the individual of spontaneous moments of sobering wisdom that he was, Brown had a foal-proof plan. “Oh, I think I got the wrong kind. I’ll be back in a moment.”
The cashier was a bit perturbed, but it’s not like they would have done anything. And so Brown walked away with the bag in tow and thought about how he would get out of this prickly situation. There was only one door to the building so sneaking out the back wasn’t the answer, even though it sure got him enough free dinners at restaurants before. He could place the bag in another pony’s possession and whilst they were in the midst of being beaten by the authorities he would sneak out of sight with the bag. But the other customers were all fragile old women, and so the bag would probably crush their rusty bones, meaning he couldn’t sneak away with the bag without causing a scene.
It seems Brown’s options were all at a lost. He bumped his forehead against the glass wall in a futile effort to bludgeon himself. While he did stay conscious, it seems he at least managed to knock some sense into himself. As was the case, his physical pain and discomfort always led to an idea so novel in its nature that it would probably work. And so he took several steps back...
A lone mother was strolling along on this fine day, pushing her infant child in a carriage. The both of them could appreciate the sun’s rays shining onto them, nourishing them with the light they so deserve as living beings on this wonderful world of theirs. However this was only a second benefit to the mother’s original purpose: A trip to the local market to do some grocery shopping. They would succeed in this for they were only a few steps away from the door set in the large glass wall of the building.
Just then, they were accosted by a stallion who was cloaked in a dull dirt-stained white linen sheet who intercepted their path. “Alright lady, give me your money and we can go along with our days.”
The mare gently moved her baby to the side and assumed a stance of passivity. She let him know that she was not going to give him cause to harm her by demonstrating her empty hooves. Slowly she reached into the stroller and retrieved a small coin purse. She held it out to the thief who snatched it right from her hoof and passed by her as he sped away.
But before he could get too far, there was a deafening smashing sound followed by a series of smaller crashes that stung the ears. The thief lain prone upon the ground, incapacitated and standing over him was some crazed pony in chef’s attire holding a bag of cereal who fled from the scene of the crime.
“Today’s not my day.” Said the thief. He sat up on his haunches. “Very well, I will give myself up. I’m sorry if I scared you miss.” He said, before noticing that the mare was knocked out. He could still see she was alive, but his eyes shifted to the stroller. Fearing for the welfare of the child, he immediately got to his hooves and went to the carriage to look inside. Inside, the baby was totally fine.
“How is this even possible?” Asked the thief to nopony in particular. And indeed, it was puzzling. Both he and the mother were covered in numerous slashes and were knocked aside and yet the pony infant was completely and totally okay. “Why are you still here? How are you completely unharmed? You should not exist!”
And all nearby spectators to this incident just stared as the thief kept on talking trash to a foal. But eventually they got along with their day, ignorant of what really happened, and blaming everything on young and unprepared parents.
Author's Note
"You should not exist." Is a super dark insult when you think about it.
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Chapter 8: Luna Gets Served! . . . Breakfast
Brown arrived at the castle again, his breath was labored, his limbs ached, and his entire form was regretting never having excelled in physical activities. Or even minored in physical activities. Or even really participated in physical activities. But he managed to drag his half-dead body all the way to the kitchen and finally prepare a bowl of cereal. Before this, however, he managed to bump his shins against a coffee table that was just laying in the middle of the corridor and when he finally arrived at the kitchen he slipped on a banana peel and fell flat on his back.
By the time he finally arrived in the kitchen he was beaten, bruised, berated, and just all around bored with how the world was treating him. But still he strived, he retrieved a clean bowl from one of the pantries, filled it with cereal, poured in the milk, and got a clean set of utensils. After a long day of hard work, he would finally see a conclusion.
He finally approached the princess and set before her the fated cereal with milk and replaced any missing utensils. Nodding in appreciation to her reward, the anticipation at and end, Luna was finally going to taste cereal for the first time. She levitated a spoon carefully and scooped out a mix of the floating flakes drenched in milk and pulled it to her lips. She slipped it into her mouth and then slid it back out, leaving it clean. She chewed for a few seconds as the room went silent in solemn observance of this phenomena.
After several moments of tasting, Luna set the spoon back in the bowl and said only one thing. “I thank thou for thine efforts, even though I am disappointed at how” she paused for a moment as though to collect her thoughts before finally continuing with “how bland this is.”
Either Brown’s princess is in another castle or these are truly the feelings of Princess Luna. If he were a stronger and more courageous colt, these would have been her last words.
“I see, princess. How foolish of me. I shall fetch you something else, post haste!”
Luna dismissed this notion with a wave of her hoof. “No need. I asked for cereal and I received cereal. Well done, good mister Brown Bobby. Aside from this, it is the noon and I really should be getting some sleep.”
Brown nodded and returned to the kitchen. He had one job and he did it. Yet another day Brown Bobby is not fired. With his shift done for the day, he collected his belongings and prepared to go back to his home. But before he did this, he knew that it would be best for him to wish luck to the lunch chef. So he looked around the kitchen only to see the poor mare who seemed a mite perturbed.
“Pardon me miss, are you alright?”
As though her home had been violated, the mare brandished a knife at the stallion in what could now be designated her kitchen. Even if it wasn’t hers, who would argue? She has a knife!
“Who are you?!”
Brown stumbled backwards to keep his distance. He was going to stammer out an excuse, maybe a pseudonym in case this crazed mare tried to hunt him down, but he was a bit on the scared side. “Brown Bobby, Castle Breakfast Chef Master!”
The mare replaced the knife onto one of the counters, though still seemed to be oddly tense. She muttered out an apology and her name, though Brown couldn’t be bothered to listen to this until after she put the knife down. But by the time she did she was mid-sentence in something or other. “-And so that brings me to why I must seem a bit frizzled. You see, I’ve only one job and I’d like to see it through to the end, and I need it to support my family, and I’d love to make the princess happy but I’m not prepared for what I’m to do.”
“And you are to?”
“Princess Luna asked me to make a bean burrito. It seems I have none of the ingredients to prepare due to the oversight and undersight of my assistants.”
Every pony in Equestria has it in them to offer help to those in need, to rescue their fellow pony from danger and discomfort, especially if it is at no personal cost. Brown was out the door in five seconds flat.
The End.
Author's Note
Coffee tables exist to obliterate the shin bones of ponies.
