Chapters View Online
Princess Luna uses Adult Friend Finder; Or, Fifty Shades of What The Fuck
In Which Luna Discovers She's Actually a Switch
Luna leaned forward, a smile playing around her lips as the laptop bathed her face in its blue glow. The message sat, quiet and unassuming, in her inbox, with no photo attached. As it was more interesting by dint of not having a photo of a penis in it, she read it over.
You are a lovely mare.
You seem interesting. So much of your profile and interests match up with mine: wine tasting, moon gazing, night flying... I would like to take you to dinner, and we can get a feel for each other, and then... well...
I hope I am not too forward, but I would like, at some point, to bring you to me and, perhaps, show you the shackles of restraint that hang unused from my bedposts, waiting for such a mare as yourself to fill them.
I hope against hope, Miss Loonacy: are you a submissive?
She sat back and chewed her lip, thinking. The last time she had relations with a stallion, she had indeed been submissive, happy to cast aside the mantle of a ruler for one evening at a time. While enjoyable, Luna thought that it would likely require more trust than she was willing to put into a random pony. Still, either he did not realize who she was, or (better yet) knew the value of discretion. She decided to toe the line, leaning forward again to tap at the keys.
Thank you for your message. I would be willing to meet you for dinner, certainly.
While your offer sounds interesting, it would need to be an exceptional stallion or mare indeed to bring me to my knees in willing submission. You ask to shackle a pony who cannot be held by any restraint but by her own will, so it would be an exceptional task indeed.
Scarcely two minutes after she sent it, a reply arrived. Luna smirked. Not even trying to delay, are we?
I hope you do not find me to be a braggart, but I do indeed think I am a stallion that could do it.
Meet me at Le Bec Hoof. Tomorrow night. If you could arrive around six pm, that would be ideal.
Luna sat back again, tapping her chin. She swiveled in her chair, tapping the red button that would summon a maid; in this case, Merry Weather. Moments later, the unicorn trotted in briskly, stopping once to bow. Luna waved a hoof at her, smiling. "Rise, Merry Weather. I have a question for you."
"Yes, Your Highness?" The unicorn straightened out, trotting easily towards the Princess.
"I do believe I have a date for tomorrow night. Can you inform me on the current customs for a date?" Luna tapped the laptop screen gently, indicating the message. "This stallion appears to have decided on a time and place, already."
Merry Weather read the message string, and to her credit, did no more than raise an eyebrow at the racier parts. "Well, Your Highness, normally both parties dress nicely. A dress is fine, as is a pantsuit, or a nice vest if you don't want to overdress. But it's Le Bec Hoof, so I'd go with a dress, personally." Luna nodded, rolling her hoof to encourage her on. "Well, um, I suppose if it's... not a date, exactly, but figuring out if you'd like to... er, have relations... I would also bring a phone. In case things go badly."
"I am one of the most powerful ponies in existence, Merry Weather. I think I'll be alright." Luna gave the unicorn a flat stare, which turned to confusion at Merry Weather's adamant head-shaking.
"That's the thing, Your Highness. You'll need to disguise yourself, at least for dinner. This isn't like dating across dimensions like Celestia has been doing. This is dating your actual subjects. He won't know for sure who you are, so he may try to... take more liberties." As Luna's look turned plaintive, Merry softened. "You can just lose either the wings or the horn, and lighten your coat a bit. Fix your mane to look more normal, and a dress will cover your cutie mark. It's going to be just fine. You can shed the disguise if you wind up back at his house. Is that fair?"
The princess sank back in her chair, sulking slightly. "I suppose. If I wear a dress, perhaps one designed for a unicorn or earth pony. That will cover my wings without the need for further concealment. Mark my words, though, Merry Weather, I do not enjoy the idea of presenting myself as somepony I am not. What he is proposing requires the utmost honesty and trust." Her teal eyes darted to the maid, lids lowered slightly with her annoyance.
For her part, Merry Weather merely sighed, bobbing her head. "As you wish, Your Highness. But, please... at least the mane? It's going to be very obvious who you are, dress or not."
Growling in her throat, the princess lit her horn, unmoving from her seat. Her flowing, starry mane became less ethereal and floated down against her neck, changing hue from dark blue to a burnt umber. "Is that acceptable?"
Merry simply nodded again. "You look like a Canterlot supermodel, Your Highness."
"Good." Luna lit her horn again, allowing her mane and tail to return to their normal, billowing state. She stood, rolling her chair back and stretching out her back and legs before turning her gaze once more on Merry. "I suppose you have a dress to find me, then."
Trotting down the cobbled streets of Canterlot, hooves shod in much more... common shoes than she was used to, Luna tried to school her expression to something neutral. She lowered her head slightly, glancing back at her long, white dress and the prominently absent lumps where her wings should be. A stray curl of orange mane bobbed into her view, and she blew it to the side with a huff of irritation.
"And trot less... regally."
"What does that even mean?"
A yellow hoof pawed the stone of the castle floor. "Just, all the princesses trot the same way. Head up, high hoofed strides, you know..."
Luna snorted. "I do not. Demonstrate."
Sighing, Merry trotted casually from one hero's bust in the hall to the other. "See? Smaller strides, looser gait. Casual, you know."
A soft golden light spilled into the street from a door briefly opened ahead, and murmurs of conversation wafted out as an elegantly dressed unicorn stallion exited. Above him, a fabric awning with the scrolling letters spelling out Le Bec Hoof covered his exit, made with an equally elegantly dressed mare. Luna watched them trot up the street, hip to hip with one another, and smiled slightly. At least two pleasant dreams in my wanderings tonight, I'd warrant.
Levitating the cell phone from the hidden pocket she had sewn into the dress (honestly, why did mare's clothing have to be so... non-functional?), she pulled up a group text to Merry and her sister. Have arrived. Locals staring a bit, but I do not think they know who I am. Going in.
A soft chime. Merry: Be safe, have fun!
Luna started to levitate it back, when another chime sounded. She glanced at the screen. Insufferable Prat: gl hf txt me l8r want deets luv u
Placing the phone on silent and back into the hidden pocket, Luna snorted. You'd think the ruler of Equestria and steward of the sun would text like something more than a teenager, but nooooooooooo... Head high, the princess approached the doors, held open for her by a doorman who tipped his hat to her on the way.
Luna approached the host's station, smiling in what she hoped was a non-threatening way. "Hello, party of two? I believe there is a reserva-"
"Name?" The brusque unicorn attempted to look down at her, but failing that (as she towered by at least two heads over him), he settled for a contemptuous stare.
"It has to be something pretty, but not too celestial."
"I am celestial, Merry."
"OH! I know, how about—"
"...Dusky Belle."
The host arched a brow before scanning the list. "I'm afraid I don't see a... Dusky Belle on here. Perhaps you're in the wrong place. I hear there's a... nice... bar on the outskirts of Southwest Canterlot, perhaps you meant to go there instead."
"I am aware of where I am meant to be, and I do not appreciate your tone." Luna made a mental note of the stallion's appearance. Whilst seething, she suddenly felt a hoof upon her withers.
"Ah! And here is the rest of my party." The dark, dark grey stallion draped his foreleg (awkwardly, given the height difference) around Luna's midsection, holding her uncomfortably close. He tipped his tan trilby hat with his other hoof at the host. "No worries, good sir, this little filly is here with me."
"Of course, sir. Name?"
"Thundering Night." The stallion swiveled his dark red eyes, the same shade as the hair falling in careless strings around his face from beneath his hat, to meet Luna's teal ones.
As the host led them to their table, Luna arched a brow. "Three questions, once we are seated, Mr. Night."
"Of course, m'lady." The stallion tipped his hat to her as they took their seats, a strange feat as it sat behind his prominent horn.
Settling into her chair, Luna met his eyes again. "One: Why would you refer to me as 'little filly'? Two: Your profile has you listed as a pegasus, yet you have a horn. Three: Seriously? Your name is 'Thundering Night'?"
The other pony slammed his hooves on the table, their water glasses shaking slightly. "One: I will refer to you however I like. You are my submissive, and I am your Dom. Two: The horn is merely my way of having a physical, visual outwards manifestation of my station above you. With the horn, you may think of me as an Alicorn, not the lowly Unicorn you are. Three: Yes, seriously, but you, little filly," he paused, smirking, "you will call me Sir or Sir Night."
Another pony would, perhaps, at this point, end the date and walk out after contacting trusted friends to extract her. Indeed, that would be Luna's suggestion to all ponies with no godlike powers of their own. Luna, however, being Luna, decided to see how this played out.
