Chapters Dance Party (10 min, Rarity and Fluttershy)
"Fluttershy, you wanted to see me?"
Rarity stood in the middle of her parlor, swilling beer like a total whore. Her dresses were locked safely away in child-proof containers and her lights had been replaced with pink bulbs, while a disco ball took the place of the chandelier.
"Yes, Rarity. I came over because..." Fluttershy did that thing where she hides behind her hair.
"Oh, come on, you've known me for how long? Spit it out already."
"Well... I wanted..."
"Yessss?" Rarity was slurring her words.
"I wanted..."
"Yeeeeeeeessssssss?"
"...to boogie down."
At that moment, Chuck Norris burst through the wall bearing two lethal weapons--his arms--and, flexing his pecs, which were amazing, ripped his shirt right off his body and began to dance. The effect was immediate. Music began to emanate from somewhere in Chuck Norris's abdomen, loud and crystal clear, like a Bose sound system.
Fluttershy jumped into some parachute pants, and joined Chuck Norris on the dance floor, while Rarity swooned from the overload of masculinity.
A good time was had by all.
Science (10 min, Twilight Sparkle)
Twilight Science Sparkle didn't know which was worse: the puddle of urine she was standing in, or the fact that she couldn't remember how it got there.
"Another failed experiment, I suppose. Spike, cleanup!"
Twilight clapped her hands together twice. Her trusty dog, Spike the Magic Dragon, came running to lap up the pee stain that was soaking her toes and inner thighs.
"Just imagine if anyone were around to see me like this... I'd start thinking I was in a bad porno or something."
Twilight righted an upended lamp and lampshaded an upright end. (Whoa! More vaguely sexual nonsense!) Her hair twirled and twinkled in the winding wind, but not magically, because science.
Twilight Science Sparkle ran over her favorite philosophical quote again in her mind: "Even though there may be events witnessed by men which may seem to be entirely inexplicable by the methods of science, I shall never believe that any possible event could lack a scientific explanation. For I am sustained by my faith in science, a faith as unconditional as it is euphoric, and from this faith I shall never be shaken." It gave her a lady boner.
Twilight Fedora Sparkle took her favorite science down from its rack and put it on her head. It was a bright red science, lined with fur, and had two tassels, one hanging down on either side. It was a squat science, and though it kept her head warm in the winter, it still felt cool and 'breathable' in the summer heat.
Science was certainly grand!
Sunset Shimmer made no qualms about the fact that she was a racist.
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: you can't trust those blueskins! All they're good for is athletics and entertainment--just look at Rainbow Dash. They're nature's jesters!"
This, of course, was not the real Sunset Shimmer, but a screen actor trying to get into character as the infamous girl villain. The actor was a modern liberal, and so could not imagine anything worse than racism. Indulging a racist diatribe here and there really made the evilness of the character she was playing come alive.
Elsewhere on the set, the actor playing Spike the Dog sipped a cup of warm honey-lemon tea before starting some vocal warmups. He was, naturally, only a voice actor. Spike was being animated using the latest motion-capture tech for dog actors. The VA reflected briefly on the fact that he would essentially be playing Cyrano de Bergerac for a cartoon, then decided not to think too hard about his career choices--down that road laid despair.
Rainbow Dash's actress, being underage, was hiding in a broom closet, smoking reggie with Rarity's actress before night school started. They were fooling no one, but then again, no one cared.
Ditz (10 min, Pinkie Pie)
Pinkie Pie was not a clueless, airheaded ditz--and she was going to prove it.
"Stupid Rainbow Dash... calling me a ditz... I'll show her! No... can't do that, that would be downright airheaded... Think, Pinkie!"
Pinkie was not used to thinking this hard. Her brain cells were overclocked, and it was making her head hurt. She thought of soaking her head in a nice soothing bucket of iced tea, but then realized what a ditzy thing that would be to do, and cursed herself.
Twilight Sparkle, unluckily, happened to pass Pinkie's way at that moment. If only she could have known what unholy retribution Rainbow Dash's little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon her.
"Twilight! Twilight! You have to answer a question," Pinkie ejaculated. "Am I a clueless, airheaded ditz?"
Twilight was delirious from pain medication. She had just gotten a hoof replacement after her back right had been cracked in a terrible recalibration accident. So the first words out of her mouth were not the most intelligent ones she had ever said.
"Hah. Heh. Pretty much, yeah."
Somewhere in North Korea, a malnourished political prisoner saw what happened to Twilight through his nation's one television, and was like, damn , that girl got it rough.
What happened afterward is a matter of public criminal record. Prison terms in Equestria were what you might call "deterrence-based." Clemency was not common, and this accounted for much of the nation's good behavior.
Suffice it to say Rainbow Dash was right all along. Again. I mean, really, when has Rainbow Dash ever said or done anything wrong? If you don't think Rainbow Dash is the best, fuck you. THE END
Hearts and Hooves Day (10 min, Applejack)
Apple Bloom jumped up and down on her sleeping sister like a psychotic basketball.
