Queen Chryssi's Totally Proffesional and Inspirational Advice Column

by Weeping Angel

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

After years of working alongside them, Queen Chrysalis has decided something…
Changelings are boring.
And with boredom comes a great idea. And under the name of Chryssi, she opens an advice column. Things don't go as planned.

Want to send in a letter? PM Weeping Angel, and your letter might appear in Chryssi's next advice column!
Warning: Chapters are really short. I know that. And it isn't anything amazing, just because I have bad writer's block and feel like writing something short and not too flashy.
For the love of Chryssi, don't take this seriously. It's just for comedy, nothing amazing.

Chapters

1-Dustin Lange
2-Polaris
3-pokefreak13
Prologue-Changelings Are Boring

1-Dustin Lange
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Queen Chryssi's Totally Proffesional and Inspirational Advice Column

1-Dustin Lange

Chryssi,

What do you do when ponies ignore you or don't bend to your will?

If you need a friend to talk to, I am here for you!

There is no need to steal love from me, I will give it to you willingly.

~Dustin Lange

Dear Dustin Lange,

Friends? What is this 'friends' you speak of?

Well, I suppose I must accept. After all, I do enjoy some good love-making once in a while!

Wait, does that sound dirty? Ah, never mind.

With anticipation for passionate love-making,

Chryssi

2-Polaris
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Queen Chryssi's Totally Proffesional and Inspirational Advice Column

2-Polaris

Hi,

I'm trying to get my classmates to respect me and bow down to my rule. As a queen, I figured you'd have a good knowledge of controlling your subjects.

Any tips?

~Polaris

Dear Polaris,

Ah, I remember when I first asked my own parents about how to control my subjects. They specifically told me to 'assert my dominance and destroy those who won't listen', but I suggest just follow these steps:

Take over by killing the head of the classmates. In your case, I believe that would either be your teachers or your principal.
Demand that they bow to your rule and threaten to kill them as well if they don't show reverence to you. This is what I did with my changeling subjects, and I only ended up killing around fourteen.
Give them new laws that they must abide by. Make them as tyrannical as possible and make sure that your classmates are scared to death by the harsh punishments if one should break a rule.
Get one or two ponies that you trust to be by your side and help you. Give them a small share of your power, but remind them that they are not above the law and will be exterminated if they break any of them.
Last, but not least, enjoy your newfound power and pray to Faust that no one will decide to do the same with you!

Wishing you the best of luck in your new tyranny,

Chryssi

3-pokefreak13
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Queen Chryssi's Totally Proffesional and Inspirational Advice Column

3-pokefreak13

Dear Chryssi,

Okay so if today was your last day, what would you do?

~pokefreak13

Dear pokefreak13,

What a question. Not sure if I could give advice for that, but oh well. I do enjoy personal questions.

But don't you dare ask me about that body bag in my trunk, because that's too personal.

If today was my last day, I think I would have a pretty bang-up day.

First of all, I'd go to that ice cream place in Canterlot, delicious gelato, lemme tell ya. Ten out of ten would eat there again.

Then I think I'd go pay a visit to Celestia and pull a couple of pranks on her. Silly ones, of course, nothing serious. I would go up and put dynamite in her chair, light it, and watch the Canterlot Castle burn... And then blame it on Luna. See? Silly fun.

I'd go to some convention or whatever and win a cosplay contest. I always win cosplay contests.

Lastly, I think I'd commit genocide and kill my subjects. Because if I have to die, they have to die!

With genocidal thoughts,

Chryssi

Prologue-Changelings Are Boring
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Queen Chryssi's Totally Proffesional and Inspirational Advice Column

Prologue-Changelings Are Boring

Queen Chrysalis is bored.

Like, majorly bored.

It happened a while ago, right after their Canterlot attack went awry. Chrysalis was angry, to say the least, about the silliness that it took to destroy her. Two measly ponies defeated a queen with the power of love? That would not look good on her resume.

Surprisingly enough, the idiot changeling drones didn't take the opportunity to defeat Chrysalis and bring on a new ruler, and Chrysalis was back to ruling the same old dumbbells... Each. And every. Day.

At first it was okay, just like normal. But before the failed attack, Chrysalis had something to do, like make plans and doodle. But now after Plan A failed, and Plan B had a small chance of even being done, she had nothing. All she did, each and every day, was sit on her throne and listen to the changeling drones complain about everything.

And eventually, Chrysalis just... snapped. She was bored. Bored of her life, and bored of her entire existence.

So one day, after a particularly boring session with the drones, she sat down on her bed, took out a quill and some parchment, and started to write a letter to Princess-Motherbucking-Celestia, something she swore never to do.

Dear Princess-Motherbucking-Celestia, it read.

I am writing to you because I hate my life. Not because of you, I might add. Remember? I defeated you.

Today I finally admitted something to myself, something that shocks even me. And that is that changelings are boring.

Really boring. I have nothing to do but sit around and listen to these idiots' problems. Like what? I didn't sign up for this chit!

Anyway, I guess I'd just like to ask for your advice. What should I do that could make me less bored out of my mind? Is there anything I could do to help with this problem?

With cautious curiosity,

Queen Chrysalis

Content with her letter, but sad for her life, Chrysalis sent it, only to be acknowledged only a day after.

Dear Queen-Motherbucking-Chrysalis,

It surprises me that you would write to me about anything, really. But I must say I know how you feel like. I have to sit around 24/7 too and listen to my subjects' problems. Nowadays I just dump it on Luna. It's really working out.

But I do have a suggestion for you. You wrote to me asking for advice, why not let others write to you? You could open an advice column and help ponies with your own wisdom.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

After careful consideration, Chrysalis shrugged and said, "Oh, what the buck."

And that was when Queen Chryssi's Totally Professional and Inspirational Advice Column opened for business.