Keeping her expression carefully schooled, she merely nodded. "I suppose I could do that, if it makes you more comfortable with me. I do realize I can be quite intimidating." She smirked, levitating her menu in front of her and sending a quick message to her sister at the same time via her magic. Celestia, he is a damn fool. Gussied up like an Alicorn. In addition, he is indoors at a nice restaurant but has not yet removed that ridiculous trilby he's wearing.
With a huff, Thundering Night raised his own menu in his hooves. "You do not intimidate me, child."
Luna, admirably, kept her laughter contained and her amused grin concealed by the menu. "They have such lovely fare here. I think I might get—"
"What you will get will be the Spring Farmer's Salad. No sense in ordering something that will add to your waistline, you can scarce afford it, you know."
Luna's amusement disappeared. "Beg pardon, are you trying to call me fat?"
Thundering Night eyed her lazily over the top of his menu. "Well, not exactly fat , but you're by no means a tiny filly. You should really watch what you eat, stallions don't like fat mares."
"And mares do not care for stallions that don't have the manners to remove their hats indoors." Luna continued to peruse the menu, deliberately not looking at the now-fuming stallion.
"I'll have you know that this hat was my father's! It was my destiny, see?" He turned slightly, revealing a cutie mark of, yep, a trilby. "My father was a strong stallion, just like I am, and when he gifted me this hat, my cutie mark appeared!"
"So you're a hatter, then?" She feigned what little interest she could in this strangely intense stallion.
"No. Of course not, that would be silly. The fedora on my flank and on my head serve to show it is my destiny to be a strong provider, a gentlecolt, and every mare's wish." He sat back, self-satisfied smirk on his muzzle.
"Trilby."
"What?"
"On your head. And your flank. That's a trilby. Not a fedora. Minor point of interest." Finding little to interest her in the menu at this point, she folded it neatly in front of her on the tablecloth.
The stallion shook his head. "No, no. It's a fedora."
Rubbing her temples, Luna shook her head right back. "No, the front is too pointed and the brim is far too narrow. A fedora is much wider with a softer angle in the front. Look, either way it's a hat, it doesn't matter."
He huffed, crossing his forelegs in front of him. "On the subject of things on our head, why is your mane orange and curly? Your profile picture showed you with a light blue mane. You almost looked like Princess Luna in it."
Caught out on something she'd hoped he wouldn't notice, she smiled. "Ah, yes, that. Well, my mane and tail are orange normally, I just dyed it in celebration after she returned! I dyed it back quickly as I understood it would be impertinent to look like her, but I thought it looked nice. As for the curls, well..."
"Ouch! Merry, really, this isn't necessary!"
The yellow unicorn giggled and pranced in place, curling iron held aloft in her magic. "Of course it is! It's all part of the modern date experience! Your friends help you get ready! Now hold still!"
"I can do this myself with magic, you know! MERRY!"
"...I rather thought they looked nice."
He grunted. "You should have updated your profile picture, then."
Luna sighed. I'm in for a long night.
After consuming a meal ordered for her by Thundering Night and making sure to order a nice, stiff whiskey, the waiter dropped off the check and politely stepped away to allow time for the two to pay. Thundering Night lifted the check in his hooves, chuckled, and slid the book across to Luna. "I hope you brought your bits, filly."
"I was under the impression that the asker pays? I did not ask you on this date, you asked me." She arched a brow.
"Do as you're told. I'm in charge of you, and that includes your finances. Hurry up and pay, I have far more interesting ideas on how to spend my time with you tonight." He settled back, looking around the restaurant with a look of utmost boredom on his face. Taking advantage of his distraction, Luna slipped both her official royal seal and the Royal Black Card into the check book, levitating it to the server as he returned. The unicorn server began to trot off before opening the book. Luna watched from the corner of her eye as the server froze, staring back with his muzzle agape. Luna tipped him a small wink and a smile, and he nodded and trotted away, a bit more wobbly than before.
"Are you flirting? With a server? On our date?"
Luna snapped her eyes back to her "date". "Oh, a wink and a smile do not make for a flirt. He was a very nice server, very attentive. I think I shall tip him quite well."
As the server returned with the slip, Luna discretely teleported her royal seal and Card back into her dress before leaving a generous tip and signing the slip with a flourish, snapping the book shut before Thundering Night could look too closely. "So, you had something better in mind? I'd like to see what that might be." She leaned across the table, smiling with what she hoped looked like actual interest.
"Oh, indeed, m'lady. Now come, a veritable treasure trove of pleasure awaits you."
The two trotted out into the calm Canterlot night, Luna's dress playing at her white-shod hooves in the warm breeze up the thoroughfare. She turned to her unlikely companion, looking down at him and his ridiculous false horn. "So, where shall we go now, hmm?"
"To my house, of course. Your palace of pleasure, for so long as I deem you deserve it, of course." He started up the street, Luna easily keeping pace with her longer legs. He upped his pace in return, glancing back at her. "You will follow. You are not my equal or my better, so you follow behind, where you belong."
Luna arched a brow again and hid a smile. He's got no idea what he's in for.
Luna, regardless of all accounts to the contrary, was a patient pony. Being trapped in the moon for a thousand years with nothing but yourself for company develops that virtue. Luna also, again against accounts to the contrary, cared deeply for all her little ponies and wished to keep them from harm. This combination of factors led her to not only suffer through the date, but to ensure this stallion would not try this act again with another mare.
So she followed Thundering Night, dutifully, up the cobbled streets, until a sharp call interrupted their journey.
"Hey! Cloud Fluff! What are you doing out here, bruh?" An Earth pony stallion waved wildly from across the street at Thundering Night, smiling. "That your date? Smokin' hot, bruh. Good pull!"
"Shhh oh Celestia shut your trap," hissed, apparently, Cloud Fluff. "Just... just shhhhh!" Pulling his trilby over his burning cheeks, Luna's date upped the pace of his trot further to outpace his friend.
"Cloud Fluff?" An amused smile played at Luna's muzzle.
"Just a nickname! Yeah, you know, us stallions, always messing around ." He hissed that last part, looking back over his shoulder at his friend, now far in the distance.
The two followed the winding streets of Canterlot, heading for the northeastern section of the city. "You seem to live quite far. I could have gotten us a hansom cab, you know."
"The walking will do you good. Burns calories." The stallion smirked back at her over his shoulder. "Have to stay mindful and not be lazy."
After considering smiting him, she discarded the idea and continued with her original plan, following dutifully even though her annoyance levels ratcheted up by several notches every time he opened his muzzle. "Mm, I'll keep that in mind, I'm sure."
The two stopped, finally, before a towering apartment complex. "Here we are!" Luna's date smiled rakishly back at her, gesturing his head towards the main doors. "Are you ready for the night of your life, my little filly?"
"Oh, but it has been so already."
Something in her tone must have betrayed a bit of her boredom, because the stallion frowned slightly. "Well, it's about to get a lot more interesting."
She took in the tan carpeting, the drab olive curtains, and the sagging couch. "Through here, through here." He ushered her down a darkened hallway to a closed door, smiling up at her. "And now, my dear, the fun begins." With a flourish, he swung open the door.
Luna was entranced and horrified by turns. The walls of the stallion's room were papered with... artistic endeavors depicting her. In very interesting and compromising positions. Her guarded eyes roamed further, taking in the twin-sized bed with oh for fuck's sake fuzzy hoofcuffs dangling from the bedposts, taking in the artfully sculpted figurines of herself as both Luna and Nightmare Moon with impossible anatomical proportions, taking in the apparently rush job in cleaning where he had vacuumed everything except around his computer desk, leaving a ring of crumbs and debris in an interesting satellite around it that looked, all things in the room considered, disturbingly like a half-moon. She scarce had time to take all this in before she felt two solid hooves land on her flanks and tear her dress from her form.
She whirled, a swift glamour cast on her cutie mark to make it a simple half moon and stars, and glared at the wannabe Alicorn. Wannabe Dom. Wannabe "gentlecolt".
"Well? You won't miss much, that dress wasn't anything to write home about," the stallion said, about something made by the Royal Tailors. He removed his own vest, freeing his wings, which he extended fully. The trilby stayed firmly on as he raised his head, smirking. "Gaze upon me. I am like unto a God for you. Now, bow to me, little filly, and tell me how much you like what you see when you do."
Irritated, Luna bowed, looking between the stallions proud legs as he stood... and immediately stifled a giggle. She stood, for all the world a tall unicorn mare, and smiled toothily. "Oh, it's certainly... interesting."
"Then get your ass on that bed, filly. I hope you're mare enough to take it all. If you're not, I'll just break you until you are." He grinned, shoving the Princess back onto the bed. She eyed him coolly as he attached the fuzzy manacles around her hooves, leaving her spread-eagle. He glanced up at one of the pictures depicting Luna as such on his walls, and grinned. "It's a shame you didn't leave your hair blue. I'd be living a fantasy right now... but I guess you'll have to do."