"Applejack, wake up, wake up! It's Hearts and Hooves Day. Come downstairs!"
Applejack snored rather conspicuously, but seeing that it wasn't working, grunted and rolled over.
Apple Bloom, however, was persistent. "Get up , big sis. The Crusaders and I have something to show you."
Applejack sighed, but did not open her eyes. "What's that?"
"It's a surprise ."
The orange apple farmer could see, even with her eyes closed, that she was not going to worm her way out of this apple. Slowly, gradually, she sat up, seeming to wear a permanent yawn upon her face.
"Fetch me my morning hat."
* * *
Apple Bloom bounded downstairs; her sister merely trundled. When they entered the dining room, Applejack discovered the surprise: sitting at the breakfast table, with a piece of toast set ever-so-cutely between his flappy horse lips, was one damn fine hunk of stallion meat.
"Us Crusaders pooled our allowance and rented you a man-whore! Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, ya freaky-ass pervert!"
Applejack raised a single eyebrow. "You little numbskunks. Dontcha know by now? I ain't into stallions. "
With that, Applejack went back to bed.
Terrorism (10 min, drunk, Rainbow Dash)
Rainbow Dash was partying all night long. You would think that it would have been Pinkie Pie doing the partying, but you would be wrong.
She was partying to celebrate her latest acquittal. Tonight's party was especially unique, given the gravity of the charges that had been lain against her.
"Can you believe it, Tank? They called me a domestic terrorist! Ha-ha, what a laugh. Good thing the judge called the police raid 'unclopstitrutional' and dismissed the charges."
Rainbow danced for what seemed like forever with her sleepy-eyed pet.
And it was forever.
For, unbeknownst to Rainbow Dash, her trial was actually a facade and she had actually been sentenced in absentia by a secret court to an eternal sentence in magic purgatory, which is not at all like real purgatory -- more like limbo -- but, you know, linguistic conventions are hell to change. Her punishment was to continue doing forever what she had been doing when she was killed by that freak meteor strike.
Yeah, they sentenced her post-mortem. Celestia is basically the pope. She can bring a corpse to trial if she damn well pleases, goddammit!
Anyway, if you've played Bioshock Infinite, you basically already know how this story ends.
Lies (10 min, Fluttershy and Twilight)
Deception came naturally to Fluttershy.
It wasn't that she was a good liar. If cornered, she would tell the truth almost every time. That was less stressful than trying to think of something convincing on the fly. Besides, she couldn't have ponies finding out how untrustworthy she was.
It was more that she was practiced in stealth. Trickery. Manipulation. All the instruments of passive warfare which she had been honing over years of playing the introvert.
So when Twilight came calling one bright day, asking for a pile of leaves, Fluttershy knew how to shut her down.
"Oh, Twilight, you know I'd love to help you, but my poor baby rattlesnakes need those leaves to eat."
"Eat? Since when do rattlesnakes eat leaves?"
"Since I talked them out of eating mice! Poor Professor Cheesington was nearly eviscerated a few weeks ago when one of them 'broke veg' and tried to plant his fangs in the Professor's stomach. And that would have been horrible, because Jakob is a world-renowned scholar!"
"Wow, this mouse is a famous scholar? What does he study?"
"Cats."
It was thus that the greedy, ungrateful Twilight Sparkevil was turned away from gracelessly seizing Fluttershy's treasured horde of leaves--that was what Fluttershy told herself.
After all, what kind of liar doesn't even believe her own lies? The kind that gets caught, that's who.
And Fluttershy would not be caught.
Ash Wednesday (10 min, Pinkie and Twilight)
Twilight Sparkle didn't know what to think when she saw Pinkie Pie with ashes on her forehead. "Pinkie Pie, I don't know what to think," she said. "Why do you have ashes on your forehead?"
Pinkie giggled. "Oh, these? I just came back from the yearly book burning festival."
Twilight's eyes rolled into the back of her head, and then kept going. They spilled out onto the floor and began expanding like shaving cream coming out of the can. Pinkie began blowing party favors, slowly at first then gradually faster, creating ominous background music for the biologically inexplicable event.
Spike looked nonchalantly down at the happenings from upstairs, then went back to sweeping the floor.
Twilight's jaw fell off and took her tongue with it, so that her face was missing its lower half. Meanwhile her tail-hair stood straight out and became still, then sharp, and the individual tail hairs began firing off in all directions like deadly whisper-thin steel needles. At the same time, two counties away, Twilight's mother broke her back.
Pinkie chanted the ritual incantation as Twilight finally split longitudinally in two, exposing her spinal cord and internal organs for all to see in a perfect medical cross-section. Her ghost rose from the pile of weirdly decaying flesh, and just as it was about to pass into the ether, it shouted:
"You burned BOOKS!?"
Pinkie looked confused for a moment. "Oops, did I say book burning? I actually meant brick burning. You know, in a kiln. Gotta make that clay nice and hard so it doesn't let the weather in!" Pinkie grinned widely.
With that, Twilight's ghost vanished in a blaze of holy fire to the realm between dimensions, leaving behind nothing but a pile of ashes.