She rolled her eyes, undoing the manacles with a swift touch of magic, noting as she did so that he had the ridiculous things enchanted so that regular unicorn magic wouldn't be able to touch them. Whoops. Pulling herself free, she bounded from the bed, towering over the stallion with fire in her eyes.
"But, wait. Those were enchanted, you can't get out that easy. There's no magic that can undo those." He quailed under her gaze, stepping back slightly towards the center of the room, hooves making soft tpp sounds on the carpeting.
"Oh, my magic can. Clearly they're not as enchanted as you thought. A child could undo those." She stepped around him, prowling, head held high but teal eyes boring into him.
"You know, Cloud Fluff, when you messaged me online, it was unusually respectful, which is why I answered your message. Which is why I agreed to the date. I had been under the impression that this would be a proper date, and I had hoped you would be a proper Dom. Neither were the case." He opened his muzzle to speak, wings wilting to the floor, until a glare from her silenced him.
"You do not understand, Cloud Fluff, that in the Dom and sub power exchange, the sub makes the rules. The sub tells what they are comfortable with, and sets the boundaries. A proper Dom does not immediately assume dominion over a pony simply because they agreed to a date. A proper pony pays for the date when that pony is the asker. A proper pony does not try to belittle their date, and a proper pony does not try to use slimy tactics to try to make the other pony vie for their respect. A proper pony does not need to do those things. "
"Well, I, I mean, I just..." he stammered, watching the towering unicorn with sudden fire in her eyes pace around him.
"On this date, you did not bring your A game, or even your B game, or your C game, and you sure as hell did not bring your D game. I am thoroughly unimpressed for an assortment of reasons, Cloud Fluff. Remember how I told you I dyed my mane back to orange because I felt it was impertinent to look like a Princess?" She continued her soft prowl around him, speaking softly.
"Y-yes. I do."
"Mm, good. Did you know that part of the reason it's impertinent, aside from respect, is that impersonating a government official, which all Alicorns are, is still punishable by death in Equestria?" At his widened eyes, she chuckled. "Obviously, it's an extremely old law. Millenia old. And these days, it's acceptable to dress up for plays, and parades, and all that. And even those that DO try to pretend to be Alicorns are left off with a sharp warning and nothing more. But... that law IS still in place. The Sisters never changed it." She grinned, pressing her muzzle to his sweating face. "And oh, my dear, you never did ask what it is I do for a living."
"W-what?" He shivered, maroon eyes locked on her teal ones.
"I work at the palace. And I'm very, very familiar with the old laws. You could say I'm a historian. I know the history of Equestria from start to finish like the back of my hoof."
"Oh." His squeak was tiny in the room, his blush readily apparent even on his dark coat.
An idea occurred to Luna, and she smiled more kindly. "I also realized that you never even kissed my hoof when we met. I suggest you do so now."
He waited, staring, and nodded. But continued to wait.
After a second, Luna shook her head. "No. Get down on your knees and kiss my hooves. You want to play at thinking you're good enough for a Princess to even look at you, let alone prostrate herself to you? Better get to showing me that even a common mare like myself would want to. And for Celestia's sake, take that stupid horn off. And the hat."
The stallion acquiesced, kissing her hooves as she towered above him. She smirked.
"Good colt. Now, if I hear even a whisper of you pulling any of this nonsense with another mare and hurting her, there will be Tartarus to pay. Are we clear?"
"Y-yes."
Snuggled deep into her fluffy duvet, Luna beamed to herself, reaching out feelers across Equestria to check on her subject's dreams. Seeing nothing to concern her overmuch (though after checking, it appeared that both halves of the couple leaving the restaurant were indeed having lovely dreams), she flipped over in her moon-shaped bed, splaying out happily. She was happy enough to not even care when her sister burst into her room without knocking.
"Luna? You're back? I felt your magic. Are you alright?" In the wake of her sister came Merry Weather, brow furrowed.
"I am fine, my sister. I will not be seeing that stallion again, I don't think. I know you texted me wanting details but honestly, can it wait for morning? I'm exhausted."
With a knowing smile, Celestia nodded. "I see. So the date ended that well? Are you tired from some... activities?"
Luna giggled. "Not as you are thinking Celestia, no."
Merry ventured further. "Beg pardon, Princess, but where is your dress? I would like to have it cleaned for you."
Flapping a hoof at the side of her closet, Luna shook her head. "It's over there. What's left of it. He thought it appropriate to tear it off me. I returned the favor and tore him a new one. Fair's fair."
Merry and Celestia locked eyes for a moment, then came to an unspoken agreement that yes, the story could wait for morning.
The older Alicorn sighed. "Goodnight, sister. I am glad you are safe."
Merry Weather bowed to the sisters. "Do you require anything before I retire?"
Luna shook her head again. "No, Merry, thank you. And thank you for helping me prepare. I think I know better now what "dating" entails in this age." She rolled back over into her duvet, eyes slipping closed as she patrolled the dreamscape, Celestia and Merry closing the door gently behind them.
Author's Note
OH HEY A YEAR LATER HAVE LIKE 4.5K WORDS ENJOY
anyway yes PSA this does happen and yes, gtfo as soon as you can if it does
my method of dealing with 'if i need extraction' is to text all the details I know about my date to a trusted friend or sibling. be safe y'allFoughtDragon01 for the "D game" line and for help with colors/names.
View Online
Princess Luna uses Adult Friend Finder; Or, Fifty Shades of What The Fuck
In Which Luna Discovers Some Ponies Can't Handle Rejection
"I'm just not so sure..." The controller wavered in the pale green cloud of magic for a moment, the owner of said magic glancing from her comfortable perch on the bed over to Luna.
"Merry Weather, what is your job here at the castle?" Luna sounded almost bored, but there was a hint of mischief to her voice that prompted Merry to suppress an eyeroll.
"To look after whatever needs you might have?" The controller came up again, round button depressed until a screen popped up, highlighting a game that appeared to Merry to revolve around carts and the theft thereof.
Taking a sip of her coffee and wriggling more comfortably in her chair, Luna nodded. "Indeed. And I say that what I need is for you to sit and amuse yourself until I need your input on our... recent project." She grinned, glancing back at the unsure yellow unicorn. "And since I am such a gracious and beloved princess, I offer to you technological marvels with which to give thyself the aforementioned amusement." Luna's magic guided her mouse to click on the now-familiar AdultFriendFinder bookmark.
"If you insist, Your Highness." Merry did a mock half-salute from the bed before turning back to the game, selecting her character and starting her mission as her princess huffed and turned back to her computer.
Blotting out the sounds of the game behind her, Luna scrolled through her messages, almost bored. The vast majority were simply "hi", followed up by a few "how r u"'s and a splash of "heyyyy" for good measure. She was irritated already due to Celestia's last failed foray into romance, and this certainly didn't help.
How was she supposed to know that particular Great Old One was married?
Her irritation only grew with the onslaught of boring messages. The replies she got back from her initiations were no better. Luna tried to craft each message with particular attention to what caught her eye about that particular pony, but her messages were often simply met with requests to meet and rut. Those she normally ignored and let the conversation die.
It's not that she didn't desire sex, of course. She simply had certain criteria a pony had to meet, first.
A new message popped into her inbox, and Luna's ears flicked in irritation.
Casual sex?
Annoyed, the Princess bent over her keyboard to respond.
What about it?
A soft ding indicated two things to Luna. The first being that he had replied. The second being that he had replied far too quickly for it to be a message of any substance, unless the stallion was a very swift typist indeed. Taking a sip of her coffee, she clicked it.
with me
She hiked a brow, clicking through to the stallion's profile. She noted he had filled out absolutely nothing on it besides his age and his assorted sexual fetishes. She sighed, preparing her response.
I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like there's much to go on based on your profile. We can certainly meet for dinner, if you like, and see where things go from there.
"Merry?" Luna swiveled in her chair, noting with amusement Merry Weather perched on the edge of the bed, tip of her tongue pushed out in concentration as she levitated the controller and appeared, on the screen, to be running from the police. Since she seemed engrossed in the game, Luna cleared her throat, trying again, a little louder. "Merry?"
Still nothing.
Rolling her eyes, Luna snaked over a tendril of her magic, pressing the "start" button on the controller to pause the game. Merry blinked, shaking her head, orange mane flipping to and fro as Luna raised her voice again. "Merry. "
Rubbing the back of her head with a hoof, Merry Weather offered a sheepish grin. "Yes, Your Highness?"
"Just as a heads up, might have a date. If I need help preparing, I'd like to forego that awful curling iron." Interrupted by a soft ding, Luna swiveled back to the screen to check the message.
"It was just to make your mane look nicer! It was hard to go from seeing what it is now to being more like mine." Merry Weather hopped off the bed, trotting to Luna's side. Luna, however, was tilting her head at the screen.
no jus lemme come over n we can fuck, i got condoms n i didnt fill out my profile cuz i dont want my wife to know so where you live at ill cum over
"Spoke too soon, Merry Weather." Massaging her temple with a hoof, she glanced to her maid. "Would you be so kind as to bring me some more coffee?"
"Of course!" The unicorn trotted from the room, carrying Luna's favorite mug behind her in her telekinesis. The princess leaned over her keyboard once more, suppressing the desire to find and throttle the cheating stallion and instead employing a much more measured response.
I'm not interested in married stallions. I'm here looking for likeminded singles. I'd also need to know and like you to allow you to, as you put it, "fuck" me, which is why I had proposed a meeting first. Anyway, I hope you find what you're looking for, whatever that may be.
Confident that her response had both been polite and a firm no, she nodded to herself. This new age she was still adjusting to had ponies that seemed to need to be spoken to like foals in order to keep them happy. She had asked Celestia about the changes, about how they had gone from a society that nearly feared the princesses to one that revered them as motherly creatures. Of course, Celestia had merely smiled that enigmatic smile she had and told her, simply, "Times change."
She smirked to herself. Of course they do. Time was there was none of this "nobles" nonsense, and time was that we could just build harems. Ah, well. They were too much work to maintain anyway. Her musings were interrupted by the entrance of her maid and friend, Merry Weather, and more importantly the steaming cup of coffee in her magical grasp.
Taking it gratefully, Luna gulped it down. I wonder why I'm so tired... I don't even usually need to sleep! Merry tilted her head. "Are you alright, Princess?"
"I am alright, thank you. Just a bit tired." A ding sounded from her computer again, and she halfheartedly clicked the message. It was, surprisingly, from the same stallion as before.
whatever you teasing attention whore cunt saying you want sex but then you dont give it up you bitches are all the same fucking attention whores i bet thats not even you in your profile pic you pig
"Um." Luna, for a moment, was thunderstruck enough to say no more. Concerned, Merry Weather peered at the screen, swiftly reading the message chain.
"Ah."
"But, a moment..." Luna cocked an eyebrow as she glanced at her friend. "Isn't the entire purpose of these sites to try to draw the attention of an appropriate suitor?"
Merry bobbed her head. "Yes. You make a profile to show what you're looking for and what you bring to the table in that regard, and you hope it attracts the type of pony you want to meet up with."
Luna made a small non-committal noise under her breath. "Indeed. And that includes photographs and paragraphs about oneself, correct?"
"Yes, Your Highness."
"And, further," the princess continued, "even if one has a profile dedicated to finding sexual partners, one is permitted to be choosy about said partners, correct?"
"Three for three, Your Highness. In fact, I would go so far as to say a pony should be picky about their partners, if only for safety's sake."
"Then, in summary, one could say that the entire point of sites such as these is to be, as he called it, an 'attention whore', and after garnering attention, evaluating the suitability of each potential partner?"
"Yep. That's what I do." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Merry stuffed a hoof against her own face. Aaaand here it comes...
Indeed, the Princess of the Night was looking at her maid playfully, a smile tugging at her lips. "Oh? Then do, please, advise me. Earn thy bits."
Cheeks burning, Merry Weather nonetheless cleared her throat and attempted to keep a professional tone to her voice. "Well, ah, I would say to either ignore the message, or you can write back a scathing reply. It's really up to you."
Luna blinked at the softly glowing screen before shrugging. "I suppose somepony ought to explain to him how these sites work, to spare him further embarrassment."
"That is very wise. I'm just going to go back to the game, if that's okay?" Still embarrassed, Merry glanced at the television, wanting nothing more than to engross herself in another world where she didn't just obliquely admit to the Princess of Equestria that she had a dating profile to find ponies to have sex with.
"Of course, of course." Luna waved her off, before composing her own message back to the stallion.
Regardless of your rude comments, I have decided to assist you. The point of a profile here is to get attention, so yes, one could say we all are, in our own ways, being "attention whores", as you put it. One could even argue that you yourself are even worse, considering you are already paired with a wife that you are being unfaithful to, thus attempting to have your cake and eat it too in the attention department.
If you want sex, it seems quicker and more expedient to simply request it of your wife. If she is unable or unwilling, you two ought to discuss other possibilities as a couple. If sex is more important to you than the trust and companionship of your wife, at the very least, do not be a coward about it.
Additionally, when you are being turned down, it is not charming nor does it speak to any good qualities you might have when you resort to insults. It smacks of sour grapes. It is not, as the younger ponies say, "a good look".
Good luck.
After sending off the message, the princess cheerfully hit the "block this user" button, and sat back with a smile. Perhaps that will help him. Turning in her chair, steaming coffee in her magical grasp, she watched Merry Weather play her game for a time. I really shouldn't tease her. I really, really shouldn't. She took a sip, considering her own thoughts, before smiling. I shall, though, regardless. She hopped easily over to the bed, settling down beside Merry to watch her play the game. After a few moments, she cleared her throat.
"So! Merry Weather." The unicorn blanched, yellow coat during distinctly more pale as she paused the game and looked up at Luna, who was curled suspiciously close.
"Y-yes, Your Highness?"
"You seem to have rather... intimate knowledge of these sites.". Luna fluttered her eyes at the small unicorn, who swallowed hard, ostensibly paying attention to her game while her blush belied her discomfort.
"Well, you know..." On-screen, Merry's character erratically fired off shots at whoever got too close before running off. "Just, you know, I'm grown and all so... so yes, I've had... I have ... profiles like that. It's not a big deal. L-Lots of ponies do." The controller wavered slightly in her grasp and she tightened it, trying to put out thoughts of the Princess' well-meaning teasing from her head. Clearing her throat, she pasted on a smile. "So! This game, I like it! I like this mission especially. Have you done it yet?"
Luna tracked the character's progress on the screen, and stifled a smile. "Yes, I have. Though, I cannot help but notice, Merry, that you are going in quite the wrong direction." The unicorn's eyes flicked to the map, and she narrowed her eyes.
"I knew that."
Luna stayed curled beside Merry Weather, letting the pony play the game as she let her mind wander. Moments passed, her ethereal mane dropping against her neck as her brain ticked over. She was missing something, she knew, but what? Luna shifted her hooves against the duvet before turning again, clearing her throat. "Ah, Merry. I have a question."
Merry Weather paused her game again, turning to the Princess as she caught the somber tone. Oh dear. "Yes, Your Highness?"
Pawing at the duvet, it was Luna's turn to blush. "What do you... do? By which I mean, outside the castle. Not in the bedroom! Not like that." She held up a warding hoof, attempting to explain herself. "Although, we are in a bedroom. That's not what I mean, however."
Blinking in surprise, Merry tilted her head. "Then what do you mean?"
"I know you as a maid, and more recently, as a friend of sorts. However, I do not know you . Do you go home to a stallion or mare at night? Have you any foals? Have you... friends?" Luna kept her gaze fixed firmly on the bed beneath her, eyebrows furrowed slightly. Feeling Merry's confused gaze on her, the Princess glanced up. "I feel... bad? That I do not know these things about you."
And then, Merry Weather understood.
Turning off her game, she turned her attention fully to the Princess, a small smile on her face. "I don't have a coltfriend or a fillyfriend, no, and I don't have any foals, either... I don't really want foals, to be honest. And I have a little circle of friends. We like to go out to plays, and to dinner, and sometimes we all just meet of an evening at somepony's house and share a bottle of wine and talk." Merry nodded to herself. "It's nice."
Luna's smile grew wistful, and she looked down at Merry. "It sounds wonderful indeed. Once upon a time, my sister and I did the same."
Shifting over a little, the unicorn smiled up at the Princess again. "Well, why don't you now?" At Luna's raised eyebrow, Merry continued. "I mean, if you used to, why not do it now? You seem willing to try dating, so why not just... socializing? Tell you what. Thistledown, a friend of mine, is having a small get-together at her house. Maybe four ponies. She always says we can bring someone with us, so if you like, you can come with me! It'd be fun."
Luna's hoof continued to worry at the fabric of the duvet, and she knit her brows in thought. "Well. I suppose. Perhaps? I do not know." At Merry's confused look, Luna sighed. "I am unlike my sister. I cannot be friendly with ponies while keeping my distance. It is against my nature. At the same time, I also cannot risk being too close to ponies, for fear of sabotage, or accusations of favoritism. I have seen those things undermine kingdoms before."
Swallowing past a sudden lump in her throat, Merry flicked the game back on, running aimlessly through the virtual city. "I see. Yet you would date?"
Luna snorted. "Not as myself, I recognized the wisdom of your suggestion after that first date. I would not take a husband, or consort, as Cadence has done, no. Even I desire occasional companionship, though." She sighed, glancing to her maid. "So, you see, I must be careful. I do appreciate all your help and all that you do here."
Giving up on her pretense of the game, Merry Weather shut it off, setting the controller down perhaps a bit too hard on the console stand. "I understand." She stood, stiffly, leaping to the floor before bowing to Luna. "Was there anything else you require, Your Highness? I remember I am needed in the kitchens this evening."
"I... no?" Luna tilted her head, looking down at Merry Weather, confusion writ large upon her face. "I am quite well. However, should you wish, I am sure I can arrange for you to be reassigned here for the duration of the evening—"
"I would prefer the kitchen at the moment, if it pleases Your Highness." The unicorn looked up at the princess, swallowing past that lump again. "I could do with a change of scene."
Ten minutes later, and Luna still sat curled on her bed, frozen. Did I do something wrong? So she mused in her head, wondering what had affected such a change in her maid before her train of thought was interrupted by three strong knocks on her door.
"Luna. Let me in." Her older sister's voice rang through the door, and Luna winced. Probably here to yell at me about that date she had, again. Reluctantly, she snaked her magic to the door, opening it with a soft touch of telekinesis to admit her sister. To Luna's surprise, instead of stern anger, Celestia's face radiated mere annoyance mixed with concern.
The Sun Princess climbed up onto the bed beside her little sister, smiling down at her sadly. "Luna. I am going to do something right now, and I must ask you to forgive me."
Luna nodded. "Of course, but what—" She was cut off as Celestia's fluffy and deceptively strong wing caught her upside her head, sending her ethereal mane flaring. "Ow!" She rubbed the back of her head with a forehoof, glaring at Celestia. "If this is about your date, I think you've punished me more than enough for—"
"That was not for my date. Also, take this." That same wing now wrapped around Luna, hugging her close. The two sat quietly like that for a few moments, before Celestia broke the silence. "I ran into Merry Weather in the hall. She was on her way to the courtyard."
"She had said she had assignment in the kitchens—"
"She was trying very hard not to cry. Brave little pony. Apparently, she was very hurt that you were willing to go on dates to find ponies to rut with, but refused to come out with her to a friend's house because of national security concerns. " Celestia glanced at her sister askance. "Of course, she didn't word it that way. She was much more polite."
Luna bowed her head, closing her eyes as she felt her cheeks begin to burn. "I did not mean to hurt her feelings. She is a fine maid—"
"She has been your friend. Completely and without reservation." Celestia sighed, head drooping as she pulled her sister closer to her, downy wing enveloping the smaller alicorn almost completely. "I know we both know that it's more of a national security risk to take random lovers, Luna—the infamous honeypot. So tell me, what is really going on?"
The silence spun out for a moment, before Luna laid her head against her sister's neck, answering in a whisper. "I'm scared."
"Of friendship, but not of... of random 'hookups', as it's called?"
"I can disguise myself better than anypony, Celestia. If I will it, nopony I should spend an evening with need know who I truly am." Luna laid her head on her hooves, looking at the ground in thought. "The same goes for a friend made and kept over this computer device as well. They never need know who I truly am, either. Merry knows I am one of the Princesses. I cannot hide that from her. If I were to become her friend, I would be unable to hide the rest, too." She shifted uncomfortably. "And I will endure, where she will die. I do not wish to become close to somepony, only to lose them. I do not know how Cadence even bears the thought of it."
Celestia mulled this over, troubled eyes fixed on the back of her sister's head. She had a point, but even still... "Luna? You remember Applejack, right?"
Pulled from her own thoughts, Luna blinked in surprise. "Of course. I recall with clarity each of my saviors."
"What is her Element, again?"
"Honesty. Honest Applejack."
"Indeed." Celestia stood, stretching with feline grace before hopping to the floor. "I think, perhaps, that is the first Element of Friendship you should study."
Celestia trotted from the room, leaving Luna thunderstruck on the bed.
Well, crap.
Author's Note
This was meant to be a little filler chapter and then the last part happened
SORRY
anyway enjoy, or not
whichever
View Online
Princess Luna uses Adult Friend Finder; Or, Fifty Shades of What The Fuck
In Which Princess Luna Is In No Mood For This
Princess Luna sat upon her throne, stoically, as the few petitioners to her Night Court came to plead their cases. Currently, this included a stallion with an ill-fitting tweed coat wrapped around his generous barrel, mane slicked back. The stallion in question struck Luna as somewhat desperate, and she made a token attempt to pay attention despite her internal desire to roll her eyes.
"I mean, Your Highness, I just don't think that Ritzy Glitz opening her club so close to mine is fair! It's killing my business!" The stallion pawed at the throne room floor, glaring over at a well put together unicorn mare, who glanced back with amusement.
Foals, all of them. Foals in grown pony's clothing. Coming to cry to Mother because 'she's on my siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!' Luna held back a disgusted snort, barely, and turned her attention to the mare.
"Surely, Your Highness, this simply means that Mr. Lights here just needs to change his business model?" Her cultured voice swept through the hall, and a small smile snaked across her dark muzzle. "Why, in fact, I even have all my permits and zoning approvals here, if you care to take a look?" At Luna's stiff nod, Ritzy Glitz floated the folder to Luna's assistant, who leafed through the paperwork as all parties waited with varying levels of patience.
"It's all in order, Your Highness. Her club has all the necessary paperwork to operate at its current location." The bat-winged assistant passed the paperwork on to Luna, who after a cursory glance at it, nodded.
"I don't see the problem, Strobing Lights."
Furious, the stallion ground his teeth. "The problem is that she's stealing my customers!"
Suppressing an eye roll once more, she looked down at him with her best imitation of her sister's beatific calm. "Then steal them back, if you can. If you can't, know when you are bested. Competition is simply part of business. I will not order her club shut down simply because you need to compete. I find in favor of the defendant, Ms. Ritzy Glitz. You are both dismissed."
The unicorn mare bowed, red ringlets pooling on the floor, before rising and trotting out of the hall with a spring to her step. Strobing Lights stood for a few moments more, appearing lost in thought. Luna tilted her head to the stallion, curious and a bit annoyed.
"Is there a further issue, Mr. Lights?"
He pawed at the floor, snapping out of his reverie. "N-not as such, Your Highness. I just wanted to say, you know, if you ever wanted to visit my club, you've got free VIP access to everything. On me."
Luna allowed herself a dry, polite chuckle. "We appreciate your offer, Mr. Lights. Now, as this matter is closed..." She trailed off, rising from her divan and stretching her wings. "...We have other matters requiring our prompt attention."
The stallion scrambled backwards slightly, nodding. "Of course, of course. I shouldn't be away from my club longer now, I guess, since there have to be some changes..." He bowed, hastily, before cantering back out through the door to the throne room.
Yes. Run off with your tail between your legs like a scolded child. He knows he wasted my time. So why do it?
Once her night guards shut the doors, Luna allowed herself to bow her head, taking deep breaths. Her unfurled wings scraped at the floor, and her mane hung flat against her neck. After her misunderstanding with Merry Weather, she was in no mood for matters of trivial importance. Still, she allowed herself a quick congratulations for not yelling at the stallion with his ridiculous petition.
Raising her head, she began a sedate trot to the doors. Turning to the guard to the right, she inclined her head slightly. "Private Moon Dancer, I will be retiring to my quarters. Please see to it that none disturb me unless it's a severe emergency petition."
Moon Dancer bowed. "Of course, My Lady." Luna walked from the throne room, hooves nearly dragging on the pristine marble floors, and Moon Dancer's brow furrowed. She turned to her fellow guard, eyebrow raised, as Luna finally got a safe distance away.
"Hey, Juno. What's stuck in her craw? I mean, like, more than usual." Moon Dancer shook her mane out of her face, pale blue eyes still narrowed in thought.
Her partner shrugged, rubbing the back of her head with a hoof. "Who knows? Maybe she had a disagreement with Princess Celestia." Juno and Moon Dancer took up their rigid posts beside the throne room doors once again, spears held upwards.
After a moment, Juno rolled her dark eyes as she heard Moon Dancer chuckling. "What is it, Moony?"
"What if she had a dispute with a lover ? Heehee... Oh, that would be something." Moon Dancer had to physically restrain herself from hopping from hoof to hoof; as it was, her head bobbed in amusement as she eyed her partner.
Juno could only snort, pale wings shifting uncomfortably on her back. "Don't be ridiculous. Princess Luna is above such things."
Maybe I just need to go on a date. Take my mind off all this. Firmly seated in her computer chair and bathed in the blue glow of her monitor, Luna nodded to herself absently. Almost bored, she clicked on the familiar bookmark of AdultFriendFinder, and scrolled through the new messages that had accumulated in the past day or so.
"Boring, boring, oh Celestia no, boring..." She snuggled down more deeply in her black hoodie, relishing its inviting warmth and sipping at her coffee. "Although, given how my last date with a more eloquent pony went, I suppose I should give one of these 'hi' ponies a chance." So musing, she continued to scroll through the dozens of messages, eyes flicking up and down the page.
And then paused.
There, on the glowing screen, was a very different introduction message.
Just so you know, I think you're a narcissistic bitch. Just as a heads up.
Luna hiked a brow, and glanced at the pony's information attached to the message. Ah. Far outside my age range. Why bother with this message? She tapped her chin, musing to herself, before calling out absently, "Hey, Merry Wea—" She caught herself, cheeks burning in shame, as she glanced around to the bed where the unicorn would normally be lounging.
No matter. I'm sure I can sort this out on my own. Now, 'narcissistic', let's see. I have pictures of myself up, but it's necessary for sites like this. I have a blurb, let me re-read that... Clicking through to her own profile, she read it over.
Looking for like-minded single ponies for possible dates or more. Please be between the ages of 35 and 45, preferably. Immortals welcome. All races and species welcome. I enjoy stargazing, night flights, and experimenting with magic.
Her eyes roamed further to her photos tab. Ten photos, five full body (in disguise, naturally) and five head shots. All in all, Luna could not see where the "narcissistic" came from, let alone the "bitch" part.
"Huh."
She tapped out a message in return.
I'm unclear on where you're getting that idea. Please cite your examples. Thank you!
Thus certain she had been both polite and firm, she rolled back from the computer and stretched out, shaking her hoodie sleeves back down as her forelegs flopped back down on the armrests. Spinning idly in her chair, she glared at the ceiling, lost in her thoughts. I think Merry Weather's... get-together... thing... was tonight. I hope she's having fun. With an irritable grunt, she pushed back to the computer desk, scrolling again through the screen.
Another message caught her eye, and she smiled despite herself.
Hi. Uh, so, your profile did say you were okay with pretty much all races. So, I wondered, could we maybe meet up for drinks or dinner? You seem really straightforward, and I appreciate that in a pony.
She clicked through, seeing his profile lacked a picture, but was intrigued upon seeing "chimera" listed as his species. She bent back over the keyboard.
That would be most agreeable. I could certainly use a relaxing evening. How does late drinks at The Prancing Pony sound?
Sending it off to her potential suitor, Luna was interrupted by another gold "1" in her inbox. Clicking it, she noted it came from the pony that had called her... less than kind things.
Whatever, you just don't know what you're missing. Younger doesn't always mean better, unless we're talking about baby corn.
"Ha! So it was the age range. Stallions can be so predicable..." She noted the rude pony's cutie mark, before rising to prepare for her date with the chimera.
Her horn glowed, and her stature shrunk, taking her down to the size of that Fleur De Lis pony she saw in all the magazines. Her coat went a shade darker and a shade up, turning it into an extremely darkened version of Twilight Sparkle. Her cutie mark morphed and twisted to a crescent moon with two stars, and the normal splotching on her hindquarters migrated to her hooves and lower forelegs instead. With a stronger effort of will, her wings vanished from her body, and she trotted to the mirror to check on her transformation.
Oh, right. Mane. Another concentration later, and dark orange ringlets cascaded down her neck and chest, reaching nearly to her knees. There. Levitating over a pair of plain black saddlebags, she slid in her bits and a particular book before snagging her cell phone in her magic.
Going out. Chimera this time. At Prancing Pony.
Her sister's response was swift.
k. ill wait up. u should chk on merry
Snorting irritably, she shook her mane.
I'm sure she's fine, sister mine. I doubt she'd want to hear from me, anyway.
Another soft ding sounded from her phone, and she stamped at it with her magic.
i think ur wrong.
Rolling her eyes, Luna tapped out a response.
You always think I'm wrong. That's not exactly news. But I will be safe and check in with you when I return.
Text to her sister sent, she slid the phone into the bag and concentrated on her magic until she disappeared with a faint pop and a whiff of ozone.
Her post-teleportation landings were always rather unsteady. Illusion magic might be easy, but maintaining the illusion while teleporting? Not so much. She caught herself on the cobblestones, taking a deep breath of the crisp night air before composing herself and glancing around with her newly rose-colored eyes.
She'd landed in an alley near The Prancing Pony, and towards the end of the alley, she could see ponies moving to and fro in a much more sedate and relaxed manner than they did during her sister's day. Her first true grin of the day blossomed on her face as she watched older ponies canter and play through the streets, teasing one another playfully as magelights danced merrily to either side. This is what I was missing. Not dating, or any of that. Just being around my little ponies and seeing them love the night I bring.
Trotting to the end of the alley, she remembered the weight of the book in her saddlebag. Oh, right. She lit her horn, and the book disappeared from the bag, bulge noticeably absent. With a happy grin, she continued to The Prancing Pony.
thump
The stallion grumbled. "What the hay was that? Somepony tryin' to break in? I'll break your legs... probably." Muttering still to himself, he walked irritably to the living room where the noise had come from.
There was nothing there.
Confused, he glanced around more closely, eyes roaming his couches and tables in the darkened room. "I'm sure I heard it. My ears aren't going yet..." His eyes lit upon his fireplace, and more specifically, the grate within. Craning his head inside, the bemused pony noted that the innocent little book, clearly an Aesop's Fable book for foals, had landed open. His eyes scanned the page.
The Fox and the Grapes
Huffing, he slammed it shut. "I could have sworn I closed the stupid flue."
The low lighting of the bar greeted Luna as she slipped inside, eyes roaming the interior. The Prancing Pony was a quiet place, tables of ponies murmuring to each other and punctuated occasionally by bursts of laughter. Seeing nobody fitting the description the chimera had given, Luna slid up to the bar.
"Excuse me?" She waved a hoof politely at the bartender, who slung a bar towel over her shoulder and trotted to Luna.
"What can I get you, miss?"
"I was going to take a table, actually. I'm meeting somebody here. He's a chimera, so he'll be easy to pick out. Would it be possible for you to point him in my direction once you see him? Though, I'd love a rum and coke, if you have a moment." Luna pulled her bag of bits from her saddlebags as the bartender bustled about, mixing her simple drink with practiced ease.
Setting it down before Luna, the pegasus smiled. "Two bits, please. And I'd be happy to point your date in your direction."
Luna slipped her three bits for her trouble, trotting over to a secluded table towards the back, drink carefully levitated beside her. She slid into the booth, content to watch the ponies around her as she waited. A pegasus and unicorn couple occupied the table closest, and she couldn't help but smile at how the pegasus mare batted her eyes, the unicorn stallion blushing and trying to hide it with a deep pull of his drink. The machinations of love, Luna mused, might not be something she was the best at, but lust was certainly something she understood. Her eyes softened, and she continued to glance around.
She didn't need to wait long. A large, dog-like form soon darkened the doorway, and she froze, only her eyes moving as she took in the blue fur, traced his markings, and observed his large, monkey-like paws. Oh no. Oh nonononono. She allowed herself one ladylike facehoof while he was preoccupied with the bartender, who quailed back slightly from the massive chimera but pointed a wing in her direction all the same. Ohhhhhhhhhhh no.
The chimera lumbered over, gleaming rictus of a smile upon its face as it sat carefully in the undersized chair across from the disguised Princess. "Hi. So... I'm Ahuizotl." His paw shot nervously over the table as he extended it for a handshake, nearly impaling it on Luna's horn.
She took the proffered paw gingerly, shaking it with her hoof. "Ah. Yes. Hello. I'm Crescent Moon."
Both parties fidgeted for a moment.
Luna decided to break the silence. "So! What do you do for fun?" She began sucking down her drink as she waited for him to talk.
Twisting his paws nervously, he nodded. "Right! Um. I mostly fight my sworn enemy for various treasures and artifacts across Equestria and beyond."
Luna blinked. "Oh. A 'sworn enemy'? That's... nice."
Ahuizotl, visibly sweating, just nodded. "Yeah. Uh, her name is Daring Do. She's... kind of in the way. Oh!" He perked up suddenly, smiling more genuinely. "And! Also. I know royalty!"
It took all of her considerable might not to choke on the mass of rum and coke that was currently making its way down her throat at his proclamation. Rubbing at her throat, she cleared it gently, and tried a smile of her own. "Oh?"
He nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Celestia and Luna. They, uh, foiled a plot of mine."
Ducking below the table to feign rummaging in her saddlebags, Luna allowed herself a breathless, silent laugh before sitting up straight again. "Oh, what a... shame."
Silence reigned at the table after that for a time, Ahuizotl wringing his paws while Luna sucked down her drink to nothing. Finally, Luna cleared her throat again. "Do you... do you do anything but that?"
Ahuizotl blinked across the table at her. "Um. I, uh. I like to knit, sometimes?"
Rubbing her temple with a hoof, Luna sighed. "Look, I'm not really feeling any chemistry, here, Ahu—Awi—look, can I just call you Schnitzel?"
"I—no! Of course not! I'm the great and amazing Ahuizotl!" His fists balled on the table, knuckles straining at his blue fur as he glared at the disguised princess.
Luna tapped her chin. "Hm. No, sorry. It's not sticking for some reason, Schnitzel."
With a roar of frustration, Ahuizotl stomped out of the bar, knocking the door frame on his way out. The pegasus bartender sidled up to Luna's table carefully, blinking in confusion.
"So. Um. Can I get you another drink, or...?"
Luna sighed.
A glass of red wine, bathed in a dark orange aura, landed between the hooves of the yellow unicorn. Startled, Merry Weather reflexively took the glass in her own magic before glancing upwards into the face of her friend. "Sorry, Mers. You just looked really lost there for a minute, and I didn't want you to miss out on this wine." The beige unicorn mare grinned, sweeping aside a lock of silver hair, and Merry Weather tried on a returning smile.
"Sorry, Thistle. I've just been... really preoccupied tonight. My bad." She sipped at the wine, rolling the deep flavors through her mouth as her friend settled on the couch beside her.
"Yeah, we could kinda tell. Is this about that mare?"
Merry elected to not answer at first. Instead, she shifted her attention to the kitchen door, from which the sounds of three slightly tipsy unicorn mares could be heard arguing about the actual best way to make hot chocolate cookies. She chuckled, knowing that whatever came out of that kitchen would be close to inedible if the three decided to combine their recipes. Her mirth was interrupted by a hoof to her side, and she glanced at Thistle, annoyed.
Thistle was leaning almost disturbingly close, eyes dancing with merriment. "Weeeeeeeeeell? Is it?"
Merry snorted. "Nosy bitch."
"So that's a yes. You can't let stuff like that get to you, Merry. I mean, you met her at work. You know what they say! Don't shit where you eat." With that wise proclamation, Thistle took a deep pull of her own wine, ear perking at the sharp smack of a baking pan hitting the floor.
"I didn't say I wanted to date her. I'm just upset because I thought we were friends but apparently not. That's all it is."
"If that was all it was, you wouldn't be sulking like this."
Merry took her turn to playfully smack her friend with a hoof. "As if you'd know."
Nodding her head with mock solemnity, Thistle replied gravely, "True, true. Celestia forbid the great and mighty Merry Weather show some semblance of equine love." She lost her composure, giggling madly. "Merry 'Ice Queen' Weather."
"Hey. " The two glanced up at the kitchen door, from which a pale pink head capped with equally pale blue locks of hair poked out. "That title is mine." The unicorn took a pull of her own glass, ignoring another smack of a baking pan. "I mean, the 'Ice Queen' part. You're quite welcome to your own name, Merry Weather."
"Ha! You spread 'em for any stallion in the town, Dainty." Thistle rolled her eyes. "I don't know who you think you're kidding."
"Excuse you. Stallion or mare, remember? Equal opportunity employer, I am. I mean, as long as they're not married. Or gross. Or assholes." Dainty thrust her nose into the air, looking down it at the two on the couch. "I am at least ethical about it. I mean, I don't bang ponies from work, at least."
"For the last time, I don't want to bang her!" Merry threw her forelegs up, upsetting her glass in the process. She glared at Thistle. "This is your fault."
"Me?"
Staring incredulously, Merry nodded. "Yes! If you hadn't run your mouth with some choice editing you made on the fly, our friends wouldn't all think I'm pining for work pussy!"
"Oh." Thistle nodded sagely. "Yeah, that's probably true."
Letting out a groan of frustration, Merry Weather buried her face in her hooves, ignoring the wine splashed across them. The ringing doorbell barely registered in her mind.
"Lemme go get that, it might be Glitter Pop." Thistle pranced away to the door, leaving Merry Weather to consider just calling the night a wash and leaving. Her musings were interrupted by Thistle's voice again, calling out from the foyer. "Meeeeeeeeeerryyyyyyyyyyyy! It's for youuuuuuuuuuuu!"
Merry blinked. "This isn't my house. How is it for me?"
"I dunno, mare, but there's a chick at the door for you!"
Confused and grouchy, Merry Weather walked heavily to the door. "Is this about my mail? Because if it is, I'm pretty sure it could have waited..." She trailed off, staring at the mare in the door, uncomprehending.
The mystery mare smiled nervously, extending a hoof. "Hi, Merry Weather. You might not recognize me, but..."
"No, I recognize you." She ignored the hoof for now, electing instead to roam her eyes across the mare. Huh. She got better at this.
"Oh." The mare in the doorway dropped a mottled hoof to the welcome mat, scuffing across it nervously.
Thistle looked from one, to the other, and back again. She took another pull of her wine, considered something for a moment, and then spoke. "So, like, you gonna invite her in, or what?"
"Two things about that, Thistle. Number one, this is your house , so you're the one that does the inviting. And number two, I'd prefer if you didn't until something happens." Merry kept her eyes, unflinching, on the mare in the doorway.
Thistle snorted. "'Something'? Be a little more vague there, Merry."
"No, I get it." The new mare took a deep breath, locking eyes with Merry Weather, and nodding. "I... I am sorry. I am. Truly. My sister told me what happened. I didn't realize my own insecurity would cause such offense. Friends?" The last word came out, wavering, and her hoof extended with the same waver. Her smile trembled, and it was clear the mare expected to be rebuffed.
Keeping on her stoic mask, Merry looked at the proffered hoof, then back at the face of the mare, and then back to the hoof. Sighing, she reached her own hoof out to wrap around the disguised princess'. "Friends." With no warning, she yanked Luna over the doorstep, wrapping her in a tight hug. "But no more of this nonsense, okay?"
"Okay." As the two shared a hug, Thistle rolled her eyes, shutting the door with a back hoof.
"So much for this being 'my house'."
"Shut up, Thistle."
"Yes ma'am."
Author's Note
Pre-read by the awesome Wanderer D .
Moon Dancer the Bat Pony is owned by my unproblematic fave Mr101 and used with permission.
Use of "Schnitzel" and that version of Ahuizotl shamelessly taken from FoughtDragon01 and his hilarious story "Ultimate Power is Finally... Mine?" which you should totally check out and yes, used with permission.
Juno, Thistledown, Dainty, and Merry's other friends were kind of randomly made up by me.
Hot Chocolate Cookies are totally a thing and I'm happy to share how to make 'em if you want. They're amazeballs.
View Online
Princess Luna uses Adult Friend Finder; Or, Fifty Shades of What The Fuck
In Which Luna Wishes to Make Friends of the Adult Variety
Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna of Equestria, Steward of the Moon and Mistress of Dreams, was horrifically bored.
She laid on her plush, downy bed upside down, head hanging over the edge and pointing towards her television. It glowed with its strangely reassuring artificial light, her familiar companion on many evenings. She poked her game controller, once, before picking it up in her magic and half-heartedly checking her friends list.
Nope, nopony on. Except that one guy that always tried to play sniper when, bless him, he couldn't aim to save his life. She supposed she could always play a little Grand Theft Auto V , but she was still miffed at the unfair star system.
Besides, any NPC taking a selfie amidst a war zone deserves to be bludgeoned repeatedly.
With a frustrated sigh, she tossed the controller to the floor and rolled her eyes. There was nothing to do . The moon was raised for the night, citizens were having mostly peaceful dreams, and Night Court was cancelled that night due to a lack of petitioners. Everything was perfect, running smoothly, and peaceful.
Luna hated it.
Even the amusement garnered by watching her sister go on dates for the first time in ages was tempered by the fact that, apparently, she hadn't gone out tonight. She could hear Celestia moving about in the room two doors down, presumably organizing paperwork or shining her crown or whatever it was she did. Luna puffed out air from her cheeks, then pricked up an ear.
A door down the hall opened, and then closed. The familiar tinkle of magic could be heard in the air, wafting to Luna. Hoofsteps sounded in the hall, the gait far too long and regal to be anypony's but her sister's.
A moment later, a gentle knock interrupted her boredom, and she glanced to the door. She considered rising to a more dignified position, but shrugged instead. "Enter."
Celestia's multicolored mane preceded her entrance, followed by her graceful white head and neck, a smile playing at her muzzle. "Luna! And how are you doing tonight? No games?" She gestured to the dutifully whirring console as she entered fully, securing the door behind her. Luna rolled her eyes again.
"No. Nopony is online to play, and there is nothing to do. I am bored , sister." She rolled her head on her neck, side to side, before fixing her gaze on Celestia again.
Celestia pursed her lips, eyes flitting about the room. "Why not make friends with some of the castle staff?" At Luna's snort of reply, the older alicorn hardened slightly. "I know you don't feel the need to make friends, but I'll remind you that it was the magic of friendship that saved you from yourself. It might be harder to make friends as an adult, Luna, but please at least try?" Pleading rose eyes met half-lidded, bored teal ones, and Luna sighed again. The pleading turned to mischief, and Celestia nudged her upside-down sister. "Besides, I remember a certain somepony telling me to be more approachable, years ago..."
"Alright. If you could remember, though, that the ponies run from me in fear?" Luna sat up, ponderously, before flopping down on her bed properly, chin on her pillow. "It is exhausting, trying to get our little ponies to see me as another pony." Her wings fluttered out beside her, and, bored, Luna began straightening her feathers.
Tapping a hoof, Celestia glanced around the room again, eyes finally alighting on Luna's laptop. A grin split her muzzle, and she turned back to her sister, who was still mid-preen. "Luna? Why not use the computer to find friends? Lots of ponies go online, and, I mean, you got me to try dating online, so you can probably at least find friends there."
Luna rose, curiously, and trotted to her gently blinking laptop. Folding her wings to her side, she nodded. "I suppose that is true. One can find anything one desires on the internet, or so they say..." She settled into her plush desk chair, undoing the catch of the laptop with her magic and booting it with a gentle press of a button. With a sly smile, she glanced at Celestia. "No date tonight, sister? Is that why you are so concerned now with my boredom?"
Celestia scratched the back of her head with a hoof, smiling wryly. "Ah, well, I just needed a night off. To recover."
At Luna's quirked eyebrow, Celestia sighed. "That Hera throws a mean right hook." The Sun Princess rubbed her cheek, where an already-healed bruise had sat the previous evening. "I'm taking a little break."
Luna chuckled, turning back to her computer. "That's fair. Try not to pull any more married dates, Celestia..."
"That wasn't my... I didn't know..." Celestia sputtered, halting as she caught the little smile playing at her sister's lips. "Brat."
As Luna opened up a search engine and began to type, Celestia smiled her beatific smile and slipped from the room. She'll find a group of like-minded ponies and make friends. I hate how lonely she is. She made her way back to her own bedroom, intent upon finding a date that, if not sane, was at least pleasant company.
The door clicked shut as Luna finished typing "friends for adults" and clicked "Search". Her eyes widened, and she grinned, clopping her hooves together in jubilation.
"Adultfriendfinder? That sounds perfect!"
And with another ill-fated click, she was on her way.
Ten minutes later (after ordering a pot of coffee to her chambers and dismissing the shivering, nervous maid that brought it), Luna had her profile set up. The username was the hardest part, as most that she chose were taken; she reminded herself later to possibly smite "Luna" and "Princess_of_the_Moon" and "MoonGoddess", those pretenders.
"Alright. Name: Loonacy. Age: Prefer not to say. Interests, hobbies..." She trailed off, reading and re-reading her extensive profile. "Ah! I missed a part. Let's see. Body...type?" She sat back, blinking, before glancing at her long, blue form, and then back up to the screen. "Fit, I suppose? Eye color: Teal, hair color: Night Sky/Assorted Nebulae..." She filled in the fields quickly with practiced taps of her hooves, pausing only to take a deep swig of the black coffee in her black "Best Princess" mug that sat beside her. Musing, she stared at the profile, before shrugging.
"Eh. Good enough." She clicked "Submit", then clicked on her own profile to see how it looked. "Oh, there's a space for pictures! I should do that." She began browsing her computer, flicking through various albums. "No, these are too regal, these are too intimidating... THESE are only for special someponies..." Her eyes flicked to the corner of the screen at some movement. A white "1" on a red field had appeared under "Messages". Shrugging, she turned back to the photos. Probably just the usual "welcome to our website" message.
"DEFINITELY not my filly pictures... I thought I had those deleted and all copies burned..."
Glancing back up again, she noted with mild surprise that the number had climbed to "17" already. "What on earth...?" she mumbled. Finally finding the candid photos of herself in another folder, she uploaded a shot of herself, horn glowing, while raising the moon. She turned her attention then to the steadily climbing messages tab, bringing her coffee up for another sip.
A sip that promptly wound up half on her screen, half stuck in her throat, and the regal, imposing Princess Luna coughed until she dry heaved. Eyes watering, she wrinkled her nose at the mess and pressed the button on her desk to summon a maid. Wiping the last of the stray coffee from her muzzle, she chanced another glance at the screen.
It was, pretty clearly, a message from a male. Very clearly. After a short "hey i'm tall dark n handsome, big dick, sixteen inches come ride me xx" message, he had thoughtfully included a photo of his penis. Luna blinked.
"I thought this was a site for making friends. What in Tartarus...?"
Instead of closing it immediately, as was her first instinct, she took another sip of coffee, and looked. She leaned back in her chair, eyes squinting slightly, and sipped yet again. Some form of academic curiosity took over. She tilted her head.
A small yellow pony, topped with a neatly plaited orange mane, bustled into Luna's room while levitating a spray bottle and a roll of towels. "Here I am, Your Highness, just let me..." She trailed off, standing beside Luna's chair and blinking.
After a moment, she tilted her head, too.
Luna, never taking her eyes from the screen, spoke. "Merry Weather, you're a grown mare, right?"
The yellow unicorn nodded. "Yes, Your Highness."
"I see. And is it normal for ponies wishing to develop a friendship to send photographs of their genitals to another pony without first having been asked for those photographs?" Luna tilted her head the other way.
"No, Your Highness. Not exactly." The shock of what was on the screen had worn off somewhat, and Merry Weather looked over at the Princess instead.
"Ah. Because, you see, this site was, I had thought, for finding friendships with other adult ponies."
Merry Weather leaned towards the laptop, squinted at the URL, and then smiled slightly. "Well, Your Highness, it is. Um, sort of. It's for... friends with benefits. " Merry blushed, clearing her throat and rubbing one foreleg on the other nervously.
Luna's eyes lit up with understanding. "Oh. Do they offer doctor visits and a competitive 401k account and retirement package?"
Fighting the urge to facehoof, Merry shook her head. "Ah. No. The only package it offers is... uh, that one." She moved to begin wiping the coffee from the screen, but hesitated, and fell back again.
They both fixed their eyes back on the screen. "So it is a sexually-oriented site?"
Merry Weather nodded, still unwilling to wipe the screen upon which sat the penis. "It's for finding sexual partners, Your Highness. We call no strings attached sexual partners 'friends with benefits', you see."
"I... okay. I see. I, The Princess of the Night, have made an account on a site solely for finding males to rut with."
Blushing still more furiously, Merry Weather nodded once. "Yes. Well, I mean, you could also find mares. If. Um. You wanted." She brought a hoof to her face, massaging her temple. Did I just... yes, yes I did.
The alicorn seemed to take this in stride, however, and nodded. "I suppose it is not out of mind for me to make such... friends. I am a grown mare, after all." She glanced up at Merry Weather, and suppressed a grin. "Just one more thing, Merry Weather?"
"Of course, Your Highness. What is it?"
Luna turned back to the screen, pointing accusingly with a silver-shod hoof.
"There is no way that is sixteen inches."
"No, Your Highness. Not in his wildest dreams."
The mares locked eyes then, finally, and began giggling. Luna clicked away from the improperly measured phallus, and Merry Weather finally took to clearing off the coffee on the laptop. Still chuckling, Luna patted Merry Weather on the withers.
"You understand, of course, that what has just happened never extends past this room, right?"
With a grin, Merry nodded. "Of course, Your Highness. I'm sure he couldn't get it to, either."
Collapsing into further gales of laughter, Luna clicked back to the site, determined to get at least some amusement out of it. Checking further messages, she smiled slowly. "Oh, this one isn't bad... not bad at all...
To Be Continued...
Author's Note
IT BEGINS
Thanks, of course, to RainbowBob for giving me his blessing to write this story. It will roughly follow the timeline of his story, Celestia Uses An Online Dating Website
As a woman who has used dating websites in the past, I think this will be an excellent way for me to blow off steam about the less savory characters one meets.
